Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: February 2014 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, February 28, 2014

How to Quit Smoking: Bitch Slap a Cop! At the Jail!

Best of Dumbass News

We are nothing if not civic-minded at Dumbass News. 

Our support for law enforcement officers in this country is unwavering and irrefutable. We have proven this time after time over the last three and a half years.

Take for instance the time we stood solidly behind a Philadelphia cop who was assaulted by a drunk Dumbass during Oktoberfest last year. This unprovoked attack on one of Philly's Finest was met with a very provoked Cop Uses Baton to Beat the Dog Shit Out of a Drunk Dumbass Response.

We steadfastly supported the Man in Blue who was viciously beaten about the head and shoulders and upper extremities of his body by a sex toy wielding Mad Woman! I know you'll find it hard to believe that this Dumbass Dame was drunk at the time of the incident.

Dumbass News was at the forefront of Dumbass Journalism when we brought the horrific story of  three Seattle Police Dudes who were faced with the split second decision that could have meant life or death. Well, OK, not exactly life and death, but they were assailed by a chick with duct taped boobs!

This type of lawlessness must not, and will not, be tolerated!

Unless it's Dumbass News -worthy! 

Which leads us to today's story.

Smokin' in Sac Town 

Etta Lopez of Sacramento, Cal-ee-forn-ya, like millions of our fellow citizens, is an addict. Etta is a slave to nicotine.

Try as she might, Etta could not escape the death grip of Demon Tobacco.

Until she slapped a cop.

Let me splain.

It's All in the Timing

There are myriad products out there that claim to be THE way to quit smoking. As I was typing that last sentence there was a commercial on TV about Chantrix or some shit. The State of Maine has been running Public Service Announcements about every ten minutes (or so it seems) touting the Quit Smoking Hot Line Thing. One of the most popular recent methods to help folks give up Marlboros is the E-Butt Electronic Cigarette or whatever it's called.

None of these quit smoking schemes worked for Etta Lopez, so she came up with a simply brilliant, if illegal, way to quit smoking.

Etta was hanging out at the Sacramento Jail in an area where newly released inmates go to be picked up by waiting relatives and friends after having paid their debt to society. Only Etta wasn't there to pick up a family member or friend, she was there to quit smoking!

But, Fearless Leader, how does one go about smoking cessation at a jail house?

One waits for a cop to exit the building then one walks up to the cop and bitch slaps him. That's how one goes about smoking cessation at the local hoosegow.

No Smoking

There was a method to Etta's madness for slapping the hell out of an unsuspecting police man right there on the jail house grounds. There is NO SMOKING in the Sac County Lock Up! 

Fucking brilliant!

Think about it. If you have no access to your particular vice (cigs, drugs, etc.), then you have taken the first step in kicking the habit by bitch-slapping a cop!

You have also taken the first step to being a felon, but, hell, the ends justify the means. The ends also justify a lengthy stay in prison, but what the hell, huh?

At least she'll be rid of that nasty nicotine habit.


***Image from***

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Lesson Plan: Teacher Shows Up at School Drunk!

There are people out there with some tough jobs.

Jobs that are often thankless or taken for granted by the General Public.

Being a Law Enforcement Officer comes to mind.

When a cop is out on a call, he never knows what is gonna happen next.

He could come face to face with a psychotic killer with a Dirty Harry-type gun.

And a death wish.

Or he could get his ass kicked by a woman with duct taped tits. 

Even the seemingly mundane task of issuing a parking ticket could turn to shit.


Another oft-forgotten occupation, although a well-respected one, that is regularly over looked despite being demanding and time consuming as hell, is teaching.

Michelle Drunk Belle

Higher Education

Just imagine spending God knows how many hours cooped up in a small room with twenty or thirty whiny ass hoodlums children all day. Talk about needing the patience of Job.

And lots of booze.

A substitute teacher in Ada, Oklahoma was prepared to teach an elementary school class. And by "was prepared" I naturally mean "commode-huggin' drunk".

As a Former Professional Drinker, let me share with you some Very Astute Former Professional Drinker Observations...

  • Being imprisoned within arm's reach of a class room full of kids of all temperaments is a very stressful situation.
  • Thus requiring a not insignificant quantity of distilled spirits.
  • Preferably grain alcohol.
  • The Three Rs.
  • Rum, Reposado, Rumpleminze
  • A, B, C
  • Absolut, Bourbon, Crown Royal
  • Did police require this Inebriated Educator have to walk the Number Line?
  • When asked to recite the alphabet, was she allowed to read them off those little ABC thingies on the wall of the classroom? 
  • See Jane.
  • Jane is a Dick.
  • A drunk Dick.
  • Drunk Teacher Required Reading: Tequila Mockingbird

***Hat tip Fox News***

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Mom's a Video Star! Caught On Cam Robbing Bank!

Best of Dumbass News!

It takes a Special Breed of Dumbass to rob a bank.

One Dumbass held up a bank, fled the premises and then, realizing the meager amount of money he had stolen, went back into the bank to get more!

Another Shit-For-Brains knocked over a bank, got the cash and quickly exited the place and promptly hopped into his getaway bus! A City bus.

Ramping up the Dumbassery to astronomical heights was a chick named Jasmyne. After one of her bank heists, she went home and promptly implicated herself on Facebook!

While today's story involves a bank robbery, there's a twist to it that would make Chubby Checker contort himself up like a pretzel.

Let me splain.

Film at Eleven

On a recent night a Guy in Byron Township, Meech-i-gan was settling down at home getting ready to watch the local TV news.

One of the stories on that evening's newscast was of the robbery of a local Bank of America branch. The Thief was a schlub (in this case a female schlub) who needed some money to support her habit. The Female Schlub presented the bank teller with a note saying that she was robbing the bank in order to do some good stuff for her grand kids. Of course, in this case, "grand kids" means "crack cocaine".

During the presentation of the news story, a photo of the alleged bank robber was flashed across the TV screen. The Guy took a look and thought, "Damn! That lady looks familiar!". 
Deeann "The Dumbass" Sanders, Fuckhole

There is a good reason that the face of the alleged crook rang a bell with The Guy. 

It was his mother!

Upon seeing his mother, as recorded by a bank surveillance camera, on Eyewitness News at 11, plastered across TV screens all over Meech-i-gan, The Guy could have reacted in numerous ways.

Let us explore those ways:
  • Hi, Ma!
  • Neat! Mom's on TV!
  • Mom has a shirt just like the one that lady is wearing!
  • Damn, that's one ugly bitch!
  • Holy shit! That ugly bitch is my Mom!
  • All right! My college loans will be paid off!
  • Except I didn't go to college.
  • I can finally get a new X-Box!
  • Dammit! Mom's going to prison! Now I have to move out of her basement!
  • Call the cops.
He called the cops.

And Mom's on her way to The Big House .....and I don't mean that Big Ass Football Stadium in Ann Arbor.


***Thanks to The Blaze***
***Image from WOOD-TV***

Monday, February 24, 2014

Guy Gets Woke Up, Kicks Other Guy's Ass, Gets Arrested! His Wife Responds to Dumbass News!

It's not often that I receive an update to an old Dumbass News story.

Unless I do some serious journalism.

As a matter of fact, this post will be Number 1248 in a Trail of Dumbassery that dates back to September 19, 2010.

Guess how many times I have received any sort of update from readers to any of those 1247 previous stories?

Exactly. Three. Times.

And I got two of those just after midnight yesterday! 

Alert Dumbass stoo, Dumbass Emeritus was Stoo-on-the-Spot with regards to yesterday's story pointing out some very pertinent information pertaining to the disposition of the legal case against a restaurant owner who created a porn site in the name of a lady who gave her restaurant a lousy review.

I thought, "Well, that's pretty damn cool!"

Then, out of the blue, like Al Sharpton barreling towards a TV camera through a crowd of Hungry Raaaaacist Poor White Kids devouring the last of the Gubmint Cheese depriving Poor Minority Children of their much-needed Gubmint Cheese Allotment, I got a comment updating the status of another legal proceeding against a Dumbass I wrote about back in September, 2012! 

Cliff's Notes review of that story: Neighbor wakes Dumbass up. Dumbass beats shit out of neighbor and throws him into an aquarium. Dumbass gets arrested. 
Justin Byars - Grouchy When Gets Woke Up

At 1:40 AM Sunday morning this comment was posted:

Laurel Byars 
  • Lol. For the record…I am his wife. And the story that was posted here was from the police report which came from one persons side of the story…Funny…The one who got his ass whooped went and cried to the police. But anyway…The aquarium was empty…Sitting on the floor…We had actually given it to the guy. And the guy who called the police threatened my life the night before…So come on…Any MAN who has a wife WOULD whoop ANYONES ass for threatening them. This whole night all started with a bottle of pinnacle & two lesbians…The guy who placed the police report is not a classy dude clearly by my previous statement. Lol. I believe he lives on the street and has NO JOB! He is a bum. I get the humor of this story the way it is written…However, Justin Byars is a REAL MAN who protected the love of his life and was found INNOCENT in the Newport News court system. That’s all that truly matters.
Here's What I Think  
  • It is my Considered Pre-Law Major Dropout Opinion that the Police gather as many facts as they can about an incident then determine if there is enough probable cause to effect an arrest.
  • Excluding self defense on the part of the suspect, throwing another Human Bean into an aquarium is, in the legal sense, what is referred to as assault.
  • Empty aquarium or not
  • Arrest effected.
  • No fish were harmed in the commission of this onslaught.
  • PETA is happy about that.
  • I agree that if the neighbor deservedly got his ass beat, then called the cops, he is a pussy.
  • Threatening somebody's life is a very bad idea.
  • Homeless Guys Without Jobs have more fun in Denver.
  • Two Lezbeans?
  • Hubba hubba!
  • Adjudication of a criminal proceeding NEVER ends with ANYONE being found "innocent".
  • Something other than a "guilty" verdict is what is called an "acquittal" resulting in the defendant being found "not guilty".
  • "Not guilty" does not infer innocence.
  • See: Simpson, O.J.
  • Two lezbeans, huh?
  • Video or it didn't happen.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Lady Gives Restaurant Bad Review; Rest. Owner Starts Porn Site in Reviewer's Name!

Best of Dumbass News

From HuffPo via the Ottawa Citizen:


Let's play "Make Believe".

Let's pretend that you are a restaurant owner and you give what a customer decides is lousy service and a sub par meal. That's the customer's right. It is also the right of the customer in question to post an online review of said lousy service and meal.

What would you do in such a case?                              
Marisol Simoes - Dumbass Bidness Owner/Sex Web Site Pro

I know what Marisol Simoes did.

She created a profile of the customer on a sex site!

Nothing good can come of this as Ms. Simoes learned.

The hard way.

The Dish

Marisol owns a couple of "trendy" restaurants in Ottawa.

Elayna Katz is the customer who spilled the beans on the crummy service and some black olives she didn't want on a pasta dish she ordered.

Marisol took exception to the bad press.

So, like any good bidness owner, Marisol sought revenge!


According to HuffPo, "Marisol Simoes, the owner of two trendy eateries in Ottawa, Canada, created a fake sex site profile of a customer who wrote negative online reviews of Simoes' Mambo restaurant. The 42-year-old restaurateur also pretended to be the customer in lewd emails sent to the customer's bosses that said she was a “tiger in the bedroom” who was transgender and who liked group sex, according to the Ottawa Citizen."

Wouldn't an apology and a free meal have been a much better idea?

And as it turns out, much cheaper, too. 

Katz took Simoes to court.

Court Battle

It appears as though Marisol was too fucking stoopid to know that are ways of getting caught doing malicious shit like this and that they are ways to trace your IP address!

The cops traced the IP addy used to set up the sex site profile to Simoes, a legal battle ensued and Marisol Simoes was found guilty of some serious libel charges.

She is due to be sentenced in November.

HuffPo tells us “It’s slightly ironic that the one thing [Simoes] was trying to avoid was the one thing that came out of all of this,” Katz told the Ottawa Citizen, referring to how much media attention the trial has attracted, compared to that of the original reviews.

I told you that an apology and a free meal would have been a better approach.

By the waythe name of one of Marisol's eateries?


How apropos.


Saturday, February 22, 2014

Dumbass Diners: Stoopid Restaurant Signs!

Best of Dumbass News

I am a White Guy.

I am also (mostly) bi-lingual.

I was born and raised in Texas, so Spanish is my "second language". I don't speak it like a Native Spanish/Meskin Guy, but I do pretty good - for a Gringo that is. By the way, I can also read and write Espanol and can mostly keep up with what's going on with TV shows on Univision and Telemundo. "El Chapulin Colorado" and "Llevatelo" were my favorite Meskin TV Shows.

Reading very simple Eye-talian and French are a part of my Furn Lingo Repe-twawr as well.

I am a Worldly Fearless Leader, to say the least.

Having said all that, I can say with a degree of certainty that foreign languages do not always translate well to English.

While today's Adventure in Dumbass Land does not involve any Meskin Lingo, the principle remains the same - translation ain't easy.

Especially when the translation involves going from some Oriental (mostly Chinese) idiom to American English.

The following restaurant signs make the point for me.

Ho Lee Phuk Signs

Thank God my cat is laying right next to me as I type this.

Is this the same restaurant?

Fu King "A"!

Yeah! Fook Hing all to hell!

No, fook you!


Shitty food?

Buddah Buffet?

Sounds painful to me.

Saving the best for last......

I got nuthin.

Dumbasses. (蠢驴.)

Friday, February 21, 2014

Dumbass Logic in Words & Pictures!

Love it or hate it, Facebook actually does have some good qualities about it.

Not many, but some.

One cool thing about FB is that there's a shit load of funny stuff on there.

And Dumbasses - tons of Dumbasses.

You can join the Facebook Dumbass Horde by clicking on the Facebook logo in the sidebar over there -->

Anyway....thanks to several members of the Facebook Dumbass Horde, I offer you....

....Dumbass Logic!

Necessity Is the Mother of Invention...and Dumbassery

Rum & the Tooth Fairy Are "Friends

Kitchen (First) Aid


Beats the Hell Out of the Olympics

Vengeance Is Mine!

I Prefer to Use Wrought Iron
Things We Have Learned From Facebook

  • Three gallon buckets make nifty motorcycle helmets.
  • The Tooth Fairy is a Friend of Bill the AA Guy.
  • Some Moms are willing to rip their children's tongues by the roots.
  • It's very difficult to lick the beaters with your tongue severed at the roots.
  • iPads are very expensive fly swatters.
  • The woman should have grabbed the newspaper.
  • Hockey Fight Rules should apply to real life.
  • Throat punching included.
  • The Golden Rule, as far as I know, does not include gazebo snipping.
  • A "High 5" can never be taken to the extreme with regard to some people.
  • A ball peen hammer would be an infinitely more effective "High 5" than a chair.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

When Dumbasses Text!


I do it.

You do it.

Mrs. Fearless Leader does it.

All God's chillun be texting.

I am a Great and Benevolent Fearless Leader, but I suck at texting.

There are other Dumbasses who suck at texting even more than me.

This is a phenomenon known as I Suck Swamp Donkey Ass at Texting Disorder.

Following are several excellent examples of Texting Swamp Donkey Ass Suckage: (Maybe NSFW)

Your Right. You're*

Poor Dan

Only the Lonely

Busted - In More Ways Than One


Double Dumbass On Mom

Such a Nice Young Man

15 Minutes 'til Mommy Time

Dick Dock

Vitamin D


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

You & Me, A Blogging Team: A Dumbass Idea That Just Might Work!

Hello, Dumbass Horde!

I have an idea that could be BIG! 

My Big Idea could potentially relieve some financial stress on all of us who blog.

This is not a "get rich quick" scheme, but it is a realistic opportunity that could put a little extra chump change in our pockets every once in a while, or if you blog on an ad-free format like the free version of Wordpress, a great chance to pick up new readers from your Fellow Bloggers.

Here's the Deal

I follow and share dozens of blogs every day.

I'm sure that you do the same.

I was thinking that if I created a blog that would feature some of these blogs every day, that together you and I could enter into a blogging relationship that would be mutually beneficial.

For instance, this blog is ad supported, but I ain't exactly gettin' rich off of it.

That's OK.

Kind of.

My main purpose for writing Dumbass News over the last three and a half years has been for the fun of being creative and to make you laugh. Or gag as the case may be.

Now it's time to start rakin' in the Big Bucks. 

Or even  more Not So Big Bucks

Dumbass News has grown exponentially over the last year, picking up almost three hundred thousand new readers, and I am very grateful for each and every one of them.

According to the blog ranking service Alexa, this blog typically lands somewhere between Number 1,000,000 and 1,500,000 in the World. Considering that I post only once a day, that's pretty damned impressive.

That said, I am not so full of myself that whatever measure of success Dumbass News has attained, that I am the Be All and End All of the Blogosphere. I could write Funny Shit all day long, but without somebody (you!) to read it, I'd simply be feeding the monkey to watch him shit.

Anyway.....I think it's time to Dumbass News to the next level and with it, your blog too.

Together we can realize this goal. 

If you would like for your blog to be featured on Friends of Dumbass News (or whatever the name of the new blog will be, if things pan out), please leave me a comment or email me with the URL of your blog and a statement of consent to use your blogging material, so I can proceed accordingly with this endeavor.

Email: realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com.

Here's How Things Will Work (Beta)

On Friends of Dumbass News (or whatever), I would write a short intro to the story you submit, excerpt a small portion of your post then link over to your blog!


I firmly believe that if our Merry Band of Bloggers come together that we will, at the very least, all see more page views and comments on our blogs and, if applicable, a little more in the way of blog earnings.

Please remember that I am writing this off the top of my head and I am sure that there will be other logistics to work out, so as of this writing, Friends of Dumbass News (or whatever) is an idea and a work in progress. Nothing is yet written in stone.

I may need at least one more Administrator to help me handle this project, I just don't know for sure yet. At the bare minimum, I would have to make a list of "Authors", create a password so you can submit a post for me to publish, etc, etc., etc.

I firmly believe that if we work as a Team of Dumbassesdiligently share each other's work through the plethora of social media available to us and read and comment on each other's sites, that we can dramatically increase the number of eyeballs that find their way to our respective blogs.

Isn't that what we all want, more eyeballs?

I am absolutely certain that I have left some questions unanswered.

It is at this point that I need your input.

Please tell me what you think. I am open to any and all questions, criticism, ideas and suggestions.

Light up the comments or make my email inbox smoke like a Cheech & Chong doobie!

I look forward to seeing what's on your mind!

Team Work Makes the Dream Work.


Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

Dramatic SWAT Raid! At the Wrong House!

Best of Dumbass News

99.9% of the time exposing the dumbassery around us is a labor of love for me and I find it quite enjoyable and somewhat therapeutic. 


The other 0.1% of the time, shedding light on such stoopidshittedness is a painful thing for me. Alas, today is one of those extremely difficult occasions that fall into that 0.1%. No matter how excruciating it may be, I am duty bound by my obligation as Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde to bring you all Dumbassery, no matter its source.

"This Way!"  "No! That Way!"

I hate the word "disclaimer".

So many times it means nothing more than wussing out.

For example, when you are watching TV and you see a commercial for, let's say, a weight loss product. The announcer excitedly tells heavy folks that "The Skinny Pill" is nothing short of miraculous as the video of the ad shows "Sandy T." from Salt Lake City holding the size 83 pants she wore before taking "The Skinny Pill'. Sandy T. from SLC then drops the size 83s to reveal a babe who is now a size 0 (zero)! "The Skinny Pill" really is a miracle of modern science!

Or maybe not.

While Sandy T. may have lost a ton or two, if you look at the fine print at the bottom of your screen as the commercial runs, you'll see phrases like "not typical results" and "use The Skinny Pill as part of an exercise and diet program in consultation with your doctor". "The Skinny Pill" may indeed help fat people lose weight, but there's a lot more to slimming down than you actually hear in the ad's audio.

That fine print that reveals "The Skinny Pill" as a small component of weight loss is called a "disclaimer".

Or as I like to call it, "The Wussing Out Clause". Do you now understand why I despise the word "disclaimer"? It's a wussy word.

I Hate This Part

Having said all that, I must now swallow a bitter pill and issue a disclaimer of my own. (Damn, this leaves a bad taste in my mouth)

What I am about to write is in no way, shape or form meant to be derogatory to law enforcement personnel anywhere in this country. I am merely sharing with you a story that shows that cops are human beans too and are prone to do stoopid shit just like the rest of us.

In cases like this, it is imperative that I report as fully and accurately as possible on the facts of the Dumbassery you are about to witness.

Dumbassery committed by cops.

So, let's see what these Dumbass Lawmen did!

The Sting That Wasn't

I can only imagine the amount of detailed planning that goes into a police raid intended to catch some real bad people. Although, by the time I am done with this story, I may learn firsthand how much detailed planning goes into one of these raids.

Down in Massivetwoshits (that would be where Boston is), a group of highly trained men with the most advanced technology in the world at their disposal, were seconds away from executing a meticulously conceived law enforcement operation designed to capture a Very Bad Man. There they stood, just outside the location where they would burst in screaming like a pack of hyenas with bottle rockets shoved in their asses (the hyenas, not the cops....geez), carrying weapons that cause mere mortals to poop their pants when confronted with them, then grabbing the Bad Guy and Justice would be served.

This team of men, among the best in the world at what they do, carried out their mission without a hitch.

Except for one thing.

They raided the wrong place!

For about 45 minutes, the cops detained a woman, while her 3 year old daughter cried in another room, before realizing that WOOPS!, missed it by that much!

The guy they were looking for was in an apartment a few doors down!

So, like true professionals, the fuzz apologized to the lady, went on about their business and later busted the real criminal.

What to Do?

A situation like this is kind of like toothpaste that's been squeezed out of the tube. It's out and it ain't going back in. What else could the law guys do? The mess had been made and they didn't have any toothpaste left. All they could do was go get a "new tube of toothpaste", meaning rectify the Dumbassery at hand and do what they had set out to do: get the Bad Guy.

Or they could've ordered pizza and beer and stayed put.

This story just goes to prove that even the most qualified, best equipped, best prepared and bravest among us can sometimes be no higher up the Ladder of Evolution than the lowest of the low, the most pitiful of the pitiful or even the Fwench.

Yes, friends, this group of special men can, just like the rest of us, be....


Is that a knock at my door? Nevermind. The guy at the door had the wrong apartment.  :)

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

1st Dumbass Newspaper Headlines of 2014!

Many of our thousands upon thousands of New Dumbasses have not consumed the ecstasy that is Dumbass Newspaper Headlines.

I think it is time to remedy this Travesty of Dumbassery right now!

For the benefit of the latest dipshits numbskulls Einsteins Children of God who have joined the Dumbass Horde, please note that these are actual headlines from actual newspapers from all over the country.

As someone who tightropes the razor's edge between insanity and genius, even I can't make this shit up. 


Cannibal Road Kill

Subway Profits Nosedive

And This Is Just French Wimmin

Monica Lewinsky Hit Hardest

Creepy-ass Crack

Camel Taints Neglected

No Gag Reflex

So I've Heard

Glo-ball Warming?

Wait'll You Hear What they Have Planned for UrPeePee


***See More at Buzz Feed***

Monday, February 17, 2014

Foil a DUI Breathalyzer By Sucking Second Hand Ass!

People do some stoopid shit when they get drunk.

Perhaps the stoopidest of these things is of course getting behind the wheel of a motor vehicle.

Or a bull dozer. 

Or pissing on the breathalyzer. 

Having sex while driving drunk is also a very bad idea.

If you're three sheets to the wind and driving a car (or bull dozer), seeing the flashing lights on the top of a cop car certainly won't make you any less drunk, but they will make you find Jesus real quick.

During the brief few moments just after being lit up (no pun intended) by the Fuzz and actually pulling over to the side of the road to be unceremoniously (and deservedly) hauled off to the County Big House, a drunk driver will by instinct reach for something mask the smell of alcohol on his breath - gum, mints, underwear.....WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Now, to a Former Professional Drinker such as myself, I can assure you that gum or mints do not mask the odor of likker on one's breath.

Especially if one has over indulged.

Other than the obvious public safety concerns, this incident raises some other pressing issues.

  • Could Mr. Zurfluh not have taken an alternative method of transportation to safely make it home without endangering other Canada-ites roaming the streets of Stettler innocently smoking some fine Canuckistani Cabbage (pot)?
  • A moose-drawn carriage perhaps?
  • Couldn't he have sheltered overnight in a Canada-ite Roadside Drunk Tank?
  • Also known as an "igloo". 
  • I bet Messieur Zurfluh has participated in a robust round of Curling while blasted out of his mind also.
  • Is the word"Zurfluh" Canada-ite Language for "underwear eater" ?
  • Does sucking down Second Hand Ass distort a Blood Acohol Content reading by a Breathalyzer?
  • If it does, Second Hand Ass should be bottled and sold at all Canada-ite Likker Retailers throughout the 10 Provinces and 3 Territories of the Great White North.
  • Unless the term Second Hand Ass has been copyrighted by Canada-ite Hookers.
  • Marketing Idea: Why Let Your Breath Smell Like Likker When It Can Reek of Second Hand Ass!
  • Eh?

***Hat Tip stoo, Dumbass Emeritus***

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Animal Rights Guys: "Let's Do a Felony to Free the Deer!" Woops! No Deer Here!"

Best of Dumbass News

Today we'll explore the world of Dumbass Animal Rights Activists.

In a recent post, I made my stance clear on "animal rights", whatever the fuck that is. However, the "animal rights activists" in this case, who are nothing more than Dumbasses with too much time on their hands, are soon-to-be prison bitches.

Leon, Adopted Felon of Dumbass News, looks forward to meeting you idiots.

Deer Animal Rights Asshats

Here's the deal: 

This guy in Oregon, Richard Bentley, raises Fallow deer for their meat. There's such a place about ten minutes from where I live. These Fallow deer look like they'd make excellent deerburgers.

Deer Burger-in-Waiting
But I digress.

So this Bentley guy raises these Fallow deer and guess what? A bunch of pussy "animal rights activists" decide that Mr. Bentley is a menace to society and since the law won't do anything about the travesty of legally raising Fallow deer, they will!

So what do these Socialists "Free the Fallow Deer" (!) Assholes decide to do? Hint: they decide not to build a campfire, sing "Kumbaya" and eat bean sprouts. They do, however, decide to potentially ruin Mr. Bentley's livelihood (and deer burgers) by removing a large section of his fence hoping that the deer will escape into the wild and be free!

But the joke is on them!

These are tame deer and  there were no deer on the property! bwahahahaha!!! The sad thing is that was also no property owner with a 12 gauge shotgun to greet these dumbasses with proper hospitality.

Due Process

The moral to the story is that if any of these Save the Animals Sissies come onto your property illegally, shoot them in the ass with a shotgun shell full of rock salt.

Or greet them with a Louisville Slugger to the skull.

But in being hospitable to these Dumbasses, remember to offer them a hot dog.

Or a deerburger.


Saturday, February 15, 2014

Dumbass to Judge: "I'll Cook & Eat Your Kids!"

Best of Dumbass News


One of the ugliest words in the English language.

Unless of course you are married to a real motherfucker.

If you find/have found yourself in the position of being hitched to a steaming pile of yak shit of a spouse, then the word "divorce" rings in your ears like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the Hallelujah Chorus.

Still, it is always in your best interest, especially if kids are involved, to conduct yourself civilly during divorce proceedings.

James Satterfield of Cobb County, Georgia probably wishes he had done so.

But, as the old Carole King song goes, "it's too late, baby now, it's too late".

She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft

You see, James Satterfield went through a divorce in which he felt he was unfairly treated. There are ways to remedy court rulings in which one feels he or she has been given the short end of the stick. These remedies involve lawyers, judges and all kinds of other fun-filled legal system avenues. James, being all pissed off at the judge in his divorce case, forewent these processes. Instead, good ol' Jimmy wrote a letter to the presiding judge in the matter of the dissolution of his marriage.

What could possibly go wrong?
Loves Children...Especially With Salt & Mustard

I guess that nothing would go wrong unless in the letter to Hizzoner you threaten to murder his children and "cook them first to make them more palatable".

Any father would immediately take great offense at such a threat.

But not just any father can throw your lousy ass in jail and toss away the key.

A father who is a County Superior Court Judge can.

In addition to threatening to make the judge's kids his supper, the warrant for James' arrest also stated that he had written a check to his soon-to-be ex-wife for $72,000, moved out of his apartment and told his family to give away his belongings.

Oh, yeah, one more thing.

James had a gun in his truck.

With this evidence in hand, Authorities determined that James was about to carry out (carry out! kids for lunch! hahahaha!) his nefarious plot.

This is why Jim Bob is in the County Lock Up being held without bail.

To be accurate, it wasn't the judge in James' divorce case that threw him in the slammer, it was another judge altogether.

James was also ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation.

Ya think?


Friday, February 14, 2014

Drunk Dumbass Assaults Cop With 12" Sex Toy!

Best of Dumbass News

When I wrote this story about some drunk, horny Battery Operated Boyfriend-wielding Dumbass Dame attacking a policeman last November, I remember thinking at the time that stories like that would come around about once every 12 to 18 months.

I was wrong.

It took less than six months for another one to become the buzz (ha ha) of the internet.

For today's Assault by Dildo Tale we venture to Upstate New York.

BOB and the Cop

The Watertown, New York Police Department recently received an early morning call about an unwanted person at a local residence. The "unwanted person" was a local woman who was not a welcomed guest at the home of a male friend of hers.

At 3AM! 

This would be the appropriate time to inject (pun intended) into the story that the bimbo was, shall we say, drunk. No, we shall say that she was blasted. 

Anyway, it was three in the morning and Officer Jonathon Pitts did his duty and went to check out what the hell was happening at this apartment. Upon surmising that the woman was indeed inebriated and not welcomed at the guy's home, Officer Pitts went about escorting the Dumbass from the residence when IT happened.

The suspect, Lisa Anderson, took offense to being removed from the premises and on the way out, lead by Officer Pitts, Anderson noticed a pink sex toy that just happened to be laying in a nearby chair. It was at this point that she picked up the plastic penis, threw a high heater ( a little baseball lingo there) in the general direction of the cop and it smacked the Good Officer on the forehead!

Questions immediately abound.


Being the inquisitive Dumbass that I am, I demand answers to some very pertinent questions that arise from this incident.

  • Why is Lisa Anderson, the Drunk Fake Dick Throwing Dumbass out at 3 AM? Did her mother not
    TWELVE Inches???
    ever tell her that nothing good happens after midnight? 
  • Why is there a pink plastic penis "just laying around" in a chair in the living room of the victim's apartment? I am of the opinion that the guy in this story wanted to get his freak on with Lisa and the BOB but she was too loaded to perform to his specifications. This is merely speculative mind you.
  • As a former Professional Drinker, I saw and did some pretty damned stoopid shit, but throwing a dildo at a cop was not one of them. Of course, I never had much use for a  TWELVE INCH (according to the police report) pink plastic ding a ling, whether my Blood Alcohol Content was .02 or .20. Then again I was never lucky enough to be around a drunk chick who came over to my house at 3 AM wanting to play "Bury the BOB in My Nether Regions"
  • Damn the bad luck.
Three Hour Tour 

It goes without saying that Lisa was taken into custody and put up for the remainder of the night in the City of Watertown Cross Bar Hilton charged with the "old dildo to the head of the investigating flat foot is a no-no" statute. This is a misdemeanor offense, so after sobering up, Lisa was released from custody and hightailed it straight away to a local 7-11 where she purchased a bottle of the Mad Dog and some "C" cell batteries for BOB. 

I hope she gets here before 3 AM.

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