Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Dumbass Mothers Day Gifts, Part Uno! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Dumbass Mothers Day Gifts, Part Uno!

I am a guy.

I am a lousy gift buyer.

This is especially true when it comes to picking out a gift for a woman, say, like Mom.

When you are a kid getting Mom a Mothers Day present is easy. Any gift will do. Perfume? Sure. House shoes. You bet. Embalmed gila monster incense burner? Not a problem. But as you get older, you are expected to be a bit more practical about such things. I don't understand why that is though. I am still a guy who has no frakkin' clue what to get Mom for her special day. Besides, an embalmed gila monster incense burner still sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

It is at this point that I remind myself that I am a Dumbass.


These days it's much easier to do the actual shopping for a Mothers Day gift, thanks in large part to the internet. If you have an internet connection and a debit card you can buy practically anything from anywhere in the world.

A few mouse clicks and the next thing you know Mom has been booked for an all expense paid trip to Puerta NoOneKnows.

Or she's the proud owner of that authentic fake Shroud of Turin Replica, autographed by Jesus. Yes, Jesus himself (pronounced Hay-soos), a Colombian burro rancher and part-time cocaine distributor for the Cali drug cartel, will personally sign and authenticate each Shroud sold. I must point out that although the Shroud may be a reproduction, the burro hair it is made from is quite real. It's a real steal at 4 bazillion pesos. That's about 38 cents American. A free line of blow is included with bulk orders of 25 or more.

Any Mom would be glad to own one and proud to wear it to her next Little Old Ladies' Every Other Wednesday Canasta Tournament and Tequila Drinking Extravaganza.

Or maybe not.

Dumbass Mothers Day Gifts

A lump of coal in your Christmas stocking is a sign that Mom has been a bad girl. A lump of coal marking the 100th anniversary of the deaths of more than 1000 people says "Happy Mothers Day!".

Mop Slippers make the perfect Mothers Day gift for wimmin whose sons live in Mom's basement! Mop Slippers are especially adept at sweeping up Cheetos dust on the basement floor.

This could be the The Invention of the Century! Aerator Sandals! Just think...while Mom is getting in her daily exercise, simply direct her to your Pot Garden where, utilizing her brand spankin' new Aerator Sandals, Dear Old Ma will be actually helping you cultivate your Latin Lettuce while simultaneously burning off those unwanted calories!

Another wonderful innovation that could change Mom's life forever is the Razorba Back Shaver! If your Maternal Parental unit looks more like King Kong than the Queen of the House, just imagine the endless hours of family fun you can have carving out images of the Zombie cast members of The Walking Dead from Mom's back hair!

The Lip Plumper makes The Dumbass Guide to Mothers Day Gifts for the third year in a row! While this contraption may look like Good Old Dad has an ulterior motive in making this purchase, the fact of the matter is that while this may resemble something that Mom practices "private moments with Dad" on, it's actually a (I ain't making this up) a "Suction-Powered Lip Plumper". It must be a tremendous item, just take notice of the "far away" look in Mom's eyes. I think Dad may be on to something here. I'm just sayin'.

But Wait There's More!

This is only Part 1 of a Two Part Series! 

If your Mother cooks, drinks likker or is a pet owner, you won't want to miss our continuation of Dumbass Mothers Day Gifts tomorrow!

Happy Mothers Day!



  1. nothing says "happy mothers day" more than a lip plumping gizmo.

    "you know, honey, you'd be so much prettier if your lips were a bit more...plump. here. happy mother's day!"

  2. I think Mrs. Fearless Leader would cut off something plump on my person if I gave her one of those things.

  3. "Puerta NoOneKnows", "Haysoos", Mom slippers (I have those!) - you had me laughing so hard with these!!! I can't wait to see Parte Dos. :)


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