Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: August 2013 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Mandate to Gubmint Employees: NO FARTING AT WORK!

At this moment, there are muchos shenanigans going on in the Gubmint of the United States of America. 

Over the course of the last few years, our Elected Dumbasses have seen fit to:
  • Assume control of your health care by taxing what's left of your ass off.
  • Sic the Bureau of Infernal Revenue on organizations and individuals with political leanings contrary to those of the Dumbass-in-Chief.
  • Reprimand a Gubmint employee for farting at work....
  • Say what?
  • Yep.
Best of Dumbass News

I am a simple man (cue Lynyrd Skynyrd). I have always been in awe of the things that so many people take for granted. Like the stars. We see them every night of our lives and over time they are kind of "just there" to most people. Not to me though. There's not a time I go outside at night and not think of the majesty of those seemingly tiny twinkling lights in the nighttime sky. Think about it for a moment. The star light you are looking at has traveled through the vastness of outer space for billions of light years and is just now visible to the human eye. In essence, you are looking back in time.

Another thing that simply amazes me are tomato seeds. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that something so tiny can, when put into some dirt, watered and given the requisite amount of sunlight, produce a marvel of Nature like a big fat beefsteak tomato. How the hell does that work like that? I don't know and I don't care. All I know is that it does work and I ain't askin' questions.

Which brings us to farting.

A Real Gone Gasser

I am sure that it will come as no surprise to you that stories about farting are not new to Dumbass News. It was almost two years ago to the day that I wrote about the nation of Malawi's proposed law to ban farting under certain circumstances like: "insulting the modesty of a woman," "disturbing religious assemblies" and "trespassing on burial places". Pffffffffttttt!

Last summer I told you about a guy who threatened to shoot his neighbor for farting! This post is doubly entertaining as it also has a brief etymology of the word "fart".

While outlawing gaseous anal emissions and/or shooting another human bean because he broke wind may be a bit on the extreme side, being reprimanded for farting at work is not.

Hostile Work Environment

The U.S. Social Security Administration said it has rescinded a reprimand filed against an employee for creating a "hostile work environment" by passing gas. 
The reprimand, which became public when it was posted on TheSmokingGun website, was filed against a worker accused by co-workers of creating a "hostile work environment" by continuously passing gas and releasing an unpleasant odor, The Washington Post reported Friday. 

The agency said the reprimand has now been rescinded. 

"When senior management became aware of the reprimand it was immediately rescinded," spokeswoman Dorothy Clark said. 

The Social Security Administration did not offer a date for the rescinding action or respond to questions about the status of the employee. 

The reprimand was filed by the agency's Office of Disability Operations and cited 60 occasions when the worker was accused of passing gas -- up to nine times per day -- in his office over the course of about 12 weeks. 

The employee was described by TheSmokingGun as a 38-year-old man working at a Social Security office in Baltimore. 


Is nothing sacred anymore?

When an employer can reprimand, or even possibly terminate, you because you exercise your Constitutionally-guaranteed (it falls under the "pursuit of happiness" or something) right to let one rip, then that employer must be held accountable! 

Revolt!

Eat more beans!

Do not be silent! (but deadly)

Fart like there's no tomorrow!

Dumbasses.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Saggy Pants Trip Up Cell Phone Thief!

Remember a few years ago on American Idol they had an Old Dude on the show and he sang a little diddy called Pants on the Ground? 

Just to refresh your memory:


As it turns out, the singer of the song, General Larry Platt was a Prophet.

There's a Dumbass in New York City named Joel Donaldson whose pants on the ground betrayed him at a most inopportune time.

Let me splain.

Sagged and Bagged

Joel was cruisin' the streets of Brooklyn when he laid eyes on a cell phone that he just couldn't live without.

Unfortunately for Joel, the phone belonged to someone else walking the streets of Brooklyn.
Joel & His New Friends

That didn't matter to Joel, however.

He wanted the phone so bad that he punched the owner, a lady, in the face, snatched it from her and hauled ass.

As Joel was fleeing the scene of the crime, his saggy jeans began to sag a little more. So here he is with a stolen cell phone, running like a scalded dawg and his pants are falling down!

The more he ran, the more his saggy jeans sagged.

Until they fell down to his ankles and he busted his ass on the sidewalk!

To add insult to injury, the spot where Joel wiped out was only two blocks from Brooklyn Criminal Court.

Joel was arrested on the spot.

Score:

          Pants on the Ground - 1
          Thieving Asshat - 3 to 5 years.

Dumbass.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Driving Nekkid w/ Nekkid Duct Taped Girl in Back Seat!

When it comes to Dumbassery, few places on the entire planet are weirder than Portland, Oregon. My guess is that other than San Francisco, Portland prolly has the highest Dumbass to "normal" people ratio in the country. I think the reason for this is the fact that so many weenies and various other life forms migrate from Cal-ee-forn-ya to the Pacific Northwest trying to - wait for it - escape the Dumbssery in Cal-ee-forn-ya!

Headdesk

Go frakkin' figger.

True Dumbass Love


Nothing says True Dumbass Love like duct taping your girlfriend like a Taliban hostage and putting her in the back seat of your Subaru for a little joy ride around town - while you, too, are nekkid as a jay bird as you escort your hostage sweetie all through Portland. Not that a duct taped nekkid woman in the back seat of a Subaru would garner much attention in Portland, Oregon, but one sane soul noticed the nekkid, taped up bimbo and called the cops.

One can only imagine what the heat thought when they encountered a nekkid guy driving a Subaru with a duct taped nekkid lady in the back seat! I'm fairly confident that the local constabulary had some very powerful handguns pointed directly at Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy at the sight of such a situation.

After taking a large shit on the genuine imitation llama hair seat cover, and losing his boner, Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy and Ms. Custom Duct Tape Job by Jim Bob Jumpback explained that they were just out for a nekkid ride just for a little for fun.

And sexual thrills.

Yup, instead of a nice candlelight dinner with some cheap wine, these two Dumbasses get nekkid, duct taped and stoopid. And cited for disorderly conduct for driving around Portland for all to see.

This just oooooozzzzzeeesssss romance.

Reactions


When people learned of this little Love Boat on Land episode, most of the reactions were of the "So what, they were just having fun?" variety. One local Dumbass posted on the Portland Police Department Facebook page, and I quote, "Nothing wrong with that, they were just trying to have some fun, you monsters."

I ain't kiddin'.

The best comment came from a guy who summed it up very nicely: "Keep Portland weird, man."

Perfect.

I implore you to heed this advice as you travel through this journey we call life: nekkid, duct taped and driving through a major city is no way to go through life, son.

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Fake Cop Fakes Out Hookers; Real Cops Bust His Ass!

Dumbasses run the gamut of the human experience - from the poorest of the poor to the heights and glory of the Presidency of the United States.

Somewhere between those two extremes lie cops and also hookers.  Both make regular appearances on the pages of Dumbass News.

Today's story features a policeman and his pursuit of ladies of the evening.! Oh, the anticipation of it all is killing me, so let's not waste another moment before getting down to the nitty gritty.

The Nitty Gritty

On at least four occasions since the first of the year, a Dumbass named William Taylor has posed as an NYPD officer. Taylor was targeting hookers, threatening to throw them in the slammer. Unless they performed sex acts on him.

He used his status as a "police officer" the coerce those poor whores into doing something they wouldn't ever do. Work for FREE! I'm sure they'd gladly give a little tit for tat with a real cop, but how dare a Fake Policeman take advantage of these poor defenseless sluts! What ever will they do for crack money now?!

Apparently one of the prostitutes that Taylor had played "hide the 38 snub nose pistol" with called the hooker version of 9-1-1 (6-9-6-9?) and complained that turning an extra trick each week to recoup her lost income was not good on the old "groceries". It also cut into her cocaine use by 10%. But dammit, all work and no play makes "Sunshine" a bored harlot.

NYPD Ain't Happy


After laughing their asses off and knockin' out a couple of dozen Dunkin Donuts, the NYC cops thought about the call for a minute and said, "Hey! Some Dumbass is out there stealing our free hookers! Next thing you know he's gonna be getting free coffee and eclairs at our favorite pastry shops! Something must be done!"

Being a police officer is very often a thankless job and when some fake cop is getting all the free tunnel of love and possibly donuts too....well, it's more than a public servant can take. So, they did something. No, they did not put up a 24/7 stakeout on local donut joints, they did actual police work.

Our man William, the El Fake-o Cop, enjoyed the company of one of his coke-addled hoes that he gave her his cell phone number! Because he wanted to be her pimp! I am not now a fake cop (or pimp), nor have I ever been one or played one on TV, but leaving your cell phone number with someone you have basically raped is not a very good idea. The NYPD had the same idea as me and began looking in earnest for William.

After polishing off another few Dunkin Munchkins.

The Big Apple's Finest caught up with William and slapped enough charges on him that his new prison bitch name will be "Sparky", IYKWIMAITYD.

Epilogue

William Taylor the fake cop of New York City is a blight on humanity and should be dealt with accordingly within the parameters of the law. I think we can all count on the fact that William will be a favorite of many of his new house mates at Sing Sing.

Fart like a man while you can, William, soon you'll just go "poooooofff" when you break wind.

Have a nice day.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Communist Commotion! Sex Dolls Unleashed on Chinese!

I was goofin' around when my able assistant and wife, Mrs. Fearless Leader, was doing some searching for material for today's story. She found some OK. Boy! Did she find some! When you read this story, you'll understand why I love her - great wife, terrific Mom, outstanding cook and finder of sex doll stories extraordinaire. What's not to love?

Actually, Mrs Fearless Leader sent me only one story about a sex doll but that story has a link in it to yet another sex doll treatise. Benevolent Fearless Leader that I am, I thought that telling both of these would be a great way to ease into a Tuesday.

Coincidentally, both of these tales come from China.

Sex Doll Story No. 1

A little old Chinese lady lives near a crosswalk at busy intersection and got fed up with drivers zooming by with little regard for public safety. She called the local cops who in turn did next to nothing to help alleviate the problem. More speeding drivers only caused the Little Old Lady's resolve to steel. In other words, she decided to solve the problem on her own.

I Got Nothing
Her solution? Bind a sex doll to a tree at the intersection! She was hoping that the Indy 500 wannabes would take notice of the sex doll and slow down to a reasonable speed while passing the cross walk.

No word on whether the tactic worked or not but at least one guy on a motor scooter took notice. (see photo)

Questions

As usual, I have some troubling questions to ask about the sex doll tied up to a tree at a traffic intersection with a cross walk.

Question uno: What has this old woman been smoking and can I have some?!!

Question also: Would an anatomically correct sex doll tied to a tree at a busy intersection be helpful or a hindrance? I'm going with "hindrance" on this one. While passing drivers may indeed slow down a bit, the sight of what appears to be a nekkid woman tied to a tree just might divert the drivers attention from something more important. Like, say, I don't know, maybe watching the fuck where they are going! I could be wrong. I am a Dumbass after all.

Drowning "Woman"

In Shandong (which means "plastic lover with air leak is no bueno for caca") Province, also in China, local police received a call of a woman in distress in an area river and appeared to be drowning. Ever vigilant to show their cajones by rescuing a damsel in distress, eighteen cops responded to the call. For over an hour, there were eighteen short men in police uniforms running about looking like an 18 man ant hill, shouting instructions to each other and keeping an eye on the victim - all this in Chinese! That must have sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks on speed.

This was an exciting moment for area residents as almost a thousand people gathered watching and cheering on the local constabulary.

Drowning Victim
Finally the moment of truth arrived and the shorts guys pulled the woman from the river. Except she wasn't a woman at all. "She" was a deflated sex doll! The gathered masses then suddenly dispersed like someone farted in Church after a long Saturday night of Generic Beer and Jack in the Box tacos.

Pffffffffffffttttttppppppppppp

We can learn a lot from these two most Dumbass News-worthy eventsI don't know what the hell that might be, but I just know in my heart of hearts that we could learn something from them

Oh, yeah, I know. We have learned that police trained by Red Communist Authorities with Red Communist money are about as useful as tits on a boar hog. We also now know that short guys in police uniforms in China are lonely bastards by the way they rushed to the scene of the "drowning", hoping to be the first one to give the "lady" mouth to mouth recreation resuscitation. Come to think of it, I'll bet a dollar to a donut that at least three of the cops stayed back after the matter was resolved to make sure the sex doll was "properly disposed of ", if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Better Dead Than Red

Taken in their totality, these two stories show that Communism is a miserable failure as a system of gubmint, meeting the needs of the powerful few and neglecting...woops! These stories don't prove jack shit except that the Red Communist Chinese are horny for blow up dolls. They also prove that short guys pretending to be cops, no matter how honorable their intentions, can not be trusted with a blow up doll. Even if she's deflated. The sex doll is probably the closet these poor schlubs have been to a woman in months! If not years!

Miley Cyrus was nowhere to be found.

Poor Commie bastards and...

...Dumbasses.

Monday, August 26, 2013

College Student Stress Reliever: Petting Zoos!

My Mother-in-Law is in town for a few days.

This means almost 72 hours of torture and degradation upon my person.

And that's the "fun" part of her visit.

Anyway, I'll be back tomorrow with some New Stuff for you Dumbasses.

In the meantime, enjoy the.....

Best of Dumbass News

Have you ever wondered how a place as beautiful as Cal-ee-forn-ya could be inhabited by so many Dumbasses?

There are certain parts of the state, I'm looking at you, Bay Area, that are as infested with Dumbasses as Congress is with crooks. That's saying something. I could link you to some stories from Cal-ee-forn-ya that would curl your toenails. Then again, curled toenails are probably a fashion statement out there.

But, I digress.

The state is in the economic crapper with no relief in sight and the Dumbasses just elected Jerry Brown, Governor Moonbeam, to be their Governor again! Get your popcorn ready, this is gonna be good. Institutions of Higher Learning in Cal-ee-forn-ya are turning out a bunch Socialist indoctrinated pussies to be the leaders of the future. Those poor people are doomed! The light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a freight train traveling at 100 mph straight at them. It ain't gonna be pretty when it hits.

Back to the colleges turning out a bunch of pansies:

You're gonna love this.

This time of year at universities all across the country means term papers and final exams. This is a very stressful time for millions of college students. Leave it to a college in Cal-ee-forn-ya to come up with a method of ridding these overwrought young people of all that stress.

The solution?

Petting zoos!

I. Shit. You. Not.
Booze, Bongs & Hooker Student Liaison

Here's a piece of that story verbatim: "At the Claremont University Consortium in Southern California, as classes ended for the semester and a finals study period began, two fenced pens were set up on a campus lawn with bunnies in one and puppies in the other.

About 300 students took turns climbing into the pens and playing with the animals at the student-organized event. 


Freshman Adam Griffith said he'd had only 7 hours of sleep over three days, finishing four papers for classes, and was glad of the chance to romp with the dogs. 


"Stuff like this is a really, really good idea, especially since it doesn't take too much time," Griffith, 18, said. "I appreciate seeing that from the faculty and staff, acknowledging that we are under stress." 


When I read this Dumbass Pablum, I wanted to cut out my eyeballs with a paring knife. Bunnies and puppies? Are you fucking kidding me? This is a great idea for students....students in the First grade! No wonder the Golden State is all FUBAR'ed.

If you want to "de-stress" a college kid, give him sex or booze! 

That's what college kids wants, you Dumbasses! I am serious. Have a campus wide kegger with FREE BEER and order up a mess of non-union hookers and let nature take its course. This would also be a good way to get rid of all those free condoms you dipshits have stored in the Campus Clinic. Having said that, I am sure that some of the students would get bombed and start to "like" the bunnies and puppies, but that's another story for another day.

Make this event BYOB - Bring Your Own Bong - and you've got a stress reliever of Soddam and Gammora proportions. Throw in a few Cheetos stands, sell pizza by the slice and you have generated more income in a few days as many third world countries, like New Jersey, do in a year.

Do I have to tell you Dumbasses everything?

By the way, this would make a great time for Parents' Day on Campus also. Just sayin'.

I offer this advice free of charge this time, but if I have to remind you of it again, my consulting fee starts in six figures. But, just this once, I am waiving it, so your stressed out students can get drunk, stoned and laid.

That's just how I roll.

Dumbasses.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work!

Best of Dumbass News

My late Dad used to tell me that he wishes he was born rich instead of good lookin'. I face that same dilemma, but it's a burden that I must carry until I am "The Late Toby", which I hope is no time soon. The point is that if my Dad had been born rich instead of drop dead handsome (like me), then he would not have had to drive a truck for over 40 years and at least 6 million miles, most of that in Texas. I can tell you this: it was a rare occasion when Dad called in sick to work. Nowadays, people call in sick with some really, shall we say, "creative" excuses for not showing up to his/her job.

While doing my usual looking for something to steal from another site in-depth research, I came across a web site named The Hiring Site. The following list of excuses for missing work are quoted verbatim from that site. My commentary will follow each "excuse".
Dear Boss...

This is gonna be good.

These are actual excuses used by actual Dumbasses for not showing up for work.

Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work

Excuse: A cow broke into my house and I have to wait for the insurance man. 
Fearless Leader: Three letters: B B Q. Enuff said.


Excuse: A chicken attacked my Mom.
Fearless Leader: Does Mom make B B Q chicken?

Excuse: My finger is stuck in a bowling ball.
Fearless Leader: Since you can't B B Q  a bowling ball and the only good fingers are steak or chicken fingers, let me get my chain saw. Adios finger. Problem solved. Fucking sissy.

Excuse: My hair transplant has gone bad.
Fearless Leader It ain't gone half as bad as the size 12 I am gonna put up your ass will "go bad".

Excuse: My girlfriend threw a Sit-n-Spin through my window.
Fearless Leader: was she on the Sit-n-Spin at the time of this incident? If she was, she's a keeper. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

Excuse: I was on a boat in Lake Erie and I ran out of gas and the Coast Guard towed me to the Canadian side.
Fearless Leader: Grab a case of "Moosehead", an OZ of Canada's Finest and walk across the surface of Lake Erie back to the USA side. I have done this before. With good weed, anything is possible. Eh?

Excuse: My foot is caught in the garbage disposal.
Fearless Leader: Are you related to the chick with the Sit-n-Spin? If so, I hope you are a girl. I'm just sayin'.

Can you believe that shit? 

I know that many Americans are lazy Dumbasses with the ambition of a spit wad, but, really, can't you stoopid fucks do any better than that? Whatever happened to real excuses for missing work? 

Stuff like

  • Somebody stole my weed and I can't get motivated to work without it. 
  • Or...did someone bring a keg to work today? If so, I'm in. If not, I have to go buy one so I'll be spending the day at home doing "scientific research" on how much Pabst Blue Ribbon causes a hangover. 

There are a million of 'em, but the lame ass excuses above could have come from a guy on a street corner selling "Excuses to Miss Work Today" cards for 10 bucks a pop. The sad thing is that so many Americans would stand in line to get a good excuse to skip work, even if it cost $10. Meanwhile, the guy on the corner selling the excuses is working his ass off and getting rich at the hands of a bunch of lazy Occupy Wall Street pussies who smell like some NFL lineman's ass after a double overtime preseason game in Dallas. In August. 


It ain't purty, folks. 

It ain't purty.

Dumbasses.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Strippers Go to Bat for Little League Baseball; Strike Out

Best of Dumbass News

Angels

The Los Angeles Little League is hard up for cash.

The league was in need of money to save its season. Therefore, it seems to me, that sizable donations would be welcome. Oooooooohhhhh noooooo, not in Tinseltown!

Not long ago a group of benevolent young ladies made a $1200 donation to the LALL (LA Little League) and it was accepted. BUT! The President of LALL returned the money to them when he found out they were strippers at Jet Strip Club!
In the Wheel House

I couldn't believe my eyes when I read this.

The nice young ladies made the donation as a gift and didn't ask that any of the teams in LA Little League wear "Jet Strip Club" on their jerseys or anything. I wonder what the name of a team sponsored by Jet would be? The Boobs? The Nipples? The 38s? Just askin'.

Community Outreach

Jet has long, as they put it, "given back to the community". <snicker> I'll bet. But seriously folks...I am certain that the "exotic dancers" at Jet have given plenty back to the community. Things like lapdances and STDs. Hahahahaha I just made that part up. On the real side, Jet has made considerable donations to area schools by giving money for school supplies and stuff. These aren't your ordinary slutty ass strippers we're talking about here. They are community-minded slutty ass strippers. Just because a chick shows off her yahbos to horny bastards who could never land a woman like a slutty ass stripper, doesn't mean that their money is somehow coated with poison or it came from the Mafia.

I think the LA Little League President Roberto Aguirre screwed the pooch on this one. The league needed money in the worst way. The gals at Jet sent over a check for $1200. There's some much needed cash flow for the kids. Take it and callate, Roberto.

I don't how this story got out nor do I care.

Roberto and the other Dumbasses at LALL could have accepted the check and used the money for the kids in the league and shut the fuck up. The whole thing could have been done anonymously. No harm. No foul. Instead some loose-lipped asswipe had to run to the press with the story and now the kids are out over a thousand dollars.

Strippers Are Moms Too

As long as it's legal, I don't give a shit what anybody does for a living. Stripping is legal. In a former life I frequented "gentlemens' clubs" on a fairly regular basis. I wasn't searching for some fantasy lover or any other bullshit. I know now and I knew then how the game is played. I just liked going to strip clubs.(I haven't been to a jiggle joint in over 10 years, so don't get your underwear all in a wad). I found during my time at these places that many of the young ladies who work there are single mothers with little or no education or hopes of getting a "regular" job. But many them were also going to college to better their lives and stripping was a way to make money (LOTS of money) to pay the bills. And many of them were single mothers, as you would expect. When you have kids, sometimes you have to do things you would not ordinarily do in order to feed and clothe them. Were there crack whore skanks who danced in the clubs I went to so many years ago? Hell yes.

My point here is not to defend the virtues of taking your clothes off for strangers, but to point out that many of these chicks are just doing what they gotta do, for whatever reason. They are doing nothing illegal by stripping and, again, a shitload of them are college students paying their way through school. Others, on the other hand, are drug addicted losers who'd fuck a horse for their next hit of heroin. I ain't talking about them here.

I have been friends with dancers before and the young ladies I befriended were just like you and me - regular people. No, I never met them away from their jobs or ask for anything (not even a lapdance). When I went to the clubs, it was like two friends meeting over coffee at Joe's Coffee Shop in Irving, Texas, except we met over boobs and beer. I must confess, however, I once bought a stripper a puppy. Why? Because she wanted one. And she was my friend.

Finally

The Prez of La Little League should have just taken the money from the strippers and shut up. Did it ever occur to this Holier than Thou Douchebag that maybe one of the dancers had a kid that played in the LALL? Hell no.

Roberto Aguirre, you should go to Jet Strip Club sometime. You might find someone who has a big heart and a willingness to give the kids in the LA Little League a hand. And some much needed money.

Besides, you could probably use a cold beer.

And a lapdance.

Dumbass.

***Image from MLB & Texas Rangers Baseball Club***

Friday, August 23, 2013

Dumbass Discovers Image of Jesus on Beer Box!

It is said that the Lord works in mysterious ways. Now, I think it means that The Big Guy acts in ways that His children don't expect. Even non-believers get the gist of this saying.

The Dumbass in our story today takes that old adage to an entirely other level. A level that either gives the Lord a good laugh or He starts making reservations in warmer climes for our Dumbass. Actually, I don't think God would condemn the poor knucklehead to the Eternal Lake of Fire Where There's a Lot of Gnashing of Teeth and Other Bad Stuff Forever and Ever for being an idiot, but He may have created a new category of sin in honor of The Guy in This Story.

Let us pray.

Fred

Once upon a timeth, in a land far away, the mythical Land of the Tropical Sun, lived an ordinary man namedeth Sir Frederick of Truluck. Actually, the brutha's named was simply Fred Truluck, but bear with me here. In this wonderful and magical place called  The Land of the Tropical Sun resided many hard working, God fearing people we'll call "The Tribe of the Normal People". While certainly hard working and God fearing, Sir Frederick was of a group of  citizens who had the collective IQ of a spit wad, the "Tribe of the Dumbass".

One glorious day as Sir Frederick of the hamlet of Bradenton was taking a leisurely stroll with his faithful sidekick, Fido the Hound, so Fido could taketh a shiteth, Sir Fred happened upon a fish-shaped object glistening in the bright tropical sunshine. Being a man of Faith, and the fish being a Christian symbol, Fred picked up his piscatorial prize and returned to his humble abode.

Amen!

It is important to note here that the FSO (Fish Shaped Object) was made of cardboard. Alas! This was not cardboard of an ordinary making! It was cardboard from a box of Corona beer! In case you didn't know, Corona is a Meskin beer. Further, the word "corona" means "crown". This tidbit is of the utmost import to our story. Because....

After Fred got home, he placed the FSO on a counter top and went about his bidness for a little while. Upon completing whatever the hell he was doing, Fred picked up the FSO to admire it. I mean, it's odd enough to find a piece of cardboard in the shape of a fish, but what happened next is a true miracle!

Unseen by Fred until this very moment, on the other side of the cardboard FSO from a Corona Beer carton was an image of Jesus! Hallelujah! The Son of Man has appeared on a fish shaped piece of cardboard from a carton of Meskin beer! The End Times are nigh! Face it, sinners, the image of The Word has been seen on potato chips and pieces of toast among other things, so why not on a beer carton? And why not to a guy who was taking his dog on a poop walk?

Mysterious?

The Lord may indeed work in mysterious ways, but something in my heart of hearts tells me that appearing on a fish shaped piece of cardboard from the carton of an el cheap-o Meskin beer is not one of them. Call me a skeptic, if you must, but I think that when The Redeemer makes himself known to Mankind it will be in a more Biblical way. Like maybe on the back of a pure white steed in full Satan-killing armor surrounded by Archangel Warriors or something.  You know, Armageddon. Beer boxes? Not so much.

So, Fred, lay off the lousy beer and get back on your meds. He Who Sits at the Right Hand of the Father ain't gonna manifest Himself on a case of barley pop. Got it? This ain't the Shroud of Turin for cryin' out loud.

Or a piece of toast.

Dumbass.

***Image from Daily Mail***

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Shrimp in a Can Leads to Samurai Sword Attack!

Another day, another Floridumbass......

Jayson Laughman was a hungry son of a gun.

He went to the pantry to retrieve some shrimp. 

Canned shrimp! 


The Story

The Miami New Times has the details: Jayson Laughman, a 34-year-old from Volusia County, was arrested Saturday on charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after getting into a domestic disturbance over a can of shrimp.

According to The Orlando Sentinel, Laughman's mother's boyfriend, Michael Airhart, who is 52, accused Laughman of stealing a can of shrimp. Laughman apparently would not stand for having his honor besmirched over a canned shrimp, so the argument soon escalated into threats of a physical fight.
Laughman and Airhart decided to take it outside where Laughman threatened his not-quite-step-daddy with a statue. Though, the two managed to cool off for the moment. Airhart returned inside to the mother's bedroom.
Laughman however decided he was going to get the last laugh, man. He grabbed a Samurai sword and used it break down the bedroom door. He once again threatened Airhart, this time with the sword, but his mother and Airhart managed to cool him down.
Laughman retreated once again, this time to the kitchen, but grabbed some knives out of a drawer. He returned to the bedroom and started throwing them at Airhart. Airhat managed to escape by sliding glass doors in the bedroom.
The story goes on to say that Laughman freaked out because he is a diabetic.
Observations 
  • Until a few minutes ago, I had no Earthly idea that shrimp in a can existed. Potted meat in a can? Yep. Chicken in a can? You betcha. Shrimp in a can? 
  • You've gotta be fucking kiddin' me. 
  • Three Words: Fresh. Seafood. Vendor.
  • Canned shrimp be damned!
  • Threatening with a statue?
  • Really?
  • Samurai sword?
  • That's more like it.
  • Diabetic Rage?
  • Oh, brother.
Dumbass.
***Image from Miami New Times***

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Old Fork in the Penis Sex Game! (NSFW)

As of this moment, it may no longer be necessary to even consider any Future Dumbasses for the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards.

WARNING: NSFW!

Question: What do the following have in common?

Answer: SEX! 


Believe you me, we have covered a ton of sex-related topics here on Dumbass News, but none even come close to the Dumbassery in today's sexcapades.

As a matter of fact, it no longer may be necessary to even consider any Future Dumbasses for the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards. 

Let me splain.

Down Under (In More Ways Than One)

There's a 70 year old Dumbass in Australia who is lonely.

Very lonely.

And horny.

And as we all know, lonely and horny is no way to spend your Sunset Years.

So The Lonely and Horny Dumbass decides that since he ain't gonna "get some", he will take matters into his own hands.

Or should I say "hand"?

Not one given to a normal rousing session of "Slap the Monkey", TLHD racks his brain for ideas on how he could intensify the solo experience.

"I know what I can do to intensify my solo experience!", small voice screams inside his mind. "I can shove a supper fork up my dick!"

So The Lonely and Horny Dumbass does his business.
Fork in the Penis X-ray

Now comes the hard part (pun intended): removing the fork from his penis! 

After several futile attempts at yanking the fork out of his pee hole, The Lonely and Horny Dumbass decides that it is now time to seek outside help - twelve hours later! 

Much hilarity and fork-in-the-penis removal ensued.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

9/11/2013 Showdown: 1 Million Muslims vs. 2 Million Hawgs!

On September 11, 2013, an event called the Million Muslim March will take place in Washington, D.C.

Many Americans find the timing of this "march" to be insulting to the memories of almost 3000 of their fellow citizens who were brutally murdered by 19 Islamic extremists on September 11, 2001 in New York City, the Nation's Capital and near Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

I say we (Americans) hold a simultaneous Million Pig Stampede that would send these dickweeds scattering like a bunch of six year old girls in a room full of spiders.

Fuck. Them.

While setting loose a million pigs on these asshats would be a lot of fun, the logistics of doing such a thing would be nothing short of a nightmare.

It would also be very difficult to tell the difference between our Elected Dumbasses and the pigs.

But I digress.

All that aside, a guy named Bill Williamson has come up with a better idea than a Million Pig Stampede.

Two. Million. Hawgs.



Do I hear an "Aloha snackbar!"?

Dumbasses.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Pilot Takes Nap While Flying Passenger Jet!

Our Dumbasses today come to us from Sweden.

Land of Fjords and Chjevys.

Sweden is a beautiful country with lots of blond haired people with blue eyes and lots of Dumbasses.

For instance, a pilot for the Scandinavian Airlines System Group was piloting an aircraft bound for
Swedish Airlines Cockpit
Stockholm from Copenhagen, when the co-pilot got up to heed Nature's Call. Upon returning to the cockpit, the co-pilot buzzed the Captain so he could get back to doing his co-piloting duties. No answer. He buzzed again. Still no answer. Finally, after several buzzings the pilot unlocked the cockpit door to let the co-pilot back in. When queried as to why it took so long to answer the repeated buzzings, the Captain said, "Ho wofhwNuakde[p fcapHnc" which is Swedish for "I am a Dumbass and I was taking a nap while you went to piss, you fucking moron!" To which the stunned co-pilot replied, "pohfeo hmasd?" which when translated to English means, "No shit?"

Fortunately the plane was on Auto-pilot while the tinkling and the napping were going on and the aircraft eventually landed safely in Stockholm.

As they say on those stupid TV commercials when you buy something valued at $300 for only $19.99 plus shipping and handling, But, wait! There's more!

The pilot going to sleep at the controls of a jet airliner full of passengers was duly reported to the Aviation authorities in Sweden, who reacted with a resounding yawn. They decided not to to punish the pilot for this travesty by saying (I ain't making this up) that he (the pilot) was tired because he only got four hours of sleep the night before. 

What. The. Hell?

At this point I usually point out what a load of Dumbasses run the Swedish airline industry, which they are and they do. How can these people sleep at night? Fucking pasty skinned pussies. This event goes beyond dumbassery and wanders into negligence of the worst possible kind. Do these Dumbasses not understand that hundreds of innocent people could have died because pilot had a rough night's sleep the night before?

I've got something to say about that, "Tpowgn lof uszpi jf;paaqfjffv!" Translated from Swedish that means , "Fuck you and the reindeer you rode in on you piece of Scandi dog shit."

And one more thing, "Ou;w gdszghh" which means....Dumbasses.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

"Unclaimed Fund in West Africa Region" Makes Me a Filthy Rich Man!

Best of Dumbass News

Well, whaddaya know! I am "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region"!

And all this time I thought I'd be a poor fucker for the rest of my life.
West Africa Region

But that's all changed now because I am "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region"! Praise Gawd and pass the Cashier's Check!

You may not believe this, but I am also having a bit of skepticism about "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region."

My "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region" must be true though, I got it in an official email from the "Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division" of the FBI!

See for yourself, Doubting Thomas:

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION

FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON DC

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING

935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001

Ref: FBI/DC/25/113/13/2013

https://www.fbi.gov

Urgent attention needed

We found out through our global intelligence monitoring network that you are
having an unclaimed fund in the West African region.

Many person(s) have knew about this unclaimed fund that is yet to be paid to
you, so they use the medium in contacting you about the unclaimed fund just to
extort money from you.

We are using this medium to inform you now that your said fund is held by an
insurance company in the West African region, so do not respond to email(s)
you receive from this impostors claiming to be one organization or the other.

For confirmation if truly you have an unclaimed fund with the insurance
company in Western part of Africa, you are advise to contact the GOLD LINK
INSURANCE COMPANY with;
YOUR FULL NAME:
YOUR COUNTRY:
YOUR DIRECT PHONE NUMBER:

They will give you their website for you to check your name on the list of
beneficiaries that are yet to receive their unclaimed fund, If your name is on
the list then you can proceed with the next step on claiming your held fund
from them.

Below is the contact details of the GOLD LINK INSURANCE COMPANY.

You are to contact Mr. Tayo Oba of the Gold Link Insurance Company directly
with the information as given below.


GOLD LINK INSURANCE COMPANY
Mr. Tayo Oba
Email : goldlinkinsuranceplc@y7mail.com

NOTE: ONCE YOU CONTACT MR. TAYO OBA OF THE GOLD LINK INSURANCE COMPANY MAKE
SURE HE GIVES YOU THE LINK OF THEIR WEBSITE FOR YOU TO VERIFY YOUR NAME BEFORE
YOU PROCEED WITH THE CLAIMS PROCESS, IF YOUR NAME IS NOT IN THE LIST ON THEIR
WEBSITE PLEASE DO NOT PROCEED WITH CLAIMS FOR YOU TO BE AT THE SAFER SIDE.

Yours Faithfully

FOR FBI DIRECTOR
MR. ROBERT S. MUELLER III.

cc: gold link insurance plc (glip)
cc: general intelligence department (GID)
cc federal bureau of investigation (FBI)
cc .internet crime complaint center (ic3)
cc: Counterterrorism Division (CTD)
cc: international monetary fund (IMF)
cc: Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS)
cc: international banking security association (IBSA)
cc: FBI Police (FBIP)
cc: Counterterrorism Division (CTD)
cc: national white collar crime center (NW3C)
cc: bureau of justice assistance (BJA)
cc: economic and financial crimes commission (EFCC)

I mean, hell, just look at all those "cc:" notations! There's even one to the "National White Collar Crime Center"! And I gotta tell you, there is nobody and I mean NOBODY more against National White Collar Crime than your Beloved Fearless Leader!

Still doubt the authenticity of my "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region"? There's also a "cc:" notation to the "General Intelligence Department"! I'm generally an intelligent guy so how about that, Mr. NonBelieverMcSmartyPants?

I am further convinced that this shit is real because of all those official-looking acronyms. No Bad Guy in the whole wide world would ever use phony acronyms when notifying some poor schlub like me about "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region". NW3C, glip, ic3...if that ain't real I'll kiss your ass in the middle of Downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd. I. Am. That. Sure.

There's no way in hell that my "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region" is fake like the Nigerian FBI's promise to put five million dollars on an ATM card for me. Granted, Nigeria is in western Africa, but my "having an unclaimed fund in the West Africa region" is probably in an honest western Africa country like Sierra Leone or Senegal.

Why, this email even states that there are some really naughty people who would try to rip me off using a scam similar to this legitimate transaction.  "Many person(s) have knew about this unclaimed fund that is yet to be paid to you, so they use the medium in contacting you about the unclaimed fund just to extort money from you." See? Many person(s) have knew that there are unscrupulous cads in "the West Africa region" who would try to pull a fast one on me. But not the Gold Link Insurance Company! Gold Link even warned me about the possibility of fraud: "do not respond to email(s) you receive from this impostors claiming to be one organization or the other."

I'll be passing along all the pertinent personal information to you ASAP! I'll also click the link and verify that I am indeed entitled to the benefits of "having an unclaimed fund in the West Africa region". Following the prescribed protocol I can rest assured that, as you so eloquently put it, I'll "be at the safe side."

Yesiree, Bob, I am gonna be filthy fucking rich!

Thanks, Tayo Oba!

Dumbass.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Being a Dumbass With Vampire Friends Sucks!

Best of Dumbass News

There is evidently an upswing in vampirism in the United States. A bing search of the term "vampires in the usa" yielded an incredible 57,470,000 results, where "dumbasses in the usa" yielded only 287,000 results.

Personally, having traveled this country from coast to coast and from Canada to Mexico, I feel like Dumbasses have been short changed. I have met thousands of Dumbasses, but not one vampire. It follows, according to my experience, that all vampires are Dumbasses, but not all Dumbasses are vampires. Today's little excursion into dumbassery involves a Dumbass, who is not a vampire, and two Dumbass Vampires.

Here's the Deal:

This 25 year old guy, Robert Maley, has two roommates who are vampires. He knew this little tidbit of information when they all became roommates. As a matter of fact, Maley had, at least once, allowed his roomies to drink his blood! 

I have a saying that goes like this: "feed 'em and they come back". Until now, I was referring to animals and people. If you leave food for a wild animal of any kind, squirrels, raccoons, birds, etc., then they will return to the place where the easy grub was. Same goes for vampires...give 'em just one teensy taste of your blood and they want more!

Just ask Robert Maley.

Recently when his Dumbass Vampire Friends wanted to have another sip of his blood, he said "no". Well...being the good Dumbass Vampires they are, Robert's friends would not take "no" for an answer. So one them stabbed him for making fun of him the Dumbass Friend for being a vampire. I gotta admit that is one way to get blood from an unwilling party.

This is also a felony! 

It ends up that Robert Maley was treated for his wounds and the two Dumbass Vampire Friends were treated like felons, earning free room and board at the county lockup, with a stay at the State Pen not too far  into the future.

To top it all off, Maley was arrested for a probation violation, thus cementing his place in dumbassery.

All of this took place in Arizona, which is a great place to live...unless you are a Dumbass Vampire.

Or a Dumbass who knowingly lives with vampires, which has got to suck.  :)

Friday, August 16, 2013

Restaurant Owner to Robbers: "We're Busy. Come Back in an Hour"; They Do!

Today's Daily Dive into the Dumpster of Dumbassery reveals several elements of the plot line that assure its bona fides as a truly Dumbass News - worthy event:

  • Armed Robbery
  • Stoopididity
  • Quick thinking by the Good Guy
  • Chicago
  • Meskins
The Meskins in our story, Mario and Domingo, were sitting around the hacienda one day slamming down some cheap tequila (the kind with the worm in it) when boredom overtook them. They were bantering back and forth trying to figure how they could spice up the night.
Mario & Domingo, Meskins

The conversation went something like this:

Mario: "Hey, Domingo. This El Cheapo Tequila tastes like burro piss."
Domingo: "That's because that is burro piss. The El Cheapo is in that bottle over there."
Mario: "Ja ja ja!" (ed. note - the letter "j" in Meskin Lingo is pronounced like the "h" in White People               Talk)
Domingo: "Boredom has overcome me, Mario. Whatever shall we do?"
Mario: "I have an idea, Domingo! Let's hop into the '64 Chebby Low-rider, vamoos from the barrio, go                   find a Gringo Restaurant and commit a felonious act such as armed robbery!"
Domingo: "El O.K.-o, amigo!"

So Mario and Domingo had another shot of El Cheapo and headed out into the Windy City in search of a White Guy Restaurant to knock off.

They found one - The Clifton Grill.

They go inside and tell the owner of the eatery, "I will kill you, I have a gun with me."

To which the Restaurant Guy responds, "I'm busy, can you come back in an hour?"

Mario and Domingo said, "Si, Senor".

I am not making this up.

The Dos Pendejos left and returned an hour later demanding $100 and food.

Have I mentioned that the "gun" Mario and Domingo claimed to have was a toy squirt gun?

The two were then greeted by the local constabulary and unceremoniously escorted to the County Lock Up where they will undoubtedly be playmates in a nice game of 'Hide the Chorizo" with other Meskin inmates.

O-lay!

Dumbasses.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Russian Dumbass Swallows Heroin; Doctor Surgically Removes It, Then Steals Some! Russian Cops Not Amused

Drugs.

There's a huge demand for them.

Where there is a big-time demand for something, legal or illegal, there's gonna be somebody to supply it.

That's simply the way market economies, even the Black Market Economy, operate.

Hundreds of billions of dollars worth of narcotics are bought and sold every day. When there's that much money involved and an interruption in the methods of distribution of drugs happens, dealers must find new ways to deliver the goods.

We Deliver

Here are a few of the more unique methods of drug smuggling that we have covered here at Dumbass News:
  • One way to have drugs delivered to your home is through the United States Postal Service. While this very convenient, it is a very bad idea. 
  • A couple of mules (drug runners) were doing a solid for one their boyfriends by smuggling cocaine in their hair weaves! 
  • Breast implants not only enhance women's chests, but they make dandy places to conceal contraband.
  • My favorite method of getting narcotics from Point A to Point B (so far) comes from the Dumbass that shoved cocaine up the asses of roasted chickens and shipped them overseas!
Down the Hatch 
Almost Communist Again Russian Flag

Over in Almost Communist Again Russia, some Ruskie Dumbass was busted for possession of heroin. The cops were unable to confiscate the smack from the guy even though it was on his person. Or should I say IN his person. As in his stomach. This can make relieving a suspect of his contraband somewhat problematic.

So the Russian Police called in a surgeon to remove the dope from the Dumbass' belly.

So the Sawbones did and turned over the evidence to the Fuzz.

Almost all of it.

The cops noticed that some of the Horse was missing. 

The doctor stole  a small amount of the drug when he removed it from the Bad Guy's gut.

This was a very bad decision on the Good Doctor's part.

He will now spend a good portion of his remaining days on Earth in a nice Russian Gulag.

Dumbass.


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Scandi Swimming Scare! Testicle - Eating Fish!

I am a Water Guy.

When I see a body of water - a creek, a river, a pond or a lake - I think "Fish!"

I am a fisherman.

Fish. Fear. Me.

I don't like to swim, however, even though I am a good swimmer.

There's shit in the water that will fuck you up. Like snakes. Or alligators. Even some species of fish.

Just ask the people who swim in the Oresund, a strait between Denmark and Sweden.

Invasive Species 

Some Danish Dumbass was fishing in the Orelund recently when he caught what was to him a very unusual looking fish. This particular fish was indeed a strange resident of these waters because it is native to The Amazon!



The fish in question is a red-bellied pacu, a cousin of the piranha.

As you can imagine, a fish of this pedigree can be quite a nusaince. Especially to unsuspecting swimmers. Let me re-phrase that - especially to unsuspecting male swimmers. You see, in it's native waters of the Amazon, the pacu uses its teeth to eat other fish as well as fruits and nuts that fall from trees hanging over the water. The pacu of the Oresund have also become quite fond of a type of nuts native to Scandinavia - the nuts in a man's ball sack! As Foxnews.com points out, in "Papua New Guinea the invasive species has reportedly earned the reputation as the "ball-cutter" after castrating a couple of local fishermen!" (emphasis mine) 

Henrik Carl, a fish expert at the Natural History Museum of Denmark notes that the pacu bite "because they are hungry and testicles sit nicely in their mouths." This is not unlike some hookers in San Francisco. But I digress.

Carl's advice to swimmers in the Oresund? "Keep your swimwear on if you are bathing in the Sound." My advice to swimmers in the Oresund is threefold:

  1. Wear a metal jock strap while swimming in the Oresund, or
  2. Run, or in this case swim, to the nearest dry land, you idiots!
  3. Do not visit Papua New Guinea for a wade fishing extravaganza.
Dumbasses.





Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Spanish Skyscraper - Stairway (But No Elevator!) to Heaven!


The building in the center of the picture is the Pride of the Town of  Benidorm in Alicante, Spain.

Forty-seven stories of some of the most modern and edgy architecture in the country.

Except for one teensie weensie thing.

Due to corruption in every aspect of its creation, from creating the blueprints for the skyscraper to its hasty and haphazard construction, somebody forgot to include elevator shafts in the design of this jewel.

Pendejos.

***Hat Tip to Dumbass DefConMax (@pc1073) on Twitter***

Monday, August 12, 2013

Furor in Pittsburgh! Cop in Uniform Wearing Unicorn Mask in Photo w/ Porn Star!

Baseball. Our National Pasttime.

Even the names of long ago ball playing Legends are ingrained in the minds of baseball fans today...

Babe Ruth. Lou Gehrig. Willie Mays. Nolan Ryan. Andy San Dimas....wait...what?

Who the hell is Andy San Dimas and what in the name of Ty Cobb does he have to do with Major League Baseball? First of all, Andy San Dimas is not a "he", but a "she", and her claim to MLB Fame is not as a player, but as a spectator.

Let me splain.

At the Old Ball Game

Andy was recently in attendance at a Pittsburgh Pirates game just like tens of thousands of other fans. but, Andy is different than your average Pirates fan in a few of ways.

She's a high paid stripper

And a porn star.

Who likes to wear a unicorn mask.

I. Ain't. Makin'. This. Up.

Deadspin.com has the story: The girl with the unicorn mask was sitting in the seats directly in front of us, with a friend of hers. Her friend started talking with the people sitting next to us, and mentioned that she was in town to dance at Cheerleaders and that she was a "major triple x star." Didn't catch a name. If I remember correctly they have something called the "unicorn army," in which they take pictures of themselves wearing the unicorn mask in various places and post the pictures to Instagram.
Anyway, between the top and bottom of the sixth inning, we convinced her to put the mask on and start doing a dance at the bottom of the stairs of our section, because there was a camera guy looking at us from the field. She was doing her sexy stripper dance, but keeping her clothes on, and an usher in the moat between our seats and the really, really fancy seats asked her to stop a couple times, but she ignored him. He radioed something into his shoulder walkie talkie and walked away and she sat down before the bottom of the inning started. Right around the time it did, a security guy came by our seats, and standing in the moat, motioned to her to come talk to him. Instead of pleading her case, she got up and decided to just leave, but not without screaming "OH I'M SORRY I WAS TRYING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THE FUCKING PIRATES GAME." It was pretty magical, all in all.
She was wearing a Neil Walker shirt for some reason, despite the fact that she wasn't from Pittsburgh and he's injured. Also, the people next to her said they could tell from her glassy eyes that she was on heroin, which if true, makes the whole thing even better I think. Me and my dad were just in town from New York to see the Mets series, and that was some shit that we definitely never saw at Citi Field.

Did someone say "photos"?

Like this one? ---> 

That is Andy San Dimas in the photo. Andy's the one not wearing the unicorn head. The guy in the uniform wearing the unicorn mask is a Pittsburgh Police Officer! See the stripes on the sleeve of the cop's uniform? Those are the markings of a Sergeant - a leader of men, a supervisor, a Dumbass.

The Higher Ups in the Pittsburgh police Department are not amused.

I, on the other hand, see this Unicorniness as a Public Relations Coup for PPD and Stripper/Porn Star Community Relations. I mean, what could be more coalescing for two such disparate groups than sharing the magic of a beloved symbol like a unicorn?

Unicorns and Skittles?

Unicorns shitting Skittles?

And rainbows. Don't forget the rainbows.

Dumbasses.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Bank Heist Caught on Video! Keystone Cops Hilarity (and Bad Guys' Escape) Ensues!

This may be a bit old, but I just got it in an email a couple of days ago.

A picture video is worth a thousand words....


Dumbasses.

***Thanks to Uncle Robert in San Antonio, Texas***

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Gun Control Redneck Style: Redneck Controls Gun, Dumbass Goes to Jail

Best of Dumbass News

Until last week, James Gerow was just a guy living in Springtown, Texas, a small town northwest of Fort Worth.

Enter Christopher Lance Moore. Make that "break and enter" Christopher Lance Moore.
Christopher Lance Moore, Dumbass

The Burglary

This past Tuesday, James was sound asleep only to be awakened by some late night noise in his house. Upon awakening, James was confronted by a man in a hoodie. This man, Christopher Lance Moore, was an uninvited guest in the Gerow home.

This is when James grabbed his gun. This is also when Christopher Lance Moore ran like somebody stuck a rocket up his ass.

The Chase

James Gerow, Good Guy & Gun Control Expert
With gun in hand, Gerow convinced the man to drop his keys. He told his wife to call 911 and waited for deputies to arrive.
"I pointed the gun at him and asked him who he is and what the hell he was doing in my house," Gerow said. "He said his name was Lance, and I said, 'Lance, what the hell are you doing in my house?'
"And he said, ‘unlucky.’ Just unlucky.”

So here's Lance in his truck with no keys and a pissed off Texan pointing a large caliber handgun at him. What does Lance do now? Naturally he calls 9-1-1! "I'm out in the country somewhere and some guy's got a gun on me," he said on the call. Later when being questioned by Parker County Sheriff's Deputies, Lance admitted to having "bad intentions".

Christopher Lance Moore has been charged with burglary of a habitation with bad intentions, his future as a Prison Bitch secure.

Gun Control

Yes, Gun Control. It was James Gerow's control of a bad ass pistol that that prevented Christopher Lance Moore's "bad intentions" from turning into something potentially tragic for James Gerow and his family.

What say you, Bob Costas? Buehler? Anyone?

Oh, yeah...one more minor point: Christopher Lance Moore should thank God every day for the rest of his miserable life that James Gerow did not blow his sorry ass to Kingdom Come, which he could have easily and legally done.

Gun Control at its finest, Lance.

Dumbass.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Despite Popular Demand! Here's Your (Dumbass) Sign! Part 2

A few months ago I unleashed a new Dumbass News feature upon the an unsuspecting Dumbass Horde with magnificent results.

The First Edition of "Here's Your (Dumbass) Sign" was such an overwhelming  success that I think it's high time to milk that cow again!

Here we gooooooooooo!!!


Fine? Who cares?


Or unless you're Morticia Addams.


Second chance.


Panther Bismol.


Capcha Pron.


This may take a while.


So the back door is around front?


It leaves a bad taste in your mouth.


Slap. The. Monkey.


Open wide.

Dumbasses.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

No Toilet Paper in Motel Room? Destroy the Room!

You remember those TV commercials for Motel 6 that said "We'll leave the light on for ya"?

What a stupid damned campaign.

The "leavin' the light on for ya" part is cool. Catchy, memorable and annoying.

The part of that ad campaign that bugs me is that the guy who did the voice over for them was from Alaska. Nothing against Alaska, it's a place that has been blessed by Nature way yonder more than many places on Earth. Like New Jersey for instance. But let's be real. First of all, how many Motel 6s are there in Alaska? I'll tell you how many. One. That's only one more than Madagascar for Pete's sake! There four million Motel 6s throughout the rest of the country, why not use a voice over guy from Mississippi? Or North Dakota? Anywhere but Alaska. Or New Jersey. It's a minor thing but it pisses me off.

For Motel 6, I'll leave the Dumbass on for ya. Idiots.

As you may have deduced by now, or maybe not because you are a Dumbass, today's venture into Dumbassville takes us to a motel. There are no strippers or drugs involved, so this ain't one of those stories.(Dammit)

Most of us have stayed in a motel at some point or another, not only because we are cheap bastards, but for convenience. Convenience meaning "close to a liquor store". That aside, we stay at a place like Motel 6 and don't expect five star treatment. You sleep, you shower, you hit the road.

Unless you run out of toilet paper.

Like Dereck MacDonald. Evidently Dereck had to go Number 2 and discovered he was out of TP. Now, I know this can be a stressful situation, having just pinched a loaf and you have no way to get your ass clean. I think, however, most of us could improvise our way out of this type of thing leaving the toilet with a clean ass. After all, necessity is the Mother of invention.

Dereck didn't see things quite that way and he went apeshit (pun intended). He went on a rampage doing over two thousand dollars worth of damage to a $39.99 a night motel room. His ass still dirty, Dereck plugged up the commode, flushed it and a flood that would do Noah proud ensued. Then he proceeded to "redecorate" the room like only a man with a doo doo packed ass can do. He might as well shit two grand, because he ain't gonna make it up in jail at 38 cents a day. How the hell difficult would it be to call the front desk and say, "I have a dirty ass and no Charmin, could you please send housekeeping with some?" For Dereck, $2000 worth of difficult.

I'm the housekeeping people would have been more than happy to take Dereck some John Wayne toilet paper. John Wayne TP? It's rougher than hell and don't take any shit.

Dirty ass and two large worth of damage and soon Dereck won't need toilet paper. His ass will be cleaned by our adopted felon, Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams. See: Prison Bitch.

I don't think Dereck will ever bitch about TP again.

Dumbass.
Humor Blogs - Blog Rankings Google

Follow Us