Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: March 2014 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, March 31, 2014

One Napkin Equals $1.5 Million Lawsuit Against McDonalds!

I never thought I'd ever write the following words:

McDonalds is a pox on American Society.

Man, that hurt. 

I have been eating at The Golden Arches for over fifty years! (And, boy am I full! Hahahaha!) That was so long ago that the McDonalds sign said "Over 13 Served".

Anyway....

Mark down this day as The Day I Say Adios to Mickey D's. 

Bonsoir, Big Mac. Que sera sera Quarter Pounder. Ciao Chicken McNuggets. Farewell, Filet O' Fish (Now 2 for $3.33!)

I'm done with all you Rat McBastids! (2 for $5!)

Partial List of Reasons Why

  • Because you are stingy motherfuckers with your hot fudge, you have turned Ordinary Dumbasses into Raving Lunatics. And felons.
  • When the McRib-addicted Yutes of America become so preoccupied with your processed pork product that they turn to vehicular assault when refused a portion of porcine perfection, you have gone too far.
  • Even Plain Old Sluts who work for you are forced into selling their McCooter  to patrons of the Drive Thru because of your blatant disregard for their well-being with your refusal to pay them fifteen bucks an hour to ask the customer "Would you like a blow job and large fries with that McMuffin, Cowboy?"
And Now THIS?

McDonalds' horrid treatment of a Dumbass in Cal-ee-forn-ya was the Final Straw in a series of straws that were straining the camel's back.

Here's the deal:

  1. Dumbass goes to The Arches and orders a meal. 
  2. His order was properly filled.
  3. With one exception.
  4. The McDonalds employee serving the Dumbass put only ONE napkin in the bag with the food!
  5. Dumbass emailed the Manager of this McD's location to whine about getting only one napkin.
  6. The Manager responded to the complaint by presenting the Dumbass with some coupons for FREE McKnobJobs food at the restaurant.
  7. The Dumbass felt slighted by this paltry proposition.
  8. So slighted that he is now unable to work!
  9. Why, you ask?
  10. Because of undue mental anguish!
  11. The Guy experienced so much undue mental anguish(!) over getting only one napkin that he is now suing the McDonalds for One. Point. Five. MILLION. Dollars!
  12. That must have been one messy ass burger!
  13. My cure for undue mental anguish of this nature involves an overdue aluminum baseball bat to the skull.
Dumbass.

***Hat Tip: Heather the Dumbass Wife and You Tube Star ***

Sunday, March 30, 2014

British Schools Teach Crash Course in UFO Crashes!

Best of Dumbass News

Once upon a time, England was a great and powerful country.

But that was once upon a time and the passage of time has not been good to the home of Winston Churchill, Sir Walter Raleigh and Monty Python.

Not only has the British dance with socialism and political correctness turned the country into a something unrecognizable from a mere generation ago, some of the institutions of education there are going to shit as well.

You know, the places that are supposed to teach reading, writing and arithmetic (we used to call them schools), are teaching 8 ,9 and 10 year olds what to do in the event of (multiple choice, pick the most correct answer): a) inclement weather, b) an attack by a crazed gunman, c) a national emergency or d) a UFO crash.

The correct answer is "d", as in Dumbass!

I. Kid. You. Not.

This article states that "In a typical drill, a UFO crash incident is created, and police arrive to show 8- to 10-year-old pupils how to handle such a scenario, which includes gathering "wreckage," and the students are encouraged to share and write about the experience." And you thought I was kiddin'.

So, these kids are shown how to handle such a scenario, huh? I can tell you how most 8 - 10 year olds would handle such a scenario...they would run like someone put a rocket up their ass, screaming "MOMMY!!" like Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem. As far as "gathering wreckage", what the hell is wrong with these people?! Maybe I am mistaken, but if a UFO were to crash, wouldn't the local constabulary cordon off the immediate area and wait for the military to secure the crash site for further investigation? But the Dumbasses in charge of this "exercise", want kids to pick up alien material, possibly TOXIC alien material, and exchange it like they would David Beckham bubble gum cards? Ho. Lee. Shit. And I don't mean the Chinese actor Ho Lee Shit.

Then Step 3 of this Exercise in Dumbassery encourages children to "share and write about their experiences". Now isn't that sweet? Again, if I were eight and I had to write about this kind of thing, it would be brief and concise. My essay would read, "I saw the UFO crash and I shit my pants. Then I ran home like somebody put a rocket up my ass, screaming "MOMMY!!" The end".

Dumbasses.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Dead Grandma Left in Storage Unit! For 18 Years!

Best of Dumbass News

Have you ever seen that TV show "Hoarders"? 


Each episode features some Dumbass who has a serious problem disposing of stuff he/she has in his/her home and just keep stockpiling junk until the inside of his house looks like an indoor land fill. The squalor these people live in is frakkin' disgusting.

Some Crazy People Doctors say that hoarders suffer from some sort of mental disorder.

I say these doctors are correct.

Hoarders are fucking nuts.

I think the word "hoarder" comes from the Greek inhalusadhesivusalotis which translates to "I sniffed too much model airplane glue and now I am almost as smart as an amoeba". Keep in mind that this is a rough translation.


Hoarding Mom

When you saw the subtitle of this portion of today's story, you probably interpreted it as "a Mom who hoards". You would be wrong. It means "hoarding Mom" as in "that Dumbass Broad is hoarding her Mom!"

Who died in 1994.

This is a significant milestone in the art of hoarding, with many layers of Inter-Generational Dumbassery involved.

Let me splain.

You see, the dead lady was a hoarder. When she went to that Big House Whose Inside Looks Like a Landfill in the Sky in 1994, she was hoarded by her daughter, Bobbie, who was also a hoarder. The daughter later died but before she said the Big Adios, she told her daughter, Rebecca, about Grandma. Bobbie told Rebecca that the family couldn't afford to ship Grandma to her home state of Alabama for burial, so she (Bobbie) put Grandma in a storage facility! Yes! Like a U-haul storage facility where it appears she has been kept since her death in 1994! The cherry on top of this Dumbass Sundae is that the daughter/grand daughter, Rebecca, has known since last year that Granny was entombed, as it were, in the storage unit! My guess is that chunckin' a dead family matriarch into a storage bin is the Redneck equivalent of an Egyptian pyramid. 

I'm just sayin'.

Sworn to Secrecy

Rebecca said nothing about Grandma being in storage because she was sworn to secrecy by her Mother- that and being eat up with the Dumbass. You gotta give this Dumbass Bimbo credit where credit is due though. As she had promised her Mom, she kept her mouth shut about their little secret. Her lips were sealed so tight you couldn't drive a straight pin between 'em with a jackhammer.

You wanna know how it was found out where Grandma was?

The rent on the storage thing was left unpaid for long enough that its contents were set to be auctioned off! Just think about it, if Bobbie and Rebecca had only thought this thing through, their story could have been told on Hoarders.

And Granny could have been a star on another reality TV show, Storage Wars.

Yuuuuuupp!

Dumbasses.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Fake Cop Plays "Hide the Night Stick" w/Real Hookers; NYPD Hit Hardest

Best of Dumbass News

Dumbasses run the gamut of the human experience - from the poorest of the poor to the heights and glory of the Presidency of the United States.

Somewhere between those two extremes lie cops and also hookers.  Both make regular appearances on the pages of Dumbass News.

Today's story features a policeman and his pursuit of ladies of the evening.! Oh, the anticipation of it all is killing me, so let's not waste another moment before getting down to the nitty gritty.

The Nitty Gritty

On at least four occasions since the first of the year, a Dumbass named William Taylor has posed as an NYPD officer. Taylor was targeting hookers, threatening to throw them in the slammer. Unless they performed sex acts on him.

He used his status as a "police officer" the coerce those poor whores into doing something they wouldn't ever do. Work for FREE! I'm sure they'd gladly give a little tit for tat with a real cop, but how dare a Fake Policeman take advantage of these poor defenseless sluts! What ever will they do for crack money now?!

Apparently one of the prostitutes that Taylor had played "hide the 38 snub nose pistol" with called the hooker version of 9-1-1 (6-9-6-9?) and complained that turning an extra trick each week to recoup her lost income was not good on the old "groceries". It also cut into her cocaine use by 10%. But dammit, all work and no play makes "Sunshine" a bored harlot.

NYPD Ain't Happy


After laughing their asses off and knockin' out a couple of dozen Dunkin Donuts, the NYC cops thought about the call for a minute and said, "Hey! Some Dumbass is out there stealing our free hookers! Next thing you know he's gonna be getting free coffee and eclairs at our favorite pastry shops! Something must be done!"

Being a police officer is very often a thankless job and when some fake cop is getting all the free tunnel of love and possibly donuts too....well, it's more than a public servant can take. So, they did something. No, they did not put up a 24/7 stakeout on local donut joints, they did actual police work.

Our man William, the El Fake-o Cop, enjoyed the company of one of his coke-addled hoes that he gave her his cell phone number! Because he wanted to be her pimp! I am not now a fake cop (or pimp), nor have I ever been one or played one on TV, but leaving your cell phone number with someone you have basically raped is not a very good idea. The NYPD had the same idea as me and began looking in earnest for William.

After polishing off another few Dunkin Munchkins.

The Big Apple's Finest caught up with William and slapped enough charges on him that his new prison bitch name will be "Sparky", IYKWIMAITYD.

Epilogue

William Taylor the fake cop of New York City is a blight on humanity and should be dealt with accordingly within the parameters of the law. I think we can all count on the fact that William will be a favorite of many of his new house mates at Sing Sing.

Fart like a man while you can, William, soon you'll just go "poooooofff" when you break wind.

Have a nice day.

Dumbass.

Guest Post: "My Dumbass Moments!" By Zoe from "Behind the Mask of Abuse"

His Royal Dumbass, invited me to do a guest post on this here weird looking blog. I figured I didn't want to let him down. I couldn't help but think that he really is a Dumbass, if he’s inviting me to do a guest post. He hardly knows me or what he’s getting into. That just may be the epitome of Dumbassness.
I guess I should introduce myself I'm Zoe and I'm a blogger. *Everyone says, “Hello Zoe.”* My blog is not a funny one but I sure do love to laugh and banter, it’s good for the soul. What better way to laugh than at one’s own dumbass moments right?!

First I want to thank you Oh Great Dumbass for opening up this space to me. It looks a little different back here than what I'm used to. Did I follow the directions properly? Am I in the right place?!  On a side note, it could use a little cleaning. Have you cleaned lately?  I'm just sayin…

Okay enough stalling.

I’m ready to grace you all with some of my dumbass moments. Sit back, buckle up and hang on for the ride.



What was I blogging about? ;-)

Dumbass moment number 1:
I have no sense of direction what so ever. I could have driven to the same place numerous times and I will still get lost. Hell, if I don’t park my car in the same area every time, I would never find it. Where’s my garage?

Dumbass moment number 2:
Picture this, I'm 17 years old, (many years ago) sitting in the car with a big, mean, cud chewing drivers trainer sitting next to me. I'm preparing for my test to get my license. I'm scared out of my mind. (I'm not kidding when I said she was mean). The test begins. I adjust my mirrors and turn on the car. Can you see what I missed already? 

If not, maybe you need to take a test again.

I forgot to put on my seatbelt. 

Isn't that like driving 101??  It gets worse. In her cud chewing sort of way, she reminds me of the missing seatbelt, and I put it on. Now we’re ready to drive. (This gets better or worse).  I drive out of the parking lot and proceed to drive over a curb. Damn!  By this time I don’t even know why I continued the test, but in my dumbassness I did.

After recovering from the curb incident, we were finally on actual roads…uh oh…Now I'm really scared, and following every direction this “lady” is giving me, which leads to the next shall we say, dumbass incident.

She tells me at the next road to turn right. I, in my obedient 17 year old naive brain,I comply. Isn't that what you’re supposed to do??  Not in this case. I did though. I turned right and proceeded to drive down a one way street the wrong way.  How was I supposed to know there were trick commands?! Well by this time, it was over. I just wanted to get out of that car and climb under a rock.
This leads me to...

Dumbass moment number 3:
I mentioned above that I lack direction. At night it’s even worse. A couple of years ago, I was driving home from a friend’s house at night, the same route I've always taken. (Or so I thought) I got disoriented on my way, or lost. (Call it what you may.)
Once again, I turned the wrong way down a one way street right into a cop. (I didn't hit him.) His lights immediately went on and I pulled over, but facing the wrong way on the wrong side. Doh!  I 
was tres scared.

Thankfully the cop was very kind. I explained my predicament, trying not to let on how long I’d lived there. He saw that I was telling the truth. He did not give me a ticket. Bless his heart, I deserved one. 

He blocked traffic for me, so I could turn around safely, and he gave me directions to get me home. (5 mins. Away). He then had another cop follow me, to make sure I went the right way, and I'm sure to be certain that I really was sober.

Dumbass moment number 4:
I’ll give you a moment to stop laughing at me before I embarrass myself further………………Are you done? Have you pulled yourself together?? 

Okay. You over there, get a grip!

Since this is getting long, I will keep this moment short. (Maybe)

Hubby was teaching me to ride a dirt bike. I started to get the hang of it. I’d done a lot of short practice runs this day, so I began to feel somewhat confident that I could handle a longer one, and off I went.

Well, I was driving on my merry way feeling all proud of myself and having fun, when it came time to make a turn. Suddenly things got complicated. I shifted down to first gear. (Yes I said first gear) and tried to make my turn. Umm….I did not make the turn.

I don’t know exactly what happened, but the next thing I know, I'm on the ground, under the dirt bike, in shock, yelling for help, not able to move. 

When said Hubby and friends finally heard my frantic cries, they looked over, took a min. to process the scene from afar, and then proceeded to run to my rescue. (I'm sure whilst they were trying not to laugh.) 

I had managed to dislocate my foot. I was left unable to walk for months and eventually put in a cast. It may go without saying that I have not gotten back on the horse….err…umm…bike since. Hubby plans to get me back on it this summer. Wish me luck, or there may be another dumbass story coming. I hope not!

Do you have a dumbass story?  Don’t leave me all alone here!

There is hope.

Yours Truly, 
Zoe


Thursday, March 27, 2014

Chinese Dumbass to Airport Security: "I Have a Bomb Up My Ass!"

There are tons of good ways to get arrested.

We have covered some real doozies here at Dumbass News. 

One of the more stoopid things that lands a Dumbass in the Big House is bank robbery. The FBI, not to mention the targeted financial institution itself, tends to take a dim view of some idjit trying to make an unauthorized withdrawal through a felonious act. Besides that, banks have these really cool gizmos that observe the goings on of every damn square inch within its walls twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. They are called "surveillance cameras."  

Robbing a gun store with a baseball bat ranks right up there on the I Am About As Smart As a Yak Turd Scale as well.

While these are very serious crimes and warrant very serious consequences, short of killing another human bean, these offenses are not nearly as serious as say, oh I don't know, threatening to blow up an airport!
                      
No Bomb Up Here!

In. China! 

This kind of thing ain't exactly a barrel of laughs in an American airport, therefore I think it is safe to assume that in the Red Commie Pinko Peoples Republic of China such shenanigans would, shall we say, be frowned upon with great disdain. No, we shall not say "be frowned upon with great disdain", we shall say "get you turned into kitty litter", or as your Average Chinese Communist would call it, "supper".

Anyway, long story short....some Sino Stoopid Shit was at an airport in Beijing.

His flight to the Pinko Hooker Capitol of Communist China had been delayed for quite some time and he became impatient.

He really needed someone to talk to about his frustrations, so he located a Chinese Airport Security Person to whom he would air his grievances over the long flight delay.

The conversation went something like this:

Frustrated Commie Traveler: "I say, my good man. what seems to be the issue causing this most inconvenient delay in the flight to the Pinko Hooker Capitol of Communist China?"

Chinese Airport Security Person: "Why thank you for your sincere inquiry into this Most Urgent Communist Chinese Travel Matter, Comrade. I am sad to inform you that I don't fucking know."

Frustrated Commie Traveler: "In that event, I am compelled by Red Commie Pinko Peoples Republic of China Law to inform you that my anxiety level has reached Biblical proportions. That is, my anxiety would be of Biblical proportions if we believed in the Bible"

Chinese Airport Security Person: "Pray tell, amigo. How much disquiet are you experiencing at this moment?"

Frustrated Commie Traveler: "I have inserted into my anal cavity a very powerful explosive device."

Chinese Airport Security Person: "Come again?"

Frustrated Commie Traveler: " I have a motherfucking bomb up my ass, you cock gobbler!"

Chinese Airport Security Person: "I frown upon this behavior with great disdain."

Turns out that the flight delay to the Pinko Hooker Capitol of Communist China was because of a slow moving line at the security gate, which the Frustrated Commie Traveler deemed a waste of time.

So, after much bitchin' and moanin', an airport-wide Official Communist Chinese Airport Security Alert & Evacuation was issued and the Frustrated Commie Traveler was taken into Communist Chinese Police Custody where, among other things, his ass was searched for explosives! 

After an "exhaustive search" (IYKWIMAITYD) of the FCT's asshole, it was determined that no explosives were up there.

No word on whether there is "supper" in the dude's future.

Dumbass.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The Dumbasses at "Long Awkward Pause" Let Me Do a Guest Post!

Rarely do I ever refer to other bloggers as Dumbasses in a less than flattering light.

However....

At this moment, I find myself in the position of doing just that.

Why would I disparage another blog? Especially a blog that had a much larger audience than Dumbass News? (They could ruin me! Not that it would take much effort to do that, but still....)

Because they are fucking idjits! That's why!

When I see something that is about as worthwhile as a cocaine-addled spitwad, it is incumbent upon me to point it out.

That's what I do here. In case you haven't noticed.

Cocaine-adled spitwad is the only way I can refer to the dipsticks at Long Awkward Pause

They may be funny as hell over there, but they ain't real bright.

The reason?

They lost momentary control of their faculties and actually ASKED ME to write a Guest Post!

So, I did - featuring Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Dumbasses.

Read it here...

Look Out Dumpster Diving, Here Comes Doo Doo Diving!



Best of Dumbass News

The guy in the photo is a criminal

Bank robber? Nope.

Embezzler? Try again.

This man, Gary Moody, is a convicted "Toilet Pit Climber". 

And a Dumbass.

I am intrigued by the term "Toilet Pit Climber", so as a Professional Blogging Guy, it is my sworn at duty to get to the, er, uh, bottom of this.

As you may have guessed by now Our Friend Gary likes to climb into the pits of outhouses! Gary is a Doo Doo Diver!But!, you say, maybe Gary was plastered one time and did something extremely stupid - and disgusting. I wish that I could report to you that this is the case, but NO! Gary Moody is a Serial Doo Doo Diver!

And a Serial Dumbass!

Recently Ol' Gare was spotted by a nine year old boy after a successful session of doo doo diving, Gary's second known outhouse pit diving expedition. In 2005, Moody pleaded no contest to trespassing for the same offense. Since Gary's crime is not quite as common as, say, car theft, he was the first guy the cops went to for answers regarding this incident. The Portland Press Herald notes that special agent with the US Forest Service, William Fors recalled the case from 2005 and told the paper, "Based on the extremely rare nature of this type of activity, the fact that Gary Moody had a previous conviction for the same activity and the fact that Moody had a last known address in the Gardiner, Maine, area, I decided to locate and interview Moody,''

No shit?

As a resident of Augusta, which is so close to Gardiner that you could hear Gary fart, all my fears have been allayed since the US Forest Service is right on top of the very serious crime of Doo Doo Diving. As a matter of fact, the Augusta, Maine "metro" area proudly holds the distinction of having the lowest Doo Doo Diver recidivism rate in the entire United States of America thanks to the relentless anti-doo doo diving efforts of the United States Forest Service.

I shall sleep better at night.

Good ol' Gary was convicted and sentenced to 30 days, a $1000 fine and $700 restitution to the Forest Service for the cost of pumping out the toilet pit. It seems to me that Gary could have saved himself seven big ones if he'd just asked for a shovel and emptied the pit on his own. Not only could he have saved the cash for himself, he could have done the very thing he loves doing! What more could a criminal ask for?

I'm sure that this will be a subject of interest at Gary's kid's next "What Does Your Daddy Do for a Living? Day" at school. Does Gary dare take a Port-O-Potty to the school to demonstrate what Doo Doo Diving is all about? Does he say "doo doo" in front of a class of second graders? Instead of "Doo Doo Diver", should Gary use the term "Feces Farmer" instead? What's a Daddy Doo Doo Diver to do?

Here's my bit of wisdom for Mr. Moody: Flush the whole idea.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Gun Tattoo Leads to SWAT Raid!

I am a Texan.

I am also a Foreigner.

In Maine.

Or as Mainers are prone to say, I am "from away".

Away from what, I don't know, but they say that a lot about non-native Mainerds.

Except for people from the state in which Boston is located. Residents of this area are commonly referred to as "Mass-holes". With good reason.

While the Pine Tree State is a fine place to live and raise a family, it is also a great location for making fun of the way people talk.

I am of the firm belief that I am the only resident of this beautiful land that speaks like The Almighty His Own Self. For instance, take Down East Maine or as I call it The Lower Right Hand Corner of Maine. It is this region of the state that Mainers say stuff like, "Pahk the cah in the doah yahd and come on ovah heah and have some lobstah and buttah this Satdy." 

I think it is very unlikely that The Creator would speak in such a manner. I am positive that when God texted the content of the Bible to the Joos, that he explicitly said "Y'all should...", "Y'all shouldn't..." and "if you sin I'll slap a knot on your head so tall you'll have to tiptoe to scratch it..." and stuff like that.

Google Translate's God Language to Language of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Moses, Jim Bob and Other Guys Who Wrote the Bible must have been in Beta at that time. Thus the linguistic discrepancies.

Other than being separated by a common language, Texans and Maineiacs have a lot of similarities.

For instance, a love of and a respect for guns.

And tattoos.

And gun tattoos.

Imagine If You Will

In the town of Norridgewock, which is not in Down East Maine, but if it was it would be pronounced "Nodgewahk", some guys were hired to trim some trees for a utility company.

This was a bit annoying to Michael Smith, what with all the buzzing and Harley-esque sounds emanating from all those Husqvarnas. He was awakened from a deep sleep by the commotion. It was after all the crack of 10:00 AM.

To be fair to Michael, he works the night shift so being woke up by all this tree-cutting bullshit at 10AM is pretty damned early to him.

Anyway, Michael is now awake.

And he is pissed off.

So he goes outside and i a rather firm tone says to the Tree Cutting Guys, "Would you chaps be so kind as to refrain from raising any further ruckus whilst I am in a sonambular state?" 

Michael didn't really say that.

While I am not 100% certain as to what Michael did say, I am probably not too far off when I speculate that Mike's words to the Tree Cutting Guys was something along the lines of, "What the hell are you cocksuckers doing? I worked all fucking night long and am trying to get some motherfucking sleep here!"

It was at this precise moment that the Tree Cutting Guys noticed the gun tucked in Michael's waistband.

Police were called, assault rifles were drawn and much calamity ensued.

This is what the Tree Cutting Guys saw when Michael came outside to chastise them:


The gun is a tattoo!

Bwahahahahahaha!

Dumbasses.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Guy Does $2000 Damage to Motel Room Because There Was No Toilet Paper!

You remember those TV commercials for Motel 6 that said "We'll leave the light on for ya"?

What a stupid damned campaign. The "leavin' the light on for ya" part is cool. Catchy, memorable and annoying.

The part of that ad campaign that bugs me is that the guy who did the voice over for them was from Alaska. Nothing against Alaska, it's a place that has been blessed by Nature way yonder more than many places on Earth. Like New Jersey for instance.

But let's be real.

First of all, how many Motel 6s are there in Alaska? I'll tell you how many. One. That's only one more than Madagascar for Pete's sake! There four million Motel 6s throughout the rest of the country, why not use a voice over guy from Mississippi? Or North Dakota? Or New Jersey. Anywhere but Alaska. It's a minor thing but it pisses me off.

For Motel 6, I'll leave the Dumbass on for ya.

Idiots.

As you may have deduced by now, or maybe not because you are a Dumbass, today's venture into Dumbassville takes us to a motel. There are no strippers or drugs involved, so this ain't one of those stories.(Dammit) Most of us have stayed in a motel at some point or another, not only because we are cheap bastards, but for convenience. Convenience meaning "close to a liquor store". That aside, we stay at a place like Motel 6 and don't expect five star treatment. You sleep, you shower, you hit the road.

Unless you run out of toilet paper.

Like Dereck MacDonald.

Evidently Dereck had to go Number 2 and discovered he was out of TP. Now, I know this can be a stressful situation, having just pinched a loaf and you have no way to get your ass clean. I think, however, most of us could improvise our way out of this type of thing leaving the head with a clean ass. After all, necessity is the Mother of invention.

Dereck didn't see things quite that way and he went apeshit (pun intended). He went on a rampage doing over two thousand dollars worth of damage to a $39.99 a night motel room. His ass still dirty, Dereck plugged up the commode, flushed it and a flood that would do Noah proud ensued. Then he proceeded to "redecorated" the like only a man with a doo doo packed ass can do. He might as well shit two grand, because he ain't gonna make it up in jail at 38 cents a day.

How the hell difficult would it be to call the front desk and say, "I have a dirty ass and no Charmin, could you please send housekeeping with some? Quilted Northern would be fine as well."For Dereck, $2000 worth of difficult. Just a quick call and Dereck could have avoided this whole damn mess. The housekeeping people would have been more than happy to take Dereck some John Wayne toilet paper. John Wayne TP? It's rougher than hell and don't take any shit.

Dirty ass and two large worth of damage...soon Dereck won't need toilet paper. His ass will be cleaned by our adopted felon, Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams, IYKWIMAITYD.

I don't think Dereck will ever bitch about TP again.

Dumbass.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Hypnotize Dumbasses & Get Filthy Rich!

Best of Dumbass News

Boston.

Beantown.

At Least We Ain't New Yawk!

But We Wish We Had That Many World Series Championships.

Whatever you want to call it, Boston is a city that is as full of American history and tradition as any city in the country. Paul Revere, the Red Sawx, the Boston Tea Party and really exceptional Dumbasses - all part of Boston, baby.

For Example...

Chicanery in Chinatown

A 57 year old woman was in Boston's Chinatown doing a little grocery shopping when she was approached by three women. The women began asking the lady questions and after several minutes, one of the trio handed the shopper a plastic bag. They then instructed her to go home, fill the bag with a shit load of loot and meet them later at Boston Commons.

She did.

The lady filled the bag with a valuable necklace, a jade bracelet, her passport and $160,000 in cash! The Nice Lady then proceeded to the Commons where she willfully handed over her life savings to the three con women. The Nice Lady is a Dumbass.

I feel the need to jump in here and make a point or two.

Point 1) I may be in the minority, but if three strange Asian women were to instruct me to go home and cram a couple of hundred large worth of cash and jewelry into a Wal Mart bag, I'd have a tendency to become a bit suspicious. That's just how I roll.

Point 2) IF I ever reach a point in my life where my mental condition deteriorates to the point that I would even consider doing something so blatantly STOOPID, I hereby authorize anyone reading this post to promptly and mercifully put a .45 hollowpoint into my skull. I thank you in advance.

Keep Your Eyes on the Shiny Object

This same kind of crime has happened twice since the one above and all of the sudden the (I am not making the name of this organization up) Chinese Progressive Association (Commies?) has alerted its members "to remain vigilant when approached by strangers". That's odd, I tell my 5 year old daughter the same thing. The difference is that she seems to get it.

The Dumbass that heads up the Commies, I mean Chinese Progressive Association, says that he believes the victim was hypnotized by the three scammers. He backs this up with the solid evidence that his mother told him of thieves using hypnosis on their victims in his native Hong Kong. (No relation to King Kong or Donkey Kong)

That settles that! I gotta find me a How-to book on this Hypnotizing Dumbasses into Willingly Handing Over to Me Hundreds of Thousands of Dollars in Cash and Jewelry stuff.

Then, I am moving to Boston.

Chinatown specifically.

Supply and demand, baby.

Beantown supplies the Dumbasses and the Dumbasses supply me - with millions of dollars!

Put. Me. In. Coach!

Other Ethnic Groups

I see a potential trend here. If this kind of shit can be pulled on Asians, why not open up a market for Meskins, Eye-talians or Micks? Boston is a multi-cultural city after all. And I do not discriminate against any group. I don't care if you are the Mayor of Boston, if a person is a Dumbass (and from what I hear, the current mayor of Boston, Thomas "Mumbles" Menino is a Dumbass {and a Commie}) the person is a target, baby.

And I aim to please.

America! What a country!

蠢驴.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Canadian-ite Dumbasses: Fast Food Fooks Up Your Brain, Eh?

I was an unmarried Fearless Leader for many years before I met and eventually got hitched to Mrs. Fearless Leader.

In those days, I did all The Things Necessary for Survival, myself.

I cleaned my house, drank beer, did my own laundry, drank beer, cooked and drank more beer.

I'm a pretty good cook, but I don't do it much anymore since I got hitched to Heather, but back in The Old Days I was known to cook a damn good T-Bone, make a bad ass pot of red beans and put together some Mucho El Good-o Meskin Cornbread.

And drink a shit load more cold beer.

Let me tell you, it's hard work being a Single Fearless Leader doing all The Things Necessary for Survival and drinking all that beer.

To be honest, though, I didn't cook a helluva lot, just when I felt like it. Or when I wanted a T-Bone or a bad ass pot of red beans and a side of Meskin Cornbread. I often ate at fast food joints such as Whataburger, McDonalds or Taco Bell.

Fast Food and the Brain

I was making good use of my Google Fu Super Powers today when I came across an article on the effects of fast food on the brains of Human Beans.

"Researchers" at the University of Toronto have come to several interesting conclusions regarding this
matter.

Point: Just seeing fast food restaurants or their logos "not necessarily even eating it - can trigger impatience and make it more difficult to savor more enjoyable experiences like listening to an opera
or looking at photos of nature." <--- (Fox News/Mens Health) 

Counter Point: Now I don't know about you, but nothing turns me off to opera and photos of nature like the thought of a half dozen or so greasy ass tacos from Jack in the Box. On the other hand, the only opera I ever want to hear is one made up of Merle Haggard songs. Call me uncultured if you must, but to me that would be an Enjoyable Experience.

Point: The mere act of walking past a fast food place can fuck up your Financial MojoThe same U of Toronto Dumbasses say that when "participants were offered the choice between choosing a reward the next day or a slightly bigger one the next week", those people asked when standing by a fast food restaurant "were 40% more likely to opt for the smaller, speedier payout than those who were questioned near a full service eatery."

Counter Point: I don't give a shit where the hell I am standing, if some idjit offers me the choice of fifty bucks right now or sixty dollars in a week, I am all over the fifty Big Ones right now! Unless of course getting the cash flow is contingent on doing something stoopid like actually spending the money at the fast food establishment. This contingency is contingent on whether or not I have recently partaken of a Manually Assembled Relaxation Device (MARD), i.e., a Fattie. If this is the case, then all bets on when and where I spend the cheese.

Point: You know why McDonalds and other fast food chains use red and yellow in their logos? Because the combination of those two colors makes you fucking HUNGRY! In other words, it's a Marketing Ploy! 

Counter Point: Red and yellow, schmed and yellow...after a hawg leg sized MARD, a McDonalds sign could be Baby Shit Lime Green and I'm still hittin' 'em up for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a Big Mac and two large orders of fries. Fuck a bunch of "marketing".

There's a bunch of other "Scientific Evidence" supporting the claims of the "researchers" who put out this yak shit, but it's even more stoopid than what I have pointed out.

My Conclusion

I call bullshit.

I am of the Considered Fearless Leader Opinion that this study was actually conducted by the Crack Head Mayor of Toronto. 

Or a couple of Hosers who were heavily involved in the Mass Consumption of Molson.

And a not-so-insignificant quantity of Canada's Finest Herb.

That is my conclusion.

Dumbasses.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Cyber Crime Solved by Photo of Boobs On Internet!

Best of Dumbass News

Certain subject matter draws readers to this blog like a candy store brings in fat kids.

If you were to go to the "Dumbass Search" feature located in the right side bar and typed in nekkid, tattoos or boobs, you would come up with the most popular posts this blog has put forth.

I have written some outstanding articles dealing with other material, but nekkidtattoos and boobs are hands down the favorite topics of the Dumbass Horde. Hit up those three links and you'll see exactly what kind of perverted Dumbasses I get reading my award-worthy filth. You can thank me later.

I am all for nekkididity and sweater puppies, but tattoos, not so much.

So for today, boobs it is!

Positive I.D.

Usually when a crime is committed, the Bad Guy leaves behind some tell tale piece of evidence that leads directly to his identification. You know what I mean...a finger print for example. Some Dumbasses have even left behind their driver's license at the scene of the dirty deed.

When a crime is committed in cyber space, stuff like an IP address will lead straight to the culprit.

That is not always the case, however.

Allow me to elucidate.

For those of you in Washington, DC, that means "let me splain".

The Hacker

Down on the Sinkin' Sandbar that is Galveston, Texas, is a Meskin Dumbass named Higinio Ochoa. Evidently, Higgy is pretty sharp when it comes to hacking into highly sensitive data bases like those of law enforcement agencies.

He did just that to some cop shops Down Under.

The Aussie Fuzz was not amused.

After much highly technical cyber sleuthing trying to locate the taint stain that compromised their not-for- public-consumption data, the Australian authorities found their cyber way to an offshoot group of computer hackers affiliated with internet meanies "Anonymous".

This is where Ochoa come and a pair of knockers come in to play.

The Boobs Tell All

As much as I don't like doing it, I must reproduce a goodly portion of the source article for this post that I found on c|net.com.

"Ochoa allegedly used a Twitter account to direct people to a Web site when all the law enforcement information he'd supposedly hacked was on display.
Also on display was a picture of a woman, her breasts lowering themselves tantalizingly toward the camera, with a sign beneath them reading: "''PwNd by w0rmer & CabinCr3w <3 u BiTch's''.
Now CabinCr3w is the apparent name of an Anonymous offshoot. And the "w0rmer" part? Well, the Twitter account linking people to the site was @AnonW0rmer.
However, the photograph of the breasts apparently linked authorities to Ochoa -- because, taken with an iPhone, it contained GPS information. The information allegedly suggested she lived in Melbourne, Australia.
Further burrowing led the police to discover a posting on Ochoa's Facebook page that allegedly revealed his girlfriend was Australian.
The claim is that police have managed to match pictures of her that Ochoa allegedly posted on Facebook to the breast image."  

Amazing.

Astonished

I have heard of suspects being linked to crimes through DNA taken from cigarette butts, clues obtained from their curb side garbage and even tattoos. But I can say with 100% certainty, that, although I have seen several pair of nice, cuddly sweater puppies, I have never been able to identify a set of heat seeking missiles with nothing more than a cell phone camera photograph.

I am shocked and awed by the industriousness of the Australian cops in finding an exact match of the hooters in question on a small island in the Gulf of Mexico, a half world away. These guys are my new heroes.

I salute you.

As for Ochoa the Hacker, next time take a picture of your girlfriend's pelvic area tattoo. If you've seen one muffin tattoo, you've seen 'em all.

Unless the muffin is being chased down by the Wizards of Oz.

Dumbass.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

500,000 Page Views & The Dumbasses Keep A-comin'!

As I write this at 10:26 AM, EDT, Dumbass News accomplished a major milestone.

A. Half. Million. Page. Views.

Five. Hundred. Thousand.

500,000.

I don't know what to say.

Except thank you!

It was barely a year ago, March 5, 2013 to be exact, that I wrote a post extolling the fact that we had just gone over 150,000 hits.

A couple of months later, we surpassed 200,000 page views. 

It took us two and a half years to get to 200,000.

Here we are ten months later, and Dumbass News has garnered another three hundred thousand pairs of eye balls.

I'd Like to Thank the "Dumbass Horde"...

I want to give a big Fearless Leader Head Up the Ass Salute to you, The Dumbass Horde, for going above and beyond the Call of Dumbassery in making Dumbass News the World's Go-to Source for Stoopididity.

Thank you.

The Old Smuggle the Pistol Into Jail Up Your Ass Trick!

At Dumbass News we like to say that writing about Dumbass Criminals is like a flat change up right in our wheel house. <---A little Baseball lingo there.

OK, we really don't say that,I just made it up.

But I really like baseball and since Spring Training is in full swing (<---a little baseball pun there) I wanted to throw a metaphorical chin music at ya.

High and tight, baby!

That's how we roll here.

The Heat Is On

I have always been of the Considered Fearless Leader Opinion that when one is doing something illegal, one should not perform his illegality of choice in the presence of those who might, you know, throw his lousy ass in jail!

Oddly enough there are Dumbasses out there who are too fucking stoopid to grasp this simple concept.

For example, David Caruso the Drunk Driving Dumbass Not the Actor Guy was minding his own bidness quietly doing a little drunk driving one night when he happened upon a sobriety checkpoint.

So what does David Caruso the Drunk Driving Dumbass Not the Actor Guy do while he is in the line of traffic at the DUI roadblock?

He opens a can of beer!

In the Drunk Driving Bidness this is known as "I am going to jail anyway so I might as well go full tilt boogie". 

In the Real World, this act of defiance is referred to as "extremely fucking stoopid with the possibility of being a felony". 

A guy in Texas walked into a building with the express intent of committing armed robbery upon the occupants therein.

Problem was the building in question was a Police Station! 

When confronted by several well-armed Police Officers, the Bad Guy said (I am not making this up) that he was just kidding!

Now, while these are two fine examples of Doing Extraordinarily Stoopid Shit In the General Vicinity of Law Enforcement Personnel, Michael Leon Ward has taken this sort of behavior to a new level.
Michael Leon Ward, Pistolero

Ass Level, to be exact.

Fudge Packin' Heat

  • Michael Leon Ward was recently busted for speeding in North Carolina.
  • During this routine traffic stop, Michael Leon Ward became unruly with the cop who had stopped him.
  • Mike was subdued by the arresting officer.
  • With the help of a stun gun.
  • Zzzzzzzzzzaaaapppppppp!
  • It was then determined that Michael was in possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.
  • Go figger.
  • A trip to the County Lock Up ensued.
  • While he was incarcerated it was further discovered that Michael Leon Ward had an outstanding arrest warrant.
  • For murder! 
  • After being locked up for a period of time, Michael created quite a ruckus.
  • He was hysterical, screaming that another prisoner was trying to kill him.
  • Jailers responded to this incident.
  • That's when they found the gun!
  • In Michael's cell!
  • After much investigation, police ascertained that Michael had smuggled the pistol into the jail.
  • In.
  • His.
  • Ass.
  • The gun measured ten inches in length.
  • I can think of only one reason a man can conceal a ten inch pistol in his anal cavity.
  • Said anal cavity has been "enlarged".
  • Two words: Prison. Bitch.
  • Unlike Michael Leon Ward's asshole, the gun was not loaded.
Dumbass.

***Thanks to TSG ***

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Dumbass Romance: Sex In Tool Shed at Home Depot!

Sex sells.

On TV. In movies. In music.

On Dumbass News.

But for sex, like anything in in life, there is a time and a place for everything.

For example, your local Home Depot (More Saving. More Doing.) is a great place to buy a drill. It is, however, a piss poor place to get drilled.

Let me splain.

Tool Shed

Emily and Shaun are like millions of young couples across The Fruited Plain. They are young, of course. They are in love. And they are horny.

They are also stoopid.

Emily and Shaun recently made a trip to a Home Depot store in North Charleston, South Carolina.

Upon arrival they noticed a very nice tool shed on display in front of the store so they decided to take a look at it. They went inside. They closed the door behind them. They did not come out.
Emily & Shaun - Tool Shed Sex Havers

An Alert and Friendly Home Depot Employee noticed the couple inspecting the tool shed and thought, "Damn straight! My commission on this shit will be astronomical!" Actually, the Alert and Friendly Home Depot Employee did not use the word "astronomical" in his Official Home Depot Cartoon Thought Bubble. His exact word usage was "buttload". This is, after all, South Carolina we're talking about here. There are only two people in the whole state who can spell and/or pronounce the word "astronomical" - @ToddKincannon and his Golden Retriever, Noodle ( @TheNoodleK ). 

But, I digress.

Anyway....after several minutes the Alert and Friendly Home Depot Employee noticed that Emily and Shaun had not yet exited the tool shed. So he did what any Alert and Friendly Home Depot Employee would do at this point. He became suspicious.

And he called the Cops.

Laying Pipe

An inspection of the outdoor sheds turned up Craig and Bowden. Craig, cops noted, was “partially clothed; the top of her dress was untied, hanging at her waist.” Bowden was shirtless and “had his pants down near his knees; his penis was exposed.”, according to The Smoking Gun.

Say what you will about South Carolina in particular, or The South in general, but having a Rousing Session of Mad Monkey Sex in a storage shed on display in front of the Home Depot is not acceptable in Polite Society.

Getting a "hummer" in the storage shed on display in front of the Home Depot is OK, however.

In The South, we save Rousing Sessions of Mad Monkey Sex for the Plumbing Department of Lowe's. This is why it's called "Laying Pipe".

Any good Southerner worth his weight in salt knows that.

Dumbasses.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Daughter Attacks Her Mom With a Dildocular Object!

Most of are pretty fortunate to have (or had, if she has gone on to her Reward) good Moms.

I, for one, realize that Ma Fearless Leader is a keeper.

I have done some stoopid shit in my life and Ma has always been there for me when other family members and people who I thought were my friends abandoned me like Preznit Stomp Feet has dumped (on) our Constitution.

Don't get me wrong, Ma FL didn't always treat me like "Poor Baby Fearless Leader", she has lit my ass up more times than I care to mention.

Still she did it with love.

And a cast iron skillet to the skull.

Please understand I will tell anyone, anytime to politely "go lick a sweaty swamp donkey's nut sack". Including Preznit Head Up His Ass. But not my Mom, the Pope or the Reverend Billy Graham. <--- Dumbass News, Rule 1.

There are, however, Dumbasses who, shall we say, have very little respect for their Maternal Parentage. No, we shall say that some Dumbasses need their spleen extracted. Through their asshole. By the Barbed Cock of Satan.

Cara Claffy (say that three times real fast) is just such a Dumbass.
Vibrator Vigilante

Cara and her mother Sheryl got into a verbal altercation.

This argument escalated rather quickly, with the outcome being blood streaming down Sheryl's face.

As the result of being clobbered on the cranium by a VIBRATOR!

This story takes place in The Land of Entrapment - Nuevo Mexico.

I have lived in New Mexico and let me tell you that they have some very draconian laws with regard to beating your Mother to a bloody pulp with a vibrator.

One punishment for such a heinous attack is a sentence of six months of living in Newark, New Jersey.

And that's just for the first offense!

A second conviction for Assault With a Dildocular Object on Yo Mama carries a far stiffer penalty - watching all twelve seasons of American Idol on continuous loop!

Oh, the savagery!

Isn't there something in the Constitution about cruel and unusual punishment?

It occurs to me, however, that our Founding Fathers never envisioned a crime as atrocious as slapping your Mother up side the noggin with a sex toy. Nor could the Founders have predicted something as God awful dreadful as Idol.

It should come as no surprise that this is not Cara's first run-in with The Law over domestic violence.

Did I mention that Cara Claffy also had a previous encounter with the criminal justice system over drug possession?

Color me surprised.

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip The Smoking Gun ***

Monday, March 17, 2014

Search Party Looking For Lost Tourist Joined By Tourist They Are Looking For!

I like to travel.

And explore.

I call this pursuit of Places Yet Seen "Grabbin' Some Yonder".

While I am not an International Traveler (unless you count a quick cruise through Ciudad Jaurez an "international" trip), I have been to 30 some odd states across The Fruited Plain.

There are many destinations outside the United States that I'd like to visit - Italy, China, Russia, Spain, New Jersey...

OK, I was kidding about New Jersey.

I've been there anyway.

I think another cool locale to spend a week or two would be Iceland.    
Experience Buowogf3qvbaw/oirokdoodoo Here 

Iceland has some cool stuff going on.

Like a shit load of active volcanoes.

And a Penis Museum. 

For real.

Other than the volcanoes and the World's Largest Dick Collection, another thing that piqued my interest in Iceland is a new reality TV show that shows a bunch of American Dumbasses searching for diamonds, rubies and other precious stones, not to mention walrus weenies, in remote locations throughout The Land of Fire and Ice.

Three Hour Tour

About a week and a half ago, a group of people, probably from New Jersey, were touring Iceland by way of bus.

Things were going swimmingly, the tourists were seeing some incredible Icelandic sights (and maybe the Penis Museum) and learning some basic Iceland-ite language.

Buowogf3qvbaw/oirok is a phrase commonly used by bus-riding foreigners (New Jersey-ians, in particular) when the bus stops for a few moments so the passengers can stretch their legs and take a shit.

Buowogf3qvbaw/oirok, by the way, means "where the fuck are we?" in the Icelandiastani tongue.

Buowogf3qvbaw/oirok is not to be confused with another popular Icelandic phrase Buowogf3qvbaw/oirokdoodoo - "I am about to experience an ass explosion that would rival a nuclear weapon detonation, where's the fucking toilet?" 

Missing Tourist

Anyway, the tour bus loaded with New Jersicans and Other Assorted Dumbasses made a scheduled pit stop for pooping and the inevitable Buowogf3qvbaw/oirok. 

As the passengers were re-boarding the bus a head count was taken.

Horror of horrors, a passenger was missing!

It is appropriate at times like this for Icelanderians to exclaim, pijgt3wgheagangrtus!"

Loosely translated, this means, "Holy shit, we've misplaced a New Jerseyfarian!"

After about an hour of waiting for the Lost New JerseyHeifer to return to the tour group, the driver called the Police and a search party of about fifty people (bus passengers and cops) was formed.

Including the lady the search party was looking for!

It seems that during the rest stop, the Lost Housewife of New Jersey had taken time for a Buowogf3qvbaw/oirokdoodoo and had changed clothes so none of the other tourists nor the bus driver recognized her! 

After much unsuccessful search partying, gnashing of the teeth and pijgt3wgheagangrtus-shouting, it was determined that the number passengers counted during the re-boarding process had been miscalculated!

So, like a good Buowogf3qvbaw/oirokdoodoo (translation: ass explosion that would rival a nuclear weapon detonation, where's the fucking toilet?), everything came out right.

As they say in Icelanderianite lingo, dingleberryousfaja.

Translation: Dumbasses.

***Hat tip to the Mother of the Most Handsome Grandson (Who Looks Like His Paternal Grandpa) In the World - Faith***

***Thanks to USA Today***

***Photo by Laura Bly, USA Today***

Sunday, March 16, 2014

30 Things You'll Never Hear a Southern Dumbass Say!

Best of Dumbass News

THE TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN DUMBASS SAY:

3
0. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.          


28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and lettuce instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who cares who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many mounted deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate.

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey! Here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN DUMBASS SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole bus load of us down to WATCH THE BALLET PERFORM TODAY!!!

***Thanks to Uncle Robert***

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Hunter Shoots At, Misses Moose, Blasts Old Guy Sitting On the Toilet!

Best of Dumbass News

I am a Texan.

I now live in a Foreign Land....Maine.

Moose are a Big Deal up here.

Such a Big Deal that in 1979, moose were declared the State Animal of Maine.

Known to the Scientific Community as alces alces, which means "Big Hairy Fucker With a Large Rack on Its Head" or alternatively, "Mother in Law", moose play a big part in the culture and history of The Pine Tree State. Moose are hunted, eaten and photographed here more than almost any other creature - the exceptions being lobsters and the Great New England Jackalope. Moose occasionally get caught up in swing sets as well.

They also serve to remind Mainers that we are very close to Canada. Truth be told, a moose on the other side of the Saint Croix River can fart and it can be heard as far south as Skowhegan. True story.

Moose are one of the most sought-after big game animals in Norway.
Big Hairy Fucker With a Large Rack On Its Head

And not just for sex either.

Let me splain.

Scandi Goes Moose Hunting

A Norwegian Guy, whom we'll call "Lars", was recently enjoying a fine Scandi autumn morning of moose hunting.

After many hours of fruitless pursuit of the "Mother in Law", Lars, drunk on a cheap Norwegian beer called "Pabst Blue Husqvarna", came face to antlers with his quarry. Taking careful aim at the Big Hairy Fucker With a Large Rack On Its Head, Lars steadied himself and purposefully, yet gently, squeezed the trigger of his Instrument of Laying a Moose Out as Cold as a Block of Ice (his rifle). BANG! A direct hit!

Except it wasn't a direct hit on the moose!

The bullet intended for Lars' prey went astray, striking an Elderly Scandi Guy, whom we'll call "Thor".

At the time of the accident, Thor was in his home!

Sitting on the toilet! 

Taking. A. Shit!

Getting blasted by a high velocity projectile from a hunting rifle while pooping causes a few things to happen:

  1. Extreme bleeding from the wound.
  2. Obliterated innards.
  3. A clean Poop Chute. <---- This is called "Having the Shit Scared Out of You".
  4. A still-live moose.
Luckily, Thor's injuries are not life threatening and he's gonna be OK.


Lars, on the other hand, was cited for the Norwegian equivalent of "Being a Reckless Scandi Taint Stain While Trying to Shoot a Moose with a High-Powered Rifle and Hitting an Old Scandi Dude Taking a Shit Instead". 

Dumbass.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Woman Commits Crimes Against Testicles!

Best of Dumbass News

Oh, boy!

This is a good one.

Warning for Men: If your stomach turns or you experience extreme pain from mental images of gazebos (testicles, nuts, balls, family jewels)  being squished like rotten tomatoes, read no further!

Singing Soprano

This man and woman down in the F-L-A had decided to get a divorce, which in and of itself is not a pleasant experience.

Trust me one this one.

The guy thought it would be a good idea if he hid a ring he had given his wife.
Handy Dandy Gazebo Crusher

So he did.

The soon-to-be ex-wife took exception to his actions.

And by "took exception" I mean she put the Death Squeeze on his left gazebo.

You guys breathe in, breathe out, this is only a story. Ladies, wipe the damned smile off your faces now. Sadistic broads. Or ex-wives. But I repeat myself.

The woman also pulled a knife on the man and his left gazebo, threatening to kill him and use his gazebo as a foosball in a gay bar. This chick means business. If I were in this position, I'd be drawing the bitch a detailed map to the fucking ring.

Did I mention that this ring is worth 15 large? For you non-criminal types, as if there's some non-criminal types who read this blog (Ha!), that's $15,000.

Here's another thing about this deal. If one of my gazebos is literally in hand of a Psycho Bitch from  the Depths of Hades, I am thinking, and thinking very quickly mind you, "Ring or gazebo? Ring or gazebo?"

The Gazebo Has Been Set Free

I have no idea how, but the guy managed to talk the Psycho Bitch from the Depths of Hades into letting go of his gazebos. This whole pitiful ordeal took about two minutes to take place, but I can assure you that it seemed like two weeks to the gazebo grabee.

The cops finally arrived and arrested the woman for Assault with a Deadly Weapon and Abuse of a Gazebo with Intent to Lower the Sperm Count. A police spokesman specializing in Crimes Against Gazebos, then told the press that the woman had taken unauthorized pictures of a gazebo with red marks and bruises evident in the photo. That's just wrong.

When last heard from, the man was doing a Tribute to Michael Jackson, The Early Years tour around the country and the woman was in a gazebo abuse rehab group. Can you imagine the start of on of these meetings? Hi, I'm (insert Psycho Bitch from the Depths of Hades' name here) and I am a gazebo-a-holic.

I guess the old adage is true...a gazebo in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Dumbass.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Too Busy for Robbery, Manager Tells Bad Guys to Come Back In an Hour; They Do!


Today's Daily Dive into the Dumpster of Dumbassery reveals several elements of the plot line that assure its bona fides as a truly Dumbass News - worthy event:

  • Armed Robbery
  • Stoopididity
  • Quick thinking by the Good Guy
  • Chicago
  • Meskins
The Meskins in our story, Mario and Domingo, were sitting around the hacienda one day slamming down some cheap tequila (the kind with the worm in it) when boredom overtook them. They were bantering back and forth trying to figure how they could spice up the night.
Mario & Domingo, Meskins

The conversation went something like this:

Mario: "Hey, Domingo. This El Cheapo Tequila tastes like burro piss."
Domingo: "That's because that is burro piss. The El Cheapo is in that bottle over there."
Mario: "Ja ja ja!" (ed. note - the letter "j" in Meskin Language is pronounced like the "h" in Gringo Lingo)
Domingo: "Boredom has overcome me, Mario. Whatever shall we do?"
Mario: "I have an idea, Domingo! Let's hop into the '64 Chebby Low-rider, vamoos from the barrio, go                   find a Gringo Restaurant and commit a felonious act such as armed robbery!"
Domingo: "El O.K.-o, amigo!"

So Mario and Domingo had another shot of El Cheapo and headed out into the Windy City in search of a White Guy Restaurant (presumably Cracka Barrel) to knock off.

They found one - The Clifton Grill.

They go inside and tell the owner of the eatery, "I will kill you, I have a gun with me."

To which the Restaurant Guy responds, "I'm busy, can you come back in an hour?"

Mario and Domingo said, "Si, Senor".

I am not making this up.

The Dos Pendejos left and returned an hour later demanding $100 and food.

Have I mentioned that the "gun" Mario and Domingo claimed to have was a toy squirt gun?

The two were then greeted by the local constabulary and unceremoniously escorted to the County Lock Up where they will undoubtedly be playmates in a nice game of "Hide the Chorizo" with other Meskin inmates.

O-lay!

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Dumbass "House For Sale" Signs & Ads!

At Fearless Leader/Dumbass News Enterprises Amalgamated, we pride ourselves in being a diversified corporate entity.

I made that diversified corporate entity shit up .

The only "diversity" we care about at Fearless Leader/Dumbass News Enterprises Amalgamated is making fun of Dumbasses of all races, creeds, colors and sexual orientations.

If we haven't written anything that offends you, please let us know and we'll try harder.

Today's target: Realtors


And they felt the need to put this sign up why?

The lease agreement has a "Santa Clause".

This must be at the head of the class.

A gay old time!

Redneck version of "location, location, location!"

Only 28?
Hottest house on the market!
                                     

Cul de sack?

Entertainment value.

Next door to the house with the huge dick? (see ad above)


Dumbasses.

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