Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: November 2013 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work!

Best of Dumbass News

My late Dad used to tell me that he wishes he was born rich instead of good lookin'. I face that same dilemma, but it's a burden that I must carry until I am "The Late Toby", which I hope is no time soon. The point is that if my Dad had been born rich instead of drop dead handsome (like me), then he would not have had to drive a truck for over 40 years and at least 6 million miles, most of that in Texas. I can tell you this: it was a rare occasion when Dad called in sick to work. Nowadays, people call in sick with some really, shall we say, "creative" excuses for not showing up to his/her job.

While doing my usual looking for something to steal from another site in-depth research, I came across a web site named The Hiring Site. The following list of excuses for missing work are quoted verbatim from that site. My commentary will follow each "excuse".

This is gonna be good.

These are actual excuses used by actual Dumbasses for not showing up for work.

Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work

Excuse: A cow broke into my house and I have to wait for the insurance man. 
Fearless Leader: Three letters: B B Q. Enuff said.


Excuse: A chicken attacked my Mom.
Fearless Leader: Does Mom make B B Q chicken?

Excuse: My finger is stuck in a bowling ball.
Fearless Leader: Since you can't B B Q  a bowling ball and the only good fingers are steak or chicken fingers, let me get my chain saw. Adios finger. Problem solved. Fucking sissy.

Excuse: My hair transplant has gone bad.
Fearless Leader It ain't gone half as bad as the size 12 I am gonna put up your ass will "go bad".

Excuse: My girlfriend threw a Sit-n-Spin through my window.
Fearless Leader: was she on the Sit-n-Spin at the time of this incident? If she was, she's a keeper. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

Excuse: I was on a boat in Lake Erie and I ran out of gas and the Coast Guard towed me to the Canadian side.
Fearless Leader: Grab a case of "Moosehead", an OZ of Canada's Finest and walk across the surface of Lake Erie back to the USA side. I have done this before. With good weed, anything is possible. Eh?

Excuse: My foot is caught in the garbage disposal.
Fearless Leader: Are you related to the chick with the Sit-n-Spin? If so, I hope you are a girl. I'm just sayin'.

Can you believe that shit? 

I know that many Americans are lazy Dumbasses with the ambition of a spit wad, but, really, can't you stoopid fucks do any better than that? Whatever happened to real excuses for missing work? 

Stuff like
  • Somebody stole my weed and I can't get motivated to work without it. 
  • Or...did someone bring a keg to work today? If so, I'm in. If not, I have to go buy one so I'll be spending the day at home doing "scientific research" on how much Pabst Blue Ribbon causes a hangover. 
There are a million of 'em, but the lame ass excuses above could have come from a guy on a street corner selling "Excuses to Miss Work Today" cards for 10 bucks a pop. The sad thing is that so many Americans would stand in line to get a good excuse to skip work, even if it cost $10. Meanwhile, the guy on the corner selling the excuses is working his ass off and getting rich at the hands of a bunch of lazy Occupy Wall Street pussies who smell like some NFL lineman's ass after a double overtime preseason game in Dallas. In August. 

It ain't purty, folks. 

It ain't purty.

Dumbasses.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Weird Job Interview Turns Dumbass Into a Whiny Bitch Boy!

Best of Dumbass News

Unemployment is a bitch.

And not just in the United States.

The rate of joblessness in Wales is, like ours, hovering around 8%. (this is Dumbass News' FIRST ever story from Wales!)

With so many people out of work and so few jobs available, when a company announces that it is hiring locals rush to interviews like Miley Cyrus twerking a married man's junk - vigorously and with great fervor.

Thus begins the Search for Meaningful Employment for Alan Bacon.

The Application Process

Curry's is a retailer in Wales similar to Best Buy here in the U S.

Curry's got the word out that they would be interviewing prospective employees.

Alan, a recent film school graduate, jumped at the opportunity.

Or rather, he danced at the opportunity.

Allow the NY Post to elucidate. 

Having spent a week preparing for the job and ready to talk about his love of astronomy, he was caught off-guard when the applicants were taken to a back room and told to dance in front of the crowd.
“Everyone initially thought it was a joke,” said Mr Bacon, who has recently graduated from film school and dreams of making science documentaries.
“I just felt so embarrassed and uncomfortable. I ended up dancing to ‘Around the World’ by Daft Punk, doing rubbish robotics in my suit in front of a group of strangers.
“I told my dad it was like a scene out of ‘The Office.’ I would have walked out but I need a job,” Bacon told the BBC.
This got me to thinkin'.
What I'm Thinkin'  
  • What exactly is a "Group Interview"?
  • Is it like "Group Sex"?
  • Group Twerking?
  • "...dreams of making science documentaries..."
  • Is a College Degree in "Science Documentary-Making" as useful as a College Degree in Liberal Arts?
  • Does Curry's actually have a Science Documentary- Making Department?
  • Better yet, does Curry's have a Liberal Arts Department?
  • If a potential employer asked me to dance as part of a job interview, I'd tell him to go suck a Big Green Swamp Donkey Penis.
  • Unless I was drunk.
  • But I don't drink.
  • So suck it, Hoss.
  • "Embarrassed"?
  • "Uncomfortable"?
  • You would have left, but you "need a job"?
  • A job is more important than your self-respect?
  • You danced anyway though?
  • I am certain that the front door at Curry's has a small sign on it that reads "Exit".
  • Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
  • Alan's first "Science Documentary" should be on "How to Grow a Pair".
  • For himself.
  • You are a pussy, Alan.
Dumbass.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Images From a Dumbass Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving, Dumbass Horde!

Saying grace.....
I'm a Leg Man Myself
Drop the Knife and Back Away...Slooowly


R.I.P.
Bass-ackwards

Boldly Going Where No Turkey Has Gone Before

Buuuuuurrrrppp

I Don't Eat Anything Whose Name Starts with "Turd"

This.


Dumbasses.



Bonus:


Wednesday, November 27, 2013

It's a Dumbass Thanksgiving If.....

Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all!



It's a Dumbass Thanksgiving if...
… you’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table.
… Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
… you’ve ever reused a paper plate.
… if you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
… if you’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
… your turkey platter is an old hubcap.
… your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
… your stuffing’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
… your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
… side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
… you have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
… the directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
… you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
… you have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
… your secret family recipe is illegal.
… you serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.

***This list is all over the internet, but I got it from Stray Thoughts***

Monday, November 25, 2013

Dumbass & Elephant He Saved Reunite! Elephant Kicks His Ass!

I love animals.
And not just the ones that taste really good when cooked medium rare.
As a matter of fact, I am a cat owner. Or should I say that The Cat owns me. Her name is Lou Lou. My family and I adopted Lou Lou (then named "Charlie") from an area Pets Mart that partners with the local Animal Shelter in finding "Forever Families" for dogs and cats without homes.  
I have also written many animal-themed stories on Dumbass News.   
Lou Lou
Much to the chagrin of PETA and Animal Rights Commies
Possums, rare birdsasses and moose have all been prominently featured on these very pixels.
Today we direct our attention to Earth's Largest Terrestrial Animal - the mighty and noble elephant.
Reunited With Simba
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so P eter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply
Not Lou Lou
embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stoodfrozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son home from college early after impregnating his girlfriend. Peter and son were having a father and son talk while Peter’s wife was out shopping for crib bedding for her future grandbaby. 
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
I got this story on Facebook, so it has to be true.
Dumbasses.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Bomb Threat at Guacamole School!

A while back I posted the first "Guide to Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work". I knew that I had covered only a few of millions of reasons to take a day off from your job.

There's one excuse I left off that list that'll blow you away when I reveal it to you.

It's also a felony.

Let me splain.
Fighting Avacados!

There's this private school in Denver named Escuela de Guadalupe, which is Meskin for "School of Guacamole". The Gucamole School employs a physical education teacher whose handle is Jennifer Gomes, which is Meskin for "Jennifer Gomes".

One day Senorita Gomes decided that she wanted to take a day off of work and she came up with an utterly flawless idea, and by flawless I mean fucking stoopid, that would not only give her the much-deserved day off she wanted, but everybody (students, teachers, administrators, janitors) at the Guacamole School would get to stay home too!

I know you're thinking, "how could a simple PE teacher accomplish something of such a grand scale?"

You Dumbass, what else could she do but call in a bomb threat!

I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up.

It is said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity, well the Guacamole School PE teacher has firmly entrenched herself on the Dumbass side of that line.

Imagine the joy and smiling young faces, not to mention the thunderous chorus of "Gracias, Senorita Gomes!", from the Little Fighting Avacados (Fighting Avacado is the school mascot) when they found out that she alone was responsible for this unscheduled school holiday. On the other hand , the estudiantes will be throwing rancid tamales at the pendeja when they find out they'll have to make up this day later in the school year.

At any rate, Ms. Gomes is now charged with a felony for Making a Bomb Threat at a Guacamole School, which in this barrio in Denver is a right of passage. I can say this because I have been to many barrios in the Greater Denver Area and I can assure you that not a single one of them will appear on the cover of Better Homes and Garden or on a Top 10 Best Places in America to Live lists, so I am not at all out of el line-o here. Paraphrasing The Bard, "a Dumbass by any other color would be as fucking stoopid".

Besides, Senorita Gomes did it for the children - her little Fighting Avacados.

Dumbass.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Best of Dumbass News - Dumbassisms: Only in America!

Best of Dumbass News!

couple of posts ago I mentioned that I am big on sayings. You know what I mean. Those witty one liners that makes so much sense you wonder, "Why the Hell didn't I think of that?"

A few days ago I got an email from a good friend of mine in Texas, who would like to remain anonymous, so I will refrain from telling you that his name is Ted Nicolai. So Ted my friend shoots me this email with all these cute one line observations on it and I would like to share some of them with you.

I shall call these witticisms "Dumbassisms". I would call them Tedisms, but the words "Ted" and "Dumbass" are interchangeable and I like the word "Dumbass" better than the word "Ted". If I liked "Ted" better, I would have named this blog "Ted News", but I didn't. Besides, everybody knows what a Dumbass is and nobody cares about what a Ted is.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Tedisms Dumbassisms
  • Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  • Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  • Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
But Wait! There's More!
  • Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
  • Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 Finally
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I know the answer to the last one. It's to make the dishwashing liquid taste better! I thought everyone knew that. Geez.

I told you that the words "Ted" and "Dumbass" were interchangeable.

Ted.

I mean...

Dumbass.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Dumbass Signs & Billboards!

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind,
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?
~Five Man Electrical Band~



Earth first!

True Romance.


Eat moar chikkin.


Search Terms.


Dicking Around.


Rammin' Noodles.


Rammin' Noodles Served Here.


Suck One Down.


No Roaming Charges.


I'm Not as Drunk as Some Thinkle Peep.


No Shit.


Nuts!


Dumbasses.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Ten Indicators That You Are Covered By ObamaCare!


Otherwise known as "The Health Care Clusterfuck".

Ten Indicators That You Are Covered By ObamaCare

10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

3. The only expense covered 100% is "Embalming."

2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

1. You were actually able to sign up!

Dumbasses.

***Thanks to my Mom for the List***

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Stoopididity & Ordering Cheeseburgers Via 9-1-1!

Best of Dumbass News

Some people are just too stoopid.

They are breathing my air. And I don't like it. Not one bit. Dammit.

There's really not much we can do about this epidemic of stoopididity. I mean we can't just go around looking for the Terminally Stoopid and lock them up and throw away the key, can we? If we did that, there would be 60-something million fewer Democrat voters (hope and change!), but that would be wrong.

And illegal.

But mostly illegal.

There is a solution to this dilemma, however. Ninety-nine per cent of the Terminally Stoopid are pro-choice, right? In that case, I choose to spay and/or neuter every damn last one of 'em! It will take a generation or so before they all keel over, but in the meantime they will be unable to reproduce, therefore virtually eliminating stoopididty.

I am willing to do this for the betterment of my Country and the future of my children and grand children.

That's just the kind of guy I am.

And you can thank me later.

Nine. One. One. 
9-1-1 Burger

We've done a few stories about Dumbasses and the emergency call number 9-1-1. One guy we wrote about called 9-1-1 to order a beer delivery! Another shit for brains went one further and dialed up the emergency call center and threatened to kick the cops' asses! Quick note: Mrs. Fearless Leader DVRed "American Idol" and is watching it as I type this. I may call 9-1-1 myself before I can finish this post! I hate that damn show!

Now back to your regularly scheduled Dumbassery...

Our story today is about a Hungry Dumbass. A really hungry Dumbass. This idjit got so hungry he did what any mentally deficient moron would do when they get a ad case of the munchies. He called 9-1-1 to order a cheeseburger!

Nine times! If at first you don't succeed....

52 year old Gregory Jackson, Sr. of New Castle, Indiana is the Dumbass In Question.

From WISH-TV comes this transcript:

DispatcherDo you have an emergency sir, because you dialed 911.
JacksonI dialed 911.
DispatcherYeah you dialed 911. ...
DispatcherOK, so why did you call 911 for, what do you need.
DispatcherDo you have an emergency?
JacksonA cheeseburger.
DispatcherHave a good day.
Jackson then called back into the emergency phone line.
Dispatcher911, Your emergency.
JacksonYes, I just spoke with you. You hung up on me.
DispatcherWell I asked if you had an emergency. You said no, you needed a cheeseburger. So we don't take cheeseburger orders.
And still, Jackson calls back demanding a cheeseburger from the dispatcher.
DispatcherYou know if you give me some information maybe we can try and help you out.
And finally, the dispatcher was on the phone with Jackson when the authorities arrived on the scene.
DispatcherYou hear them knocking?
JacksonYes.

The cops did not come bearing cheeseburgers.

And Gregory is in a shit load of trouble.

At least where he's going he'll get three squares a day, though I am not sure if cheeseburgers are on the menu.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Scientists Discover Earth's Oldest Living Thing! Promptly Kill It!

You Dumbasses know me.

I am a Science Guy - a Guy Who Likes Science.

I am not a Scientist.

Unless you count the Science of Walking Around in a Drunken Stupor. I am a Former Professional Drinker, so I know of which I speak.

I am fascinated by people who study the mysteries of the Earth and the Universe. They have some of the coolest jobs in the world. Many Scientists travel the planet seeking answers to The Unknown and discovering Neat Shit about our Big Blue Marble.

On the other hand, some Scientists are Dumbasses.

Like "Climate Change Scientists".

I say this not because I think Climate Change (Globull Warming or whatever) is a bunch of bullshit, which I do, I say this because it's The Truth.

Oldest Living Creature on Earth

Several years ago, 2006 to be exact, a group of "Climate Change Experts" from Bangor University (that would be BU in north Wales, not BU in Bangor, Maine) were doing some Climate Change Expert Shit o the seabeds off Iceland when they found a clam.

A very old clam.

By counting the rings inside the clam's shell (like counting the rings on a tree to figger out how old it is), the Climate Change Experts determined that said clam was 405 years old!

These guys had discovered The Oldest Known Living Thing On Earth! 

This was maybe the Most Important Scientific Discovery of their careers! That is, other than the discovery of how to manipulate data to fit their agenda "proving" that man-made "Climate Change" is real.

These "Climate Change Experts" may be "experts" on Climate Change, but they are Total Dumb Fucks when it comes to clams.

You see, when the Total Dumb Fucks on Clams opened this four hundred five year old clam, something unexpected happened.

IT DIED!

On the spot.

Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 clams.

It was later found out the Climate Change Clam was over five centuries old! That's over 500 years, folks.

One of the Climate Change Experts, Paul Butler said, "We got it wrong the first time and maybe we were a bit hasty publishing our findings back then."

Ya think?!

I am sure that this is of great comfort to the Dead 507 Year Old Clam. 

One good thing did come from this misadventure, however.

The 507 Year Old Clam gave his life for Science.

And he didn't die waiting to sign up for ObamaCare.

Dumbasses.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Firefighter's Nightmare: Penis Stuck in Toaster!

Toasters.

One of the simplest, most enduring inventions of the Industrial Revolution.

And a staple of opening new bank accounts since the 1940s.

I like toasters.

Think: toasted bread, Pop Tarts and penises.

Whaaaaa.....??????

Merry Old England 

England has been around as a sovereign nation for something like eleventy!!!111!1!1!! bazillion years.

Old Blighty has also been a Kingdom since Ye Olde Times.

As a matter of fact, the first monarch of England was a Cave Guy named Grok.

It has given to the World Shakespeare, Sir Isaac Newton, Jack the Ripper, a school course on UFO-Greeting, fishermen catching SCUBA divers by the scrotum, and now, Toaster Fucking.

The London Fire Brigade is asking the public to use some "common sense" after firefighters assisted a man whose penis was stuck in a toaster. (UPI) 

That's gonna leave a mark.
LFB - Saving Penises From Toasters Since 1865


The story continues that over the last three years, London Fire Fighters have been summoned to calls involving "an adult stuck in a child's toy car and 79 people who were unable to free themselves from handcuffs donned for amorous purposes, nine men with rings stuck on their privates, four people with their hands stuck in blenders and five people with their hands stuck in paper shredders. The Mirror Reported Monday."

Observations 

  • When does the London Fire Brigade ever have time to, you know, actually fight fires?
  • With all the British Dumbasses with their hands caught in blenders and paper shredders, is it any wonder so many of the English population are left-handed?
  • Seventy-nine people stuck in handcuffs?
  • As long as "amorous purposes" doesn't involve farm animals, it's OK.
  • Rings on their privates?
  • I guess that's not as weird as a salad fork up your weenie.  
  • Jolly good show.
Dumbasses.

***Hat Tip to Dumbass Emeritus, stoo (who has never stuck his penis in a toaster)***

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Fish Die in Fish Truck Wreck; PETA Wants Roadside Memorial Erected!

Best of Dumbass News

I am a fisherman.

Correction: I am a damn good fisherman.

More than fifty years experience will do that to a guy.

Each time I head out to the lake, river or creek, I set out with the notion in mind of decimating the local fish population.

Metaphorically speaking of course.

Fish. Fear.Me.

Having said all that, let it be known that I fastidiously follow all fishing rules and regulations when I am on the water. Fact is, I rarely ever even keep any fish after one of my fish-slaying extravaganzas. I practice catch and release 99.99999% of the time.

Going fishing for me is more like "going to Church". I talk to God on a regular basis, but there's something about fishing that brings me closer to the Almighty. I feel more at peace when I am fishing than at any other time. Is it the solitude? The calming effect of the water? I don't know, but I do know that Jesus hung around with a bunch of fishermen, so it can't be all bad.

Crying Over Spilled Fish

I bring up fishing today because of the following story from United Press International:

IRVINE, Calif. (UPI) -- An animal rights group is asking a California city to put up a sign acknowledging the suffering of fish that died in a traffic incident. 
Irvine resident Dina Kourda wrote a letter to city officials on behalf of People for the Ethical


Treatment of Animals asking for a sign to be placed at the site of the October crash to recognize the suffering of hundreds of saltwater bass that died when a truck carrying the fish collided with two other vehicles Oct. 11, The Orange County Register reported Tuesday. 
Kourda said she wants the sign to remind truck drivers of their responsibility to the animals who are "hauled to their deaths every day." 

"Although such signs are traditionally reserved for human fatalities, I hope you'll make an exception because of the enormous suffering involved in this case," the letter read. 

"Research tells us that fish use tools, tell time, sing, and have impressive long-term memories and complex social structures. Yet fish used for food are routinely crushed, impaled, cut open, and gutted, all while still conscious. Sparing them from being tossed from a speeding truck and slowly dying from injuries and suffocation seems the least that we can do," Kourda wrote. 


 My Thoughts
  • Are. You. Kiddin'. Me.?
  • We are dealing with PETA and Cal-ee-forn-ya here, so, no, they ain't kiddin'.
  • Fish are meant to be eaten. The Son of Man ate them and that's all the approval need to eat them.
  • It's very difficult to make a Filet O' Fish without fish.
  • Is it just me or is it really offensive to compare the fish that perished in a traffic accident to the loss of a human life in a traffic accident?
  • Re: the Dead Fish Memorial Sign, see the comment directly above this one. Also, when you see a roadside memorial that marks the spot where a living breathing human being DIED, doesn't it make you keenly aware of the dangers of drunk driving or something like that? A sign memorializing dead fish lacks, shall we say, impact?
  • If I were to see a "Fish Died Here" sign on the side of the road, I'd get hungry and start looking for the closest Long John Silver or Catfish Cabin.
  • Members of PETA are also against dancing shrimp.
  • Go fishing and take home a limit then send a photo of your catch to your nearest PETA office just to piss them off.
  • Eat more fish.
  • Screw PETA.
Dumbasses.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Hooker Rips Off Dumbass! Dumbass Calls Cops!

Stories about hookers have long been a staple here at Dumbass News. Some our tawdry tales of tantalizing tarts even involve the police!

In keeping with our tradition of trashy trollops (OK enough with the alliteration), we once again present to you a story of prostitution. This time with a twist.

Bitch at the Beach

It should come as no surprise that an ocean front town would be a likely locale for hookers. Old Orchard Beach, Maine (about 70 miles south of where I am sitting) is no exception. OOB is a touristy kind of town with people coming from all over Northern New England to enjoy the ocean and other seaside amenities. And by "seaside amenities" I of course mean whores.

Dumb Fuck
Take Scott Pipher for example.

Scott made it all the way to Old Orchard beach from Portsmouth, New Hampshire. After enjoying the brisk waters of the Gulf of Maine, Scott decided it was time for some of the seaside amenities he had heard of. So, he set out to find a hooker.

He found one.

10 Minutes Short

Police say a man called them to complain a prostitute hadn't given him his money's worth – so they arrested him.
Police say New Hampshire resident Scott Pipher was arrested this week. The 34-year-old is charged with engaging a prostitute.
Old Orchard Beach, Maine, police say Pipher called them to complain a woman he'd hired "shorted him by 10 minutes."
Police say their investigation also led to the arrests of two women believed to be prostitutes contacted by Pipher through a website.

Now I am not familiar with the unwritten Rules of Being a Slut, but being a man with an alphabet soup variety of mental illnessesdo know that a visit to the Crazy People Doctor is supposed to be an hour long but is usually only about 45 minutes in length. Maybe similar rules apply to whores - you pay for an hour, you get 50 minutes. To put it into more of a hooker context, you pay for "around the world", you get a "trip across town".

I dunno.

Options

I'll go out on a limb here and suggest that even if you were "short changed" by a slut, calling the local  constabulary to file a complaint is probably not the best idea of the day. You'd have far better luck in lodging your gripe with the area Hookers Union. Or, possibly, a nice pimp will listen to your tale of woe and hunt the bitch down and express his extreme displeasure about the way she does bidness and encourage the young lady to make good on the 10 minutes or happily refund 1/6 of the price you paid the broad to contract a sexually transmitted disease from her in the first place. (Math Note: 10 minutes = 1/6 of an hourthus the refund of 1/6 the agreed upon price) 

Then again, you could:
  • Accept the fact that you were ripped off by a whore, leave it at that and move on. Lesson learned.
  • Deal only with hookers who carry the union label.
  • Look in the Yellow Pages for prostitutes who are members in good standing (or laying as the case may be) of the Better Bidness Bureau.
  • Not spend your hard earned money to have sex with a crack ho.
  • Find a more reputable hooker.
  • Slap the monkey.
  • Find more wholesome "seaside amenities" to blow (pun intended) your cash on.
Dumbass.

***Thanks to HuffPo & SeaCoastOnline***

Friday, November 15, 2013

Drunk Homeless Guy Passes Out in Back of Garbage Truck!

I have been telling you about the Dumbass Things that Dumbasses do for over three years now. And no matter how weird the story, there eventually will be another Dumbass pulling the same Dumbass Stunt.

Today's story is an encore presentation. Not of the Best of Dumbass News variety, but of the "some Dumbass was bound to do it again" type. Here's the original Dumbass News story that relates to today's tale.

This activity involves Drunk Homeless Guys and I'm afraid it's giving a bad name to Drunk Homeless Guys all over the country. As a former Drunk Homeless Guy, I am truly concerned about the sullying of the image of my Drunk Homeless Brethren.

can not and will not stand for it!

A Fad?

"Hold on, Harold! I think there's a Drunk Homeless Guy in there!"
The activity I'm talking about is homeless guys from Portland, Oregon that get drunk and do something stoopid, like, oh, I don't know, maybe crawl into the back of a Waste Management trash truck and pass out, thus risking being squeezed to death like a rotten tomato. This is not typical behavior for the seasoned Drunk Homeless Guy, so I can only assume it is rookie Drunk Homeless Guys ruining the fun of being a Drunk Homeless Guy for all Normal Drunk Homeless Guys.

Normal Drunk Homeless Guys may crash on a park bench or on the steps of the Public Library, maybe even under a nice comfy bridge, but NEVER in the bidness end of a garbage truck!

You can see where my problem lies.

I hope like hell that this is not a fad or some Red Chinese Communist Plot to ruin the good name and untarnished image of Drunk Homeless Guys all over America. Better dead and homeless than Red and homeless! That's my motto!

Dumbass at Hand

The Dumbass in our story today got all shit faced and decided that driving home was not an option. Good choice. He could have killed dozens of Drunk Homeless Guys and Liberals had he driven an automobile while fubar'ed. This is unacceptable! Drunk Homeless Guys are people, too! Fuck the Liberals.

Wait! Did I imply that this guy had a car? Lemme re-check. Yes! I did! Knowing that little tidbit of information that may have been overlooked by an ordinary Dumbass without my Drunk Homeless Guy Street Cred, I can now conclude that this is indeed a Red Communist Chinese Plot to ruin the Red Blooded American Drunk Homeless Guy!

As I delve deeper into the available facts of this case, this Red Commie Drunk Homeless Guy was not homeless at all AND, get a load of this, he twice avoided being crushed when the garbage truck compacted its load! Only a well-trained foreign Red Chinese Communist Drunk Fake Homeless Guy Secret Agent could pull of this caper!

OK, I concede, this incident could have been a mere accident, with no involvement from the Official Red Chinese Communist Ministry of Drunk Fake Homeless Guys.

He could just be a....

Dumbass.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Dumbass Domino Trick! With Video!

Dumbasses are a diverse bunch.

While hardly professionals at anything but Dumbassery, The Dumbass Horde runs the gamut of Human Endeavor.

For Example

We have Dumbasses that are:


Then there are Dumbasses who do really stoopid shit.


Such as Dumbass Domino Tricks. 

Using between twenty and twenty-five THOUSAND dominoes.
And I ain't talkin' pizza here, folks.



It took two guys 3 months to plan and execute this little stunt.

It's not like they had anything meaningful to do during those 90 days....you know meaningful things like JOBS to go to.

But they prolly smoked a lot of weed to come up with and pull off this deal.

Bravo!

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Look! Mom's Robbing a Bank & She's On TV!

BREAKING DUMBASS NEWS: Your Fearless Leader is sick.

And I don't mean The Good Kind of Sick like writing Lezbean Pron under a pseudonym such as Idontsuk Weinerscnitzel - not that kind of sick.

I was supposed to have some surgery done tomorrow, but since I flat don't feel good, I had to re-schedule it for early December - that kind of sick.

In light of this Tragic Turn of Events, and by "Tragic Turn of Events" I naturally mean "here's another episode of ......."

Best of Dumbass News!

It takes a Special Breed of Dumbass to rob a bank.

One Dumbass held up a bank, fled the premises and then, realizing the meager amount of money he had stolen, went back into the bank to get more!

Another Shit-For-Brains knocked over a bank, got the cash and quickly exited the place and promptly hopped into his getaway bus! A City bus.

Ramping up the Dumbassery to astronomical heights was a chick named Jasmyne. After one of her bank heists, she went home and promptly implicated herself on Facebook!

While today's story involves a bank robbery, there's a twist to it that would make Chubby Checker contort himself up like a pretzel.

Let me splain.

Film at Eleven

On a recent night a Guy in Byron Township, Meech-i-gan was settling down at home getting ready to watch the local TV news.

One of the stories on that evening's newscast was of the robbery of a local Bank of America branch. The Thief was a schlub (in this case a female schlub) who needed some money to support her habit. The Female Schlub presented the bank teller with a note saying that she was robbing the bank in order to do some good stuff for her grand kids. Of course, in this case, "grand kids" means "crack cocaine".

God Bless America!
During the presentation of the news story, a photo of the alleged bank robber was flashed across the TV screen. The Guy took a look and thought, "Damn! That lady looks familiar!".

There is a good reason that the face of the alleged crook rang a bell with The Guy. 

It was his mother!

Upon seeing his mother, as recorded by a bank surveillance camera, on Eyewitness News at 11, plastered across TV screens all over Meech-i-gan, The Guy could have reacted in numerous ways.

Let us explore those ways:
  • Hi, Ma!
  • Neat! Mom's on TV!
  • Mom has a shirt just like the one that lady is wearing!
  • Damn, that's one ugly bitch!
  • Holy shit! That ugly bitch is my Mom!
  • All right! My college loans will be paid off!
  • Except I didn't go to college.
  • I can finally get a new X-Box!
  • Dammit! Mom's going to prison! Now I have to move out of her basement!
  • Call the cops.
He called the cops.

And Mom's on her way to The Big House .....and I don't mean that Big Ass Football Stadium in Ann Arbor.

Dumbass.

***Thanks to The Blaze***
***Image from WOOD-TV***

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Guy Threatens to Kill Neighbor Who Farted!

Best of Dumbass News

Fearless Leaders lead.

That's what I do for you every day.

I lead you. I lead you into the depths of human depravity and Dumbassery.

I must say, however, that this blog can be educational as well. Today for example, we will study etymology. Wikipedia defines etymology thusly, "the study of the history of words, their origins, and how their form and meaning have changed over time." 

The word we'll take a look at today is one that is used and actually practiced daily here at the Dumbass Dome. The word is "fart". I know it will come as a surprise to many of you that your Fearless Leader would engage in such juvenile vulgarity. (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough)

Moving right along...

As we all know, "farting", or in the vernacular, "letting one rip", "here's a kiss for you" or "cutting the cheese", is the process in which digestive gasses are forced through the anus at super sonic speeds. This type of "fart" is often referred to as a "gasser". Men are the main emitters of such farts, truck drivers being the most notable. My Old Man was a trucker for over 40 years and, believe you me, I know a gasser when I hear one.

Females, on the other hand, "fluff" or "poot" when they emit anal gas., with "fluff" being the quieter of the two types of farting.

How "Fart" Came About

Not being an expert in etymology, I have turned to others more knowledgeable than I. A brief look at the word "fart" from Wiktionary informs us:

Etymology

Pronunciation

Verb

fart (third-person singular simple present fartspresent participle fartingsimple past and past participle farted)
  1. (informal, mildly vulgar) To emit digestive gases from the anus; to flatulate.
  2. (colloquial, usually as "fart around") To waste time with idle and inconsequential tasks; to go about one's activities in a lackadaisical manner; to be lazy or over-relaxed in one's manner or bearing.
Edified yet?

An Almost Gone Gasser

On the surface Daniel Collins of Teaneck, New Jersey looks any other 72 year old would-be felon galavanting around the city. Recently, however, Daniel erased "would-be" from his resume.

Although not yet convicted by a jury of his peers, Collins' likely destination in the very near future is Prison Bitchville.

This Guy Hates Farts
You see, Dirty Dan had an ongoing dispute going on with one of his neighbors when the feud erupted. Literally. The neighbor was coming home from a drunken night of heavy crack cocaine usage when he was strolling by Dan's apartment door. As he was meandering through the hallways of Teaneck's finest soon-to-be condemned slum, he had the urge to fart.

So he did.

It was this gaseous emission that sent Daniel Collins over the edge.

Upon hearing the fartage from his passing neighbor, good ol' Dan rushed to his dresser drawer and grabbed a handgun! He then confronted the fartor while brandishing said firearm and threatened to "put a hole" in his head. Letting one rip in public is certainly not very courteous, but "putting a hole" in the gasser's head is a bit of a harsh reaction when a simple "quit the fucking farting in the hallway, you uncivilized asshole" would have sufficed. Geez, some fucking people. But at least this is the USA, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, where a man can still fart without fear of persecution from the Gubmint. A deranged neighbor may blow your shit away, but you can still fart free!

It goes without saying that Dan was arrested and believe it or not, released from jail on his own recognizance! What. The. Hell!

Justice awaits Dan "The Man" Collins. If there is any Justice (and irony) in the world, he'll get the gas chamber.

Dumbass.
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