Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: May 13, 2006: A Day That Will Live in Dumbass Infamy! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

May 13, 2006: A Day That Will Live in Dumbass Infamy!

Today is A Day That Will Live In Dumbass Infamy.

It was eight years ago today, that I landed in a Foreign Land to begin a new life.

A land far away from The Damnedest Lady You Ever Saw - Texas.

It was May 13, 2006 that I first set foot in Maine.

I came here on a whim, unannounced, and my life changed forever - for the first time I laid my eyes on Heather and Issy in real life.

Back Story: I first got to know Heather in an AOL Chat Room back in 2004. (Don't laugh yet!) All I knew about her was that she was a single Mom with a then almost-two-year-old Baby Girl, Isabella. I noticed in that Chat Room that Heather was not. shall we say "shy". I liked that.

Long story short, we got to be buddies, then very good friends. The It happened. On November 21, 2004, I made The Phone Call that would lead me to The Top Right Hand Corner of the United States. 

I was expecting this to be a visit of a week or two, then back to Colorado where I was living at the time.

It didn't quite work out that way.

Heather now calls me her Husband, Issy is now 11 years old and calls me "Daddy". And just for good measure, Heather and I made a baby together. That baby, Bailey, is now 7 years old.

Below is an old story I wrote a few years ago, so some of the numbers will have changed, but the story itself remains the same.                    
Heather in 50 Years

And it has a happy ending.

The Down Low

As I said, I accompanied my wife shopping today.

All. Day. Long.

The women reading this will say, "You deserve it, you son of a motherless goat". And that's one of the nicer things they say. The men are thinking, "You poor sumbitch, you should have stayed single." Then they drink heavily thinking of the day that they too will be in my position....married. With young children (4 & 9; both girls). And like me, 55 years old. Now who's the poor sumbitch boys? You have all this to look forward too. Poor sumbitches. bwahahaha!

The Real Reason for This Post

Today is my wife's birthday.

She is 36 years old, 19 years younger than me. Even though I'm so much older than she is, she's too old for me. I'd rather have two eighteen year old Swedish Bikini Team Members as "wives". Preferably lesbians. After all, 18 + 18= 36. And the lesbian part is a YouTube sensation waiting to happen. So the shit works out right.

On the real side though, my wife is a good woman, a great wife and Mother, outstanding cook and she's the shiznit in the sack. However, I just can't get over that Swedish Bikini Team thing up there ^^^^^. But, I digress.

In spite of all these outstanding qualities my wife, Heather, possesses, God bless her, she ain't the biggest catfish on the trot line, IYKWIMAITYD. (Yankees and Californians may want to Google the term "trot line". No, it's not pornographic you asswipes.)

Here's an example of how, shall we say, slow my wife is. No, let's not say "slow", let's say "Dumbass". One time I told her that I wanted to watch Monday Night Football. She asked me what night it was on! See? Then there was the time several years ago that I needed to get hammered. She brought me a ball peen jobby. Even though Heather is a Dumbass, she has put up with me for the last seven years, which further proves my point! If the poor woman had dynamite for brains, she couldn't blow her nose. Capice?

On the Real Side

I love Heather very much.

She's stood by me when I thought even God had had enough of me. And believe you me, that's quite a job right there. She has given me two beautiful, smart, healthy little girls. She has, over the last seven years, filled a void in my life and a hole in my heart that I never expected to be filled. She has loved me when I didn't come close to deserving it more times than I can count. In spite of the fact that I am 2000 miles from my beloved Texas, Maine is now my home and I'll probably spend the rest of my life here. And I shall do so without reservation. The reason for that is simple. Her name is Heather. Without her I wouldn't be the Dumbass I am today.

I love you Heather.

Happy birthday.

Dumbass. :)


  1. The Happiest of Birthdays to Mrs. Fearless Leader! I hope it was a day filled with more love and laughter than you could shove into a 24 hour period!


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