Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: How to Quit Smoking: Bitch Slap a Cop! At the Jail! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, February 28, 2014

How to Quit Smoking: Bitch Slap a Cop! At the Jail!

Best of Dumbass News

We are nothing if not civic-minded at Dumbass News. 

Our support for law enforcement officers in this country is unwavering and irrefutable. We have proven this time after time over the last three and a half years.

Take for instance the time we stood solidly behind a Philadelphia cop who was assaulted by a drunk Dumbass during Oktoberfest last year. This unprovoked attack on one of Philly's Finest was met with a very provoked Cop Uses Baton to Beat the Dog Shit Out of a Drunk Dumbass Response.

We steadfastly supported the Man in Blue who was viciously beaten about the head and shoulders and upper extremities of his body by a sex toy wielding Mad Woman! I know you'll find it hard to believe that this Dumbass Dame was drunk at the time of the incident.

Dumbass News was at the forefront of Dumbass Journalism when we brought the horrific story of  three Seattle Police Dudes who were faced with the split second decision that could have meant life or death. Well, OK, not exactly life and death, but they were assailed by a chick with duct taped boobs!

This type of lawlessness must not, and will not, be tolerated!

Unless it's Dumbass News -worthy! 

Which leads us to today's story.

Smokin' in Sac Town 

Etta Lopez of Sacramento, Cal-ee-forn-ya, like millions of our fellow citizens, is an addict. Etta is a slave to nicotine.

Try as she might, Etta could not escape the death grip of Demon Tobacco.

Until she slapped a cop.

Let me splain.

It's All in the Timing

There are myriad products out there that claim to be THE way to quit smoking. As I was typing that last sentence there was a commercial on TV about Chantrix or some shit. The State of Maine has been running Public Service Announcements about every ten minutes (or so it seems) touting the Quit Smoking Hot Line Thing. One of the most popular recent methods to help folks give up Marlboros is the E-Butt Electronic Cigarette or whatever it's called.

None of these quit smoking schemes worked for Etta Lopez, so she came up with a simply brilliant, if illegal, way to quit smoking.

Etta was hanging out at the Sacramento Jail in an area where newly released inmates go to be picked up by waiting relatives and friends after having paid their debt to society. Only Etta wasn't there to pick up a family member or friend, she was there to quit smoking!

But, Fearless Leader, how does one go about smoking cessation at a jail house?

One waits for a cop to exit the building then one walks up to the cop and bitch slaps him. That's how one goes about smoking cessation at the local hoosegow.

No Smoking

There was a method to Etta's madness for slapping the hell out of an unsuspecting police man right there on the jail house grounds. There is NO SMOKING in the Sac County Lock Up! 

Fucking brilliant!

Think about it. If you have no access to your particular vice (cigs, drugs, etc.), then you have taken the first step in kicking the habit by bitch-slapping a cop!

You have also taken the first step to being a felon, but, hell, the ends justify the means. The ends also justify a lengthy stay in prison, but what the hell, huh?

At least she'll be rid of that nasty nicotine habit.


***Image from***


  1. Wouldn't a nicotine patch be a little easier?

  2. I've actually found this technique is very effective and efficient for most things. You've heard that saying regarding Windows, "When in doubt, restart?" Well, this is a lot like that - When addicted, slap a cop.

    1. See, folks? This is the kind of Dumbass Wisdom we can expect from dj.

      Click on his name and go read his blog!

  3. Probably a regional thing. How do they do it in Texas, boss?


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