Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Christmas Shopping While Pooping! With Wal Mart Riot Video! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Christmas Shopping While Pooping! With Wal Mart Riot Video!

Best of Dumbass News

Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la.

Tis also the season to be a Dumbass.

Let me splain.

Christmas Mayhem

When I say "mayhem", I am of course mean "rioting".

Have you seen some of the shit that happens when a mob of bargain-starved idiots converge upon a single place with each member of the savage throng clamoring for one of what is a limited number of the latest Sale of a Lifetime (!) item? The pushing, the shoving, the cussing, the crush of humanity....and that's just the Little Old Ladies!

Don't believe me? Here's a video from the just-passed Black Friday where a large number of shoppers go on a rampage share a common desire for a TV of which there is an inadequate supply.

I'd rather eat tofu wrapped in beef liver that's been hermetically sealed in a Mason jar and exposed to the Texas sun for the entire month of July than to go through a scene like that.

I do not like to shop.

Especially at this time of year.

Saved by the Internet!

One of the beauties of the Triple W (that's "www." for the Yoopers in the audience) is that you can avoid holiday shopping crowds like a Liberal avoids logic by shopping online, right in the comfort of your own bathroom. 

Say what?

CashStar, which calls itself  "a digital gifting and incentives partner for retailers", spent a boatload of money on a survey seeking detailed information on people's shopping habits.

The survey revealed that almost 17 million people have shopped via a mobile device while standing in the retailer's physical store; 9 million have secretly shopped while in a business meeting; and 4 million have shopped online while driving a car. While driving a car? Are you fucking kiddin' me? That's four million people who must, by coercion if necessary, be spayed or neutered, never to produce another human bean with that kind of DNA.

I'm just sayin'.

The survey was conducted online nationwide by Harris Interactive on behalf of CashStar from Nov. 6-8, among 2,104 U.S. online adults ages 18 and older. The calculation was based on the U.S. Census Bureau's 2011 Census, which estimates there are 237,744,632 million adults ages 18 and older residing in the United States.

You know what else was determined from this survey?

That more than thirty-eight million of you have done some online shopping while sitting on the toilet! Shopping a load while dropping a load. Cell phones and iPads have replaced magazines as reading media of choice when it comes to taking a doo doo.

As a life-long magazine in the toilet kind of guy, I am saddened by this tragic turn of events.

Thirty. Eight. Million.



  1. I just say no to Black Friday and Cyber Monday! Just give cash or a gift card and tell them to buy whatever they want. So much easier!

  2. But that lacks the satisfaction of taking a good dump.

  3. Debbi DeChellis (Oregon Dumbass Society)December 16, 2013 at 9:41 AM

    I suffer from a disease called Crohns. Its a bowel disorder. YES my POOP shoot is broken! Now what's a girl to do from her THRONE? Well I shop! I saved so much money and time that there are never any "Black Death Friday's" shopping for me. My sons and their wives will be in so much glee when they open their presents this year! I just hope they don't mind the smell! My credit card gets smokin hot on a good shit run. During the rest of the year ...... its EBay baby! You should see me bid from my throne! Sometimes I get so into it I miss the shitter! Now that's a friggen mess ...... phew! Hey what the fuck are you doing taken pictures of my SHIT HOUSE???

    1. And you Dumbasses thought I made this shit up!

      Re: Pic of your Shit House...Fearless Leader is everywhere! With camera in hand.

  4. I can say I have never shopped online while driving! That is illegal in St. Louis

    1. Ha! I have been to St. Louis and I know for a fact that Pooping and Shopping is a big deal there - especially among Transplanted Cubs Fans.


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