In just a few dozen short words, we will announce the winner of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award!
I know that you have been waiting with bated breath for The Big One.
| This Is The Big One! |
Sadly, your breath smells like it's been baited with sun-dried aardvark liver.
But first....this brief interlude...
2013 delivered us a Deluge of Dumbassery.
This Stash of Stoopididity served up a surplus of silliness.
OK, OK....I'll aggressively abstain from any more alliteration.
Maybe.
A lot of good shit came down the Dumbass Drainage Ditch (alliteration!) in the 2-0 to the 1-3.
A Review of The Dummies So Far
Let us recount some of the more, shall we say "Memorable" Moments of Madness that oozed from the news like pus from a rancid boil on Michael Moore's ample swamp donkey sweaty ass.
- Flaming Dumbass Award
- Dumbass Felon of the Year
- Most Romantic Dumbass of 2013
- Best Dumbass Newspaper Headline of 2013
- Dumbass Family Demolition Derby at the Cemetery - When it comes to remembering The Dearly Departed, nothing says "paying respect to the dead" like a monster truck-like rampage in the graveyard!
- The Old Fork in the Penis Sex Game! - Yep.
- Paying the Water Bill With Narcotics! - In this story, a Dumbass was simply trying to take advantage of the Acid for Agua Program at his City's Water Department.
- Guy Wins Eating Contest! And Promptly Keels Over Graveyard Dead! - In lieu of bringing food to the Wake, the Dead Guy's Family asks that you simply "fuck off".
- Feline Felony: Cat Box Chaos! - A Near Death Experience involving a dispute over cat shit.
Who saw that coming?
We have seen a LOT of crazy shit over the last three-plus years of writing Dumbass News, including Port-O-Potty Doo Doo Divers, but we have never, and I mean NEVER, had a story as sick, twisted, demented, are-you-fucking-kidding-me stoopid as this one.
By the way, fork purchases amongst the male members of The Dumbass Horde skyrocketed the day this story was published.
I'm just sayin'.
See you in December for the 5th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards!
Gawd help us all.
Dumbasses.
Next year, let's have a Maine Redneck style barbecue bash to recognize the winners. I'll even get a mullet cut for the occasion, and bring along Jennifer Lawrence - not the gorgeous actress, but the lady at the local Walmart who got assigned the garden center for the winter - in Bismark.
ReplyDeleteNow *that's* a plan, Eli!
DeleteMi casa es su casa!
BTW...you know what the biggest cash crop (besides pot) in Bismark is? Iceberg Lettuce! (rimshot!)
That live traffic feed thingy is really cool except every time I visit here it says a different city. Hmm. Love your blog!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Susan for the kind words!
DeleteRe: Live Traffic/Different City...Are running from the Cops? :)
Posts like these are why I love your blog. As for the winner of this dumbass award all I can say is "ouch"!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Phil!
DeleteThis guy was the Leader in the Club House the minute read the story. The only other real contender was the Poison Vajayjay Lady...so I gave her a different Dummy. After all, she deserved SOMETHING for Attempted Murder by Tainted Poon.