Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Dumbass Outdoors, II: Aim at Moose, Shoots Old Man Sitting On Toilet! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Dumbass Outdoors, II: Aim at Moose, Shoots Old Man Sitting On Toilet!

Best of Dumbass News

I am a Texan.

I now live in a Foreign Land....Maine.

Moose are a Big Deal up here.

Such a Big Deal that in 1979, moose were declared the State Animal of Maine.

Known to the Scientific Community as alces alces, which means "Big Hairy Fucker With a Large Rack on Its Head" or alternatively, "Mother in Law", moose play a big part in the culture and history of The Pine Tree State. Moose are hunted, eaten and photographed here more than almost any other creature - the exceptions being lobsters and the Great New England Jackalope. Moose occasionally get caught up in swing sets as well.

They also serve to remind Mainers that we are very close to Canada. Truth be told, a moose on the other side of the Saint Croix River can fart and it can be heard as far south as Skowhegan. True story.

Moose are one of the most sought-after big game animals in Norway.
Big Hairy Fucker With a Large Rack On Its Head

And not just for sex either.

Let me splain.

Scandi Goes Moose Hunting

A Norwegian Guy, whom we'll call "Lars", was recently enjoying a fine Scandi autumn morning of moose hunting.

After many hours of fruitless pursuit of the "Mother in Law", Lars, drunk on a cheap Norwegian beer called "Pabst Blue Husqvarna", came face to antlers with his quarry. Taking careful aim at the Big Hairy Fucker With a Large Rack On Its Head, Lars steadied himself and purposefully, yet gently, squeezed the trigger of his Instrument of Laying a Moose Out as Cold as a Block of Ice (his rifle). BANG! A direct hit!

Except it wasn't a direct hit on the moose!

The bullet intended for Lars' prey went astray, striking an Elderly Scandi Guy, whom we'll call "Thor".

At the time of the accident, Thor was in his home!

Sitting on the toilet! 

Taking. A. Shit!

Getting blasted by a high velocity projectile from a hunting rifle while pooping causes a few things to happen:

  1. Extreme bleeding from the wound.
  2. Obliterated innards.
  3. A clean Poop Chute. <---- This is called "Having the Shit Scared Out of You".
  4. A still-live moose.
Luckily, Thor's injuries are not life threatening and he's gonna be OK.

Lars, on the other hand, was cited for the Norwegian equivalent of "Being a Reckless Scandi Taint Stain While Trying to Shoot a Moose with a High-Powered Rifle and Hitting an Old Scandi Dude Taking a Shit Instead". 


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