As usual, we have an exemplary group of nominees for this year. And by "exemplary group of nominees" I of course mean "a shit load of stoopid fucks who have the collective I.Q. of a Siberian yak's rectum".
For you New Dumbasses, this look back in time will allow you familiarize yourself with the last year's Dummy Award recipients. For Longtime Dumbasses, this is a chance for you question your judgement and character as to why you still read this shit.
We'll announce the "winners" of this year's Dummies beginning tomorrow, so be sure to tell everyone you know to join us for all the stoopididity (!) - especially if you hate them and want their brain to feel as if someone had rammed a white-hot fireplace poker in one ear and out the other.
From Last Year
Today is The BIG Day!
ave the collective I.Q.In just a few dozen short words, we will announce the winner of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award!
I know that you have been waiting with bated breath for The Big One.
But first....this brief interlude...
2013 delivered us a Deluge of Dumbassery.
This Stash of Stoopididity served up a surplus of silliness.
OK, OK....I'll aggressively abstain from any more alliteration.
A lot of good shit came down the Dumbass Drainage Ditch (alliteration!) in the 2-0 to the 1-3.
A Review of The Dummies So Far
Let us recount some of the more, shall we say "Memorable" Moments of Madness that oozed from the news like pus from a rancid boil on Michael Moore's ample swamp donkey sweaty ass.
- Flaming Dumbass Award
- Dumbass Felon of the Year
- Most Romantic Dumbass of 2013
- Best Dumbass Newspaper Headline of 2013
- Dumbass Family Demolition Derby at the Cemetery - When it comes to remembering The Dearly Departed, nothing says "paying respect to the dead" like a monster truck-like rampage in the graveyard!
- The Old Fork in the Penis Sex Game! - Yep.
- Paying the Water Bill With Narcotics! - In this story, a Dumbass was simply trying to take advantage of the Acid for Agua Program at his City's Water Department.
- Guy Wins Eating Contest! And Promptly Keels Over Graveyard Dead! - In lieu of bringing food to the Wake, the Dead Guy's Family asks that you simply "fuck off".
- Feline Felony: Cat Box Chaos! - A Near Death Experience involving a dispute over cat shit.
Who saw that coming?
We have seen a LOT of crazy shit over the last three-plus years of writing Dumbass News, including Port-O-Potty Doo Doo Divers, but we have never, and I mean NEVER, had a story as sick, twisted, demented, are-you-fucking-kidding-me stoopid as this one.
By the way, fork purchases amongst the male members of The Dumbass Horde skyrocketed the day this story was published.
I'm just sayin'.
See you in December for the 5th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards!
Gawd help us all.