Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: June 2014 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Dumbass Billboard of the Day!



Stuff a Southern Dumbass Would Never Say!

Best of Dumbass News


0. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.          

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and lettuce instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who cares who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many mounted deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate.

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey! Here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.


1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole bus load of us down to WATCH THE BALLET PERFORM TODAY!!!

***Thanks to Uncle Robert***

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Dumbass Out-of-Order Sign of the Day!



Dumbass Killed Graveyard Dead By Boobies!

Breast Best of Dumbass News






Sweater puppies.

Whatever we choose to call them, female mammary glands are a mainstay topic here at Dumbass News.

From the lingerie saleslady that was fired from her job because her heat seekers were too big to the stoopid broad who used her breast implants to smuggle cocaine, we've had a grip boobs news like no other web site in the world for almost two and a half years.

Despite the wide range and sheer volume of stories about ta-tas on this blog, new boobies stories come to our attention every day, none odder than the one we'll cover today.

Assault Hooters

Deadly in the Wrong Hands
A couple (of people, not knockers) got into a domestic disturbance. This little confrontation was "lively" enough that concerned neighbors called the Law.

At some point in the argument the female half of the dueling duo pinned her male counterpart down to the ground and laid on top of him. Somehow, the guy's face became buried between the woman's boobs. 99% of the time this would be an enviable position for a guy, or a lezbean, to be in. Such was not the case in this instance. I'm sure that right now there is at least one Dumbass in each of the 163 countries that read Dumbass News wondering, "Since when is it a bad thing for a man to have his mug firmly ensconced twixt a set of sweater puppies?" That's a fair question and there's a reasonable explanation for it. The dude couldn't breathe which lead to a condition known as DEATH! Smothered into the hereafter by boobs!

This story brings to mind the Dumbass who was cheating on his wife and kicked the bucket in mid hump of a threesome. I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb when I say that many of the male Dumbasses reading this post would be more than happy to keel over chin to chest with a woman and her hammers or in a Dumbass a trois. All I can say about that is that you are some sick, twisted fuckers. In other words, my kind of people.

It comes as no surprise that, like several Dumbasses reading this, the Lady With the Assault Boobs was drunk at the time of the incident. I don't know if the guy was drunk or not as he was unavailable for comment because he is DEAD! 

The woman was arrested and is facing 2nd degree murder charges.

Oh, yeah one more thing...this whole ordeal took place in a trailer park.



Friday, June 27, 2014

Dumbass Billboard of the Day!

Self-loathing at its tastiest.....


Extreme Dumbass El Cheapos!

Best of Dumbass News

This past Saturday Mrs. Fearless Leader was watching a marathon of a TV show called Extreme Cheapskates on TLC.

As the title of the show indicates, the show is about people who are, shall we say, "frugal" with their money. No we shall not say "frugal" - we shall say "Cheap Ass Motherfuckers". 

The Dumbasses featured on the program go to great lengths to not spend money.

It's not like these idjits are broke ass bitches either.

Still, they do the Stoopidest Shit in the History of Stoopid Shit in order to be Cheap Ass Motherfuckers.

One guy on the show had about a quarter million dollars in the bank, but his wallet was so tight you couldn't drive a straight pin in it with a jackhammer.

For example, for his daughter's Sweet 16 Party, instead of renting out a banquet hall at a hotel or the VFW, he saved a shit load of cash by , get this, renting out a strip club!

Also on the show, a Dumbass Cheapskate Bimbo who lived in a million dollar house, actually went door to door in her neighborhood asking residents if they had any leftover food she could have to feed her family!

After all this fun, froth and frivolity, I thought to myself, "Hey, Self! This kind of thing would make a great blog post!" 

I agreed with myself.

So, I utilized my Fearless Leader Google Fu Super Powers and came up with a web site called Wise Bread. 

It was here that I found some handy tips on "frugality".

You might want to take notes on these nifty money-saving tips.

The more money you save by being a Cheap Ass Motherfucker, the more money you have for the
important things in life - like likker.

And hookers.

And blow. 

How to Be an El Cheapo Dumbass

The following advice on How to Be a CAMF are taken verbatim from Wise Bread

Don't Waste Money on Toilet Paper. Use Newspaper, Junk Mail, Bills & More! - There's a great deal of satisfaction that comes from wiping your butt on a credit card mailing or an electricity bill. And it helps the environment as well as your pocket! (ed. note: there are a few more tips on conserving TP, like the Sandra Bullock 2 Sheets Per Poop Method

Fearless Leader: Yep, nothing says "clean ass", satisfaction and raw anus like wiping your butt on a             credit card mailing or an electricity bill.

One Man's Trash Is Another Man's Treasure - There's no shame in going through the neighbors' trash once it has been placed outside for collection. It's public domain, and you can pick up some great things that other people just don't want or need anymore.

FL: There may be no shame in going through your neighbors' garbage, but there is a great deal of                 shame, not to mention medical bills and excruciating pain, from a shotgun blast to your ass when your             neighbor mistakes you for a prowler instead of a Cheap Ass Motherfucker.

Free Food From the Grocery Stores - They throw away perfectly good food every night. You can eat like a King for free on the bags of food they throw away at the end of the day.
    FL: The only King you'll be eating like when you raid a grocery store's dumpster for a menu of                     outdated, rancid food is King Kong.

    Free Flowers for Birthdays, Weddings and More! - Just go to a nearby cemetery and swipe some new flowers from a grave. The dead people won't miss them and someone else will get a smile from them

    FL: While it is true that "the dead people won't miss them", God and the Sheriff's Department might             see things differently. And if by "get a smile from them" you mean "projectile puking", then you are                 spot on

    Dump Your Partner at the Right Time - If you're thinking of quitting a relationship, make sure you exit before any major anniversaries, birthdays or anything like that. The last thing you ant to do is buy an expensive present before you go your separate ways.

    FL: In this scenario, splitting up will cause much heartbreak and sadness for the basement-dweller               that was looking forward to getting a stuffed jackalope to decorate his digs.

    Guys, Don't Get Married - There may be tax breaks but when you're single you're rolling in money, even on a low salary. Get married and it will all go away. For a start, women need way more money than men, including toiletries, clothes, shoes, hair styling and more. Most women can't go five days on a big batch of chili or spaghetti - they want variety. And salads cost a fortune too. Once you start having kids, kiss goodbye to any extra cash to any money you did have. Seriously, stay single. It's the best way to save money.

    FL: It is also a well-known fact that most chicks are not big fans of Cheetos and Budweiser for                   breakfast. I have never understood this.

    Spill Your Drink at a Bar or Restaurant - Wait until your beer is about one-third full, then get in the way of a member of the wait staff and make sure they "make" you spill your drink. They'll usually offer to get you a free replacement, and it will e FREE!

    FL: Just be sure to pull this ruse each time with a different member of the wait staff. Preferably those           with bigguns.


    Thursday, June 26, 2014

    Wednesday, June 25, 2014

    Dumbass Road Sign of the Day: iDiots & iPhones

    Driving while stoopid.....


    Wanna Miss a Dental Appointment? Create a Kidnapping Hoax!


    A new fake kidnapping story!

    With a twist.

    As if faking your own kidnapping isn't twisted enough.

    Clue to The Twist: dentist. 

    I have written a couple of stories about fake kidnappings.
    It is my Considered Professional Kidnap Hoax Opinion that both of these Dumbasses had some very legitimate reasons for their actions, I can think of more effective (and non-felonious) methods to employ  which will achieve the desired results.

    In the first case above, a D-I-V-O-R-C-E lawyer immediately springs to mind.

    With regards to the second example, I'm thinking that a bouquet of roses, a nice supper (not at McDonalds) and perhaps a five carat diamond ring would be most persuasive in re-garnering the affections an inattentive former sweetie pie.

    Such sage advice is one reason that I am a Fearless Leader and these two guys are mere Dumbasses.

    While my influence on Dumbassery is global, not every body pays attention.

    With that in mind, let us delve into today's story in hopes of salvaging a life that has at a much-too-young age turned down the Expressway to Ineptitude.

    Stoopididity Trifecta: Kid, Fwench & a Dumbass

    From the outset the 12 year old kid in today's story has two strikes against him - he's Fwench and he's a 12
    year old kid. This is a sad way to live - as a Fwench kid that is. Hell, it's s ad way to live as a Fwench anything!

    Luckily the boy didn't get a head start in the Dumbassery Department.

    However, once he went Dumbass, he went all in.

    Let me splain.

    • The Kid was facing a situation that would scare the hell out of any kid.
    • And 99% of Fwench men.
    • The Kid devises a plan!
    • He stages his own kidnapping!
    • He eludes Fwench authorities for over a month.
    • This is not a surprise.
    • The Fwench Authorities are, well, Fwench.
    • With the promise of a lifetime supply of Chocolate Mousse, The Kid confesses to the Fwench Authorities that he faked the entire saga because he was scared to death of what awaited him.
    • A visit to the dentist!
    • The Kid will make an exemplary Fwench Man.
    • And I use the words "exemplary" and "Fwench" in the same sentence under protest.

    Vive la Fwance!

    Tuesday, June 24, 2014

    Lois Lerner/Special Delivery Dumbass Photo of the Day: Snail Mail!

    Neither rain, hail, sleet nor a mayonnaise jar lid full of beer will stop this carrier from his appointed rounds....


    ***Hat tip to @ShaughnA on Twitter***

    Meth Head Fights Off 15 Cops, While Whacking His Pee Pee!


    I ran this story back in January.

    In it you'll find references to the  4th Annual Fred G. Sanford "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards or as they are sometimes referred to as The Dummies.

    For New Dumbasses, this is an extravaganza that takes the internet by storm at the end of each year.

    The Dummies are a conglomeration of the "best" stoopididity of the year, with nominees neatly divided into varying categories of Dumbassery.

    Kind of like the Academy Awards.

    Except The Dummies are not fake like the Oscars.

    There's not enough writing talent (or cocaine) in Hollywood that could come up with some of the stunts that real Dumbasses from around the world pull off every day simply because they are fucking idjits.

    And sober.


    Best of Dumbass News

    In case you've been away from the internet or, as I strongly suspect, sleeping in a dumpster behind your local Taco Bell for a few days, you have missed The Dumbass Social Even of the Year - the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards! 

    Go here to catch up on the Best Dumbassery of 2013.

    You'll be astounded at the utter stoopididity and blatant disregard for common sense and decency displayed by your Fellow Human Beans.

    The meek may inherit the Earth, but Dumbasses will be stuck with New Jersey.

    Or Oregon.


    Just the Facts, Ma'am

    • Dumbass does meth.
    • Dumbass tweeks like the Energizer Bunny on NiCad batteries.
    • For some reason, Dumbass calls locksmith.
    • Locksmith performs locksmithing duties.
    • Dumbass refuses to pay locksmith.
    • Dumbass runs like scalded dawg away from locksmith.
    • Dumbass enters Brook's Market, continuing Tweekathon.
    • Meth Head asked to leave Broo's Market. 
    • Refuses GTFO request by Brook's workers.
    • Brook's Market employee escorts El Tweeko from premises.
    • Dumbass stumbles into Iggy's Bar.
    • This is where the fun begins.
    So, now the Dumbass, identified as Andrew Frey, is in Iggy's where he goes into Full Tilt Boogie Tweek Spaz Out. 

    He is asked to leave.

    Andrew doesn't leave Iggy's, but he does the Next Best Thing - he yanks out his weenie and starts

    pounding on that thing like a Rocky Balboa one-two on a side of beef.

    It is at this point that the Police are notified.

    A cop quickly arrives at the scene of the Hand-to-Dick Assault and a confrontation between the Deputy and the Tweeked Up Pud Pounder occurs. Told to "Drop the penis and back away slowly...", Andrew replies, "I'm not finished yet." 

    Long story short...Andrew gets tased. It has no effect on him....or his ding-a-ling.

    The Deputy called for backup.

    Then Backup called for backup!

    Then the backup for the backup called for more backup!

    Fifteen cops in all!

    Andrew goes to jail.

    A few hours after his arrest, Handy Andy said that he was so methed up that he didn't remember anything about that day.

    No problem, Andy! You can always refer back to Dumbass News and print this page and save it for posterity! I'm sure that the Future Generations of Meth Freaks that will most certainly form the branches of your family tree will recoil with hardy guffaws at this little bit of Frey Family History.

    It is at this precise moment that, as the Patriarch of the Pud Pounders, informed by the Wisdom of the Years, you will look your progeny directly in the eyes and with a straight face and say, "Never call a locksmith when you are on crank...and never crank your crank while your on crank...unless you can "finish" before the Cops get there."


    ***Image from***
    ***Hat Tip to Mrs. Fearless Leader***

    Monday, June 23, 2014

    Dumbass Dog of the Day: It's All About Attitude!

    It ain't the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.....

    Take *that*, bitch!


    Dumbass Protest Signs!

    Protesting is as old as America.

    The most famous protest in this country's history is probably The Boston Tea Party.

    While there have been many other protests that are a part of the fabric of the United States, countless others have been, shall we say, "stoopid".

    And as you know, with stoopid protests come Dumbass Protest Signs!

    Snow Soccer Fans are Vicious

    Lord Know There Are Too Many Morans in This Country


    Maui Wowie?

    Worm Hole.

    Mad at Gay Astronauts.


    Religion of Pieces.


    Back to the Future. Or the Past. Or Something.


    Sunday, June 22, 2014

    Dumbass Wisdom of the Day!

    At least the stoopid stops when you are dead.....


    Dumbass Restaurant Signs - Another Look!

    Best of Dumbass News

    I am a White Guy.

    I am also (mostly) bi-lingual.

    I was born and raised in Texas, so Spanish is my "second language". I don't speak it like a Native Spanish/Meskin Guy, but I do pretty good - for a Gringo that is. By the way, I can also read and write Espanol and can mostly keep up with what's going on with TV shows on Univision and Telemundo. "El Chapulin Colorado" and "Llevatelo" were my favorite Meskin TV Shows.

    Reading very simple Eye-talian and French are a part of my Furn Lingo Repe-twawr as well.

    I am a Worldly Fearless Leader, to say the least.

    Having said all that, I can say with a degree of certainty that foreign languages do not always translate well to English.

    While today's Adventure in Dumbass Land does not involve any Meskin Lingo, the principle remains the same - translation ain't easy.

    Especially when the translation involves going from some Oriental (mostly Chinese) idiom to American English.

    The following restaurant signs make the point for me.

    Ho Lee Phuk Signs

    Thank God my cat is laying right next to me as I type this.

    Is this the same restaurant?

    Fu King "A"!

    Yeah! Fook Hing all to hell!

    No, fook you!


    Shitty food?

    Buddah Buffet?

    Sounds painful to me.

    Saving the best for last......

    I got nuthin.

    Dumbasses. (蠢驴.)

    Saturday, June 21, 2014

    Dumbass World Cup Sign of the Day!



    Dumbass Crime Report: Small Town Police Blotters!

    Best of Dumbass News

    Without a doubt, the Most Popular Special Feature on Dumbass News is Dumbass Newspaper Headlines.

    Newer Special Features on the blog, also big hits with the Dumbass Horde, are Dumbass Newspaper Layouts and Dumbass Classified Ads. 

    Today we are taking the basic premise of those features one step further.

    If you have ever lived in a small town and read the local newspaper, you will have undoubtedly come across (and probably gotten a chuckle from) the Weekly Police Blotter. If you are unfamiliar with the Police Blotter in a small town paper, it's a round up of calls answered by the County Sheriff or the Town Police Department.

    Almost all these calls are pretty benign. For example, I still remember a snippet from the Police Blotter in the newspaper in Graham, Texas from over twenty years ago. This is a nearly verbatim recollection of that item: "Police received a call of a bull running loose on County Road XYZ. Officers responded. Cow put up."

    From small town newspapers across The Fruited Plain, we proudly present....The First Ever Dumbass News Police Blotter! 

    She Also Smoked a Late Night Doobie.

    Next Up: Mommy Teaches Kid Importance of Not Listening to Mommy

    Personal Foul

    Another Late Night Doobie Freak

    Thank God It Wasn't a Dutch Oven

    Have You Seen This Man?

    High Tech Police Investigative Tools

    On the Bottom of the Cage Was a Copy of This Newspaper

    After All, "Prostitution" & "Failure to Stop at an RR Crossing" Are Often Confused for Each Other

    Also: Lawsuit Against Shaq Pending


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