Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Hole-y Dairy Products, Batman! The Swiss Cheese Pervert of Philly! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Hole-y Dairy Products, Batman! The Swiss Cheese Pervert of Philly!

Sometimes, I just don't like Facebook.

They change shit around more often than I change underwear.

Which is daily.

I mean I change my underwear daily. Facebook is kind enough to stretch their changes out to every week or so.

On the other hand, Facebook can be a very useful communications tool.

For example, I use Facebook for not only keeping up with family and friends around the country, I also have a separate Facebook page for Dumbass News.

Also, family, friends and neighbors can instantly be notified of an unfolding serious situation that may affect them at home or work.

As a Matter of Fact...

In the Mayfair area of Philadelphia, a resident recently posted on Mayfair's TownWatch Facebook page the following: "Good morning, Mayfair! Please be aware of the Swiss Cheese Pervert!" 

When I first read that announcement, I thought, "There's no human bean on Earth stoopid enough to put his pecker in a block of Swiss cheese."

I was only partially wrong.

The Dumbass put his pecker though the hole in a slice of Swiss cheese!

It is my Considered Fearless Leader Who Has Not Sexually Experimented With Swiss Cheese But Is Intimately Familiar With the Wonders of Lady Bits Opinion that this is, shall we say, "abnormal" behavior.

No we shall not say that this is "abnormal" behavior, we shall say that this is "fucked up". 


If you thought that this story ended there, you would be wrong.

Very wrong.

Remember that Mayfair TownWatch Facebook post I referred to up there^^^?

The second part of that message reads thusly: "This individual is driving around communities and exposes himself to women". 

Here's money shot: "He offers them money to watch him put Swiss cheese on his privates!

While some of you may be shocked and appalled at such deviant behavior, in the City of Brotherly Love this is often referred to as "Wednesday".

Bets I'm Willing to Make About the Swiss Cheese Pervert 

I Was Right

  • That the Swiss Cheese Pervert is a heavy set White Guy.
  • He's prolly a virgin.
  • Except for the Swiss Cheese Cha Cha Thing. 
  • He once cheated on Swiss cheese with Velveeta.
  • Swiss is not the only cheese on his weenie.
  • One word: Fromunda. 
  • Also, cockage cottage cheese.
  • SCP uses nothing but the finest Swiss cheese from "happy" cows in Cal-ee-forn-ya.
  • Alcohol may be involved.
  • Weekend Pass.
  • I bet he's a hoot at a fondue party.

***Hat Tip***


  1. I wonder what he thought when they snapped a pic of him ... such a dumbass that he didn't consider that his face and penis cheese would be posted all over the interwebs.

    Cracked me up with the idea of a fondue party ...

    1. His next gig might be as the SpokesDumbass for Sargento.

  2. I'm from Philly originally. Lucky for me I wasn't from Mayfair. I was from South Philly. Our perverts only put the very best Provolone on their manhood....menhood...manhoods......penises.

    1. At least provolone perverts have some kind of, er, uh, taste(?).

  3. Hey! Leave CA out of this. We are all dumbasses simply for living in this state, but we don't have anything to do with this particular dumbassery!!

    1. You are correct, dj.

      Cal-ee-forn-ya Dumbasses are Sushi Perverts.

      Or tofu.

    2. Tofu, definitely. It's... squishy.

    3. I wasn't gonna go there. Thanks for doing it for me, dj.

    4. That's why you keep me around. ;-)

  4. See? This is the very reason my dad wouldn't allow me to go to the donut shop in our neighborhood when I was little...!

    1. Yeah, those donuts are a tough thing to "love". :)

    2. That's where the act of taking a flying F at a rolling donut was perfected.

  5. What did you expect? They root for the Eagles there. Nuff said.

    1. Eagles fans throw Swiss cheese at Santa.

      After they're done with of course.

  6. Adds a whole new meaning to head cheese, doesn't it?

  7. And here I thought the City of Brotherly Love would always be known for their Philly cheesesteak.

    NOT the Philly tube steak.

  8. How much is he offering?

    I'm just asking for a friend.

  9. Ten bucks and a used slice of cheese.

    1. Ummmm . . . I think she was asking "inches".

  10. Oh, Lord. I think I'll go dairy free from now on.

  11. yo! what's with the dissin on Philly? you wanna do some funky stuff with your cheese, you might as well do it, right! that's how we roll in Phil-a-delphia!


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