I used to play the Wednesday and Saturday Lotto games in Texas every week. At a buck a ticket, why not?
Two dollars is a small price to pay for a Life of Luxury, Leisure and Financial Security, right?
While we didn't have the Super Mega Bucks Rich Ass Lotto game back home in Texas the last time I lived there, the Texas Lotto jackpot would regularly reach into the $30 - $40 million range. Two buck for a chance at that much cheese? I'm fucking all in, Dude.
However, $30 or $40 million ain't shit.
Some of the Mega Bucks Rich Out the Ass Lotto jackpots have recently have been in the half billion dollar neighborhood.
That's. Five. Hundred. Million. Samolians.
Of course the odds of winning a payout like that are about the same as Michael Moore schtooping Jessica Alba.
Anyway, with 500 Extremely Big Ones, I'd buy lots of land, build houses for my family, buy cars, travel like a boss, make some substantial charitable donations...the usual stuff.
I'm sure my wife would allow me to start drinking again. If I chose to drink myself to death, she'd have 500 million reasons not complain about it.
Besides, with all that loot, she could travel the Globe and would never have to step foot on Dumbass Dome property.
Whether I am dead or alive.
The shit works out right.
Drunk, Stoopid & German
Alcohol-fueled Dumbassery is not an unknown commodity at the Dumbass News World Headqurters.
Most Drunk Dumbasses get hammered then do something fairly innocuous.
Like "get some' while behind the wheel of an automobile.
Or smack a cop upside the skull with a dildo.
Perhaps even get trashed and take a ride on a bull dozer.
But never,and I mean absolutely never, in the 3+ year history of Dumbass News has anybody gotten blitzkrieged enough to flush five hundred thousand dollars down the toilet!
Some Kraut Frau (that's "German Broad" for all you Yoopers out there) recently hit the lottery for over a half million Deutsch Marks, or $550,000 U.S.
A nursing home that been caring for Frau Stoopidheimer's husband caught wind of her little windfall.
How dare they!
Infuriated Frau Dingleberryhoffer went off her weinerschitzel and quickly sucked down five bottles of champagne!
It is my Considered Former Professioanl Drinker Opinion that being plastered on Cheap German Champagne is not conducive to sound, rational decision making.
In support of this argument I present to you incontrovertible evidence: Frau Schnokkeredpuss tore up the lottery ticket worth a half million dollars!
Not only that, Frau Schmidtfaced flushed it down the fucking toilet!
There are a few Valuable Lessons to be gleaned from this woeful Tale of Champagne Drunkenness on a Beer Budget.
- Flying into a rage of this magnitude is unhealthy.
- And stoopid.
- Going from the outhouse to the penthouse can happen at the most unexpected times.
- So can going from the penthouse back into the shitter.
- German lottery winners should refrain from getting schnitzelgrubbered until after cashing in on their good fortune.
- Place your Rags to Riches lottery-winning ticket in a safe place.
- Not in the Johan (that's German for "John")
- I think.
- Cheap Kraut Bubbly will end up making Frau Scheisekopf 's love tunnel very sore.
- Every time she recalls what she did with this small fortune she'll feel fucked all over again.
- And again.
***Hat tip to Mrs. Fearless Leader***