Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: EPA Wants to Regulate Cow Farts! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, July 6, 2014

EPA Wants to Regulate Cow Farts!

Best of Dumbass News

I am a Man of Science.

I do not, however, hold a college degree in Physics, Biology, Meteorology, Climatology or any of that Science-y Hogwash.

On the other hand, I am the proud possessor of an Honor that is much more valuable than any of those credentials - a Ph.D in Common Fucking Sense.

Short of the simultaneous detonation of several thousand nuclear weapons,which would undoubtedly fuck up the climate (and be Man Made), it is therefore with a 100% Degree of Certainty that I say that Man Made Global Warming/Climate Change is a heap big pile of Bison Bagels.

I am also firm in my opinion that if a few thousand nukes were sploded all at once that we'd have more pressing issues to deal with than Climate Change. Growing a third eye comes to mind. And a world of seven billion people that will all end up looking like this:

"But, Mr. He of No Formal Education in Climate Science (or Bison Bagels), how can you be so sure of such a bold claim?", you query.

It's quite simple actually.

I have an unquestionable source of information. A source so impeccable, so powerful, so well-armed with those pesky little things called facts, inconvenient truths as it were (thanks, Algore!), a source so undeniable that to question Her would be an exercise in utter futility.

As a matter of fact, you know Her, too.

Her name is Mother Nature.

Ma Nature Breaks Out the Clue By Four

  • Down Under, in the Australian state of Victoria, they were experiencing a years-long drought that had made fresh water a rare commodity. Of course the drought was The Result of Global Warming! What to do? Local Officials said, "Crikey! It looks like we have two choices, mate. We can build a desalination plant that will cost almost $6 billion or we can build a dam that will give us three times as much fresh water as the desal plant at about one-fourth of the cost." Much discussion ensued, and by "much discussion" I mean however long it took the Victorian Chapter of the Desalination Plant Builders Union, Kickback Division to write a check to The Oz-starlian In Charge of the Nudge-Wink-Just-Spell-My-Name-Right-On-The-Check Unit of the Fresh Water Don't Come Cheap and Neither Does My New 16 Bedroom Villa Agency. Mother Nature, or as Aussies call her "Sheila Nature" got wind of this scam and reminded The Emperor of Victoria and his minions just who is in charge by letting loose with record rainfall and flooding!
  • Global Warming caused by fossil fuels and other Evil White Guy-Made Shit became a source of dire predictions of climatic catastrophe in England too. So like a House of Cards the citizens of whatever the fuck part of England we are talking about here folded to the pressure of the Green Weenie Crowd and built some wind turbines for producing electricity. Then some rare birds were sighted. Birds so rare that they were thought to have been extinct! Well now these rare birds are definitely on their way to extinction - because the wind. turbines. are. KILLING. them! Irony much?
  • Here's a little known fact: Climate Change causes mental illness! This is GREAT news for me! I will soon be the Fearless Leader of seven billion New Dumbasses!
And if all that ain't enough Buffalo Bagels for you, Preznit Waste of Skin has targeted a much more sinister source of Glo-bull Warming than previously thought.

Cow farts! 

I am not making this up!

The Environmental Protection Agency has deemed cow farts to be an extremely potent greenhouse gas! New EPA regulations seek to reduce Bovine Butt Booms by 25% by 2020.

According to Examiner.comfarmers will be forced to reduce their herd sizes by 25% or face stiff penalties if their cows fart too much. 

As you can imagine, I have some thoughts on this subject. If these proposed EPA regulations take effect:

  1. The supply of beef will be drastically reduced and its price will skyrocket.
  2. In regards to milk: see Number 1.
  3. Do baby seals fart as much as cows?
  4. If they do, will we be required to club the little motherfuckers to death?
  5. Eskimos will like that.
  6. A lot.
  7. How many cow farts is too many cow farts?
  8. Who determines this?
  9. How is this determined?
  10. With a Bovine Butt Bomb-o-Meter?
  11. Some entrepreneurial American will invent a Bovine Butt Bomb-o-Meter and become obscenely wealthy.
  12. Why would any sane person volunteer to measure extremely potent greenhouse gasses in Angus Ass Effects?
  13. I recently saw an episode of Amish Mafia where members of the non-existent Amish Mafia captured cow farts in garbage bags.
  14. Since I have no idea how to build a Bovine Butt Bomb-o-Meter, I am going into the garbage bag bidness.
  15. Are people who eat beans next on the EPA's Egregious Emitters of Extremely Potent Greenhouse Gas List?
  16. Soon we'll have no Rednecks or Meskins.  
  17. Wisconsin will never smell the same.
  18. If we could only reduce the size of the EPA by 25%.
  19. That's a good start.
  20. Fuck the EPA and the cow they rode in on.

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