Best of Dumbass News
I am a Texan.
I am also a Foreigner.
Or as Mainers are prone to say, I am "from away".
Away from what, I don't know, but they say that a lot about non-native Mainerds.
Except for people from the state in which Boston is located. Residents of this area are commonly referred to as "Mass-holes". With good reason.
While the Pine Tree State is a fine place to live and raise a family, it is also a great location for making fun of the way people talk.
I am of the firm belief that I am the only resident of this beautiful land that speaks like The Almighty His Own Self. For instance, take Down East Maine or as I call it The Lower Right Hand Corner of Maine. It is this region of the state that Mainers say stuff like, "Pahk the cah in the doah yahd and come on ovah heah and have some lobstah and buttah this Satdy."
I think it is very unlikely that The Creator would speak in such a manner. I am positive that when God texted the content of the Bible to the Joos, that he explicitly said "Y'all should...", "Y'all shouldn't..." and "if you sin I'll slap a knot on your head so tall you'll have to tiptoe to scratch it..." and stuff like that.
Google Translate's God Language to Language of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Moses, Jim Bob and Other Guys Who Wrote the Bible must have been in Beta at that time. Thus the linguistic discrepancies.
Other than being separated by a common language, Texans and Maineiacs have a lot of similarities.
For instance, a love of and a respect for guns.
And gun tattoos.
Imagine If You Will
In the town of Norridgewock, which is not in Down East Maine, but if it was it would be pronounced "Nodgewahk", some guys were hired to trim some trees for a utility company.
This was a bit annoying to Michael Smith, what with all the buzzing and Harley-esque sounds emanating from all those Husqvarnas. He was awakened from a deep sleep by the commotion. It was after all the crack of 10:00 AM.
To be fair to Michael, he works the night shift so being woke up by all this tree-cutting bullshit at 10AM is pretty damned early to him.
Anyway, Michael is now awake.
And he is pissed off.
So he goes outside and i a rather firm tone says to the Tree Cutting Guys, "Would you chaps be so kind as to refrain from raising any further ruckus whilst I am in a sonambular state?"
Michael didn't really say that.
While I am not 100% certain as to what Michael did say, I am probably not too far off when I speculate that Mike's words to the Tree Cutting Guys was something along the lines of, "What the hell are you cocksuckers doing? I worked all fucking night long and am trying to get some motherfucking sleep here!"
It was at this precise moment that the Tree Cutting Guys noticed the gun tucked in Michael's waistband.
Police were called, assault rifles were drawn and much calamity ensued.
This is what the Tree Cutting Guys saw when Michael came outside to chastise them:
The gun is a tattoo!