Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Face the Facts: Why Some Dumbasses Can't Get a Job! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Face the Facts: Why Some Dumbasses Can't Get a Job!

My buddy Matt Vaughn in Texas is a Man of Uncommon Common Sense. 

He served his country in the United States Navy as a Corpsman (I think).

Matthew is also the brother of one of the best friends I ever had, Mark.

Side note: As I was typing that last sentence the was a knock on the door. Make that a POUNDING on the door. I thought it might be the Secret Service raiding the Dumbass Dome because I call Preznit Obutthurt the Dumbass in Chief. It was the UPS Guy delivering Scentsy inventory to Mrs. Fearless Leader. Obama is still a Dumbass. Take that, Secret Service!

About ten years ago Matt had a "pet" fish that he was going to flush. I stepped in and took custody of the Future Flushee. 

I named him Clyde.

Clyde and I traveled the Fruited Plain together - from Texas to Ohio back to Texas, finally landing in Colorado. And all points between.

I actually had a bond with that damned fish. We had a cool feeding ritual that involved strippers and Scientology. OK...I made up the part about strippers and Scientology. But if anybody could initiate a really cool fish-feeding ritual involving strippers, my money would be on the Scientologists.

Clyde and I did have a cool feeding deal though.  He'd come to the top of the water in his aquarium and damn near take his food right out of my fingers.

I marvel at the stoopidest stuff.

Plus, I was a Professional Drinker at the time.

Clyde was my buddy.

He died on Christmas Eve, 2004.

I miss Clyde.

Why Can't I Get a Job?

Matt Vaughn, who has brought several stories to my attention, sent me these photos of people not in the work force.

They don't have jobs not because bidnesses ain't hirin' or crummy economic policies emanating from our Federal Gubmint, but because they are Stoopid Fuckers! 

And the fact that they never took time to read the Dumbass News Job Hunting Guide.

I can't get a job because: (read caption under photo)...

I need a haircut.


I look like a pimp from an Indiana Jones Movie wearing this gold chain.


My Throat Comes Unzipped at the Most Unfortunate Times


I Grind My Teeth
I am Allergic to Magnets


I'm Horny


On a Job App, Under Dad's Name I Have to Write "Satan"


There's a Strict "No Snakes In Your Ears" Policy


I Keep Tripping Over My Lower Lip & Spilling the Super Size Fries


People Think My Nose Ring Is a Door Knocker


My Names is "Edward Scissornose"


I Was Giving the Boss a BJ and Then "It" Happened


Dumbasses.

25 comments:

  1. Except when you figure out how to market your dumbassery:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0ZmmQoAYgo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That was actually pretty awesome.

      Delete
    2. Demonstrated the effectiveness of the product, to be sure.

      Delete
  2. I'm officially freaked out now...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm officially freaked out now...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hahaha! My friend and I were just talking about this. This generation of younger people who do this to themselves are clueless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hell when I first got my ear pierced about 30 years ago, folks in Small Town, Texas thought I was some kind of Hell's Angel or something. (I had long hair too).

      Nothing like these morons though.

      These poor bastards are FUCKED.

      Forever.

      Delete
    2. LOL . . . I remember what you looked like with long hair. You really need to put up a pic of yourself from back in the days.

      Delete
    3. You are right, Bones.

      I'll do that one day soon.

      Thanks, amigo!

      Delete
  5. WHOA! It hurt to look at these pics. Especially at Satan's son. Suddenly I'm not hungry for dinner. LOL.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is brickhousechick, I commented under a different name. #technologicallychallenged

      Delete
    2. El Hijo del Diablo es muy feo.

      Porque no tienes hambre?

      Dumbasses, cuchita49 has a really neato blog. I just discovered it a few days ago and am already a fan! Click on her name and it'll take you right to the blog's home page.

      Tell her "Tonto de Culo" sent you!

      Delete
  6. Good lord - how do these people get dates? It's like Halloween every day for them, too. Ugh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. On Halloween, these idiots go dressed as normal people.

      Thanks for stopping by, Lorraine!

      Delete
  7. Because the show Carnivale was cancelled. Shame it got all religious at the end.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wouldn't not hiring them simply on account of their grooming and clothing styles be considered a form of "discrimination"?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bwahahahaha!

      Good question, Tal!

      I think there is an exception to that in the "Scaring the Shit Out of Kids & Giving Old People Heart Attacks Claue" in anti-discrimination laws.

      Delete
    2. Hey, Dumbasses!

      Go check out Tal's blog "The Silent Forum"!

      http://thesilentforum.blogspot.com/

      Delete
  9. That's fucking HORRIFYING! I don't know which one is worse!! Gonna have nightmares tonight for sure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Teri...I can sell you some "Fearless Leader Holy Water & Sleeping Elixir" for only $19.95....

      But wait! There's more!

      Thanks for the comment!

      Delete
  10. I see a target rich environment for my Glock . . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Watch out, Bones...the SPCA might come after you!

      SPCA = Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Assholes.

      Delete
    2. Simply more targets . . . ;>)

      Delete

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