Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: December 2014 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Dumbass New Years Eve Designated Driver's SobrietyTest!

Test given at January 1, 2015, 12:01 A.M.


Bring On the Dummy Awards! "Best Use of an Ass" for 2014!

5th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards for 2014!

The Dummy Award

I've got one.

You've got one.

All God's chillun got an ass.

Most of us use our asses for the Good of Mankind - sitting, farting and of course twerking.

Others, however, use their asses for the Forces of Evil and Not Niceness.

Our nominees for the Dummy in the Best Use of an Ass of the Year category reveal this Horde of Horrendous Hineys.

Amoral Asses
  • Second Hand Ass Sucking GuyOne way people use their asses is to avoid the consequences of their illegal actions. For instance, if you have been out for a night of non-stop funneling tequila down your gullet, you may find that sucking Second Hand Ass is a mighty fine method of evading one of those pesky DUIs. Or not.
  • Bomb Up the Ass Chinese Guy - I used to fly a lot. And boy did my arms get tired! Rimshot! But seriously, folks...back when I used to regularly travel by plane, I remember signs in airports around the country stating that off-hand remarks or jokes about hijacking an aircraft were taken very seriously. This was years before 9-11-2001, so I can only imagine what airport security must be like these days. Especially at an airport in China. It is for this reason that I highly recommend that when in any airline terminal in a Chinese city that you not very LOUDLY announce that you have a bomb stuffed up your keister. No matter how long the check-in line may be.
  • Pistol Up the Poop Chute Guy - If you ever get arrested and hauled off to the Crossbar Hilton, it would behoove you to keep in mind that the local constabulary have very little tolerance for those who try to smuggle in contraband like narcotics, pornography or a Glock 9mm buried in your bung hole.
And the winner of the Best Use of an Ass for 2014 is.....

Bomb Up the Ass Chinese Guy!!!!!!!!!!

It takes an extremely LARGE set of won-tons (and brain the size of a B B) to willingly shout that you have Exploding Ass Syndrome while standing in the middle of a Chinese airport.

Unless of course you have just eaten the chili at Dennys.

That said, it is imperative that you report this fact to the Chinaman Airport Gestapo.

Ahead of time.


Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Vulgar? Me? Damn Straight!

I'm a Bad Boy.....



Prelude to the Dumbass of the Year Awards!

As you Dumbasses review The Dummies from last year, I'll be busily researching, evaluating and ranking the candidates for the 5th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards for 2014!

As usual, we have an exemplary group of nominees for this year. And by "exemplary group of nominees" I of course mean "a shit load of stoopid fucks who have the collective I.Q. of a Siberian yak's rectum". 

For you New Dumbasses, this look back in time will allow you familiarize yourself with the last year's Dummy Award recipients. For Longtime Dumbasses, this is a chance for you question your judgement and character as to why you still read this shit.

We'll announce the "winners" of this year's Dummies beginning tomorrow, so be sure to tell everyone you know to join us for all the stoopididity (!) - especially if you hate them and want their brain to feel as if someone had rammed a white-hot fireplace poker in one ear and out the other.

From Last Year

Today is The BIG Day!
ave the collective I.Q.In just a few dozen short words, we will announce the winner of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award!

I know that you have been waiting with bated breath for The Big One. 

Sadly, your breath smells like it's been baited with sun-dried aardvark liver.

But first....this brief interlude...

2013 delivered us a Deluge of Dumbassery.

This Stash of Stoopididity served up a surplus of silliness.

OK, OK....I'll aggressively abstain from any more alliteration.


A lot of good shit came down the Dumbass Drainage Ditch (alliteration!) in the 2-0 to the 1-3.

A Review of The Dummies So Far

Let us recount some of the more, shall we say "Memorable" Moments of Madness that oozed from the news like pus from a rancid boil on Michael Moore's ample swamp donkey sweaty ass.
The Nominees for The 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award!
And the winner of The 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award! is.......from the David Carradine This Is How I Get My Jollies Division - The Fork in the Penis Sex Game Guy!

Who saw that coming?

We have seen a LOT of crazy shit over the last three-plus years of writing Dumbass News, including Port-O-Potty Doo Doo Diversbut we have never, and I mean NEVER, had a story as sick, twisted, demented, are-you-fucking-kidding-me stoopid as this one.

By the way, fork purchases amongst the male members of The Dumbass Horde skyrocketed the day this story was published.

I'm just sayin'.

See you in December for the 5th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards!

Gawd help us all.


Sunday, December 28, 2014

Dumbass Rehab: Recovery Program Step 1

The First Step......


Dumbass Travel: Stoopid Motel Signs!

Best of Dumbass News

I thought today would be a nice time to look back at the hotel/motel signs seen by millions of Americans as they traversed the length and breadth of the Fruited Plain over the last year.

By "signs seen by millions of Americans as they traversed the length and breadth of the Fruited Plain over the last few months" I of course mean that I shamelessly stole from the Internet.

What Reason Might that Be?

I Always Look For "Refreshing Poo" When I Travel

So Do Imainary Hookers

Fook Town?

Halfway? Try Harder.

For Those Who Don't Pay.

My Invitation Must Have Gotten Lost in the Mail.

Extramarital Stoopid.

Planning Ahead.

AKA "Grand Slam" Breakfast.


Saturday, December 27, 2014

Dumbass Photo of the Day: Tupperware for Men

Redneck Storage Container.....


Crazy Bitch: "You Take My Ring, I Take Your Nuts!"

Best of Dumbass News

Oh, boy!

This is a good one.

Warning for Men: If your stomach turns or you experience extreme pain from mental images of gazebos (testicles, nuts, balls, family jewels)  being squished like rotten tomatoes, read no further!

Singing Soprano

This man and woman down in the F-L-A had decided to get a divorce, which in and of itself is not a pleasant experience.

Trust me one this one.

The guy thought it would be a good idea if he hid a ring he had given his wife.

So he did.

The soon-to-be ex-wife took exception to his actions.

And by "took exception" I mean she put the Death Squeeze on his left gazebo.

You guys breathe in, breathe out, this is only a story. Ladies, wipe the damned smile off your faces now. Sadistic broads. Or ex-wives. But I repeat myself.

The woman also pulled a knife on the man and his left gazebo, threatening to kill him and use his gazebo as a foosball in a gay bar. This chick means business. If I were in this position, I'd be drawing
Psycho Bitch From the Depths of Hades Nut Sack Removal Tool
the bitch a detailed map to the fucking ring.

Did I mention that this ring is worth 15 large? For you non-criminal types, as if there's some non-criminal types who read this blog (Ha!), that's $15,000.

Here's another thing about this deal. If one of my gazebos is literally in hand of a Psycho Bitch from  the Depths of Hades, I am thinking, and thinking very quickly mind you, "Ring or gazebo? Ring or gazebo?"

The Gazebo Has Been Set Free

I have no idea how, but the guy managed to talk the Psycho Bitch from the Depths of Hades into letting go of his gazebos. This whole pitiful ordeal took about two minutes to take place, but I can assure you that it seemed like two weeks to the gazebo grabee.

The cops finally arrived and arrested the woman for Assault with a Deadly Weapon and Abuse of a Gazebo with Intent to Lower the Sperm Count. A police spokesman specializing in Crimes Against Gazebos, then told the press that the woman had taken unauthorized pictures of a gazebo with red marks and bruises evident in the photo. That's just wrong.

When last heard from, the man was doing a Tribute to Michael Jackson, The Early Years tour around the country and the woman was in a gazebo abuse rehab group. Can you imagine the start of on of these meetings? Hi, I'm (insert Psycho Bitch from the Depths of Hades' name here) and I am a gazebo-a-holic.

I guess the old adage is true...a gazebo in the hand is worth two in the bush.


Friday, December 26, 2014

Dumbass Cartoon of the Day: Dad's Plan to Rid the World of Saggy Pants!

The Power of Persuasion.....


***Hat Tip to Kim H., Class of 1975, Nimitz High School, Irving, Texas***

Time's A-Wastin'! Dumbass of the Year Nominations Will Close Soon!

You have until 11:59 PM next Tuesday, December 30, 2014, to get in your nominations for 5th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards! Read on to find out what to do so your Favorite Dumbass receives the total humiliation and degradation he or she so richly deserves!


It's almost that time again!

The 5th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards are just a few weeks away!

Now don't confuse The Dummies with those Fake Ass Bullshit Hollywood Commie Pussy Awards like the Oscars or the Emmys. We don't play that yak poop here at Dumbass News.  We deal in reality. 

Spoiler Alert: All that stoopid shit you see at the movie theater or on TV is made up! While I realize that many of you Dumbasses are too drunk or stoned to connect with what is in the vernacular called "real life", I hate to break it to you that Hollywood deals in fantasy. 

Think about it for a minute, is anybody in LaLa Land creative enough to come with a story about a Dillweed that crams a supper fork up his pee hole? Hell. To. The No.


Over the last year alone, The Dumbass Horde has grown by over one million Dumbasses. It therefore stands to reason that thousands of our New Dumbasses are not familiar with the Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards, so let me splain.

The Dummies Splained

In some ways, The Dummies are like those fake pussified awards like the Oscars or Grammys. We'll have several categories of Dummies in which there will be a few nominees for each one and each category will have a winner. (You have no idea how difficult it is to write "winner" and "Dummies" in the same sentence.) We'll slog our way through the various groups, name a winner (there's that word again) and work our way up to the biggie, the 5th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award.

The similarities end there.

Unlike Hollywood or the music industry, The Dummies recognize the "achievements" of real people, Dumbasses like you and me. We don't go for all that fakery and Liberal weenie, touchy-feely, made up bullshit you'll find in the movies or the cop-killing, racist, bitches and hoes crap in today's music.
We settle for nothing less than World Class Dumbassery.

Nominate Your Favorite Dumbass!

This is where you come in.

I am about to ask you to do something that ain't easy. Well, it's easier than rolling a joint with mittens on, but it ain't easy none the less. I want you to pick out your favorite Dumbass Story from 2014! Even if it's a Best of Dumbass News ( a "rerun" as it were) story. For these kinds of stories I am gonna add a new category of the Dummies for 2014 - The  Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Lifetime Achievement Award!

Leave your nomination for the 5th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards in the comments, or if you'd rather spare yourself the embarrassment of publicly acknowledging that read this drivel, shoot me an email with your choice to realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. 

Find your favorite by sifting through the Dumbass News archives by using the "Search" box in the right hand sidebar or simply give me a hint in the comments about which story you'd like nominated and I'll look it up myself.

As you can see, there's a lot at stake here, so make your voice heard!


Dumbass Classified Ads Redux

Best of Dumbass News

A few years ago, I started a feature  on Dumbass News called Dumbass Newspaper Headlines. DNH was so popular that I decided to make them a regular part of the blog.

Last night I was considering writing a new post of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines, when all of the sudden I thought about a little blurb I saw in a small town Texas newspaper about twenty years ago. This long ago and faraway memory got me to thinking that newspapers have some pretty damn funny stuff in them besides the stoopid headlines. Of course, there's the occasional typo that completely alters the intended meaning of a sentence, but there is also another very important part of a newspaper that can provide an unintentional belly laugh - the classified ads!

With this in mind, I used my Fearless Leader Google Fu and came upon some damn funny classifieds floating around the ether.


So, Fellow Dumbasses, without further ado, I present to you the Very First Edition of Dumbass Newspaper Classified Ads!

Keep in mind that these are actual ads run in actual newspapers all across the country.

The Ads

Dammit! I was looking for a used tombstone that said"Smith".

Winter time can be awful lonely in Boise.

I want some of what this guy's smokin'.

Well that narrows down the search!

Throw in a young stripper and it's a deal.

Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.

Just in case you are ever chased by a dog in a foreign country. Or a foreign dog for that matter.

That's the Christmas Spirit!

This must be an ad for Bud's Medical Center.
And last but not least...

Wanna go shopping, Ladies?


***Special Thanks to & for the Ads!***

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Dumbass News & NORAD Track Santa's Journey!

It has come to my attention that many of you Dumbasses have Little Dumbasses running all around your double wide.

I am the father of four Little Dumbasses myself.

Fortunately, two of my Dumbass Offspring are grown men and are themselves fathers of their own tribes of Little Dumbasses. I do, however, still have my two daughters (7 & 12) residing with me and Mrs. Fearless Leader at The Dumbass News World Headquarters located on the grounds of the Kennebec County Feral Moose Reserve and Guaranteed Gizzard Warmin' Moonshine Distillery and Gift Shop.

One of the traditions we have followed during my second stint as a Dad is to track Santa's 'round the world voyage as he delivers loot to Little Dumbasses in every country (and New Jersey) on the planet.

Guess what?

Through the auspices of NORAD, a gubmint agency whose acronym means "We Do Top Secret Shit and Would Have to Kill You If You Found Out What It Is", Dumbasss and Non-Dumbasses alike can keep tabs on Santa and his reindeer too!

Round up the younguns and simply click here for minutes and minutes of Dumbass Family Christmas Fun!

Merry Christmas!


Dumbass Christmas Tradition: Get Drunk & Throw a Christmas Tree at Mom!

Dumbass News World HQ Christmas Tree

Best of Dumbass News

I have read some nice stories about people all over the country having such a wonderful Christmas with their families. Include my family on that list. The Terrero family in West Hartford, Connecticut had a very memorable Christmas, especially 19 year old Francheska. It was a typical Christmas Eve at the Terrero house until Francheska got into the Christmas "spirits".

The story doesn't say what prompted Francheska's outburst, other than the fact that she was bombed, but she must have been in holiday frame of mind because she picked up the family Christmas tree and threw it at her parents! Assuming that 'Terrero" is an Eye-talian name, I thought throwing Christmas trees at one's parents might be some sort of weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition. So, being a Professional Internet Blogging Sensation and 10th Degree Black Belt in Google Fu, I went to the best source of Weird Eye-talian Christmas Traditions that I could find. My wife, who is Eye-talian. When I asked her about Christmas Tree Throwing as an Eye-talian tradition, she says to me, "Are you drunk?". I took that as a "no".

Anyway, Francheska got smashed on Christmas Eve and threw a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her Mom and Dad. Mom called 911 and reported a 10-86, which in Police 10-code terminology means "drunk daughter throws a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her parents". As Mom was on the phone with the cops, Frankie yanked the phone out her hand and threw that too at her father! I know for a fact that phone throwing on Christmas Eve is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, but it is a weird Christmas tradition for drunk Hungarians. But I digress.

So the heat (cops) show up at the Terrero home and notice that Francheska is FUBAR'ed and that the Christmas tree had been "relocated" and it was surrounded by some shattered ornaments. The police then explain to Francheska that even though Christmas tree throwing is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, it is against the law, especially if you throw the tree at another person. Frankie was charged with disorderly conduct, assault and interfering with a 911 call, not to mention throwing fully decorated Christmas trees at your parents while shit faced without a permit. OK, I made that last charge up.

Francheska was hauled off to jail, Mom and Dad were treated for minor injuries and the Christmas tree suffers from PTSD, so all things considered, everything turned out for the best. And we can all be thankful that it wasn't Thanksgiving and Francheska got hammered and threw a bowl of giblets at her parents. Or is that a weird Eye-talian Thanksgiving Tradition that I am unaware of ? I'll have to ask my Eye-talian wife about that one. Hopefully, she won't notice that I'm drunk.  :)

Merry Christmas!


(hat tip to Heather)

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Bad Santa: Jolly Old Elf as Never Seen Before!

Jingle Bell Crock! 

Add caption

You're Fired!

Crack Kills.

A Lump of Coal Would Have Sufficed.

Bleak Friday.

Santa's "Bag".


Stocking Stuffer.


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