|The Dummy Award|
I've got one.
You've got one.
All God's chillun got an ass.
Most of us use our asses for the Good of Mankind - sitting, farting and of course twerking.
Others, however, use their asses for the Forces of Evil and Not Niceness.
Our nominees for the Dummy in the Best Use of an Ass of the Year category reveal this Horde of Horrendous Hineys.
- Second Hand Ass Sucking Guy - One way people use their asses is to avoid the consequences of their illegal actions. For instance, if you have been out for a night of non-stop funneling tequila down your gullet, you may find that sucking Second Hand Ass is a mighty fine method of evading one of those pesky DUIs. Or not.
- Bomb Up the Ass Chinese Guy - I used to fly a lot. And boy did my arms get tired! Rimshot! But seriously, folks...back when I used to regularly travel by plane, I remember signs in airports around the country stating that off-hand remarks or jokes about hijacking an aircraft were taken very seriously. This was years before 9-11-2001, so I can only imagine what airport security must be like these days. Especially at an airport in China. It is for this reason that I highly recommend that when in any airline terminal in a Chinese city that you not very LOUDLY announce that you have a bomb stuffed up your keister. No matter how long the check-in line may be.
- Pistol Up the Poop Chute Guy - If you ever get arrested and hauled off to the Crossbar Hilton, it would behoove you to keep in mind that the local constabulary have very little tolerance for those who try to smuggle in contraband like narcotics, pornography or a Glock 9mm buried in your bung hole.
Bomb Up the Ass Chinese Guy!!!!!!!!!!
It takes an extremely LARGE set of won-tons (and brain the size of a B B) to willingly shout that you have Exploding Ass Syndrome while standing in the middle of a Chinese airport.
Unless of course you have just eaten the chili at Dennys.
That said, it is imperative that you report this fact to the Chinaman Airport Gestapo.
Ahead of time.