Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Extreme Dumbass El Cheapos! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, June 27, 2014

Extreme Dumbass El Cheapos!

Best of Dumbass News

This past Saturday Mrs. Fearless Leader was watching a marathon of a TV show called Extreme Cheapskates on TLC.

As the title of the show indicates, the show is about people who are, shall we say, "frugal" with their money. No we shall not say "frugal" - we shall say "Cheap Ass Motherfuckers". 

The Dumbasses featured on the program go to great lengths to not spend money.

It's not like these idjits are broke ass bitches either.

Still, they do the Stoopidest Shit in the History of Stoopid Shit in order to be Cheap Ass Motherfuckers.

One guy on the show had about a quarter million dollars in the bank, but his wallet was so tight you couldn't drive a straight pin in it with a jackhammer.

For example, for his daughter's Sweet 16 Party, instead of renting out a banquet hall at a hotel or the VFW, he saved a shit load of cash by , get this, renting out a strip club!

Also on the show, a Dumbass Cheapskate Bimbo who lived in a million dollar house, actually went door to door in her neighborhood asking residents if they had any leftover food she could have to feed her family!

After all this fun, froth and frivolity, I thought to myself, "Hey, Self! This kind of thing would make a great blog post!" 

I agreed with myself.

So, I utilized my Fearless Leader Google Fu Super Powers and came up with a web site called Wise Bread. 

It was here that I found some handy tips on "frugality".

You might want to take notes on these nifty money-saving tips.

The more money you save by being a Cheap Ass Motherfucker, the more money you have for the
important things in life - like likker.

And hookers.

And blow. 

How to Be an El Cheapo Dumbass

The following advice on How to Be a CAMF are taken verbatim from Wise Bread

Don't Waste Money on Toilet Paper. Use Newspaper, Junk Mail, Bills & More! - There's a great deal of satisfaction that comes from wiping your butt on a credit card mailing or an electricity bill. And it helps the environment as well as your pocket! (ed. note: there are a few more tips on conserving TP, like the Sandra Bullock 2 Sheets Per Poop Method

Fearless Leader: Yep, nothing says "clean ass", satisfaction and raw anus like wiping your butt on a             credit card mailing or an electricity bill.


One Man's Trash Is Another Man's Treasure - There's no shame in going through the neighbors' trash once it has been placed outside for collection. It's public domain, and you can pick up some great things that other people just don't want or need anymore.

FL: There may be no shame in going through your neighbors' garbage, but there is a great deal of                 shame, not to mention medical bills and excruciating pain, from a shotgun blast to your ass when your             neighbor mistakes you for a prowler instead of a Cheap Ass Motherfucker.


Free Food From the Grocery Stores - They throw away perfectly good food every night. You can eat like a King for free on the bags of food they throw away at the end of the day.
    FL: The only King you'll be eating like when you raid a grocery store's dumpster for a menu of                     outdated, rancid food is King Kong.




    Free Flowers for Birthdays, Weddings and More! - Just go to a nearby cemetery and swipe some new flowers from a grave. The dead people won't miss them and someone else will get a smile from them

    FL: While it is true that "the dead people won't miss them", God and the Sheriff's Department might             see things differently. And if by "get a smile from them" you mean "projectile puking", then you are                 spot on


    Dump Your Partner at the Right Time - If you're thinking of quitting a relationship, make sure you exit before any major anniversaries, birthdays or anything like that. The last thing you ant to do is buy an expensive present before you go your separate ways.

    FL: In this scenario, splitting up will cause much heartbreak and sadness for the basement-dweller               that was looking forward to getting a stuffed jackalope to decorate his digs.


    Guys, Don't Get Married - There may be tax breaks but when you're single you're rolling in money, even on a low salary. Get married and it will all go away. For a start, women need way more money than men, including toiletries, clothes, shoes, hair styling and more. Most women can't go five days on a big batch of chili or spaghetti - they want variety. And salads cost a fortune too. Once you start having kids, kiss goodbye to any extra cash to any money you did have. Seriously, stay single. It's the best way to save money.

    FL: It is also a well-known fact that most chicks are not big fans of Cheetos and Budweiser for                   breakfast. I have never understood this.


    Spill Your Drink at a Bar or Restaurant - Wait until your beer is about one-third full, then get in the way of a member of the wait staff and make sure they "make" you spill your drink. They'll usually offer to get you a free replacement, and it will e FREE!

    FL: Just be sure to pull this ruse each time with a different member of the wait staff. Preferably those           with bigguns.

    Dumbasses.

    6 comments:

    1. Don't Waste Money on Toilet Paper. Use Newspaper, Junk Mail, Bills & More!

      This is a great tip. If you want to meet your local plumber while he rods out your drain. That crap they mail usually does not break down in the pipes or, especially, in your septic tank.

      Hmmm. Nice soft toilet paper for my bum. Or 75 dollar an hour (plus trip charge) plumber?

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. Not to mention the damage it does to your ass.

        Delete
      2. Just make sure you take out the staples

        Delete
    2. Replies
      1. I fear for ME! My wife watches shit like this all the damn time!

        Delete

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