Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: January 2013 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Nekkid House Cleaning, Texas Style!

FiFi
Lubbock, Texas. The Hub City. Located in the Llano Estacado (Staked Plains) of West Texas, Lubbock ain't a bad little city. It's home to Texas Tech University and the Red Raiders. I have been to Lubbock on a few occasions but not in many years. I remember it as a very conservative place where you actually had to leave the city limits to buy a six pack of beer. that may still be true, but Lubbock is a bit less conservative these days than way back then.

Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock made it so.

Nekkid House Cleaning

The idea behind Fantasy Maid Service is for you to hire out a maid from them and she will come to your house to clean it up the way it should be cleaned up. This is a great idea for bachelors who are too busy chasing split tail deer at the bars near the Texas Tech Campus to do a proper house cleaning. especially if Mom & Dad are coming for a visit.

What (lifts and) separates Fantasy from other such business in Lubbock is that the girls from Fantasy will clean your home in various stages of undress right in front of the customer, if of course the client is over 18 years old.

Nekkid Maids Love the Cops & Military Guys! (and Girls, too...maybe)

At this point, I feel it is better for me to copy and paste some information directly and unedited from the Fantasy web site, but the site blocks me from doing so! bwahahahahahahaha

You've got to see this shit to believe it, so I'll give you a quick summary of the pertinent information, then you can click on the link that will follow so you can verify that what I am telling you is 100% true!

The Fantasy strippers maids also work parties pouring drinks and serving "appetizers" to party guests. I'll bet. They heartily recommend two maids to work your party. I would assume that a single maid would get worn out too quickly to provide satisfactory service all night long. Let me stress here that Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock goes out of their way to point out that they are not an adult oriented business. I agree. Who in the world could possibly see a business that provides scantily clad or nekkid young women to clean homes or waitress at parties as an adult oriented venture? Certainly not me. I am all for the public display of boobs of all sizes, shapes and colors at any given time. provided of course that the boobs on public display are at least 18 years of age.

The owners of Fantasy Maids are not just people who rent out nekkid bimbos for house cleaning and parties, they are also community supporters! Why, they even offer a discount to cops, fire fighters and military members and vets! God bless America!

That's a thumbnail sketch of what Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock is all about, but it is only fair that I provide a link to their website and let you see first hand what the hookers girls are expected to and not to do and some other shit. Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock.

Hooter Showing is a Right!

I feel compelled to alert you king hearted Dumbasses to the fact that this has not been all peaches and cream for Fantasy Maid Service. The Lubbock Police Department, at the behest of the Lubbock County District Attorney I would presume, are demanding that Fantasy pony up for a license that designates it as an adult oriented bidness. The owners of the nekkid maid place say they ain't buyin' it because they ain't an adult oriented bidness. The cops retort that no license means a $2000 a day fine for Fantasy Maids! Two. Large. A. Day. The poor employees of Fantasy would have to show a ton of boobage to make up for a two grand a day penalty.

I say to the owners and maids of Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock : Fight back!

Tits for Tat

I have an idea that'll turn this situation into a Public Relations nightmare for the prudes at City Hall and a financial windfall for Fantasy Maids!

Get all the maids at Fantasy and as many Texas Tech coeds and other young female owners of Sweater Puppies to go to the very steps of Lubbock City Hall and show them your knockers! If dozens of pairs of supple breasts are on prominent display right in Downtown Lubbock, imagine the media coverage to be had! imagine all the curious (and horny) young men of the Hub City that would show up in support (pun intended) of Fantasy Maid Service and demand that the City back off and harass some other local bidness persons! or minorities. Or wetbacks.

I would also urge that some enterprising Lubbobkidian get properly permitted by the powers that be in town and set up a refreshment stand! Hamburgers, hot dogs, french fries, burritos! Beer! Soda! make it a fucking party that the City of Lubbock will NEVER forget!

Be sure to take along your video cam and shoot as much footage as possible for posting on YouTube. As the brains behind this revolutionary concept, I get first shot at any and all video and/or photos taken at this event! 


You should alert  any and all media (TV, Radio, Newspapers,Blogs) well ahead of time in order to get maximum exposure! (pun intended again)

It's Now in Your Hands, Lubbock!

I have given you a starting point in which to rally around the good titties people of Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock and fight the dickweeds that want to suppress boobies everywhere. I fully expect that you will keep me up to date on how things go during the Tits for Tat Protest and Exravaganza. I can be reached at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com.

Do your part, Lubbock! Show the world that your Sweater Puppies will not be impounded!

Make the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde proud!

Long live tits!

And Dumbasses!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Drunk Dumbass Slaps Cop; Cop Night Stick Fu Ensues (w/beat down video!)

Dumbass News Golden Oldie

They were celebrating Oktoberfest in South Philadelphia when a group of Dumbasses were spitting at passersby, throwing beer at celebrants, picking fights and generally being assholes.

Then the cops came.

One of the tough guys slapped a cop. Hilarity and a good beat down with a police baton ensued.


 Dumbass.

***Hat Tip Pat Dollard***

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Real Life Dumbass Addiction: Eating Cat Hair!

Two things up front.
  1. Today's story is sickening. Not sickening like each of the other over 800 Dumbass News posts, I mean nauseatingly, projectile pukingly sickening. You have been warned. 
  2. If the woman in this story isn't named the winner of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award for 2013, I'll kiss your ass in the middle of downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd.
Let the stomach churning begin!

Not Reality, Actuality 

I have mentioned on at least one occasion that I am a big fan of reality TV. A couple of my Tru TV favorites include Lizard Lick Towing and Hardcore Pawn. I also like the shows where people buy shit from abandoned storage units and all the ones that are about people who live in the swamps. Oh, yeah, and the shows that feature a bunch of Dumbasses digging for gold. Nothing says I have the same I.Q. as a United States Senator like a group of guys who spend their "life savings" to run off to Alaska searching for the Mother Lode. What are the odds of these maroons striking it rich? One in a gazillion, give or take a billion? Adios "life savings". Quick question: if the guys in the Digging For Gold Shows invest every last nickel they have in mining for gold and they recover only enough gold for a pair of earrings, how in the name of the 49ers do they have the capital to return for a second season? Also: How do their families back in the Lower 48, whom the guys leave behind for 4 or 5 months at a time while they dodge hungry grizzly bears and horny moose in Alaska, survive? I mean the families have got to, you know, eat and shit.

Actuality my ass.

The Purr-fect Dumbass

My Twitter Buddy Stoo, via Gawker.com, sent me this:

Lick Me.
It was inevitable that Lisa would one day end up on the Internet, with her unique spin on what it means to be a crazy cat lady. She is like light to the dark of that Hoarders subject who kept her dead cats in the fridge. Lisa eats cat hair. She finds it all over her apartment, which must be as wonderful and fuzzy as finding chewed gum all over your apartment if you are a regular person who doesn't eat cat hair. She prefers it from the source, though: "The best ones are right off the cat," she explains. Freshness is key, obviously.
Lisa has been made to talk all about her taste for cat hair by being profiled by TLC's My Strange Addiction, the apotheosis of that channel's lighter-side-of-freakishness programming ethic. Lisa describes the "comforting feeling" of chewing on cat hair and while she says that stroking her cat with her tongue is a bonding experience, she and her cat aren't going all the way — Lisa explains, "I'm not lickin' her butt." Yet.
 
 Key Points
  • Lisa also has the I.Q. of a United States Senator (see above). A Democrat, of course.
  • Yes, there's a video.
  • I can go to my grave a happy and complete man knowing that cat hair straight off the cat is much tastier than cat hair scraped off the sofa.
  • I'd much rather get a "comforting feeling" chewing on a coca leaf. Or a tire iron.
  • What channel number is TLC on Time Warner Cable?
  • Lisa needs to be institutionalized.
  • Lisa needs to be spayed.
  • After reading this, I may start drinking again.
  • My Twitter Buddy Stoo is a sick fucker.
  • This story is the cat's meow. 
  • I feel sick to my stomach.
  • Where's the Pepto Bismol?
Dumbass.

***Photo from Gawker.com***

Monday, January 28, 2013

Dear Dead Guy, We Have a Check for You Signed, US Gubmint

Hey! I got my check, did you?
By many accounts, the stimulus package passed by the US Congress in February, 2009, has been an unmitigated dumbass move. Nineteen months after this monstrosity got the Congressional Okie Dokie, unemployment remains above 9.5 per cent, home foreclosures continue unabated and consumer confidence in the economy is almost nonexistent. How, oh, how could Congress frak things up any more than they already have? Just when you thought the answer was "things are FUBAR'ed", our elected dumbasses come to the "resuce" with something even more stupid! Yes, America, members of our national government have been working overtime to figure out new ways to flush your tax dollars down the old crapper, and, dammit, they are doing a damn fine job of it.

The Federal Dumbasses at the Social Security Administration sent out stimulus checks at $250 a pop to 89,000 DEAD or INCARCERATED people! That's $22,250,000 - twenty-two million two hundred fifty thousand dollars- to dead people and dumbasses in jail. It appears that the idiots at the SSA did not check their records to eliminate dead people and some inmates from the list of fifty-two million Americans the checks were supposed to go to.

Some of the dead people had not collected benefits in over thirty years and some would be 136 years old had they lived! Here's what some spokesdumbass from the SSA said, "Inaccurate payments are unacceptable. Social Security's Recovery Act payments were 99.8 percent accurate, and we quickly collected the majority of the inaccurate payments," SSA spokesman Mark Lassiter said. Being the inquisitive fellow that I am, I wondered to myself, "what is a "majority" of the inaccurate payments?" 70%? 75%? No! When the spokesdumbass said "majority", he meant "majority", as in just over half! According to my math, that leaves somewhere in the neighborhood of eleven million dollars of your money that some dead guy or criminal is spending for God knows what. For some silly reason, I think the dead guys and crooks are more qualified to figure out what to do with eleven mil than our elected dumbasses. Unless the dead guys are from Chicago. Those are the ones I don't trust.

Dumbasses.

**hat tip to dailyfinance.com**

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Budget Shortfall Solution? Dem Says "Tax Bicycles!"

Miss Cleo
Sunday's Best of Dumbass News

Here we are in what is arguably the worst economic period in the United States since the Great Depression. Liberals, like the Dipshit in Chief, do what they do every time the economy turns even the least bit sour. They yell from the highest mountain top for higher taxes, especially on the rich. Despite having been proved a fallacy every time it's been tried, Liberals continue to scream for more taxes. Sometimes, they refer to a new tax as a "fee". It's still a damned tax, dumbass! The latest liberal asswipe to want to confiscate more of your money is a Democrat (go figure) from New Jersey (go figure again) named Cleopatra Tucker of Essex, NJ.

Cleo's brilliant idea is to tax bicycle riders by having them register their bikes! Now she wants the government to issue license plates for bikes! Wait a minute, this gets even better. Cleo's reasoning for taxing your bike? This is Double Barrel Dumbass, folks. Cleo wants to tax your bike in order to make the streets safer for old people! What a dumbass! “My goal was to at least begin a discussion of how best to protect elderly pedestrians. No idea is perfect, but protecting elderly pedestrians deserves attention,” said Tucker. Dumbasspatra said that several old folks had called her office to complain about being knocked over by bike riders. Bullshit. Anyway, in Cleo's mind taxing the bike is going to make it safe for the old folks of New Jersey to hobble down the street! What. The. Fuck? If an old guy gets knocked on his ass by a bicyclist, two things come to mind. One, he's senile and is walking in the street or two, the bike rider is riding on the sidewalk and breaking an existing law. Oh, I apologize. I simply forgot how taxing and registering cars has virtually eliminated auto accidents. How stupid of me. I'm sure that police officers all over Jersey would be on the lookout for a six year old without a state-approved license plate on his bike. I mean, the cops don't have a single more important thing to do than bust bike registration scofflaws. I am getting a headache.

After being called everything but a Child of God for the last week, Cleodumbasstra Tucker decided that maybe her idea wasn't such a good idea. Ya think? Now bicyclists all over New Jersey are free to run over senior citizens at will once again and then Cleo baby will again call for some kind of tax to keep seniors safe from the menacing hordes of New Jersey bike riders. I have an idea, why tax the bikes when you can tax the old people! I'm sure there are more old people than bikes in NJ, so the revenue generated by this type of law would solve every conceivable economic problem in New Jersey.Tax 'em enough and they'll all become shut-ins, thus keeping them safe from those evil bicyclists. And if a little old lady strolls on the sidewalk, she does so at her own risk and she's fair game for the next Schwinn zooming by! That makes as much sense as anything Cleopatra Tucker has proposed.

Dumbass.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Dumbass Loses T-Shirt w/ His Photo On It at Crime Scene!

Before we get into today's Dumbass News, I'd like to direct your attention to the "Dumbasses I Read" section located in the left side bar. There you'll find a mess of blogs that I regularly read. Recently I have added some new sites that I think you'll find interesting. As opposed to the shit you read here, these blogs are well-written and certainly worth adding to your bookmarks. But first, let me issue you a bit of a caveat - the people who write these blogs often use words with more than one syllable. I know that will be a challenge to you Dumbasses, but a visit to Dictionary.com will be of valuable assistance in helping you understand the nickel words. In some cases, Dictionary.com even has pictures to go with word definitions! Now quit yer bitchin', read today's story then hit up a few of the new sites in the blog roll. As a personal favor, I ask you to please click on an advertisement or two on each blog you visit. That means a few cents (literally) in each blogger's cookie jar.

Thanks.
Fearless Leader

Best of Dumbass News

Over the course of the lifetime of this blog, we've had at least a couple of stories featuring dumbasses with tattoos have had run ins with the law. One dumbass thought he had won a radio station contest and had the station's logo tattooed on his forehead. About a week ago we had another dumbass who committed a murder then had the facts of the killing tattooed all over his body! Today's dumbass has taken a similar path to the Dumbass Zone.

Our Dumbass of the Day and one of his dipshit criminal cohorts broke into a couple's home and in the process of the burglary, got into a struggle with the homeowner. The dumbass lost his t-shirt in the altercation and he and the dipshit got into their getaway car and split the scene. Enter the Police. Once at the crime scene, the cops found the t-shirt belonging to the dumbass and showed it to the homeowner. Printed on the shirt was...Wait. For. It....a picture of the dumbass! He robbed the home in a shirt with his own photo on it! bwahahahahaha! This guy has lowered the standard for dumbassery to a new low. What a fucking maroon! That's as stoopid as a lion tamer covered in raw T-bones. Ay ay ay! The dumbass turned himself in to Police a couple of days later.

This incident sets a terrible example for future dumbasses who feel a life of crime is their calling. Young dumbasses, don't be discouraged because one of your role models is a dumbass who practically left a business card at the scene of his misdeed. He's now well on the way to becoming a top notch member of the State Prison Drop the Soap Team. And to think, in just a few years, or a felony or two, that could be you! Now go out there and become a role model to the young generation looking up to you! But don't commit a crime in a shirt with your own photo plastered on it.

Dumbasses.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Liberal Weenie Doctors Slam Cheese...In Wisconsin!

There are certain truths in life that you just don't mess around with. When in Texas, it's a real bad idea to make fun of chili. In North Carolina, it's not too smart to complain about pulled pork sandwiches. You don't piss into the wind and another undeniable fact of life is that you do not bad mouth cheese in America's Dairyland, Wisconsin. Let me splain.

There's a group of doctors located near Green Bay (Go Pack!) who have gone and pissed in the Cheerios, or more accurately, cheese, of the fine, cheese-loving population of the state. This is not wise. I'd say it's more, oh, what's the word, dumbass. The Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine has put up a billboard near Title Town that blasphemes one of America's favorite foods, cheese, and that has some folks pretty damn mad. Besides the usual "if you eat cheese you'll die" bullshit, the billboard also features the Grim Reaper wearing a Cheesehead Hat. That's one of those giant wedges of cheese that you see tens of thousands of fans wear at Lambeau Field during a Green Bay Packers game. (Go Pack!). It would be a better idea to call the Pope an atheist than to demean a Cheesehead hat in Green Bay. At least the Pope would forgive. Packers fans will not.

But, Toby, this group is made up of doctors, shouldn't they know this stuff? Yes they are doctors and no they don't necessarily know this stuff. This particular group of physicians is a bunch of Liberal do gooders that want to tell you how to live your life. Toby don't play dat. And if they want to live at all, they should drop the billboard idea like the Packers front four drops an opposing quarterback - real quick. These dipshit docs are messing with lots of people who work in and around the cheese industry and by extension, messing with these same folks' livelihood. Slick move ex Lax.

If this bunch of weenie yankers want to do the country a service, move to California and preach the gospel of why granola and the sissies that eat it are bad for the human race. They won't fight back, but they just might scratch your eyes out, you meanies.

Dumbasses.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Dumbass Motor Sports: Hot Rod Hover Rounds!

There two kinds of dumbasses. Just your garden variety dumbass, and a dumbass with too much time on his hands. The subject of our story today falls into the "dumbass with too much time on his hands" category. His name is Colin Furze. What Colin does that makes him a dumbass with too much time on his hands is that he builds hot rod mobility scooters! And we thought the hot rod riding lawnmower guy was a dumbass.

By trade, Colin Furze is a plumber (insert jokes about turds, toilets and flushing here), a seemingly ordinary dumbass. But at night after work, by the light of the full moon, Furze transforms into a dumbass with too much time on his hands - kind of a dumbass Jekyll and Hyde. (OK, I made up the part about the full moon) Furze takes an ordinary Hover Round like Grandma and the two little old ladies at the Grand Canyon in the TV commercial use to get around, and turns them into hot rods! This dumbass has gone over 60 miles per hour on one of these things and has lived to tell about it. He wants to up the ante to the big seven-O, 70 mph in the near future. There's nothing like a dumbass with a death wish.

Now, being of the inquisitive sort and a dumbass to boot, I have come to the conclusion that Furze is actually up to no good! It is my considered opinion that Furze is the mastermind behind a plan to take over America. Harsh words, I know, but please hear me out. Furze's real plan is to distribute one of these hot rod Hover Rounds to every old fart in the United States! Just think of the chaos that would ensue! Why, there could even be the old people's equivalent of the Hell's Angels! Yes! This nation could very soon be facing an epidemic of old people doing God knows what in these souped up mobility scooters! Are we really ready for the Nightmares from the Nursing Home??!! There's nothing in common sense nor the Constitution that would prevent us from eradicating this Mobility Menace from our midst! These Gear Grinding Grandparents have no place in civil society. As for their leader, Mr. Furze, the gallows are too good for him! His punishment should be no less than a lifetime banishment to France, where the women are hard to tell from the men and the sheep are nervous!

Rally behind this cause, America before it's too late! Or meet me at the Augusta Raceway this Friday at 8PM for our first ever Hot Rod Hover Round Nationals, sponsored by Depends! Admission is $20 for adults, $15 for teens and kids under 12 get in free! Hey, a guy's gotta make a buck somehow.

Dumbass.

**Photo by Geoff Robinson @ telegraph.co.uk**

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Cop & the Hookers: Love in a Patrol Car

My duty here at Dumbass News is to bring forth the most ludicrous stuff that people all over the world do. My insightful, spot on commentary is not just directed at Yankees, Californians and Liberals, but I repeat myself, but it is aimed at dumbasses all over the planet, bar none. Except for my Mother. At 73, she can still kick my ass. Besides, I am in her will. Enough said. And the Pope. Him, I leave alone. He's got connections. Now as far as your Mother goes, she's fair game. She does something stoopid and I get wind of it, she's toast. Sorry, I have a duty to uphold. Oh! One more guy I won't kick around is Billy Graham. I like Billy Graham, he's a good man. Let's review this...Mom, Il Papa (a little Eye-talian lingo there) and Billy Graham: off limits. Everybody else: fuck 'em. That's just how I roll.

Cop Shows His Magnum to Hookers 

Cops are normally verboten to ridicule, shame and belittle, but like everybody else (except for those mentioned above), if they screw up bad enough, they make Dumbass News just like any other poor schlub who's worthy of the "honor". Therefore.....

...it is with great pleasure and a big na na na na na  sadness that I am compelled by my sworn, and I mean cussed at, not on a Bible, affirmation to bring you some funny shit horrific news regarding a Police Officer in Tampa, the F-L-A.

This particular officer, Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky, had a bad habit of having sex with women...in his patrol car! I am reasonably certain that is a part of the Tampa Police Department of Shit Not to Do. But wait there more! He was paying off his hookers with cash and a little thing called cocaine. I am proud to say that Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky has hit the Dumbass Daily Double: Hookers and coke. I couldn't be more proud. Unless I found out one of my sons was serial killer of camel fuckers. Matthew as a cop, you can't do this shit. At least take the whores off in the woods to pork 'em and do a line of blow. Have you no shame man?

The Tampa PD conducted a secret internal investigation, but Matthew found out about it. Probably from one of his drug-infested cum buckets. When Matt learned of the nefarious attack on actions as a police officer, he became very angry. Angry enough that he threatened to shoot other cops who testified in a second Internal Affairs look-see. Matt resigned before he got the old heave ho.

Matthew Gets a Pension

Here's what chaps my ass about this story. Because this dumbass cop resigned before he got fired, he will still get a yearly pension of a little over $27,000. That's a helluva a gig if you can get it. Go to work in a city-provided vehicle, buy (or steal from the Evidence Room) some toot then get some "groceries" in the back seat of a city-owned car then get busted and still get over two grand a month for the rest of your life. Is the Tampa PD hiring? If so, I'm in.


Final Thoughts

What. The. Fuck? Are the Higher Ups at TPD in on this hooker and coke thing? I mean Hell, couldn't they at least recommended to have Matt's pension reduced or even revoked due to the Cop Screwing Hookers and Doing Cocaine Clause of his contract with the TPD? Moral turpitude or getting fook stains on the back seat of a cop car or something? I am at a loss for words here, folks. Almost.

Does anyone have the phone number for the Tampa Police Department? Or Matthew Dolitsky?

Dumbasses.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Turning Dog Poop into Gold!

OK, you Dumbasses, here's the deal: My 5 year old daughter is a sick little girl. Not "sick" like Daddy "sick", but she's ill with the flu or some shit and I've got to take her to the Doctor this morning.

The Doctor is in a town about 25 miles from the Dumbass Dome, so I won't have time enough this morning to write a new story. Therefore, I'll leave you some Old Shit about dog shit.

And Willie Nelson.

A Dumbass Success Story

Allow me to relate a story Willie Nelson once told me as we were getting blasted while I interviewed him. I shall regale you with the Reader's Digest Version.

Willie's first love is music. Everything else comes in second place. Period. Now this kind of outlook can put a great deal of strain on a marriage, especially when one is married to Willie Hugh Nelson.

Anyway, Willie told me that on this particular night (now early the next morning), he was out playing poker or some shit and he came home commode huggin' drunk. His wife was kind enough to let Willie get in bed and crash into an alcoholic coma (as it were) for a little shut eye.

Needless to say the then-Mrs. Nelson was not especially happy about Willie's behavior at the time, so, God bless her, she did what any Texas woman with a drunk, philandering husband would do. She sewed him up in the bed sheet! Oh, wait, this gets a lot better, Dumbasses. Mrs. Willie then proceeded to find the nearest broom. Educational Note for Young People: Broom handles were made of wood back then. The same kind of wood Roy Hobbs used for his baseball bat in "The Natural". Hard, As, A. Rock

So here's an extremely inebriated Willie Nelson sewn up in a bed sheet about to experience something that few men in History have lived through. A pissed off wife who sewed you into said bed sheet with a cement hard broom handle about to go Babe Ruth on your drunk ass. Simply put, Mrs. Willie beat the living dog shit out of the Red Headed Stranger at this, for Willie, most inopportune time. Babe Ruth hit 714 career home runs during his playing days. Mrs. Willie Nelson hit nearly 900, so it seemed to Willie, in just a few minutes.

That's how I feel today - like Mrs. Willie Nelson went Mickey Mantle on my skull.

Therefore, today I will re-post a story that is still getting quite a bit of attention from Dumbasses around the world. It's a steaming turd story of getting rich from dog shit.

You'll thank me later.

Dumbass.

Best of Dumbass News

Takin' Shit & Gettin' Paid
OK, I admit it. The thought of this blog going down the toilet has crossed my mind from time to time. What seems like easy work to many people can be a very demanding task to those of us who are stoopid enough to write something that is hopefully clever and informative on a regular basis.

Alas, Dumbass News has gone to shit. Dog shit to be precise.

Let me drop the deuce on you. Metaphorically speaking of course.

Speaking of Tough Jobs

As taxing as it can be to come up with a good post every day, there are some jobs that make this one look like a walk in the park. The Doggie Park. Full of doggie doo doo. Bowser bombs. Poodle poop. Shih tzu shits.

I never really thought about it, I guess because I am not a pet owner, but all the Dog Parks and back yards in the country have got to be cleaned up every once in a while. Think about it. There are 78.2 million dogs in the United States and every last one of them has to make a doo doo at least a couple of times a day. That's a mess (ha ha) of canine crap. 30,000 tons a day or 10 million tons a year to be exact. Put another way, that's enough dog shit to fill up 3800 miles (267,500 big rigs) of fully loaded tractor-trailers ( lined up bumper to bumper from Boston to Seattle.

My Dad, a trucker for over forty years, is rolling over in his grave at the idea of hauling terrier turds from coast to coast.

Sorry, Dad.

There's Dough in That Thar Dog Dookey!

As I read the source article for this stinker of a post, I got to wondering, what kind of Dumbass would actually have a job removing dog shit from parks and yards all over the USA?

Very smart Dumbasses, that's what kind. These guys make a shit load of money.

All the information that I have given you today comes from a bidness named, I am not making this up, Doody Calls.  Other than the obvious pratfalls of cleaning up after Rover takes a healthy squat, Doody Calls provides a very valuable service to not only their clients, but to the rest of us as well. If not properly disposed of, poochy plops can leave behind germs and bacteria that cause heartworms, parvovirus, salmonella and e.coli! No shit.

I couldn't end this screed without relaying to you SOME "Fun Facts" about greyhound grunt. Shamelessly stolen from the Doody Calls web site are these little nuggets:
  • DoodyCalls scoops over 3 million poops a year!
  • Over 8,000 dogs are happy DoodyCalls customers!
  • We are the FIRST pet waste removal franchise in the WORLD! (ed.-I believe that!) 
  • How many scooped poops does it take to make it to the top of Mount Everest and back? 400,000! 

Not an Endorsement

I am not plugging the Doggie Doo Doo Guys for any other reason than they are knuckleheads who have taken a dirty job and turned it into a money-making enterprise that is good for them and the communities they serve. I will, however, urge you to read their web page  and see what all they have to say. It's really good shit.

Doody Calls. 

Dumbasses.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Roadkill Restaurant!

Best of Dumbass News

You know how in any town of any size there are 134 Dine In/Take Out Chinese Restaurants to every citizen? I have, and I'm sure you have as well, wondered how they could serve an All You Can buffet fit for an Emperor for only $5.99.

Now we have an answer. And it ain't purty.

Roadkill.

All Joking Aside...

I have often joked about the reason the prices are so low is that the owners of the restaurant, often immigrants to America and unfamiliar with our customs and laws, probably got the meat on the buffet from the local Animal Shelter. It's worse than that, folks. Much worse.

CBS affiliate WYMT tells us about a Chinese restaurant in Williamsburg, Kentucky that went the extraa mile in feeding their customers. And by "extra mile" I mean to the nearest interstate highway. WYMT reports, "Two of the workers came in wheeling a garbage can and they had a box sitting on top of it. And hanging out of the garbage can, they were trying to be real quick with it. So that nobody could see it. But there was like a tail, and a foot and leg. Sticking out of the garbage can and they wheeled it straight back into the kitchen," adds Hopkins. (ed.- "Hopkins" was a customer/witness to this mess)
Hopkins, who described the scene that left a trail of blood across the floor as 'very disturbing,' called the health department immediately.
An environmental health inspector, Paul Lawson, reportedly arrived at the Chinese restaurant after the complaint to find a dead deer in the restaurant's kitchen.

The workers did this with customers in the dining room!

Woops!

What? No Possum?

Before reading the story, I was thinking that some Ma and Pa cafe had been caught serving possum or raccoon in their place. I never in a million years would have guessed it was a Chinese restaurant. We're talking about Kentucky, not Cal-ee-forn-ya here.

What kills me is the fact that the two China Guys thought they could get away with wheeling the dead deer in the trash can through the dining area. With actual customers in there and everything. I would give a thousand bucks to have heard the hatching of this brilliant plan.

China Guy 1: Hey, Won Hung Lo! Let's go on the north side of Interstate 75 and look for tomorrows buffet meet. I hear the truckers run over deer and possum there like crazy and just leave them laying on the roadside. Those ungrateful Imperialist Yankee Pigs!

China Guy 2: OK, Dum Phuk Er! Let's go!

China Guy 1: When we get back to the restaurant, we must quickly wheel the roadkill in through the Dining Room Got It? Those Amerian Dogs will be too busy eating yesterday's skunk, which they think is beef! Hahahahaha!

China Guy 2: You crack me up, Dum Phuk Er! Wait'll they get a load of the "duck"!

China Guys 1 & 2: bwahahahahahahahaha !!!! 

Which brings me to a joke. How many Chinese restaurant owners does it take to make a lunch buffet? Two. One to watch out for traffic! bwahahahahahahahahaha I kill myself sometimes.

Penalty Box

You'd think that some major closure and/or fines would be imposed on the restaurant owners, right? Wrong. The WYMT report goes on, "The Red Flower Chinese Restaurant will not face any fines and will be able to reopen if they pass a secondary health inspection. The restaurant owner alleges that he was going to serve the deer to his family and not to customers." 

Riiiiiiiiiiiighttt. And I am the fucking Tooth Fairy

Dumbasses.

(Image from WYMT.com)

Sunday, January 20, 2013

The Old Meth Lab in the Underwear Trick!

Dave
Best of Dumbass News
 
While the United States is the greatest country in the History of the World, we are still faced by problems that have plagued mankind since Cain took out Abel. Murder, obviously, rape and other horrific sex crimes to name a few.

Prominently displayed high on the list of Scourges on Humanity is drug abuse. Millions of citizens of this great land are hooked on drugs like Liberals are hooked on Gubmint and OPM (Other Peoples" Money). A significant number of drug addicted Americans are ordinary people who have made some real fucked up choices in their lives and, for whatever reason, turned to self medication as a way to cope with the difficulties in their lives. As a Former Professional Drinker, I have a tremendous amount of sympathy and empathy for these souls. On the other hand, however, many drug abusers are just plain old Dumbasses.

Let me offer you an example.

An Example

A prime example of a Dumbass doing drugs simply because he is an idiot is David Williams of Oklahoma.

Dave and one of his junkie friends were driving through Okmulgee County, Oklahoma when they got pulled over for speeding. (BTW "Okmulgee" is a Cherokee Indian word for "We Hate the Paleface for Fucking Us Over in the 1800s") And when I say "speeding", I mean speeding! Exceeding the posted speed limit was the least of Dave's worries. His most pressing concern at this point is the portable meth lab in his UNDERWEAR! I ain't kiddin'! Dumbass Dave had a mini meth lab in his draws.

When Dave & Friend were pulled over, the Oklahoma State Trooper who did so noticed a strange smell coming from the Meth Mobile. This is a not a good thing if you are Dave. Or "Friend" for that matter. The Trooper asked about the weird smell emanating from the car and that's when the struggle began. Dave and the cop rassled around for a moment then the situation took a dramatic turn. The meth lab in Dave's undies exploded! BOOM! The simple explosion of something located in proximity to a man's gazebos is cause for serious concern to the man in question. You see, in order to produce meth a volatile mixture of chemicals must be used, thus the ignition of the shit in Dave's BVDs.

That's gonna leave a mark.

A Dave That Will Live in Infamy

I have published some Pulitzer-worthy posts about Dumbasses who have been featured on these pages because of the stoopid shit they did and the involvement of drugs in their very public acts of dumbassery. There's this story about a couple of Dumbasses who are in possession of $425,000 worth of pot and the car containing the weed gets hijacked! How about the Einstein who was buying some pot in some seedy neighborhood when he got robbed. Then he called the police! This one's the doozy about some Dumbass Bitch who texted someone telling them that she had some primo shit. The "someone" in question was a cop! 


As outrageous as those stories are, I gotta give Dave credit for out-dumbassing all other dumbasses and their drug deals. Dave, you have raised (lowered?0 the bar for Future Dumbasses who choose to become in the fine art of drug trafficking. Setting a new standard in the Realm of Dumbassery is a rare achievement akin to finally finding Waldo.

I salute you.
Official Dumbass Salute












I think Dave should take advantage of his recent misfortune by creating and marketing a new brand of men's underwear. The new brand's name? Fruit of the Boom!

Dumbass.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Gun Control: Dumbass Buys Illegal Gun, Promptly Shoots Self in Genitals!

Shot in Number 3
Best of Dumbass News 
 
"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

Beautiful words, those. That visionary statement is the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.

There are, of course, exceptions to the Amendment. Like convicted felons owning guns and that sort of thing.

Which brings us to today's story.

Big No No

Tavares Donnell Colbert is one of the exceptions to the 2nd Amendment in which I alluded to earlier. He is a convicted felon having been found guilty of possession and intent to distribute a controlled substance. Therefore, no pistola for Senor Colbert.

But Mr. Colbert, being the Dumbass Drug Dealer and convicted asswipe that he is, has no desire nor compunction to obey the law. Hell, he just spent a stretch in the Big House, and I feel safe in saying that he probably didn't take any civics classes while he was locked up. But, I am merely speculating.

To further bolster my argument, let me fill you in on the fact that Tavvy-poo illegally bought a weapon off the street some where in Kansas.

This is where the fun begins.

The Fun

From what I ascertain, Tav was planning his next big bidness venture in the Wonderful World of Narcotics Capitalism, when he thought it would be a good thing to test out his ill-gotten gun before actually committing a crime. So he got on Interstate 35, found a nice private place to bust a few caps.

Then he promptly shot himself in his Manhood.

My source story doesn't get specific about whether Tavares blasted himself in the gazebos or in Willie the One-Eyed Wonder Worm. As a member of the Male of the Species, I can unquestionably tell you that neither the gazebos nor Willie are the most preferred place in which to suffer a gunshot wound. Anytime. Especially at close range. That's gotta leave mark.

With his genitals now resembling shredded wheat, "T" drove himself to the hospital where he received emergency care for his ding-a-ling and his huevos. Plus! As an added bonus he also got a visit from the Oklahoma City Police Department. See, when injury by a firearm is involved in an ER visit, hospitals are required by law to notify law enforcement.

Upon seeing the evidence at hand (see what I did there?), the OKCPD did their duty and escorted Tavares Donnell Colbert to the OKC Facility for Dumbasses Who Shoot themselves in the nuts sack.TDC's next big adventure will include many years behind bars and an up close and very personal relationship with the Dumbass News Official Adopted Felon, Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams, iykwimaityd.

It appears that Prison Bitch-hood will suit Tavares well. Instead of testing an illegal firearm, he'll be testing "long barrelled "pistolas". And the elasticity of his bung hole.

Dumbass.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Suffocated By Sweater Puppies

Boobs. Knockers. Hooters. Hammers. Tits. Sweater puppies. Whatever we choose to call them, female mammary glands are a mainstay topic here at Dumbass News.

From the lingerie saleslady that was fired from her job because her heat seekers were too big to the stoopid broad who used her breast implants to smuggle cocaine, we've had a grip boobs news like no other web site in the world for almost two and a half years.

Despite the wide range and sheer volume of stories about ta-tas on this blog, new boobies stories come to our attention every day, none odder than the one we'll cover today.

Assault Hooters

Deadly in the Wrong Hands
A couple (of people, not knockers) got into a domestic disturbance. This little confrontation was "lively" enough that concerned neighbors called the Law.

At some point in the argument the female half of the dueling duo pinned her male counterpart down to the ground and laid on top of him. Somehow, the guy's face became buried between the woman's boobs. 99% of the time this would be an enviable position for a guy, or a lezbean, to be in. Such was not the case in this instance. I'm sure that right now there is at least one Dumbass in each of the 154 countries that read Dumbass News wondering, "Since when is it a bad thing for a man to have his mug firmly ensconced twixt a set of sweater puppies?" That's a fair question and there's a reasonable explanation for it. The dude couldn't breathe which lead to a condition known as DEATH! Smothered into the hereafter by boobs!

This story brings to mind the Dumbass who was cheating on his wife and kicked the bucket in mid hump of a threesome. I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb when I say that many of the male Dumbasses reading this post would be more than happy to keel over chin to chest with a woman and her hammers or in a Dumbass a trois. All I can say about that is that you are some sick, twisted fuckers. In other words, my kind of people.

It comes as no surprise that, like several Dumbasses reading this, the Lady With the Assault Boobs was drunk at the time of the incident. I don't know if the guy was drunk or not as he was unavailable for comment because he is DEAD! 

The woman was arrested and is facing 2nd degree murder charges.

Oh, yeah one more thing...this whole ordeal took place in a trailer park.

Figgers.

Dumbasses.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The 1st Dumbass Newspaper Headlines of 2013!

Ladies and gentlemen and Dumbasses from 154 countries around the globe, it's time once again for one of the most popular features on Dumbass News!

No, we are not gonna show nekkid lezbean photos of Salma Hayek, Angelina Jolie or Charlize Theron. Get your mind out of the gutter, Dumbass. We show nekkid lezbean photos of beautiful Hollywood starlets on Saturday, not Thursday! Geez.

Although I am great fan of nekkid lezbean photos of beautiful wimmin, what we are gonna do today is another edition of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Let us sally forth...

I'll be busy that day. While police are busy taking all you Dumbasses into custody, I'll be on a crime spree of epic proportions.



That must have hurt like hell.


It's about time. We love hookers here at Dumbass News. We really do. For proof, look here or here.
Maybe it's illegal to fish for sharks where this guy lives.
It's also time to spark up the Buffalo Wings.

Bonnie Lewinsky?

Dumbasses.


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Dumbass: I'll Trade Ya This Stolen $40k Car for $20 Worth of Crack

Last week I bought a car. Not a new car, real good used one. I picked it up from a mechanic that I've been doing bidness with for a couple of years. I learned about Jim (the mechanic) from Mike the Maintenance Hombre here at our apartment complex. He has been working here for about two years and I know him pretty well, so I trust Mike's judgement. I figger that if a guy who fixes shit for a living recommends another guy who fixes other shit for a living, it's all good. Word of mouth advertising and all that.

Anyway, I went down to see Jim the Mechanic, found a car I liked, took a test drive, and bought it. Outright. Cash. It's mine.

This is more than I can say for Carlos Sergio Valdes of Austin, Texas.

Carlos and the Car

Carlos also recently paid a visit to a car dealer. Quick note: For all the Yoopers in the Dumbass Horde, "Carlos" is a Meskin name. I thought that I'd pass that on to you because I know that the only Meskins you have ever seen were on TV and the name "Carlos" prolly threw you for a loop because it ain't Fwench.

Back to Carlos...Carlos went to a Chebby dealer down in Austin under the pretense of buying a new automobile. But the Chevy Salesman that was helping Carlos out had no clue about the shenanigans good ol' Chuck had up his sleeve. Quick note, too: "Carlos" translates from Spanish to English as "Charles". Hence, "Chuck". Or "El Chuck-o". Take your pick. 

El Chuck-o and the Chevy Sales Guy had a nice car-buying conversation. Carlos was so impressed by the SUV that he took the brand spankin' new Chevy Tahoe on a test drive. Without permission! A quick look at Chevrolet's web site says that Tahoes are priced starting at $39,830. This is an important fact to remember.

Meanwhile, Back at the Chevrolet Dealership...

So here's Carlos on an unauthorized test drive in a $39,830 SUV. Nothing good could come from this, could it?

El Chuck-o was gone with the Tahoe for a couple of hours when he called the Austin Police Department to report the car stolen! The APD met with Carlos to discuss the stolen ride. He obliged them with the details of the theft and everything was cool. Until the cops later pulled over a woman driving the missing SUV.

She ratted out Carlos quicker than a fat kid sucks down a double dip chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cone. She indeed ha gotten the Tahoe from Carlos - for two rocks of crack cocaine! Now where I come from, trading $20 worth of crack for a $39,830 Chevy Tahoe is a very good bidness deal. If you are the crack dealer. Where I come from this is also known as receiving stolen merchandise. And a felony.

Observations
  • The Chevy Guy is an idjit.
  • Never let a guy with the name of "Sergio" as part of his moniker near a $39,830 automobile. This is very bad joo joo.
  • When you commit a felony like Grand Theft Auto, it's a very bad idea to call the cops. They have ways of figuring this kind of deal out.
  • If a guy is willing to steal a $39,830 SUV and trade it for $20 worth of crack cocaine, his life is fucked up because of said crack cocaine.
  • Crack cocaine must be some good shit. 
  • Chevy sucks. See: bailout; tax payers money; not yet paid back.
  • Can we the American Taxpayer repo General Motors since they still owe us billions of dollars? (I don't care what their TV ads say to the contrary) If you were to miss a car payment or two they'd snatch your wheels quick as a hiccup. Turnabout is fair play.
Dumbasses.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Gubmint Employee Reprimanded for Farting at Work!

I am a simple man (cue Lynyrd Skynyrd). I have always been in awe of the things that so many people take for granted. Like the stars. We see them every night of our lives and over time they are kind of "just there" to most people. Not to me though. There's not a time I go outside at night and not think of the majesty of those seemingly tiny twinkling lights in the nighttime sky. Think about it for a moment. The star light you are looking at has traveled through the vastness of outer space for billions of light years and is just now visible to the human eye. In essence, you are looking back in time.

Another thing that simply amazes me are tomato seeds. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that something so tiny can, when put into some dirt, watered and given the requisite amount of sunlight, produce a marvel of Nature like a big fat beefsteak tomato. How the hell does that work like that? I don't know and I don't care. All I know is that it does work and I ain't askin' questions.

Which brings us to farting.

A Real Gone Gasser

I am sure that it will come as no surprise to you that stories about farting are not new to Dumbass News. It was almost two years ago to the day that I wrote about the nation of Malawi's proposed law to ban farting under certain circumstances like: "insulting the modesty of a woman," "disturbing religious assemblies" and "trespassing on burial places". Pffffffffttttt!

Last summer I told you about a guy who threatened to shoot his neighbor for farting! This post is doubly entertaining as it also has a brief etymology of the word "fart".

While outlawing gaseous anal emissions and/or shooting another human bean because he broke wind may be a bit on the extreme side, being reprimanded for farting at work is not.

Hostile Work Environment  

The U.S. Social Security Administration said it has rescinded a reprimand filed against an employee for creating a "hostile work environment" by passing gas.
The reprimand, which became public when it was posted on TheSmokingGun website, was filed against a worker accused by co-workers of creating a "hostile work environment" by continuously passing gas and releasing an unpleasant odor, The Washington Post reported Friday.

The agency said the reprimand has now been rescinded.

"When senior management became aware of the reprimand it was immediately rescinded," spokeswoman Dorothy Clark said.

The Social Security Administration did not offer a date for the rescinding action or respond to questions about the status of the employee.

The reprimand was filed by the agency's Office of Disability Operations and cited 60 occasions when the worker was accused of passing gas -- up to nine times per day -- in his office over the course of about 12 weeks.

The employee was described by TheSmokingGun as a 38-year-old man working at a Social Security office in Baltimore. 


Is nothing sacred anymore?

When an employer can reprimand, or even possibly terminate, you because you exercise your Constitutionally-guaranteed (it falls under the "pursuit of happiness" or something) right to let one rip, then that employer must be held accountable! 

Revolt! 

Eat more beans!

Do not be silent! (but deadly)

Fart like there's no tomorrow!

Dumbasses.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Poll: Congress More Popular Than Meth Labs, But Not Cockroaches

There's an old saying that goes something like this, "if 'con' is the opposite of 'pro', is 'Congress' the opposite of 'progress'?" The answer to that query is a resounding "hell yes!".

I am not the only one that feels this way.

Let me splain.


They Asked, You Replied

Public Policy Polling, a nationally recognized polling firm, recently asked 830 Americans from around the country a "series of either/or questions about Congress vs some very unpleasant alternatives".

For example, when pitted against the Kardashians, Congress comes out ahead. Our elected representatives, and I use the term "representatives" very loosely here, also edged out:
  1. North Korea
  2. Fidel Castro
  3. Lindsay Lohan
  4. The ebola virus
  5. Communism (although it's difficult to distinguish the current bunch in Washington, DC from your garden variety Commie; see numbers 1 & 2)
  6. Meth labs
  7. Gonorrhea
I'm sure the United States Congress is very happy that it out-polls perhaps the most oppressive gubmint in the world, one of the most despised mass murdering dictators in history, a deadly disease, an illegal narcotic, an actress with a well publicized drinking and drug problem and a venereal disease. I know that this puts a song in my heart. <----oozing with sarcasm.

The list above is the good news in this story.

The Bad News

Wanna hear some of the nasty shit that, according to this poll, Americans have a better opinion of when compared to your US Gubmint?
  1. Genghis Khan - At least he fought wars to win. Right, Mr. Preznit?
  2. Fwance - Proving we have become a nation of pussies....thanks Obama voters!
  3. Donald Trump - Can he fire 535 people all at once?
  4. Traffic jams - Nothing says I hate Congress more than sniffing automobile emissions on a sweltering summer day in Houston.
  5. Nickelback (the rock band) - So what? Like Congress, this band is long on BS, short on substance.
  6. Root canals - If only Novocaine could dull the pain of the House & Senate.
  7. Colonoscopies - at least you expect to take it up the ass with a colonoscopy.
  8. Cockroaches - Like the cucarachas in DC, they scatter when you turn on the light and they are impervious to insecticides.
There ya go, America. That's how the idjits who make the laws we live by stack up against such formidable competition as the ordinary cockroach, murderous despots and  having a medical device shoved up your anal cavity.

What a country!

God help us all.

Dumbasses.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Hobo Hotel: Locked in Port-o-Potty! Drunk Dumbass Sleeps in It!

Hobo Hotel
Best of Dumbass News
In late September, I wrote about a guy who got his jollies by diving for doo doo. At the time, I was certain that we would not encounter another story having to do with port-a-potties for quite a while. What the hell was I thinking? Then came this guy. Not to be out dung(ed) along comes this dumbass in New Jersey to prove me wrong.

Here's the poop, I mean scoop. Unlike the doo doo diver guy who was sober as a judge, this time our dumbass was lit like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. From what I can gather, the 61 year old dumbass in today's story was simply using the port-a-potty to take a leak and somehow got locked in the toilet. He said he tried banging on the john's door and screaming real loud, but there was no response to his plea for help. So, like any drunk worth his weight in Budweiser, the dumbass went to sleep in the port-a-potty. How a guy could sleep in a portable can is beyond me, but this guy must have been really plastered. When he woke up he again began to make a lot of noise, which is what all New Jersey drunks do after they spend the night in a port-o-let. After all, the liquor stores open at 9am and this dumbass was thirsty for breakfast and in a large hurry. As a former Professional Drinker, I can relate to his wanting to get to the beer store, but I fail to muster up any sympathy for doing something as dumbass as passing out in a portable john, when I'm sure there are plenty of perfectly good bridges nearby that would make swell places to sleep...if you're a drunk dumbass.

Even though he was late getting to the beer store, our dumbass, whose name was not released (no shit?), was finally freed  from his Port-a-Prison, then taken to a local hospital where he was deemed OK to return to being a Dumbass Wino. A spokesdumbass for the township told the press, "No one has ever heard of anything like this happening here." Who the hell does he think he's fooling with that bullshit? This New Jersey for God's sake and you guys call incidents like this one, Friday night!

This story does have a valuable lesson for us all. Let's hear it straight from the mouth of police Lt. Christopher Brignola, "We are instructing our employees that from now on they are supposed to open the door and look inside before padlocking it." Be sure to knock first. You never know when you'll intrude on a sleeping dumbass in a portable toilet.

Dumbass.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

The Liberal Way to Get Rich: Make $60K a Year by Begging!

Hiya, Dumbasses! For today's story, I want you to take notes. Yes, notes. I am going to present to you a way to knock out about $5000 a month. That's 60 Large a year. get a pencil and paper, a cup of coffee, a poster bard and a Sharpie. This is going to be the easiest $60,000 a year you ever pulled in.

No, I am not selling anything nor am I asking you to buy anything. This is an honest to goodness safe and legal way to make a decent living doing nothing. By "nothing", I of course mean "panhandling". Begging. Asking people to give you money and you are obligated in no way to reciprocate the charity. You ask. They give. Easy, huh?

Beggars

We have all seen these guys in towns and cities all across the country. You know the ones. The guy who looks like he last had a shower in 1962 holding a sign that says something like, "Need $$$$ for Gas and Food". Your friendly neighborhood WalMart store is a prime piece of real estate for these Dumbasses. So is a busy traffic intersection.

In my youth, I would be traveling somewhere in Texas on one of the Interstate Highways and see guys and gals standing on the side of the highway with people zipping by in automobiles at a 75 miles per hour clip. The hitch hiking Dumbass would be holding a small hand written sign that had his destination scribbled on it. For instance, I'd be headed south bound in I-35 from Dallas to Austin and some fool would be planted on the shoulder of the Interstate holding a piece of cardboard with the word "WACO" scribbled on it meaning he wanted to hitch a ride to Waco. I had a perfect answer for these maroons in the form of a bumper sticker that read "No Gas, No Grass, No Ass, No Ride". And I meant it, too.

I knew the lazy fuck would have no money, so that's one strike against him. Sometimes a hitcher would have a little weed to share so he'd hop in, we'd get high and he'd get to Waco. Women hitch hikers? I never expected nor wanted any ass from them, I just thought it was a funny way to end a bumper sticker's pithy saying. There weren't a helluva lot of females thumbing for rides, but if there was, I'd generally pull over and take her as far as I was going or to her destination, which ever was closer. If the chick looked like she was hungry, I'd stop and buy her something to eat and at the end of the ride slip her a few bucks and wish her good luck, wonder if she'd ever make it to where she was headed. I hope so.

Note Taking Time

I think I misspoke when I said get a pencil and paper earlier. I forgot for a moment that I am dealing with Dumbasses here. I meant to say "Get a crayon and some paper" with which to take notes. Or Doodle. Or eat the crayon. Like I give a shit.

Anyway, there's a guy named Shane Warren who never hits an honest lick (for you Yoopers, that means he's a shiftless bastard who doesn't have nor want a job) and brings home the bacon to the tune of sixty thousand dollars a year! Sixty. Grand. A. Year. Things could be worse here. What is it that allows Shane to rake in the cheese at this rate? He's a panhandler. A beggar. A lazy sonuvabitch. But a very successful lazy sonuvabitch.

This Dumbass does so well at making money of the generosity of others that, according to BusinessInsider, he makes about the same amount of money a year as an architect, appraiser or computer programmer analyst. This seems to bolster President YouDidn'tBuildThis' argument that the private sector is doing OK. Now if we could just get the welfare cheats (I am talking the cheaters here, not everybody on assistance) and other lazy asswipes to start begging from someone besides the gubmint, the economy would be so hot it would spit sparks moving forward.
Shane Warren, $60K/year Beggar

Oh, yeah. Each day that Shane spends begging for food and travel money, he pays $200 for a panhandling permit, which he says is no problem. No shit?

Wasted Money

This story makes me think of my friends back home. People who went to trade school or college or something like that and have jobs that provide a service to their communities. People like Clay, who runs his own insurance agency. Or my dear sweet Anna (one of my favorite people EVER) who teaches Spanish and English to the white kids and Meskins. Or Joe the roofing guy, who is there in the hottest heat and the coldest cold repairing holes in roofs all over North Texas simply because people need it done - now. I think about these friends and about how they have sacrificed time and money helping others while guys like Shane Warren let others help him at a $5000 a month rate.

Some will say that Shane is a worthless dickweed sponging off the kindness of strangers while others will say he's brilliant and is doing nothing wrong or immoral. Shady? Maybe.

I say that he's got a great gig going on. He ain't forcin' anybody to throw some loose change in his direction, he's just holding up a sign. When the well runs dry, Shane will get thirsty and will find some other way to quench his parched throat. I say more power to him. He ain't rippin' off taxpayers and he ain't hurtin' kids. Plus he's carving out a pretty good existence for himself. I hope the IRS doesn't bust his ass.

What do you think? Is Shane a crook? A genius? An Asshole? Tell us in the comments.

Crook, genius, asshole...I don't know. But I do know that Shane Warren is my kind of guy.

A Dumbass.

***Photo courtesy koco.com***


7

Friday, January 11, 2013

Dumbass Gun Sex: A Leading Cause of Dead Wives

Not a Sex Aid
The story you are about to read is both dumbass and tragic. It provides a valuable, although horrific, lesson that even being a dumbass has its limits before you cross over into negligence and criminality. Sadly, the dumbass in our story today learned a lesson he'd rather not have been taught, I hope. here's what I mean by "I hope":

A 23 year old man and his wife, 50, were having sex when the woman was killed by a single gunshot wound to the head. WTF? you are asking. I've heard of people dieing of heart attacks during sex, but a fatal gunshot during the act? Not so much.

The 23 year old man told police that he and his wife often played a little game during sex in which he would put a handgun to her head while they did the deed. They were engaged in sex when he grabbed a gun off the nightstand not realizing that it was loaded and he put it to her head like he said he always did, when the gun accidentally discharged, killing the woman. What a fucking dumbass. I won't go into gun safety here, because I would just be preaching to the choir. On top of that, the dumbass guy owned several other weapons and should have damn sure known better. Instead, a woman lays dead in cold storage in an Oklahoma morgue.

Not surprisingly, the cops believed this dumbass' story like I believe in the Tooth Fairy. He's being held on charges of first degree murder, soon to be in his own private little domicile on Death Row in an Oklahoma State Penitentiary, assuming of course that he found guilty by a jury of his peers, many of whom will be responsible gun owners who look down on such reckless behavior while in possession of a firearm.

Even if this dumbass gets life in prison, he'll almost certainly become a prison bitch to Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams. And Leon hates people who are such dumbasses with a weapon, but Leon loves to show his new bitches his "howitzer". Enjoy it. I know Leon will. 
 
Dumbass.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

No Late Night Internet for Teen, Drugs Milk Shakes for Mom & Dad

I am the father of four Little Dumbasses. Yes, I have polluted the gene pool with my progeny. I would say that procreating was a youthful indiscretion, but that would be untrue. And you know me, I am all about honesty - except when a good lie will save your ass. Anyway, I have four kids ranging in age from 5 to 33. The older kids (my sons) could be classified as the results of "youthful indiscretion". My two youngest? Not so much.

For the sake of this story, let's forget about my 30 and 33 year old sons. It's my two Little Girl Dumbasses (5 & 10 years old) that are kind of relevant to this story. I say kind of because they are too young right now to do what the girl in today's story did to her parents. This story does, however, serve as a warning and reminder that one day my two sweet little girls will be maniacal, revenge-minded, rebellious, fuck-you-Dad teenagers.

As for now I keep a pretty tight rein on my daughters. They don't always appreciate my fatherly protectiveness. But that's OK for now because I can still kick their asses if they go on a would-be patricidal rampage. In another few years, the shoe just might be on the other foot where they can kick my ass. Until then, my house, my rules. End. Of. Story.

Foreshadowing?

A couple in Rocklin, Cal-ee-forn-ya are the parents of a 16 year old girl. They, like me, keep a close eye on their daughter's activities. One thing that the parents were very strict about was that the girl was not allowed on the internet after 10 PM. That sounds very reasonable...unless you are a 16 year old girl.

After much complaining and fit throwing about this restriction on internet use, the teenager hatched a plan so she could stay online past the appointed hour. She did what any kid her age would do under similar circumstances - she drugged her parents' milk shakes with prescription sleeping pills that she got from a 15 year old friend. I guess that's one way to skin a cat.

Zzzzzzzz

The parents took a couple of swigs off the milk shakes, noticed that they tasted odd and stopped drinking them. But it was too late. They had drunk enough of the milk shake mickies to knock them out for the night.

After the parents woke up from their unexpected nap, they took a drug test and then confronted their daughter about the situation. She confessed to the scheme, ratted out her friend and was arrested.

Notes to Self   
  1. Plan ahead for potential internet use insurrection.
  2. Be flexible with daughters' hours of internet use.
  3. Stay in good physical shape in case an ass kickin' is in order. Their asses, not mine.
  4. If not in good physical condition, keep Louisville Slugger handy.
  5. Order one of those "I've fallen and can't get up" emergency thingys.
  6. Under no circumstances accept milk shake from daughters.
  7. Fuck it. 
Dumbass.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

That Sucks: Dumbass Siphons Raw Sewage Instead of Gas from RV!

Yesterday was one of the Worst Days in the History of Worst Days for your Fearless Leader. I'll spare you the details, but I will say that it involves several thousand dollars.

Needless to say that I'll be attending to this matter for most of the day, therefore, I'll satisfy your urge for Dumbassery with a story from last September. This is a story that many of my new readers and #TGDN Followers on Twitter have not yet read.

I think you'll like it.

Sometimes it just doesn't pay to get up in the morning.


I don't know where the original article came from except that Mrs. Fearless Leader shared it on Facebook via funmeme.com.

I Wanna Know

  • Are the sewage and fuel tanks on RVs not labeled as such?
  • If not, why?
  • If so, can't this Dumbass read?
  • If not, why can't he? 
  • Is he just another product of the Seattle School System?
  • Fire all Seattle teachers who taught him if the above is true. Please.
  • I kinda don't blame the guy. Gas is over four bucks a gallon.
  • The owner of the RV is a cool sumbitch letting a mouth full of shit be punishment enough for the Dumbass Gas Thief.
  • I'm glad that it was him and not me.
  • ROFLMFAO
I have put forth some very serious and demanding-of-answers questions and I fully expect them to be answered forthwith.

Yeah. Right.

And I am still ROFLMFAO.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Cyber Crime Solved by Online Pic of Boobs!

Have You Seen These Hooters?
Certain subject matter draws readers to this blog like a candy store brings in fat kids. If you were to go to the "Dumbass Search" feature located in the left side bar and typed in nekkid, tattoos or boobs, you would come up with the most popular posts this blog has put forth. I have written some outstanding articles dealing with other material, but nekkid, tattoos and boobs are hands down the favorite topics of the Dumbass Horde. I am all for nekkididity and sweater puppies, but tattoos, not so much. Hit up those three links and you'll see exactly what kind of perverted Dumbasses I get reading my award-worthy filth. You can thank me later.

I am all for nekkididity and sweater puppies, but tattoos, not so much. So for today, boobs it is!

Positive I.D.

Usually when a crime is committed, the bad guy leaves behind some tell tale piece of evidence that leads directly to his identification. You know what I mean...a finger print for example. Some Dumbasses have even left behind their driver's license at the scene of the dirty deed.

When a crime is committed in cyber space, stuff like an IP address will lead straight to the culprit. That is not always the case, however.

Allow me to elucidate. For those of you in Washington,DC, that means "let me splain".

The Hacker

Down on the Sinkin' Sandbar that is Galveston, Texas, is a Meskin Dumbass named Higinio Ochoa. Evidently, Higgy is pretty sharp when it comes to hacking into highly sensitive data bases like those of law enforcement agencies and he did just that to some cop shops Down Under. The Aussie Fuzz was not amused.

After much highly technical cyber sleuthing trying to locate the asswipe that compromised their not for public consumption data, the Australian authorities found their cyber way to an offshoot group of computer hackers affiliated with internet meanies "Anonymous". this is where Ochoa come and a pair of knockers come in to play.

The Boobs Tell All

As much as I don't like doing it, I must reproduce a goodly portion of the source article for this post that I found on c|net.com.

"Ochoa allegedly used a Twitter account to direct people to a Web site when all the law enforcement information he'd supposedly hacked was on display.
Also on display was a picture of a woman, her breasts lowering themselves tantalizingly toward the camera, with a sign beneath them reading: "''PwNd by w0rmer & CabinCr3w <3 u BiTch's''.
Now CabinCr3w is the apparent name of an Anonymous offshoot. And the "w0rmer" part? Well, the Twitter account linking people to the site was @AnonW0rmer.
However, the photograph of the breasts apparently linked authorities to Ochoa -- because, taken with an iPhone, it contained GPS information. The information allegedly suggested she lived in Melbourne, Australia.
Further burrowing led the police to discover a posting on Ochoa's Facebook page that allegedly revealed his girlfriend was Australian.
The claim is that police have managed to match pictures of her that Ochoa allegedly posted on Facebook to the breast image."  

Amazing.

Astonished

I have heard of suspects being linked to crimes through DNA taken from cigarette butts, clues obtained from their curb side garbage and even tattoos. But I can say with 100% certainty, that, although I have seen several pair of nice, cuddly sweater puppies, I have never been able to identify a set of heat seeking missiles with nothing more than a cell phone camera photograph.

I am shocked and awed by the industriousness of the Australian cops in finding an exact match of the hooters in question on a small island in the Gulf of Mexico, a half world away. These guys are my new heroes.

I salute you.

As for Ochoa the Hacker, next time take a picture of your girlfriend's pelvic area tattoo. If you've seen one muffin tattoo, you've seen 'em all. Unless the muffin is being chased down by the Wizards of Oz.

Dumbass.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Fail at Armed Robbery? Call Mom for a Ride Home!

Moms.

Other than Jesus, mothers are God's greatest gift to humanity. No questions asked.

I am closing in on sixty years old and I am still my Mom's Bouncin' Baby Boy. At least her eyes I am. I don't think there's anything Mom wouldn't do for me if I asked her to. At my age there's not a helluva lot I ask my Mom for, but there are times when she can tell that I need "something" - moral support, an ear to bend, stuff like that. And she's right, I do, at times, need her wisdom when life throws me a curveball. Moms are good like that.

I said earlier that there's very little that Mom wouldn't do for me. I can only think of three things off the top of my head that my Mom would disown me over. Those things are:
  • Leaving the Catholic Church.
  • Marrying a Liberal woman. 
  • Calling her for bail money. 
I have good news for Mom - I am still Catholic. I am married to Conservative woman. I don't need bail money. Yet.

Zach
The same can not be said of Zachariah Dalton Howard.

What Zach Did

I don't know if Zach is Catholic or married to a Liberal woman, but I do know that he's a Dumbass.

You see, not long ago Zach walked into a Niceville, Florida convenience store to do more than buy a shitload of Snickers bars. He approached the cashier on duty, said he had a gun and wanted all the money in the register drawer. It turns out that Zach's timing was as bad as his idea to commit a felony. Lo, the cash drawer was empty! Dejected that his crime was a waste of time, Zach calmly left the convenience store and headed straight for a pay phone. To call his Mother for a ride home!

Now, I am not a criminal, nor do I play one on TV, but I can say with an abundance of confidence that calling your Mother after a failed attempt at armed robbery violates some kind of Criminal Code of Conduct or something. Doesn't it? If not, it should.

By the way, Zach told the cops after he was arrested that he had not planned to rob the c-store, he just happen to hatch the idea of becoming a laughingstock in the Criminal Underworld while he was on his way to the store to buy a shitload of Snickers bars!

Conclusions 

Upon further review, I have come to some conclusions about Zachary Dalton Howard.
  1. When on his way to a convenience store, Zach should think more about a shitload of Snickers bars than committing armed robbery.
  2. There are much better ways to become a criminal laughingstock than unlawfully demanding money from a local merchant. For example, on next next foray into Felonyland, Zach could lose almost a half a million dollars worth of pot in a car jacking.
  3. At least Zach didn't lose $20,000 cash in Vicious Murdering Drug Cartel Guy money and ask the cops to write him an excuse letter to the Bad Guys.
  4. Zach should put down the crack pipe.
  5. Zach is doomed to marry a Liberal woman. Who else would be stoopid enough to make a life long commitment to this idjit.
  6. Mom ain't happy with Zach.
Dumbass.
 
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