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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Sick as Hell on My Birthday: Please Sweet Jesus Take Me Home!

As I type this, I am a bit under the weather.

Actually, I am a lot under the weather.

This particular malady is what is referred to by the Medical Community as Sick as Fuck. This condition also has been called Feeling Like Shit and Please, Sweet Jesus Take Me Home. 

Please, Sweet Jesus Take Me Home is also a very important part of Catholicism. In Church Doctrine this known as The Divinely-Inspired Stark Reminder to Go to Confession and Line Up a Priest for the Last Rites.


For decades I have been under the impression that a Near Death Experience would consist of a magnificent tunnel of very bright white light, angels singing in Heavenly Harmony and being greeted by friends and loved ones who have gone before me.

I can, with 100% certainty and without a doubt, debunk this theory of the NDE. I have determined that this is what the Scientific Method defines as "Bullshit".

Instead of a tunnel of white light, angels singing and old friends and family members, my NDE has been expressed by spots before my eyes, white people trying to sing rap music and The Porcelain Pony. Add to these symptoms a little projectile puking and Atomic Force Anally-Emitted Doo Doo Detonations and that pretty much sums up what a severe case of Please, Sweet Jesus Take Me Home entails.

Did I mention that today is my 58th birthday?

Happy Fucking Birthday to me, huh?

I need a priest.

Please, Sweet Jesus take me home.


  1. Awwww Toby, that sucks. I'm sorry your sick but even sorrier that you're sick on your birthday. Get better soon!!!

    1. Thank you, Teri!

      I wrote this post last night, so I am no longer in the "Please Sweet Jesus Take Me Home" phase. I am, now in the "still feeling like shit" phase.

      I still need to go to confession though. :)

  2. HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY!!!!! I truly hope you're feeling better Big Guy!


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