Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: September 2013 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, September 30, 2013

Can't Knock Up Your Wife? Have Your Neighbor Do It! PLUS New Blog Design!

Dumbass News has a new look!

After three years of the Old Look Dumbass News, the time has come for a new design.

We have a new header that is the brain child of a very good friend of mine and fellow Green Bay Packers fan, Kevin in Wisconsin! The new-look header is a more "whimsical" design that better represents the content and meaning of the blog. And by "more whimsical", I of course mean "more Dumbass".

The new background image is the handiwork of Mrs. Fearless Leader. She took the Old Head Up the Ass logo and brought it up to date to be more "inviting" to potential new members of The Dumbass Horde. I would say she made it more "pleasing", but there is nothing really "pleasing" about a picture of a guy with his head up his ass. Except in certain West Coast cities.

Thanks, Kev and Mrs. Fearless Leader! Your work will live in Internet Infamy!

And now.....Dumbass News.....

Neighbors. You can't live without 'em and you can't shoot 'em.

I have been thinking about the virtues and vices of having neighbors over the last week or so. Why? I'll tell you why.

There's a lady and her 12 year old son who have lived next door to us for two years. Two years to the day as a matter of fact. They are good neighbors. The lady is very nice, if shy and the boy is a good, respectful kid. My family and I like them a lot. But, today they are moving. It's kind of sad really.

My wife is a great cook and she's forever in the kitchen coming up with something delicious for us and our neighbors. For example, last summer we had an outstanding little garden in which we grew a ton of mondo, and I mean mondo, zoo-keeny. Heather, Mrs. Fearless Leader, made several batches of zoo-keeny bread and shared it with many, if not all, of the neighbors that live in our building. The Lady and the Kid Next Door were no exception. In return, the lady next door would, on occasion, do something nice for us in return. just like it should be.

I wish them luck and happiness in their new home. They were good neighbors and we'll miss them.

Having said all that, there's a guy in Stuttgart, Germany that has to be The Best Neighbor in the History of Mankind, or for brevity's sake, TBNITHOM. Even better, let's just call him TBN for The Best Neighbor.

The Best Neighbor Wants a Little Best Neighbor

The Best Neighbor and his wife, a former Supermodel, were trying like crazy to make a baby. I'm sure the guys reading this are thinking....well, I'd rather not write what that bunch of Dumbass perverts is thinking, but I will tell you guys this: It. Gets. Better. Much. Better!

Mrs. TBN
As Fate would have it, TBN was shooting blanks, if you know what I mean and I think you do, and was unable to father a child. I think it's safe to say, however, that he must have had a helluva time trying. But, I digress.

It was then that TBN came up with a plan.

The Plan

Since The Best Neighbor's Little Swimmers don't make it to the "end of the pool", he came up with what he thought was a brilliant idea. He had a neighbor, whom we'll call "The Guy", who looked enough like TBN to have been his brother. And The Guy had kids. This means his Little Swimmers were able to finish the race. Or so everyone thought.

This is where The Idea comes into play. TBN's scheme? Give The Guy $2500 to impregnate TBN's Hotter than a $2 Pistol Sex Bomb of a Wife! Being a good neighbor willing to donate his sperm for a friend by depositing it in the appropriate manner into Mrs. TBN, The Guy took the two point five large and boinked Mrs. TBN. Seventy-two times! But still no baby.

Something was amiss.

What Was Amiss

It was at this point that The Best Neighbor in the History of Mankind became, shall we say, "irritated"? No, we shall not. "Pissed off" is more like it. After six dozen times of layin' The Hammer to Mrs. TBN and no with no baby to show for all this horizontal hula-ing, TBN sent The Guy to a doctor to make sure everything was OK with his male ejaculate.

Guess what?

The Guy was sterile, too! Blanks! No baby-making Little Swimmers! And he knew it!

Now this new bit of information brings up quite the dilemma.

The Dilemma

Even though The Guy knew that he was infertile at the moment, he took $2500 from TBN knowing that he couldn't produce a kid for the couple and he porked her anyway? Seventy-two times?! I smell a rat here.

But The Rat, also known as The Guy was about to get his comeuppance.

Remember earlier when I said that The Guy had some kids? It turns out The Guy thought he had some kids! Mrs. The Guy fessed up that the kids weren't his! He was shootin' blanks back then too! Ain't that a swift kick in the No Baby Makin' Gazebos?

It ain't over yet, folks.

More Neighborly Love

Feeling that he had been defrauded, The Best Neighbor filed suit against The Guy trying to get back his 25 hundred bucks. TBN's argument is obvious in this case. The Guy argues that he didn't say he could produce a baby, but that he would try to get Mrs. TBN knocked up. And, boy did he try. Seventy-stinkin'-two times.

It must have been an awful ordeal to endure. You know, plowing, and getting paid to do it, a woman that looks like Mrs. TBN over seventy times ain't as easy as it would seem.The poor The Guy. He'll have to live with the image of bumpin' uglies with a a former Supermodel for the rest of his life! Oh, yeah and getting twenty-five Big Ones to do it.

Alas, The Best Neighbor in the History of Mankind is still without a child. And he's out a shit load of cash. And he willingly let The Guy screw his wife. Seventy-two times.

Dumbass.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Nigerian "FBI" Sends Me $5 Million!

Look what I got from the "FBI"!

It's "official" and everything!

NOTICE FROM FBI (OFFICIAL)

Spam
x

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION <contact@fbimail.com>
4:02 PM (10 minutes ago)

to undisclosed recipients
Be careful with this message. Many people marked similar messages as phishing scams, so this might contain unsafe content.  Learn more

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI)

HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON, D.C.

J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
REF: US/28028/8A28/11
ATTENTION:
FBI OFFICIAL NOTICE: This is to inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed an investigation with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring
Network System (IMNS), your email address was found in the Central Computer among the list of unpaid contractors, inheritance next of kin and lotto beneficiaries approved
to receive a part-payment of $5,000,000.00 Five Million United States Dollars. According to the record in the system your funds had been long overdue.
This is because some corrupt officials have been using the interest accumulated from your fund every year to enrich themselves without your knowledge.
Meanwhile, We want to make sure your funds is paid to you immediately via ATM Card which is the easiest and quickest method to receive your fund and also to secure and
protect your fund from being diverted by fraudulent people or making more payments to those corrupt officials.
We have completed this investigation and you are hereby approved to receive the sum of $5,000,000.00 as we have verified the entire transaction to be Safe and 100% risk free.
Therefore, we want to inform you that an arrangement has perfectly been concluded to effect your payment as soon as possible. However, it is our pleasure to inform you that
ATM Card Number; 7946 8678 0123 2210 has been approved and upgraded in your favor.
The ATM Card Value is $5,000,000.00 USD Only. You are advised that a maximum withdrawal limit of US$10,000.00 only is permitted daily. And you can make withdrawal in any
location of the ATM Center of your choice/nearest to you any where in the world.
Due to the fact that the funds has been converted into an ATM Card you will be required to settle the following bills directly to the Agent in-charge of your payment whom is
located in Abuja, Nigeria,. According to our discoveries, you will be required to pay for the following :-
* ATM Card Conversion Fee (Fee for converting the funds into an ATM Card)
* (ATM Card Delivery Fee)
The total amount for everything is $135.00 (One Hundred and Thirty Five Dollars) only. We have tried our possible best to indicate that this $135.00 should be deducted from the
funds but we found out that the funds have already been converted into an ATM Card and cannot be accessed by anyone except you "the legal beneficiary". Therefore, you will
be required to pay the fee's to the Agent in-charge of your payment via Western Union Money Transfer Or Money Gram so that he can deliver your ATM Card and approval
documents to you as we have instructed him.
In order to proceed with your payment, you will be required to contact the agent in-charge of your payment (MR. DANIEL MARK) via e-mail. Kindly look below to find
appropriate contact information:
CONTACT AGENT NAME: MR. DANIEL MARK
E-MAIL ADDRESS: dmark433@gmail.com
PHONE NUMBER #: +234 818 865 4399
You will be required to e-mail him with the following information:
FULL NAME:
PRESENT ADDRESS:
CITY:
STATE:
ZIP CODE:
DIRECT CONTACT NUMBER:
You will also be required to request Western Union details on how to send the required $135.00 in order to immediately deliver your ATM Card, and also include the following
Fund Reference Identification: EA2948-910.
This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of Investigation is authorizing you to pay the required $135.00 ONLY to AGENT DANIEL MARK via information in which
he shall send to you.
NOTE: In order to ensure rapid response, contact AGENT DANIEL MARK as soon as possible providing the required information needed from you above.
Congratulations in advance!!!
NSB Seal
Robert S. Mueller, III
Public Affairs Director - FBI.
NSB SEAL ABOVE
CC: United Nations Organization (UN)
CC: International Monetary Fund (IMF)
CC: World Dept Reconciliation Agencies (WDRA)


It's about time! I have been waiting for this moment for over forty years!

Five. Million. United. States. Dollars.

Suck on that, Corrupt Officials who for so long raided my account solely to enrich yourselves. You have finally been exposed for what you truly are - Big Old Meanies! But, it is I who shall get the last laugh! And I'll be laughing all the way to the bank! Bwahahahahahahaha!

The FBI was even kind enough to load the entire 5 million onto an ATM Card! Wow! How lucky can a guy get? Hell, I even got a Fund Reference Identification Number. And I bet some of you thought I was getting ripped off. It just goes to show you how stoopid some people are. I'll send you idjits a post card from my palatial beach home in Belize.

The best part is that all I have to do to claim the fortune that is rightfully mine is to wire via Western Union a piddling $135 to Agent Daniel Mark at the "FBI"s Field Office in Abuja, Nigeria! Color me impressed. FBI Agents in Africa are so ready to right the wrongs of those nasty old "Corrupt Officials" that they will verify my funds from half way around the world! And it's not gonna cost me but $135.

If you still don't believe in the veracity of this transaction, I have further proof that it's on the up and up. Agent Daniel Mark even provided me with a valid email address (dmark433@gmail.com) and a contact telephone number (234-818-865-4399). Now if that ain't legit, I'll kiss your ass in the middle of Downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd. Wooops! I've written those words twice before and they've and they've come back to bite me in my own ass both times. But not this time, Losers! Hahahaha on you!

Luckily for me, there's a Western Union vendor at the Rite Aid a mere quarter mile from where I live! The stars have aligned for me! No more Mr. Disabled Old Guy With Two Kids Under 11 Years Old for me! I'm finally somebody! A rich somebody!

As if I need further reassurance, the FBI's Field Office in Abuja, Nigeria sent copies of this notification to the United Nations, International Monetary Fund AND World Reconciliation Dept Agencies.

Enough said.

I'm filthy fucking rich and you are all a bunch of Mad Dog 20/20-drinkin' peons. Ha!

I do, however, have one small favor to ask of you before I assume my Rightful Place amongst The Elite. If this thing doesn't work out, could you please see clear to loan me twenty bucks? I'll pay you back next Tuesday.

Thanks.


Dumbasses.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Granny Saves Lots of Cash for Retirement; By Selling Pot!

Best of Dumbass News

Many cultists in members of the Dumbass Horde, myself included, have reached a point in life where our Sunset Years are not that many sunsets away.

I, personally, am very close to needing to turn on the porch light in order to see through the dusk. My constant companion, Artur Itis, has, however, been kind enough to supply me with one of those curly-q CFL porch lights. How magnanimous of him.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking for something, someone to give me hope and inspiration as I transition from Middle Aged Curmudgeon to Full Blown Old Fart. I am ecstatic to tell you, my Beloved Dumbass Horde, that I have found my Seasoned Citizen Guru in, of all places, Oklahoma.

Darlene Mayes, Granny Role Model  
Retirement Planner


Darlene is special.

At age 73 she is an entrepreneur who has struck it rich in her chosen endeavor. Her business encompasses several states including Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, and Kansas. As a matter of fact, Granny's bidness supplies a full forty per cent of her product to this region.

Unfortunately, Darlene's bidness ran into a major roadblock recently and was forced to unexpectedly shut down. Tax problems? Nope. The bad economy? Her product is basically recession-proof, so that ain't the deal. The culprit in bringing Darlene's to a screeching halt was the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics!

Let me splain.

The Herb Superb

You see, Granny Mayes' wasn't selling hand knitted quilts or Afghans or even crocheted doilies for Chrissake. She was selling POT! Latin Lettuce! Mari-fucking-juana! She was what the law enforcement community calls a Drug Kingpin. I. Shit. You. Not. This sweet, innocent looking Little Old Lady was responsible for selling millions of dollars and thousands of pounds of weed in at least four states!
  
When Darlene and her "bidness associates" were busted by the Law, she was in possession of four pounds of pot, a semi-auto pistol and a revolver. Not to mention $276,000 in cash! One her her pot dealers was her son who was popped with several thousand dollars in cash and two LBs (pounds) of potential Manually Assembled Relaxation Devices (joints, fatties, Meskin Marlboros, etc.).

According to the HuffHuffPassPass Post, when the heat went into Darlene's house "cops found the supply in her bedroom, which reeked of weed. A vacuum-sealed bag full of the stuff was found in the closet, and bundles of bills labeled "$15,000" were found under her box spring. They found a pipe and another bag of weed in the bathroom, and a total of $200,000 in more vacuum-sealed bags in a guest room where Mayes' grandchildren reportedly slept."

Darlene feigned surprise and reportedly told the Narcs that all the cheese (cash, for those of you in Kansas) they discovered in her house was "for my retirement". Now that, Dumbasses and Dumbassettes is what is called planning for the future. Except for one thing. All that money was confiscated and remanded to the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics Donuts for a Rainy Day Fund, so Darlene won't see one red cent of it.

She will, however, see the Sun set on her Sunset Years from a lovely cell in a Federal Penitentiary somewhere in the Midwest.

Wasted...such promise, such bidness acumen, such such...

...a Dumbass.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Lion Mauls Lady Having Sex in African Bush!

Best of Dumbass News

Death.

99.99% of the time there is nothing funny about death. In the other .01% of deaths that have some sort of humorous element to it, only a very small percentage those are funny. Let me put it this way: in the .01% of deaths there is "funny" as in "that's horrible" but the unusual circumstances of a particular death may cause us to shake our heads in wonderment. For example, there's the story of the poor woman who was taking pictures of a moving train and was so wrapped up in her work that she didn't hear the train coming up from behind her! SPLAT!

Then there is "funny" as in "haha". The kind of death that falls into this category is a death like that of Hugo Chavez. I'm not playing God here, but if there was ever a human bean that "deserved" to die, it was this murderous, corrupt, Commie ass dictator. So when he bought the farm, millions of people in Venezuela and around the world rejoiced at the thought that El Presidente will now be tweeting from the Eternal Lake of Fire and taking it up the ass from Satan for eternity. Fuck. Him.

Today's story is one of an untimely death that falls into the "funny" as in "horrible" but the unusual circumstances of the death cause us to shake our heads in amazement.And it involves SEX.

Let me splain.

Goin' Out Humpin' 

Dying while doing the Dirty Deed is more common than you'd think. I have written about it on several occasions. One lady died while she and her husband were practicing the Dirty Harry Dirty Deed. For some unknown reason the coitusing couple used a hand gun as a sex toy. This bumoing of the uglies did not end well. Then there's the guy who was cheating on his wife with another couple when he vapor locked smack dab in the middle of the menage a trois.

As weird as these two stories are, they are nothing compared to what happened to a couple of lovers in Africa.
Lurking in the Bush

Bush in the Bush

A woman was mauled to death by a lion as she made love to her boyfriend in the Zimbabwe bush, it was reported today.
Sharai Mawera died yesterday after the beast pounced as she enjoyed a romantic al fresco moment with her unnamed partner.
The My Zimbabwe news website reported that the predator attacked the couple at a secluded spot in the bush near the northern town of Kariba.
Ms Mawera's boyfriend, who has not been identified, is believed to have jumped up and fled in the nude when the lion lunged forward.
A source told the newspaper the young woman died at the scene.
He said: "Unfortunately the woman was mauled to death by the lion, but her boyfriend managed to escape naked."
A friend of the couple told My Zimbabwe Ms Mawera had worked at the local market and that her partner was a fisherman.
The friend said: "He is a fisherman and he used to often meet at the same spot with his girlfriend, who is now deceased.
"The two were romping when the incident occurred. The lion came from behind and roared.
"The guy managed to escape before stopping at a distance where he witnessed his companion being attacked.
"He later rushed to the road seeking help."
My Zimbabwe reported that the terrified man managed to raise the alarm.
Local police and armed rangers from the Zimbabwe Parks and Wildlife Management Authority rushed to the scene.
The source said: "Cops and officers attended the scene and fired a single shot before getting to the spot.
"The woman had already been killed. She had bloody bruises all over her body. Her neck and tummy had been mauled."
Rangers launched a hunt for the lion following the tragedy, amid concern the same animal may have killed a local man who disappeared at the weekend.
The remains of the victim were found yesterday on the outskirts of the town, which lies near the Zambezi river.
Police believe the man, who has not been named, was mauled by a lion as he walked home from a nightclub.
Zimbabwe's state-controlled Herald newspaper reported that officers believed the fact the woman killed yesterday was mauled rather than eaten suggested the same lion could have been responsible for both attacks and not regained its appetite since devouring part of its first victim.
The newspaper added: "Residents of the town are now living in fear as the lions are still roaming freely as there are yet to be caught."

I got nothin'.

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip Mirror.Co.UK***

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Guy Wins Eating Contest, Keels Over Dead On the Spot!

I like contests.

I get emails all the time from web sites that I subscribe to urging me to "Enter to Win!".

I enter, but I don't win.

Ever.

Yet, I enter, time after time after time, hoping against hope that I'll finally bring home the bacon. 

Or the cookware in which to fry the bacon.

I think the last contest I entered was at Food Thoughts of a Chef Wannabe. FTOACW is a food blog (and a damned good one) run by my and Mrs. Fearless Leader's friend Chris. Chris was running a giveaway in concert with some Big Ass Company that makes fancy schmancy cookware.

I didn't win.

Again.

Maybe I should move to Ukraine.

Contests are big in Ukraine.

As a Matter of Fact...

They just had a Dumpling Eating Contest in a Ukrainian village as part of some sort of a local festival. the object of the contest was to see which participant could eat ten potato-stuffed dumplings in the shortest amount of time.

The Grand Prize was (I am not making this up) a one liter jar of sour cream!

The winner ended up being a 77 year old man who downed the dumplings in less than thirty seconds!

The winner celebrated his stunning victory by keeling over dead!

Now, I am reasonably certain that this is not the desired outcome of most contests. As a general rule, contest sponsors really get a kick out of the victorious contestant enjoying his or her winnings. Dropping dead is not a sign of one basking in the glow of the thrill of victory.

You wanna know how the Dumpling Eating Champ died?

He. Choked. To. Death. On. His Own. Vomit!

From ramming ten potato-filled dumplings down his gullet in less than thirty seconds.

No word on whether the runner up was awarded the liter of sour cream after the winner died.

Seems only fair to me.

Dumbasses.

***Photo from BizarreNews.org***

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Autumn Edition: Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Neither rain, hail, sleet nor snow, not even the threat of NSA spying or a Miley Cyrus' tongue bath can keep this Fearless Leader from his appointed Dumbass Newspaper Headlines! 











No wonder she wasn't in her bedroom!









Because of the Ninja Turtles?










A sticky situation.















I hope the lawyer got his fee up front.













I'd like a double dip of CO2, please.



















For psychics only.
















Small stuff.
















Was the surgery to remove the girl found in Colon? (See 1st Dumbass Headline up there ^^^^^)









FAIL.













Finally! A miracle cure for living!

Dumbasses.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Guy Goes to Strip Club. Leaves 3 Year Old Kid in Car Alone!

Best of Dumbass News

I am all about having a good time.

In a former life, that is before Mrs. Fearless Leader threatened to remove my gazebos with a dull, rusty butcher knife, "having a good time" meant beer, tequila and pot. And more beer. And ultimately, if the pot was good, Taco Bell.

Followed by yet more beer.

I don't do that shit anymore, but I have no problem with those that do, given they get fucked up responsibly.

Jordan Caraway did not exercise due diligence when he went out drinking the other night.

Jordan had nothing better to do than babysit his three year old son, so he called up one of his buddies and invited him to go out and have a cold beer.

And see some strippers. 

So they did.

They also took the kid with them.

"But, Fearless Leader," you say, "a three year old kid can't enjoy the virtues of a nice rack and Pole Dancing Professionals in a strip club!"

I respond, "this is true."

Here's the deal....Jordan went into the Jiggle Joint and left his buddy in Jordan's truck to keep an eye on the little boy while The J - Dude went inside to appreciate the fine art of Nekkid Stripper Twerking.

This was a brilliant plan except for a couple of things.
This Guy Put Boobs & Booze Before Babies

  1. No child should be out at one o'clock in the morning under the best of circumstances, much less in a truck with a presumably drunk Dumbass in front of a strip club.
  2. The Drunk Dumbass went into the club and left the three year old kid in the truck alone!
Now while the lure of lapdances and bigguns may be a powerful motivator, it seems to me that the safety and well-being of one's offspring should mitigate such carnal desires - lapdances and bigguns be damned.

Unlike Jordan's and the Drunk Dumbass's mothers, my Mama raised a responsible Drunken Pothead.

My message to all of you Dumbasses of the Male Persuasion is this: if you want to go to the local Ta Ta Tavern, leave the kids at home!

Or bring the strippers to your house.

Dumbasses.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Happy Birthday, Dumbass News!

With all the stuff that's been going on in my life the lat few weeks, I forgot something that should have been as visible as the proverbial elephant in the room.

But I forgot.

Last Thursday, Septemeber 19, marked the Third Birthday of Dumbass News!


I can't believe that I let this slip my mind.

But I did.

Growing Like a Weed

When I first started Dumbass News, I was ecstatic to get 1000 page views a month. Today, I am happy to report that we get about 20,000 page views during any given thirty day period.

It was in March of this year that we went over 150,000 hits for the lifetime of the blog. Today we are over 275,000! For a blog that posts only one story a day, that ain't too shabby.

I attribute this vigorous growth to a few things:

  • Twitter (<-----Follow "Fearless Leader" here) - I have just under 4000 Followers on Twitter. They, in turn, have tens of thousands of Followers between them. One Retweet can go a long way.
  • Ace of Spades HQ - As I have said on many occasions, AoSHQ is my favorite blog, bar none. I bring up Ace because a few months ago one of his cobloggers (tmi3rd) linked to Dumbass News in an overnight thread on the HQ. From that moment on, the readership of this blog almost tripled! Thanks, Morons!
  • Bloggers - I can not overstate the value of discovering, reading or commenting on another blog. More times than not, the commenters and the administrator of the blog you visit will return the favor of visiting, sharing, subscribing to and/or commenting on your blog. To see many of the blogs I read, share, etc., go to the left sidebar and scroll down to Dumbasses I Read. There is a buttload of great reading there. Give 'em a "Like", "Share" or "Follow". You won't be sorry.
  • Guest Posting on Another Blog - Writing stuff for another blog is a lot of fun. Being asked to do so is also an Honor. I have done it a few times and I have some pending offers to do so again, which I will, soon. Engaging the readers of another blog who probably have no fucking clue as to what/who Dumbass News is can be a good way to get more eyeballs here, find new blogs and interact with Potential New Dumbasses. Win-Win-Win.
  • You - Dumbass News  is read by people just like you in 166 countries around the world. This just goes to show you how many Stoopid Fuckers there are on this planet. I sincerely wish that I could personally thank each of the 275,000 of you who have taken time to read and/or comment on Dumbass News over the last three years. Your continued support is noted and much appreciated. Thank you.
While I am at it, let me remind you to follow Dumbass News on FacebookTwitter and Pinterest. You can also have the latest edition of Dumbass News delivered directly into your email inbox - look for the "Get Dumbass News By Email" form in the right sidebar. You can also contact me or send in a Dumbass Story (FREE Hat Tip Included!) via email: realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. If you want to be a Guest Dumbass Blogger, shoot me an email and we'll see what we can workout.

Coming Soon

Two Words: You. Tube.

Are you ready for that?

Dumbasses.

Finding a Natural Gas Leak Using a Bic Lighter! (W/ Splodey Dope Video!)

Fire.

From the day Man first found that a spark from a piece of flint directed at a dry bundle of kindling or grass would start a fire, Human Kind was changed forever.

Man made heat was born.

So was the phrase "medium rare".

Despite the obvious benefits of staying warm during the deep freeze of winter (and grilling a Brontosaurus burger for supper), fire has not always been kind to human beans. See: Chicago; Mrs. O'Malley's cow and the lantern.

See also; flaming snakes and blow torch spider removal

Flamin' up the Ole Zippo while vapors from your meth-making chemicals linger in the air in your house ain't such a good idea either.

Searching for a natural gas leak with a Bic Lighter?


While this is a highly efficient method of locating an explosive fume, it is also, well, highly explosive!

See for your self:



I think he found the gas leak.

Dumbass.


Sunday, September 22, 2013

Step Mom Hate Your Boyfriend? Then Poison Her!

Best of Dumbas News

It was bound to happen again.

Back in September, 2012 (the 2nd Birthday of Dumbass News), I regaled you with the tale of a woman who felt like she was being shunned by her boyfriend. The chick was starving for attention. After much emotional neglect from said boyfriend, she devised a unique way to renew his interest in her. She poisoned him! With nose drops.

To be sure, I am not a big fan of poisoning another human bean in order to attract his or her attention. In this particular case, it appears to me that a more effective, and non-lethal, method of gaining notice from the boyfriend would have been to have made a special dinner for him or perhaps to buy some slutty Catholic School Girl lingerie. 

But that's just me.

Here We Go Again

Today's story is eerily similar to the one I just told you about. Simply, change the word "boyfriend" to "step mother" and it's basically the same deal.

The pissed off female in today's post is Alexis Jennings of Casper, Wyoming. Getting their information from an arrest affidavit, trib.com reveals some of the facts of this case: Jennings, 18, began slipping the drops into her stepmother’s tea and coffee in July 2012. By the time Jennings was arrested in November, the alleged victim had involuntarily consumed about 20 bottles of Visine and was subsequently hospitalized twice.

The obvious question here is why in the name of all that is Holy would a young lady with her whole life in front of her want to poison to death her step mother? Physical abuse? Wire hangers? No! Alexis wanted her step mom pushing up daisies because the Wicked Old Step Mother aid something not nice about Alexis' boyfriend! Well, hell, that explains everything!

The Trib story continues, at first, Jennings told the deputy, she just wanted to make the alleged victim sick, but she eventually determined she’d rather the woman die. Over time, Jennings reportedly increased the dosage from one-sixth of a bottle to one-fourth of a bottle. 

Ways to Avoid the Temptation of Killing Your Step Mother
  1. Ignore her and dismiss any negative things she says about your significant other.
  2. Ask her nicely to shut the fuck up.
  3. Listen to what she says. Maybe Step Mom is right and you need a new boyfriend.
  4. Kick her ass. This method of murder avoidance is a one time deal. If after you pound her face to a bloody pulp she persists in her unacceptable behavior, then and only then is it permissible to escalate your attacks on her to homicidal levels. 
  5. Just kidding about the homicide thing in Number 4.
  6. Count to 10.
  7. Move out.
  8. Kill yourself.
I offer to you these alternatives to killing one of God's children as a Public Service. It is incumbent upon me as your Fearless Leader to do so, to offer you inner peace when the fires of rage envelope your soul. I am here for you always.

If, at this point, all else fails, then it's time to fucking go postal.

Dumbass.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Wanna Marry an American & Become a Citizen? Don't Commit a Felony!

Best of Dumbass News

I am an America and damned proud to be one. I love this country more than everything but God and Family. Evidently there are millions of others around the world who love the good ole USA also. While hundreds of thousands go through the immigration system to become American citizens, others try, and many succeed, in entering the country illegally. Then are the lucky foreign nationals who are already here and trying like hell to stay here. These people realize that we've got it pretty good.

Sometimes immigrants use nefarious ways to gain American Citizenship. Like marriages of convenience - marrying an American citizen in order to not be deported.

Did somebody out there say "Dumbass"?
Lookin' for Love

Well, it just so happens......

Wanting a New VISA (and I Don't Mean Credit Card)

Nikoleta Karoly is a foreigner with a just-about-to-expire-VISA. She desperately wants to stay in the United States. She is so adamant about staying here that she was willing to marry her boyfriend so she would not be sent back to her country of origin, which no doubt is some Communist Hellhole. Like Massivetwoshits.

There was, however, one teensy weensy hitch in Niki's plan to marry her beau and remain in the US. The groom-to-be did not want to be a groom. No matter how you view this situation, this minute detail throws a monkey wrench into Niki's plan. Another small detail not to be overlooked is the fact that Nikoleta is now a felon.

Well, somebody sure pissed in her Cheerios, didn't they?

Wedding Bell Blues

Upon being told that The Guy did not want to marry her, thereby blowing her immediate chances of not being deported, Niki became a bit upset. And by a "bit upset", I mean she beat the shit out of her boyfriend. Yep, nothing says "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, you American pig" like a good ole country ass kickin'.

According to the American Pig Boyfriend, this was not the first time that Niki was violent towards him because he was hesitant to marry her. I, for one, am all about a serious "come to Jesus" meeting when it's necessary to the plot, but this is not the method best-suited for encouraging one's lover into the Holy bond of matrimony.

But, then again, I am a Dumbass. What do I know?

What I Know

I know that:
  • Nikoleta Karoly is now in the Collier County (FLA) Jail.
  • Nikoleta Karoly may well spend some time in a nice comfy Florida State Prison.
  • Nikoleta Karoly will not become an American citizen.
  • Nikoleta Karoly's boyfriend is a pussy for letting a woman beat his ass.
And.....
  • Nikoleta Karoly will not be getting married to an American Pig any time soon. Unless it's to a fellow inmate at an FLA Women's Correctional Facility whose nickname is "Spike" who is also in The Slammer for beating the shit out of her boyfriend.
Dumbass.

Friday, September 20, 2013

"Disabled" Lady Goes Zip-lining, Spins Wheel on "Price Is Right" While Collecting Workman's Comp! Gubmint Is Pissed Off!

A little background.....

Many of you will be familiar with what I am about to write, however, many more of you won't be.

I recently went through the ordeal of being declared "disabled" by the Federal Gubmint. And by "ordeal" I of course mean two and a half years of constant, soul-crushing appeasement, doctor's visits and filling out enough paper work to reach to Saturn and back.

Thank God, I had an attorney to handle much of this gargantuan task for me.

I am beset with severe osteo-arthrits, fibromyalgia and a shit load of 3 and 4 letter mental illness syndromes/disorders. I'm not complaining, that's just the way it is. There are others with health issues that make mine look like a mosquito bite in comparison. What they must endure going through this process is not only stressful as hell, it is, at times, demeaning and brutal.

My point is that no matter how apparent the medical difficulties one faces, the Feds don't give a shit. After all, I worked from the time I was about 10 years old shining shoes at Wade Wood's barber shop next to Wakefield's Grocery in Irving, Texas until November of 2009 walking sometimes eight miles a day back and forth from my house to my job at Best Buy in Augusta, Maine - in spite of all my health issues. This doesn't make me a "hero", it does, however, make me one determined SOB.

Did I mention that the money I was trying to get from the Gubmint was MINE? Yup, the Feds were kind enough to withhold a certain percentage of every dollar I earned for over FORTY years and then forced me to wander aimlessly through a maze bureaucratic bullshit for almost three years before I could get my own damn money back from those bastards?

Bottom line: this is not an easy undertaking.

Unless you lie.

And cheat.

Like Cathy Cashwell.

Cathy Cashwell, Come On Down!

A North Carolina woman's workers' compensation claim was exposed as a fraud when she appeared on The Price is Right and spun the "big wheel" twice.
Cathy Wrench Cashwell, a former mail carrier, claimed she couldn't lift mail trays into a truck due to an on-the-job shoulder injury in 2004, WRAL reports. She pleaded guilty to fraud on Monday.
In September 2009, Cashwell appeared on The Price is Right, where she "raised her left arm above her head and gripped the handle with her left hand," according to an indictment filed last fall. On a second spin, "she raised both arms above her head and gripped the same handle with both hands."
Cashwell was later spotted zip-lining on vacation with her husband in 2010 and lifting and carrying bags of groceries with both arms in 2011.
Federal investigators said Cashwell lied on her workers' compensation claim when she wrote she couldn't stand, sit, kneel, squat, climb, bend, reach or grasp. - Toronto Sun
My Observations  
  • WTF?
  • "...couldn't stand, sit, kneel, squat, climb, bend, reach or grasp...". She must have had a helluva time trying to take a piss.
  • Until now, I was unaware that a shoulder injury prevented one from "standing, kneeling or squatting". 
  • If one can not sit nor stand, what does one do, levitate?
  • This broad must have been wearing a full body cast.
  • How did she zip-line in a full body cast?
  • Oh, wait! There was no full body cast because this Dumbass is a lying sack of aardvark dookey.
  • Instead of "The Price Is Right", she should have gone on "Jeopardy". Those little hand held buzzers can't be that heavy. "I'll take "Fraud & Felonies" for 600, Alex.
  • I don't know which is more scary, the fact that Cathy is a thieving dipstick or that the Federal Gubmint followed her all over the place in order to gather all this information on her.
  • Is the Gubmint spying on me, too? Remember I am disabled just like Cathy. Except for real.
  • The Gubmint can kiss my ass.
  • So can Cathy.
Dumbass.
    ***Hat Tip to Dumbass Keith Jones***

    Thursday, September 19, 2013

    Lady Gets Parking Ticket; Attacks Cop w/ Cup of Doo Doo!

    "Let's throw this against the wall and see if it sticks."

    Usually that saying refers to an idea.

    Or spaghetti. (to see if it's done)

    What if the proverbial idea and/or spaghetti were doo doo?

    Funny you should ask.

    Ticket to Ride

    A Nice Lady down in New Jersey was out on the town, which in Joisey could mean "tooling around for nightly drive-by shootings", when she parked her car in the wrong place.

    Upon completing her nightly drive bys her errands, she returned to her car to find a parking ticket. This did not sit well with the Nice Lady.

    It was at this point that the situation went to shit. 


    Literally.

    HuffPo fills us in: According to the Jersey Journal, the officer was leaving work at the Hoboken Parking Utility offices at City Hall on Sept. 11 when she was accosted by the angry woman. After the officer told the woman she was going to get her supervisor, she says the woman threw a substance in her face, which was later confirmed to be feces. The species of origin is unclear.
    "The attacker told cops she had gotten upset about a parking ticket because she thought she was being targeted because she is Latina," the newspaper reported.
    The 39-year-old woman initially denied she had thrown the poop at the officer, but later allegedly admitted it, telling police that she'd scooped the poop off the ground with a paper cup. She was issued a summons for disorderly conduct.

    I am quite concerned about this sort of behavior.

    My Concerns

    • Police Officers have a tough enough job to do without people throwing shit at them.
    • Even if they do raid the wrong house from time to time.
    • What the hell kind of Dumbass would actually track down a cop to exact some sort of revenge over a fucking parking ticket?
    • A Dumbass with the reasoning skills of a wad of chewed-up-and-spit-out bubble gum.
    • Disorderly conduct?
    • Are you shittin' me?
    • How about "assault with a chemical weapon"?
    • This is doo doo of Unknown Origins.
    • How can we determine what species the offending poop came from?
    • Get DNA samples from all the hookers working the area in and around Hoboken.
    • After all, the Shit Bomb was scooped up off the ground.
    • Hookers in Hoboken are famous for "pinchin' a loaf"  whenever and where ever the urge hits.
    • Look for suspicious dogs also.
    • Even though it's hard to differentiate them from the hookers.
    • Do the Police in Hoboken racially profile all Female Dumbasses?
    • Or just Latina Dumbasses?
    • Or only brown hookers.
    • Or brown dogs?
    • I don't know.
    • I also don't care.
    Dumbass.

    Wednesday, September 18, 2013

    Guy Kills Other Guy; Judge Says Pay $36,000 for Funeral!

    I  have written many stories about dead people for Dumbass News. For a plethora (<==gratuitous El Guapo link) of reasons, I have deemed that each of these stories contained the requisite amount of dumbassery needed to make it into "print".

    Some Examples of Dead Guy Stories

    Strangely enough, and befitting this blog, two of the most popular Dead Guy Stories involve sex. I'm tellin' ya that there's a lot of dyin' goin' on when people are bumpin' uglies.

    In one story, the woman said, "Ooooo Big Daddy make my day!" That's when the gun went off. See for yourself.

    Another Biggie is the one about the guy that was cheating on his wife and died during a threesome!

    One of the most popular stories in the History of This Blog is about the Frozen Dead Guy of Nederland, Colorado. I used to live in Nederland, so I can personally vouch for the authenticity of the Frozen Dead Guy.

    A Different Kind of Dead Guy Story

    While the aforementioned tales of the crypt are certainly Dumbass News-worthy, the lack something that today's Dead Guy Story has - revenge from the grave! 
    Deposit $36,000 Please


    Here's the thumbnail version: Guy kills another guy. Family of Dead Guy sues killer for the cost of the victim's funeral. Judge grants Family of Dead Guy's request. Nothing unusual - yet.

    The Catch: Dead Guy was a member of Hmong (pronounced "mung") religious sect. The thing is that Hmongs have large funerals. Very large funerals. In this case the Big Adios lasted more than three days and included food and drink for all 500 guests. The tab? Thirty-six large. $36,000. Thirty-six grand.

    Upon getting the ruling, the Killer's lawyer went ape shit, saying that the average funeral costs only about $8000. The Judge in the case told the defense attorney "tough toenails, asswipe", your client owes these people 36 Great Big Ones. Hizzoner also stated that it didn't appear to him that the Dead Guy's Family was running up the tab, they were just following Hmong tradition.

    That's some tradition they've got goin' on there. Hell, when the time comes for me to buy the farm, my survivors could invite everyone I know and 500 people wouldn't show up. Those who do show up, however, can throw back more likker than 500 Hmongs.

    Easy.

    Don't even get me started on how much food they could inhale.

    And there ain't a Hmong amongst 'em.

    Dumbasses.

    Tuesday, September 17, 2013

    Dumbass Doctors Opine on ObamaCare!

    It seems, Fellow Dumbasses, that Medical Doctors who practice in fields that deal with conditions from your head to your toes, including your ass, are not what one would conclude to be "happy' with the Impending Doom that is ObamaCare. 

    Dumbass News Correspondant Kev in Wisconsin files this report:

    The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package :

    The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the  



    Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.


    The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,

    The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

    Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception,

    Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
    Commie Pinko Scam


    Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"

    The Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"


    The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

    Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

    The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter".

    The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

    Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

    In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.


    Remember folks, these are Medical Professionals, members of the Dumbass Doctors Against Commie Pinko Health Care, sharing with you their innermost thoughts and opinions what it's gonna be like when this Turd Sammich, ObamaCare, is fully mplemented.

    God help America.

    Except for Commie Pinkos.

    Let the fuckers squirm in their Socialistic Shit Hole like a pig in bat guano.

    Dumbasses.


    ***Hat Tip to My Long Time Friend & Fellow Green Bay Packers Fan, Kev the Cheese Head***

    Monday, September 16, 2013

    Dumbass Guy Home Decor Ideas!

    Here at Dumbass News, we are diligently vigilant in our never-ending quest for ways to make your life better.

    Our due diligence includes, from time to time, Dumbass Shopping Tips.

    For example, in this post we showed how some Dumbass thought it was a great idea to buy pot from another Dumbass whom you met on some kind of X-Box gaming community. And have it shipped to his home by way of the United States Postal Service! I think we can all agree this a stoopid thing to do.

    On a few occasions Dumbass News has been your go-to source for online shopping while sitting on the toilet! 

    Wanna buy Mom an extra special gift for next Mothers Day? Look no further. 

    Let's not forget Dear Old Dad! If Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, Sr. were alive today, he'd no doubt be thrilled to be the recipient of one or more of these Dad's Day Doo Dads. But given the fact that my Dad has been DEAD for over nine years, I think it's safe to say that, as cool as they may be, very few of these dandy gifts would be appropriate for the occasion. Me, on the other hand....

    Enough about giving shit to other people. Let's concentrate on some things that Dumbass Guys in the 165 countries around the world that read this blog can do for themselves.

    Dumbass Guy Home Decor Ideas

    Marsmallows Not Included.

    Seats 4 Dumbasses or 10 Cylinders 

    Nice Companion to the Engine Block Table

    For the Dumbass Kitchen

    Dumbass Ginsu Knives

    Nothing Runs Like a Deere

    Out of Sight, Out of Mind

    Dumbass Shelving

    For the Dumbass Toilet

    Throne Fit for a Fearless Leader

    90 Proof Soap

    This One's for Dad

    Is It Scented?

    Last, But Not Least...

    Dumbass Man Cave

    Today is my 57th birthday.

    Feel free to send any or all of this shit.

    Thanks in advance!

    Dumbass.

    ***Thanks to Uncle Robert in San Antonio, Texas***

    Sunday, September 15, 2013

    N C Possum Drop vs PETA!

    This time they've gone too far!

    And I am mad as hell!

    The Annual New Years Eve Possum Drop in Brasstown, North Carolina is no more. The local church choirs that once sang hymns at the Possum Drop will be silent. A tribute to war veterans also becomes a casualty. After more than two decades of pure family fun, the Brasstown Possum Drop has come to an end thanks to PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and a pole cat of a judge.  
    PETA Member


    FoxNews.com fills us in: A judge ruled Tuesday that a state agency didn't have the authority to issue a permit for the event.
    "Citizens are prohibited from capturing and using wild animals for  pets or amusement," Judge Fred Morrison wrote in his ruling. "Hunters must afford wild animals the same right Patrick Henry yearned for: 'Give me liberty, or give me death!'"
    People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals had sued the N.C. Wildlife Resources Commission, which issues the permit for the event, saying it's illegal and cruel. 

    Clay Logan, founder of the Possum Drop festivities said the possum is well fed and cared for by a veterinarian. During the event, it is placed in a plexiglass cage and lowered for 10 seconds. Shortly thereafter, the animal is turned loose into nearby woods, he said. A new possum is used each year, in part, because of their short life spans. A 3-year-old possum is considered old, he said.
    Logan said the possum drop will continue in some form, although he won't break the law. This challenge by PETA marks at least the third time that someone has challenged the drop, he said.

    What in the name of all that is Holy going on here? You'd expect this kind of shit from PETA because that's what they do, the idiots. But an Officer of the Court quoting Patrick Henry for the benefit of a possum thus overruling the very state agency that is responsible for the maintenance and preservation of wild animals in North Carolina? The way I see it is that if the guys at the Wildlife Commission say the Possum Drop is OK, then I don't have a problem with it. Screw PETA and the Judge.

    Sure, the possum is gonna be pissed off for a little while, but it could be much worse. He (the possum, not the Judge) could have an up close and personal encounter with a Ford truck on a local highway.What then? Would PETA sue the Ford Motor Company and would the Judge issue a temporary restraining order against F-150s? The answer is yes, the shit-stirrers at PETA probably would sue Ford and only God knows what this moron of a Judge would do.

    What's next? That groundhog in Pennsylvania?

    I hereby urge the fine citizens to unite against this unwanted and unethical gubmint intrusion into their God-given Constitutional right to have their yearly New Years Eve Possum Drop! This tyranny must not and will not be tolerated! The pursuit of happiness must not be infringed upon by the overreaching arm of a rogue jurist! Write and/or email your Senators and Congress Persons and express your outrage at such a blatantly lawless attempt to subvert your rights by a Judge who obviously has not seen nor read the part of the Constitution that says "Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's possum!" Or something. It's in there somewhere, trust me on this one. I implore you to rise up in look this type of unAmerican, Commie lechery square in it's bloodshot eyes and say, "enough!" Never surrender! Use the ballot box to rid yourselves of this power hungry adjudicator! He is a pox upon your fine community!

    Alternatively, you could substitute a member of PETA for the possum.

    Dumbasses.

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