Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: April 2014 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Pet Lovers Special: Dumbass Animal Hospital Signs!

I know that many members of The Dumbass Horde are lovers of a vast array of God's Little Critters. 

But I am not here today to write about children.

Or midgets. 

I am specifically referring to creatures of a four-legged, reptilian or piscatorial nature. Note: my favorite Dumbass News story is about the New Years Eve Possum Drop in North Carolina.

Usually when I write about animals, it's just to piss of the meth heads at PETA. 

However, today I am extending an olive branch to the meth heads at PETA by bringing us all (non-meth head non-PETA members & meth head PETA members alike) together with something each of us has in common with the other - a love of animals.

I like my animals medium rare, PETA likes theirs virgin.

Well....not exactly animals per se, rather with humorous signs that have been spotted in front of veterinary clinics across the Fruited Plain. 

What say you, PETA? Can we bury the hatchet?

Preferably smack dab in the middle of your mush-filled skulls!


On that happy note........

Welcome to The First Ever Edition of Dumbass Animal Hospital Signs!

Eat a bag of Buffalo Bagels, PETA.


Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Dumbass Does Drugs, Sets Self on Fire, Puts Fire Out in Car Wash! But, Wait, There's More!

Before I get into today's story, I'd like to thank pixie c d, aka, Chris Dean, for yesterday's hilarious guest post. It was one of the most popular Guest Posts in the History of Dumbass News! If you have any more (and I know you do!) Dumbassery to share with the Dumbass Horde, Chris, you are more than welcome to further embarrass yourself on this blog at any time.

Also, a huge shout out to all of Chris' readers at pixie c d for taking time to come over, read Chris' post and leave some terrific comments. I hope y'all will stop by again.

I have traveled to, through and/or lived in over 30 of the fifty States in the Union.

North Dakota fills none of those bills.

For the Yoopers in the audience, that means "I ain't never been there." 

Therefore, I don't know a helluva lot about The Dakota On Top.

I do, however, know that North Dakota is home to less than 750,000 people and the do a lot of oil bidness there.

There is a small town of about 18,000 North Dakota-ites, most of them White North Dakota-ites, named Mandan. I have never before heard of this burg.
Can You Show Me to the Nearest Car Wash, Please?

Until now.

Thanks to a Dumbass.

I'd like to thank David Kissee for this.

Let me splain.

You see, David was having a grand old time doing some controlled substances and hanging out at the local convenience store when, shall we say, he "had a moment". No, we shall say that he "fucking freaked out", as is often the case when human beans ingest narcotics.

In his state of hallooganatin', David was 100% certain that a team of  Hazmat Guys dressed in chemical suits had poured some toxic materials upon his person. His skin was burning as though he had been dipped in sulfuric acid.

He had to do something!

I am sure that there a few remedies that would alleviate some of David's discomfort.

I am also quite convinced that dousing yourself in gasoline and setting yourself on fire is not one of them.

But this is exactly what David did.

It turns out that the very real fire consuming David's body was much more uncomfortable than the imaginary chemicals that the imaginary Hazmat Guys had soaked him with.


As luck would have it, Fate intervened!

On the convenience store property drive-thru carwash!

Or in David's case, a Richard Pryor Memorial Haul Ass Thru So You Can Extinguish the Flames Burning Your Body to a Crisp Dumbass Wash. Bingo! No more fire!

With his skin not quite the consistency of a deep fried 59¢ burrito from Taco Bell, David somehow had enough snap about, or as they say in North Dakota "aboot", him to realize that he needed to get his ash ass outta there.

So he did what any lunatic who had just set himself afire would do. Call 9-1-1? Nope. He stole a car. 

A few blocks away, Dave ditched the car and further complicated his predicament by breaking into a house! Unfortunately for Our Hero, the homeowner was in the house.

Instead of setting himself on fire, utilizing a Richard Pryor Memorial Haul Ass Thru So You Can Extinguish the Flames Burning Your Body to a Crisp Dumbass Wash and stealing a car to escape from the intruder, the Homeowner Guy called 9-1-1.

David Kissee was arrested and admitted to the psych ward burn unit of a local hospital where he is currently undergoing de-crispification.

Which is a lot better than what he'll undergo in a North Dakota State Penitentiary.


***Hat Tip to Mrs. Fearless Leader & NY Daily News ***

Monday, April 28, 2014

Guest Post by Pixie C D aka Chris Dean! "A Subconscious Bent Toward Serial Public Indecency"

 When Fearless Leader asked me if I’d like to share how much of a dumbass I am with y’all, I almost bounced outta my shorts with excitement! Of course, if you know me, you probably wouldn’t find that exactly out of the ordinary, considering I have a subconscious bent towards serial public indecency.

I Started Young

 It all started in my teens with The Summer of the Swimsuit. (Yeah, it was bad enough my family named it.) The suit in question was a modest one piece that I wore with great...oh, who cares. It was a perfectly modest swimsuit, right up until it made contact with water, turning the white spandex into a wet tissue paper wrapping.

 At least, that’s how it looked in every single picture from that summer. I still feel the need to crawl under a blanket and hide whenever I think about climbing the ladder to the high dive and the poor people in line behind (and under) me.

 I’m leaving the college years out of this, since there was alcohol involved. (Unless we’re talking about the times I stood on a friend’s roof and flashed the main drag during rush hour traffic. Which we’re not, so let’s just move on.)

Babies And Flashing Go Hand-In-Hand

 As the Offspring began arriving, I had a few peaceful, law abiding years when nothing popped out or peeked through. Mainly because I rarely left the house. But that all changed after the birth of my daughter.

 It was a hot Summer and my Mother had given me this cotton jumper that was just perfect for lounging, chasing the boys, taking the kids to the park, or doing yard work. The truth is, I looked like a teal Oompa Loompa, but I was cool and comfortable and it was loose enough to cater to my hatred of those most binding of torments; underwear.

 It wasn’t until the end of the Summer that my Landlady casually mentioned that my perfectly respectable jumper was as see through as single layer gauze when the Sun hit it. All those hours spent weeding the flower beds in the front yard; the FRONT yard, that faced our busy street? Had been yet another 90 day stretch of serial exhibitionism.

 Can I just point out how hard it is to look your neighbors in the eye after realizing they’ve more than likely starred in an “eye” of a different sort?

 I won’t say our move across town had anything to do with the embarrassment, since having three small children and another on the way leaves little energy for that, but it definitely was a relief to find myself in a new surroundings where no one knew my name, let alone my penchant for avoiding undergarments.

 As the arrival of our last Offspring grew closer, I’d long since traded in the jumper (burnt it may be a little closer to the truth) for those light weight, ankle length, one-size-fits-most skirts that were so popular in the 90’s. They expanded with my belly and were conservative enough to hide my flasher past. Then the Village Pantry happened. (Ya know, I have noticed that quite a few posts here involve convenience stores, which makes me think they might very well be the vortex of all that is evil in the world.)

 There I was, minding my own business in the parking lot of the VP. I was bent over, buckling my daughter into her car seat when I felt a certain...breeze. And a tickle on the back of my neck. Then the unthinkable happened; I realized that a sudden gust of wind had lifted my lightweight skirt UP and OVER my head!

 I jerked up and spun around to hide my shame, but it was too late. You see, when I turned I ended up face to face with the car parked in the space right beside us. Or, I should say, I ended up face to face with the man sitting inside the car. He had his fist damn near stuffed inside of his mouth in an attempt to stifle his laughter. (Did I failed to mention that I just happened to pick THAT day to skip laundry and go, shall we say, commando?)

The Peep Show Continues

 Through the years there were other “unfortunate” accidents. For instance, the skirt that all but disappeared when we ended up caught in the middle of a July downpour. At a Melissa Etheridge concert. Surrounded by every Lesbian in a five State radius. (Hey, at least I was wearing underwear that time!)

 Or the day I was alone in the house, in the middle of the day, and the neighbors were all at work. So of COURSE I thought nothing about stepping out of a nice, long soak in the tub and wandering into the kitchen for a cool drink, wearing nothing but a towel (on my head) and a smile.

 You guessed it peoples, as I turned around to head back to the bathroom, via the courtesy of close housing and bad window placement, I found myself eye to eye with the guy next door who had decided to save some bucks and run home for lunch. (I’m not sure this one counts, since it wasn’t exactly public, just your average, everyday indecency.)

 When we moved half a State away, I was sure part of what I’d left behind was my shameful exhibitionist ways. By last Fall, I was comfortable enough in my decency to even bend over to mess with some flowers at the edge of our driveway. I had no idea whatsoever WHY passing cars were randomly honking, but being the good, country neighbor that I am, I simply smiled and waved.

 It was only after I went in the house (an hour later) that I realized Hubby’s boxer-pants I’d “borrowed” had developed a ginormous hole. Right in the seat of the flippin’ pants. (I refuse to discuss any possible not wearing of undergarments with this one. The shame is still too new.)

 You see folks, I’m not just a dumbass, I’ve turned it into a lifelong career path. Oh sure, all this could maybe be chalked up to a series of seriously unfortunate events, if it wasn’t for the lack of underwear involvement in all but one. THAT, my friends, is what makes me a TRUE dumbass; my lack of learning my damn lesson about remembering to don the stupid granny panties.

 Thank you again, Fearless Leader, for the opportunity to share my deepest, dumbassiest secrets with you and the rest of the Hoard. And thanks for always making me feel a little less of a dumbass with your updates about those far more dumbass than myself. (Mainly because they’ve all gotten busted and I’ve managed to avoid incarceration. So far. But that’s SO not the point!)

 Chris (aka pixiecd) lives in Indiana with her extremely tolerant Hubby, four adult kids, and a small petting zoo of cats, dogs, ducks, chickens, and geese. She writes a humor blog, pixie.c.d., where she shares the (mis)adventures of a middle aged mom who refuses to grow up (and possesses a near pathological hatred of underwear). You can also find her goofing off on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Pinterest, and Instagram.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

A Plethora of Dumbass Love Stories!

Best of Dumbass News   


Even Dumbasses believe in love.

And romance.

Of course romance to a Dumbass is a rodeo warm Budweiser, a line of blow and a hooker.

When it comes to affairs of the heart, what do you expect from Dumbasses? Romeo and Juliet?

With Dumbasses, it's more like Fatal Attraction.

Therefore, it's only fitting that we continue with the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards with the prize for the Most Romantic Dumbass of 2013!

Romance Dumbass Style

While the lady that poisoned her love tunnel with the hopes of murdering her husband would have been a prohibitive favorite to win the Most Romantic Dumbass of 2013 Award, somehow, to me at least, using a tainted twat as a device of homicide just screams felony! 

I would not, however, be surprised if the Poisoned Poontang Lady ended up as a nominee for the coveted Dumbass of the Year Award also. Kind of a Dumbass Daily Double.

So here we go with the contenders for the Most Romantic Dumbass of 2013 Award! 

  • Gettin' Some Bush in the Bush - Once upon a time there was a horny African couple who could no longer resist the Call of Carnal Knowledge. Unfortunately there wasn't a conveniently-located Motel 6 (where they leave the light on for you) nearby where this amorous pair could do The Dirty Deed. Making lemonade out lemons, the lovers began to fuck like a two-peckered billy goat on Viagra and a coked-up whore. This was all well and good - until the lion came along.
  • Using Cell Phones During Sex According to one survey, 20% of you Dumbasses bump uglies and use 4G. (ed. note: only 20% ?)
  • Online Dumbass Dating Leads to Predictable Result - I have nothing against online dating. As a matter of fact I met Mrs. Fearless Leader online, although not through or any other shit like that. (Read about it here in the opening of this story). An Old Horny China Guy went looking for love online. And he found it - with his daughter-in-law!
  • 86 Year Old Man & Two Hookers - An 86 year old widower received The Greatest Radio Contest Prize Ever in the History of Radio Giveaways when he was announced as the winner of a threesome with TWO high-priced Las Vegas hookers! The Old Guy was unable to cash in on his good fortune due to an unforeseen circumstance - he fucking CHOKED TO DEATH the night before the night he probably would have vapor locked from having a menage a three with a couple of Professional Sluts anyway.
The Big Moment

The winner of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards Most Romantic Dumbass of 2013 is......

The 86 Year old Guy Who Keeled Over Before He Could Get Double-Hookered to Death!

I can only pray that they know the Heimlich Maneuver in Heaven.



Saturday, April 26, 2014

Granny With Gun to Bad Guys: Get Outta That Car! But It's THEIR Car!

Best of Dumbass News

I can not attest as to the veracity of today's Dumbass News.

With this admission I know that I am in danger of losing in one fleeting moment what has taken me two and a half years and millions of words to earn - your trust. Then again, if you put your trust in me, you are dumber than a box of yak poop.

Gun Totin' Granny

Now, if my Grandmother were alive today, I would carefully examine this story for her name. Sadly, however, she went on the her Reward more than a decade ago. Therefore I am confident that the Little Old Lady in the story is not her - though it still wouldn't surprise me if it were her! She was, without a doubt, the strongest person I have ever met in my life. Not strong as in Hercules, but strong as in determined and ruthless.

All five foot-nothin', 90 pounds of her.

Click here for larger image.

I got nothin'.


Friday, April 25, 2014

Guy Buys Illegal Gun, Promptly Shoots Self in the Nuts!

Best of Dumbass News 

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

Beautiful words, those. That visionary statement is the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.

There are, of course, exceptions to the Amendment. Like convicted felons owning guns and that sort of thing.

Which brings us to today's story.

Big No No

Tavares Donnell Colbert is one of the exceptions to the 2nd Amendment in which I alluded to earlier. He is a convicted felon having been found guilty of possession and intent to distribute a controlled substance. Therefore, no pistola for Senor Colbert.

But Mr. Colbert, being the Dumbass Drug Dealer and convicted asswipe that he is, has no desire nor compunction to obey the law. Hell, he just spent a stretch in the Big House, and I feel safe in saying that he probably didn't take any civics classes while he was locked up. But, I am merely speculating.

To further bolster my argument, let me fill you in on the fact that Tavvy-poo illegally bought a weapon off the street some where in Kansas.

This is where the fun begins.

Shot In the Number 10

The Fun

From what I ascertain, Tav was planning his next big bidness venture in the Wonderful World of Narcotics Capitalism, when he thought it would be a good thing to test out his ill-gotten gun before actually committing a crime. So he got on Interstate 35, found a nice private place to bust a few caps.

Then he promptly shot himself in his Manhood.

My source story doesn't get specific about whether Tavares blasted himself in the gazebos or in Willie the One-Eyed Wonder Worm. As a member of the Male of the Species, I can unquestionably tell you that neither the gazebos nor Willie are the most preferred place in which to suffer a gunshot wound. Anytime. Especially at close range. That's gotta leave mark.

With his genitals now resembling shredded wheat, "T" drove himself to the hospital where he received emergency care for his ding-a-ling and his huevos. Plus! As an added bonus he also got a visit from the Oklahoma City Police Department. See, when injury by a firearm is involved in an ER visit, hospitals are required by law to notify law enforcement.

Upon seeing the evidence at hand (see what I did there?), the OKCPD did their duty and escorted Tavares Donnell Colbert to the OKC Facility for Dumbasses Who Shoot themselves in the nuts sack.TDC's next big adventure will include many years behind bars and an up close and very personal relationship with the Dumbass News Official Adopted Felon, Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams, iykwimaityd.

It appears that Prison Bitch-hood will suit Tavares well. Instead of testing an illegal firearm, he'll be testing "long barrelled "pistolas". And the elasticity of his bung hole.


Thursday, April 24, 2014

Dumbass Uses Bull Dozer to Re-Repo His Own Truck!


Another Dumbass on a Bulldozer story!

Just in case you missed the first Dumbass on a Bulldozer story, it was a humdinger! It's the tale of a Dumbass driving a bulldozer while drunk!

Now that you have been regaled with that story, let's move on to today's Dumbass News.

The Relationship Between Dumbasses & Bulldozers

Why is it that Dumbasses have forged such a bond with bulldozers? Is there something about earth-moving
Preferred Repo Tool of Dumbasses Everywhere
equipment that calls to Dumbasses in a paranormal kind of way? "Come to me! You belong with me. Let's commit felonies together!", the bulldozer plaintively calls.

Is that it? Why the attraction?

It's because we are dealing with the shallow end of the gene pool here, i.e., Dumbasses! What the hell did you think it was, Dumbass? I ain't Dr. Phil here, trying to dig deep into the psyche of Dumbasses. I know Dumbasses! I am one of them! Their Fearless Leader.

Without the bulldozer fetish.

But, I digress.

Picking Up His Car 

Donald Smith II of Bear, Delaware had taken his pick up truck to a auto repair shop in New Castle to have some shit done to it and had planned to pick it up when the work was completed. Problem is that Donald did not have the cash flow to pay the repairman for services rendered. Therefore, and rightly so, the mechanic held on the Don's truck until the bill was paid.

Donald couldn't wait that long.

So he somehow commandeered a front end loader and went straight to the repair shop to get his truck.

Without permission.

Late at night.

On the bulldozer. 

Donald then hoisted his truck up in the air with the bucket of the front end loader! It may be just me, but the sight of a pick up truck in the bucket of a front end loader is not a normal thing. Even in Bear, Delaware.

Anyway, the shop owner saw all this going on and he called the cops, whom Donald Smith II led on a half-hour low speed chase down a highway then through a neighborhood and a cornfield. The Fuzz apprehended Donald when he drove the bulldozer, truck and all, into a retaining pond.

Donald was arrested and charged with all kinds of good stuff that should lead to at least a short stay in a Delaware Prison.

All of this unnecessary trouble when simply paying the repair bill or even working out a payment arrangement with the shop owner would have been the easiest way to take care of bidness.

But, the hypnotic call of the bulldozer was too much for Donald Smith II.


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The Latest in Bank Robbery Disguises: Underwear On the Head!

Criminals are, by definition, Dumbasses.

Out of the billions of crimes committed around the world each day, when was the last time you heard of the "perfect crime"? Yeah, I know that against all odds some crooks get away with their crimes. The "not quite so perfect crimes" are ones where the bad guys get away with their misdeeds for a number of years, then one day the FBI knocks on their door and Freedom ain't so free any more.

I mean I can understand the fact that some idiot robs a 7-11 and gets away with it. Look at who works at a 7-11 these days - guys from Calcutta named "Bruce". No offense to guys from Calcutta named Bruce, but sometimes these fellows are new to our country and things between them and the cops can get lost in the translation. Kind of like Tech Support at AOL.

This Ain't a 7-11

One crime that so many Dumbasses attempt and think they can get away with Scot Free is bank robbery. I have never understood this train of thought. Banks in the USA are probably the most surveilled locations in the world. I have seen banks whose structure was a mobile home. I don't know how common this is in 49 states, but I do know that in my home state of Texas, some very small towns actually have a bank housed in a mobile home. I ain't kiddin'.

Regardless, even these mobile home banks have very modern security systems. Just like any other bank, there are video cams every two feet overlooking every square inch of the place with the exception of the toilet.

So why would some dipshit think that he could rob a bank, move to Belize and live out his days on his ill-gotten gains? I just don't get it, yet every day some Dumbass robs a bank thinking he'll be the first ever to elude the law. A safer bet would be that a Britney Spears marriage lasts a full week.

Skid Marks on the Disguise

Down in the Florida Keys, where the lifestyle is, how shall we say, "laid back", some stoned Dumbass thought that it would be a really good idea to rob a bank. Aside from the fact that robbing a bank pisses off the best law enforcement people in the world (see: FBI, Dept of Treasury, etc), even if this shit for brains had the perfect plan, he was robbing a bank on an island! The word "island" to me indicates that the land the bank is located on is surrounded by water. I could be wrong, but in this case, I think I'm spot on.

You may ask, as I do when I learn of a story like this one, "what exactly does a bank robber in the FLA Keys were for a disguise when he commits his felonious act?" My first inclination is to think that he wears a Jimmy Buffett mask but that's just too passe for The Keys. My second choice for a bank robbing disguise in the Keys is ....underwear! This is a perfect ruse. Nobody in the Keys wears underwear, so chances are that a bank teller would freak out at the sight of some Fruit of the Looms.

A Note for the Teller 

The would-be felon did indeed go into the bank with underwear on his head and all intentions of ripping it off, going so far as to hand the teller a note saying, and I quote,  "Give me what are the 20 and 50s". It is now clear why the draws (underwear) on the head trick wasn't such a big deal. While brilliant, the Dumbass could have walked into the bank with a poster of his ID on it and not a soul would have noticed. The note he gave the teller fucked up the whole deal. The poor teller didn't know whether to shit or go blind. Instead, she laughed. A lot. OK, I made the laughing part up, but would it surprise you if the teller fell over from laughing so hard and she had an aneurysm?

You know what's even better about this entire robbery? The teller was so confused by the note that the bad guy just gave up, turned around and split the scene. bwahahahahahahahaha!!! He was busted a few minutes later sans draws and now is serving time with a prison full of Florida Keys Homos that want to "drill baby drill".

Lonely Prison Inmate to Underwear Guy: "Boxers or briefs, Big Boy?". 

I'm just sayin'.


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Marketing Genius: Get a FREE Pizza with a Vasectomy!

Best of Dumbass News

As we all know, the economy is in pretty rough shape.

As a result, many retailers are offering incentives for you to shop at their business. You know what I 1 get 1 free, late night sales that offer deep discounts, etc.

That said, I found a business with an incentive that tops anything you've ever seen before.

Snip Snip

A doctor in Sandwich. Massachusetts had a plan for all you guys on the go. This special gives new meaning to the term "March Madness". For you men about town, Dr. Evan Cohen is offering with each vasectomy in March, a FREE pizza! Yes, men, while some guy is fooling around with your nut sack, you can enjoy a nice, hot pepperoni pizza!


Ironic, ain't it?

The pizza of course contains no sausage balls. I'm just sayin'.

Dr. Cohen says that this is the busiest time of year in his clinic for men who seek vasectomies, so he thought a little enticement might boost business. Why he chose pizza I don't know. It seems to me that hookers would be more appropriate. I mean shouldn't a guy make test run with his newly snipped huevos rancheros.

Great Idea

Personally, I think this is a great idea. Not necessarily pizza as the premium, though. I think the good Doctor should give away a Cadillac or something with every 20th nut cuttin'. Now that would bring in the business. Think about it. Here are these guys who are giving up ever being a father again and all Dr. Cohen offers is a pizza? C'mon, Doc. Up the ante a little. However. it's quite possible that we don't want the vasectomees to reproduce again. They are in Massachusetts after all. But, I digress.

From a marketing standpoint, this is pure genius though. Professionals from all walks of life should give this promotion a try. Lawyers could give away a free divorce or write your will for free. Baby doctors give pass out free diapers, etc.

This whole idea does bring up a question though. What would a proctologist use as an incentive for a colonoscopy?

The more pressing question is: will this procedure be covered by ObamaCare?


Monday, April 21, 2014

Dumbass Short Story - Bad Guy: "The Pot in the Stolen Car Ain't Mine!"

They say that brevity is the Soul of Wit.

If that's the case, today's story is a real Footstomper.

"Footstomper" is a Dumbass Way of saying "knee slapper".

"Knee slapper" is a Non-Dumbass Way of saying "funny as hell".

Therefore let us sally forth with stomping of feet and slapping of knees.

And the laughing off of asses.

The Brevity
  • Guy gets involved in disturbance.  
  • Cops are called.
  • Guy leaves scene of disturbance.
  • Police locate Guy as he drives away from altercation.
  • Guy gets pulled over.
The Soul of Wit


***Hat tip to Heather the MishMawshAndOtherthings Lady & WGME-TV ***

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Dumbasses Do Easter!


South Poached


Luciano Pavorabbit

Sneak Peek

Size 8 Foot, Size 5 Bunny Butt

Easter Punk

After a Long Day of Easter Egg Delivery

Missed It by THAT Much!

Easter Playboy Bunny


Saturday, April 19, 2014

Revenge: Get a Ticket & Launch Poop Attack on Cop!

Best of Dumbass News

Lots going on at The Dumbass Dome.

Including surgery on your Fearless Leader.

Rather repeating a bunch of stuff, get the lowdown from yesterday's post. 
Oh Poop!

"Let's throw this against the wall and see if it sticks."

Usually that saying refers to an idea.

Or spaghetti. (to see if it's done)

What if the proverbial idea and/or spaghetti were doo doo?

Funny you should ask.

Ticket to Ride

A Nice Lady down in New Jersey was out on the town, which in Joisey could mean "tooling around for nightly drive-by shootings", when she parked her car in the wrong place.

Upon completing her nightly drive bys her errands, she returned to her car to find a parking ticket. This did not sit well with the Nice Lady.

It was at this point that the situation went to shit. 


HuffPo fills us in: According to the Jersey Journal, the officer was leaving work at the Hoboken Parking Utility offices at City Hall on Sept. 11 when she was accosted by the angry woman. After the officer told the woman she was going to get her supervisor, she says the woman threw a substance in her face, which was later confirmed to be feces. The species of origin is unclear.
"The attacker told cops she had gotten upset about a parking ticket because she thought she was being targeted because she is Latina," the newspaper reported.
The 39-year-old woman initially denied she had thrown the poop at the officer, but later allegedly admitted it, telling police that she'd scooped the poop off the ground with a paper cup. She was issued a summons for disorderly conduct.

I am quite concerned about this sort of behavior.

My Concerns

  • Police Officers have a tough enough job to do without people throwing shit at them.
  • Even if they do raid the wrong house from time to time.
  • What the hell kind of Dumbass would actually track down a cop to exact some sort of revenge over a fucking parking ticket?
  • A Dumbass with the reasoning skills of a wad of chewed-up-and-spit-out bubble gum.
  • Disorderly conduct?
  • Are you shittin' me?
  • How about "assault with a chemical weapon"?
  • This is doo doo of Unknown Origins.
  • How can we determine what species the offending poop came from?
  • Get DNA samples from all the hookers working the area in and around Hoboken.
  • After all, the Shit Bomb was scooped up off the ground.
  • Hookers in Hoboken are famous for "pinchin' a loaf"  whenever and where ever the urge hits.
  • Look for suspicious dogs also.
  • Even though it's hard to differentiate them from the hookers.
  • Do the Police in Hoboken racially profile all Female Dumbasses?
  • Or just Latina Dumbasses?
  • Or only brown hookers.
  • Or brown dogs?
  • I don't know.
  • I also don't care.

Friday, April 18, 2014

T.G.I.F.! Here's Your (Dumbass) Sign!

Best of Dumbass News

It's Friday!!!!

I know that for many of you that means the end of a perfectly good week interrupted by work.

For many others of you that means your Weekend Pass from the Home for the Chronically & Criminally Fucked Up has been approved.

Either way, you are on the Dumbass Highway to Side-splitting Laughter or At Least a Hardy Guffaw with another exciting episode of Dumbass News Presents: Dumbass Signs & Shit! 

New Dumbasses will find much mirth, merriment and amusement in this previous edition of Dumbass Signs & Billboards

On With the Show!

Come On In! Or Not.

The Free Market at Work!

And Promptly Arrested.


Super Sized?


When Cheap Condoms Don't Work.

Get Your Hepatitis Here!

Sounds More Gay Than Crabby.

ObamaCare at Work.


Thursday, April 17, 2014

Dumbasses & Divorce In Pictures

You are more than likely aware that half of the marriages in the United States end in divorce.

While going through the Big D (and I Don't Mean Dallas) is rarely a pleasant experience, it is always the best idea to dissolve a marriage as amicably as possible.

It's also in your best interest to show proper decorum in a Court of Law should your divorce action go that route. Threatening cook and eat the Judge's children does not fall within the guidelines of acceptable behavior in a legal proceeding.

Everything I just wrote is unquestionably true.

Unless you are a Dumbass.

Dumbasses have an innate ability to turn even something as serious as divorce into a whole other thing.


                                  Dumbasses & Divorce

A Rose by Any Other Name...

Cheaper to Keep Her


Special Delivery

Luck Favors a Prepared Mind

Losing It All

Just Desserts

Easy Weight Loss

Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Cold.....Real Cold


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