Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: January 2014 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, January 31, 2014

Lady Hits Lotto for $550,000; Gets Drunk; Flushes Ticket Down Toilet!

Do you play the lottery?

I used to play the Wednesday and Saturday Lotto games in Texas every week. At a buck a ticket, why not?

Two dollars is a small price to pay for a Life of Luxury, Leisure and Financial Security, right?

While we didn't have the Super Mega Bucks Rich Ass Lotto game back home in Texas the last time I lived there, the Texas Lotto jackpot would regularly reach into the $30 - $40 million range. Two buck for a chance at that much cheese? I'm fucking all in, Dude.

However, $30 or $40 million ain't shit.

Some of the Mega Bucks Rich Out the Ass Lotto jackpots have recently have been in the half billion dollar neighborhood.

That's. Five. Hundred. Million. Samolians.

Of course the odds of winning a payout like that are about the same as Michael Moore schtooping Jessica Alba.

Anyway, with 500 Extremely Big Ones, I'd buy lots of land, build houses for my family, buy cars, travel like a boss, make some substantial charitable donations...the usual stuff.

And party.

I'm sure my wife would allow me to start drinking again. If I chose to drink myself to death, she'd have 500 million reasons not complain about it.

Besides, with all that loot, she could travel the Globe and would never have to step foot on Dumbass Dome property.

Whether I am dead or alive.

See?

The shit works out right.

Drunk, Stoopid & German

Alcohol-fueled Dumbassery is not an unknown commodity at the Dumbass News World Headqurters.

Most Drunk Dumbasses get hammered then do something fairly innocuous.

Like "get some' while behind the wheel of an automobile. 


Or smack a cop upside the skull with a dildo.

Perhaps even get trashed and take a ride on a bull dozer

But never,and I mean absolutely never, in the 3+ year history of Dumbass News has anybody gotten blitzkrieged enough to flush five hundred thousand dollars down the toilet!

Some Kraut Frau (that's "German Broad" for all you Yoopers out there) recently hit the lottery for over a half million Deutsch Marks, or $550,000 U.S.

A nursing home that been caring for Frau Stoopidheimer's husband caught wind of her little windfall.


What happens next is completely unbelievable - the Volkswagens requested, nay demanded that Frau Autobahn compensate them for services rendered!

How dare they!

Infuriated Frau Dingleberryhoffer went off her weinerschitzel and quickly sucked down five bottles of champagne!

It is my Considered Former Professioanl Drinker Opinion that being plastered on Cheap German Champagne is not conducive to sound, rational decision making.

In support of this argument I present to you incontrovertible evidence: Frau Schnokkeredpuss tore up the lottery ticket worth a half million dollars! 

Not only that, Frau Schmidtfaced flushed it down the fucking toilet!

Valuable Lessons

There are a few Valuable Lessons to be gleaned from this woeful Tale of Champagne Drunkenness on a Beer Budget.

  • Flying into a rage of this magnitude is unhealthy.
  • And stoopid.
  • Going from the outhouse to the penthouse can happen at the most unexpected times.
  • So can going from the penthouse back into the shitter.
  • German lottery winners should refrain from getting schnitzelgrubbered until after cashing in on their good fortune.
  • Place your Rags to Riches lottery-winning ticket in a safe place.
  • Not in the Johan (that's German for "John")
  • I think.
  • Cheap Kraut Bubbly will end up making Frau Scheisekopf 's love tunnel very sore.
  • Every time she recalls what she did with this small fortune she'll feel fucked all over again.
  • And again.
  • Vagisil.
 Dummkopf.

Dumbass.

***Hat tip to Mrs. Fearless Leader***

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Face the Facts: Why Some Dumbasses Can't Get a Job!

My buddy Matt Vaughn in Texas is a Man of Uncommon Common Sense. 

He served his country in the United States Navy as a Corpsman (I think).

Matthew is also the brother of one of the best friends I ever had, Mark.

Side note: As I was typing that last sentence the was a knock on the door. Make that a POUNDING on the door. I thought it might be the Secret Service raiding the Dumbass Dome because I call Preznit Obutthurt the Dumbass in Chief. It was the UPS Guy delivering Scentsy inventory to Mrs. Fearless Leader. Obama is still a Dumbass. Take that, Secret Service!

About ten years ago Matt had a "pet" fish that he was going to flush. I stepped in and took custody of the Future Flushee. 

I named him Clyde.

Clyde and I traveled the Fruited Plain together - from Texas to Ohio back to Texas, finally landing in Colorado. And all points between.

I actually had a bond with that damned fish. We had a cool feeding ritual that involved strippers and Scientology. OK...I made up the part about strippers and Scientology. But if anybody could initiate a really cool fish-feeding ritual involving strippers, my money would be on the Scientologists.

Clyde and I did have a cool feeding deal though.  He'd come to the top of the water in his aquarium and damn near take his food right out of my fingers.

I marvel at the stoopidest stuff.

Plus, I was a Professional Drinker at the time.

Clyde was my buddy.

He died on Christmas Eve, 2004.

I miss Clyde.

Why Can't I Get a Job?

Matt Vaughn, who has brought several stories to my attention, sent me these photos of people not in the work force.

They don't have jobs not because bidnesses ain't hirin' or crummy economic policies emanating from our Federal Gubmint, but because they are Stoopid Fuckers! 

And the fact that they never took time to read the Dumbass News Job Hunting Guide.

I can't get a job because: (read caption under photo)...

I need a haircut.


I look like a pimp from an Indiana Jones Movie wearing this gold chain.


My Throat Comes Unzipped at the Most Unfortunate Times


I Grind My Teeth
I am Allergic to Magnets


I'm Horny


On a Job App, Under Dad's Name I Have to Write "Satan"


There's a Strict "No Snakes In Your Ears" Policy


I Keep Tripping Over My Lower Lip & Spilling the Super Size Fries


People Think My Nose Ring Is a Door Knocker


My Names is "Edward Scissornose"


I Was Giving the Boss a BJ and Then "It" Happened


Dumbasses.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The Sequel: Bug, Meet Windshield: Those Moments Just Before "Oh, Shit!"

Best of Dumbass News

Back!

Despite popular demand!

And death threats.

The Bugs, II


How YOU Doin'?

Gimme Three Steps!

That 2nd Gear is a Doozy!

Does This Vase Make My Ass Look Big?

No More Alpo! Ever! Bitch!

Dumbasses.

***Hat Tip to My Mom***

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Bug, Meet Windshield: Those Moments Just Before "Oh, Shit!"

Best of Dumbass News

Most of the time in life we are the windshield.

Then, without warning, we become the bug.

The Bugs

Look, Ma! No Hands!

Hey, Frank, Did You Bring the Soap?

Lunch

Wile E. Car-yote

Lunch Too

Head Over Heels
The Big Bang Theory

Dumbasses.

***Hat Tip to My Mom***

Monday, January 27, 2014

"He's Drunk!": The Loud Mouth Parrot, the Dumbass & the DUI Checkpoint!

I am a Former Professional Drinker.

I had a drinking problem.

Two hands, one mouth.

I have always been a Full Tilt Boogie, Damn the Torpedoes kind of guy.

I was this way when I was slammin' down Barley Pop as well. (ed. note - for the benefit of the Yoopers out there, Barley Pop is beer)

Drinking wasn't about getting buzzed.

It was about getting FUBARed - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.

And doing stoopid shit.

Nothing criminal, just dumb, silly stuff - dancing with the lampshade on your head kind of silly stuff.

I also had some of the Best Drinkin' Buddies a Dumbass Could Ever Have. They had my back and if I did something extra stoopid, their lips were sealed. 

What happened at The Dumbass Dome, stayed at The Dumbass Dome.

Then again, I never had a parrot as a member of my posse.

South of the Border 

An hombre down in Mexico is a fine example of a Professional Drinker, Meskin Division.

Guillermo Reyes, Meskin Professional Drinker, went out on the town one night to have a little fun. His itinerary consisted of oral consumption of vast quantities of the Nectar of the Blue Agave (tequila), doing the Horizontal Meskin Hat Dance with some nubile Meskin putas (whores) and smoking some Acapulco Gold.

OK...I made up the part about Pesos Para Putas and smoking some sinsemilla. <---This is the Meskin word for "seedless". 

Sinsemilla casually translates into English as "some mind-blowing shit".

But, I digress.

Anyway, Guillermo was out gettin' bien borracho (<---Meskin for "commode-huggin' drunk) and when the evening was over he decided to drive to La Casa. 

So Guillermo mounted his trusty steed, a low riding '64 Chebby with pink and purple tuck and roll, twice pipes and fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror. There was also a small statue of the Virgin Mary secured to the dashboard by some Elmer's Glue.

Pray for us sinners....

Guillermo almost shoved his foot through the floor board of his '64 Chebby with pink and purple tuck and roll, twice pipes and fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror as he mashed the gas pedal further downward. 

The 300 HP, 327 cubic inch power plant under the hood roared to life and soon Guillermo was racing down the streets of the City at a top speed of nearly 27 miles per hour! 

His passenger, a parrot, (yes, a parrot!) was screaming at the top of his lungs, "Slow down, Guillermo Reyes, Professional Drinker, Meskin Division!" So Guillermo slowed down. 

Jail House Chickens
But that was only because of the Meskin version of a  sobriety checkpoint, the The Punto El Check-o for Los Drunks, that impeded his progress.

Guillermo made his way through the Line of Driving Professional Drinkers, Meskin Division to the sobriety checkpoint when the parrot began squawking, presumably in Spanish, ""He's drunk! He's drunk!" 

The Federales determined that Guillermo was indeed FUBARed. Los Feds then extended to Guillermo a most gracious offer of food and shelter for the evening at one of Mexico's finest penal institutions. And by "one of Mexico's finest penal institutions", I of course mean a roach-infested, smelling of piss and sweaty Meskins, 8 feet by 8 feet concrete floored cell. On the bright side, Guillermo now had 37 other Professional Drinkers, Meskin Division as amigos.

Behind every storm cloud there is a silver lining, they say.

There is no word on what happened to the parrot.

Although, I have it on good authority that lunch in the jail in which Guillermo was confined the next day was "chicken" and rice. (arroz con pollo).

Dumbass. 

***Hat Tip FoxNews.com***

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Guy Loses $20,000 of Drug Dealer's Cash, Asks Cops to Write Excuse Note to Drug Guy!

Best of Dumbass News

John Wayne once said, "Life is hard. It's even harder if you're stupid."

Who am I to argue with The Duke?

Those nine words are some of the most powerful ever spoken, ranking right up there with "I have a dream", "Four score and seven years ago" and "Where's the beef?" That's walkin' in some high oratory cotton right there.

Today's story is the perfect illustration of what Mr. Wayne said.

Trouble in Tucson

Demarco Thomas must have a rough life.

He is stoopid.

Real stoopid.

Thomas was traveling through Tucson recently when he noticed that he'd misplaced some cash.

Twenty thousand dollars worth of cash! Now what on Earth would a guy like Demarco Thomas be doing with 20 Large in cash?

Do the words "alleged drug courier" mean anything to you?

So here's an alleged drug courier who has somehow lost twenty. big. ones. Knowing this, I am able to deduce that not only has Demarco lost 20 Grand, he has lost someone else's 20 Grand.

And who, pray tell, could this someone else be?

You got it!

Big Time Drug Dealer! 

I ain't the smartest Dumbass in the room, but something deep inside me says that losing twenty thousand dollars that belong to a Big Time Drug Dealer is not a good thing. My understanding is that doing such a thing can lead to a sudden stoppage in breathing. 

Seeking Help


Demarco was also concerned about the repercussions of losing all that cash, so he immediately sought help.

From the Police! 

But wait, this story is about to get a lot better. Better even than the Dumbasses whose car was holding $425,000 worth of pot got hijacked !
It DOES Grow on Trees!


Fearing for his life, he called police to ask if an officer could write a note to the local cartel explaining that he lost $20,000 in drug money; he thought it might smooth things over if he could show cartel members a phony receipt from the local police stating they had seized the money, the Arizona Daily Star reported.

I can see it now:

Dear Bloodthirsty Big Time Drug Dealing Cartel Guy, 

Could you please excuse Demarco for losing $20,000 of your ill gotten gains. It was an honest mistake that could have happened to any drug courier. 

We know that this a lot of money, but it is a mere drop in the bucket compared to the millions of dollars you collect while peddling Death-in-a-Small- Baggie to poor schlubs everywhere.

In light of this fact, we politely ask that you not be too harsh on Demarco by cutting off his hands or resorting to some other barbaric punishment for his little boo boo. 

It is our firm belief that a very harshly worded scolding done in a very stern manner would be sufficient in helping Demarco realize that what he did was not very responsible. 

Thank you for your compassion in this matter.

Sincerely,
Tucson Police Department

In other words, Demarco Thomas is in deep doo doo.

He's either a Prison Bitch or a dead man.

I hope the Bloodthirsty Big Time Drug Dealing Cartel Guy opens up his heart to forgiveness regarding Demarco's blunder.

$20,000 says he won't.

Dumbass.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Cop Smacks Girlfriend, She Kung Fu's His Ass With Justin Bieber Doll!

Best of Dumbass News

Today's story involves a cop and is one of the weirdest yet to appear on Dumbass News.

That's saying a lot considering the fact that we've written about cops being attacked by sex toys, cops whose police cruiser has been pissed on and a little diddy about a cop who tasered a female cop's ass, in the police station! No matter how much dumbassery those stories reek of, they do not compare to the stoopididity that awaits you in this beauty.

Domestic Disturbance
Bitch Slapped By Justin Bieber Doll

Domestic violence is, sadly, all too common in the United States. Sometimes these incidents involve police officers. Let's face it though, that being a cop has to be one of the toughest jobs in the world. These guys gotta be wound tighter than a Britney Spears alarm clock, even at home. That's still no excuse to put your hands on a woman in a violent manner.

That said, let's move on.

Our cop in question today is a member of the Denver Police Department. Michael Nuanes got into an argument with his girlfriend when things got, as they say, out of control. There was the usual pushing and shoving and throwing things. As a result of this confrontation, Michael is filing suit against his gal pal for being mean to him and injuring him with thrown objects.

Did I mention that the thrown object that "injured" Nuanes was a Justin Bieber doll?

Yes!

A Justin Bieber doll!

Dude, Justin Bieber himself couldn't hurt my 5 year old daughter, much less a trained police officer. Upon seeing Nuanes' mug shot, I thought the guy played linebacker for the Green Bay Packers and he says he was injured, on the foot no less, by a Justin Bieber doll??!! Dude, you are a fucking crybaby.

Are You Kiddin'?

From the story on HuffPo: "According to an Adams County Sheriff's Office affidavit via the Smoking Gun,   "Nuanes stated that [his girlfriend] had thrown a 'Barbie Doll' at him, which bruised his foot and [said] that it hurt ... Nuanes pointed out a 'Justin Bieber' doll, which was the item used to injure him." He also said she "bit his finger and that it also hurt."

Well, hell, that makes a world of difference.

She bit his finger too!

Good Gawd Almighty!

I wonder what would happen if this guy had to arrest a real criminal like, let's say, a gang member or a murderer? Curl into the fetal position and start sucking his thumb? Oh, wait.. He's already proved he's a tough guy by beating on a woman. My bad. He wouldn't curl up and suck his thumb. He'd shit his pants, then curl up and suck his thumb.

On second thought, I have seen Justin Bieber has been wearing leather lately and that, in and of itself is a pretty scary sight. The doll must have been leather clad as well.

I almost forgot! You wanna know why the disagreement between Nuanes and his girlfriend started in the first place?

Wait. For. It.

She had yet to change her Facebook status to "In a relationship"!

Are. You. Fucking. Kiddin'?

I can almost hear the Dumbass In Chief  (that would be Preznit Stompy Feet for all the Yoopers in the audience) calling for the Feds to clamp down on Facebook. "Ban the Relationship Status" on Facebook! "Facebook Hates Women!"

The possibilities are endless for an enterprising Commie Pussy.

What I Think

Where do I begin?

First, Michael Nuanes has no place in the Denver Police Department or any civil service position. He's a coward, a bully and a big pussy for laying his hands on a woman like that.

Second, send the cocksucker to prison and let him find out how fun it is to be slapped around by somebody bigger than he is.

Third, while he's in the Big House, send him a lifetime supply of Soap on a Rope. If he were to drop a regular bar of soap in the prison shower, the right to remain silent goes out the window.

Fuck Michael Nuanes.

Dumbass.

Dumbass.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Deflated Balloons Look Like Jellyfish to Stoopid Sea Turtles! Balloon Banning on Beach Ensues!

As you know, there are Dumbasses of every stripe breathing your air.

Some of the biggest Dumbasses are the Save the Earth/Animals Dipshits.
Often Mistaken for Jellyfish By Stoopid Sea Turtles

You know the kind.

The Dumbasses who pour paint on a fur coat while another Human Bean is still wearing it!

Or some numb nuts who sets car dealerships on fire to "save the world" from the scourge that is global warming, or should I say climate change?

don't care, because climate change as these Dumbasses define it, is a fucking hoax. 

It might be worth noting here that pouring paint on a $5000 fur coat and saving the world by committing arson are what are known in legal parlance as "felonies".

As for the Animal Rights Dumbasses, I like animals just fine.

I like them medium rare.

Since there's not another planet we can send these Douchenozzles to, and other things I'd like to see done to them are against the law, ridiculing them and exposing them as the purveyors of hate for humans and vigilante violence against those who disagree with them for the idjits that they are, are my tools of choice.

Hence, I shall ridicule them until my ass falls off from laughing.

And my ass ain't even loose yet.

So in this particular post we are gonna be dealing with a Save the Animals Dumbass.

Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina is probably a good place to live. I'm sure it's a town occupied by many good people.

However, 60% of Wrightsville Beach's elected officials are Dumbasses. And I mean Dumbasses.

I arrived at that 60% figure like this : there are five aldermen who serve the citizens of Wrightsville Beach and three of them are Dumbasses. Three is 60% of five.

The reason that these three dickweeds are Dumbasses is because they voted to outlaw balloons in the city! The ordinance in place says that if you are caught carrying a balloon while strolling the beach in Wrightsville Beach, you'll be issued a citation for one hundred dollars! If you let your balloon float away into the wild blue yonder, that's another $250!

Of the three Assbag Aldermen who voted for this law, one deserves "special" attention. Her name is Lisa Weeks. She's the Dumbass who cast the deciding vote on this piece of shit bill.

The Nanny State Liberation Front picks it up from there: Weeks said she did it “for the sea turtles.” She and her fellow members of the Bigots Against Balloon Brigade are convinced that sea turtles confuse deflated balloons for yummy jellyfish, resulting in "suffocation and death."

Proven Dangers to Deflated Ballons
I am not making this up!

Ms. Weeks, as you can now see, is a Dumbass Cum Laude which is Latin for "my head is buried a couple of feet deep into the sand in my vagina."

And the fact that at least 50% plus one vote of the voters of Wrightsville Beach elected this moron, means that they ain't exactly in line to receive Rhodes Scholarships.

I am curious as to how many dead sea turtles who have been suffocated by deflated balloons have washed ashore in Wrightsville Beach.

One?

Ten?

Eleventy!!!!11!!!1 ?

I'll go out on a limb here and say that the count is exactly ZERO.

I am a Risk Taker like that.

A word of advice for the voters of Wrightsville Beach comes from a commenter on the NSLF. Miss Wynonna says, "Very simple…..Either VOTE them out next election cycle, OR start a recall pettion to get them removed from their positions….." 

Or write in Miss Wynonna's name as an alternative to the three Taint Stains who passed this ordinance.

When she wins, celebrate by releasing a few hundred helium-filled balloons into the air.

Then if any sea turtles found to have suffocated from deflated-balloons-mistaken-for-jellyfish wash ashore, make turtle soup.

Dumbasses.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

More Dumbass Man Cave Decor Ideas: Dumbass Man Cave Signs!

Dumbass News' recent post on Dumbass Man Cave Decor Ideas has taken The Blogosphere by storm!

Dumbass News' TwitterPinterest and Facebook timelines have literally exploded with Retweets, Re-Pins and Shares!

Tens of you actually took enough time from slammin' down likker like a $2 whore sucking the chrome off a trailer hitch/smoking a blunt and/or crack cocaine/eating a bag of week old Cheetos in Mom's basement/texting on your iPhone while bumpin' uglies to read this shit.

I love you!

In a Fearless Leader kind of way.

Being a Man About Town and leading an entire Dumbass Horde are not the only Elite Qualities I posses.

I also have an Eye for Art. 

Redneck Art specifically.

Falling into the larger Redneck Art Category is the Redneck Art Sub-Category of Dumbass Man Cave Decor Ideas.

Imagine that.

Anyway....while our recent post on Fearless Leader Recommended and Approved Man Cave Interior Decorating was undoubtedly one of the finer art posts you have read in quite some time (at least since your last visit to Crayola.com), my highly tuned skills of observation and an eyeball trained to recognize fine art detected that there was a certain "something" missing from the photos we displayed in the post - Dumbass Man Cave Signs! 

Being a benevolent, caring and all that shit Fearless Leader, and a Common Sewer of Redneck Art, how could I not pass along to you my expertise on Man Cave Design?

I couldn't, so I shall.

Dumbass Man Cave Signs


Welcome Mat

The Law

Freedom

Fun & Games!


Customer Service


What Could Possibly Go Wrong?


Fill 'er Up!


Safety First
Do the Math


Priorities!


Capitalism




Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Gettin' Nookie While Driving Drunky!

Best of Dumbass News

Alcohol.

Fire Water.

The Devil's Brew.

Whatever you choose to call it, alcohol, when consumed in adequate quantities, causes people to do some stoopid shit. I should know. I am a Former Professional Drinker. And after gettin' likkered up I did some real stoopid shit.

I am not here to regale you with Tales of a Drunken Fearless Leader, although some of the stories I could tell you would make your toe nails curl and your head explode. I am here, however, as a Dumbass News Public Service, to pass along some stoopid shit that other Drunk Dumbasses have done.

If you were to go to the Dumbass News Search Box near the top of the right hand side bar and type in "DUI", you'd come up with some epic sagas of Drunken Dumbassery.

For Example
  • Cody Ray Gibbs of Atlanta had already been convicted of one DUI when he decided to go get drunk with his buddies. He got drunk all right and decided that it was time to go home. On the bull dozer he drove to the bar!
  • A Kiwi Dumbass (that's a Dumbass from New Zealand for the Yoopers in the audience) tried to drive home after a night of blowin' the froth off a few with a Young Kiwi Lass when he got popped for DUI. After he crashed his car into her living room! Dumbass Spoiler Alert: he blew three times the legal DUI limit and also pissed on some Breath-a-lyzers at the Police Station!
  • One Drunk Dumbass knew he was in trouble for DUI when he was stopped at a Police DUI Check Point. So what does he do before he gets to the front of the DUI Check Point line? Cracks open a cold one and waits his turn to be carted off to jail!
You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet

While the stories listed above are some very fine examples of Dumbass Drunk Driving, they fail miserably in comparison to level of Dumbass Drunk Driving Drama in today's potboiler.


An Albuquerque man faces multiple charges after police said he was engaging in sex with a woman while drunken driving, and then crashed his vehicle.
Drunk Dick
Police said they found Luis Briones, 25, wearing one shoe and inside-out shorts Monday night after he crashed his vehicle. His unidentified female passenger was found naked outside the vehicle after being ejected, and was hospitalized for deep cuts to her face and head, The Albuquerque Journal reported Wednesday.
Police said Briones ran a red light and struck a car.
The criminal complaint mentions "Mr. Briones was observed to be having sexual intercourse with the passenger, and sped off ... at a high rate of speed."
Witnesses told police Briones was drunk at the scene, and officers found a partially full vodka bottle in the vehicle, the newspaper said. He faces charges including aggravated DWI, reckless driving and evading police.
What else can I say?
Dumbass.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Cat Box Chaos (And Alcohol) Lead to Feline Felony!

The Post-Op Healing For Surgery In the Region Near the Fearless Leader's Manhood is not going so well.

On Thursday, January 16, I had a surgical procedure performed to correct a hernia.

It was a doozy.

The hernia, not the procedure.

However, as you Dumbasses of the Male Persuasion can easily postulate, any time a medical device honed to the sharpness of a Samurai sword is used in the general area of a man's thingy, anxiety, much swelling and the lingering feeling of a sun-hot fireplace poker being rammed into your Groinal Region are your constant companions.

I am on a first name basis with Anxiety, Much Swelling and the Lingering Feeling of a Sun-Hot Fireplace Poker Being Rammed Into Your Groinal Region. 

I'll be better in a day or two.

Until then....

For SaleLike-New Sun-Hot Fireplace Poker That Has Been Rammed Into
                My Groinal Region.
                Cheap.
                Fearless Leader autograph extra.

Best of Dumbass News

Earlier this year my family and I adopted a cat from the local Humane Society through Petsmart.

Her name is Lou Lou.
Lou Lou

On October 11 Lou Lou celebrated her 3rd birthday. We know that October 11 is her birthday because it was written on the little info card attached to her cage at Petsmart.

And my ten year old daughter said so.

Thus, it is.

Before we went out and brought Lou Lou into our family, I told the aforementioned ten year old and her six year old sister that taking care of a cat ain't easy. I explained to them that there are certain responsibilities that come with pet ownership - feeding her, making sure her water thing is full (and clean), brushing her, etc. And by "etc." I mean "Cat Box Turd Removal Duty".

I told The Girls that if we got a cat that it would be their job to do all the feeding, watering, brushing and Cat Box Turd Removal Duty. "OK, Daddy!", they gleefully (and loudly) agreed.

I was so proud of them.

For about three days. 

Long story short, after about three days of diligently doing Lou Lou-related chores.....

I think you get where I am going with this.

Speaking of cats....

75 Miles Northeast of the Dumbass Dome

Up in Bangor,
a Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone went to her neighbor's apartment to (ta da!) ask to use the the telephone!

The Neighbor With the Telephone had a visitor who was less than receptive to the idea that The Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone had knocked on the door asking to (ta da!) use the telephone. The Visitor began to scream at The Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone that "the whole building reeks of a foul aroma because you are somewhat lax in performing your duly appointed Cat Box Turd Removal Duty." OK, he actually said "this building smells like sweaty swamp donkey ass because you won't clean the cat shit out of the litter box, you skanky bitch!" 

Or something very similar.

The Visitor then proceeded to shove The Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone to the ground and smack her around.

Now, I am against smacking around Cat Owner Ladies Without Telephones unless it is necessary to the plot. In this case, it was clearly not necessary to the plot. 

The ensuing Police Report says that The Visitor was "visibly intoxicated". 

You don't say!

The Visitor is now a guest of the Penobscot County Crossbar Hilton.

He has been assigned Single Visible Cold Steel Toilet in An 8 x 8 Cell Prisoner Turd Removal Duty.

Don't Drop the Soap Duty is optional.

Dumbass.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Dumbasses Smuggle Cocaine in Hair Weaves!

Best of Dumbass News

You are about to read about what could be the Co-Dumbasses of the Year, which would be a first in the history of the Dumbass of the Year Awards.

While it is still too way too early to make a call on the winner of the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award, the two idjits in this story are the leaders in the clubhouse as of today.

Creatively Stoopid

We have covered all kinds of smuggling here at Dumbass News, from the guy who smuggled cocaine in roasted chickens, a Playboy Bunny who smuggles Canadians into the USA to a guy who tried to sneak some illegal cockroaches into the country, but we have never and I mean never had the honor on reporting on a Dumbass who tried to smuggle cocaine into the United States in a hair weave!

Today, we have the good fortune of telling you of TWO Dumbasses who thought bringing contraband onto US soil in hair weaves was a good idea!

No matter how idiotic the scheme, you gotta give these two an A+ for creativity.

Doing a Boyfriend a Favor

From HuffPoThat's the hair-raising accusation that has Kiana Howell and Makeeba Graham tangled up in a criminal case. The two women were arrested early Sunday morning at JFK Airport in New York after their extra-tall hair weaves raised the suspicions of guards.
Howell and Graham had just arrived from the South American country of Guyana and caught the attention of officials when they started wigging out as they approached customs, the New York Post reported.
Officers started sniffing around and, upon closer inspection, discovered more than two pounds of cocaine woven into the two women's hairdos, according to The Smoking Gun.
Officials said Howell and Graham concealed the cocaine in form-fitting plastic bags on their scalps. Howell allegedly had 35.1 ounces of nose candy hidden under her hair weave, while Graham is accused of hiding 36.9 ounces beneath hers, UPI reported. 

Kiana Howell Makeeba Brown

Kiana, the bitch who looks like Flip Wilson, said, of course, that she had no idea what was in the packages, but she was just doin' a solid for her Guyanan boyfriend.

And $7500.

Not much says "I didn't know what was in there" like being paid seven and a half large for being the courier of a package with two pounds "unknown contents".

On your fucking skull!

Nothing suspicious there. Move along.

I shave my head so I have no hair up there, but I gotta a feeling that if I put on a wig that weighed two pounds, I just might say to myself, "Self, something is screwy here".

But that's just me.

Not Kiana and Makeeba.

And by the way, who the hell in their right mind names their kid "Makeeba"? Oh, yeah. A coke head that's who.

Dumbasses.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Lady Beats the Hell Outta Guy Who Won't Give Her "Some"!

Best of Dumbass News

WARNING! Probably NSFW! Be On The Lookout for the Boss!


Yearning for Freedom...And BOB
S-E-X.

Three little letters with such a profound meaning.

Or result.

Or consequences.

Or something.

"Normal" people, and Dumbasses too, need, want and crave sex. Having said that, however, there are limits to which a Dumbass (including for the sake of brevity and my poor typing skillz, henceforth, "normal" people too) wanting to get laid must adhere to. Period.

There's another small but powerful word for sexual overtures that are either unwanted or unwelcome. That word is RAPE. Unless you are a sexual deviant, or from Iran, but I digress, rough sex is a no no.

End of story. 

No ifs, ands or unwanted spankings.

99.999999999% of criminal complaints about forced sex have men as the perpetrator. There are, however, some rare cases that involve women as the aggressor in these situations. Yes, I'm looking at you sex-starved hottie school teachers who coerce some lucky 16 year old bastard poor young man into a game of hide the Teenie Weenie with promises of better grades at school and daily blowjobs.

Today's story is one in which the young lady is the horny bimbo going to extreme measures in order to do the Horizontal Hula.

Gettin' Rough

1664.81 miles from my house to Miami in the FLA, is a little hot tamale named Inez Nunez who is your normal, every day 18 year old nymphomaniac. I mean, this girl wanted her boyfriend to lay the chorizo to her in the worst way. Simply put, the bitch was as horny as a two peckered billy goat.

Sadly for Inez, her novio ( little Espanol lingo there meaning boyfriend) was not in the mood to play esconda la salchicha or as we gringos say, hide the weenie. After much pillow talk, pleading and weenie massaging, Inez's efforts remained fruitless. This is when she resorted to a more "persuasive" method of getting porked. She began to beat the shit out of her boyfriend! To my way of thinking, having a woman stomp a mud hole in me is not what I would call sexually stimulating. A felony perhaps, but it ain't no way to make Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm stand at attention. But that's just how I roll.

Exercising Restraint

Miraculously, somehow the boyfriend had enough snap about him to not retaliate against Inez as she continued to slap him upside the head. Not so miraculously, Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm had decided that standing at attention was not in the cards at this point. Poor Inez. if only she had a Battery Operated Boyfriend (BOB), this whole unfortunate incident would have never come about. Now that I think about it, if she did have a BOB and used it in a Lezbean Porn Flick kind of way, she prolly would have gotten laid, fried, ti-died and put to the side. Willie and the boyfriend might, just might, mind you, have been properly encouraged to participate in a little Mattress Mambo.

Alas, it was not to be.

The mood was ruined when the ass-kickin' started.

And when the cops arrived.

Ruined Mood

As Fate would have it, the roll in the hay that Inez wanted, nay, craved, and turned into something quite different that she had hoped for. Instead of getting pounded like a cheap steak, she was on her way to the Broward County Center for Horny Bitches Who Assault Their Lovers To Get a Little Pokey Pokey. On the bright side of things, I'll bet you a nickel that Inez will get plenty of attention from some of her new friends in the lockup. No BOB necessary, batteries not included and some assembly required.

All this bullshit just to get some.

Inez is a cute young felon and I feel in my heart of hearts that she could have found some studly young man to fulfill her "needs" if she had just tried. Her boyfriend is obviously a Justin Bieber fan who couldn't, or wouldn't, nail Jessica Alba if she was the one beating him like a red headed step child. But that, of course, is purely speculative. His being a pussy, on the other hand, is not.

Closing Arguments

Actually, I have no argument to make here, but this is the closing of this tale of the wrong pussy getting beat up, right? Besides, I was a PreLaw Major (Dropout) in college, so I like to say "closing arguments" whenever I can.

Conclusions: Inez committed a felony and still didn't get hammered, the boyfriend is a pussy and Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm is still in hiding. What a sad ending to a potentially terrific Porn Flick to Be.

I'll be taking up a Batteries for BOB Fund Raiser for Inez so she'll be "armed and dangerous", IYKWIMAITYD, when she gets paroled. Send all donations through the PayPal "Donate" button in the right side bar.

It's the least I could do for Inez.

 And BOB.

Dumbass.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Guy Uses Fake Gun in Robbery, Gets Shot With Real Gun!

Best of Dumbass News

The 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States reads thusly: "a well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed". 

A bank employee in Trimble, Missouri recently exercised his 2nd Amendment rights when some Dumbass tried to rob the First Security Bank.

The Thinker 
Fake


Michael Oliva is one of those Dumbasses who on occasion comes up with a brilliant idea. And by "brilliant" I of course mean "stoopid as fuck".

Michael was sittin' around one day sparkin' up the ol' crack pipe, throwin' back some foaties (that's "forties" as in 40oz beer for all you Old White Guys out there) and singin' Kanye West songs, hereafter referred to as "shit", trying to think of something to do. All of the sudden Michael came up with a brilliant ("stoopid as fuck") idea. Michael exclaimed, "El Frito Bandito es pendejo!" which is Meskin lingo for, "Hey! I have a stoopid as fuck idea! I'm gonna go rob a bank with a realistic looking but fake hand gun!".

So he set out on his felonious feat.

Penalty for Early Withdrawal

At 1:25 PM one recent Friday afternoon, Michael Oliva arrived at First Security Bank, 202 US Highway 169 in Trimble, MO. Michael had his Fake But Realistic Looking Hand Gun at the ready.

What could possibly go wrong?

I'm glad you asked that question.

So Michael pulls a black ski mask over his head and makes his entry into the bank. He goes up to one of the bank tellers and demands the money in her cash drawer. At this point, a bunch of noisy shit and commotion goes on catching the attention of another bank employee in an office near the teller area.

Remember up there ^^^ when you asked "what could possibly go wrong?"

This is What Could Possibly Go Wrong 
Very Real


The Bank Guy who came running to the front of the bank from an office? He confronted Michael and his Fake But Looks Like a Real Gun Gun face to face. Did I mention that the Bank Guy has a concealed carry permit for a REAL gun? He does.

Anyway, here's the Bank Guy with a .357 staring straight into the eyes of Michael Oliva who is in possession of a Realistic Looking But FAKE Gun. It is at this point that the Bank Guy aims his very real .357 at Michael and blasts him in the face with a very real .357 bullet.

Somehow, by the Grace of God I suppose, Michael is not graveyard dead and manages to escape with a gun shot wound to the jaw.

Long story short....Michael gets away and then leads the cops on a high speed car chase before finally being apprehended. Upon being nabbed by The Fuzz, Michael was heard to say, "Hace mucho calor" which translates to: "Boy was that a stoopid as fuck idea".

Ay! Ay! Ay! Canta y no llores! Translation:

Dumbass.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Wanna Leave Your Wife? Fake Your Own Kidnapping!

Best of Dumbass News

A terrible thing happened to Rahmell Pettway.

He was kidnapped.

Last Thursday passersby found Rahmell sitting between two parked cars on the streets of New York City. His mouth, legs and hands were bound by duct tape and he complained of pain in his ribs.

The Police were notified and Rahmell told them the tale of his abduction. He told the cops that two guys in a blue minivan had kidnapped him and held him for two terrifying weeks moving him from place to place around the Big Apple.

However, NYC's Finest soon became skeptical of Pettway's story. With good reason.When The Law found Rahmell, a roll of duct tape was still dangling from his wrist!Hate Your

A confession to this fakery soon followed.

Why would Rahmell go to such extraordinary lengths and concoct such an elaborate hoax?

He didn't want to tell his girlfriend why he was gone for those two weeks! He was afraid that she'd kick his ass! Of course we all know that faking our own kidnapping is a sure fire way to avoid an ass-kickin' from our sweetheart.

I know that Mrs. Fearless Leader would be most compassionate if I suddenly disappeared for a couple of weeks. She'd be compassionate enough to change the locks on the door and leave a note for me to contact a friendly neighborhood divorce lawyer. Child support and punitive alimony would soon follow.

Disappearance Advice

Guys, it's really very simple.

If you don't want to be with your girlfriend/wife, just tell her. There are a number of ways to do this.
  • Tell her the red dress she just spent $400 on makes her ass look like the rear end of a '65 Buick.
  • Question her personal hygiene habits. Use phrases like "smells like albacore tuna". IYKWIMAITYD.
  • Start wearing her panties and that $400 red dress. 
  • Demonstrate a sudden fixation for interior decorating.
  • Plaster your home office walls with posters of RuPaul.
  • Comment how studly Ryan Secrest is.
  • Boink a farm animal. 
Kidnapping, schmidnapping.

Man up!

Dumbass.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

White Guy Goes to War; White Wife Has Black Baby While He's Gone!

By the time you read this I will be under the knife. <--Read this for more info. (Guest Post Opportunities also)

I hope the surgeon got a good night's sleep.

And a blow job.

Best of Dumbass News

Since I started writing this blog in September, 2010, I have made fun of every class, race, creed, skin color and/or national origin, especially those pansies the Fwench. You'd have to go all the way back to yesterday to see my latest demolition of those surrender-happy Frogs. If you, too, like to lob a few verbal grenades at the Fwench, just go to the "search" button in the left sidebar and type in "Fwench". A veritable novel on "pussified" will be at your finger tips.

Enough about those Dumbasses.

Anyway, my somewhat verbose point here is that although I have ripped all the people I listed above, I have never done so because of race, color, national origin (except the Fwench), etc. I have stood fast to my word that I'll make fun of anybody, any time. My three exclusions from that are the Pope, my Mom, not yours, and Billy Graham.

End. Of. Story.

He Serves His Country, She Serves a Bruthah

Here's the scene: A guy is in a branch of the United States Military serving in Iraq. (Thanks for your service!) He is a white guy. He was overseas for a year when he was sent back state side. He came home a hero.

And a Dumbass.

Stay with me here, that ain't a shot at military guys. You'll see what I mean in a moment.

When the soldier left for Iraq, he left behind his wife. She's a cracker, too. Upon arriving back in the USA, the guy goes home to his white wife.

And a black baby.

Let's do a quick review here.
  • White Soldier goes overseas leaving a wife behind.
  • Soldier is gone for TWELVE months.
  • Fast forward a year. Soldier comes home to his white wife.
  • And a black baby. A less than year old black baby.
This gets even better, Dumbasses.

The Dumbass Part

The slut white chick says she got pregnant from, dig this shit, watching a 3D porn flick! I swear on my late Father's grave that I am not making this up.

Any questions?

I have some.

Q & A

You Dumbasses know me. I am rather inquisitive. Before I continue, I'll concede a few things:
  • Against astronomical odds, this kind of stuff happens. Click here to read some weird shit.
  • Jennifer Stewart is a cheating piece of possum poop.
  • The baby in this story is a cutie pie.
Let's start with the simple, verifiable fact that the alleged Daddy, a white guy, was in Iraq for a year, fighting for his country. His was wife was not pregnant when he left. He came home to a baby less than a year old , and whose skin is of the African persuasion. I went to public school and even I can do the math on this one. The kid ain't the white guy's.

The preceding paragraph is filled with pesky little things called facts, many admitted to by the Mom. Their veracity is unquestionable. "Lifelike", even.


The Crazy Part

Mom claims she was impregnated by the black guy star of a 3D porn movie she had seen. She says that the baby resembles Bruthah Big Johnson. I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but, lady, your kid has such a generic baby's face that he even looks like me! 

And I ain't the daddy.

Even more bizarre is the fact that her husband believes her!!!

"3D movies are very lifelike", he says. No, Sir, war is very "lifelike". I think one of the goat-fuckers you were try to send to his 72 virgins put some tainted camel piss in your MREs. While I shall be eternally grateful for your service to our country, White Guy, you are an utter moron, idiot, dumbfuck, dipshit, Dumbass. White Guy, I hate to tell you this, but your Old Lady did the Horizontal Hula with a Black Guy and it ain't from a "likelike" 3D movie or the amazing technology we enjoy today. She broke her vows to you with a good old fashion "lifelike" black weenie attached to a "lifelike" Black Guy.

End. Of. Story.

Now the whore is gonna sue the film company that produce the 3D "lifelike" digital sperm?

It is my considered opinion that these two people be admitted to a "lifelike" Looney Fucking Tunes Funny Farm. I suffer from several "mental illnesses", therefore I feel my opinion should carry at least a little weight. However, it doesn't take a Mental Midget like me to determine that this couple is a pair of "lifelike"...

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Parking Ticket & Bigotry Lead to Doo Doo Attack on Cop!

Lots going on at The Dumbass Dome.

Including surgery on your Fearless Leader.

Rather repeating a bunch of stuff, get the lowdown from yesterday's post.

Best of Dumbass News

"Let's throw this against the wall and see if it sticks."

Usually that saying refers to an idea.

Or spaghetti. (to see if it's done)

What if the proverbial idea and/or spaghetti were doo doo?

Funny you should ask.

Ticket to Ride

A Nice Lady down in New Jersey was out on the town, which in Joisey could mean "tooling around for nightly drive-by shootings", when she parked her car in the wrong place.

Upon completing her nightly drive bys her errands, she returned to her car to find a parking ticket. This did not sit well with the Nice Lady.

It was at this point that the situation went to shit. 


Literally.

HuffPo fills us in: According to the Jersey Journal, the officer was leaving work at the Hoboken Parking Utility offices at City Hall on Sept. 11 when she was accosted by the angry woman. After the officer told the woman she was going to get her supervisor, she says the woman threw a substance in her face, which was later confirmed to be feces. The species of origin is unclear.
"The attacker told cops she had gotten upset about a parking ticket because she thought she was being targeted because she is Latina," the newspaper reported.
The 39-year-old woman initially denied she had thrown the poop at the officer, but later allegedly admitted it, telling police that she'd scooped the poop off the ground with a paper cup. She was issued a summons for disorderly conduct.

I am quite concerned about this sort of behavior.

My Concerns

  • Police Officers have a tough enough job to do without people throwing shit at them.
  • Even if they do raid the wrong house from time to time.
  • What the hell kind of Dumbass would actually track down a cop to exact some sort of revenge over a fucking parking ticket?
  • A Dumbass with the reasoning skills of a wad of chewed-up-and-spit-out bubble gum.
  • Disorderly conduct?
  • Are you shittin' me?
  • How about "assault with a chemical weapon"?
  • This is doo doo of Unknown Origins.
  • How can we determine what species the offending poop came from?
  • Get DNA samples from all the hookers working the area in and around Hoboken.
  • After all, the Shit Bomb was scooped up off the ground.
  • Hookers in Hoboken are famous for "pinchin' a loaf"  whenever and where ever the urge hits.
  • Look for suspicious dogs also.
  • Even though it's hard to differentiate them from the hookers.
  • Do the Police in Hoboken racially profile all Female Dumbasses?
  • Or just Latina Dumbasses?
  • Or only brown hookers.
  • Or brown dogs?
  • I don't know.
  • I also don't care.
Dumbass.
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