Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: The Dummies: The Flaming Dumbass Award for 2013! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, December 30, 2013

The Dummies: The Flaming Dumbass Award for 2013!


Welcome, Dumbasses, to the first installment of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards!

Over the course of the next few days we'll reveal to you the nominees and winners in several categories of Dumbassery from the last twelve months, culminating in the announcement of the recipient of The Big One, the 2013 Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award! 

The Dummy

Dumbass News has picked up over 200,000 (that's two hundred thousand) new members of the Dumbass Horde during 2013 proving that:

  • a) 200,000 New Dumbasses have way too much time on their hands
  • b) 200,000 New Dumbasses with way too much time on their hands means that the unemployment rate in the 172 countries in which these Dumbasses reside is unacceptably high
  • c) I question the mental health of 200,000 New Dumbasses 
  • d) There's a Dumbass born every minute
  • e) It's good to be a Fearless Leader 
Ghosts of Dummies Past

As a Fearless Leader Public Service to our New Dumbasses, here's a look back at previous nominees and winners of The Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award:

  • 2010 - Lady attacks cops with dildo!
  • 2011 - Guy stranded on island with working cell phone doesn't call for help for five days!
  • 2012 - White guy with white wife goes away to war, comes back a year later to a less than a year old BLACK baby! White wife claims she was impregnated by black guy in very realistic porn movie! 
On With the Show!

The first category of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards is The Flaming Dumbass Award!

As you probably have discerned from the name of this particular Dummy, the award has something to do with the use or misuse of fire.

Since we are talking about Dumbasses here, I lean heavily to the misuse of fire as a prerequisite for nomination to the The Flaming Dumbass Award.

The nominees are...

  1. The Snake and Two Houses Afire! - Lady sees snake. Lady shits pants. Lady grabs gasoline and match, douses snake with 87 Octane, ignites accelerant with match thus setting serpent aflame. Snake runs amok like a Yankee at a Sons of the Cofederacy meeting in Alabama. Snake and two houses are incinerated.
  2. Finding a Natural Gas Leak With a Bic Lighter (w/Splodey Dope Video!) - Meth. Flammable fumes. Bic lighter. Dumbasses. BOOM!
  3. O Canada! Teens Burn Down RCMP Station to Visit Friend in Jail! - Hosers, eh?
  4. Penis Stuck in Toaster! While technically this story has nothing to do with fire itself, it does feature fire fighters. And a guy with his dick stuck in a toaster!
While any of these four stories would be a worthy recipient of the 2013 Flaming Dumbass Award, nothing, and I mean nothing says "Dumbass" like...

....Finding a Natural Gas Leak With a Bic Lighter!

This is one of the more well-deserved Dummies ever presented in the entire (almost) 1200 post history of Dumbass News.

It gives me hope that maybe some day I'll be writing the story of a methed-up flaming snake using a Bic lighter to search for a natural gas leak Royal Canadian Mounted Police Outpost while his snake penis is stuck in a toaster.

Ya never know.

A Fearless Leader can dream, can't he?



  1. Boy, I'm glad I didn't have to choose from that list - too close to call.

    That was well done , Splodeydope winner!

    1. Thanks, stoo!

      It's rare that I do anything medium.

      I try to keep things crisp.

  2. Ok I have never been a man I dont even play one tv. I am very happy I am of the female persuasion. However I have heard a lot of stuff in my life but I never heard of a man wanting to have sex with a toaster. Now the lady with the snake and set two houses on fire, I can relate. Just as your fearless leader how I react to a spider in the house. I guess nothing finds a gas leak than a bic lighter, I think they even encourage that from the fire and safety people, at least that is what they teach the kids to do. That is true loyalty to your friends though burning down a building so you hang out with your friends in jail.

    1. You'll notice that Simply did not mention never being a meth head like the Bic Lighter Guys.


    2. Ya know Fearless leader I can cook but did you know I am a physic too? I see divorce in your future.

    3. The Ol' Big D and you don't mean Dallas?

    4. Dallas is for cowboys and strippers.

    5. You should do a post on how many rents, groceries and mortgages you paid back in you know "Dallas".

    6. Strippers w/'Vettes - 12

      Fearless Leader w/'Vette - 0

    7. That sounds like stats from a Jerry Springer show.

    8. Well Toby, you gotta admit that "cowboys and strippers" sounds better than "steers and queers"...

    9. Don't encourage her, Bones!

      I have never knwoingly bought a male stripper a 'Vette.

      Unless you count that one time in the Montrose area of Houston.

  3. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

    But Jerry makes $14 million a year and has lots of strippers and Corvettes.

    Fearless Leader? Not so much.

  4. You have kids and a wife. Nuff said

  5. keep it up and your life with be gone too, how much are ex wives worth these days? hmmm?

  6. So many dumbasses were worthy of this award. That was a tough choice. They all could have earned it!

    1. Damn straight, Phil!

      This "Dumbass of the Year" bidness is hard work. So many Dumbasses, so little time.

  7. Splodey is now my new favorite word, Oh Fearless Leader of ours!

    1. Splodey! Splodey! Splodey!

      I gotta be careful here...I don't want to over-splodey you, Teri.

      I am, after all, a Benevolent Fearless Leader.


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