Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: October 2014 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Dumbass Potato Cartoon of the Day: What Beautiful Eyes You Have!

My eyes adored you.........


Dumbass Birth Control: Potato in the Poonanny!

***WARNING: This story is fucked up & prolly NSFW***

I am a Texan, therefore I am naturally predisposed to like potatoes.

It's in our DNA.

I love fried taters.

I like 'em smashed, French fried, baked, scalloped, hashed and totted.
Dick Tater

There's not a way I know of that I would eat a potato.


There is one way.

If it was used as a feminine contraceptive.

Let me splain.

In Colombia (South America, not Missouri or South Carolina), there lives a woman of questionable repute. By "questionable repute" I mean "slut".

This senorita boinks every Tomas, Ricardo and Juan in her village.

I give her credit though for taking the necessary precautions in spawning any unwanted or unexpected neen-yoes.

By using the most common South American Slut Birth Control Device available - a potato!

Now, I am sure you are asking yourself, "How in the name of McDonalds French fries can a spud be used as a little swimmer stopper?"

By inserting it "down there"!

I am not making this up!

Your next question should be, "Where in the name of All That Is Holy did this whore come across this idea?!"

Before I answer that pregunta (a little Meskin lingo there), please be situated so when you keel over in a second that you will fall onto a soft place. Also make sure you have a shot fifth of Jose Cuervo handy.

Senorita Slutita learned this from her MOTHER!

Espera! Hay mas! <---Meskin for "But wait, there's more!

So, one night the chick goes out and corrals herself a Drunk Meskin, or in the vernacular a Papa Frita (fried potato). They bump uglies and go their separate ways.

Senorita Slutita did not become pregnant.

She also did not remove the potato from her poonanny!

For. Two. Weeks! 

***Serious Gross Out & Possible Violent Vomiting Alert***

Wait a minute! Everything thus far will seem "normal" to you until I tell you this: the potato started growing roots out the slut's vagina!

It seems that the conditions inside a woman's private parts are perfect for a potato to grow!

After a couple weeks the young lady began to experience abdominal pains and was taken to the hospital.

After much intensive consultation, the medical team examining our little Colombian Concubine determined that the tuber needed about fifteen more minutes in the "oven" before it was edible. OK, I made that "edible" part up.

The hospital staff removed the potato without having to do surgery (or use sour cream) and the puta will be fine.

All I can say is that it must have been an I Da Ho potato.


***Hat tip to Mrs. Fearless Leader and Happy Place ***

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Dumbass Opinion: Wimmin & Football

He. Could. Go. All. The. Way!!!!


Dumbass Sports: Greatest Team Nicknames in the United States!

There are some sports teams whose nicknames that just fit the team.

Texas Longhorns. What's more Texan than a Longhorn? besides the Alamo, that is.

Colorado Buffaloes. Like a hand and a glove.

Such a symphony of location and mascot are not always so harmonious though.

Los Angeles Lakers for example. Before moving to La La Land, they were the Minneapolis Lakers. That makes sense. Minneapolis is in Minnesota and Minnesota is the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Los Angeles? The Land of 10,000 Bloods and Crips.

All of this got me to thinking - what are some of the more unusual sports team nicknames from high schools and colleges that dot The Fruited Plain?

In order to find out, I let the Boys at Yardbreaker do the heavy lifting.

Here's what I discovered:

Itasca, Texas - Because 'Wampus Armadillos' Was Already Taken

Utah - Better Than 'Gravediggers'

Chattanooga (TN) Central High Purple Pounders - With Cheese?

Shotgun Slugs Was Out of the Question

Illinois - We Have Enough Teams Called the Giants

Their Top Rival is the Pancake High School Aunt Jemimas

Washington - Hated By Environmentalists Everywhere

'Scrapping Stinkers' Just Didn't Sound Right

This Name Barely Beat Out 'Watersmeet Nimrods & Reels'

AZ -Named for Refugees From Los Angeles

Almost Called 'The Butte Holes'

And then there's my Alma Mater, The University of Texarkhoma:

Heyernk! Heyernk!


Monday, October 27, 2014

Dumbass TV Ad Hall of Fame:The Dirt Devil Made Me Do It!

Possessed by the (Dirt) Devil....


***Hat Tip to Bill Cismar***

Dumbass Patriotic Post of the Day: Fart for America!

Yesterday I posted a Dumbass Fart Statistic that gave me the idea on how we could put the United States of America on the road to Energy Independence simply by harnessing the Power of the Poot. 

The gist of the Dumbass Fart Statistic is that if you farted continuously for 6 years and 9 months, that the total quantity of gas, or as it is known in the International Cabal of Mad Scientists and Enviropussies "Anally Emitted Climate Change Particulates" a k a "Atomic Ass Gas", produced would be equal to the amount of energy released by an atomic bomb.

Atomic Ass Gas - It's Good for America!

As the World's Leading Scientistic Journal for the Dumbass Community, it is incumbent upon the Highly Educated and Extremely Inebriated Scientistic Staff at Dumbass News to not only question the validity (or lack thereof) of the conclusions reached by Fake Scientists and Godless Commie Bastards like Stephen Hawking and a bunch of guys whose first name is an initial, but to expound and expand upon them as well.

So I called an emergency meeting of the best and brightest members of the Highly Educated and Extremely Inebriated Scientistic Staff at Dumbass News. By "emergency meeting" I mean I said, "Let me have one more hit, then we can have an Open Scientistic Discussion how we can get our nation on the path to energy independence by harnessing the power of Atomic Ass Gas". 

So we put the bong down and started bouncing ideas off each other.

We also brought in a 55 gallon drum of Fritos and a five gallon bucket of bean dip.

That's when it hit us!

BEANS are the answer!

I won't bore you with the details of how existing infrastructure like oil and natural gas pipelines could be immediately converted for the use of Atomic Ass Gas, instead I shall show to you the readily available and generally inexpensive Atoimc Ass Gas resources at the disposal of most Americans.

  • Pinto beans.
  • Cabbage.
  • Broccoli. 
  • Meskin food.
  • Taco Bell specifically.
  • Watching "The View" CAUTION: May also cause projectile puking.
Of course this means that Rolaids, Tums, Gas-X and all other antacids/anti-fart medications will be immediately re-classified as Schedule II Controlled Substances.

If every man woman and child in the United States does his/her part, we will soon be able to tell every Anti-American Country of Goat-Humping Bacon Haters in the Middle East to shove their oil wells up a camel's ass. Of course that would considered a "normal Saturday night" over there, but what the heck.

I have given you the tools so that we can ween ourselves off petroleum products into a fully Atomic Ass Gas- powered nation and fuck over the Ay-rabs in the process, now it's up to you.

It's your civic duty, Y'all!

Fart for America!

Your country needs you!

And your Atomic Ass Gas.


Sunday, October 26, 2014

Answer to Energy Independence? Atomic Farts!

The number of guys growing red beans skyrockets......


SWAT Team Confronts Biggest Fear: Guy w/Concealed Gun Tattoo!

Best of Dumbass News

I am a Texan.

I am also a Foreigner.

In Maine.

Or as Mainers are prone to say, I am "from away".

Away from what, I don't know, but they say that a lot about non-native Mainerds.

Except for people from the state in which Boston is located. Residents of this area are commonly referred to as "Mass-holes". With good reason.

While the Pine Tree State is a fine place to live and raise a family, it is also a great location for making fun of the way people talk.

I am of the firm belief that I am the only resident of this beautiful land that speaks like The Almighty His Own Self. For instance, take Down East Maine or as I call it The Lower Right Hand Corner of Maine. It is this region of the state that Mainers say stuff like, "Pahk the cah in the doah yahd and come on ovah heah and have some lobstah and buttah this Satdy." 

I think it is very unlikely that The Creator would speak in such a manner. I am positive that when God texted the content of the Bible to the Joos, that he explicitly said "Y'all should...", "Y'all shouldn't..." and "if you sin I'll slap a knot on your head so tall you'll have to tiptoe to scratch it..." and stuff like that.

Google Translate's God Language to Language of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Moses, Jim Bob and Other Guys Who Wrote the Bible must have been in Beta at that time. Thus the linguistic discrepancies.

Other than being separated by a common language, Texans and Maineiacs have a lot of similarities.

For instance, a love of and a respect for guns.

And tattoos.

And gun tattoos.

Imagine If You Will

In the town of Norridgewock, which is not in Down East Maine, but if it was it would be pronounced "Nodgewahk", some guys were hired to trim some trees for a utility company.

This was a bit annoying to Michael Smith, what with all the buzzing and Harley-esque sounds emanating from all those Husqvarnas. He was awakened from a deep sleep by the commotion. It was after all the crack of 10:00 AM.

To be fair to Michael, he works the night shift so being woke up by all this tree-cutting bullshit at 10AM is pretty damned early to him.

Anyway, Michael is now awake.

And he is pissed off.

So he goes outside and i a rather firm tone says to the Tree Cutting Guys, "Would you chaps be so kind as to refrain from raising any further ruckus whilst I am in a sonambular state?" 

Michael didn't really say that.

While I am not 100% certain as to what Michael did say, I am probably not too far off when I speculate that Mike's words to the Tree Cutting Guys was something along the lines of, "What the hell are you cocksuckers doing? I worked all fucking night long and am trying to get some motherfucking sleep here!"

It was at this precise moment that the Tree Cutting Guys noticed the gun tucked in Michael's waistband.

Police were called, assault rifles were drawn and much calamity ensued.

This is what the Tree Cutting Guys saw when Michael came outside to chastise them:

The gun is a tattoo!



Saturday, October 25, 2014

Sign: Dumbass Health Care Alert! Get Your Flu Shots (of Vodka, Tequila & Whiskey!)

Use as needed for attacks of sobriety.....


***Hat Tip to @Swedish Canary on Twiiter via @LonelyJackalope*** 

Dumbass Signs & Stuff!

Best of Dumbass News

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind,
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?
~Five Man Electrical Band~

Earth first!

True Romance.

Eat moar chikkin.

Search Terms.

Dicking Around.

Rammin' Noodles.

Rammin' Noodles Served Here.

Suck One Down.

No Roaming Charges.

I'm Not as Drunk as Some Thinkle Peep.

No Shit.

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