Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: March 2013 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, March 31, 2013

How Dumbasses "Celebrate" Easter!

Here's a Dumbass Easter Story I wrote just after Easter Sunday last year.

Christians and Jews, just a couple of days ago, celebrated the Holiest Days of the Year in their respective religions - Easter for the followers of Jesus and the Passover for the celebrants of Judaism. Of course, remembering the triumph of God over sin reflects only the religious side of the Easter/Passover story.

To many people these days, Easter is simply a day for the kids to dress up in their Sunday-Go-To-Meetin' finery, even if they don't go to Sunday Meetin', and hunting all the colorful eggs left behind by chickens who were raised on LSD or some really good 'shrooms. But, I digress.

Briefly Personal

I must confess, no Catholic pun intended, that I have never met The Messiah face to face. I've never met Jesus either, although I do recognize Him as the Son of Man and the Founder of the Church that we know today as the Catholic Church. However, I am not here to do a post on my (or your) religious beliefs.

I am here to show you how some "Christians" choose to "celebrate" these Holiest of Days.

Take this family in Memphis, Tennessee. Please!!!

Mayhem in the Blues City 

Like millions of Christians worldwide, Annette Pearson was celebrating the holiday with some guests, another family. Annette had carefully hidden Easter eggs around her yard to be just difficult enough to find that the children present would be a bit challenged to find them. So far, so good.

But! You just knew that a big ass BUT! was about to rear its ugly head. This is, after all, Dumbass
News! 

One of the eggs that Annette had hidden was a "Grand Prize Golden Egg!" In it was $7! Seven dollars!? Are you kiddin' me? A young crack head in Memphis can't even buy a decent-size rock for seven bucks. seven big ones was evidently some serious cheese to one of Annette's Easter guests from the other family, as he rather vociferously objected to what he thought was Annette helping her own kids to locate the Grand Prize Golden Egg with the $7 in it. This dumbass got so mad that the slapped Annette upside the head! Not just once, but twice!

This is when the real fun started.

What Would Jesus Do?

WWJD is  not a question that entered Annette's freshly slapped head. Upon being assaulted over a $7 Grand Prize Golden Egg, she went inside her house and grabbed $25 Balck & Decker Claw Hammer.

The dumbass that smacked Annette on her skull soon found out that it didn't matter what Jesus would do, it only mattered that Annette clobbered him upside his own head with the claw end of the hammer! The man was now bleeding like a stuck pig headed for the rotisserie at a Memphis BBQ Joint.

Did I note that the other family soon joined in on the brawl? They did. More mayhem ensued. Assholes, elbows and ball peen hammers were everywhere! No mention of the $25 B & D Claw Hammer at this point. There is a mention of the arrival of the Memphis Police Department, however.

Sadly, the dumbass who wailed away on Annette's noggin was not arrested, but his wound did require four staples to close. Annette, on the other hand, was hauled off for $25 Black & Decker Claw Hammer Assault and is now enjoying the hospitality of the Shelby County Inmate Easter Club, headed up by janet Reno lookalike inmate, Julie "Spike" Snodgrass.

Happy Easter, Annette!

Dumbass.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Lady Messes w/Python; Python Latches on to Dumbass Lady's Face!

Best of Dumbass News

The People's Republic of Madison is a very nice city. That is if you could chase off the Liberal weenies and Liberal weenie college kids at the University of Wisconsin who live there. Liberal weenie-ism, and by definition dumbassery, is a way of life in Madtown and today's story will show you just what kind of dumbass occupies this lovely burg.

Book Club Meeting 

A 31 year old woman, whose name is not mentioned in my source story, was attending a book club meeting recently when she got a little bit more than a review and nice discussion on the book in question, Communism for Dummies. Other than the book, there was something else at the meeting that caught the lady's eye. A 4-foot long ball python. 


The snake was in an aquarium at the meeting place, the lady noticed it and thought "Oh, boy!. There's a 4-foot long ball python in that aquarium! Why don't I take it out of there!" So she did. She shouldn't have. Supposedly this dumbass bimbo had experience in handling snakes, but based on what happened next, I ain't so sure. I think maybe her experience with serpents was limited to a man's nether regions and rubber snakes used as props in her stripper routine. OK, I'm busted. I made up that last part about men's you-know-whats and stripping, although it sounds plausible to me.

The python took exception to being removed from its cozy little domicile and promptly bit the dumbass lady in the face! To my knowledge, once a python has a grip on something, it's not in any hurry to let go of it and this snake was no different than any other python. He latched on and had to be "persuaded" to let go. And by "persuaded" I mean shot with a Clint Eastwood size pistol. You caught me again. I made up the bit about the Clint Eastwood pistol. I did not, however, make up the part about the snake remaining attached to the broad's face. He was quite content. Did I tell you that pythons, even though not venomous, have teeth? They do. Lots of them. That's how they hold on to their prey until they can squeeze it until it's a lifeless lump. The dumbass lady wasn't hurt too bad and the snake's owner was able to remove it from the nosy dame's face.

Lesson Learned

One thing that came to mind upon reading this story was, why did the dumbass have to mess with the snake in the first place? But then again I don't like snakes, so it's a foreign concept to me. Also, if she had experience in handling snakes, how could she let it get within striking distance of her face? It may be just me, but if I'm holding a 4-foot snake of any kind, I am protecting two things (three, depending on how you count 'em): my face and my gazebos. After 55 years, I have grown quite fond of the two (three?) of them.

As I said, the lady wasn't seriously injured, but I am concerned about the health of the python. That broad could have been infected with some kind of livestock disease. Have you ever seen the corn-fed Liberal weenie women, especially the ones who go to book club meetings, in Madison? I have. In the mid-80s. And I haven't been back to town since. I'm just sayin'.

Dumbasses.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Dumbass Kiwi Blows 3 Times Legal DUI Limit, Pees on Breathalyzer

Best of Dumbass News

At last count, Dumbass News was being read by idiots nice folks in 157 countries around the globe. A few hundred of our fellow Dumbasses reside in New Zealand. I don't remember if we have ever had a story about a Kiwi Dumbass before or not.

So now, New Zealand, it's your turn in the spotlight because our Dumbass today is one of your own!

You can thank me for shining the disinfectant of sunlight upon the dregs of your civil society later.

Drunk Driving

On the surface this story appears to be a fairly routine drunk driving story. But if you dig a little deeper, you get the details that qualify this tale as a bit, shall we say, "unique"? No we shall not say "unique", we shall say stoopid as fuck.

Not only did the Dumbass in Question, 26 year old Ryan Scott Thompson of Christchurch, get wasted and drive an automobile, he drove said automobile into an old woman's house scaring the poor lady out of her wits. Luckily there were some neighbors who witnessed the accident and were able to come to the aid of the Little Old Lady and subdue the suspect until the cops got to the scene.
The New Zealand Herald picks up the story from there, "Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into Dawn Sanders' living room where she had been sitting moments earlier just after 10pm on July 23.

He pleaded guilty to all charges at his first appearance in the district court and was fined and ordered to pay $1500 in "emotional harm" reparation to Mrs Sanders
Neighbours who rushed to Mrs Sanders' aid detained the grossly intoxicated but uninjured Thompson until police arrived.
Police said he was unable to walk unaided or coherently answer questions.

After Thompson recorded a breath-alcohol reading of 1137mcg/L (Ed.- which means "drunk as fuck" in the American version) at the police station, a police officer was completing paperwork when he heard the sound of running water, according to the summary of facts."

That sound of running water? Thompson was caught pissing on the breathalyzer tubes at the police station! Now, to my way of thinking, taking a leak anywhere but in the Toilet at the Cop Shop precludes any claim of innocence or police misconduct. In other words, you have been busted, Dumbass! The Herald adds, "The 301 contaminated tubes had to be destroyed. (Ed.- Ya think?!)

Thompson admitted drinking and driving but was unable to offer any explanation. He was taken to Christchurch for detoxification.
Judge Graham Hubble disqualified Thompson from driving for nine months on the excess breath-alcohol charge and a concurrent three months on the careless use count.
He was fined $200 for wilful damage."

Questions and Comments Abound
  • "Disqualified from driving" for nine months? WTF? The guy blew a "drunk as fuck" on the Breathalyzer for Christchurch's sake! He ought to be disqualified from doing anything but nine months of Kiwi Prison Bitchery. In a homo prison.
  • Aside form the fact that the Dumbass crashed into a house, the dude nearly killed a Little Old Lady in the process, and he gets fined $1500? You're kidding, right, Judge Hubble? Right?
  • The Kiwis ain't nearly as Bad Ass as the Aussies. 
  • The "sound of running water" is too fucking funny.
  • Pissin' on the Drunk Detectors is also too fucking funny.
So, my dear Kiwi Dumbasses, you may now bask in your moment of glory. You have officially made it to Big Time when you have made it to Dumbass News. And when I say "Big Time" I mean you have hit rock bottom.

For your self-esteem and emotional well-being (and the fact that Judge Hubble still has a job) you should do your penance by donating a large sum of money through the PayPal Donate Button in the right sidebar to Dumbass News. I'll fly down and have a nice long talk with Judge Hubble. Over a couple of beers of course.

I know it would make me feel better. And "drunk as fuck".

Dumbasses.

Daylight Savings Time: The Shocking Truth!

Happy Good Friday!

I am taking the day off from blogging, but I came up with a post I wrote last year about this (Daylight Savings) time, so it's still kinda topical. I hope you enjoy it. 

Adios,
Toby
Fearless Leader

Before we get into the meat of today's Dumbass post, I must pass on a (cue fanfare and Professional Radio Announcer Voice) Dumbass Public Service Announcement! I hope you Dumbasses in the United States remembered to "spring forward" by setting your clocks and watches forward an hour for Daylight Savings Time. 48 1/2 states observe DST. Parts of Indiana and all of Arizona do not take place in this annual event (unless things have recently changed), making it much harder for the dumbasses of those states to figure out when their favorite reality show comes on TV. But, hey, that's part of being a Dumbass. DST runs into November which means Americans have to endure one less hour of the Obama presidency. But that's a subject for another day. I bring it only to give hope to all US citizens and illegal aliens that the end of the Great Experiment in Socialism in our beloved Republic is nigh.

WTF is DST?

I ain't sure. I just know that the sun comes up and goes down later than normal. During Plain Old Dumbass News, the sun comes up really early here in Maine. It looks like High Noon at 5 AM. It takes some time to get used to. With DST in effect, we have to wait til 6 AM! In addition, it doesn't get completely dark until close to 10 PM! I must say though, that this allows me many hours of decimating the fish population of the Pine Tree State. Fish.Fear.Me.
Spring Forward
Time, or POT as we call it on

As far as Daylight Savings Times goes, it doesn't really "save" any daylight. So why don't they call it "The Sun Comes Up and Sets Later Time". Dumbasses. I have neither time nor the inclination to go into the whole DST Thing in this post, so I'll refer you to this info from Wikipedia.

The Shocking Truth!

According to some dumbass shit I found in a "Bing" search (Google is Evil; not that Microsoft is much better) Daylight Savings Times is all about money! Big Oil is the main culprit although there are other conspirators as well. Personally, I blame George W. Bush, Evil Oil Man and Bloodthirsty Hater of Minorities. But that's just me. Read this bullshit and come to your own conclusions. This stuff sounds like it came straight from the Democrat National Committee. But, it tells the Shocking Truth! And that's what Dumbass News is all about- the Shocking Truth! 


Back to Bed

All I know about DST is that I lost an hour's sleep last night. This is not good. My wife has been sick with various forms of a cold, the flu and now bronchitis and a double ear infection. That means that for a few weeks that I have been Mom and Dad to two young children. What's the big deal? I am 55 years old. My 9 year old is a great kid, except for when she gets sneaky about stuff. That's to be expected though. She's just a growing young lady finding her boundaries. But my 5 year, that's another story. She's like a West Texas Tornado destroying everything in her path. The kid is a one girl wrecking crew. Thankfully, there have been no deaths associated with this phenomenon.

Now that I know the Shocking Truth, I can sleep in peace. And expect the sun to rise at 5 AM instead of 4 AM. Oh the joy. Wait! The Texas Tornado wakes up about an hour before the sun comes up! I am a dead man.

But at least I know the Shocking Truth.

Dumbasses.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Yale U: "Hey! Let's Spend $385,000 of Taxpayer Money Studying Duck Ding Dongs!"

Disclaimer: I am not an economist. I am a Dumbass.

Having said that, being a Dumbass does not mean one is stoopid. On the other hand, being a Dumbass doesn't necessarily preclude one from being stoopid. Unless of course one is speaking of the Federal Gubmint. But I digress.

Back to the economist thing...I am not formally trained in the field of economics. I am, however, well versed in the field of poverty. For example, I have a budget of "x" number of dollars each month. I gotta make do with "x" number of greenbacks or face the consequences. If I only have "x" dollars to work with, but I actually spend "x + 1" dollars, I have Officially Gone Into Debt. This is not a good thing. Since I have gone over my budget by a dollar, I have to either work to make a dollar to replace it or I have to cut back by a dollar on something else.

Pretty easy to understand, right?

Not if you are the Gubmint of the United States of America.

Let me splain.

Economy in the Crapper

I am not alone in not being a learned economist. There are at least 535 others just like me. And they all walk the Halls of Congress in Washington, DC. These men and women, elected by the people of our Representative Republic, have put this country in debt by over sixteen trillion dollars. 
This is what $16 trillion looks like:

That's quite a stunning visual aid, ain't it?

Lift Toilet Lid, Flush Money  

We could sit here all day and all night arguing about where to make cuts to the Federal Budget. There's enough fraud, waste and pork to go around for all of us. But! There is one place I'm sure we can all agree on that goes beyond the pale, even for the U S Gubmint: the Study of Duck Dicks.

Yep, duck weenies.

The Gubmint of the United States actually paid almost $385,000 to Yale University to study various aspects of duck penises. Here's some of the actual text from The Duck Ding Dong Study grant: “The project examines how reproductive morphology covaries with season, age, and social environment in a diverse sample of duck species that differ in ecology, territoriality and breeding system.”  That's fancy schmancy Snooty Ivy League School Talk for, "Hey, fellas! You know how we can spend $385,000 of taxpayer money and have fun at the same time? By "researching" duck dicks!" 

If you think I am drunk and/or making this shit up, see for yourself at recovery.gov. <-----see that? (.gov) That means that this web site is run by the very people who voted to grant $385,000 to one of the most prestigious universities in the world to play with duck dongs! Talk about your Duck Dynasty!

Oddly enough, this is not our first foray into feathered friends foolishness. In one of our earliest Dumbass News stories, a Fwench guy was caught feeding marijuana to the ducks on his farm. In that story there was not one mention of Gus the Duck and Pot Guy getting his ducks stoned so he could take a close look at their peckers. 

Perhaps Gus should apply for a job at Yale.

Or the United States Gubmint.

Dumbasses.

***For Other Exciting Ways the Gubmint spends YOUR money, here's a list of mind blowing ways your taxes get flushed from The Political Commentator***

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Flaming Snake Burns Down Two Houses!

Note to New Dumbasses: There's not much we won't cover here at Dumbass News. Dumbasses of any shape, size, color, nationality, sexual persuasion or gender will be vilified to the High Heavens, provided of course that vilification is necessary to the plot.

The only off limits topics will be the Dumbassification of my Mother, the Pope and My Favorite Protestant, the Reverend Billy Graham.

Your mother? Fair game. The Dolly Llama? In the Dumbass Cross Hairs. The "Reverends" Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton? Screw 'em.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way...

Hot Stuff

Today's story has a familiar ring to it - Dumbasses and fire.

We have, on several occasions, brought to your attention incidents where the interaction of Dumbasses with open flames have been met with, shall we say, unpleasantness. No, we shall not. We shall say "disaster".

Remember the guy who set a parade float aflame?

How about the couple that went ape shit and attacked a car with a flaming tampon!

Then there's the one where the guy was trying to get rid of a nest of spiders with a blowtorch! He got rid of the spiders alright. He also got rid of his house. This story is a perfect segue into the Dumbassery that lies ahead....

The Snake and the Dumbass

A Lady Dumbass down in Liberty Eylau, Texas was doing a little spring cleaning around her property when she made a startling discovery - a snake! Running across a snake while living in rural Texas happens all the time. What makes this story so unusual is how the Lady Dumbass reacted to the situation.

When all the sudden coming face to face with a snake, most Texans I know would do one of two things:
  1. Grab a shovel, garden hoe or some other equally lethal farming implement, and beat the scaly serpent repeatedly until he was graveyard dead.
  2. The more commonly used method in dealing with a venomous viper is utilize something along the lines of a 12 gauge shotgun and blast that motherfucker to smithereens.
Then there's the Dumbass Way.

Gasoline and a match.

Yes, the Lady Dumbass went Full Tilt Boogie Dumb Fuck and poured 87 octane gasoline on the snake and then pitched a match on it. While this would ordinarily be a very effective, if not stoopid, method of sending an unwanted snake to his Maker,  a snake that has been turned into a writhing mass of flame tends to be what many would say is "unpredictable". Many would be correct.

This particular Snake Flambe headed straight for some underbrush.

The Scientific Method clearly states that "a snake that has been set afire by a Lady Dumbass will, proportional to the level of pain while burning like a marshmallow over a camp fire, seek refuge in the nearest pile of dry kindling". This is what is known as "starting a brush fire". And a house fire. Make that two house fires. A neighboring home was also damaged in the conflagration.

Liberty Eylau Fire Chief David Wesslehoft said (I swear in the Name of All That is Holy I ain't makin' this up) that "it's not unusual for burning animals to start a fire."

I have nothing further to add.

#HeadDesk

Dumbass.

***Image from okcfox.com***

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Military Meatballs Mean Mayhem for Maid!

The Gubmint of the United States of America is a big bidness. And like thousands of other bidnesses around the country, they contract out many services to non-gubmintal entities. For instance, it is not uncommon for a company to contract out for janitorial and cleaning services. In one of the few things it does right, the Federal Gubmint does exactly that, outsources jobs that are better served by private bidnesses.

Cadets at West Point
An example of this job outsourcing is evident at the United States Military Academy at West Point, New York.

One of the many non-gubmintal entities employed by The Academy is a company named Watson Services. Watson provides, among other things, food services at West Point.

Enter The Meatballs

Estelle Casimir has been employed by Watson Services for 28 years, by all accounts a loyal and productive employee.

Until she came across The Meatballs.

You see, Estelle's primary responsibilities at West Point lie in the Housekeeping Department. In the Housekeeping Department there are no specified duties in the Official Watson Services Housekeeping Department Employee Manual relating to meatballs.

As you may have surmised by now, The Meatballs play a large role in today's story.

It was a normal day the day that The Meatballs came into Estelle Casimir's life. That day ceased to be normal the moment West Point Authorities found Estelle in an area on campus that did not relate to her duties as a housekeeper. This does not bode well for Estelle. But wait! Things are about to take a dramatic turn.

Not only was Estelle in area that had nothing to do with her work assignment, she was found to be in possession of The Meatballs! Normally, this would not be such a big deal, but it is alleged that Estelle stole The Meatballs from the campus Mess Hall! Again seemingly no biggie. Reprimand or terminate the offender. Right?

Wrong

These were no run of the mill meatballs. These meatballs were Property of the United States Army, hence, Property of the United States Gubmint! Stealing something from the Gubmint of the United States of America is a very large no-no. Unless of course you are an Elected Official, then you have carte blanche to steal away, meatballs included.

To be fair, Estelle denies any wrongdoing in this matter, but the Federal Gubmint stands by its assertions. Nonetheless, Estelle Casimir faces a $1000 fine and/or a year in a Federal Stockade!

She's been suspended from her position at Watson Services and has been unsuccessfully looking for housekeeping work.

And more meatballs.

Dumbass.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Happy Hour: $102,000 Hooch Goes Down the Gullet

Once upon a time Fearless Leader was a Professional Drinker. As with all good things, this, too, came to an end.

Since You Asked 
  • No I did not waste my time on 12 Step Program.
  • I went through a One Step Program. 
  • Cold Turkey.
  • Over 3 years ago.
  • I was not an alcoholic.
  • Alcoholics go to meetings.
  • I was a Drunk.
  • No meetings required.
  • Mrs. Fearless Leader threatened to throw me out on my sorry ass if I didn't stop boozin'.
  • She meant it.
  • That was my One Step Program.
  • No. Alcohol has not crossed my lips since then.
  • Amen.
Why?

Now, "why", you must be asking yourself, "would Fearless Leader give us a glimpse into a very private and personal part of his life?"

In spite of my best efforts to leave some kind of "I'm Not an Alcoholic, I'm a 'Drunk' Legacy", all I left behind was a million or two empty beer bottles, a not uneasy task, but nonetheless not nearly as historic as what a guy in Pennsylvania accomplished.

Here is the story of John W. Saunders, mansion caretaker, and The Case(s) of Missing Whiskey:
The mystery of the missing whiskey has all the elements of a page-turner: a beautiful estate, a century in time, a thirsty thief and a bit of DNA on the lip of a bottle.

The story began to unfold in 2012, when Patricia Hill of New York bought a turn-of-the-century mansion in Scottdale built by J.P. Brennan, a coal and coke industrialist. During an $800,000 renovation to convert it into South Broadway Manor Bed and Breakfast, Hill discovered hidden in the walls and stairwell nine cases of Old Farm Pure Rye Whiskey bottled in 1912 at the West Overton Distilling Co. in nearby West Overton.

“My guess is that Mr. Brennan ordered 10 cases … pre-Prohibition,” Hill said. “I was told by his family that family members used to greet him at the door each day with a shot of whiskey.”

The live-in caretaker, 62-year-old John W. Saunders of Irwin, helped Hill move and dust off the whiskey several times.

One day, Hill found there was little left to dust.

Whiskey Bent & Hell Bound 

There was "little left to dust" because over a period of time John W. Saunders saw fit to consume fifty-two bottles of the Old Farm. Keep in mind that this whiskey was bottled between 1912 and 1917, before the 18th Amendment to the United States Constitution went into effect. When you think of the Good Ole 18th, think Prohibition. In other words, this was some Historical Hooch. About $102,000 worth of Historical Hooch.

Upon being confronted about this Whiskey-a-Go-Go, John W. said (I swear I am not making this up) that the hooch probably evaporated and that because it was old, it was "probably no good." What. The. Fuck. "Hundred year old whiskey ain't worth a shit" said No. One. Ever! 

This statement, and the matter of his DNA being found on some of the whiskey bottles,was John W.'s undoing. Once the Police stopped laughing, about a week later, John W. Saunders was arrested and charged. He must now navigate the legal system and hope for the best. And by "hope for the best" I of course mean "pray like hell that he won't spend a good portion of the rest of Natural Born Days as an anal pin cushion" for guys named Shagnasty and Pumpkin, IYKWIMAITYD.

Dumbass.

***Image from triblive.com***

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Lady Aims to Blast Skunk; Shoots Aggie Husband Instead

Best of Dumbass News 

Boy hidee, I gotta tell you that we are loaded with Dumbasses today, folks. And when I say "loaded", I mean loaded as in a gun.

And it's funny you should ask, because this story revolves (pun intended) around a firearm. So, let's take aim at the Dumbasses in our story.

Where

Aggie Veterinarian Shirt
Where: College Station, Texas, home of Texas A & M University and the Aggie Nation. For those of you around the country, or the world for that matter, Aggies are a "special" breed of Texan. And by "special" I mean Natural Born Dumbasses. In Texas, we make fun of Aggies the way people in the Northeast make fun of the Irish or Polish or any other ethnic group. If you know a good Irish/Polish/Ethnic joke, simply insert the word "Aggie" for "Irish" or "Polish" or any ethnicity and you'll have the definition of an Aggie.

For example: How many Irish/Polish/Ethnic Group/Aggies does it take to get dinner? The answer is two (2). One to watch out for traffic.

See what I mean? That's an Aggie for you.

What

WARNING!
A skunk.

Who

A Dumbass and his wife, co-starring a pistol.

The Problem

It seems as if this innocent skunk had wandered into the Dumbass's yard one night. So, he comes up with this Great Plan to Eradicate the Skunk Once and for All. This GPTETSOAFA would involve a pistola. Let inject here the fact that Texans are rather proud of their firearms and their ability to use them as needed. This includes shooting spouses who are Dumbasses.

Let me splain.

I told you that the skunk was in the guy's yard and he (The Guy, not the skunk) says, "Honey! There's a skunk in the yard! Let's go blast that little bastard to Kingdom Come!" The wife agrees. So she grabs a gun and outside they head searching for their unsuspecting prey. Skunks are unsuspecting because they are stoopid. But if you had a weapon like the spray a skunk can lay on you, you'd be unsuspecting too. But I digress.

Outside the couple goes and within a few seconds they spot the intruder, the skunk. Here's where a shitload of Dumbassery comes into play. For some reason, the Dumbass is gonna let his wife shoot the skunk rather than do it himself. Why, I don't know, but I do know that that is a decision that he will regret for the rest of his life. If he lives.

Aim This Way, Sweetie!

Aggie/Irish/Polish/Ethnic Group Pistol
The Dumbass goes on the opposite side of the skunk from the lady with a loaded gun! "Just squeeze the trigger, Sugar Puss". So, Sugar Puss takes careful aim at her quarry, waits for just the right second and BAM! That's when the Dumbass felt a burning sensation in his belly. The burning sensation of a .45 calibre bullet!

The skunk got away. The guy hit the ground with a bullet in his gut.

I smell questions coming up here.

Questions
  • Why did he think that shooting a skunk was the way to get it rid of it? At a safe distance, (a skunk can spray from 7 to 15 feet, so 16 feet from the bidness end of the skunk is considered a safe distance) simply go outside, make a shit load of obnoxious noise, like the Aggie War Hymn, and the little stinker will haul ass outta there like somebody stuck a Roman Candle up his ass. ***I will caution you at this point, that stuffing a Roman candle up a skunk's ass is not a highly recommended activity. Loud noise will do just fine.***
  • Even though the Dumbass in Question is an Aggie, he should have known that standing in front of the business end of a .45 is not a good idea. Why would he do this?
  • Further exacerbating the situation is his encouraging the lady to shoot the skunk while he is in the line of fire. This, too, is highly suspect, if not deadly, behavior. Why would he do this?
  • After being struck in the abdomen by a large calibre handgun bullet, will this Aggie guy live long enough to learn a lesson from his Dumbassery?
  • Let's hope so.
  • Did this moron not realize that a dead skunk stinks just as bad as a live one can when provoked? That smell doesn't just dry up because the furry little fuck has assumed room temperature.
  • Who amongst us is stoopid enough to pick up a dead skunk and move it elsewhere? 
  • Not me.
There are probably another hundred or so questions that could be asked at this time, but I think we have covered the basics.

So there you have it, Dumbass Horde. The shallow end of the gene pool has reared its ugly head yet again and man faces death by Dumbassery. I just hope the guy recovers from his wounds......so we can make up Aggie jokes about him.

Now you know what an Aggie is. It's just another word for ...

...Dumbass.

***Hat tip to Dumbass Matt Vaughn***

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Dumbasses - Again

Best of Dumbass News

Redneck Bottle Rocket
What is a Redneck? A Redneck is a hard-working harder livin', God-fearing, take no shit and will kill a sonuvabitch that presents a clear and present danger to him or his family kind of a man. A Redneck is a man who will help his neighbor because it's the right thing to do, not because some Yankee Liberal dickweed from the Gubmint forced him to do so.  Rednecks love music and often have a little band that plays places like the VFW on weekends. He loves Lynyrd Skynyrd, Hank Williams, Jr, Willie and Waylon and George Jones. Regardless of what some guy whose closest encounter with the South is bucket of chicken from the Colonel, not all Rednecks are stoopid. Or dumbasses. The great majority of us are pretty good people. That's the short version of what a Redneck is. I am a Redneck. I am proud to be a Redneck and anybody that doesn't like Rednecks can kiss my Redneck ass. Now we can get to today's story. Provided of course that you didn't kiss my ass and split the scene.  :)

However, Some Rednecks ARE Stoopid 

There are dumbasses in every segment and ethnicity of the American people. I am sad to say it, but that includes Rednecks. But a Dumbass Redneck is a higher quality of Redneck than any segment of the other Dumbasses in our society. It's in the Bible, I think. Look under St. Jim Bob, Ch1, Vs1. Rednecks like Mark Wach of Palm City, Florida are the kinds of Rednecks that give the rest of us a bad name. Why?

Why 

Mark was, as we Rednecks say, drunk. In his state of intoxication, Mark was having a nice, normal bit of Redneck Fun by blasting away with his firearms. Shooting a gun while drunk is against all that a normal Redneck believes in, therefore Mark is in serious danger of losing his Redneck Card and being forced to un-learn the Top Secret Redneck Handshake. If he can't un-learn it, then we'll just kill him. Anyway...Mark was firing off a few rounds on his property when he and his son got into an altercation. The son was all out of whack not simply because Mark was shooting his guns, the son was pissed because Mark was shooting the son's lawn mower which was in the son's yard. Where I'm from, we call this Wednesday. As usual, the cops showed up and spoiled the fun. Mark was quick to point out to the fuzz that "this is what Redneck people do." This is true. But 99% of the time, we did stuff like this before we got bombed. After we got lit up real good, we would move on to much safer Redneck activities. Stuff like playing horse shoes. With the horse shoes still on the horse! Those were mighty good times. Except for the horses.

Why, Mark? 

I do not endorse or condone using a firearm while drunk. That is completely unacceptable at any time. Aside from that minor detail, Mark and his son, I think his name is Bobby Bob, were doing nothing more than having a good old Redneck Hootnanny. However, Mark did some stoopid shit and it gives all Rednecks a bad name.

Here's some brother to brother, man to man, Redneck to Redneck advice: next time you want to get to' down, put the weapons away! Play horse shoes. But make sure the horse is cool with it first. Trust me on this one.

Dumbass.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Tip for Removing Wedding Rings: Glock 9mm

Have you ever had trouble removing a ring from your finger?

Me, too.

I have learned over the years that when I do a lot of strenuous work that involves using my hands for an extended period of time, like gardening, my fingers swell up just enough that taking off a ring ain't as easy as it should be.

I have used several methods of stuck ring removal with varying degrees of success - cold water, soap, butter and others that escape me at the moment.

A Dumbass in Bradford, Pennsylvania has come up with a ring removal idea that is sure to take the Dumbass Horde by storm!

Let me splain.

Wedding Ring Blues 

For some damn reason, known only to himself, Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III (is that an Eye-talian name or what?) wanted his wedding ring off his finger, and he wanted it off there bad.

I'm not sure whether or not Alfredo used any cold water, soap or butter in order to get his wedding ring off his finger, but he was persistent in his quest to be ringless. After considerable deliberation, Alfredo finally found a solution to his dilemma!

Grab a hand gun and shoot the wedding ring off his finger!

Now, to the uninitiated, this may seem to be a bit extreme. And that's because it is, you Dumbass! Who in his right fucking mind would use a firearm to remove a wedding ring from his finger?! Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III, that's who!

Seriously, Big Al corralled a pistol, carefully took aim at his wedding band and BANG! Problem solved. Sort of.

Alfredo managed to blast his ring finger into oblivion, but there was a slight hitch in his plan. He blew his digit off, but the ring remained on the stump where a moment ago there was a perfectly good ring finger.

I guess it is necessary to the plot to inform you that during this whole deal Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III was, according to police officers who answered the call about a Dumbass shooting off his finger, extremely intoxicated. Ya think?

There's one more little twist to this story. Alfredo is employed as a prison guard!

Malespini has been charged with a bunch of gun-related shit and could end up sharing a cell with some of the very people he was paid to supervise. Can you say "prison bitch"? I have a sneaky feeling that if Alfredo ends up in the Slammer, the boys in Cell Block D will invent new ways to play "Hide the Sausage" with him.

Suggestions for Alfredo 
  • For any future wedding ring removal, try cold water, soap or butter.
  • Don't wear a ring.
  • Don't stay married so you won't be obliged to wear a wedding ring.
  • Lay off The Sauce.
  • Next time, aim lower. Your nut sack would be a good place to start.
  • Have fun in Cell Block D.
  • And here's the obligatory "don't drop the soap" warning.
Dumbass.


Thursday, March 21, 2013

KuKu Klowns on Klonopin Kreate Kaos!

I have a sick kid that requires a visit to Old Sawbones this morning so I won't have time to create another Dumbass Masterpiece. I shall, therefore, regale you with a narrative of Days Gone By. For all you Yoopers, that means here's some of the Best of Dumbass News.

People are strange, as Jim Morrison wrote lo so many years ago. They (meaning "we") suffer from some weird shit. Me? I am scared to death of heights, so I suffer from dumbassis tallus itis. Some people are afraid to go outside which, in the parlance of the American Psychiatric Association, is known simply as "stupid as fuck". Then there are those who are actually scared shitless of clowns. This affliction is known as "bozo erectus areyoukiddingme sigmund freud syndrome", or coulrophobia.

After reading today's story we should all be very afraid of grown men who paint their faces up like ancient Zulu warriors in order to amuse people, or as they are known in San Francisco, homos.

But, I digress.

Sawin' Logs

Let's assume it's 2:55 in the morning, you are sleeping off a major bender anf all of a sudden, there's a knock at your door. Under these circumstances, I am grabbing the nearest double barrel 12 gauge and s-l-o-w-l-y approaching the door. If I am still drunk enough, I shoot first, then approach the door. Again, I digress.

This is exactly what happened to a Boca Raton, Florida couple recently. Except for the drunk part. I made that up for dramatic effect.

Instead, however, of being leery of someone knocking at their door at nearly 3 AM (!), the female part of the couple answered the damn door! What could possibly go wrong? Let me tell you what could possibly go wrong. There could be a guy in a scary clown mask at your door just a-chompin' at the bit to steal 120 Klonopin tablets (Klonopin is BAD, BAD joo joo), expensive watches, your wallet and all its contents including credit cards and cash -  what could possibly go wrong.
Klown on Klonopin

Clown-o-phobia

If you weren't skeered of clowns before this little incident you will be now. Except for one thing. You know the guy in the scary clown mask. How do you know that you know the guy in the scary clown mask? He lifts up the mask to reveal his identity! Well, hell! I feel all better now! Did I mention that Bozo has two friends with him and they are carrying crow bars? he did and they were.

So, the three clown Dumbasses enter the home swipe the Klonopin (I'm tellin' ya, this is some nasty shit!), $5000 worth of watches and the wallet, plastic and cash.

The lady later ID'ed the clown who lifted up his mask and he and his buddies were soon busted by the Boca PD.

Take Aways 
  1. I do not answer the door at 3 AM unless the voice on the other side is that of my Mother. I am still shooting first, though. If it really is Mom, I'll apologize for blasting her to Kingdom Come and she'll understand. And maybe even forgive me. I am an only son, after all.
  2. Ditch the Klonopin. I can't even begin to tell you what that stuff can do to a normal human bean.
  3. If you know a guy that dresses up like a clown and shows up at your door at 3 o'clock in the morning with two guys carrying crowbars, it's time to find some new friends.
  4. You deserve whatever Fate deals you if you keep five thousand dollars worth of watches and Klonopin in the same place. 
  5. You are a Dumbass for all the above reasons.
 So, the next time you are at the circus with the kids or grand kids, look at the funny clowns and think of this story, then tell it to the children with you. They'll see Bozo in a whole new light and they will never answer a 3AM knock at the door unarmed.

I promise.

And flush the damned Klonopin for Gawd's sake. That shit is nasty.

Dumbass.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Chicago Gun Control Laws Lead to Bullet Wound in Weenie!

Chicago.

Chi-town.

The Windy City.

The Second City.

Gun Control Capital of the United States. Hence, Murder Capital of the United States.

Closing in on being The Dumbass Capital of the United States of America, but, for the moment, Florida has the most concentrated Dumbass per capita ratio in The Fruited Plain. Chicago, on the other hand, does lay claim to being The City With the Highest Concentration of Powerful Dumbasses in the United States of America.

A quick roll call of Powerful Dumbasses with Ties to Chicago:
  • President of the United States
  • Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel
  • Rev. Jesse Jackson
  • Jesse Jackson, Jr.
  • Father Michael Pfleger
  • Rev. Jeremiah Wright
  • William Ayers, Terrorist
  • Bernadette Dohrn, (Mrs. Wm. Ayers)
  • Jay Cutler, QB, Chicago Bears
  • Chicago White Sox
That's quite a list, ain't it?

The Powerful Dumbasses on The List better make room, because it looks like Chicago has a rising Powerful Dumbass-in-Waiting and at the rate this Young Dumbass is going, he'll be on The List by his 18th birthday. If he lives that long.

Gun Go BOOM!

The Protagonist in our Dumbass Drama today is but 17 years old.

Shooters of Weenies***
Our Protagonist was chillin' wit sum hoes (a little South Side lingo there) in Northwest Chi-Town one night recently when he thought he'd be cool. And, as you might have guessed, by "be cool" I mean "do something extraordinarily fucked up".

The kid with the bleeding weenie called the cops. He told them that two guys dressed like ninjas jumped out of a black van and summarily shot him in his package. Then he changed his story. Then he changed his story again. And again. He went on lying to the cops until he got tired of his weenie bleeding like a stuck pig when finally 'fessed up.

The Young Dumbass was hospitalized and he'll be fine in due time.

WTF?

The last paragraph in this story as written on HuffPo goes like this: As of Saturday, multiple reports indicated it was unclear what charges the boy would face, if any. According to the state's criminal code, giving false reports to police could be classified disorderly conduct and punishable by fines.

"What charges, if any..."? Are you fucking kidding me? You mean "if any" like discharging a firearm within the city limits? No kind of "recklessness with a deadly weapon"-type charges? How about possession of an unregistered pistol? Granted, the HuffPo story doesn't say that the gun is unregistered, but you can bet your bottom dollar that it ain't.

"But, Fearless Leader," you plea, "how can you be so sure of that?"

It's really quite simple. With the kind of draconian and, in my opinion, unconstitutional, gun control measures in Chicago, along with the Commie mainstream media's leftist bias concerning firearms, if this pistol was in fact a registered weapon, they (the media and every Illinois politician within range of a TV news camera) would have pounded that point home with Thor's hammer.

Did I mention that the Powerful Dumbass-in-Waiting came clean to the police about being affiliated with at least one Chicago gang?

"What charges, if any..." Really?

Fucking Dumbasses.

***Photo from Huffington Post via Alamy***

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Dumbass Bidness Idea: Chicken Sitting!

The greatest asset this country has is its people.

Americans by nature are rugged individualists. Except for Obama voters. They are just stoopid fuckers. But, I digress.

Anyway, Americans in general will see a problem and instinctively look for a way to solve it. We see a need and seek a way to fulfill it.

In other words, we Americans are an industrious bunch. Again with the exception of O-bots, who are, generally speaking, a cabal of lazy motherfuckers. Now before you go postal on me because of my opinion about Obamatrons, I know that many of them are good, decent hard working folks. The fact remains, however, that they are good, decent, hard working stoopid fuckers. Again, I digress.

Overall though, Americans will see an opportunity and seize it.

Take dog poop for example.

Supply and Demand

A guy in Charlottesville, Virginia saw dog doo doo and turned it into gold by starting a bidness named Doody Calls. He, and forty franchisees in twenty-three states, go around picking up Bowser Bombs in dog parks and back yards all over the country. Who knew that Poodle Patties could be turned into gold?

Nekkididity also pays off. A motel owner in Florida was watching his bidness dwindle into near non-existence when he came up with a simple but brilliant way to turn things around. The miraculous solution that saved his motel? Nekkididity. He re-branded his motel as "clothing optional". He's now raking in the cheese.

Lubbock, Texas is a college town, home to Texas Tech University. This means that they are thousands of young, unmarried men. This, in turn, means that there are thousands of unkempt houses and apartments in Lubbock. College guys ain't exactly known as Better Homes and Garden kind of guys. In other words, male college students are pigs when it comes to tidy homes. Seeing a bidness opportunity, a Smart Guy started a maid service. OK, what's so brilliant about that? The brilliance lies in the fact that it is a Nekkid Maid Service! College Guys and Horny Old Bastards all around Lubbock jumped the Nekkid Maid Train like a duck on  a June bug.

The point is: there was a call for dog shit picker uppers, nekkid motels and nekkid maids and some enterprising Americans answered it.

What a country!

Another Success Story

Linda Walker of Portland, Oregon did a solid (for all the Yoopers in the Reading Audience, that means "a favor") for a friend and turned it into a start up small bidness.

Linda's friend was going on her honeymoon and needed someone to baby sit for her. Except the "baby sitting" wasn't for a baby. It was for over two hundred chickens!

So what does Linda do? She starts her own Chicken Sitting bidness! Linda informs us that she has received over twenty inquiries into her Chicken Sittin' gig.

I don't now if Chicken Sitting is worth its weight in dog dookey or not, and it certainly ain't as cool as nekkididity, but you gotta admit that Linda has hatched a unique idea.

Another benefit to chicken sitting is chicken shit. Lots of chicken shit.

Now that's a bidness just waitin' to happen.

Doody Calls.

Dumbasses.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Traffic Stop Yields Drugs in Guy's Prosthetic Leg and in Lady's Hiney!

When it comes to stories about what lengths drug users and dealers go to to hide their stash, we've had some humdingers here on Dumbass News. A cursory search of the blog archives turns up several examples of the innovative methods tweakers employ when smuggling or simply concealing their narcotics:
  • A Nigerian guy living in Brazil planned for his retirement by sending nearly six pounds of cocaine to his native land in roasted chickens!
  • A couple of stoopid bitches were doin' a solid for a boyfriend by trafficking more than a kilo of coke in their hair weaves! 
  • Fake boobs aren't just for beauty pageant contestants and strippers any more. A Panamanian lady attempted to haul three pounds of blow into Barcelona in her breast implants! 
  • Not to be outdone, a guy named Dave was busted for having a mobile meth lab in his underwear!
These Dumbasses are pikers compared to the group of jizzwhistlers (thanks @ToddKincannon !) you will learn about today.

Brake Lights Ain't All That Are Busted

Up the Ass & In the Leg
Four fine young Dumbasses were driving around in Charlotte County, Florida, minding their own bidness when a mean ole Charlotte County Sheriff's Deputy pulled them over because the brake lights on their tan Hyundai were not working.

As per Standard Long Arm of the Law Operating Procedure, upon approaching the occupants of the
automobile, Deputy Dawg asked all four of the idjits in the car if they were in possession of guns, swords, stash, contraband or nuke-u-lar weapons. All four responded "negatory" and granted the cop permission to search the car.

This is OK if you have nothing to hide, but if you are holding illegal narcotics on your person, this can quickly, as they say, turn around and bite you in the ass. Such was the case when the Law asked one of the passengers if he had any drugs hidden in his prosthetic leg. He did.

It was at this point of the investigation that the fun began. If you were the Cops. The four suspects? Not so much.

Here a Drug, There a Drug, Everywhere a Drug Drug

Now the Fuzz has the right to really start a serious examination of not only the car, but the Four Dumbasses as well. 

The driver of the car, a woman, was found to be concealing a bag of some nasty shit (morphine and hydromorphine) in her bra. She also confessed to having a hydromorhine pill in her wallet laying on the front seat of the car. At this time, she performed the Old Fake-a-rooni Evasive Maneuver on the Deputy, raced over to her wallet, quickly grab said pill and swallowed it!

During a further inspection of the car, the cops found some other shit, including some hypodermic needles.

Then it happened.

The lady 'fessed up and admitted that she had one more hypo hidden on her person.

In. Her. Ass.

Now, I'm not a user of illegal drugs, but if I were, and I learned that the needle I was about to use to main line some morphine had been hidden in some chick's asshole, it is at this exact moment that I would become an ex-illegal drug user. Pronto. "Tainted" narcotics (see what I did there?) be damned.

It won't be long now that the young lady's ass will be used for more than concealing hypodermic needles. See: Lezbeans in Prison movies.

Dumbasses.

***Hat Tip Sun Sentinel and HuffPo***
***Photo From SunSentinel*** 

Sunday, March 17, 2013

New Dumbass Game: Identify the Dumbass Crook at the Mall!

I.D. the Dumbass Crook!
Best of Dumbass News

Dumbass criminals are a dime a dozen these days. Everywhere you look, a dumbass criminal is sure to be nearby. Hey! That gives me an idea! My idea is a spin off of the old "Watching People at the Mall Game" or for brevity's sake, WPMG. You can still play WPMG but while you're doing it, you can add a whole new dimension to it. While playing WPMG, you can also play "Look for the Dumbass Criminal at the Mall Game"! That's right, folks! You can take the WPMG one step further by trying to guess which dumbass in the mall is not just a dumbass at the mall, he's also a dumbass criminal at the mall! What fun for the entire family! Not only will your family be having a great time together at the mall, but you'll be doing a Public Service as well. By identifying a potential dumbass criminal, you'll be helping local law enforcement to stop many crimes before they even happen! And to think that all this family fun time is absolutely FREE. A bargain at twice the price! Bwahahahahaha! Another benefit to WPMG and IDing dumbass criminals is that you can text your findings to all your friends! Or even post them to Twitter! Who knew that crime fighting and dumbass identifying would be such a rush?!

Here's a helpful hint for you while playing WPMG and finding dumbass criminals, be sure to sit near the food court. Every dumbass in the mall and every dumbass criminal in the mall will, at the very least, pass by the food court. Location is a very important component to WPMG. You want to be a in target rich environment and the food court offers that and more! Also you'll need to be inconspicuous while playing WPMG, so be sure to mix in with the mall crowd by ordering a slice of pizza or a big tub of popcorn while dumbass criminal IDing.

I'm sure that in all the excitement of writing about WPMG and dumbass criminals, I forgot some help hints to pass along to you, but at least you have the basics down, and that's what's important. So, good luck in your WPMG and dumbass criminal identification! Your country is calling on you!

Dumbass. :)

Saturday, March 16, 2013

82 Year Old Lady Steals From Kids Charity! Has 7 Decade Criminal Record!

Best of Dumbass News

Even as a Middle Aged Dumbass who has been around the coffee cup huntin' the handle, I am still amazed that so many people, although not nearly as many as even 25 short years ago, stay in the same field of work at the same job with the same company for so many years. I have noticed over the last couple of years through my Facebook contact with long time friends, that many of them work for the same school district or company that they started with shortly after I last saw them a million years ago. Those years, by my standard, are measured in Dumbass Years. A Dumbass Year equals whatever I say it does. In this case, 37 years ago equals a million Dumbass Years. Hey, they're my years so I quantify them how I want to.

For example, my Dad worked for the same company for 37 years and the only reason it wasn't more is because they shut the place down. He would have had 40+ years seniority, easy. I know some people that work for the same company that did during the summers between High School years. I am looking at you, Randy Randle. :) I think.

Today, I present to you another Seasoned Citizen to whom we can all look up to and admire as someone who has the same job for her whole life and she is eighty-two years old!

Her name is Doris Thompson.

And she's a career criminal. I love the smell of persistence in the morning. It smells like a jail cell.


All About Doris

Doris - who has at least twenty-five aliases - has a rap sheet that dates back to before I was born! And I was born in 1956! Her criminal record dates as far back as 1955!

According to the LA Times, Doris "targeted doctors' offices. He said she would enter an office, hide until closing and search for keys to the cash box. He said she stole about $17,000.
Thompson was arrested at an El Segundo hotel without incident, Watt said, and police found evidence linking her to the burglaries.
Watt said a detective who had dealt with Thompson identified her from a video that allegedly caught her in the act. The detective recognized her distinctive hair, which Thompson wears in a stand-on-its-end electric style similar to boxing promoter Don King.
Thompson has a 20-page rap sheet dating to 1955. Burglary appears to be her chosen career.
According to court records, Thompson has been imprisoned at least nine times for burglary in Los Angeles and Orange counties. She first spent time behind bars in 1983, when she was 53, according to the records. It's unclear why they don't go back further."

I Hate These Walls...

Doris' current crop of troubles stem from an incident in which she hid inside a rest room at Children's Medical Group in Torrance, Cal-ee-forn-ya, then stole the place blind after she emerged from the can when employess of CMG had left for the day.

I was almost feeling sorry for Old Doris the Fucking Asshole Career Thief - after all she is somebody's mother and grandmother- until I got to the "Childrens Medical Group" part. One of the items she swiped from CMG? A device to test children's hearing. Lovely person the Old Battle Axe is, huh? Fuck Her.

Thankfully Doris is very old and with any luck her "career" has been "cut short" by this latest run in with the Law and Old Age. Maybe the citizens of Cal-ee-forn-ya won't have to support her sorry ass for too long and she'll be kind enough to, oh, I dunno, die soon.

I Couldn't Care Less

I know. I know. I shouldn't be so hard on this poor old lady. Bullshit! The old bitty has led a life of crime for parts of seven decades! And you want me to feel bad for her due to her current circumstances? Paraphrasing Richard Pryor, you are talkin' to the wrong Fearless Leader, mothafuckah!

Yes, Doris is a Child of God and is due forgiveness for her transgressions, but she can be granted all the forgiveness she'll ever get from the Good Lord His Own Self, not your Fearless Leader. My Forgive-O-Meter is broken when it comes to Doris Thompson. She has and deserves absolutely NONE of my sympathy or compassion. What's the old saying? Insanity is doing the same thing time and again expecting different results? Doris is beyond "insane", she's a Dumbass.

I think I summed it up rather succinctly way up there ^^^^^ somewhere when I so delicately said, "Fuck. Her".

Have a nice day, Doris.

Dumbass.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Real Dumbass Makes Fake Money, Returns Printer to WalMart...w/Fake Money Still In It!

Knockoff merchandise is big bidness.

What is "knockoff merchandise"? I guess I should splain. Sometimes I forget that Dumbasses in 156 countries around the world read this shit most edifying of content. So, for all Dumbass News readers in locations whose first language is not English, like Dearborn, Meechigan, (Aloha Snack Bar!) or London, "knockoff merchandise" simply means "cheap fake stuff that looks like the real, more expensive original merchandise". For example, some unscrupulous asshat might be selling a hand bag that resembles the very expensive "Coach" brand bag, but it is inferior in quality and workmanship to the original. Knockoff merchandise also carries a name extremely similar to the real thing. In this case the fake stuff may be labeled "Couch" instead "Coach".

Got it?

Knockoff Cash Flow

Some Dumbasses take the Old Make Fake Shit That Looks Like the Real Thing Trick a step too far. This group of idjits specializes in making counterfeit United States currency. This is not a particularly good idea. This is what is often referred to as a "felony". Uncle Sam is not amused at such antics.

El Fake-o
We have written about this subject at least a couple of times before. Earl Devine of Lafayette, Indiana made some very realistic $100 bills, except for one minor detail. He put the face of Abraham Lincoln on them! Even the most ignant of Dumbasses knows that the face on $100 bills is that of Paul Revere! 

A Dumbass in Gainesville, Florida also thought it was a good idea to manufacture his own money with a cheap ass computer printer. Not so. See: Prison, Federal.

As stoopid as these two jack wagons were, they are a few steps farther up the ole Evolutionary Ladder than Jarad S. Carr of Wisconsin.

The Story of Jarad (and I don't mean the Subway Guy) 

Jarad's story isn't really that much different than the two aforementioned Dumbasses, but there is one detail of his saga that sets it apart from all other stories about shit weasels that produce Funny Money.

You see, Jarad also had a cheap ass printer that he used to make phoney money. Problem was that Jarad didn't like the quality of the cash that the printer put out. So, he did what any Dumber Than a Box of Hammers Dumbass would do. He took the printer back to WalMart to exchange it.

This is where the story picks up steam.

Gawker fills us in, Jarad S. Carr was arrested last week after an altercation at a Walmart returns desk when he tried to return his printer—presumably because it was not good at printing money—without a receipt. Had he left it there, things might have been OK, but he pushed the matter...

Points of Order
  • Loudly arguing with a WalMart Customer Service desk person about returning an item you bought from their store is simply stoopid. He/she is the one who actually determines whether or not your item will be exchanged or refunded! 
  • It is an even worse idea to return an item that is not in original condition. And by "original condition" I mean that you left a sheet of counterfeit $100 bills still in the printer tray! 
  • Felony.
  • The Big House beckons.
  • Prison butt sex.
  • Don't drop the soap.
Dumbass.

***Photo Heisted from Gawker***

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Dumbass Gets "Netflix" Tattoo; Lobotomy Is in His Future

Tattoos. 

They've been around since at least 4000 or 5000 years before Christ. Although I'm willing to go out on a limb here and venture a guess that all those millenia ago The Ancients did not go get their body art done by a guy named Monkey Wrench. But I could be wrong about that.

These days some of the tattoos I've seen look like they were done by Michaelangelo. They are nothing short of works of art, like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, except of course they are on some Dumbass' forearm. Or back. Or something.

I have nothing against tattoos or the Dumbasses that get them, it's just that tats ain't my cup of tea. As a matter of fact, I have written a few Dumbass News stories about Dumbasses and their tattoos. In this one, it was a tattoo that led police to arrest a suspect in a murder! I don't want to spoil the story, so go read it and I'll wait here for you.

A few minutes later...another Dumbass With a Tattoo story parallels today's tale. This one features a stunt pulled by a radio DJ. Hilarity ensues.

Branded

Normally, when a guy is the fan of a particular product or service, he'll buy a gimme cap or T-shirt or some such.

Not this guy.

A Dumbass known only by his Twitter handle, @TheRealMyron, likes the video streaming service Netflix. A lot. How much? This much:

@TheRealMyron's Actual Tattoo
Netflix was so touched by @TheRealMyron's devotion to their company that they gave him a FREE year of their service.

@TheRealMyron is a Dumbass. Let me tell you why.

Why @TheRealMyron is Stoopid
  1. I'm guessing here, maybe one of you can put me some knowledge, but a tattoo like the one @TheRealMyron has must cost a couple of hundred dollars.
  2. Netflix costs about $8 a month. @TheRealMyron got twelve months free, right? $8 x 12 Months = $96. That's about half the price of the tattoo!
  3. $96 worth of free shit for a guy who tattoos your brand on his body? Lifetime "Netflix" Tattoo = Lifetime Free Netflix. Cheap fuckers.
  4. Netflix pretty much sucks.
  5. Since Netflix pretty much sucks, unless they do something extraordinary regarding their programming, they won't be around in a few years.
  6. Tattoos are FOREVER! Netflix ain't.
  7. The cost of getting a tattoo removed is prohibitive. Maybe @TheRealMyron can sell his stock in Netflix when it goes the way of a well-digested bean burrito to defray the cost of removing or modifying his Netflix tattoo.
  8. The next tat that @TheRealMyron gets should be something like "DISH". It's more compact than "Netflix" and if DISH Network goes belly up, Myron can get "DISH" altered to read something like "RADISH". Radishes will, sadly, never go away.
  9. Let us hope that @TheRealMyron never becomes a fan of "Josefina's Taqueria and Meskin Food Emporium".
Dumbass.

    Wednesday, March 13, 2013

    Guy Robs Bank w/Fake Gun; Gets Shot w/Real .357


    The 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States reads thusly: "a well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed". 

    A bank employee in Trimble, Missouri recently exercised his 2nd Amendment rights when some Dumbass tried to rob the First Security Bank.

    The Thinker

    Michael Oliva is one of those Dumbasses who on occasion comes up with a brilliant idea. And y "brilliant" I of course mean "stoopid as fuck".

    Fake.
    Michael was sittin' around one day sparkin' up the ol' crack pipe, throwin' back some foaties (that's "forties" as in 40oz beer for all you Old White Guys out there) and singin' Kanye West songs, hereafter referred to as "shit", trying to think of something to do. All of the sudden Michael came up with a brilliant ("stoopid as fuck") idea. Michael exclaimed, "El Frito Bandito es pendejo!" which is Meskin lingo for, "Hey! I have a stoopid as fuck idea! I'm gonna go rob a bank with a realistic looking but fake hand gun!".

    So he set out on his felonious feat.

    Penalty for Early Withdrawal 

    At 1:25 PM one recent Friday afternoon, Michael Oliva arrived at First Security Bank, 202 US Highway 169 in Trimble, MO. Michael had his Fake But Realistic Looking Hand Gun at the ready. What could possibly go wrong?

    I'm glad you asked that question.

    So Michael pulls a black ski mask over his head and makes his entry into the bank. He goes up to one of the bank tellers and demands the money in her cash drawer. At this point, a bunch of noisy shit and commotion goes on catching the attention of another bank employee in an office near the teller area.

    Remember up there ^^^ when you asked "what could possibly go wrong?"

    This is What Could Possibly Go Wrong

    Real.
    The Bank Guy who came running to the front of the bank from an office? He confronted Michael and his Fake But Looks Like a Real Gun Gun face to face. Did I mention that the Bank Guy has a concealed carry permit for a REAL gun? He does.

    Anyway, here's the Bank Guy with a .357 staring straight into the eyes of Michael Oliva who is in possession     of a Realistic Looking But FAKE Gun. It is at this point that the Bank Guy aims his very real .357 at Michael and blasts him in the face with a very real .357 bullet.

    Somehow, by the Grace of God I suppose, Michael is not graveyard dead and manages to escape with a gun shot wound to the jaw.

    Long story short....Michael gets away and then leads the cops on a high speed car chase before finally being apprehended. Upon being nabbed by The Fuzz, Michael was heard to say, "Hace mucho calor" which translates to: "Boy was that a stoopid as fuck idea".

    Ay! Ay! Ay! Canta y no llores! Translation:

    Dumbass.



    Tuesday, March 12, 2013

    Nigerian "FBI" Sends Me $5 Million!

    Look what I got from the "FBI"!

    It's "official" and everything!

    NOTICE FROM FBI (OFFICIAL)

    Spam
    x

    FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION <contact@fbimail.com>
    4:02 PM (10 minutes ago)

    to undisclosed recipients
    Be careful with this message. Many people marked similar messages as phishing scams, so this might contain unsafe content.  Learn more

    FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI)
    HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON, D.C.
    J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
    935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
    NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
     
     
    REF: US/28028/8A28/11
     
    ATTENTION:
     
    FBI OFFICIAL NOTICE: This is to inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed an investigation with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring
    Network System (IMNS), your email address was found in the Central Computer among the list of unpaid contractors, inheritance next of kin and lotto beneficiaries approved
    to receive a part-payment of $5,000,000.00 Five Million United States Dollars. According to the record in the system your funds had been long overdue.
     
    This is because some corrupt officials have been using the interest accumulated from your fund every year to enrich themselves without your knowledge.
     
    Meanwhile, We want to make sure your funds is paid to you immediately via ATM Card which is the easiest and quickest method to receive your fund and also to secure and
    protect your fund from being diverted by fraudulent people or making more payments to those corrupt officials.
     
    We have completed this investigation and you are hereby approved to receive the sum of $5,000,000.00 as we have verified the entire transaction to be Safe and 100% risk free.
     
    Therefore, we want to inform you that an arrangement has perfectly been concluded to effect your payment as soon as possible. However, it is our pleasure to inform you that
    ATM Card Number; 7946 8678 0123 2210 has been approved and upgraded in your favor.
     
    The ATM Card Value is $5,000,000.00 USD Only. You are advised that a maximum withdrawal limit of US$10,000.00 only is permitted daily. And you can make withdrawal in any
    location of the ATM Center of your choice/nearest to you any where in the world.
     
    Due to the fact that the funds has been converted into an ATM Card you will be required to settle the following bills directly to the Agent in-charge of your payment whom is
    located in Abuja, Nigeria,. According to our discoveries, you will be required to pay for the following :-
     
    * ATM Card Conversion Fee (Fee for converting the funds into an ATM Card)
    * (ATM Card Delivery Fee)
     
    The total amount for everything is $135.00 (One Hundred and Thirty Five Dollars) only. We have tried our possible best to indicate that this $135.00 should be deducted from the
    funds but we found out that the funds have already been converted into an ATM Card and cannot be accessed by anyone except you "the legal beneficiary". Therefore, you will
    be required to pay the fee's to the Agent in-charge of your payment via Western Union Money Transfer Or Money Gram so that he can deliver your ATM Card and approval
    documents to you as we have instructed him.
     
    In order to proceed with your payment, you will be required to contact the agent in-charge of your payment (MR. DANIEL MARK) via e-mail. Kindly look below to find
    appropriate contact information:
     
    CONTACT AGENT NAME: MR. DANIEL MARK
    E-MAIL ADDRESS: dmark433@gmail.com
    PHONE NUMBER #: +234 818 865 4399
     
    You will be required to e-mail him with the following information:
     
    FULL NAME:
    PRESENT ADDRESS:
    CITY:
    STATE:
    ZIP CODE:
    DIRECT CONTACT NUMBER:
     
    You will also be required to request Western Union details on how to send the required $135.00 in order to immediately deliver your ATM Card, and also include the following
    Fund Reference Identification: EA2948-910.
     
    This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of Investigation is authorizing you to pay the required $135.00 ONLY to AGENT DANIEL MARK via information in which
    he shall send to you.
     
    NOTE: In order to ensure rapid response, contact AGENT DANIEL MARK as soon as possible providing the required information needed from you above.
     
    Congratulations in advance!!!
     
    NSB Seal
    Robert S. Mueller, III
    Public Affairs Director - FBI.
    NSB SEAL ABOVE
    CC: United Nations Organization (UN)
    CC: International Monetary Fund (IMF)
    CC: World Dept Reconciliation Agencies (WDRA)

    It's about time! I have been waiting for this moment for over forty years!

    Five. Million. United. States. Dollars.

    Suck on that, Corrupt Officials who for so long raided my account solely to enrich yourselves. You have finally been exposed for what you truly are - Big Old Meanies! But, it is I who shall get the last laugh! And I'll be laughing all the way to the bank! Bwahahahahahahaha!

    The FBI was even kind enough to load the entire 5 million onto an ATM Card! Wow! How lucky can a guy get? Hell, I even got a Fund Reference Identification Number. And I bet some of you thought I was getting ripped off. It just goes to show you how stoopid some people are. I'll send you idjits a post card from my palatial beach home in Belize.

    The best part is that all I have to do to claim the fortune that is rightfully mine is to wire via Western Union a piddling $135 to Agent Daniel Mark at the "FBI"s Field Office in Abuja, Nigeria! Color me impressed. FBI Agents in Africa are so ready to right the wrongs of those nasty old "Corrupt Officials" that they will verify my funds from half way around the world! And it's not gonna cost me but $135.

    If you still don't believe in the veracity of this transaction, I have further proof that it's on the up and up. Agent Daniel Mark even provided me with a valid email address (dmark433@gmail.com) and a contact telephone number (234-818-865-4399). Now if that ain't legit, I'll kiss your ass in the middle of Downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd. Wooops! I've written those words twice before and they've and they've come back to bite me in my own ass both times. But not this time, Losers! Hahahaha on you!

    Luckily for me, there's a Western Union vendor at the Rite Aid a mere quarter mile from where I live! The stars have aligned for me! No more Mr. Disabled Old Guy With Two Kids Under 11 Years Old for me! I'm finally somebody! A rich somebody!

    As if I need further reassurance, the FBI's Field Office in Abuja, Nigeria sent copies of this notification to the United Nations, International Monetary Fund AND World Reconciliation Dept Agencies.

    Enough said.

    I'm filthy fucking rich and you are all a bunch of Mad Dog 20/20-drinkin' peons. Ha!

    I do, however, have one small favor to ask of you before I assume my Rightful Place amongst The Elite. If this thing doesn't work out, could you please see clear to loan me twenty bucks? I'll pay you back next Tuesday.

    Thanks.

    Dumbasses.
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