Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: A Decade As a Dumbass Family: 10 Years With Mrs. Fearless Leader! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, November 21, 2014

A Decade As a Dumbass Family: 10 Years With Mrs. Fearless Leader!

Ten Years Ago Today:

  • I had just moved from Tyler,Texas to Central City, Colorado.
  • I made a phone call that changed the course of my life.
  • During that phone call the tread on my hiking boots got caught on a very small step on the front porch sidewalk.
  • I fell on my ass.
  • And kept falling for twelve steps and about 8 verticle feet.
  • I broke my elbow in five places.
  • I bled like a stuck cabrito (goat) at a Meskin BBQ.
  • I threw the phone.
  • It landed in the street which was another 8 verticle feet and twelve more steps lower than where I landed once I stopped tumbling.
  • About twenty-five yards away from me.
  • In two different pieces in two different directions!
  • That phone still works.
  • The Young Lady On the Other End of the Line thought I had hung up on her.
  • No, I was bleeding to Death with five extra pieces in my left elbow.
  • The Young Lady On the Other End of the Line is now my wife.
The 10 Year Journey

Here's an long excerpt from a story I wrote a while back that further explains things. 

I came here on a whim, unannounced, and my life changed forever - for the first time I laid my eyes on Heather and Issy in real life.

Back Story: I first got to know Heather in an AOL Chat Room back in 2004. (Don't laugh yet!) All I knew about her was that she was a single Mom with a then almost-two-year-old Baby Girl, Isabella. I noticed in that Chat Room that Heather was not, shall we say "shy". I liked that.

Long story short, we got to be buddies, then very good friends. The It happened. On November 21, 2004, I made The Phone Call that would lead me to The Top Right Hand Corner of the United States. 

I was expecting this to be a visit of a week or two, then back to Colorado where I was living at the time.

It didn't quite work out that way.

Heather now calls me her Husband, Issy is now 12 years old and calls me "Daddy". And just for good measure, Heather and I made a baby together. That baby, Bailey, is now 7 years old.

Below is an old story I wrote a few years ago, so some of the numbers will have changed, but the story itself remains the same.                  
Heather in 50 Years

And it has a happy ending.

The Down Low

As I said, I accompanied my wife shopping today.

All. Day. Long.

The women reading this will say, "You deserve it, you son of a motherless goat". And that's one of the nicer things they say. The men are thinking, "You poor sumbitch, you should have stayed single." Then, drink heavily, they begin thinking of the day that they too will be in my position....married. With young children (7 & 12; both girls). And like me, 58 years old. Now who's the poor sumbitch boys? You have all this to look forward too. Poor sumbitches. bwahahaha!

The Real Reason for This Post

Today is my wife's birthday.

She is 38 years old, 19 years younger than me. Even though I'm so much older than she is, she's too old for me. I'd rather have two eighteen year old Swedish Bikini Team Members as "wives". Preferably lesbians. After all, 18 + 18= 36. And the lesbian part is a YouTube sensation waiting to happen. So the shit works out right.

On the real side though, my wife is a good woman, a great wife and Mother, outstanding cook and she's the shiznit in the sack. However, I just can't get over that Swedish Bikini Team thing up there ^^^^^. But, I digress.

In spite of all these outstanding qualities my wife, Heather, possesses, God bless her, she ain't the biggest catfish on the trot line, IYKWIMAITYD. (Yankees and Californians may want to Google the term "trot line". No, it's not pornographic you asswipes.)

Here's an example of how, shall we say, slow my wife is. No, let's not say "slow", let's say "Dumbass". One time I told her that I wanted to watch Monday Night Football. She asked me what night it was on! See? Then there was the time several years ago that I needed to get hammered. She brought me a ball peen hammer jobby. Even though Heather is a Dumbass, she has put up with me for the last ten years, which further proves my point! If the poor woman had dynamite for brains, she couldn't blow her nose. Capice?

On the Real Side

I love Heather very much.

She's stood by me when I thought even God had had enough of me. And believe you me, that's quite a job right there. She has given me two beautiful, smart, healthy little girls. She has, over the last ten years, filled a void in my life and a hole in my heart that I never expected to be filled. She has loved me when I didn't come close to deserving it more times than I can count. In spite of the fact that I am 2000 miles from my beloved Texas, Maine is now my home and I'll probably spend the rest of my life here. And I shall do so without reservation. The reason for that is simple. Her name is Heather. Without her I wouldn't be the Dumbass I am today.

I love you Heather.

Dumbass. :)


  1. AWWW!! I LOVE this post! And not because my name is Heather!! ;) You two are so awesome! I wrote an entire blog post about how my husband is a whore! Now see....he is not the typical type of whore you are probably thinking...but a whore non the less! Only because he will not stop using the damn cruise control EVERY single time we get in the car!!! -_- So, ...I get it....When someone owns your heart,...even through tough times and adversity, find a way. Because you Love them!! And I can see the love that you two have for each other! Plus you guys are so stinken cute together!!

    Happy 10 years Toby and Heather! <3

    1. How nice!

      Thanks, Vag!

      We think the world of you also.

      And what's wrong with using the Cruise Control?

    2. This will explain everything my friend!!! ;) ;)

    3. After reading that post, I am further entrenched on Mr. Vag's side...

  2. Congrats and Happy Anniversary to you both!! So glad to hear this and I wish many happy returns of the day to you!

    1. Teri....your kind words mean a lot to us. Thank you very much.


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