Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Nigerian Retirement Plan: Smuggle Cocaine in Roasted Chicken! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Nigerian Retirement Plan: Smuggle Cocaine in Roasted Chicken!

Some of the most popular stories that have "graced" the pages of Dumbass News over the last nearly-four years have been about Dumbasses involved with drugs - specifically cocaine.

Two of my personal favorites reveal some of the more unique hiding places that modern drug dealers use when smuggling contraband from Point A to Point B:

  1. In hair weaves
  2. In Breast implants
Now we can add "roasted chicken" to that ever-growing list.

Nigerian Retirement Plan: Just Add Coke

Planning Ahead

Vincent Chegini Chinweuwa had a retirement plan that would set him up for life in his native Nigeria.

It involved the humble roasted chicken.

And cocaine.

$150,000 worth of cocaine.

You see Vincent had struggled for six long years while living in Brazil with hopes of some day returning a wealthy man to his beloved Homeland, so he meticulously planned his return to Lagos. His scheme included buying cocaine so he could sell it back in Nigeria earning him a nifty profit and instant retirement.

Here's where the roasted chickens come into play.

Vincent had bought 2.6 kilos (that's almost 6 pounds) of Brazilian toot and stuffed it into the yard birds' asses hoping to sneak it past Nigerian Customs and realize his dreams of a life of luxury.

But, it didn't work out.

Plan Gone Awry

Vincent got his coke OK and got it shoved up the roasted chickens asses.

So far, so good.

He encountered problems, however, when he got to the airport in Lagos. It seems that during the six years that Vinny was in Brazil, Nigerian Customs Agents had undergone intensive training to be on the lookout for drug smugglers and that they had also gotten some more modern drug detection equipment to help them in their fight against narcotics trafficking.

Vince did not get the memo.

He got busted and is now awaiting trial while in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison. And by "ultra-modern" I of course mean rat-infested, urine-soaked, disease-ridden hell hole. You know, like Detroit.

This is what happens when one tries to skirt the rules when reaching retirement age.

After learning of Vince's plight, I have determined that being forced (due to health issues) into retirement is not as big a pain in the ass as spending my Golden Years in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison for smuggling nearly six pounds of blow into the country. Besides, I am a White Guy and I would guess that White Guys are at a "premium" in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison. By "premium", I of course mean "prison bitches". I am a lot of things, some of them not so good, but "prison bitch" ain't one of 'em.

I'll leave the prison bitchery to Vincent Takesomeballs Tothechinweuwa.

I would, however, like a nice juicy piece of roasted chicken. Hold the coke.


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