Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Guest Post: "My Dumbass Moments!" By Zoe from "Behind the Mask of Abuse" : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, March 28, 2014

Guest Post: "My Dumbass Moments!" By Zoe from "Behind the Mask of Abuse"

His Royal Dumbass, invited me to do a guest post on this here weird looking blog. I figured I didn't want to let him down. I couldn't help but think that he really is a Dumbass, if he’s inviting me to do a guest post. He hardly knows me or what he’s getting into. That just may be the epitome of Dumbassness.
I guess I should introduce myself I'm Zoe and I'm a blogger. *Everyone says, “Hello Zoe.”* My blog is not a funny one but I sure do love to laugh and banter, it’s good for the soul. What better way to laugh than at one’s own dumbass moments right?!

First I want to thank you Oh Great Dumbass for opening up this space to me. It looks a little different back here than what I'm used to. Did I follow the directions properly? Am I in the right place?!  On a side note, it could use a little cleaning. Have you cleaned lately?  I'm just sayin…

Okay enough stalling.

I’m ready to grace you all with some of my dumbass moments. Sit back, buckle up and hang on for the ride.



What was I blogging about? ;-)

Dumbass moment number 1:
I have no sense of direction what so ever. I could have driven to the same place numerous times and I will still get lost. Hell, if I don’t park my car in the same area every time, I would never find it. Where’s my garage?

Dumbass moment number 2:
Picture this, I'm 17 years old, (many years ago) sitting in the car with a big, mean, cud chewing drivers trainer sitting next to me. I'm preparing for my test to get my license. I'm scared out of my mind. (I'm not kidding when I said she was mean). The test begins. I adjust my mirrors and turn on the car. Can you see what I missed already? 

If not, maybe you need to take a test again.

I forgot to put on my seatbelt. 

Isn't that like driving 101??  It gets worse. In her cud chewing sort of way, she reminds me of the missing seatbelt, and I put it on. Now we’re ready to drive. (This gets better or worse).  I drive out of the parking lot and proceed to drive over a curb. Damn!  By this time I don’t even know why I continued the test, but in my dumbassness I did.

After recovering from the curb incident, we were finally on actual roads…uh oh…Now I'm really scared, and following every direction this “lady” is giving me, which leads to the next shall we say, dumbass incident.

She tells me at the next road to turn right. I, in my obedient 17 year old naive brain,I comply. Isn't that what you’re supposed to do??  Not in this case. I did though. I turned right and proceeded to drive down a one way street the wrong way.  How was I supposed to know there were trick commands?! Well by this time, it was over. I just wanted to get out of that car and climb under a rock.
This leads me to...

Dumbass moment number 3:
I mentioned above that I lack direction. At night it’s even worse. A couple of years ago, I was driving home from a friend’s house at night, the same route I've always taken. (Or so I thought) I got disoriented on my way, or lost. (Call it what you may.)
Once again, I turned the wrong way down a one way street right into a cop. (I didn't hit him.) His lights immediately went on and I pulled over, but facing the wrong way on the wrong side. Doh!  I 
was tres scared.

Thankfully the cop was very kind. I explained my predicament, trying not to let on how long I’d lived there. He saw that I was telling the truth. He did not give me a ticket. Bless his heart, I deserved one. 

He blocked traffic for me, so I could turn around safely, and he gave me directions to get me home. (5 mins. Away). He then had another cop follow me, to make sure I went the right way, and I'm sure to be certain that I really was sober.

Dumbass moment number 4:
I’ll give you a moment to stop laughing at me before I embarrass myself further………………Are you done? Have you pulled yourself together?? 

Okay. You over there, get a grip!

Since this is getting long, I will keep this moment short. (Maybe)

Hubby was teaching me to ride a dirt bike. I started to get the hang of it. I’d done a lot of short practice runs this day, so I began to feel somewhat confident that I could handle a longer one, and off I went.

Well, I was driving on my merry way feeling all proud of myself and having fun, when it came time to make a turn. Suddenly things got complicated. I shifted down to first gear. (Yes I said first gear) and tried to make my turn. Umm….I did not make the turn.

I don’t know exactly what happened, but the next thing I know, I'm on the ground, under the dirt bike, in shock, yelling for help, not able to move. 

When said Hubby and friends finally heard my frantic cries, they looked over, took a min. to process the scene from afar, and then proceeded to run to my rescue. (I'm sure whilst they were trying not to laugh.) 

I had managed to dislocate my foot. I was left unable to walk for months and eventually put in a cast. It may go without saying that I have not gotten back on the horse….err…umm…bike since. Hubby plans to get me back on it this summer. Wish me luck, or there may be another dumbass story coming. I hope not!

Do you have a dumbass story?  Don’t leave me all alone here!

There is hope.

Yours Truly, 
Zoe


28 comments:

  1. Bwahahahahahahaha! Dumbass.... ;)

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    Replies
    1. Zoe fits right in, doesn't she?!

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    2. Well I'm glad that you got a laugh anyway. What was that TD? You tore your pants recently???

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  2. Do you live somewhere near the Bermuda Triangle?

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    Replies
    1. Well if it explains things then maybe, why do you ask? lol

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  3. Worst driving moment ever; you've been pulled over so you roll down your window, look the nice MALE officer in the eye and say, "Good evening maam." We may have gone to the same school of Driving Dumbassery.

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    Replies
    1. With some wimmin cops, it's hard to tell the difference.

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    2. I don't feel so bad now, that's hilarious! I think we may have!

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  4. Pretty sure your driving test person passes everyone she tests.
    And sends them to NYC.

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    Replies
    1. That's only because parking sucks at Yankee stadium.
      Even if they would fit in better there.

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    2. Does one have to mortgage his first-born in order to afford parking at Yankee Stadium?

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    3. Yes - to the Yankees.
      So they can have more fans.

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    4. Does this count towards MLB's Luxury tax?

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  5. This is a strong possibility! lol You guys crack me up!

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  6. if I get the drift of some of your 'finest' NOT moments it seems to involve driving... and I know you drive now... is there an APB put out as you make your way onto the roads... I mean they likely watch your house to make sure they know when ... I shouldn't talk ... I get lost in a parking lot.... and to me when husband says make a right I do.... right to the next left hand lane!... Diane

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the comment, Diane! Don't be a stranger!

      And watch the right turns.

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    2. Ahaha very Funny Diane!! Did I mention that I've put my signal light on when turning into my garage, and I've also driven the wrong way down a one way street one other time...It was on my wedding night. I couldn't figure out why all the drivers around me were being such jerks, until I realized I was going the wrong way...

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    3. Zoe.... on your wedding night?... did you remember your husband or did you leave him behind...??

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    4. Of all things, he sent me out for Wendy's. That was our wedding night dinner, while he watched The Simpsons! LOL

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    5. Just for reference, we had a morning wedding

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    6. In any case..kidding aside... whether you had morning or evening or caviar or Wendy's ... it was your special day !... Diane

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  7. Zoe, you are the cutest dumbass ever.

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  8. I've been working at the same place for almost 14 years and to this day if I don't park in the same place, I lose my jeep.

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  9. Sista from anotha mother!! Welcome to the club!!

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  10. I hate one way streets.
    I've never turned the wrong way down one, but the threat is always there, laughing at me in the back of my mind...
    Or, that could just be one of the normal voices I deal with on a daily basis. It's hard to tell sometimes.

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  11. Ahaha! I hate them too and I seem to find them meaningless and useless! Maybe just try ignoring the one way sign?? LOL

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