Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Eat Yak Poop, Sochi! Maine Has The Redneck Olympic Games! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Eat Yak Poop, Sochi! Maine Has The Redneck Olympic Games!

Opening Ceremonies for the (Insert Appropriate Roman Numeral Here) Winter Olympics, or as I call them, the Fake Ass Olympic Games and Steroid Extravaganza, will take place soon in Sochi, Almost-Communist Again Russia.

I couldn't fucking care less.

You want some real Olympic-style athletic competition?

Then read about The Redneck "Blank" Games that took place a while back right here in Maine!

Oh, yeah....Fuck the International Olympic Committe.

Pussies.

Best of Dumbass News

Today's story is dedicated to my long time friend in Irving, Texas, Tommy Hailey

Just a day or two ago, Tommy asked me about Rednecks of Maine and if they were the same as Rednecks in Texas. 

I told Tommy that yes, indeed, that the Rednecks of Maine and the Rednecks of Texas are very much alike. Except the Rednecks of Maine talk with a funny accent.

Over the weekend an event of enormous proportions took place about 45 miles from where I am now sitting.

And I missed it.

I shall hang my head in shame for a full 12 seconds for having missed the Most Important Sporting Event of the Year in Maine - The Event Formerly Known as the Redneck Olympic Games.

The only other gathering of athletes in this state that matters are The North American Wife Carrying Championships - football, baseball, hockey and basketball be damned!

Olympics No More

The Event Formerly Known as the Redneck Olympic Games are now called The Redneck "Blank" Games. The organizer of the competition, Harold Brooks, was forced to remove the word "Olympic" from the title of the Gathering of Rednecks by the Commie Pussy Bastards at the International Olympic
Committee. Big Corporate Asswipes (and believe me the IOC is a big corporation) versus One Guy in Small Town Maine in a trademark dispute (or whatever you want to call it). Guess who won that little confrontation? Hint: it wasn't One Guy in Small Town Maine. 

Hence, the name change.

The Redneck "Blank" Games take place in Hebron, Maine, a town of about 1400 fine folks. And a few Dumbasses. I'll bet you a dollar to a toilet seat that the IOC has 1400 people on some sort of holier-than-thou Make Sure Some Tiny Village in Maine Doesn't Use the Word "Olympics" in An Annual Sporting Event Meant to Bring the Peasants Together in Fellowship (And Beer Drinking) Committe.

 Fuck the International Olympic Committee. Sideways.

Twice.

Foreigner Taint Stains.

Underwear Sniffers at IOC Can't Spoil the Fun

The itinerary at The Redneck "Blank" Games this year included:

  • Music (Country, no doubt).
  • A Wedding officiated by a Dumbass named "Reverend Yummy". I don't why he's called "Reverend Yummy" and I ain't askin'. By the way, the Good Rev forgot the Bible for the wedding ceremomy. 
  • 4 Wheel Drive Vehicle Mudding - This is a VERY popular competition among the Maine Redneck 
    Demographic.
  • A Greased Watermelon Race - This was originally slated to be a Greased Moose Head Race, but the Game Wardens at the State Department of Making Rules for Outdoor Activities Like Hunting and Fishing and Shit voiced strong opposition to using moose heads for something other than hat racks. I'm told that the Moose Population of Maine also loudly protested such a thing.
  • Toilet Seat Horseshoes - It is what it seems. No toilets were harmed while conducting this event. And the horses were happy, too.
  • Obstacle Course - This no ordinary obstacle course. The contestants negotiated the course while carrying a full cup of beer! This was also a great lesson in alcohol abuse. There is no worse abuse of alcohol than spilling it while running an obstacle course.
  • Bobbing for Pickled Pigs Feet - Having been the Texas State Champion of Bobbing for French Fries, I think I would have done well in this contest.
That's how we do it Maine, y'all.

Praise be to St. Jim Bob, Patron Saint of Rednecks.

And bless Rednecks everywhere.

Dumbasses.

***Image from kjonline.com***

6 comments:

  1. LOL . . . they do the same things around here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's in the Bible, Book of St. Jim Bob, 3:16.

      "God Loves Rednecks".

      Delete
  2. The Redneck Olympics?
    Aren't they satisfied with being able to walk upright?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We do have a Knuckle Dragging Competition.

      Delete
  3. Clearly, I need to pay more attention to my local papers.

    ReplyDelete

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