Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: June 2013 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Dumbass English Science Guys: "Cussing Cures Pain!"

I found an article that is as near perfect as you can get for Dumbass News. What you are about to read is scientific evidence that being a Dumbass can be a good for your health! I say this with a caveat, however. The study that determined this stuff was done in England. And since England is evolving into a Third World Muslim Hellhole, I have concluded that English scientists are Third World Dumbasses.

Let me splain.

The Splainin'

These guys with nothing better to do than conduct research on the effects of cussing on your health, while their country is going down the loo, have come to a surprising conclusion. Cussing can be good for your health!

You read that right you fuckin' Dumbass. Let go with the ugly words and you will feel better than ever! Well, that's not exactly the truth. The Dumbass English Guys who did this study came to the conclusion that those who cuss "moderately" (whatever the hell "moderately" means) can actually relieve pain! 

No shit?

These morons did an experiment where 67 other English Dumbasses who put their hand into a bucket filled with ice water and repeated a cuss word over and over can do so for forty seconds longer than those who repeated a non cuss word over and over. BUT! if you cuss more than 60 times a day you won't get any benefit from keeping your hand in ice water for a period of time. What? Here's something straight from the Dumbass English Scientists themselves, "And the study found those who swear as many as 60 times a day receive less pain relief than those who curse a few times a day. People who curse frequently do so without an emotional response, which reduces the pain-relieving effects, the study said." 

Well that certainly clears that up.

My Own Scientific Conclusions

You mean to tell me that if cut off my cussing at 59 times a day I am gonna get some kind of pain relief? And all this time the myriad Doctors I've been seeing for my arthritis and fibromyalgia have been giving me enough bills to choke Roseanne Barr and all they had to do was tell me to cuss 59 times a day? I expected men and women who spent a hundred or more large earning a medical degree to know what they are doing. That theory is shot to hell. I smell a malpractice suit in the air. I'll keep an eye out for Joe Bornstein, the TV lawyer who has his very own "800" number. Joe also handles disability claims, car wrecks and assault with a deadly midget. I know this to be true because the evil insurance companies lawyers always cower and shit their pants when the injured party says that Joe is their attorney. To think, I hired a local lawyer to handle my disability claim when I could have had some guy who the bad guy attorneys fear like Barrack Obama fears capitalism.

Questions 

  • How could the idiots that performed this study tell what caused the guinea pigs' pain to moderate. 
  • Do they have a Pain-O-Meter or some shit? 
  • Also, how could they conclude that it was because the twits who kept their hand in the ice water longer do so because they were cussing? 
  • I want some fucking answers! 
  • Another thing...why in the name of all that is Holy would these Spitwad-for-Brains Dumbasses want to cuss and keep their hand in a bucket of ice water!? 
  • My last question...who's stoopid enough to carry around a bucket of ice water just in case they have a headache? 
  • Remember too that it's very impolite to cuss in public. 
  • The really smart assholes who participated in this voodoo will put a couple of Guiness Stouts and a waterproof lunch container in bucket of ice water. A couple of Guiness will kill any pain you are experiencing, from a headache all way to a pick axe protruding from your skull. Hand in ice water bucket not needed.


I Want Answers!

I'm sure you'll agree that these are vital inquiries that cry out, nay, demand answers and I will not rest until I find them! I am afraid, however, that we'll discover that the study took place in a methadone clinic. I'm just sayin'.

Dumbasses.


***Photo from Kool Czar Blog***

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Fake BiPolar = No Jury Duty; Tell the Story on Radio = Stoopid

Jury of Your Peers - Do They Look Happy to Be There?
If I have learned one thing in life it is that if you want to keep a secret or keep something private, it is best to not go on a 50,000 watt, clear channel radio station heard in almost 40 states and share your little story. I am fairly certain that such an act would let the cat out of the bag, so to speak. I could be wrong here, but I don't think so.

KOA

KOA, 850 AM in Denver, Colorado is one of the most famous radio stations in the country. They are legendary in broadcast circles. KOA has been broadcasting for over 80 years and is very popular throughout the state. I have spent many hours listening to KOA in any number of states in the USA. It goes everywhere!

Knowing what we know, it would be safe to assume that you were to do an interview on KOA, that there would be someone you know is listening at that very minute. As a matter of fact, you can take it to the bank. Just ask Susan Cole.

Jury Duty

Susan was talking on the air with long time KOA talk show host Dave Logan (a former Denver Broncos wide receiver) telling the tale of how she skipped out on jury duty. She told Logan that she faked mental illness in order to avoid serving on a jury. Two things here: 1) Shirking your civic obligation to serve on jury duty, as big a pain in the ass as it can be, is not a good idea. 2) Faking an illness or lying to the Jury Duty Guys in order to avoid service is a felony. I'm just sayin'. And as one who suffers from BiPolar Disorder and ADHD, making light of mental illness is not very nice. It doesn't offend me personally (none of my personalities....hahaha) but it sill ain't cool. I can also state categorically that I have papers to prove I am a basket case, can you prove you're sane? I didn't think so.

Remember that part up there ^^^ where I said if you were on KOA, somebody you know would be listening? Guess what? As Susan told of her web of deceit, somebody she knew was listening to her tell it! Susan's friend was not amused and reported her to the authorities. Karma, bitch, karma.

In the very near future, Susan won't be telling tall tales on the radio, but she will be listening to them in the Denver County Jail - as a convicted felon.

My Word

I know how inconvenient serving jury duty can be, I've been there. But it really is a civic obligation not to be taken lightly or routinely dismissed simply because it comes at a bad time. Juries are the foundation of our legal system and without them things could get pretty chaotic pretty quick. Just serve when you're call upon to do so. You might actually learn something about how the criminal justice system works. There is another way to observe the workings of the justice system up close. That is to shirk jury duty. You'll just get to see the system from the other side while 12 of your peers decide that your are an unAmerican dumbass lying to get out of the very thing they are there for. And all 12 of them may not be in a good mood on your day in court. Think about it.

Just ask Susan Cole.

Dumbass.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Stampeding Cattle Prefer Bud Light Over Miller Lite!

Ahhhh Summer Time. The season of warm weather, gentle breezes, backyard cook outs, cattle drinking all your beer...wait! Whaaaaaat the hell?! Beer-drinking cows? That's not the only dumbass detail about this story.

Beer-swilling bovine is not exactly a topic commonly brought up around the water cooler at work, but if the subject of cows drinking barley pop ever came up you'd think it would happen in a place famous for having lots of cattle - like Texas, Montana or Wisconsin. That is not, however, the case with this edition of Dumbass News.

A Moooooving Time Was Had By All

Imagine that you are having a few friends over to your pad for a BBQ and cold beer. Easy enough, it's Summer Time and that sort of thing happens this time of year. It's also inevitable that some uninvited Dumbass will hear about your soiree and stop by to ruin an otherwise good time. That's bad enough. But when the party is crashed by a whole herd, and I mean herd, of non-invitees, the damn thing goes to Hell in a hand basket real quick like.

Think about it. There you are swiggin' co' beer and bullshittin' with your buddies and all of the sudden a herd of cattle stampede into your back yard! That's the "dumbass detail" I alluded to up there^^^^? This incident actually happened in...

...in Massachusetts??!! You mean the home of Bean Town, the Patriots, Paul Revere and the Red Sox Massachusetts? Yep. That's the one.

Head 'em Up, Move 'em Out!

This ordeal took place in Boxford, Massivetwoshits when the police were rounding up a herd of cattle that had escaped their confines. As the (insert John Wayne movie title here) moment unfolded, the cattle decided to break ranks and head for the hills. Or in this case, someone's back yard.

The cops heard (pun intended; heard; herd; I kill myself sometimes) a shit load of screaming coming from the back yard and arrived to see the cows drinking all the party goers' beer! According to an officer on the scene, and I am not making this up, the bovine beer burglars "preferred the Bud Light to the Miller Lite." I smell a marketing campaign for Bud Light coming up here.

Beef & Beer

I have come to a couple of conclusions after reading about this.

Conclusion 1: Besides the obvious Bud Light campaign yet to be gleaned from this deal, I am firmly convinced that some Einstein out there has already started making plans to keep his cow herd drunk and sell the meat as "pre-marinated".

and...

Conclusion 2: The next time I am having a party I will be serving my guests Miller Lite just in case there is a cattle stampede. The cattle can bring their own Bud Light.

I'm just sayin'.

Dumbasses.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Ripped Off By a Hooker? File a Police Report!

Stories about hookers have long been a staple here at Dumbass News. Some our tawdry tales of tantalizing tarts even involve the police!

In keeping with our tradition of trashy trollops (OK enough with the alliteration), we once again present to you a story of prostitution. This time with a twist.

Bitch at the Beach

It should come as no surprise that an ocean front town would be a likely locale for hookers. Old Orchard Beach, Maine (about 70 miles south of where I am sitting) is no exception. OOB is a touristy kind of town with people coming from all over Northern New England to enjoy the ocean and other seaside amenities. And by "seaside amenities" I of course mean whores.

Dumb Fuck
Take Scott Pipher for example.

Scott made it all the way to Old Orchard beach from Portsmouth, New Hampshire. After enjoying the brisk waters of the Gulf of Maine, Scott decided it was time for some of the seaside amenities he had heard of. So, he set out to find a hooker.

He found one.

10 Minutes Short

Police say a man called them to complain a prostitute hadn't given him his money's worth – so they arrested him.
Police say New Hampshire resident Scott Pipher was arrested this week. The 34-year-old is charged with engaging a prostitute.
Old Orchard Beach, Maine, police say Pipher called them to complain a woman he'd hired "shorted him by 10 minutes."
Police say their investigation also led to the arrests of two women believed to be prostitutes contacted by Pipher through a website.

Now I am not familiar with the unwritten Rules of Being a Slut, but being a man with an alphabet soup variety of mental illnessesdo know that a visit to the Crazy People Doctor is supposed to be an hour long but is usually only about 45 minutes in length. Maybe similar rules apply to whores - you pay for an hour, you get 50 minutes. To put it into more of a hooker context, you pay for "around the world", you get a "trip across town".

I dunno.

Options

I'll go out on a limb here and suggest that even if you were "short changed" by a slut, calling the local  constabulary to file a complaint is probably not the best idea of the day. You'd have far better luck in lodging your gripe with the area Hookers Union. Or, possibly, a nice pimp will listen to your tale of woe and hunt the bitch down and express his extreme displeasure about the way she does bidness and encourage the young lady to make good on the 10 minutes or happily refund 1/6 of the price you paid the broad to contract a sexually transmitted disease from her in the first place. (Math Note: 10 minutes = 1/6 of an hourthus the refund of 1/6 the agreed upon price) 

Then again, you could:
  • Accept the fact that you were ripped off by a whore, leave it at that and move on. Lesson learned.
  • Deal only with hookers who carry the union label.
  • Look in the Yellow Pages for prostitutes who are members in good standing (or laying as the case may be) of the Better Bidness Bureau.
  • Not spend your hard earned money to have sex with a crack ho.
  • Find a more reputable hooker.
  • Slap the monkey.
  • Find more wholesome "seaside amenities" to blow (pun intended) your cash on.
Dumbass.

***Thanks to HuffPo & SeaCoastOnline***

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

How to Kill Your Husband: Poison Your Vajayjay!

Best of Dumbass News

One more time: If the woman in this story isn't named the winner of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award for 2013, I'll kiss your ass in the middle of downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd. 

Words I regret ever having written.

Not only did I knowingly scribble that sentence, I did so with the unwavering confidence that I would never see downtown Dallas again. Twice.

I should've known better.

The last week's worth of stories will be long remembered as the most loaded-with-Dumbass of the Year Candidates-Week in the two and a half year, 850+ blog post history of Dumbass News.

So far.

Today's tale once again pegs the Dumbass-O-Meter to eleventy111!!11!! and is probably NSFW!

Tainted Taint

There's a lady down in Brazil that doesn't like her husband very much. Her dislike for her spouse had gotten to the point that she wanted to kill him. So she devised an ingenious plan to rid herself of him once and for all.

She poisoned her vajayjay!


A man is accusing his wife of trying to kill him by putting poison in her vagina and convincing him to perform oral sex with her.
The man, 43, became suspicious when he noticed a strange odor coming from his wife’s genitals, according to Portuguese news outlet tvi24.
When he took her to the hospital, she confessed to the plan, and doctors found enough poison in her body to kill them both.
She plotted to kill her husband when he refused to divorce her, according to the Huffington Post UK. She was treated and released from the hospital.
Officer Walter Colacino Junior has ordered further investigation of the case before any legal action is taken.

What I Think
  • Brazil is a heavily Catholic country and divorce is a Big No No in the Church, but I am sure that somewhere in the dogma of Catholicism there's a rule against murder also. 
  • I am, I think, not going too far out on a limb when I say that attempted murder is against the law even in a happy-go-lucky place such as Brazil. 
  • What was this stoopid broad thinking? Did she not consider the fact that putting a toxic substance in her nether regions might just be dangerous to herself as well?!
  • If an odd odor is emanating from a cooter, is the cooter contaminated?
  • What effect will this incident have on oral sex in Brazil?
  • Should a warning label stating "Oral Contact with This Vajayjay May Be Fatal" be required on every vagina in the country?
  • Will the Brazilian Gubmint pass strict new Cooter Control laws?
  • How does a woman go about de-toxifying a poisoned lady part?
  • I hope this is not a trend.
  • I shall avoid Brazil like it's downtown Dallas.
Dumbass.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

1000th Post! Dumbass Love at the 7-11!


1000 posts.

One. Thousand.

10 times 100.

The square root of one million.  

How the hell did this happen?

How It Happened

It was a dark and stormy night...

I just wanted to say that.

It's all very simple, really. Dumbass News has lasted this long for one basic reason: you are a Dumbass. I say that with love in my heart. And a sneer on my face.

Thank you.

And Now...Our Feature Presentation

Set the scene...

  • Dumbass goes to convenience store.
  • Dumbass meets girl at c-store.
  • Dumbass and girl become friends.
  • Dumbass asks girl on date.
  • Girl accepts Dumbass' invitation.
The Date

Nothing says "Long Term Romance" like a chance meeting at the neighborhood 7-11. To each his own, I guess. We are, after all, dealing with Dumbasses here.

Anyway, upon accepting the Dumbass' invitation to a scintillating evening of Quarter Pounders with Cheese, large fries and Diet Cokes, the couple agrees to meet up at the 7-11 where they first met. With her picking him up for the Big Night. (What did you expect?)

The Appointed Time for Love mercifully arrives.

 A Florida man says that a first dated ended with him being beaten, forced to strip at gun point, robbed and then left in a cow pasture.
A Flagler County Sheriff’s Office case report obtained by NBC News indicated that 34-year-old Shaun Paul Williams was found naked and bloodied on State Road 100 in Bunnell. Williams told deputies that he had met a woman named “Tree” about two weeks ago in Dayton and agreed to go out on June 14.
When the woman picked him up on Friday, he discovered that two other men we also inside the vehicle. The woman explained that one of the men was her brother. She said that she needed to drop the men off at the brother’s home.
But instead of going to a home, the brother instructed the woman to stop at an “empty cow pasture.” Williams said that he exited the vehicle to urinate and was struck in the head with a “hard metal object.”
“Give me all your money and your clothes,” one of the men told him.
“Are you serious?” Williams replied.
Williams opened his eyes to find a semiautomatic pistol pointed at his head. He handed over about $200 in cash, a gray tank top, black Dickie shorts and a pair of DC sneakers. The bandits also made off with his Straight Talk pre-paid cellular phone and Florida driver’s license.
Deputies took Williams to a hospital to be treated for lacerations to his head.
Williams, who works as a professional painter, told The Daytona Beach News-Journal, that he had a fractured cheekbone and cheek. He said that he risked losing his eye without surgery.
“I should have known better when I see two other individuals in the car,” Williams explained. “Basically, it was my stupidity… I should have realized there was something funny about it.”
Something funny about it indeed.
Dumbass.

Monday, June 24, 2013

The United Nations Pursues Your Fearless Leader!

We have talked before how cool the internet is and all the spiffy things you can do on it - shopping, paying bills, watching pron, etc...As good as all that stuff is, there are an equal number of bad things about the 3 Dub (that stands for "www."; a nickname us blogging sensations use when communicating with each other) Scams, phishing, ID theft, etc. For example...

My wife got this email last night. It sounds very ominous and basically implicates her in a very serious crime. I will print it in its entirety below then dismantle it point by point.

The Very Serious Email 

Good Day.


This is the internet fraud unit of the Interpol police, we are mandated by the British High Commission and the FBI to combat internet fraud and our monitoring device picked up several signal transaction on your server and since then we have been monitoring all your internet transaction and we have just discovered that you have been into series of transaction and we have been on the trail ever since.


From our investigation you have been into a transaction worth of millions of dollars which you have spent money on, and we discovered from our investigation that you have been dealing with the wrong people. A compensation of six hundred and fifty thousand united state dollars ($650,000.00) has been allocated to all Americans, Arabians,Europeans,canadians and Asian citizen who have been scammed and harassed on the internet. We are also been backed up by the UNITED NATIONS. We have been investigating emails been directed to selected individuals.
  
We want to clear your doubts; you are to continue your transaction with Robert Nicholas of the compensation payment department immediately.Please you are to notify us when you receive this email.


You are not to disclose this information to a third party as we are on the trail to get all perpetrators of cyber crime.


Thank you for your understanding


Faithfully

Bryan Anderson

Head Internet Fraud Unit.


Sounds ominous, huh?
I would think that such letters are intended for older people who are not so internet savvy or maybe even a little off kilter upstairs.Sadly, there those who fall for this shit every day of the week. That's almost understandable. But consider also the fact that perfectly functioning, mentally stable, smart, grown people get involved in scams like this all the time. These are the dumbasses to whom I am referring in this post.

Pay Attention!   

Let's play a Dumbass Game right now. Let us say that you received this email and were so scared that you soiled your drawers thinking that you could be in some serious shit.Fear not! Fearless Leader s here to cast aside your worries and fears! Ya Dumbass. And I say that with love in my heart.

For your sanity, not to mention your bank account, let us dismantle this fraudulent communique step by step, shall we?

The Dismantling

This will be easy.
  • The greeting of the email, "Good Day". I may be in the minority here but if you are involved in a serious crime, I highly doubt the first words of the letter would be 'good day". "Hey, you rotten thieving sonuvabitch" or "Mr. Smith" maybe, but there's no way in hell that an email of this nature begins with a sunny phrase such as "good day".
  • Interpol is indeed an international police force kind of thing. However, I don't think that they are stoopid enough to inform a criminal suspect of their (Interpol's) activities during a major fraud investigation. Don't you Dumbasses ever watch James Bond movies? Geez.
  • The bullshit about the British High Command: the BHC has no jurisdiction whatsoever in the United States.If I'm not mistaken, neither does Interpol..I believe Interpol is an investigative type agency. It's headquartered in Fwance, so take it for what it's worth. That's not to say that Interpol is worthless, but I am skeptical of it nonetheless.
  • Some of the grammatical; mistakes alone send up a red flag the size of an 18 wheeler right away. Notice "canadians" and "several signal transaction" and other stuff that leads me to believe that some guy in Nigeria is the author of this crap. The do a lot of internet scamming in Nigeria.
  • The Dumbass who wrote this also says that his group is backed by the United Nations! Oh, my God! Run for the hills! Not the UN! I say, fuck the UN! Sideays. With a rusty BBQ grill brush. The UN is as useful as tits on a boar hog.
  • Notify the writer upon receipt of the email. Yeah, I'll get right on that. This deal stinks more and more by the word.
  • Don't tell anybody, you are instructed. That all by its own self says, "I am gonna rip you off so bad and so fast, you won't know what hit you, fucking idiot."
  • "Thank you for your understandin". If you understood you wouldn't be Dumbass enough to fall for this fraud!
  • The closing is a real beauty. "Faithfully"? Really? The only thing this asshole is faithful to is rippuing off and ripping you off bad. 
There's more, but I think you get the idea.

That's my Public Service Announcement for this week, so please remember that the British High Command and Interpol have absolutely no jurisdiction in the United States.If the High Sheriffs (FBI, Treasury Dept.et al) think you are involved in some high tech, high-level, international fraud scheme, and have sufficient evidence, you won get an email about it, they will be knocking down your door like a Mack Truck hit it with several US Army tanks at their disposal. And they won't be real nice when they slap the bracelets on you.

This post was almost serious. Do not make me go through this again. Got it?

Dumbass.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Dumbass Math: Group Sex + Drugs = SWAT Raid!

Oh, boy! Another threesome gone bad story! With a twist. Or two.

I find that marriage, even in the best of times, is quite a challenge. One man, one woman. Ain't that enough? Evidently not.

At least not for a Zephyrhills, Florida couple.

Here's the deal:

The Deal

Lucky to Still Have Gazebos
Mindi and David Hill are both 29 years old and married. To each other. However, they have a 24 year old lady friend is who very close to them. Or should I say used to be very close to them. She was a close enough friend to have been invited to join them in a menage a three. OK, you male Dumbasses, put your tongues back in your mouths, I am about to bust your bubble.

So Dave. Mindi and the friend, we'll call her Susie, all get nekkid and bump uglies. They also shot themselves up with prescription drugs. This is very bad joo joo. Especially when there are firearms involved. Did I not mention that this threesome of freaked out fornicators also had a pistol handy? They did.

After getting smashed then doing the Dirty Deed all together, the three Dumbasses passed out. Mindi woke up to David trying to "get some" from Susie and it pissed Mindi off - because she was not in on the orgy! The mere fact that her husband was schtooping some other slut right in front of her eyes was not Mindi's main concern. Her main bitch was the fact that she was not in on the action!

Then the real fun started.

Extracurricular Action

Having been left out of the group grope, Mindi did what any spurned whore would do under the circumstances - she grabbed a pistol. She then threatened to shoot Susie and to add an exclamation point to her argument, Mindi fired off a round from the pistol into the ceiling! Dave took exception to Minid's lack of decorum with their concubine and immediately sprang to his feet grabbed Mindi by the check with his best WWE choke hold, snagged the gun from her and for added emphasis, with the gun very near Mindi's skull, squeezed of  a shot into the wall and said to Mindi, and I am quoting here, "Bitch, I'll fucking kill you!"

This series of events alarmed Susie who quickly escaped and called the cops.

More Family Fun!

I am not making this up. As evidence I offer you part of the report from the Tampa Bay Times, "The husband and wife refused to come outside, so the SWAT team assembled.
The standoff lasted two hours. The couple eventually came outside voluntarily, but Mr. Rice fought with deputies who shocked him with a Taser. He ran back inside, barricading doors, but was persuaded to give up by negotiators.
The couple remained in jail Thursday, charged with aggravated assault.
Mr. Rice was also charged with obstructing officers and held without bail. He was supposed to be in court for a trial Sept. 4 to face charges of burglary, grand theft and possession of oxycodone, court records state.
Mrs. Rice, held in lieu of $5,000 bail, was sentenced in June to two years of felony probation for credit card fraud, according to the Florida Department of Corrections. Authorities said she stole the credit card in 2011 so she could bail her husband out of jail" 

A Lesson for Dumbasses of the Male Persuasion

It is abundantly clear that the old adage "a man can't stock two shelves" comes into play here. Guys, no matter how much you'd like to "enhance your marriage", meaning "screw your neighbor lady", this is what happens when you attempt to mess with the Natural Order of Things. Just when you think, "All right! I'll finally get to bag Cindy from next door", your wife will, because that's what wives do, get insanely jealous of your tryste with Cindy and want to a) shoot your philandering ass or b) give you a rusty butter knife gazebo-ectomy. Pick your poison, if you must.

Fellow Male Dumbasses, I tell you this with love, concern for the well-being of gazebos everywhere and the purest of dumbassery in my heart.

Stay away from threesomes. Or at least hide the pistol.

Dumbasses.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Chick w/Duct Taped Boobs Beats Up Three Cops!

Best of Dumbass News

You know, I am getting pretty damned fed up with this shit. "This shit" being that Dumbasses everywhere are giving Duct Tape bad PR. It all started back in March when a couple of nekkid Dumbasses decided to get their freak on then take a drive around Portland, Oregon. On that occasion Duct Tape was used to bind the Lady Dumbass up like she was being kidnapped. Now if the Lady Dumbass had a nice rack on her then this would not be Duct Tape Abuse, but this is Portland, Oregon we're talking about here, so that is doubtful. How do I know? Have you ever seen pictures of the women in Portland who would drive around town nekkid with their hooters bound by Duct Tape? I rest my case.

Well, the demeaning of that most valuable of Redneck Tool Box Accessories continues out on the Left Coast. This time by a stripper wanna be from Seattle. As you know, Seattle is a veritable mother lode of Dumbasses and the Communist and Suicide Haven Because It's Gray and Rainy A Lot Capital of the United States.

I. Ain't. Happy.

A Night on the Town

A woman whose name we do not know but we'll call "MoonBeam" had had enough of the Commie bullshit and rampant suicide going on in her town, so she decided that a night out would be a good thing.

MoonBeam got all painted up and dressed up for her big excursion into the night life of Seattle and headed to a local night club. This is mere conjecture on my part, but I think it will be borne out by the end of this story, upon arrival at the club, MoonBeam began to drink a copious amount of Mad Dog 20/20. Soon she was obviously drunk. I say that because at some point later in the evening, MoonBeam began to take off her clothes. While still inside the night club.

Enter the Duct Tape


MoonBeam peeled off her shirt exposing her knockers then reached into her purse and pulled out some pink Duct Tape. At this point, she began to wrap the Duct Tape around her boobage when a club bartender and a female patron intervened and politely said, "Bitch, leave the club now!", but not in those exact words.  MoonBeam would have none of this interference, so she proceeded to give the two interlopers an old fashion beat down.

The cops were called.

The cops get to the scene and MoonBeam, with her hammers firmly ensconced in pink Duct Tape, ran from them and tried to hide in the Ladies' Room of a nearby KFC/Taco Bell joint. Now, if I am the cops and I'm looking around for a female suspect in the nearby KFC/Taco Bell, the Ladies' Room would be a good place to check out. If there are no ladies with their tits wrapped in pink Duct Tape in there, you move on with the investigation. Alas, MoonBeam was in there and the police handcuffed her and led her out of the restaurant to the Police Cruiser.

MoonBeam was not amused.

More Fun!

It was at this point that, according to the Law, MoonBeam "freaked out". By "freaked out" I think the Seattle PD meant that MoonBeam kicked the shit out of three of Seattle's Finest. Further, by "kicked the shit out of", I mean one cop severed a tendon in one of his fingers, another suffered a slight concussion when MoonBeam gave him a round house kick to the skull and yet a third cop suffered a dislocated jaw!

There was no word whether the pink Duct Tape kept MoonBeam's hammers in place, but inquiring minds want to know.

Regardless, MoonBeam and her boobies will now spend a large portion of the next decade as a guest of the State of Washington. After the ass kickin' she gave the cops, it has yet to be determined whether she will do her time in a men's or a women's prison.  

Or! the State of Washington could send her to Portland, Oregon. I hear there's a Duct Tape-loving couple there that is looking for a new friend.

Duct Tape not included.

Dumbass.

Friday, June 21, 2013

D_MB_SS: I'd Like to Buy a Vowel, Pat

On TV game shows, things don't always go as planned. You put people in an atmosphere where they could win a shitload of money and/or prizes, and things could, unintentionally, turn ugly real quick.

I remember watching Wheel of Fortune (I think) long ago and the puzzle looked like this "N*GGER". That is a recipe for disaster. At first glance, it looks very much like a racial epithet waiting to happen. But the correct answer was "NAGGER". Still, what a dumbass thing to even let the appearance of something so vile be a part of the game.

Such an incident, while very rare, is not limited to American TV. There are plenty of Dumbasses in other countries too. In England, the standards for TV are quite different than those of the USA. They are a little more "liberal" across the pond. For instance, I have seen episodes of some Chef Ramsey show of one kind or another where the word "shit" is not bleeped out. On other shows on whatever over the air dumbass UK channel you'll see women with their "assets" exposed for all to see.

Which brings us to our story for the day.

In Jolly Old England, on Channel 4, they air a show called "Countdown", which I gather is a lot like Wheel of Fortune. But the British are very lucky because this show, Countdown, has neither hide nor hair of Keith Olberdouche associated with it. However, Countdown is not immune from its own Dumbass Moments.

Not long ago, the show had a puzzle with the following letters in it: "DTCEIASHF". Take a  minute to look it over and try to figure out what could possibly go wrong. I am gonna go check the mail, and I expect an answer from you when I get back. Your time starts now.

OK, I'm back. If you guessed "SHITFACED", you have solved the word puzzle the exact same way the contestant on the show did. While this a perfectly legitimate answer, the Dumbass producers of this show made a decision to re-tape the show (!) because of this answer, relegating this segment to the cutting room floor and thus keeping the show's "squeaky clean" reputation in tact.

What the fuck? You Dumbasses were the ones to allow this word puzzle on to your show, and then some poor schlub gives a perfectly good answer and you shitcan it? For the sake of preserving your reputation? It's not like you Dumbasses have any "standards" or anything. You dickweeds canceled Benny Hill for God's sake. Well, maybe not Channel 4, but the same assholes that run British TV canceled Benny Hill. And these idiots all of the sudden have scruples? Pardon me while I heave.

Solve this puzzle you British TV censor bitches. CUFK OYU MUDBESSSA.

I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Hypnotize Dumbasses on the Street & Make Millions!

Best of Dumbass News

Boston. Beantown. At Least We Ain't New Yawk, But We Wish We Had That Many World Series Championships. Whatever you want to call it, Boston is a city that is as full of American history and tradition as any city in the country. Paul Revere, the Red Sawx, the Boston Tea Party and really exceptional Dumbasses - all part of Boston, baby.

For Example...

Chicanery in Chinatown

A 57 year old woman was in Boston's Chinatown doing a little grocery shopping when she was approached by three women. The women began asking the lady questions and after several minutes, one of the trio handed the shopper a plastic bag. They then instructed her to go home, fill the bag with a shit load of loot and meet them later at Boston Commons.

She did. The lady filled the bag with a valuable necklace, a jade bracelet, her passport and $160,000 in cash! The Nice Lady then proceeded to the Commons where she willfully handed over her life savings to the three con women. The Nice Lady is a Dumbass.

I feel the need to jump in here and make a point or two.

Point 1) I may be in the monority, but if three strange Asian women were to instruct me to go home and cram a couple of hundred large worth of cash and jewelry into a Wal Mart bag, I'd have a tendency to become a bit suspicious. That's just how I roll.

Point 2) IF I ever reach a point in my life where my mental condition deteriorates to the point that I would even consider doing something so blatantly STOOPID, I hereby authorize anyone reading this post to promptly and mercifully put a .45 hollowpoint into my skull. I thank you in advance.

Keep Your Eyes on the Shiny Object

This same kind of crime has happened twice since the one above and all of the sudden the (I am not making the name of this organization up) Chinese Progressive Association (Commies?) has alerted its members "to remain vigilant when approached by strangers". That's odd, I tell my 6 year old daughter the same thing. The difference is that she seems to get it.

The Dumbass that heads up the Commies, I mean Chinese Progressive Association, says that he believes the victim was hypnotized by the three scammers. He backs this up with the solid evidence that his mother told him of thieves using hypnosis on their victims in his native Hong Kong. (No relation to King Kong or Donkey Kong)

That settles that! I gotta find me a How-to book on this Hypnotizing Dumbasses into Willingly Handing Over to Me Hundreds of Thousands of Dollars in Cash and Jewelry stuff. Then, I am moving to Boston. Chinatown specifically. Supply and demand. Beantown supplies the Dumbasses and the Dumbasses supply me - with millions of dollars!

Put. Me. In. Coach!

Other Etnic Groups

I see a potential trend here. If this kind of shit can be pulled on Asians, why not open up a market for Meskins, Eye-talians or Micks? Boston is a multi-cultural city after all. And I do not discriminate against any group. I don't care if you are the Mayor of Boston, if a person is a Dumbass (and from what I hear, the current mayor of Boston, Thomas "Mumbles" Menino is a Dumbass {and a Commie}) the person is a target, baby. And I aim to please.

America! What a country!

蠢驴. (Dumbasses)

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Dear Bank Guys: I Ain't Dead! Signed, Live Lady

Best of Dumbass News
Dead to Me

Her bank says she's dead, so she must be, right? Wrenella Pierre says the rumors of her demise are greatly exaggerated. She's even filed a lawsuit saying so.

Let me splain.

According to JP Morgan Chase Bank in Oviedo, Florida, Wrenella met an untimely death. They sent her family a note of condolence, notified credit reporting agencies, etc. Mrs. Pierre has tried on several occasions to get the bank to fix the problem, but so far nothing has worked.

Since JP Morgan Chase Bank won't recognize her as not dead, Wrenella says her credit rating has gone to hell. Quick question. How can a dead person (or presumably dead person) have their credit ruined, and further, why and how can it matter to them if they are DEAD? But, I digress. At any rate, Wrenella Pierre keeps telling JP Morgan Chase Bank, "Hey! Look at me! I am NOT dead!" The bank, however, insists that she is dead.

Just ask her.

Mrs. Pierre has now hired an attorney to help her fix this situation, but so far, no luck.

She's still dead.

You'd think that solving a problem like this would be fairly easy to do. The bank says you're dead, you say, "No, I'm not", go to the bank, show them your ID and you are indeed still alive and a few computer keystrokes and BINGO! All is well and everyone lives happily ever after. Alas, this is not the case with Wrenella Pierre.

I have an idea that could clear up this whole mess in about five minutes. Wrenella should go buy a couple of $100,000 Mercedes, miss a payment or two and the dipshits at JP Morgan Chase Bank will know you're still alive right quick.

I promise.

Dumbasses.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

The End?


I'm takin' the weekend off.

I've got a lot to think about.

I may be back.

Maybe not.

I don't know.

Go to the "Search Box" in the right hand side bar and type in "Dumbass of the Year". You'll get eight pages of some USDA (United States Dumbass Association) Approved High Grade Dumbassery.

Adios.

Dumbasses.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Toasted: Teen Assaulted by Sister Over Piece of Bread!

Over the past almost 3 years, I have written about some real Dumbass Stuff on these very pages. And when I say "Dumbass", I mean people with the I.Q. of a spitwad.

These spitwads include the guy who was stranded on an island for five days just offshore in California before even trying to use his cell phone! This has been one of the most popular posts since I started the blog. This fact leads me to believe that many of you have been through a similar experience only you didn't use you cell phone to call for help, you sent smoke signals.....from a joint. Sheesh.

Then there was the one about the guy who was "short-changed" by a hooker, so he sued her! What of value will he get from a hooker? Stilletos? STDs? What the hell ever, let's move on.

Our little adventure into Dumbass Land today takes us again to the Sunshine State of Florida, where a Stoopid Broad goes ape shit over toast.

Yes, toast.

Gettin' Toasted

Maria Acevedo, our Dumbass of the Day, came home one afternoon to find her sixteen year old sister using her (Maria's) bread to GASP! make toast! I swear, young people today, what won't they do?

Maria took exception to this event and scolded her younger sibling with great vigor and excitement. And by "scolding with great vigor and excitement" I mean Maria beat the dawg shit out of her sister. See? Maria was very excited.

Here' where the "great vigor" part comes into play. Maria vigorously pounded the sister with a six inch metal frying pan about the head and shoulders and the upper extremities of her body. And as if that wasn't vigorous enough, Maria also pulled her sister's hair and smashed her skull against the floor. And all this "vigor" took place after the sister apologized!

Arrest and incarceration ensued.

What I Think 

Maria, Maria, Maria. Just what are we gonna do with you, young lady? There are several issues concerning this incident that I'd like to address.

1) It's not a very smart thing to do to beat the snot out of a minor, especially when you are of the majority age. Can you say "felony"?

2) My "assaulting a minor" advice to Maria is: NEVER and I mean NEVER use a frying pan to try and crack open a young person's skull. This, too, is known as a felony. And maybe attempted murder.

3) One last thing, Maria...sell some of that crack you've been smoking and soon you'll have enough cash flow to buy a whole damn bread truck.

You're welcome.

Dumbass.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Guy Smothered to Death By Boobies!

Breast Best of Dumbass News

Boobs. Knockers. Hooters. Hammers. Tits. Sweater puppies. Whatever we choose to call them, female mammary glands are a mainstay topic here at Dumbass News.

From the lingerie saleslady that was fired from her job because her heat seekers were too big to the stoopid broad who used her breast implants to smuggle cocaine, we've had a grip boobs news like no other web site in the world for almost two and a half years.

Despite the wide range and sheer volume of stories about ta-tas on this blog, new boobies stories come to our attention every day, none odder than the one we'll cover today.

Assault Hooters

Deadly in the Wrong Hands
A couple (of people, not knockers) got into a domestic disturbance. This little confrontation was "lively" enough that concerned neighbors called the Law.

At some point in the argument the female half of the dueling duo pinned her male counterpart down to the ground and laid on top of him. Somehow, the guy's face became buried between the woman's boobs. 99% of the time this would be an enviable position for a guy, or a lezbean, to be in. Such was not the case in this instance. I'm sure that right now there is at least one Dumbass in each of the 163 countries that read Dumbass News wondering, "Since when is it a bad thing for a man to have his mug firmly ensconced twixt a set of sweater puppies?" That's a fair question and there's a reasonable explanation for it. The dude couldn't breathe which lead to a condition known as DEATH! Smothered into the hereafter by boobs!

This story brings to mind the Dumbass who was cheating on his wife and kicked the bucket in mid hump of a threesome. I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb when I say that many of the male Dumbasses reading this post would be more than happy to keel over chin to chest with a woman and her hammers or in a Dumbass a trois. All I can say about that is that you are some sick, twisted fuckers. In other words, my kind of people.

It comes as no surprise that, like several Dumbasses reading this, the Lady With the Assault Boobs was drunk at the time of the incident. I don't know if the guy was drunk or not as he was unavailable for comment because he is DEAD! 

The woman was arrested and is facing 2nd degree murder charges.

Oh, yeah one more thing...this whole ordeal took place in a trailer park.

Figgers.

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Groom-to-Be Boinks Babe at Bachelor Party; Bride-to-Be Sues Him for $63,000!

Marriage is a Sacrament  that bonds a man and a woman together forever, in body and in spirit, a union that is Holy as ordained by God.

Getting to the alter however sometimes proves, shall we say, to be problematic. Especially if the Dumbass Groom has a bachelor party and he bumps uglies with a woman he met there. It's even worse when the bride-to-be finds out about the groom-to-be's "indiscretion". And to make matters even worse, if that's possible at this point, the jilted woman is an attorney. Complicating things even more is the fact that the Dumbass Groom-to-be is a lawyer, too!

The Mrs. Dumbass-To-Be was scorned and hell hath no fury and all that. It goes without saying that Mrs. Almost a Dumbass called off the wedding because the groom couldn't keep his thang in his pants. Now the spurned bride has filed a lawsuit against the Dumbass Groom to the tune of 63 Large. From the UPI story we find out, "The suit, which alleges breach of the promise to marry and intentional infliction of emotional distress, is seeking reimbursement totaling $62,814 for expenses including the wedding dress, bridesmaid's dresses, wedding invitations, a band reservation and non-refundable plane tickets and hotel reservations for a honeymoon in Bora Bora."

What the hell was this Dumbass thinking? Bumping uglies with some chick at your bachelor party is about as dumbass as a groom-to-be can get. It also tends to piss off the bride-to-be. And that ain't good. Especially when she's a lawyer. By the way, the boinkee in this saga said she had no idea that the Dumbass was involved with anyone. I guess the fact that it was a bachelor party and that there was a wedding coming up was a little above this broad's head.

I have absolutely no sympathy for the Dumbass Groom. He's an idjit.

Dude, if you're gonna nail some broad at your own bachelor party, make sure she's a stripper or something, and the boinking is cheap and superficial at best. However, the sure fire way to avoid a situation like this is to keep your penis in your pants!

The penis and $63,000 you save may be your own.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The Three R's: Reading, 'riting & Rampaging

I am happy to help out a trio of young men to realize their potential as Young Dumbasses. They certainly have an impressive starting point upon which to build a foundation of their lifes' dreams. Because of this, these fine young men will soon be World Renown Dumbasses. Their legacy will be one of the stuff of Dumbass Legend.

These three Young Dumbasses thought that they needed to have some fun. So, did they go to a movie? No. Did they go to one of their homes and play video games? Nope. They thought it necessary to break into an elementary school and have some Young Dumbass Fun. Young Dumbass Fun includes "causing over $50,000 worth of damage to the school, including broken windows and destroyed lockers. They broke into the school office and pulled all the school records out of the file drawers and ran them through the paper shredder. Determined to do as much damage as possible, they started piling trash in the middle of the floor, along with the contents of all the desk and file drawers." 

Then the Real Dumbass Fun took place.

"When they got bored with trashing the place, they played with the copy machine, taking prints of their backsides and faces. Being the neat and tidy boys they were, they kept the copies they liked and threw the ones they didn’t like into a nearby trash can. The sheriff looked in the trash cans the next morning and found perfect mug shots of each of the boys involved.”

It's so nice to see that our young people are so ambitious and willing to show that when you do something, it's worth doing right.

I'm sure they'll be Model Parents as well.

A for effort.

D for Dumbass.

Monday, June 10, 2013

83 Year Old Wal Mart Greeter Robs Wally World Where He Works!

I like Old People. Hell, I am almost an Old People myself.

Old Farts have a lot to offer those around them. They didn't get to be Old People by being stoopid. But sometimes when People get to be Old People they transform into Old Stoopid People. Take, for instance, George Plane, Jr. of Statesville, North Carolina. George was just a nice Old Man working as a greeter at the local WalMart when Satan took over his Soul. At this point George went from Nice Old Man to Nice Old Man Who Is Now a Dumbass Felon.

Let me splain.
This is NOT George!

George was doing his duty as a WalMart greeter making shoppers feel welcomed when he left his post and went outside to his car. While there, George put on a disguise and went back into the store. He hauled ass (as much an 83 year old man can haul ass) to the Garden Department and pulled out a pistol! George pointed the gun at a Garden Department employee and demanded all the cash in the register. During this felonious assault, George the Old Dumbass Felon fired a shot into the air. A couple of things here. I'm thinking that a gun shot inside the WalMart might garner some attention. But that's just me.

Second, and more important, an 83 year old man in a disguise just might strike some people as odd. For God's sake, did this Old Felonious Dumbass really think that nobody would recognize him? 83 year old dudes in some weird get up are not what you'd expect to see at the local WalMart store. I'm thinkin' that George stood out like a guy in a white sheet and a pointed hat at an NAACP rally. I'm just sayin'.

George got the cash from the register, then used his walker to make a bee line for his car and make good his escape. But, George didn't make it far when he was stopped by the cops for Driving While Not Able to See Over the Steering Wheel and armed robbery, but mostly armed robbery. Upon arresting George, one of the cops said (I am not making mthis up), "He appeared to be in good shape". Except for the fact that he was eaten up with The Stoopid!

Dumbass.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

The Luggage Handler in the Jet's Cargo Hold Game!

Oh, boy, do we have a good Dumbass story today! And it's another Dumbass on the plane story!

A couple of years ago we posted this story on a pilot who fell asleep at the controls of a passenger jet. What you are about to read isn't quite that stoopid, but, still, it's pretty damn stoopid.

Let me splain.

In the Bag

If you've ever been to an airport you've seen the guys who put your luggage in the cargo hold of a jet. They have their little cart with all the suitcases on it and they (the baggage handlers) are charged with taking the luggage of the cart and putting it onto the waiting plane. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong you are turbulance breath!

At one of the airports in Washington, D.C., the Luggage Guys put all the suitcases on the plane. They also loaded something else onto the plane. By "something else" I of course mean a baggage handler"!

What could possibly go wrong?

This little incident begs the question, "How the hell can you put a guy in the cargo hold of a jet liner and not notice that something was amiss? I don't know either, but the Dumbasses at the Washington, D.C. airport evidently have it down to a science. Another question. Why in the name of all that is Holy was the guy so far inside the cargo hold that nobody could see him? Was the Dumbass smoking a joint in there? Was he getting ready to take a nap? Or is he just a Dumbass? I think you know my answer to that question.

Anyway, passengers on the jet heard some sounds coming from beneath the floor of the passenger compartment of the plane and wisely alerted a stewardess, who then notified the Captain who then notified the ground crew that there was a Dumbass in the cargo hold of the jet! Another small detail to this story is that the Dumbass in the cargo hold is the guy who was supposed to drive the tractor-looking thing that pushes the jet into a position on the tarmac so it can taxi onto the runway and  take off to its destination! Thanks to the alert passengers, the Dumbass Tractor-looking Thing Driver and Luggage Handler was freed from the cargo hold unharmed and he went on to push the plane from the gate and send it on its merry way.

After almost a full two minutes of thinking, I have determined that this event could be made into a little game that luggage handlers in airports all across the country could play with their Fellow Luggage Handling Dumbasses. The object of the game would be to lock a luggage guy in the cargo hold of the plane then guess where he will end up when the plane reaches its destination! Of course, everybody would have to place a little money in a pot to be held in a secure place until the Dumbass in the cargo hold calls and says, "Thanks, guys! I ended up in Honolulu! And fuck you all I ain't coming back!" The Fellow Luggage Handling Dumbass who guessed closest to the actual place the stowaway landed would win the pot! Doesn't that sound like fun? Don't be surprised when this game of "Hide the Dumbass in the Cargo Hold and Guess Where He'll End Up" is a smash hit with luggage guys in airports nationwide!

Dumbasses.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Eye-talian Soo-preme Court: Phone Sex Ain't Hookin'

There are times when even the greatest country in the history of Mankind, the United States, can look to its overseas brethren for guidance and inspiration.

Granted these time are extremely rare, because the rest of the world is completely off its collective nut (as a whole), and generally has little to offer us in the way of making our lives better. Is that a Snobbish American Dumbass Attitude? Maybe. Is it the truth? Definitely. Sorry, Other Countries of the World.

In one case Italy is our Beacon of Hope. The lighthouse in the distance after weeks in a stormy sea. The shining city at the top of the hill. The...oh, hell, you get the idea.

The Background Story

Some Eye-talian guy named Giancarlo ( a nom de phone john) was charged with the Eye-talian equivalent of solicitation of prostitution not for offering money to a hooker for sexual favors, but for paying a phone sex pro to talk dirty to and, presumably, give a jolly to a business client!

Say what?

If this is indeed the case, then AOL is, or was, the biggest hooker solicitor in the history of the world. After all, ten of millions of people used to pay AOL for services that eventually led to phone sex, if what I have read is true. AOL executives had to have some idea that this sort of lewd and lascivious behavior was taking place, right? They are (were), by its very definition, procurers of prostitutes!

Or not.

Eye-talian Supreme Court
The Court Ruling

This travesty in the name of Justice was rightly appealed time and again, finally reaching the Eye-talian Supreme Court. The High Court ruled for Giancarlo saying, "Verbally servicing an interlocutor for the purpose of sexual excitement does not constitute a sexual service, if it does not involve the bodily erogenous zones of the person who is getting paid for such a service." In other words in this case, if the "service provider" does not physically touch the pee pee of the "service seeker", then it ain't prostitution.

I agree.

If such an act were considered an act of prostitution, then what would the act of willingly driving nekkid and duct taped through a major US city for sexual gratification be considered? Organ-ized crime? ("organ"-ized. hahahahaha)

Keep Phone Sex Legal and Safe

The United States of America should and must be at the forefront in the fight to keep phone sex safe and legal. I mean, many Americans are standing up for other things that are considered out of the ordinary to the mainstream of society. Like homos getting "married". Single people adopting children. Homos adopting children! Homos adopting single people!

If phone sex is criminalized what will be next? Playboy Magazine? Penthouse? National Geographic?

I don't give a damn about phone sex as long as the participants are consenting adults and no children or small animals are involved in their "conversations". As I see it, no harm, no foul (generally speaking). I only care about phone sex on the occasional Saturday night when Mrs. Fearless Leader and I play "A T & T", if you know what I mean and I think you do. I especially enjoy the "Caller I.D." part of our little game. :) But, I digress.

Gubmint Intrusion

This is just another example of why Europe is a cess pool of Socialism - the gubmint getting involved in even the tiniest part of our private lives. This also is a prime example of why the US should stay away from the policies of people (see Obama, Barry) that tend to micromanage our very existence.

Let me put it this way, the Eye-talian Gubmint, which the 4 billionth Eye-talian Gubmint since the end of the Big One, WW2, spent countless millions of dollars prosecuting a guy for setting up a phone sex deal for a business client while their economy crumbles like an Oreo in the hands of a fat kid. This makes perfect sense to me. <---That's molasses-thick sarcasm there, folks.

Now if we could just get Liberals and homos to join the cause of smaller and less intrusive gubmint, then some of the things they actually believe in (both of them!) might come to fruition.

I think we stand a better chance of getting Socialism and all its glorious failure out of Europe.

What was I thinking?

Dumbasses.


***Hat tip HuffPo***

Friday, June 7, 2013

"Disabled" Lady Goes Zip-lining, Spins Wheel on "Price Is Right" While Collecting Workman's Comp! Gubmint Is Pissed Off!

A little background.....

Many of you will be familiar with what I am about to write, however, many more of you won't be.

I recently went through the ordeal of being declared "disabled" by the Federal Gubmint. And by "ordeal" I of course mean two and a half years of constant, soul-crushing appeasement, doctor's visits and filling out enough paper work to reach to Saturn and back.

Thank God, I had an attorney to handle much of this gargantuan task for me.

I am beset with severe osteo-arthrits, fibromyalgia and a shit load of 3 and 4 letter mental illness syndromes/disorders. I'm not complaining, that's just the way it is. There are others with health issues that make mine look like a mosquito bite in comparison. What they must endure going through this process is not only stressful as hell, it is, at times, demeaning and brutal.

My point is that no matter how apparent the medical difficulties one faces, the Feds don't give a shit. After all, I worked from the time I was about 10 years old shining shoes at Wade Wood's barber shop next to Wakefield's Grocery in Irving, Texas until November of 2009 walking sometimes eight miles a day back and forth from my house to my job at Best Buy in Augusta, Maine - in spite of all my health issues. This doesn't make me a "hero", it does, however, make me one determined SOB.

Did I mention that the money I was trying to get from the Gubmint was MINE? Yup, the Feds were kind enough to withhold a certain percentage of every dollar I earned for over FORTY years and then forced me to wander aimlessly through a maze bureaucratic bullshit for almost three years before I could get my own damn money back from those bastards?

Bottom line: this is not an easy undertaking.

Unless you lie.

And cheat.

Like Cathy Cashwell.

Cathy Cashwell, Come On Down!

A North Carolina woman's workers' compensation claim was exposed as a fraud when she appeared on The Price is Right and spun the "big wheel" twice.
Cathy Wrench Cashwell, a former mail carrier, claimed she couldn't lift mail trays into a truck due to an on-the-job shoulder injury in 2004, WRAL reports. She pleaded guilty to fraud on Monday.
In September 2009, Cashwell appeared on The Price is Right, where she "raised her left arm above her head and gripped the handle with her left hand," according to an indictment filed last fall. On a second spin, "she raised both arms above her head and gripped the same handle with both hands."
Cashwell was later spotted zip-lining on vacation with her husband in 2010 and lifting and carrying bags of groceries with both arms in 2011.
Federal investigators said Cashwell lied on her workers' compensation claim when she wrote she couldn't stand, sit, kneel, squat, climb, bend, reach or grasp. - Toronto Sun
My Observations  
  • WTF?
  • "...couldn't stand, sit, kneel, squat, climb, bend, reach or grasp...". She must have had a helluva time trying to take a piss.
  • Until now, I was unaware that a shoulder injury prevented one from "standing, kneeling or squatting". 
  • If one can not sit nor stand, what does one do, levitate?
  • This broad must have been wearing a full body cast.
  • How did she zip-line in a full body cast?
  • Oh, wait! There was no full body cast because this Dumbass is a lying sack of aardvark dookey.
  • Instead of "The Price Is Right", she should have gone on "Jeopardy". Those little hand held buzzers can't be that heavy. "I'll take "Fraud & Felonies" for 600, Alex.
  • I don't know which is more scary, the fact that Cathy is a thieving dipstick or that the Federal Gubmint followed her all over the place in order to gather all this information on her.
  • Is the Gubmint spying on me, too? Remember I am disabled just like Cathy. Except for real.
  • The Gubmint can kiss my ass.
  • So can Cathy.
Dumbass.
***Hat Tip to Dumbass Keith Jones***

Thursday, June 6, 2013

3 AM Knock on Door by Guy in Clown Mask Is Bad Ju Ju

People are strange, as Jim Morrison wrote lo so many years ago. They (meaning "we") suffer from some weird shit. Me? I am scared to death of heights, so I suffer from dumbassis tallus itis. Some people are afraid to go outside which, in the parlance of the American Psychiatric Association, is known simply as "stupid as fuck". Then there are those who are actually scared shitless of clowns. This affliction is known as "bozo erectus areyoukiddingme sigmund freud syndrome", or coulrophobia.

After reading today's story we should all be very afraid of grown men who paint their faces up like ancient Zulu warriors in order to amuse people, or as they are known in San Francisco, protesters.

But, I digress.

Sawin' Logs

Let's assume it's 2:55 in the morning, you are sleeping off a major bender and all of a sudden, there's a knock at your door. Under these circumstances, I am grabbing the nearest double barrel 12 gauge and s-l-o-w-l-y approaching the door. If I am still drunk enough, I shoot first, then approach the door. Again, I digress.

This is exactly what happened to a Boca Raton, Florida couple recently. Except for the drunk part. I made that up for dramatic effect.

Instead, however, of being leery of someone knocking at their door at nearly 3 AM (!), the female part of the couple answered the damn door! What could possibly go wrong? Let me tell you what could possibly go wrong. There could be a guy in a scary clown mask at your door just a-chompin' at the bit to steal 120 Klonopin tablets (Klonopin is BAD, BAD joo joo), expensive watches, your wallet and all its contents including credit cards and cash -  what could possibly go wrong.
Klonopin Krazed Klown

Clown-o-phobia

If you weren't skeered of clowns before this little incident you will be now. Except for one thing. You know the guy in the scary clown mask. How do you know that you know the guy in the scary clown mask? He lifts up the mask to reveal his identity! Well, hell! I feel all better now! Did I mention that Bozo has two friends with him and they are carrying crow bars? He did and they were.

So, the three clown Dumbasses enter the home swipe the Klonopin (I'm tellin' ya, this is some nasty shit!), $5000 worth of watches and the wallet, plastic and cash.

The lady later ID'ed the clown who lifted up his mask and he and his buddies were soon busted by the Boca PD.

Take Aways 
  1. I do not answer the door at 3 AM unless the voice on the other side is that of my Mother. I am still shooting first, though. If it really is Mom, I'll apologize for blasting her to Kingdom Come and she'll understand. And maybe even forgive me. I am an only son, after all.
  2. Ditch the Klonopin. I can't even begin to tell you what that stuff can do to a normal human bean.
  3. If you know a guy that dresses up like a clown and shows up at your door at 3 o'clock in the morning with two guys carrying crowbars, it's time to find some new friends.
  4. You deserve whatever Fate deals you if you keep five thousand dollars worth of watches and Klonopin in the same place. 
  5. You are a Dumbass for all the above reasons.
So, the next time you are at the circus with the kids or grand kids, look at the funny clowns and think of this story, then tell it to the children with you. They'll see Bozo in a whole new light and they will never answer a 3AM knock at the door unarmed.

I promise.

And flush the damned Klonpin for Gawd's sake. That shit is nasty.

Dumbass.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

9 Years Ago Today, My Life Changed Forever - My Dad Died

Today's story is very personal. If you came looking for teh funnay, I can't bring it today. Having said that, I think many of you will relate to what I am gonna write about.

9 Years Ago Today

June 5, 2004 was just another day at the Dumbass Dome. So I thought.
Dad, Debbie, Adam & Sara, c. 1996

I was doing the normal routine - having a beer for breakfast, smokin' a fatty and getting tuned up for work. I was walking past the front door of my house when I saw a black Toyota zoom into my drive way. It was my sister, Cheryl. From Dallas. 100 miles away from where I lived. Instinct told me that something was wrong. Very wrong.

It was. Very wrong.

My Dad had died. Unexpectedly. He was 65 years old. Much too young to meet his Maker. He had been in the hospital for some tests, but I had no idea whatsoever that his condition was life-threatening.

Dad could not have just died. I saw him a couple of days before as he and his wife, Debbie, drove by my house on the way to theirs. I lived about a half-mile down the road, so I used to see Dad and Debbie drive by all the time. He looked OK, if not a bit skinny (for him). We chatted for a second or two and I told him, ,"I love you, Dad'. That was the last time I saw my Dad alive.

Those were the last words he heard me say.

My Dad

Cecil Shoemaker, Sr., October 6, 1938 - June 5, 2004, was Dad to five kids - me and my two sisters he had with my Mom and a brother and sister he had with my Step Mom, Debbie. Dad was a Country Boy from Troup, Texas. He was a truck driver (CB Handle - "Gunslinger". Dad loved Western movies, especially John Wayne) for over 40 years and countless millions of miles. A simple man who worked hard for everything he got.

He was tough as nails and soft as cotton at the same time. Contradictory? Maybe, but that was the way he was. An enigma. I must say here, however, that the "soft as cotton" side of my Father came a bit later in life. He'd agree with that, I'm sure.

On my birthday one year, I coaxed Dad into going fishing at Joe Poole Lake near Dallas. We were having a few beers and chunkin' spinner baits along side a tree line in the water and BAM! I had one! It turned out to be a largemouth bass weighing about four pounds. Dad was at the back of the boat smiling like he'd just won the lottery. You know, I think at that moment he felt like he'd just become an instant millionaire. I was somewhere in my 30s when this all took place, but there was something in Dad's eyes that said he was watching his little boy land his first fish. You know what? I was that little boy landing that first fish. A flood of memories of fishing stock ponds in East Texas when I was a small child inundated my mind. Instead of being in my boat on a big ass lake near one of the nation's largest cities, there we were - Dad, me, Grandma, Grandpa, my sisters and my Mom - catching crappie on cane poles at my Uncle Walter's place in Betty, Texas. Dad was beaming like I had just become a BASSMasters Champion. Like I was a little boy again. And for a split second, he was "Daddy" and I was five years old.

I shall never forget that moment.

Or Dad.

You Never Know

Nobody was expecting Dad to die that day nine years ago, but he did and we can't put sand back into the hourglass, so we all had to adjust to life without him. We have adjusted I suppose, but there are still times when I run into a situation and automatically think to myself, "I'll call Dad! He knows what to do!"

Then reality sets in as quick as a hiccup.

I write this today, not only to remember my Dad, but to remind you of yours. If he's still alive, call him once in a while. Have a beer with him. Take him fishin'. Most of all, tell him that you love him.

It may be the last words he ever hears from you.

Dumbass.

I love you, Dad.

British Schools Teach Kids How to Deal w/ a UFO Crash! (Guest Posted on "She Said What?")

My Guest Post is up and running on Steph Rogers' blog, She Said What?

Thanks, Steph for the opportunity to bug the hell out of enlighten your readers with a sample of Dumbass News! 

Guest Post

My name is Toby and I am a Dumbass. <----There's that A.A. theme again.
More precisely, I am the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. I can hear you now as you think to yourself, "Fearless Leader, huh? (1) That's a pretty lofty title for a Dumbass, ain't it? How does one go about getting a handle like 'Fearless Leader'? (2) Does he have to attend a "Fearless Leader University" or something? (3) Is it an inherited honor? What gives?"
Answering your questions in the order in which they were asked: 1) Yes, it is lofty. Only in a Dumbass sort of way. 2) No. 3) I made it up. The Dumbass Horde was already in existence, but there was a Great Void in the Fearless Leader Department, so I took it upon myself to stake claim to the title of Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Kind of like staking claim to a gold mine, except with Dumbasses.

Read the rest at She Said What?

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