Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Cop Smacks Girlfriend, She Kung Fu's His Ass With Justin Bieber Doll! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Cop Smacks Girlfriend, She Kung Fu's His Ass With Justin Bieber Doll!

Best of Dumbass News

Today's story involves a cop and is one of the weirdest yet to appear on Dumbass News.

That's saying a lot considering the fact that we've written about cops being attacked by sex toys, cops whose police cruiser has been pissed on and a little diddy about a cop who tasered a female cop's ass, in the police station! No matter how much dumbassery those stories reek of, they do not compare to the stoopididity that awaits you in this beauty.

Domestic Disturbance
Bitch Slapped By Justin Bieber Doll

Domestic violence is, sadly, all too common in the United States. Sometimes these incidents involve police officers. Let's face it though, that being a cop has to be one of the toughest jobs in the world. These guys gotta be wound tighter than a Britney Spears alarm clock, even at home. That's still no excuse to put your hands on a woman in a violent manner.

That said, let's move on.

Our cop in question today is a member of the Denver Police Department. Michael Nuanes got into an argument with his girlfriend when things got, as they say, out of control. There was the usual pushing and shoving and throwing things. As a result of this confrontation, Michael is filing suit against his gal pal for being mean to him and injuring him with thrown objects.

Did I mention that the thrown object that "injured" Nuanes was a Justin Bieber doll?


A Justin Bieber doll!

Dude, Justin Bieber himself couldn't hurt my 5 year old daughter, much less a trained police officer. Upon seeing Nuanes' mug shot, I thought the guy played linebacker for the Green Bay Packers and he says he was injured, on the foot no less, by a Justin Bieber doll??!! Dude, you are a fucking crybaby.

Are You Kiddin'?

From the story on HuffPo: "According to an Adams County Sheriff's Office affidavit via the Smoking Gun,   "Nuanes stated that [his girlfriend] had thrown a 'Barbie Doll' at him, which bruised his foot and [said] that it hurt ... Nuanes pointed out a 'Justin Bieber' doll, which was the item used to injure him." He also said she "bit his finger and that it also hurt."

Well, hell, that makes a world of difference.

She bit his finger too!

Good Gawd Almighty!

I wonder what would happen if this guy had to arrest a real criminal like, let's say, a gang member or a murderer? Curl into the fetal position and start sucking his thumb? Oh, wait.. He's already proved he's a tough guy by beating on a woman. My bad. He wouldn't curl up and suck his thumb. He'd shit his pants, then curl up and suck his thumb.

On second thought, I have seen Justin Bieber has been wearing leather lately and that, in and of itself is a pretty scary sight. The doll must have been leather clad as well.

I almost forgot! You wanna know why the disagreement between Nuanes and his girlfriend started in the first place?

Wait. For. It.

She had yet to change her Facebook status to "In a relationship"!

Are. You. Fucking. Kiddin'?

I can almost hear the Dumbass In Chief  (that would be Preznit Stompy Feet for all the Yoopers in the audience) calling for the Feds to clamp down on Facebook. "Ban the Relationship Status" on Facebook! "Facebook Hates Women!"

The possibilities are endless for an enterprising Commie Pussy.

What I Think

Where do I begin?

First, Michael Nuanes has no place in the Denver Police Department or any civil service position. He's a coward, a bully and a big pussy for laying his hands on a woman like that.

Second, send the cocksucker to prison and let him find out how fun it is to be slapped around by somebody bigger than he is.

Third, while he's in the Big House, send him a lifetime supply of Soap on a Rope. If he were to drop a regular bar of soap in the prison shower, the right to remain silent goes out the window.

Fuck Michael Nuanes.




  1. What a total asstard. He deserved to be hung upside down and played like a pinata. I wonder if he got pissy because she wouldn't change his diaper, too.

    1. I like the pinata idea! Give a group of hungry fat kids an aluminum ball bat and let 'em go. The Dumbass will look like chopped liver within a minute and a half.

      Thanks for reading and taking time to comment, Terrye!

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  2. I think the underlying issue here is that someone actually has a Lieve it to Biebah doll.

    1. I wish I had thought of that, Bones.

      Flat. Funny.

    2. Too Funny Bones
      And BTW whose doll was it????
      Lady Bren

    3. That's the $64 Question, Lady Bren.

    4. You have Shittany Spears, Linseed Whorehan, pug-faced Smiley Cyrash, that little shit Just in Bievah and the entire Carcrashian klan for the current crop of losers.

      Their parents should be given a royal bitchslap for not turning them over a knee and tanning their dumbasses when they all were 5 years old instead of foisting them on us long suffering general public types.

      And then there's the media providing them a world stage to act out on. I don't know what's worse . . . people who act this way or people who have to make sure everyone knows about it.

    5. Wait . . . there is something worse . . . the dumbasses who follow these twits through the media.

    6. You've hit the nail on the head, Bones.

      When your daughters marry the likes of Kanye and Lamar Odom, you have FAILED as a parent.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I'm just shocked someone really has a Justin Bieber doll!


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