Just when I feel good about the future of the United States.......
I mean Barack Obama is mandated by the Constitution to leave office on January 20, 2017.
Even though America's disastrous experiment with Socialism, i.e., Soft Dick Tater Ship and RINOS Without Nut Sacks, will mercifully come to an end, even what will be the Second Most Important Day in American History can not buoy my spirits when I think of what lies ahead for our country.
The direction of The Fruited Plain will be steered by the hands of young people like Nicholas Wig of St. Paul, Minnysoda.
Allow me to elucidate.
Nick was going about his normal daily bidness of planning to commit a felony when he came upon James Wood's house.
Nick soon discovered that Mr. Wood was not at home.
So Nick thinks to himself, "Egads! Nobody's home at this fine abode, what a most opportune time to perform an act of burglary in which to enrich my personal financial portfolio!"
Actually, Nick really didn't think that. He really thought, "Holy shit! This stoopid motherfucker ain't at the crib so now I'm gonna break in and steal some shit so I can fence it and use the cheese to buy some crack cocaine from some local shitbag drug dealer!"
So Nick burgled his way into Mr. Wood's home and stole some credit cards, cash, a watch and shit.
While inside the house, Nick noticed a computer. As is the custom with Stoopid as Fuck Minnysoda Dumbasses, Nick signed in to his Facebook profile right in the middle of the burglary!
Now, this is all well and good and prolly would have gone unnoticed except for one teensy weensy detail - Nick did not sign out of his Facebook account!
He also left behind some wet clothes during the commission of his crime. I think that leaving behind wet clothes as evidence at a crime scene is also a Stoopid as Fuck Minnysoda Dumbass Tradition, but I could be wrong about that - although that is highly unlikely. I have been to Minnysoda and have personally encountered several Stoopid as Fuck Minnysoda Dumbasses. Therefore, I can tell you from first hand experience that one of these idjits leaving behind wet clothes at the scene of their criminal hijinks is well within the Realm of Statistical Probability and Likelihood.
Anyway....Mr. Wood comes home to find out his home had been broken into and a lot of stuff was missing. He also noticed that Nick had left his Facebook profile open on Mr. W's computer!
Long story short, Mr. Wood contacted Nick through Facebook, set up a meeting at which Nick was gonna pick up the clothes he left behind after he ripped Mr. Wood off.
This meeting ended up not being in Nick's best interest.
He lost his clothes, his dignity (as if he had any to begin with) and his Freedom.
But Nick did gain two noteworthy things from this fiasco:
- A place to sleep, get three square meals a day and the meaning of "prison bitch".
- But more importantly, a place in the Stoopidest Criminals in the History of the World Hall of Shame.
*** Hat Tip: HuffPo ***