Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Hoarders Lose Dead Granny Under Garbage in Storage Unit for 18 Years! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Hoarders Lose Dead Granny Under Garbage in Storage Unit for 18 Years!

OK, Dumbasses, I have personal news to pass om to you.

I am going to be extremely busy for the next couple of days doing Real Life Stuff. 

Then on Thursday the 16th I will be in the hospital for some surgery. 

Nothing major, but it will put me out of commission for a few days at least.

Bottom Line: I will be running the Best of Dumbass News for several days. New Dumbasses will get a chance to read some stuff that they haven't seen before, and Long Term Dumbasses can relive some of the Magic That Is Dumbass News.

That said, I'll still be online, but I am fairly certain I shall be under the influence of some Physician Prescribed Pharmaceuticals which will no doubt limit my ability in putting together Coherent Written Dumbassery. 

Yeah, right.

Consider This an Invitation To Be Seen by Dumbasses in 173 Countries Around the World

If you'd like to do a Guest Post for Dumbass News, shoot me an email (realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com). Your Guest post can be something new or perhaps an older post that you'd like to get some new eyeballs on.

Please be sure to keep on stopping by every day, and while you're at it, enlighten all Non-Dumbasses by sharing Dumbass News through all the social media buttons over on the right side of the page.

I'll certainly appreciate your support while I am stoned recovering.

At any rate, thanks for being The Best Dumbass Horde a Fearless Leader Could Ask For!

Best of Dumbass News

Have you ever seen that TV show "Hoarders"?

Each episode features some Dumbass who has a serious problem disposing of stuff he/she has in his/her home and just keep stockpiling junk until the inside of his house looks like an indoor land fill. The squalor these people live in is frakkin' disgusting.

Some Crazy People Doctors say that hoarders suffer from some sort of mental disorder.

I say these doctors are correct.

Hoarders are fucking nuts.

I think the word "hoarder" comes from the Greek inhalusadhesivusalotis which translates to "I sniffed too much model airplane glue and now I am almost as smart as an amoeba". Keep in mind that this is a rough translation.

Hoarding Mom

When you saw the subtitle of this portion of today's story, you probably interpreted it as "a Mom who hoards". You would be wrong. It means "hoarding Mom" as in "that Dumbass Broad is hoarding her Mom!"

Who died in 1994.

This is a significant milestone in the art of hoarding, with many layers of Inter-Generational Dumbassery involved.

Let me splain.

You see, the dead lady was a hoarder. When she went to that Big House Whose Inside Looks Like a Landfill in the Sky in 1994, she was hoarded by her daughter, Bobbie, who was also a hoarder. The daughter later died but before she said the Big Adios, she told her daughter, Rebecca, about Grandma. Bobbie told Rebecca that the family couldn't afford to ship Grandma to her home state of Alabama for burial, so she (Bobbie) put Grandma in a storage facility! Yes! Like a U-haul storage facility where it appears she has been kept since her death in 1994! The cherry on top of this Dumbass Sundae is that the daughter/grand daughter, Rebecca, has known since last year that Granny was entombed, as it were, in the storage unit! My guess is that chunckin' a dead family matriarch into a storage bin is the Redneck equivalent of an Egyptian pyramid. 

I'm just sayin'.

Sworn to Secrecy

Rebecca said nothing about Grandma being in storage because she was sworn to secrecy by her Mother- that and being eat up with the Dumbass. You gotta give this Dumbass Bimbo credit where credit is due though. As she had promised her Mom, she kept her mouth shut about their little secret. Her lips were sealed so tight you couldn't drive a straight pin between 'em with a jackhammer.

You wanna know how it was found out where Grandma was?

The rent on the storage thing was left unpaid for long enough that its contents were set to be auctioned off! Just think about it, if Bobbie and Rebecca had only thought this thing through, their story could have been told on Hoarders.

And Granny could have been a star on another reality TV show, Storage Wars.




  1. Yikes. Dafuq is wrong with people?

    1. No kiddin'. Unless one is a criminal (or a Dumbass), who on God's Green Earth keeps a secret about AND the body of a DEAD lady?

  2. Sweet Decomposing Baby Jesus.
    Thank you for sharing this. Why? Well my mother is Hoard-a-deadbody level crazy, so only the very worst episodes of Hoarders actually make me feel better about myself. Which is the only reason anyone watches that literal shitshow. I totally needed an ego boost and I feel like a million
    clams. I will actually email you and try to come up with a rul good shitshow post for your recovery. I hope you get some good pain meds, and you do some great writing while on them. Use your resources, bro. Or at least share?

    1. You are absolutely right, Joy. I am terrible about linking to my sources. I'll do better at that.

      Huffington Post has a "Weird News" section that is a major source. In their articles they have links to the original story source as well. Otherwise, I just use Bing and go from there.

      If you want to do a Gust Post, I can give you the keys to the place as an author and you can work straight from the Blogger word processor page.

      Just let me know!

    2. Ahhh yes, Huff Po, that bastion of liberal fucktard journalism. When you're out reading them, the real dumbasses aren't the people in the story . . . they're the ones posting comments to those stories.

    3. You just gave me a great idea for a blog post - HuffPo Comments!

    4. That's where the real DUMBASSES hang out.

    5. When I read those dumbass comments it makes me miss the good old days of dopeslapping the shit out of them on the old AOL politics boards . . . LMAO.

  3. I bet that storage unit had a pretty fragrant dead air about it when opened!

    1. It probably smelled like Little Old Lady perfume.

  4. Good luck with your surgery. I hope you have a speedy recovery. Tweet us updates. Thinking of you xx

    1. Thank you, Steph! It's 6:20 PM local time as I type this and I getting ready to go to bed. PAIN!

      See you tomorrow.

  5. Sweetie, You're probably under the knife while I'm writing this so i'm sending Unicorn Poop and Rainbow Dust your way.
    Personally I'd attempt writing while enjoying the benefits of prescribed happy candies ~ you never know what could happen but I guarantee we'll all be gloriously entertained.
    If you become completely desperate I could share my latest (unpublished) rant. However knowing some of your fans aka snarkfest and shitastrophy I can't hold a candle to their snarkiness
    Please keep us posted on your recovery :)

    1. I'd love to publish your latest, Lady Bren!

      And thank you for the kind words.

      I am kinda stoned right now (meds from surgery), so I'll get back to you and we'll get your post up.


    2. Toby, I highly doubt the meds your doc prescribed could beat her unicorn poop and rainbow dust.

    3. I gotta get my meds changed then.

  6. Now that's one locker I'd PAY to see Dave open on Storage Wars. Yuuuup.

    Hope you're feeling well and the doctors do right by you, Toby!

    1. Bwahahaha!

      Ole Dave probably knows a "Dead Granny Appraisal Specialist"!

      Thanks, Snarkanurse-a-lita!

  7. I hope that your surgery goes well.


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