Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Cat Box Chaos (And Alcohol) Lead to Feline Felony! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Cat Box Chaos (And Alcohol) Lead to Feline Felony!

The Post-Op Healing For Surgery In the Region Near the Fearless Leader's Manhood is not going so well.

On Thursday, January 16, I had a surgical procedure performed to correct a hernia.

It was a doozy.

The hernia, not the procedure.

However, as you Dumbasses of the Male Persuasion can easily postulate, any time a medical device honed to the sharpness of a Samurai sword is used in the general area of a man's thingy, anxiety, much swelling and the lingering feeling of a sun-hot fireplace poker being rammed into your Groinal Region are your constant companions.

I am on a first name basis with Anxiety, Much Swelling and the Lingering Feeling of a Sun-Hot Fireplace Poker Being Rammed Into Your Groinal Region. 

I'll be better in a day or two.

Until then....

For SaleLike-New Sun-Hot Fireplace Poker That Has Been Rammed Into
                My Groinal Region.
                Fearless Leader autograph extra.

Best of Dumbass News

Earlier this year my family and I adopted a cat from the local Humane Society through Petsmart.

Her name is Lou Lou.
Lou Lou

On October 11 Lou Lou celebrated her 3rd birthday. We know that October 11 is her birthday because it was written on the little info card attached to her cage at Petsmart.

And my ten year old daughter said so.

Thus, it is.

Before we went out and brought Lou Lou into our family, I told the aforementioned ten year old and her six year old sister that taking care of a cat ain't easy. I explained to them that there are certain responsibilities that come with pet ownership - feeding her, making sure her water thing is full (and clean), brushing her, etc. And by "etc." I mean "Cat Box Turd Removal Duty".

I told The Girls that if we got a cat that it would be their job to do all the feeding, watering, brushing and Cat Box Turd Removal Duty. "OK, Daddy!", they gleefully (and loudly) agreed.

I was so proud of them.

For about three days. 

Long story short, after about three days of diligently doing Lou Lou-related chores.....

I think you get where I am going with this.

Speaking of cats....

75 Miles Northeast of the Dumbass Dome

Up in Bangor,
a Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone went to her neighbor's apartment to (ta da!) ask to use the the telephone!

The Neighbor With the Telephone had a visitor who was less than receptive to the idea that The Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone had knocked on the door asking to (ta da!) use the telephone. The Visitor began to scream at The Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone that "the whole building reeks of a foul aroma because you are somewhat lax in performing your duly appointed Cat Box Turd Removal Duty." OK, he actually said "this building smells like sweaty swamp donkey ass because you won't clean the cat shit out of the litter box, you skanky bitch!" 

Or something very similar.

The Visitor then proceeded to shove The Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone to the ground and smack her around.

Now, I am against smacking around Cat Owner Ladies Without Telephones unless it is necessary to the plot. In this case, it was clearly not necessary to the plot. 

The ensuing Police Report says that The Visitor was "visibly intoxicated". 

You don't say!

The Visitor is now a guest of the Penobscot County Crossbar Hilton.

He has been assigned Single Visible Cold Steel Toilet in An 8 x 8 Cell Prisoner Turd Removal Duty.

Don't Drop the Soap Duty is optional.



  1. Cats are evil. They are planning to take over the world. This is a start.

    1. Lou Lou is living proof of that.

    2. Ahhhhh yes . . . scoopin' chalupas, my second most favorite job.

    3. That's why I have delegated the Chalupa Scoopin' to Issy.

    4. LOL . . . doesn't sound like that's workin' out so well for you.

  2. I'm not a fan of cats. But I get it....some people like having Mr. whiskers fluffykins hanging around their house pooping in a box. The problem is....Mr. whiskers fluffykins turns into Mr. I'm going to claw out your eyeballs and scratch your face off in a matter of you have to be careful ya know. My chihuahua hot dog looking thing is annoying enough...;)

    1. Our cat Lou Lou doesn't jump up on our bed much but when she does she inevitably lands EXACTLY on the spot that I just had surgery on - pre-op and post-op.

      At least she doesn't scratch our eyeballs out.


    2. You should be grateful that she doesn't weigh 18 pounds like my tomcat does. He jumps up and lands in the same spot that Lou Lou does.

  3. Lou Lou looks like an absolute doll, though! :) Y'all could train her to use the toilet. :D

    1. Thanks, rara!

      We love Lou Lou, but she's lazier than any cat in the history of cats. Instead of training her to use the toilet, we have get her on a train TO the toilet!

  4. Sweaty swamp donkey ass.....

    I'm still cracking up over that. Thank goodness I haven't just had groin surgery or I'd be popping my stitches.

  5. You have no idea how difficult it is for me to sit here writing this shit without spewing my innards out of the Incision in My Groinal Region.

    I kill me.

    1. My personal favorite is obese donkey balls (ODB's).


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