Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Does Your Neighbor Fart in Your General Direction? Kill Him! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Does Your Neighbor Fart in Your General Direction? Kill Him!

Best of Dumbass News

Fearless Leaders lead.

That's what I do for you every day.

lead you. I lead you into the depths of human depravity and Dumbassery.

I must say, however, that this blog can be educational as well. Today for example, we will study etymology. Wikipedia defines etymology thusly, "the study of the history of words, their origins, and how their form and meaning have changed over time." 

The word we'll take a look at today is one that is used and actually practiced daily here at the Dumbass Dome. The word is "fart". I know it will come as a surprise to many of you that your Fearless Leader would engage in such juvenile vulgarity. (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough)

Moving right along...

As we all know, "farting", or in the vernacular, "letting one rip""here's a kiss for you" or "cutting the cheese", is the process in which digestive gasses are forced through the anus at super sonic speeds. This type of "fart" is often referred to as a "gasser". Men are the main emitters of such farts, truck drivers being the most notable. My Old Man was a trucker for over 40 years and, believe you me, I know a gasser when I hear one.

Females, on the other hand, "fluff" or "poot" when they emit anal gas., with "fluff" being the quieter of the two types of farting.

How "Fart" Came About

Not being an expert in etymology, I have turned to others more knowledgeable than I. A brief look at the word "fart" from Wiktionary informs us:

Etymology

Pronunciation

Verb

fart (third-person singular simple present fartspresent participle fartingsimple past and past participle farted)
  1. (informal, mildly vulgar) To emit digestive gases from the anus; to flatulate.
  2. (colloquial, usually as "fart around") To waste time with idle and inconsequential tasks; to go about one's activities in a lackadaisical manner; to be lazy or over-relaxed in one's manner or bearing.
Edified yet?

An Almost Gone Gasser

On the surface Daniel Collins of Teaneck, New Jersey looks any other 72 year old would-be felon galavanting around the city. Recently, however, Daniel erased "would-be" from his resume.

Although not yet convicted by a jury of his peers, Collins' likely destination in the very near future is Prison Bitchville.

This Guy Hates Farts
You see, Dirty Dan had an ongoing dispute going on with one of his neighbors when the feud erupted. Literally. The neighbor was coming home from a drunken night of heavy crack cocaine usage when he was strolling by Dan's apartment door. As he was meandering through the hallways of Teaneck's finest soon-to-be condemned slum, he had the urge to fart.

So he did.

It was this gaseous emission that sent Daniel Collins over the edge.

Upon hearing the fartage from his passing neighbor, good ol' Dan rushed to his dresser drawer and grabbed a handgun! He then confronted the fartor while brandishing said firearm and threatened to "put a hole" in his head. Letting one rip in public is certainly not very courteous, but "putting a hole" in the gasser's head is a bit of a harsh reaction when a simple "quit the fucking farting in the hallway, you uncivilized asshole" would have sufficed. Geez, some fucking people. But at least this is the USA, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, where a man can still fart without fear of persecution from the Gubmint. A deranged neighbor may blow your shit away, but you can still fart free!

It goes without saying that Dan was arrested and believe it or not, released from jail on his own recognizance! What. The. Hell!

Justice awaits Dan "The Man" Collins. If there is any Justice (and irony) in the world, he'll get the "gas chamber".

Dumbass.

11 comments:

  1. What happens when his cellmate farts?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Another example of one fool giving his fellow gun-owners a bad name.
    Actually, I'm a bit surprised the gun was legal, registered, etc... Any note on that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I dunno, dj.

      My guess is that he bought from a crack dealer in front of the likker store.

      Delete
  3. Well you better not get close to that guy. I don't buy for a second that you're not an expert. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am an Expert on Farting, but I have only killed people who needed killing - non-expertly of course. Just efficiently. :)

      Delete
    2. Dumbass of all trades! lol

      Delete
  4. On the subject of ladies only "fluffing",..or "poofing"...I may have to respectfully disagree with you oh powerful fearless leader that leads us all!!! I have 3 daughters and neither the word "fluff" or "Poof" is the way I would describe some of the noises that have escaped from their posterior...or rear end!! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I shall refrain from commenting on the "poofing" or "fluffing" (or lack thereof) from the female residents of the Dumbass Dome.

      Delete
    2. Good call fearless/fearful leader

      Delete

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