Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: July 2013 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Long Lost Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

One of my favorite things about writing Dumbass News is the flexibility afforded me due to the nature of the blog's subject matter - Dumbassery. I mean Dumbassery can be found any and every where.

Even (and especially) in the thousands of newspapers printed daily in cities and towns, large and small, across the Fruited Plain.

That brings us to one of the most popular features (behind boobs and hookers) of Dumbass News:

Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!



One word: Bean-o.



Pesky bastards those lawyers.



What about the homeless hooters? Priortites, man! Priorities!



Research will be conducted in the Gulf of Kentucky.



And all those holes have been filled at one time or another.



I don't care.



So is waking up to Kathy Griffin without make up. 



They were thinking of hiring McDonalds employees.



Zsoitbltprtjhm?



Bottoms up!

Dumbasses.

***All Images from YouCanBeFunny.com***
***All Captions are Fearless Leader's Very Own***

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Dumbass Uses Baseball Bat to Rob Gun Store!

I have been watching this new reality show called "God, Guns & Automobiles" on The History Channel.

It stars this guy named Mark Muller, a God-fearing guy who owns a car dealership in a small town in Missouri. He also owns a lot of guns and blows a bunch of shit up. 'Merica!

Mark is also always coming up with these wild promotions that will hopefully help him sell a ton of cars.

On Sunday night's episode he did a deal where he bought a bunch of guns from many citizens of the town in hopes of the citizens using the money towards the purchase of a car from his dealership. There was a lot of subplot to this promotion, but the bottom line is he bought a mess of guns and sold a shit load of cars. (ed. note - the subplot involved getting some old unsafe guns out of circulation and maybe getting some good guns for Mark's private collection. The County Sheriff and local gun experts assisted in this promotion)

I like this show.

I also like the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America.

In today's story, the 2nd Amendment looms large.

Ready.....aim.....Dumbass.

Of Baseball Bats & Guns

There are few things more American than baseball and guns. Except maybe God and automobiles.
What a Country!

Anyhow, in The Other Portland (Oregon) some Dumbass thought it might be a good idea to perpetrate a robbery using a baseball bat as a weapon.

Normally, this might not be a bad way to commit a felony. That is if you were gonna knock over a McDonalds or a Bath and Body Works. What would either of these bidnesses do if a guy came in wielding a Louisville Slugger and acting bat shit crazy? Beat him up with a Quarter pounder with cheese? Spray him with the latest in fragrant skin care products?

But (!), our Dumbass, Derrick Mosley, wasn't trying to rip off a McD's or a Bath and Body Works. He was using the ball bat in order to rob a gun store!

Now, I can think of several reasons not to rob a gun store. The main reason that jumps right out at me is the fact that the employees of gun stores are armed with real live guns! To a baseball bat-totin' crack head, this might not be immediately apparent, but I can assure you that when a well-trained man with a Big Bad Ass Gun points a loaded Glock 9 mm pistol at you, the ball bat you are brandishing suddenly seems to lack the "Badness Factor".

That's what happened. Derrick went into the gun store with bad intent (and a baseball bat), smashed a gun display case with the bat, yanked out an unloaded pistol. While a pistol is intimidating, it is about as effective as a baseball bat if it is not loaded. It is at this point that the Gun Store Owner pulls his own pistol, which is loaded with ammunition designed to stop a man. And by "stop a man", I naturally mean "kill him DEAD".

Derrick Mosley will now pay his debt to society in an Oregon State Penitentiary. Or be "forced' to take anger management classes. This is the Left Coast we're talking about here.

Dumbasses.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Mid Year Dumbass of the Year Contenders - Part 2

Last Friday I gave you Dumbasses a rundown of potential Dumbass of the Year nominees for 2013.

Due to the fact that we bestow the the Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards in a number of categories, I wanted to be sure to give the breadth and scope of these annual accolades with another list of the contenders for the 2013 Dummies. 


Let us begin.

More Dumbass of the Year Contenders

  • Suffocated by Sweater Puppies - If you were to go back in time through the Dumbass News archives, you would discover that more than one set of Nature's Wonders have been featured on this blog. Out of all the boobs we have written about one and only ONE set of these Fun Bags has been deadly.
  • Dumbass Valentines Day Gift Ideas - Never let it be said that romance doesn't play a major role in the lives of Dumbasses.
  • Dumbasses Hold Memorial Service for Dead Bees - At Dumbass News, we pride ourselves on the fact that we are animal lovers of the highest magnitude. Specifically, we love our animals medium rare. But seriously folks...I am a gardener. As such, I understand the invaluable role that certain creatures play in helping to propagate my crops. I am talking of course of bees. Bees buzzing around, floating on the wind from flower to flower spreading the dust of life from plant to plant. Some people like bees a lot.
  • Kill Your Husband With a Poisoned Vajayjay - This is one of the Greatest Love Stories in the History of Dumbass News. It's the touching tale of a woman who wants to murder her husband, but she loves him enough to let him meet his Maker while gettin' some.
See what you have to look forward to at the end of the year?

The good thing is that we have five more months of this shit before we actually name a winner!

It brings a tear to my eye.

Dumbasses.





Sunday, July 28, 2013

Dumbass Steals $39,830 Chevy Tahoe, Trades It for $20 Worth of Crack!

Best of Dumbass News

Last week I bought a car. Not a new car, real good used one. I picked it up from a mechanic that I've been doing bidness with for a couple of years. I learned about Jim (the mechanic) from Mike the Maintenance Hombre here at our apartment complex. He has been working here for about two years and I know him pretty well, so I trust Mike's judgement. I figger that if a guy who fixes shit for a living recommends another guy who fixes other shit for a living, it's all good. Word of mouth advertising and all that.

Anyway, I went down to see Jim the Mechanic, found a car I liked, took a test drive, and bought it. Outright. Cash. It's mine.

This is more than I can say for Carlos Sergio Valdes of Austin, Texas.

Carlos and the Car

Carlos also recently paid a visit to a car dealer. Quick note: For all the Yoopers in the Dumbass Horde, "Carlos" is a Meskin name. I thought that I'd pass that on to you because I know that the only Meskins you have ever seen were on TV and the name "Carlos" prolly threw you for a loop because it ain't Fwench.

Back to Carlos...Carlos went to a Chebby dealer down in Austin under the pretense of buying a new automobile. But the Chevy Salesman that was helping Carlos out had no clue about the shenanigans good ol' Chuck had up his sleeve. Quick note, too: "Carlos" translates from Spanish to English as "Charles". Hence, "Chuck". Or "El Chuck-o". Take your pick. 

El Chuck-o and the Chevy Sales Guy had a nice car-buying conversation. Carlos was so impressed by the SUV that he took the brand spankin' new Chevy Tahoe on a test drive. Without permission! A quick look at Chevrolet's web site says that Tahoes are priced starting at $39,830. This is an important fact to remember.

Meanwhile, Back at the Chevrolet Dealership...

So here's Carlos on an unauthorized test drive in a $39,830 SUV. Nothing good could come from this, could it?

El Chuck-o was gone with the Tahoe for a couple of hours when he called the Austin Police Department to report the car stolen! The APD met with Carlos to discuss the stolen ride. He obliged them with the details of the theft and everything was cool. Until the cops later pulled over a woman driving the missing SUV.

She ratted out Carlos quicker than a fat kid sucks down a double dip chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cone. She indeed had gotten the Tahoe from Carlos - for two rocks of crack cocaine! Now where I come from, trading $20 worth of crack for a $39,830 Chevy Tahoe is a very good bidness deal. If you are the crack dealer. Where I come from this is also known as receiving stolen merchandise.

And a felony.

Observations
  • The Chevy Guy is an idjit.
  • Never let a guy with the name of "Sergio" as part of his moniker near a $39,830 automobile. This is very bad joo joo.
  • When you commit a felony like Grand Theft Auto, it's a very bad idea to call the cops. They have ways of figuring this kind of deal out.
  • If a guy is willing to steal a $39,830 SUV and trade it for $20 worth of crack cocaine, his life is fucked up because of said crack cocaine.
  • Crack cocaine must be some good shit. 
  • Chevy sucks. See: bailout; tax payers money; not yet paid back.
  • Can we the American Taxpayer repo General Motors since they still owe us billions of dollars? (I don't care what their TV ads say to the contrary) If you were to miss a car payment or two they'd snatch your wheels quick as a hiccup. Turnabout is fair play.
Dumbasses.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Dumbass: I Have a Toothache; Hey! I'll Get My Ex-Girlfriend to Fix It!

From April, 30, 2012

As a man who has said "I do" on more than one occasion, I can not emphasize to you the importance of maintaining at least a civil relationship with your former spouse. Doing so could save you a shit load of grief and misfortune at a later date. Trust. Me. On. This. One.
I do not speak with one of my former spouses, although I do not hold any ill will towards her. She has her life. I have mine. Our kids are all grown up now and they have and/or are in the process of having their own children.  Besides, she lives in the Midwest, I live in New England. That way the shit works out right.
ObamaCare Dental Patient

I am Facebook friends with another ex-wife and we get along very well. I actually like her. I know her husband and like him very much, too. He's a great guy. As far as she and I are concerned, I think it's pretty simple. She sees life differently because she was near death after a terrible automobile accident. Me? I see life differently because I quit drinking. Plus, we are twenty years older than we were when we were hitched and I'd like to think that we've both "matured" a little bit over the last two decades.

My current wife, whom I adore, is Eye-talian. I dare not piss her off. She has male relatives named Frankie, Vito, Guido, Vinnie and  Sal. Enough said.

These kind of cordial interactions between exes are not always the case.

Let me splain.

Don't Piss Off the Cook

You know the old sayings like "you don't pull on Superman's cape", "you don't spit into the wind", "you don't pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger" and "you don't mess around with Jim" I am sure.

I'd like to pass along another "don't piss off..." warning to you. Don't piss off the cook. The cook being the one who is preparing your food and has every opportunity to do vile and disgusting things to your meal should you unreasonably irritate him/her. This Rule of Life is alterable by substituting another word for "cook". Like, let's say, "dentist".

Especially a dentist who is your ex-lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/whatever.

Marek Olszewski learned this lesson the hard way.

Let me further splain.

The Toothache That Lead to Disaster

Some background to the story: Our friend Marek developed a toothache. He made an appointment with the dentist. But, fellow Dumbasses, this was no ordinary tooth yanker. This particular perturbed puller of pearly whites was Marek's ex-girlfriend! In my humble Dumbass opinion, nothing good could come from this. Not even a bad tooth. A bad tooth and 31 other perfectly good teeth perhaps. Woops! I gave away the punch line.

The ex-girlfriend dentist, Anna, said that she tried to "be professional and detach myself from my emotions, but when I saw him lying there I just thought, 'What a b-----d.'" So, like any spark-spittin' mad bitch with a set of pliers and access to narcotics, Anna set out for revenge. She sedated Marek and carefully extracted his bad tooth. Then she pulled a good tooth. Then she removed another good tooth. And another. And another. Soon, Marek was as toothless as a meth-addicted moonshiner from West Virginia. 

Upon completion of the malicious molar mauling, Anna wrapped Marek's face up in bandages so he wouldn't realize that he had NO teefahs left in his head. He did, however, notice that he couldn't feel any teeth in his mouth and Anna told him that it just the numbness from the medication she had given him and that the feeling would wear off when the drugs did. 

Enter the mirror.

He Thought She was "Trustworthy"

Looking into a mirror confirmed Marek's worst suspicions. He would be gumming his steaks and burgers for the foreseeable future. There was enough empty space in his mouth, just like his head, to park a 1956 Cadillac Fleetwood. Here's what Marek had to say, "I didn't have any reason to doubt her -- I mean, I thought she was a professional". Famous last words of a Dumbass. "But when I got home I looked in the mirror and I couldn't fucking believe it! The bitch emptied my mouth!"

Dude, trusting a pissed off lady dentist who just happened to be your ex to pull a tooth should have been your first clue that this was not a good idea. The second clue should have been your membership card to "Dumbasses of America".

It Gets Better

This is not the end of this ordeal for Marek. Not only did our Dumbass lose all his teeth in this episode, he also lost his current girlfriend! The reason the current gal pal dumped him? He has no teeth! She said she just couldn't date a man who didn't have any teeth. bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Now that's funny!

I guess asking her for a blow job is out of the question.

Did I mention that this shit took place in England where dental hygiene is right up there with eating Coon Ass (Cajun) food? It. Ain't. Happenin'.

Did I also mention that England has nationalized health care? This is what they deserve for enacting that shit. No offense to Ma and Pa Limey, just the fucking Commies who enacted and run the UK version of Obamacare. See what we are in for, America? But I digress.

Anna Gets Yanked 

Anna is under investigation for medical malpractice and could face three years in an English prison playing "hide the suction hose" with other young ladies who have teeth. By that I mean no teeth in the head but teeth in other orifices of their bodies. I'll leave it at that.

Dumbass.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Mid Year "Dumbass of the Year" Contenders!

This is a post I've been meaning to write for a few weeks, but I have been busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest.

There's no rest for The Wicked.

Or a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest.

Or a Fearless Leader.

We are headed to the 2013 Dumbass of the Year Awards like a snow ball headed for Hell. This December Dumbass News will celebrate (and by "celebrate" I of course mean "humiliate" ourselves before the 163 nations on Planet Earth that read this shit) the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards!

It is about this time of year that I like to highlight some of the first half of the year contenders for the AFGSMYBDDOTYA, a.k.a. The Dummies.
annual

Let us trudge ahead.

Mid Year Dumbass of the Year Contenders (2013) 

  • Dumbass Job Hunting Tips - Our country has been experiencing a very high unemployment rate for several years now. This being the case, it is incumbent upon me to utilize the Bully Pulpit known as Dumbass News as a Vehicle for the Common Good of the People of the United States of America in an effort to reduce this jobless number by at least 7 Americans. The job hunting tips in this post will, without fail, assist you in learning the techniques needed to obtain gainful employment. At Wal Mart. Or 7 - 11. Or something.
  • Removing Your Wedding Ring w/ a 9 mm Pistol - Soap doesn't work? Grease? Cold water? If you are one of the millions of Dumbasses who have tried in vain to remove your wedding ring for whatever reason, the guidelines provided in this post will, in explicit detail, instruct you on how to use a high velocity pistol bullet to do the trick. Ready. Aim. Dumbass. 
  • Lion Kills Woman Having Sex in African Bush - Bushwhacked in the bush while giving up the bush. I highly urge each and every one of you to avoid doing the Dirty Deed within smelling range of one of the most efficient predators on this planet. Your mileage may vary.
  • Congress More Popular Than Meth Labs - But not by much. I'm just sayin'.
As you can tell by the list above, it's as clear as mud as to who will be the "Big Winner" of the  4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards! come January, 2014.

Keep in mind that this is only a partial list of the contenders for the Only Honor on the Internet Worth Its Weight in Mad Dog 20/20. 

Dumbasses.



Thursday, July 25, 2013

Chomp-Lifting: A Dumbass and His Stolen Alligator

As many members of the Dumbass Horde know, in a former life I was a Radio Guy, a DJ if you will.

Being an On-Air Personality allowed me to move up and down that dial (Thanks, WKRP!). One of the stops on my never-ending "packing and unpacking" (Thanks again, WKRP!) was Woodville, Texas, a small
town in Southeast Texas a little over 100 miles Northeast of Houston.

Woodville is one of, if not THE, best place(s) I have ever lived.

In Woodville, there was a Sonic Drive In, a WalMart and a KFC. The only thing missing from Woodville that a bachelor could need was a likker store. The Ville is situated in a "dry county", meaning that you can't buy booze by the package, i.e., a 6-pack or a bottle of whiskey or whatever.

What Woodville lacks in buying alcohol it more than makes up with some of The Best People on Earth and a plethora of outstanding fishin' holes. Fishin' holes that are home to alligatorsLots of alligators.

Most people would associate gators with Florida or Looziana, not Texas. Let me assure you that the Texas - Looziana State Line has not prevented a single one of these prehistoric beasts from finding suitable habitat in the Lone Star State. Believe me when I say that alligators know no boundaries.

Which leads us to....

Today's Story

There's a Dumbass in West Virginia who owns an alligator. As. A. Pet.

This should tell us something about this guy.

It should tell us that he is a Stoopid Fucker.

While I am sure that WV is a fine place to live if you are a Human Bean, I would go so far as to say that it is not what one might call a Haven for Pet Alligators.

That is, of course unless you shoplift one from the local pet store.

The gator-napping took place last Tuesday at Pets & Things when an African-American male grabbed a 3-month-old reptile worth $300 from its cage. Then rolled it up in his shirt before snaking out of the place.
"One guy got my mom's attention while the other guy took the gator," employee Anthony Williams explained to The Huffington Post. "
Williams said he was walking some boarding dogs and didn't notice the missing reptile until the next morning.
Luckily, surveillance video caught the robbery and Williams said the alligator shoplifter is a regular customer who already owns a gator.
I Was Just Thinkng  
  • Really?
  • Why?
  • Gators have many sharp teeth.
  • Gators bite at 3000 psi with said many sharp teeth.
  • Pet alligator?
  • In West Virginia?
  • Does this Dumbass not realize that alligators can grow to be 10 - 14 feet long?
  • Is private ownership of alligators legal in West Virginny?
  • Guard your Family Jewels.
  • Good luck.
Dumbass.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Fix Your Broken Thingy by Drinking Breast Milk!

I am at an age (56) when physical maladies that also beset millions of other Dumbasses of similar Life Seniority have begun to manifest themselves upon my person.  I am mainly talking about My close friend Arthur Itis and his cousin Fi Bro Myalgia.

While these discomforts are quite unpleasant to deal with, I am thankful beyond words that I am not afflicted with something really serious like cancer, heart disease or God forbid, E.D. While some of my body parts function with limited success, others do exactly what they were designed to do, and for that I am most happy.


Dysfunctional Ding-a-ling 


There's a guy named Jeff from Parts Unknown, USA who says that he has problems with his pee pee. Jeff is only 34 years old, so this is indeed sad news for not only Jeff, but his better half, Michelle. It is great news, however, for Duracell or whoever manufactures the brand of batteries Michelle uses in her Battery Operated Boyfriend (BOB) when good ol' Jeff can't "tote the mail".


Jeff and Michelle have searched far and wide for something that will make Jeff's pecker "normal" again. I would assume that their search includes using hard-on medication like Viagra or Cialis. Quick aside: Why do the drug companies that produce pills that make a man's willie stand up like a Georgia pine for extended periods of time advise you to seek medical help if your erection lasts longer than four hours? I have never understood this. I am telling you right here and right now that if I ever find myself in need of medical assistance in achieving a woody and I consume one of these drugs to help me out, I am riding that baby to Kingdom Come if that's where it leads me. Medical attention indeed.
Not the Real Things


Jeff's "Medical Assistance" 



Brother Jeff has come up with a novel method of  alleviating the symptoms of his Erectile Dysfunction. He drinks his wife's breast milk! I am not making this up! 

The source for this story is the HuffandPuffnadBlowYourHouseDownington Post. 

Here's an  extra long excerpt that takes this tale beyond the limits of stoopid, straight into the World of Dumbass: Jeff and Michelle, who wish to have their last names withheld, have been incorporating breastfeeding into their sexual routine since a few months after the birth of their first child. The girl, now age 2, has stopped breastfeeding, but Michelle, 27, is now producing milk for the couple's 8-month-old son.

Jeff drinks his wife's milk "straight from the source." Not only do both partners find the process intensely erotic, but Jeff also says that it significantly alleviates his symptoms of erectile dysfunction.
The children have always received first priority when it comes to Michelle's milk supply, Jeff noted.
The couple will be featured on the season 3 premiere of 'Strange Sex.' However, when Jeff and Michelle first submitted an application, they were hoping to be featured for a different fetish: vampirism.
Vampirism is "exactly what it sounds like," Jeff said, though he added, "I do not need blood for sustenance."
For Michelle and Jeff, vampirism is by no means a gory experience. The bites Jeff would give Michelle would "essentially be like a scraped knee," with minimal amounts of blood.
The vampirism alleviated his ED symptoms "somewhat," Jeff said, but the two practiced it fairly infrequently, partially due to the risk of scarring.

What This Means     

After careful and studied contemplation on the matter at hand, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that Jeff and Michelle are Dumbasses.

What did you expect me to say? That these two freaks are merely "expressing themselves"? I think they are expressing themselves all right, expressing themselves in a way that screams, "We are two fucking psychotics!".  

Jeff, my man, go back to using the instant stiffy stuff. Drinking a nursing mother's Boob Juice  ain't cool, bro. I don't care if your thingy is hangin' there limp as an egg noodle that has been soaking in water for a week.

And that vampire gig? Bad joo joo.

Another thing, what are you gonna suck on when the "well" runs dry?

Never mind. I don't want to know.

Dumbass. 

Thanks to the HuffPo for not (yet) suing my ass off for using the long excerpt. 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Survey: 20% of You Use Your Smartphone During Sex!

There seems to be some recurring themes littering showing up on the pages of Dumbass News. I'm not sure why that is, but the fact that these topics routinely appear here indisputable.

Examples of Recurring Themes: 


The stories listed above are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg in their respective categories.

Taking Center Stage once again today:

Cell Phones! 

Did you know that even the simplest of today's cell phones have more computing power than the computers aboard the space ships that went to the moon in the late 60s and early 70s? They do. Now if we can ever figure out how to fasten a rocket engine to a cell phone and blast it off to the moon......:)

Anyway.....I came across an article on DashBurst.com showing exactly how cell phone owners put their devices to use and when. The Good Folks at DashBurst went to a few college campii (<---- a little Rush Limbaugh Lingo there) and ask the students about their cell phone usage.

Here's what the DashBurst survey came up with:

31% - Text their Exes
22% - Snap Selfies
17% - Use a Metronome App
10% - Order Take-Out
8% - Return Dad's Call
6% - Set it to Vibrate
5% - Play (and sing along to) “Girl I Want to Make You Sweat”
1% - Play “Thriller” on Repeat  


There's nothing really out of whack on that list except maybe the last two. 

I have never heard "Girl I Want to Make You Sweat", but if the song is as good as the title, then Mrs. Fearless Leader is in for a treat.

Over the last thirty years, I have heard "Thriller" almost as many times as "Stairway to Heaven"Enough said.

The Big Reveal (with Obligatory Dumbass News Spew Alert) 
Sex Toy


Respondents to this survey in the 18 - 34 Age Group provided One of the Most Dumbass Answers to a survey question that has ever been given in the History of Dumbass Survey Question Answers. 

A full 20% (that's 1 in 5, folks!) admitted to using their smartphones while they were "gettin' some"! What. The. Fuck.! (pun intended)

You're telling me that 20%of college students ages 18 - 34 were talking, texting, web surfing, etc. while they were gettin' laid! ?! 

Now, isn't that interesting?

What I Think 

  1. 20% of the women from 18 to 34 are being deprived of a good session of bumpin' uglies.
  2. 20% of the guys from 18 to 34 are woefully pitiful and selfish in the sack. 
  3. How can a man or woman do the dirty deed with any sort of intimacy while using a smartphone?
  4. Does the guy/girl using the cell phone during sex hump to the rhythm of 100 words per minute of typing? 
  5. How many words per minute does it take to complete the experience?
  6. Is this act of carnal knowledge called "The QWERTY"?
  7. When the typist uses an exclamation point while texting during sexing, is there added "umphffff" in the thrusting motion?
  8. Is "Thriller" played on a loop while the act is taking place.
  9. That would explain the rapid deflation of a man's weenie at this crucial time.
  10. This, however, seems like a great time to sing along with "Girl I Want to Make You Sweat". 
  11. iSex?
  12. HTC? (Hit That Cooter)
  13. Every Dumbass reading this story will now have an earworm of "Thriller" , along wit gratuitous
    Michael Jackson in zombie make up playing his/her head for the next umpteen times they are having sex.
"It's after miiiiiddnight....."

Dumbasses.

Monday, July 22, 2013

"I Don't Drink" Says Drunk Lady w/ 26 Drunk Teens at Her Party!

During my years as a Professional Drinker©, I rarely, if ever, needed an excuse to crack open a co' beer.

Hey! It's Tuesday! Let's get wiped out!

Did somebody say, "Party"? <insert beer can opening sound here>

I didn't have a drinking problem. I drank. I fell down. No problem.

Actually, I did have a drinking problem - two hands, one mouth.

One thing I never did was supply minors with alcohol. That's felony-in-waiting when said minor had a car wreck and seriously injured, or worse killed, someone after consuming the alcohol that I could have given him.

Unlike this Stoopid Bitch in Palm Beach Shores, Florida.

I am really not picking on Florida. It's just that, after Cal-ee-forn-ya, you guys down there lead the Nation in the number of Dumbasses per capita. I explain why here.

Party Time! 
Kim

Kimberly Kiernan of Palm Beach Shores likes to party. A lot.

Not long ago, Kim threw a party for The Ages. The problem is that The Ages were 14 - 17 years old! This is not only against any and all Professional Drinkers Protocol, it is also against the Law! 

Did I mention that there were at least twenty-six underage young people at this soiree`?

Kim and her Young Minions, including her 7 year old son (who was locked up in a bedroom), were carryin' on in a large way. Lots of noise and loud music. Kim's neighbors were not amused. So they called the cops.

Upon arrival, the cops were not amused either.

Police trying to bust up an underage drinking party say they got more than they bargained for when they ran into an intoxicated mom, rowdy teens and a barricaded condo door.
Mixed among the scattered beer and liquor bottles across the floor, police said they found a girl, 16, choking on her vomit in a restroom. She was treated at St. Mary's Hospital.
It all happened as the 7-year-old son of the listed condo owner, Kimberly Clark Kiernan, 39, of Palm Beach Shores, was locked in a room during a Monday night party with 26 minors, according to a Palm Beach Shores Police Department arrest report.
The police pounded on the door of the apartment for a while trying to quell the party but were met the door being barricaded.
Long story short, the cops finally kicked the door in and arrested a shit load of drunk teenagers. A severely drunk Kimberly Kiernan was also placed into custody. But not before she pissed her pants. Under questioning by the PBS PD, Kim told the cops that she didn't drink - stumbling, mumbling and freshly pissed pants aside.
Kim plans to plead not guilty to the charges.
As non-celebrity almost-lawyer (Hey, I was a Pre-Law Major for a whole semester!), I believe that Kim is, in legal parlance, fucked.
More so when she experiences firsthand the joys of Lezbean Women in Cages during her residency at the Florida Department of Corrections for Lezbeans and Stoopid Bitches. 
No minors allowed.
Dumbass.
***Image from Orlando Sentinel.com ***

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Rob a Bank & Don't Have a Getaway Car? Call Mom for a Ride!

Best of Dumbass News

Moms.

Other than Jesus, mothers are God's greatest gift to humanity. No questions asked.

I am closing in on sixty years old and I am still my Mom's Bouncin' Baby Boy. At least her eyes I am. I don't think there's anything Mom wouldn't do for me if I asked her to. At my age there's not a helluva lot I ask my Mom for, but there are times when she can tell that I need "something" - moral support, an ear to bend, stuff like that. And she's right, I do, at times, need her wisdom when life throws me a curveball. Moms are good like that.

I said earlier that there's very little that Mom wouldn't do for me. I can only think of three things off the top of my head that my Mom would disown me over. Those things are:
  • Leaving the Catholic Church.
  • Marrying a Commie woman. 
  • Calling her for bail money. 
I have good news for Mom - I am still Catholic. I am not married to Commie woman. I don't need bail money.

Yet.

Zach
The same can not be said of Zachariah Dalton Howard.

What Zach Did

I don't know if Zach is Catholic or married to a Liberal woman, but I do know that he's a Dumbass.

You see, not long ago Zach walked into a Niceville, Florida convenience store to do more than buy a shitload of Snickers bars. He approached the cashier on duty, said he had a gun and wanted all the money in the register drawer. It turns out that Zach's timing was as bad as his idea to commit a felony. Lo, the cash drawer was empty! Dejected that his crime was a waste of time, Zach calmly left the convenience store and headed straight for a pay phone. To call his Mother for a ride home!

Now, I am not a criminal, nor do I play one on TV, but I can say with an abundance of confidence that calling your Mother after a failed attempt at armed robbery violates some kind of Criminal Code of Conduct or something. Doesn't it? If not, it should.

By the way, Zach told the cops after he was arrested that he had not planned to rob the c-store, he just happen to hatch the idea of becoming a laughingstock in the Criminal Underworld while he was on his way to the store to buy a shitload of Snickers bars!

Conclusions 

Upon further review, I have come to some conclusions about Zachary Dalton Howard.
  1. When on his way to a convenience store, Zach should think more about a shitload of Snickers bars than committing armed robbery.
  2. There are much better ways to become a criminal laughingstock than unlawfully demanding money from a local merchant. For example, on next next foray into Felonyland, Zach could lose almost a half a million dollars worth of pot in a car jacking.
  3. At least Zach didn't lose $20,000 cash in Vicious Murdering Drug Cartel Guy money and ask the cops to write him an excuse letter to the Bad Guys.
  4. Zach should put down the crack pipe.
  5. Zach is doomed to marry a Liberal woman. Who else would be stoopid enough to make a life long commitment to this idjit.
  6. Mom ain't happy with Zach.
Dumbass.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Cops: Knock, Knock! Pot Dealer: "Come In!" UPDATE: Cop Eats Pot Brownies, Calls 911!

Pot.

Weed.

Latin lettuce.

Meskin Marlboros.


I have written a shitload of stories about The Herb Superb, including today's Best of Dumbass News.

The Dumbass In Key Largo

The Monroe County Sheriff's Department got a call from a local resident about a possible suicide at a certain location. This is something that the law enforcement community takes very seriously. If somebody is disturbed enough to want to kill themselves, they may also be disturbed enough to kill others as well.

So the cops go to investigate.

Upon arrival at the scene of a potentially deadly situation, the police didn't find a suicidal Dumbass, but a guy who probably wishes he was dead.

Splaination to follow.

Always Ask "Who's There?"

The Fuzz approaches the house, knocks on the door and someone from inside yells, "Come in!".

The cop goes inside the place. There's no one at the residence threatening Hari Kari, just some poor schlub cutting up a pot plant. One of 124 pot plants at the house! Surprise, Dumbass! It is my understanding that Key Largo is a pretty laid back place and the consumption of the Herb Superb is not that big a deal. I think, though, that having over a hundred pot plants growing inside your home is a big deal. Like do a long stretch at the Florida Institution for the Criminally Dumbass Big Deal. This is also not the Dumbass' first run-in with the Law. He has previous convictions including check fraud, assault and battery and some drug charges (no kiddin'!) too.

The fact that the Dumbass, Joseph Ebeling of Key Largo, will be unavailable for a stretch of 5 to 10 compels me to make the following Public Service Announcement:

If you buy your pot from Joseph Ebeling of Key Largo, Florida, he will not be out of the loop for a few years, therefore you need to find another Dope Guy for all your marijuana needs. This concludes this PSA from the Dumbass News Network.

Jose, your all expense paid vacation awaits you. I wouldn't, however, count on conducting a continuing criminal enterprise (at least selling weed) in or around Key Largo when and if you get cut loose from the Big House. Somebody has already taken your place.

Dumbass.

UPDATE w/ Stoned Cop 911 Call (not part of this story, but funny as hell)


***Hat Tip for the Video to @Bumr50 on Twitter***

Friday, July 19, 2013

Sharknado & Other Dumbass "-nadoes"

I am evidently behind The Times when it comes to the latest Stoopid Shit That Becomes a Viral Internet Sensation. 

Sharknado would be one of the SSTBAVIS that I have somehow missed out on.

Over the last few days while on Twitter (@RealDumbassNews), I saw a shit load of Tweets with the hashtag "#Sharknado". To the Untrained Eye, this would seem to be just another stoopid Twitter hashtag. In reality, this is where being a Fearless Leader comes into play. I am a Highly Trained Internet Social Media Hashtag Guru as well.

Finally curiosity about the #Sharknado hashtag got the best of me and I broke down and put to good use my Sharply-Honed Google Fu Skillz.

Tornado + Shark = ? 

Without expending too much Fearless Leader Sharply-Honed Google Fu Skillz Energy, I found out what the hell a "Sharknado" is.

As best as I can ascertain, a "sharknado" is what happens as the result of a Run of the Mill Tornado doing what tornadoes do when it (tornado) takes place over an ocean. I'm sure you've seen video of tornadoes as they demolish houses and suck up the debris from these houses and other stuff in their paths and toss them about. Substitute "sharks" for "debris and other stuff" and you've got yourself a sharknado.

In other words, a sharknado sucks up a butt load of sharks from the sea and deposits them in a willy nilly fashion onto the unsuspecting land lubbers at which time much sci-fi hilarity, people-eating and creepiness ensues.

Good Sharknado News

The good news is that in the unlikely event of a sharknado destroying your town, your homeowners insurance will cover the damage!

ArcaMax News tells s: A sharknado attack likely would be covered under U.S. homeowners' insurance policies, Consumer Reports says.
Curious after the Syfy TV movie "Sharknado" took the Internet by storm last week, Consumer Reports asked the Insurance Information Institute what would happen from an insurance perspective if a giant tornado dumped thousands of sharks on a neighborhood.
"A tornado is a wind event," Mike Barry, vice president of media relations, was quoted as saying. A falling shark likely would be covered under homeowners insurance as a falling object.
Car insurance, as long as it included comprehensive coverage, likely would cover any damage caused by a shark landing on a car or truck.
As for any limbs lost in an attack by a flying shark, that would fall under health insurance claims, Consumer Reports said Monday.
What to do with the dead sharks left in the aftermath? Consumer Reports suggests checking out the group's ratings for chainsaws, kitchen knives, freezers and top-rated grills.
Other "-nadoes"

As you know, I am a Man of Ideas. Sadly, none of my ideas (including this blog) have thus far set the world on fire and made me independently wealthy.

Yet.

Undaunted, and uninsured, I have come with some great alternatives to sharknadoes.

  • Beernado - While I am no longer a Professional Drinker, I begrudge no man his Gawd-given right to slam back a few Pabst Blue Ribbons. Of course this particular "-nado" would assume that a tornado actually sucks a PBR brewery off its foundation and scatters cheap ass beer all over the countryside. 
  • Baconado - Tornado + pig farm = Hog Heaven. 
  • Hootersnado - Hot wings and hooters take flight! This is what I call a "Daily Double".
  • Doobienado - One of these "-nadoes" will have the affected people wishing for one or more of the "-nadoes" listed above.
  • Obamanado - This particular type of "-nado" has a duration of eight years and has the power to suck the life out of the whole damn country. 
Dumbasses.

***Image from DreadCentral.com***

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Congresswimmin Propose New National Park - On the Moon!

At the top of this page the tagline under the blog title mentions that Dumbass News is read by Dumbasses in 163 countries.

If two Democrat members of the U S House of Representatives have their way, Dumbass News could well be the first blog read from the surface of the Moon! 

How cool would that be?

The Hill reports:

Two House Democrats have proposed legislation that would establish a national historical park on the surface of the moon to mark where the Apollo missions landed between 1969 and 1972.

The bill from Reps. Donna Edwards (D-Md.) and Eddie Bernice Johnson (D-Texas) would create the Apollo Lunar Landing Sites National Historical Park. The park would be comprised of all artifacts left on the surface of the moon from the Apollo 11 through 17 missions.

The bill says these sites need to be protected because of the anticipated increase in commercial moon landings in the future.

"As commercial enterprises and foreign nations acquire the ability to land on the Moon, it is necessary to protect the Apollo lunar landing sites for posterity," according to the text of the Apollo Lunar Landing Legacy Act, H.R. 2617.

As cool as this seems, I have some reservations about the whole thing. 

I have never heard of Representative Edwards, so I have no beef with her. I am, however, very familiar with Eddie Bernice Johnson.

Ms. Johnson is, shall we say, a bit eccentric. No, we shall not. We shall say that she is as far "out there" as this proposed Lunar Park. Even though Rep. Johnson calls Dallas home, I have often wondered if she was indeed from the Moon. 

Now I know she's from the Moon!

I have never been shy about saying that my political beliefs lean pretty far to the right. For the uninitiated, that would be the Political Polar Opposite of Eddie Bernice Johnson. She's a Flaming Liberal and makes no bones about it. I respect her for that. You always know from where she comes.

Honestly  

To be honest, I haven't really given this bill much thought since it was sent to me in an email from Dumbass Emeritus, Stoo. 

I must say that, at first glance, it looks like a pretty damn good idea. 

The story in The Hill goes on to say that gubmint and private enterprise would work together to do this thing the right way, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah....the United "We Hate the Fucking United States Because They Kick Ass and Take Names" Nations would also be involved in this endeavor in some stoopid fuck way. You can get all the details in the story at this link to The Hill.  

It is at this point that I become leery about this project. 

The U. N. ? Fuck them. 

I couldn't care less about what the Asshats that represent every Third World Socialist/Communist Hell Hole on Earth have to say about when, where and how the United States does bidness.  

We (the USA) didn't discover the Moon, but we got there first and should be able to do with it as we damn well please. 

As a loyal, patriotic 'Merkin, it is incumbent upon me to do my Civic Duty and pony up some ideas for the Moon Park. After all, this deal will be built with tax money and I am a taxpayer, so my input should carry some weight, right? I mean it's not every day that the Congress of the United States of America is encouraged by the Words of Wisdom that your Fearless Leader has to offer. But they are a bunch of idiots, so what do they know?

Fearless Leader's Moon Park Ideas  

  1. Disney Moon - This is the most obvious of ideas. A Disney theme park like the ones in Florida and Cal-ee-forn-ya with lousy food and overpriced cheap ass trinkets. 
  2. Lunar Bouncy House - This stellar (lunar?) attraction will be one of those big ass blow up bouncy houses like you see at County Fairs and shit. The thing that will make the LBH (Lunar Bouncy House) different is that there is virtually no gravity on the Moon! Imagine the Happy Parents when Junior the Child Asshat pushes off the inflated LBH floor and shoots off into inter-stellar space at the Speed of Oh Shiiiiiiiiitt! Just think, now that the Little Fuck is at the mercy of solar winds and the gravitational pull of the Earth, Mom and Dad can finally relax and go on the Real Vacation of a Lifetime that they've always wanted to Cleveland! Or Passaic, New Jersey!
  3. The Golden Arches - They've got a McDonalds in China, so why not on the Moon?
    One thing however....the marquee outside a McDonalds on the Moon would read "Over 15 Sold". That is until the Moon is overrun by Illegal Aliens. This is of course assuming that there is loose border security at the Moon River as there is at the Rio Grande. Have faith, though. Congress will find some way to fuck up immigration to the Moon also.
  4. Strip Joints - Where words like "impact crater" and phrases such as "wanna see my Moon Rocks?" will take on drastically different meanings on the Moon than the ones here on the 3rd Rock From the Sun. 
  5. Lunar Shuttle Vehicles - I almost forgot about this one. I mean you gotta have a mode of transportation from the Earth to the Moon and back, right? The round trip will be damn near a half-million miles so there has to some amenities aboard the space craft to entertain the passengers. Hooters would be cool. And for the kids, a Chuck E. Green Cheese.
So, Representatives Edwards and Johnson, I humbly submit these ideas in hopes that the tens, if not hundreds, of billions of dollars necessary to run this scam endeavor will be wisely spent for the common good of the American people. 

Impact craters. 

Heh.

Dumbasses.

***Photos Courtesy of Disney & McDonalds***

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Rare Bird Killed by Wind Turbine! Green Weenies & Gaia to Blame!

The Law of Unintended Consequences.

Its relentless march is all-consuming, unavoidable, unending.

It's a bitch.

Let me el explain-o.

Green Weenies

And I don't mean the hot dog kind of weenie.

There are millions of Dumbasses around the world who preach doom and gloom because Man is "killing  - creator and giver of birth to Earth as well as the entire Universe. They do so under the guise of "Climate Change". More recently, "Climate Change" was called "Global Warming" - that is until the Earth's temperature began cooling. Back in the 70s, "Global Cooling" was all the rage. Where I come from, we call this phenomenon "Weather". But, I digress.
Gaia"

Green weenies blame any and all variances in weather patterns around the world on Man's use of fossil fuels such as petroleum and coal, even wood! So they set out to "green the planet" by trying to force a bunch of bullshit down every one's throats. BS like electric cars and wind turbines which, while fine ideas, are too damned expensive and inefficient to operate and maintain and give minimal performance in return for the capital investment.

For now anyway. Ten years from now? These endeavors may be economically feasible, just not now.

You get the idea.

The White-throated Needletail

The white-throated needletail is a bird. A very rare bird it turns out. Especially in England.

The WTN had not been seen in Britain in twenty-two years, with only eight sightings since 1846, and was thought to be extinct. Until a few weeks ago. Once the sighting of the white-throated needletail was confirmed, bird watchers, called "twitchers" in the UK, from all the lands of Earth made their way to Merry Old England to view this magnificent fowl.

Reaching in-flight speeds of over 100 mph, the white-throated needletail dazzled twitchers and non-twitchers alike with its aerial acrobatics.

As you can imagine, this was a Big Deal to Birding People.

This is a brief video clip of the WTN in flight:


Impressive, to say the least.

Enter the Wind Turbine

Did I mention that there are wind turbines where this rare bird was sighted?

There are.

There had been only eight recorded sightings of the white-throated needletail in the UK since 1846. So when one popped up again on British shores this week, twitchers were understandably excited.

A group of 40 enthusiasts dashed to the Hebrides to catch a glimpse of the brown, black and blue bird, which breeds in Asia and winters in Australasia.
But instead of being treated to a wildlife spectacle they were left with a horror show when it flew into a wind turbine and was killed. - Daily Mail

Inquiring Minds Wanna Know  

Who or What will the Green Weenies blame for the death of this nearly-extinct-in-Britain bird?
  • Global Warming?
  • Global Cooling?
  • Climate Change?
  • Big Oil?
  • Big Coal?
  • Big Wind Turbine?
  • PETA?
  • The Bird?
  • The twitchers?
  • God? Oh, wait. They don't believe in God, only Gaia. And she's off the hook.
  • The Law of Unintended Circumstances?
  • George W. Bush?
Green Weenies International® was unavailable for comment.
    Dumbasses.

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