Before I even get started on today's Detour into Dumbassery, I will WARN you that what you are about to read is NSFW!
Here at Dumbass News we ain't skeered to delve into some of the most bizarre news stories on the internet. In other words, we willingly and unashamedly dive head first into the slime. Today is no exception.
Let the Triple Lindys begin!
When you see those two words (Freak City), what town do you think of? San Francisco? Las Vegas? Davenport, Iowa? Davenport, Iowa??!! Freak City? Yup.
Allow me to elucidate.
|Friend of the Foot Long|
New Meaning to Breaking & "Entering"
The Scene: 4:10 AM. Jose Perales (all 5'11", 325 lbs. of him) breaks into Dr. John's Lingerie Store and samples the merchandise.
The following mental image can not be un-seen!
Then, in what will surely repulse Dr. John's staffers, Perales walked into the manager’s office, removed his clothes, opened some of the merchandise, and “began to please himself anally on the manager’s desk and futon/couch.”
The burglar “then walked out of the office naked showing the large tattoo on his back. The tattoo read “PERALES” in Old English lettering.” The distinctive ink helped cops eventually identify Perales.
During his time inside the store, “Perales proceeded to try on female lingerie and experiment with sex toys for approximately two hours,” the complaint notes. When he departed Dr. John's he was “wearing a dress and blond wig belonging to the business.” He also left with a bag “containing various items belonging to the business.”
Inquiring Minds Want to Know
- What. The. Fuck.
- This will be not be in the Davenport Camber of Commerce's next Reasons to Visit Davenport brochure.
- Does Jose look pretty in pink?
- When Jose speaks of a "foot long", I am certain he does not mean a hot dog.
- When Jose speaks of a "foot long", I am certain that he does mean a 12 inch plastic weenie.
- Jose experimented with sex toys for two hours? Really?
- I bet you could park a Mack Truck in Jose's hiney.
- Jose will become known as "Ho -zay" in the Iowa State Penitentiary, where "foot longs" are the rule rather than the exception.
- San Francisco has lost a fat gay guy named Jose.
- I feel the need to projectile puke.