My late Dad used to tell me that he wishes he was born rich instead of good lookin'. I face that same dilemma, but it's a burden that I must carry until I am "The Late Toby", which I hope is no time soon. The point is that if my Dad had been born rich instead of drop dead handsome (like me), then he would not have had to drive a truck for over 40 years and at least 6 million miles, most of that in Texas. I can tell you this: it was a rare occasion when Dad called in sick to work. Nowadays, people call in sick with some really, shall we say, "creative" excuses for not showing up to his/her job.
While doing my usual
This is gonna be good.
These are actual excuses used by actual Dumbasses for not showing up for work.
Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work
Excuse: A cow broke into my house and I have to wait for the insurance man.
Fearless Leader: Three letters: B B Q. Enuff said.
Excuse: A chicken attacked my Mom.
Fearless Leader: Does Mom make B B Q chicken?
Excuse: My finger is stuck in a bowling ball.
Fearless Leader: Since you can't B B Q a bowling ball and the only good fingers are steak or chicken fingers, let me get my chain saw. Adios finger. Problem solved. Fucking sissy.
Excuse: My hair transplant has gone bad.
Fearless Leader It ain't gone half as bad as the size 12 I am gonna put up your ass will "go bad".
Excuse: My girlfriend threw a Sit-n-Spin through my window.
Fearless Leader: was she on the Sit-n-Spin at the time of this incident? If she was, she's a keeper. If you know what I mean and I think you do.
Excuse: I was on a boat in Lake Erie and I ran out of gas and the Coast Guard towed me to the Canadian side.
Fearless Leader: Grab a case of "Moosehead", an OZ of Canada's Finest and walk across the surface of Lake Erie back to the USA side. I have done this before. With good weed, anything is possible. Eh?
Excuse: My foot is caught in the garbage disposal.
Fearless Leader: Are you related to the chick with the Sit-n-Spin? If so, I hope you are a girl. I'm just sayin'.
Can you believe that shit?
I know that many Americans are lazy Dumbasses with the ambition of a spit wad, but, really, can't you stoopid fucks do any better than that? Whatever happened to real excuses for missing work?
- Somebody stole my weed and I can't get motivated to work without it.
- Or...did someone bring a keg to work today? If so, I'm in. If not, I have to go buy one so I'll be spending the day at home doing "scientific research" on how much Pabst Blue Ribbon causes a hangover.
It ain't purty, folks.
It ain't purty.