Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Holiday Hatin': It's Ain't Christmas Yet, Dumbasses!
I like Christmas.
I really do.
By that I mean I like the Holiday and meaning of Christmas, just not all the shit that comes with it.
I do not like Christmas crammed down my throat.
Mrs. Fearless Leader is a BIG TIME Christmas Person.
She starts talking about next Christmas the day after this Christmas.
That's all well and good.
This Friday (11/21) I will have been The Gas Bubble In Mrs. Fearless Leader's Lower Intestine for ten years. I guess that makes me a Decade Long Fart-In-Waiting. This fact, by default, means that she can "cram Christmas down my throat" 365 days a year. Or I can suffer the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" for 365 days a year. NOTE: "Slings and arrows of outrageous fortune = Mrs. FL will routinely, convincingly and with a great deal of vim and vigor beat me about the head and shoulders and upper extremities of my body." For 365 straight days.
Under the threat of continuous bodily harm, and because I love my wife, I readily extend this courtesy to her.
Hey, I am a Dumbass, not a fool.
That said, despite my deep-rooted belief in our capitalist system, I draw the line at retailers who do stoopid shit like, oh, I don't know, start setting out Christmas merchandise before Halloween!
This really frosts my gonads. And you have never seen pissed off until you' seen a Redneck with frosted gonads.
Don't even get me started on Christmas programming on TV. The Hallmark Channel has been airing Yuletide movies for almost two weeks already! It's kind of like watching Jerry Springer - same story over and over and over again, just with different Stoopid Fucks each time.
It's not Christmas yet!
***Dedicated to My Buddy Phil, Regular Guy NYC, Lover of Christmas, Hater of All That Other Shit***