Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: February 2013 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Dumbass Threatens to Cook & Eat Divorce Judge's Kids!

Divorce.

One of the ugliest words in the English language. Unless of course you are married to a real motherfucker. If you find/have found yourself in the position of being hitched to a steaming pile of yak shit of a spouse, then the word "divorce" rings in your ears like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the Hallelujah Chorus.

Still, it is always in your best interest, especially if kids are involved, to conduct yourself civilly during divorce proceedings.

Loves Kids; Especially with Salt & Mustard
James Satterfield of Cobb County, Georgia probably wishes he had done so.

But, as the old Carole King song goes, "it's too late, baby now, it's too late".

She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft

You see, James Satterfield went through a divorce in which he felt he was unfairly treated. There are ways to remedy court rulings in which one feels he or she has been given the short end of the stick. These remedies involve lawyers, judges and all kinds of other fun-filled legal system avenues. James, being all pissed off at the judge in his divorce case, forewent these processes. Instead, good ol' Jimmy wrote a letter to the presiding judge in the matter of the dissolution of his marriage.

What could possibly go wrong?

I guess that nothing would go wrong unless in the letter to Hizzoner you threaten to murder his children and "cook them first to make them more palatable". Any father would immediately take great offense at such a threat. But not just any father can throw your lousy ass in jail and toss away the key. A father who is a County Superior Court Judge can.

In addition to threatening to make the judge's kids his supper, the warrant for James' arrest also stated that he had written a check to his soon-to-be ex-wife for $72,000, moved out of his apartment and told his family to give away his belongings. Oh, yeah, one more thing. James had a gun in his truck. With this evidence in hand, Authorities determined that James was about to carry out (carry out! kids for lunch! hahahaha!) his nefarious plot.

This is why Jim Bob is in the County Lock Up being held without bail.

To be accurate, it wasn't the judge in James' divorce case that threw him in the slammer, it was another judge altogether.

James was also ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation.

Ya think?

Dumbass.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Guy Has Testicular Cancer Surgery; Doctors Remove Wrong Gazebo!

Tragedy and comedy.

Today's story has plenty of both.

Here's the deal.

The Deal

A guy over in London has testicular cancer. The best way to treat this malady is with surgery. So The Guy goes in to have his cancerous gazebo removed. The procedure goes well.

Except for one minor detail.

The surgeon removed the wrong gazebo!

There are probably a million gazebo (testicle) jokes I could insert here, but I ain't goin' down that road. I am a Guy and over the last 56 years I have grown quite fond of my gazebos, both of them, and wish them no ill will. We are a package deal. See what I did there?

Thumbnail Version


A middle-aged businessman is suing a hospital trust after a surgeon removed the wrong testicle by mistake.

The man has been told that he can no longer father a child as the testicle that should have been removed is believed to be cancerous.

The 48-year-old man who lives with his new partner in Wiltshire had the operation at the Salisbury District Hospital last year.

He claims that, 40 minutes into the operation, the surgeon realised his mistake and had the healthy testicle placed “on ice” while a plastic surgeon was summoned. Although the testicle was successfully reattached...
etc, etc, etc.


A Couple of Things  

Besides the obvious "woopsy daisy we cut off the wrong gazebo" stuff, there are a couple of things in this story that stand out to me. 
  1. The story says that The Guy can no longer father a child. Then it goes on to say that he lives with his new "partner". To me, "lives with his new partner" screams that The Guy is a homo. Unless there's some kind of new medical technology that bypasses females in the making baby bidness, being a homo precludes one from procreating with one's partner. I know about in vitro and all that shit, but the way the story is written it sounds like The Guy is gonna go all Rump Ranger with his boyfriend and miraculously impregnate him. Ain't gonna happen.
  2. Another thing that caught my eye was the fact that a little over a half hour into the surgery the doctors, after having put it "on ice", reattached the healthy testicle after calling a plastic surgeon. What man, even a homo, would want to have a non-functioning gazebo reattached if it ain't gonna work properly? Cosmetic reasons? You might as well implant a pair of golf balls into the nut sack at this point. The results would be the same, but at least The Guy would have a matching set of gazebos.
  3. Sue the fucking Gazebo Doctor and the hospital into oblivion. (which The Guy did)
  4. How's that nationalized health care working over there, you bunch of Socialist Limeys?
  5. Obamacare - be afraid. Very afraid.
  6. Especially if you have gazebo problems.
  7. Lance Armstrong.
Dumbasses. 
 


A British man is suing a hospital after surgeons removed the wrong testicle during cancer surgery.
The U.K. Metro reports doctors realized the mistake about 40 minutes after the initial surgery and tried to correct the mistake in an emergency procedure to no avail.
“The matter is in the hands of my solicitor,” the unnamed man said. “She is about to issue proceedings now.”
- See more at: http://washington.cbslocal.com/2013/02/26/man-sues-hospital-after-wrong-testicle-removed-during-cancer-surgery/#sthash.OBsdmcui.dpuf
A British man is suing a hospital after surgeons removed the wrong testicle during cancer surgery.
The U.K. Metro reports doctors realized the mistake about 40 minutes after the initial surgery and tried to correct the mistake in an emergency procedure to no avail.
“The matter is in the hands of my solicitor,” the unnamed man said. “She is about to issue proceedings now.”
- See more at: http://washington.cbslocal.com/2013/02/26/man-sues-hospital-after-wrong-testicle-removed-during-cancer-surgery/#sthash.OBsdmcui.dpuf
A British man is suing a hospital after surgeons removed the wrong testicle during cancer surgery.
The U.K. Metro reports doctors realized the mistake about 40 minutes after the initial surgery and tried to correct the mistake in an emergency procedure to no avail.
“The matter is in the hands of my solicitor,” the unnamed man said. “She is about to issue proceedings now.”
- See more at: http://washington.cbslocal.com/2013/02/26/man-sues-hospital-after-wrong-testicle-removed-during-cancer-surgery/#sthash.OBsdmcui.dpuf
A British man is suing a hospital after surgeons removed the wrong testicle during cancer surgery.
The U.K. Metro reports doctors realized the mistake about 40 minutes after the initial surgery and tried to correct the mistake in an emergency procedure to no avail.
“The matter is in the hands of my solicitor,” the unnamed man said. “She is about to issue proceedings now.”
- See more at: http://washington.cbslocal.com/2013/02/26/man-sues-hospital-after-wrong-testicle-removed-during-cancer-surgery/#sthash.OBsdmcui.dpuf

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

NSFW! 325 Pound Man Busts into Lingerie Shop, Plays "Hide the Plastic Sausage"

Before I even get started on today's foray into Dumbassery, I will WARN you that what you are about to read is NSFW!

Here at Dumbass News we ain't skeered to delve into some of the most bizarre news stories on the internet. In other words, we willingly and unashamedly dive head first into the slime. Today is no exception.

Let the Triple Lindys begin!

SPLAT!

Freak City

When you see those two words (Freak City), what town do you think of? San Francisco? Las Vegas? Davenport, Iowa? Davenport, Iowa??!! Freak City? Yup.

Allow me to elucidate.

Friend of the Foot Long
There's a Dumbass in Davenport who is a rather large fellow. 5'11", 325 pounds of Large Fellow. Being a Large Fellow does not of course predispose one to be a Dumbass, but being a Large Fellow and breaking into a lingerie store is a good start on the Road to Dumbassville.

New Meaning to Breaking & "Entering"

The Scene: 4:10 AM. Jose Perales (all 5'11", 325 lbs. of him) breaks into Dr. John's Lingerie Store and samples the merchandise.

The following mental image can not be un-seen!

Then, in what will surely repulse Dr. John's staffers, Perales walked into the manager’s office, removed his clothes, opened some of the merchandise, and “began to please himself anally on the manager’s desk and futon/couch.”
The burglar “then walked out of the office naked showing the large tattoo on his back. The tattoo read “PERALES” in Old English lettering.” The distinctive ink helped cops eventually identify Perales.
During his time inside the store, “Perales proceeded to try on female lingerie and experiment with sex toys for approximately two hours,” the complaint notes. When he departed Dr. John's he was “wearing a dress and blond wig belonging to the business.” He also left with a bag “containing various items belonging to the business.”

Inquiring Minds Want to Know
  • What. The. Fuck.
  • This will be not be in the Davenport Camber of Commerce's next Reasons to Visit Davenport brochure.
  • Do Jose look pretty in pink?
  • When Jose speaks of a "foot long", I am certain he does not mean a hot dog.
  • When Jose speaks of a "foot long", I am certain that he does mean a 12 inch plastic weenie.
  • Jose experimented with sex toys for two hours? Really?
  • I bet you could park a Mack Truck in Jose's hiney.
  • Jose will become known as "Ho -zay" in the Iowa State Penitentiary, where "foot longs" are the rule rather than the exception.
  • San Francisco has lost a fat gay guy named Jose.
  • I feel the need to projectile puke.
Dumbass.

***Hat Tip The Smoking Gun***

Monday, February 25, 2013

Dumbass Steals Snowplow, Winter Hilarity Ensues

Many parts of the country, ranging from the Texas Panhandle to New England, are under the frigid grip of Old Man Winter. Last night as we here in Maine got the last flakes of about a foot of snow, people in Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas were under a Blizzard Warning. As a side note, the Blizzard Warning was issued for Lubbock, Texas (Home of Some of the Finest Nekkid House Cleaning in the World) when the temperature was sixty-nine degrees outside! Welcome to Texas weather in the late winter.

As you know, the Upper Midwest has also been slammed by some wicked winter weather, thus keeping many Midwesterners inside. Many, but not all.

Leroy Duane Woodbeck of St. Paul, Minny-soda is a prime example of "many, but not all".

Cold Outside, Warm Inside

There's an old saying that goes something like this: "if it's so cold outside that your nut sack will freeze solid then without notice separate itself from its rightful place on your body, then it's too damn cold to be outdoors". OK, I admit that I just made that up, but it's the truth. Frozen gazebos = too fucking cold.

Leroy
This is a saying that Leroy Duane Woodbeck obviously has never heard of. Today, I bet he wishes he had.

Let me splain.

A-Plowing We Will Go 

Leroy, like hundreds of thousands of other Minny-soda-sippers, became bored from cabin fever due to the inclement winter weather. Unlike other Minny-soda-sippers, however, Leroy devised a plan to alleviate his boredom.

He decided to steal a snowplow!

While this is a worthy endeavor in order to create some excitement in one's life during tedious times, it is not what one might call exactly "legal". One might however refer to it as a "felony".

Anyway, Leroy pilfers the plow and goes on about his criminal bidness for a while. By "for a while" I mean until he managed to get the snowplow stuck! It was at this point that Leroy did what any Dumbass who had just committed a major felony would do. He went from door to door asking neighborhood residents for assistance. One guy even offered to call a tow truck so Leroy could get his plow truck out of the snow. Leroy politely declined the generous offer.

By this time, the Police had received word of the snowplow theft and were on the lookout for it. They found it. But Leroy had arleady split the scene.

After some outstanding detective work, and the fact that there were footprints in the snow leading straight to the culprit, Leroy was arrested and now faces some serious jail time.

Dumbass Observations
  1. When there is a shit ton of snow on the ground there are very few legitimate reasons to be outside. Being a Dumbass isn't one of them.
  2. If you're a Dumbass, leaving the cozy confines of your Mother's basement to go play in the snow is probably a bad idea. 
  3. Leaving the cozy confines of Mom's basement to commit a felony is an even worse idea.
  4. If you must commit a felony in the winter time, remember that when you walk in snow you leave behind footprints!
  5. GTS (Grand Theft Snowplow) is something best left to professional snowplow thieves.
  6. Do not eat the yellow snow.
Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Michael***

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Lawyer Pulls Joint Out of Pocket, Drops It - In Court Room!

Best of Dumbass News
  
"The first thing we do, Let's kill all the lawyers" - Dick the Butcher in Shakespeare's Henry the Sixth. Before you all go accusing me of being a smarty pants, let me assure you that I am just as big a Dumbass as you are. I knew the quote, I simply "googled" to find the specifics.

I bring this up today because there's an attorney in Nawlins (that's New Orleans for all the Yoopers in the audience) that probably wishes he was dead about now. Why?

Let me tell you why.

It Fell From His Pocket

Jason Cantrell is an assistant city attorney for the City of New Orleans. He was in court the other day when something most unusual, even for a court of law, happened. He was "in conversations" in the court room when a cop saw something fall from Canrell's shirt pocket. The cop, being the polite sort, reached down to pick the object up and guess what it was. A pen? Nope. A court document. Not this time. A joint? Yup. A doobie, a manually assembled relaxation device (MARD), a hooter, a marijuana cigarette dammit! This is a big no no even in The Big Easy.

WDSU.com picks up the story from there, City spokesperson Ryan Berni said Cantrell has been suspended without pay from his part-time position, pending further investigation. Cantrell was assigned to traffic court in his public capacity.
It is not uncommon for an assistant city attorney to work private cases in addition to their work for the city.
Cantrell ran unsuccessfully in 2009 for a seat on the Juvenille Court bench. He is the husband of current City Council District B candidate LaToya Cantrell.

Let me say here that, as is common with city lawyers, Cantrell was working as a private attorney when the joint-dropping took place. Still, this is not a good thing.Jason Cantrell
Questions Abound 
  • The obvious question is why? Why in the name of Cheech and Chong would a lawyer carry a joint on his person anyway? Keep the weed at home, bro.
  • Why not hide the stash in a suit coat pocket or a cigarette pack? Why some place where even the slightest possibility of something like this could happen?
  • Is Cantrell's phone ringing off the hook from pot heads all over New Orleans calling his number (pun intended) 24/7?
  • Where did he get his pot? 
  • Was it any good?
This is beyond stoopid and borders on dumbfuckery. What am I talkin' about? It is dumbfuckery.
Dumbass.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Want Attention from Your Boyfriend? Poison Him!

Best of Dumbass News



Vicki Jo
Vicki Jo Mills of McConnellsburg was feeling that her boyfriend, Thurman Nesbitt, was lax in his duties in doting over her. So, instead of new lingerie, perfume or hairdos, Vicki Jo, hatched a plan that would make Thomas notice her like she'd never been noticed before.

It has been my experience in life that men sometimes put other things in life ahead of their wives/girlfriends that leave the poor woman craving attention. To be fair, the things that men put first are worthy things like fishing, golf, likker, etc, but there's absolutely no excuse for neglecting your woman by means other than these. I am sensitive to a woman's needs that way.

Neglected wimmin often drop subtle little hints that you have not shown them enough attention lately. They'll put on a new perfume, get a new hairdo, buy sexy lingerie or try to poison you.

At least that's the way wimmin in Fulton County, Pennsylvania do things.

Neglected

She decided to poison him! Over a period of three years!

This certainly got Thurm's attention. It also got the attention of his doctor.

During three years of fluctuating blood pressure, vomiting and difficulty breathing, Ole Sawbones called in the Law. From abc27.com, "According to investigators with the Pennsylvania State Police, Vickie Jo Mills used Visine eye drops to poison her boyfriend, Thurman Nesbitt, at least 10 times since June of 2009.
State police got involved in the case in mid-July after Nesbitt's doctor contacted them. He had been treating Nesbitt for years for unexplained nausea and vomiting, elevating and dropping blood pressure, as well as difficulty breathing.
A test showed the main ingredient for eye drops, tetrahydrozoline, in Nebitt's blood. Troopers questioned Mills, who admitted to putting eye drops in Nesbitt's drinking water." 

If at First You Don't Succeed...

Vicki Jo has been charged with aggravated assault in the case, still she maintains that "she "never meant to kill" her boyfriend, but "only wanted him to pay more attention to her.". I agree with VJ here. poisoning your significant other at least ten times is a definite scream for attention - attention from law enforcement, the District Attorney and a hangin' judge.

Vicki Jo will also be a big hit in the PA Department of Corrections for Dumbass Wimmin's "Ain't She Got a Purty Ass" Division where Spike McGillacuddy forms a one Lezbean welcoming committee, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Calls for Attention

Men, if you notice any of the more common "pay attention to me or I'll cut off your gazebos or poison you" signs from your woman, do something immediately to ensure your own safety and happiness at home.

Tell the bitch to make you a sammich.

And get you a beer. Nothing says "I am paying attention to you" like that does.

And Vicki Jo? One word for you: batteries. Lots of batteries. You now have the attention you so are desperately craving.

Dumbass.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Nekkid Golfers, Mice-a-Roni & Dead Guy Dots The "I" at Ohio State

Mice-a-Roni
Best of Dumbass News
 
'Tis the Sabbath and it's gonna be a busy one here at the Dumbass Dome. Believe it or not, I am gonna do some gardening, indoors of course. For new readers, I live in Maine therefore November is not the best time to grow shit. Being the mule headed sumbitch I am, I like to try to do shit under adverse conditions just to see if I can make it work. I will make it work. Hence, gardening in November in Maine. I will prolly plant some cool weather stuff like lettuce. I would try to grow some warm weather crops, but my wife is a native Mainer and likes the house kept colder than a well digger's ass in January. Adios good stuff like tomatoes and peppers until spring time. Asi es la vida.

Here is some stuff that doesn't require heat, but it is loaded with fertilizer bullshit.
  • College Golf Team Poses for Nekkid Calendar - These dumbasses posed nekkid for the calendar, but they hid their gazebos with golf clubs. It's funny stuff, so it's worth the read just to see how many golfing metaphors I can use in lieu of cuss words.
  • Dead Guy Dots the Eye - This is a rather timely story, it being football season and all. This is the tale of a dead guy that pays his last respects to the Ohio State University by dotting the "i". Read it to see what I mean.
  • Mice-a-Roni! - Thank God this story wasn't about Hamburger Helper. 
That's a pretty good lineup for perusal during beer commercials for the NFL games being broadcast today, especially the "Dead Guy "I" dotter.

Here's something that I should do every day, but I am a Dumbass and for whatever reason(s),  just forget to do it. In the side bar to the right you'll find several buttons where you can follow me on several social media sites. Please do so! Don't forget that I am a 55 year old guy who has 9 and 4 year old daughters who need something new, like shoes, clothes and all that shit, every 10 minutes. Well...it seems like every 10 minutes. And Christmas isn't that far away. Having said that, also in right sidebar you'll see a "Donate" button. I know times are tough for so many dumbasses worried about their own families, but if you can donate a dollar or two (any amount is welcome), it would make a Middle Aged Dumbass very happy and grateful. I guess I could use the direct approach to this donation thing as well.  
 
Dumbass.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Lottery Winners Celebrate By Buying Pot & Meth; Also Blow Up House!


I some times think (dream?) of what I might do if I suddenly came into a large sum of money.

I'd like believe that I'd do some practical stuff before I went on a Dumbass Spending Spree. You know, like buy a house and some land and perhaps a new car or two. Since I am an Old Guy with two small children (girls 10 & 6), I would also open up a savings account for each of them to use towards a college education.

Then I'd go balls to the wall ape shit wasting money on cool shit. Like a new bass boat. Fish. Fear. Me.

And travel. I'd love to tour Mexico and Central America. I speak pretty fluent Spanish so this idea is certainly not far-fetched. Also, since I live only a few hours from Canada, I'd set off on a summer long tour of the second largest country in the world and her ten provinces and three territories.

The same can not be said for a pair of brothers (siblings, not black guys) in Kansas.

Hitting the Jackpot 

There are a couple of Dumbasses in Kansas who are brothers. Actually, there are thousands of Dumbasses in Kansas, many of them brothers, but I just want to focus on the two idiots relevant to today's story. Anyway, the Brothers recently won a large jackpot in the Kansas Lottery. Seventy-five large to be exact.

I can only assume that The Brothers did not have families. I say that because of what they did with their sudden windfall. Did they sock away some of their winnings for a rainy day? No. Did they make plans to travel the country? Nope. How about buy a new car or boat? No this time. "Well, Fearless Leader", you ask, what gives?"

Party Time! 

The Brothers did what millions of young, red-blooded American guys would do with seventy-five thousand dollars and a lot of time on their hands.

They rushed out and bought some meth and some pot! 

This is what many young people in Kansas do when presented at a moment's notice with a copious amount of cash. Especially in Manhattan and Lawrence. I can kind of understand why young folks would do shit like this. Have you ever been to Kansas? (I think I just blew any chance I had at being invited to a University of Kansas basketball game or a K-State football game all to hell by writing the previous few sentences. Rawk Tawk Jayhawk)

BOOM! 

Guess what else our newly rich Duo of Dumbasses did upon hitting the jackpot? They blew up their house!

One of the brothers went to the kitchen to refuel the butane torches they planned to use to light their bongs. He emptied a couple of large cans of butane lighter fluid, leaking butane into the air.
"The butane vapor reached the pilot light in the furnace, and as you might expect, ka-boom,” Wichita Police Sgt. Bruce Watts said at a press conference.
KFDL reports that the injured brother's girlfriend drove him to the hospital and then "sped off and has not been found."

I hope we can all learn a lesson from this story.

The lesson is: the next time you want to spark up your bong, use matches, not butane! If you do you use butane, do not do so near an open flame.

Dumbasses.

***Thanks to the HuffPo***

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

A New Dumbass Emeritus!

 
I rarely bestow Dumbass Honors upon the readers of Dumbass News. As a matter of fact, only once in the two and a half year history of this blog have I dumbassized a reader for her contributions not only to Dumbass News, but to Dumbassery as a whole. Her name is Alexandra Janelli, the Head WTFer at WTFWiFi.com. You can read about our first and only (until today) Dumbass Emeritus here.

There are times however when it's so blatantly obvious that a reader selflessly contributes to the "betterment" of this blog, and by "betterment" I of course mean the "defiling of the Human Soul", that as your Fearless Leader it is incumbent upon me to reward said reader with some well-deserved recognition.

On this day I, Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, hereby proclaim that Dumbass News Reader and Submitter Extraordinaire of Dumbassery of the Highest Order, Stoo, shall henceforth and for eternity be known as Dumbass Emeritus. 

Stoo, go forth and be plentiful. Or get neutered. Or something.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Blog Tag - Dumbass Questions & Answers For & From Your Fearless Leader


I have recently made some new Dumbass Blog Friends. They don't blog about Dumbasses, but they are Dumbasses who blog. You'll find them in the left side bar under "Dumbasses I Read". I cordially invite you to click on the links to their blogs and give them a read. They publish some quality material on their sites. And by "quality material" I mean that you won't feel an urgent need to projectile puke after reading it.

Most of the time.

Blog Tag

The above-mentioned Dumbasses are playing a game called Blog Tag. I have heard of this shit activity before, but I have never participated in it. To be truthful, I used to think that it was kinda stoopid, but after further consideration, I think it's actually a pretty damn good idea.

I changed my mind about Blog Tag because I figgered it would be a good way for not only my new Blog Friends to learn a little about me, but also an opportunity for the readers, old and new, of Dumbass News to get a better grip on their Fearless Leader.

There are some rules and shit I gotta follow, so here goes....

Rules & Shit


1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you.
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.


Fearless Leader
11 Random Dumbass Facts About Your Fearless Leader

  1. I am from Texas. I have been sent to Maine by Saint Jim Bob (Patron Saint of Rednecks) on a secret mission that, if divulged, would require me to mercilessly eliminate each and every one of you. 
  2. I am the father of four Dumbass offspring. Ages: 6, 10, 30 and 33. Yes, they are all my progeny except the 10 year old whom I am in the process of adopting. Oh yeah...the youngest are my little girls, the oldest are my sons.
  3. I am old enough to remember John F. Kennedy, black and white TV and Woodstock amongst other things.
  4. I am a Bad Ass Fisherman. Fish. Fear. Me.
  5. I am 19 years older than my wife.
  6. I met my wife in an AOL chat room, we became friends and things went from there. We have been together for 8 1/2 years and married for five. The 6 year old is a product of her bending over while doing the dishes one day.
  7. I was a radio DJ for 15 years. I was on the air in Texas, New Mexico and Colorado. My show was Number 1 in every market I worked in, Number 12 nationally at one time.
  8. I have also done some TV work. I co-hosted a weekly TV show.
  9. I have been to over 30 of the United States.
  10. I love to garden. There's only two things that money can't buy, and that's true love and homegrown tomatoes.
  11. Hook 'em Horns! University of Texas!
11 Questions for Me From Miss Four Eyes  

Do you think people should care more about each other’s bowel movements? Only if there are fewer than two bathrooms in the house.   
What is the one thing you are most afraid of? 
Heights.
What is the one thing that you wish you had never touched? 
That waitress at Denny's circa 1975. What do you sing in the shower?
Hank Williams, Jr. or Merle Haggard. I told you I was old. And from Texas.
How do you feel about Tom Cruise?
I don't.
Do you fart? Of course you do. Who do you blame it on?
I don't own a dog, so I blame the kids.
What would you do if you met Oprah?
I'd tell her that it's OK to come out of the closet. 
Name one food you’ve never tried and don’t want to.
Haggis. Sheep innards ain't high on my menu.
Burps. Loud or silent? 
I am a Redneck. LOUD!What species do you think will take over the world some day?
Oprah.Star Wars or Star Trek?
Star Trek. Gene Roddenberry was a Texan. Gotta go with my Home Boy.

Questions for the Next Tag-ee
  1. Baseball or football?
  2. Place you'd like to live other than where you live right now.
  3. Are you a nose picker?
  4. Would you rather be in politics or a have nasty case of the flu for two years?
  5. Taco Bell or McDonalds? 
  6. Would you rather spend summer in Texas or winter in Northern Canada?
  7. If you could go back in time, what would you change about your life?
  8. If you could write a new law, what would it be?
  9. Kids or pets? 
  10. Weirdest clothes you ever worn.
  11. Would you go streaking at a major public event for $10,000?
Tag! You're it!

Dumbass.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Walk-In at Wells Fargo! Bank Leaves Doors Unlocked After Closing!


Best of Dumbass News

Happy What-Would-Be Elvis' 76th Birthday, Dumbasses! It was also 37 years ago today that I attended my last day of high school. I, quite by accident mind you, had all my required courses completed so I decided "To hell with this". I partied for a couple of weeks (I was 18 and we could legally buy alcohol at the time) and then got a job. I was making $3.25 an hour, living at home. Dad paid all the bills and was on the road most of the time, so it was almost like having a bachelor pad of my own. All I had to pay for was my own beer and leave Dad's brew alone. Not a bad gig for an 18 year old. Oh, yeah! I also got to drive Dad's brand new 1974 Camaro LT. I just supplied the gas, which was less than 20 cents a gallon back then. If I had four dollars, I had a full tank of gas.

The Setup

We're barely a week into the new year and we're lining up 2012 Dumbass of the Year contenders like Charlie Sheen picking out hookers to share his nose candy with. Literally every day that I have written a new post, the dumbass in the story could be a DOTY nominee. Just take a look at the archives for January if you doubt me. That streak continues today with a story that I never imagined in my wildest dreams could actually happen. 

I hope you are sitting down. 

The Unexpected and the (Still) Unexplained

Wells Fargo. The company that bears that name has been a part of the United States banking system since 1852 and I'll bet you $10 that what I am about to tell you has never happened in the storied 160 year history of the firm.

On January 4, 2012, last Friday, the Wells Fargo Bank on Arena Blvd. in Sacramento, closed its doors at the end of the business day and the fine people who work there went home to enjoy the weekend with their families. Not unlike millions of other Americans. But that weekend would turn out to be a once-in-160 years event. After all the bank employees left for home, the last guy out at the Wells Fargo bank turned out the lights and he too, headed for the Ponderosa. Last Guy forgot one minor thing however. He forgot to lock the bank's door! How in the name of all that is Holy can Last Guy forget to lock the door of a branch of one of the largest banks in the world??? Good Gawd Almighty, y'all!

Last Guy is probably one of those neurotic dumbasses that locks his car doors (when he's washing it!), locks his front door when he's at home (in the day time!) and has a dead bolt on the bathroom door. Last Guy secures his house like Fort Knox, but can't remember to lock the door of a bank that has untold millions of dollars inside? What.The.Fuck.? Henry Wells and William Fargo (yes, that Wells and Fargo) are rolling over in their graves so fast, they sound like a couple of Japanese motorcycles doing 100 mph in 2nd gear. I mean dayum, dude.

OK 

I have a couple of thoughts on this situation. First, does Last Guy still have a job? If not, 7-11 is always hiring and they are open 24/7. This is a lucky break for Last Guy because a job at 7-11 ensures that he'll never have to worry about locking doors again! This is a good thing. Also at Siete-Once (<----a little Meskin lingo there), cash counting time will be a breeze. Instead of counting thousands pf dollars, he'll only have to count up to about 50 bucks. That's all 7-11 employees are allowed to have in the cash drawer. And unless a robber is a crack head, what self-respecting criminal would be happy with robbing a business of only 50 dollars? 

Speaking of crooks (<----clever segue), I bet there wasn't a bad guy within three billion light years of the Wells-Fargo bank that had a glimmer of a thought that the door on the place would be wide-ass open. Not that that would be a deterrent, Last Guy probably forgot to turn on the security system too.

Dumbass.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Assault By Cheez-Its! Critics Call for Snack Cracker Control!


Best of Dumbass News

During moments of temporary insanity or as we call it here on Dumbass News, dumbassery, people are inclined to do some pretty damn stoopid stuff, including assault. Assault with, shall we say unusual objects. We have covered many such incidents on these pages and each new one seems to be more bizarre than the one before it.

A few examples of Dumbasses Gone Wild (soon to be on DVD!) I have brought to the attention of Dumbasses around the world range from the lady who attacked a cop with a sex toy to the story of a one legged man assaulted by a Dumbass with a cucumber salad. I ain't makin' this shit up.

I ain't makin' the following shit up either.

Snack Attack

By "snack attack" I don't mean some dumbass smoked a fatty and went for the Cheetos like a pit bull on a t-bone. I mean he actually committed assault with a snack food! Cheez-Its to be precise.

Andy Gatz, the Dumbass Du Jour in Palm Bay, Florida, got quite upset with his wife. Why was Andy so pissed off at his beloved? She had the unmitigated gall to attend a concert celebrating Earth Day! While I think Earth Day is a Liberal Pussy Steaming Pile ©, getting so bent over such a stoopid thing is a bit over the line. Even for a Dumbass.

Good old Andy was so livid that he picked up a box of Cheez-Its and threw them at his spouse hitting her in the eye! Not only did the Cheez-Its smack the woman in the peeper, a small piece of one of the snack crackers lodged in her eye causing some sort of injury.

The lady was treated at a local Emergency Room and released.

This Ain't the First Time

Cheez-Its are a popular tool of the trade with Dumbass Criminals in Florida. Just last year in Jacksonville, a burglar who had busted into a Jax home was so proud of himself that he actually took a photo of himself holding a box of Cheez-Its signed by then Head Coach of the NFL Jacksonville Jaguars, Jack Del Rio, during the commission of his crime! He is now a Prison Bitch. Andy, too, will soon be a favorite "snack food" of Bruce "The Horse" Fenwick. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

My advice to Andy is that the next time he gets infuriated enough to go Nolan Ryan on his wife, heave something original at the poor chick. Something that will do some serious damage. Like a can of Campbell Soup.

Nacho Cheese flavor of course. It makes a nice lube for future "Share Your Snack Time" at  the Florida Department of Corrections' I Take It Up the Velveeta Boulevard Unit.

Dumbass.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Newest Cocaine Smuggling Device: Hair Weaves!

Best of Dumbass News

You are about to read about what could be the Co-Dumbasses of the Year, which would be a first in the history of the Dumbass of the Year Awards.

While it is still too way too early to make a call on the winner of the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award, the two idjits in this story are the leaders in the clubhouse as of today.

Creatively Stoopid

We have covered all kinds of smuggling here at Dumbass News, from the guy who smuggled cocaine in roasted chickens, a Playboy Bunny who smuggles Canadians into the USA to a guy who tried to sneak some illegal cockroaches into the country, but we have never and I mean never had the honor on reporting on a Dumbass who tried to smuggle cocaine into the United States in a hair weave!

Today, we have the good fortune of telling you of TWO Dumbasses who thought bringing contraband onto US soil in hair weaves was a good idea!

No matter how idiotic the scheme, you gotta give these two an A+ for creativity.

Doing a Boyfriend a Favor

From HuffPoThat's the hair-raising accusation that has Kiana Howell and Makeeba Graham tangled up in a criminal case. The two women were arrested early Sunday morning at JFK Airport in New York after their extra-tall hair weaves raised the suspicions of guards.
Howell and Graham had just arrived from the South American country of Guyana and caught the attention of officials when they started wigging out as they approached customs, the New York Post reported.
Officers started sniffing around and, upon closer inspection, discovered more than two pounds of cocaine woven into the two women's hairdos, according to The Smoking Gun.
Officials said Howell and Graham concealed the cocaine in form-fitting plastic bags on their scalps. Howell allegedly had 35.1 ounces of nose candy hidden under her hair weave, while Graham is accused of hiding 36.9 ounces beneath hers, UPI reported. 

Kiana Howell Makeeba Brown
Kiana, the bitch who looks like Flip Wilson, said, of course, that she had no idea what was in the packages, but she was just doin' a solid for her Guyanan boyfriend. And $7500. Yep. Not much says "I didn't know what was in there" like being paid seven and a half large for being the courier of a package with two pounds "unknown contents". On your fucking skull! Nothing suspicious there. Move along.

I shave my head so I have no hair up there, but I gotta a feeling that if I put on a wig that weighed two pounds, I just might say to myself, "Self, something is screwy here".

But that's just me.

Not Kiana and Makeeba. And by the way, who the hell in their right mind names their kid "Makeeba"? Oh, yeah. A coke head that's who.

Dumbasses.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Canine Plastic Surgery Eliminates Ugly Dogs! People Next!

Sorry the blog looks a bit odd today, but Blogger is acting weird. I have tried numerous ways and many times to rectify the problem to no avail. I'll dig a little deeper this weekend in order to alleviate the bullshit.
Thanks,
Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

I don't watch a helluva lot of TV. When I do partake of the evening's television broadcast entertainment, I tend to soak up the more cerebral fare. Like Duck Dynasty. Or Lizard Lick Towing. You know, the real heady stuff.

Mrs. Fearless Leader on the other hand is a wizard at watching the tube. Sometimes when she's watching TV, my attention is diverted by some I hear on the television. Recently as she was tuned in to some shit, I happened to notice the phrase "Westminster Dog Show" or something very similar. If you are not familiar with the Westminster Dog Show, it's like the Miss America pageant for dogs. You won't see Fido from the local animal shelter being paraded around during this competition. The canines in the WDS are worth thousands of dollars eachPure bred pooches with lineages that read like thoroughbred horses. Or the Kennedys. This thing is serious. fucking. bidness.

Which leads us to today's story.

Pretty Puppy

There's a dude in China who takes his dogs very seriously. He's a breeder of Tibetan Mastiffs. It is my understanding that Tibetan Mastiffs are very intelligent and equally as ferocious. TMs have also made the breeder, Mr. Yu, a very wealthy man.

Back to the Mr. Yu Seriousness Factor...Mr. Yu is of the thought that the better looking one of his dogs the more likely that potential customers will be to breed their Tibetan Mastiffs with his. This makes perfect sense.   
What sets Mr. Yu's Tibetan Mastiff Dog Humping Service and Bar & Grill apart from other bidnesses of similar ilk is the fact that Mr. Yu goes the extra mile in making his breeding animals more attractive to other China Guys looking to have their dogs knocked up by one of Mr.Y's animals. And does he do this? Doggy plastic surgery! You read that right, in order to make his dogs more appealing for doggy style activities, Mr. Yu puts 'em under the knife!

Dog Gone 

Mr Yu, told Chinese media he had hoped a 1,400 yuan (£140) session of plastic surgery would make the dog more attractive to other dog-owners looking for a breeding partner.

"If my dog looks better, female dog owners will pay a higher price when they want to mate their dog with mine,"

But the Tibetan Mastiff – a trophy dog among China's growing legion of nouveau riche – reportedly died on the operating table last November after suffering heart failure possibly linked to the anaesthetic.

What in the name of Rin Tin Tin is going on here?! 

No More Ugly People 

Mr. Yu has unwittingly come up with the Scientific Discovery of the Century! 

Do you not realize this amazing procedure will be the end of ugly people forever? Genetics be damned!

Think about it. Simple plastic surgery that makes ugly folks beautiful will result in a nation full of pretty people! To hell with all that DNA bullshit that until now was believed to have been responsible for children looking like their parents. Cosmetic surgery will eliminate ugly forever! We'll be a country full of Brad Pitts and Jessica Albas! No more Roseanne Barrs and Michael Moores!

Hooray!

Dumbasses.

***Thanks Stoo!***


Thursday, February 14, 2013

Dumbass Valentines Day Gift Ideas!


Happy Valentines Day, Dumbasses!

Tens of millions of you will be giving gifts to that Special Someone. And for all you Dumbasses, that Special Someone will be getting off the short bus later today or will be released from The Home for the Criminally Stupid on a day pass. Regardless, you'll want to shower them with gifts of chocolate, flowers and maybe even a night out at your favorite restaurant.

While all the gifts mentioned above are fine and dandy for Ordinary People, being a Dumbass means going the extra mile when it comes to gift-giving. And by "extra mile", I of course mean "leaving Mommy's basement" and buying a "unique" gift for your Dumbass Valentine. 

Valentines Day, Dumbass Style  

In order to find an appropriate Dumbass Valentines gift, you must think outside the box. The following gift suggestions are prime examples of thinking outside the box or in Dumbass parlance, being extremely drunk.

The Dumbasses at YourTango.com have come up with a gift list that will surely astonish even the most discerning of Valentines.


1. Pig's heart with a nail through it. Seriously? Yes, seriously. This is what Real World: Londonparticipant Neil received as a "gift" from his then girlfriend. Yummy? Pretty? Romantic? You decide.
2. Severed head. "Taking someone's head after killing them was a ritualistic part of life in the culture until the 1930s and suitors would present severed heads to potential partners to woo them or to brides to celebrate their marriage," according to archive material in the Royal Botanic Gardens at Kew. But the real question is what does one do with a severed head … put it on the wall? Say thank you and store it in fridge รก la Jeffrey Dahmer? Yes! (I think.)
3. Hissing cockroach. If you're stumped as to what get your great love, then the Bronx Zoo has the answer. HISSING COCKROACH. No! Not the actual thing, but naming your beloved after one of the thousands Madagascar hissing cockroaches after them. Nothing says romance like a cockroach … can I get a high-five on this one?
4. A massacre. On Valentine's Day 1929, Al Capone set out to murder everyone who was against him in Chicago, including the North Side Gang. While this may have been a stellar gift to himself, the outcry after the massacre resulted in the beginning of the end of Capone's reign. Takeaway? Valentines gift you give to yourself shouldn't just be all about you. Duh.
5. An STD. This one comes from semi-personal experience … no, no, not me! A few years ago a co-worker hooked up with her ex well after the fact. Since they used to have sex, she decided a condom wasn’t necessary. This was December. Although they didn’t speak again after that one incident, she did receive a card on Valentine's Day — messenger delivered, mind you — saying: "Congrats! I gave you herpes!" It was from the ex-boyfriend.
What Dumbass Valentine wouldn't love to receive something as cool as this stuff? Except for the STD thingy that is.
Now sally forth into the madness that is Valentines Day shopping! These gift ideas are guaranteed to please your sweetie pie! Or guaranteed to hasten a possibly bloody break up.
Dumbass.


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Wanna Be a Dumbass Star?

How would you like to be an Internet Sensation like Fearless Leader? It's real easy to do, I mean just look at Fearless Leader, he's a Dumbass. But! He's a Dumbass read by tens of thousands of Dumbasses in 156 countries (and counting!) around the World!

This Could Be You!
You'll have a built-in audience to see your works of Dumbassery and you'll become a member of an Exclusive Club as well! I don't know what the hell Exclusive Club that would be, but it's an Exclusive Club nonetheless.

Bottom line...I let Beef Blogonoff, the epitome of a Dumbass, write a Guest Post and it went over like gangbusters! And by "gangbusters", I mean a "green turd in a punch bowl", but, hey, the dude got a few hundred hits on the crap he wrote. So, if you, too, can write crap worthy of being on Dumbass News, do it!
Scribble something down, send it to me at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com and I'll review it, give you credit for your creation and let the World judge what kind of Dumbass writing skillz you possess.

No experience is necessary to prove to Dumbasses all over the planet that you have what it takes to be a Dumbass Internet Darling....like me.  :)

Vice Fearless Leadership Honors could be awarded, I just gotta think of some Honorary Titles to bestow upon the "lucky" Guest Posters.

Get your crayons out and start printing away, tracing the alphabet when you need to and putting them to pixels.

You could be the Next Dumbass Star!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Key West Guy Covers Self w/Ketchup In the Middle of Town to Protest Yankees!

We face a daunting dilemma in this country. The unemployment rate? No. Obamacare? Even worse.

"But Fearless Leader," you plead, "what could be worse than the clusterfuck that is Obamacare or such a high jobless count?"

Well, ya Dumbass, I'll tell you what kind of pickle the United States of America is in and the unnerving obstacle blocking our path that leads us back to the level of Freedom that our Founding Fathers envisioned for this country.

Tourism.

Yes, tourism.

Why Tourism?

Let me splain.

A Perfect Example

KEY WEST — The island just isn’t what it used to be.
The Key West Citizen reports that a  man who was covered in ketchup, sprawled in the middle of an Old Town  street and screaming profanities about tourists ruining his town was  arrested early Wednesday.
The 42-year-old homeless man was charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and misdemeanor resisting arrest.

See what I mean?

Look at the level of personal upheaval and inner turmoil, not to mention tomato ketchup, thrust upon this man, and possibly thousands more residents of Key West, simply because outsiders dare to visit and willingly spend ten millions of dollars each year in this island paradise. What. The. Fuck.

How dare tourists, the blight on mankind and the economy that they are, spend four bucks a gallon on gasoline to travel, often over 1000 miles, to Key West and while they are there spend another few grand on hotels, meals and "I Spent 5 Gs On This Trip to Key West and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt and An Up Close Look at Actual Hippie Pot Heads and Homos" t-shirts!

What's Wrong With the People of Key West?

I can tell you in one word what the problem with the residents of the Southernmost Point in the Continental United States is: Yankees.

There! I said it!

Yankees have re-kindled the War of Northern Aggression. In a very subtle way. Yankees have infiltrated Florida! Hundreds of thousands of Yankees have left behind crummy Yankee state economies and outrageously high tax rates, not to mention winters that last for six months, and fled to sunny, warm, formerly Yankee-free locales like The Sunshine State. Here's the kicker: once there, they try their dead level best to turn the place they immigrated to into a place like the hell hole that they left!

Yankees are sneaky like that.

It is for this reason that I believe the Ketchup Guy did what he did. It's just that the newspapers in Key West are too pussified to lay bare the Truth. You see, in their version of this story the word "tourist" is a code word for "Yankee", so it's not the real tourists who are ruining Key West, it's the Yankees! Amiright?

Moral of the Story

About forty years ago when Houston, Texas was in the middle of great economic prosperity, Yankees by the thousands moved to H-Town to escape Communist Regimes in places like Michigan. Houston had jobs and low taxes, Michigan had no jobs and high taxes. With this unprecedented influx of Northern Aggressors, Houston was forever transformed. Many Houstonians were not pleased.

Houston's then-Mayor, Louie Welch, summed up the feelings of his town's Native citizenry thusly: "Yankees are like hemorrhoids. If they come down and go back up, they're OK. But if they come down and stay, they're a pain in the ass."

This is what's happening in Key West and why some dipshit covered himself in ketchup and acted the fool. "Tourists" have invaded Paradise.

And in the case of Ketchup Guy, so have the Dumbasses.

***Hat Tip to Floridaduh.wordpress.com***


Monday, February 11, 2013

Video Added! Sad "Dumbass News": King of Streaking to Retire His Birthday Suit

It's a sad day in the World of Dumbassery.

The Most Prolific Streaker in the History of Nekkididity is retiring.

The Daily Mail has the nekkid truth.



Fare thee well.

Dumbass.

***Hat tip to @doubledittos on Twitter***

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Lady Fakes Home Invasion, Shoots Self - Twice!

Best of Dumbass News

I love Tennessee, God knows I do. It pains me to have to say, no matter how true it may be, that the Volunteer State has its share of Dumbasses. And I'm not just talking about the Dixie Chicks here either. There is, however, a Dixie Chick (a woman from the South, not the singing group) that fits the bill of being a Dumbass to a "T".

So many Southern women are the epitome of kindness, honesty, caring and decorum, but not all of them possess such Earthly qualities. That's where Joy Lounders comes in.

Home Invasion

Last Wednesday night, Joy was sitting alone in her home in Jefferson County, Tennessee minding her own damn bidness when the unthinkable happened. A gray haired man stormed into her house and began to violently assault her. Like any Southern woman worth her salt, Joy grabbed a pistol preparing to send the Bad Guy to His Reward. However, it didn't quite work out that way as Joy was shot twice, once in the leg and once in the shoulder. She was able to call the Cops who quickly arrived on the scene.

Joy lives in a nice, previously safe part of Jefferson County and the Police were dumbfounded that something like this horrible incident could occur in a such a neighborhood.

Why?

You wanna know why the Law was so shocked to see a crime of this type at Joy's house?

Because. It. Did. Not. Happen!

Yes! Joy made up the whole damn story! She told the Cops that a gray haired guy broke into her home, assaulted her and fled in a gray or silver SUV. Problem is, there was no bad guy, no crime and no SUV. Nothing.

That leaves us with the question: How in the world did Joy sustain these gun shot wounds then? Simple. She shot herself! I ain't makin' this shit up.

For whatever reason (the Police still don't know), the stoopid bitch fabricated the whole "home invasion" fairy tale then shot herself to make it look real. Just so you know, btw. Joy was taken to the hospital, treated and released. She's OK.

A Clue? 

According to WBIR-TV, after this whole fiasco was solved, Joy, Shooter of Self, is scheduled to turn herself in on previous DUI charges. Now, I think I know why Joy concocted such a wild tale in the first place.

Not only is she a Dumbass, she's a drunk, too! Whether or not the fake home invasion has anything to do with her DUI is purely speculation on my part. But! As a Former Professional Drinker, I can tell you that drunks do stoopid shit and it appears to me that Joy was seeking a little sympathy from the Jefferson County Justice System in regards to her DUI situation. That's just my opinion.

But there are other ways to show your remorse for driving while obliterated and possibly killing an innocent bystander or two.

From One Pro to Another

Judging by the facts in this case, I feel comfortable in saying that Joy has a drinking problem. And I don't mean, "I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem". Just call me Captain Obvious.

But, Joy, Joy, Joy...tsk, tsk. Faking one crime to get a little sympathy for another ain't the way to go, sweetheart. Shooting yourself in an effort to cover up your lie is so blase. There are other avenues you could have pursued in your cry for help. Allow me to enlighten you, Joy.
  • Offer to pork all the cops who responded to your bogus 9-1-1 call. The results would have been the same. You would still be going to jail and you would have been the only one to get screwed. Of your own doing of course.
  • At you DUI sentencing, ask the Judge to join you for Happy Hour, your treat, at The Dew Drop In. Oh, yeah, tell him you'll call a cab for a ride home later. And give him a hummer under the table. Maybe he'll go light on you.
  • Prepare yourself to be "invaded" in ways you have seen only in "Women Behind Bars"-type movies on Skinemax at Night. 
Cue '70s Porn Music.

Dumbass.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Texting: Dumbass Drug Dealers' Tool of Choice

Lookin' Out My Front Door
As I sit here writing this, a blizzard rages outside. Check out the photo at the right. I took it at 8:00AM EST. And just think we've only got about eight more hours of this! 

Damn, I miss Texas.

I have a confession to make. I am a Gizmo-holic. Yes, I have traveled the rough and treacherous technological road to Gizmo-holism. I love gizmos and gadgets. Desktop computers, laptop computers, iPads, GPS and all the cool little gizmo enhancers that go with them. I do not yet own all these electronic wonders. I will soon, though. Count on it.

I do have a problem, however, with cell phones. While in many instances cell phones prove to be life savers and just plain old handy. But, I do not like them very much. One of the most popular features of today's cell phones is the ability to text a friend or family member. I am still trying to figure out why you would text someone when right there in your greedy capitalist pig hand is a $500 cell phone - a cell phone hundreds of times more powerful than the first computers! A phone to me means a phone call! Fuck texting. Use the damn phone for what it is made for -  making phone calls! Do I have to teach you dumbasses everything? Good Gawd, y'all.

Now, having said all that shit, I have written a few posts on dumbasses with cell phones who end up, shall we say, fucked. To see what I mean look here and here, and you'll find dumbasses and their cell phones are not a particularly good combination. Well, guess what? I have come across another dumbass-with-a-cell-phone texting instead of making a phone call story. Go figger.

There's this chick named Amy who like millions of other Americans has a cell phone. And like millions of other Americans she texts her friends, family and business associates. Of course, by "business associates", I mean people to sell narcotics to. In a situation like this, texting is a real dumbfuck thing to do, but, being a mental midget, Amy texts her customers to meet her at Place A to pick up some stash. What Amy forgets is that if you text your "come buy drugs from me" message to the wrong number, the text is still there for the receiving party to read. A text of this nature in the "wrong" hands could be bad news for Amy. And it was. She sent her text meassage to a cop! Well, the cop's face lit up like a fat kid at Chuck E. Cheese when he saw the text. Long story short, Amy got busted and now shares a cell (<--- I made a funny) at the State Hilton with Marlene "Butch" Abernathy, the 3 Time defending Toughest Lesbian in the State Hilton award winner. Amy can look forward to fun and games with the other "girls" and probably write a book and go on Dr. Phil and become a millionaire ex-con bimbo. or a Cinemax at Night soft porn star recounting her days as a sex toy to a 6'3" Lesbian in State Prison. Sick ain't it?

I am jealous.

Dumbass.
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