Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: July 2014 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Dumbass Photo of the Day: Shopping With the Kids at Wal Mart!

Keeping the kid nearby......


Dumbass.

Dumbass Photos: Divorce Dumbassery!

I have always been a guy who tries to find humor in even the most personal of crummy circumstances.

Like The Big D and I Don't Mean Dallas.

Many of you read this post from the day before yesterday where I told you of the impending dissolution of my marriage to Mrs. Fearless Leader. It is without a doubt a very painful situation, but what do you expect me to do? Wallow in self pity? That ain't gonna happen. There is too much life to live! Too much yonder to be grabbed.

I have way yonder more sunsets behind me than I do in front of me and I am gonna do my damnedest to soak up every ray of sunshine in every friggin' one of them!

It's (sadly) the end of my marriage, not the end of my life. 

This is simply a detour on Life's Highway. 

So, whaddaya say? Let's have a laugh!

Best of Dumbass News

You are more than likely aware that half of the marriages in the United States end in divorce.

While going through the Big D (and I Don't Mean Dallas) is rarely a pleasant experience, it is always the best idea to dissolve a marriage as amicably as possible.

It's also in your best interest to show proper decorum in a Court of Law should your divorce action go that route. Threatening cook and eat the Judge's children does not fall within the guidelines of acceptable behavior in a legal proceeding.

Everything I just wrote is unquestionably true.

Unless you are a Dumbass.

Dumbasses have an innate ability to turn even something as serious as divorce into a whole other thing.

Observe...




                                  Dumbasses & Divorce

A Rose by Any Other Name...

Cheaper to Keep Her

Yup.

Special Delivery

Luck Favors a Prepared Mind

Losing It All

Just Desserts


Easy Weight Loss

Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Cold.....Real Cold


Dumbasses.


Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Clothes Make the Dumbass Mugshots!

Even going to jail can be funny and/or ironic.

Observe.


Maybe not.

You are now!

I once was lost...

You should have shaved your ass.

In more ways than one.

Great? Not so much.

I bet you have.

Cross one off the List.

You just can't but advertising like this!

The last word.

Dumbasses.

After 15 Years in the Slammer for Robbing Store, Guy Robs Same Store Again!

Best of Dumbass News

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Many successful people will tell you that this mantra is the foundation upon which they eventually built their fortunes.

It is important to note here that a lot of prosperous folks are Dumbasses, but few Dumbasses are prosperous.

Take me, for example.

I am a Dumbass.

I am a Fearless Leader.

I am The Main Motherfucker of a Blogging Empire.

But, I am far from "successful", as in "rolling in the dough".

I am, however, doing very fucking well at "floundering in the depths of despair and poverty".

The Solution to my hopelessness would be for you Dumbasses to hit the "Donate" up in the top right of the page and actually, you know, donate a few bucks to the Lift Fearless Leader From the Depths of Despair and Poverty Fund. Five dollars a month (that's the price of two 40s, yo) from each of you would elevate Your Fearless Leader to a station in life that we Texans call Walkin' in High Cotton. 

The Other Side of Try, Try Again

When a man hones and develops a certain level of skill at something, it often leads to financial security.

Other times it leads to Social Security.
Christopher M. Miller, Loser

Or prison.

Christopher Miller of Toms River, New Jersey had an idea to perfect a much-in-demand skill for Garden State Dumbasses - armed robbery. 

With much dedication and enthusiasm, Chris set out to achieve his dream.

So he robbed a shoe store, tied up a bunch of employees, packed them into a back room and made off with his ill-gotten gains.

Then he got busted.

This was in 1999.

After his first foray as a Felon In Training, Chris had fifteen long years to ready himself for his next maneuver into malfeasance.

That's how long he was in the Slammer.

After paying his decade and a half debt to society, Chris was released back into the Outside World.

With the Taste of Liberty still tickling his taste buds, Christopher Miller did what any red-blooded American Shit-for-Brains would do with his new found Freedom - he immediately returned to the same shoe store he had knocked off oh so many years ago to reminisce.

And rob the place again!

He is being held on $100,000 bail.

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Mrs. Fearless Leader, MishMawsh and Other things Bad Ass***
***Thanks to CBSLocal in NYC***

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Hope Amidst Heartbreak, Time to Move On

Over the course of (almost) four years and 1500+ posts, I have rarely dealt with Heavy Duty Personal Issues on Dumbass News.   


Today I will.

Today's post will be personal.

Very personal.

If you came here looking for teh funnay, I ain't got it today.

Abrupt and dramatic change is taking place at the Dumbass Dome. 

Yesterday, after almost 10 years together, Mrs. Fearless Leader told me that my services as a husband were no longer needed. She asked me for a divorce.

While, like millions of other marriages, ours has had its share of ups and downs, I thought that we'd always have the wherewithal to overcome any obstacle blocking our path to Forever Together.

I was wrong.

There's plenty of blame to pass around as a result of this mess, but I, nor the Soon-to-Be Ex Mrs. Fearless Leader will be throwing shit each at the other simply because we can no longer maintain a viable marriage. (I think this is the first time in my adult life that I have actually acted like an adult!) She will still be my Best Friend, just not my wife.

Regardless, I am totally devastated.

I know that things will, over time, smooth out and life will go on, but at this moment in time, that light at the end of the tunnel looks like the fright train headed straight at me.

Other than the loss of a loved one or dear friend, this is the most overwhelming and depressing thing that has ever happened to me.

I am lost.

I am hurt.

I am confused.

I am not "all right".

That said, I am a pretty resilient guy so I'll bounce back and continue to cherish every sunrise that the Good Lord will bless me with.

I was just hoping to see every glorious one of them with Heather.

Alas, it was not meant to be.

I know deep in my heart of hearts, however, that there is hope amidst heartbreak.

After all, Hope springs eternal.

Doesn't it?

To be continued........

Dumbasses.



Dumbass Student Crosswalk!

Corss wlak.....


Dumbasses.

Dumbass Edjukashun: Parents Are Stoopid!

As a new school year approaches, a few thoughts... 


If you've ever been the parent of a child who goes to school, you, more than anyone else, know that kids occasionally get sick and have to miss a day of the Three Rs only to become the Fourth R, Rotten! But Rotten is another story for another day. When kids are too ill to attend school for a day, it's school policy that the parents of said sick child, upon her return to school, issue a note from Mom or Dad explaining Little Susie's absence. Fair enough. However! Upon reading the "my kid missed school because,,," notes, teachers have to wonder how the hell did Mom or Dad make it through school! Or if they even went to school.

Let me splain.

Prelude to Dumbassery

Some of the "excuse letters" that parents write explaining a kid's absence from school are sicker than whatever kept the kid home in the first place. And by "sick", I mean "stupid". Weeeellll, "stupid" may not be the right word to use here, but the phrase "dumber than a box of hammers" is pretty accurate.

If you send your child to a public school, withdraw him immediately! If you do not take prompt action today, it may be too late for your kid! I. Ain't. Kiddin'. Once you read some of the notes I have been talking about, you'll quickly realize that the tax dollars, YOUR tax dollars, used to fund public education might as well be spent buying Chevy Volts. Schools and Volts are both gubmint projects and neither of them has proven to be anything but disastrous, expensive and failures. I'm just sayin'. Having a hard time swallowing that? Then chew on this shit.

Parents of Skool Kidz Are Stoopid

OK, you asked for it and I am happy to oblige. Here are a few of the stupidest, most English-challenged pieces of work you have ever seen in your life. And that's just the Parents! The excuse notes are even more jacked up.

The following "excuse my kid from missing school" notes will be presented exactly as they were written at the time. I will not change a thing about them. BTW, thanks to ozzu.com for the excuse notes.

Behold the work of America's parents:

  • 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • 2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • 3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • 4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  • 5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  • 10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • 11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the *plum*.[words in "(  )'s" were crossed out.]
  • 12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Want more? Just follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Further Proof:

  • 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
  • 16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  • 17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  • 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  • 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • 20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
  • 22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  • 23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
  • 24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
I rest my case.

Lern to Spel!
Learn Your Own Damn Language, Dumbass!

If it seems that I am ragging on a boatload of parents, it's because I am! My advice to these Moms and Dads is to learn your own damn language - English! I understand that mistakes will be made when writing a note to school, a resume or even a or blog. Hell, I'm sure someone with much more command of the English language and the grammar thereof could go back through what I've written in the last few minutes and tear me a new one because of various errors. I can live with that. English is a tough language to get a hold of in many ways. Ask any immigrant or student new to English. Hell, ask an American the same things and see what you get?! And it's our native tongue!

My problem lies with what appears to me to be a lack of effort in coming anywhere near the proper use of spoken and written English. Did these goofballs just not pay attention at school? Did they even GO to school? Who is to be held accountable? Lazy students? Dumbass parents? Crummy teachers? The city school board who think throwing more money at a problem is the solution instead of addressing the problem head on? The State Edjumacation morons? How about the Feds? In a word: Yes times five. But each of the aforementioned groups bears blame in different "quantities".

Who's to Blame?

 And the blame goes to....(in no particular order):

  • 1) The Students - In the end, it's the kids' who are the ones who suffer, but it is they who've got to put their collective noses to the grindstone. It's not a very complicated thing, really. Go to school every day. Get there on time. Listen/Read/Write/Learn/Ask Questions/Study. Simple, huh? Oh! One more thing. When you are too sick to go to school and the time comes to go back, WRITE YOUR OWN NOTE AND HAVE YOUR PARENTS READ IT THEN SIGN IT! Whatever you do, for God's sake, DO NOT let your folks scribble a word! 
  • 2) Parents - Let me put it this way: Would you wants the parents who wrote those excuse notes to help YOUR kids with their homework? Enough said
  •  3) Crummy Teachers - This is not a cheap shot at ALL public school teachers. Over the last 50 years I have known and been a student of many outstanding p. s . teachers. They taught for all the right reasons, chief among a love of kids and a desire to pass on valuable knowledge that will ultimately be crucial at some point in life. In this group of great teachers I include the current/past teachers my little girls have/have had in their brief academic endeavors. These teachers are a priceless commodity to not only our children, but to the country as well. Well educated young people are the best hope for the future of our Representative Republic. That doesn't necessarily mean that everyone has to go to an Ivy League Bastion of Liberalism either. Trade schools and, in many instances, online "schools" provide superb curricula and very good instructors. My point here is to reward the teachers who achieve success with their students and dump the crummy ones like an Iranian Mullah drops a pork chop. Easier said than done? Sure, but when has ANY challenge been too much for the United States of America to overcome? Let's start with the young folks by giving their teachers the tools needed to educate our children. And more money ain't always the right solution to a major problem. 
  •  4) City School Boards - See Number 3, Crummy teachers. I could add a lot more stuff here, but it would take a week to type it all out. But good ole Number 3 up there is a great place to start. Simply substitute the word "school board member/administrator for the word "teacher" and you won't be wrong.
  • 5) State Dept. of Education - Again I refer to Number 3. For "teacher" use "bureaucrat", "professional public servant" (that's not a good thing) or "dumbass". They are all interchangeable.
So, get with the program, you dipshits!

And learn English!

Dumbasses.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Dumbass Photo of the Day: Greatest Fireman's Name in History!

A rose by any other name.....



Dumbass.

Firemen Try to Put Out Fire w/ Jet Fuel!

We (meaning "I") are always on the lookout for "hot" stories.

And by "hot" stories I naturally mean stories about raging infernos, arson-by-Facebook and penises stuck in toasters.

The common denominator in all these types of stories is of course fire

And firemen.

Fire fighters are highly trained individuals who selflessly risk their lives protecting their fellow citizens from conflagrations ranging from out of control camp fires to fully engulfed skyscrapers. Fire fighters are men and women who are blessed with an inordinate amount of courage and fearlessness

And, on occasion, Dumbassery.

There was a group of fire fighters in Washington going through some routine training exercises, staying on top of the latest in firefighting techniques and technology as well as sharpening their mad firefighting skillz.

Except this training exercise turned out to be anything but routine.


Sure the Fire Guys set some structure ablaze and went about dousing it with water.

Problem is that the flames were not being extinguished, they were getting bigger!

I am not now nor have I ever been a Professional Firefighter, although I have put out numerous camp fires and a few stove top skillet blazes. That being said, I'm pretty sure that this is not how things are supposed to go on a "routine fire fighting training exercise". It is therefore my Considered Professional Fearless Leader Camp Fire and Stove Top Blaze Putter-Outer Opinion that something was amiss here.

There are several reasons as to why I have reached this stunning conclusion:

  1. I am inclined to believe that when a contingent of Professional Fire Fighters set a structure on fire they are fairly confident that they will have minimal difficulty in bringing the blaze under control and eventually to a soggy conclusion.
  2. No matter how big a fire is, over the course of time water will eventually do to a fire what water in sufficient quantities will do to a fire - put it out.
  3. This brigade of Profesional Fire Fighters was actually spraying jet fuel on this fire!
Yep.

Somewhere along the way there was a malfunction in some fire fighting equipment that caused jet fuel to be routed through the hose that water was supposed to be pumped through.

This is a very good explanation as to why this fire intensified.

In Professional Fire Fighting Circles this is known as "The Big Oopsie Daisy." Or "stoopid as fuck." 

Dumbasses.


Sunday, July 27, 2014

Dumbass Photo of the Day: Dumbass Bathroom Renovation!

Dumbass fine furnishings.....



Dumbass.

Hobo Hotel: Drunk & Locked in a Port-o-Potty!

Best of Dumbass News

In late September, 2011, I wrote about a guy who got his jollies by diving for doo doo. At the time, I was certain that we would not encounter another story having to do with port-a-potties for quite a while. What the hell was I thinking?

Along comes this Dumbass in New Jersey to prove me wrong.
Hobo Hotel

Here's the Poop

Unlike the doo doo diver guy who was sober as a judge, this time our Dumbass was lit like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. From what I can gather, the 61 year old guy in today's story was simply using the port-a-potty to take a leak and somehow got locked in the toilet. He said he tried banging on the john's door and screaming real loud, but there was no response to his plea for help. So, like any drunk worth his weight in Budweiser, the idiot went to sleep in the port-a-potty. How a guy could sleep in a portable can is beyond me, but this guy must have been really plastered.

When he woke up he again began to make a lot of noise, which is what all New Jersey drunks do after they spend the night in a port-o-let. After all, the liquor stores open at 9 AM and this Dumbass was thirsty for breakfast... and in a large hurry. As a former Professional Drinker, I can relate to his wanting to get to the beer store, but I fail to muster up any sympathy for doing something as stoopid as passing out in a portable john, when I'm sure there are plenty of perfectly good bridges nearby that would make swell places to sleep...if you're a drunk Dumbass.

Even though he was late getting to the beer store, our Dumbass, whose name was not released (no shit?), was finally freed  from his Port-a-Prison, then taken to a local hospital where he was deemed OK to return to being a Dumbass Wino.

A spokesdumbass for the township told the press, "No one has ever heard of anything like this happening here." Who the hell does he think he's fooling with that bullshit? This New Jersey for God's sake and you guys call incidents like this one, "Friday Night"!

This story does have a valuable lesson for us all. Let's hear it straight from the mouth of police Lt. Christopher Brignola, "We are instructing our employees that from now on they are supposed to open the door and look inside before padlocking it."

Be sure to knock first.

You never know when you'll intrude on a sleeping Dumbass in a portable toilet.

Dumbass.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Dumbass "Hope & Change" Bumper Sticker of the Day!

I love a clever bumper sticker.

One of the best ones I have seen recently is on the car of a guy who lives in an apartment across the street.

It's is less than favorable to our current Dumbass in Chief. 

Hope and ....




Dumbass.

Rampaging Cattle Prefer Bud Light Over Miller Lite!

Best of Dumbass News

Ahhhh Summer Time. The season of warm weather, gentle breezes, backyard cook outs, cattle drinking all your beer...wait! Whaaaaaat the hell?! Beer-drinking cows? That's not the only Dumbass Detail about this story.

Beer-swilling bovine is not exactly a topic commonly brought up around the water cooler at work, but if the subject of cows drinking barley pop ever came up you'd think it would happen in a place famous for having lots of cattle - like Texas, Montana or Wisconsin. That is not, however, the case with this edition of Dumbass News.

A Moooooving Time Was Had By All

Imagine that you are having a few friends over to your pad for a BBQ and cold beer. Easy enough, it's Summer Time and that sort of thing happens this time of year. It's also inevitable that some uninvited Dumbass will hear about your soiree and stop by to ruin an otherwise good time. That's bad enough. But when the party is crashed by a whole herd, and I mean herd, of non-invitees, the damn thing goes to Hell in a hand basket real quick like.

Think about it. There you are swiggin' co' beer and bullshittin' with your buddies and all of the sudden a herd of cattle stampede into your back yard! That's the "dumbass detail" I alluded to up there^^^^? This incident actually happened in...

...in Massachusetts??!! You mean the home of Bean Town, the Patriots, Paul Revere and the Red Sox Massachusetts? Yep. That's the one.

Head 'em Up, Move 'em Out!

This ordeal took place in Boxford, Massivetwoshits when the police were rounding up a herd of cattle that had escaped their confines. As the (insert John Wayne movie title here) moment unfolded, the cattle decided to break ranks and head for the hills. Or in this case, someone's back yard.

The cops heard (pun intended; heard; herd; I kill myself sometimes) a shit load of screaming coming from the back yard and arrived to see the cows drinking all the party goers' beer! According to an officer on the scene, and I am not making this up, the bovine beer burglars "preferred the Bud Light to the Miller Lite." I
smell a marketing campaign for Bud Light coming up here.

Beef & Beer

I have come to a couple of conclusions after reading about this.

Conclusion 1: Besides the obvious Bud Light campaign yet to be gleaned from this deal, I am firmly convinced that some Einstein out there has already started making plans to keep his cow herd drunk and sell the meat as "pre-marinated".

and...

Conclusion 2: The next time I am having a party I will be serving my guests Miller Lite just in case there is a cattle stampede. The cattle can bring their own Bud Light.

I'm just sayin'.

Dumbasses.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Dumbass Fishing Cartoon of the Day!

Reverse psychology.....




Dumbass.

Fishing Dispute Leads to "Battery By Bass" !

For those of you who are newcomers to Dumbass News, you may not know that I am a fisherman and a damn good one, too. Fish.Fear.Me. So, when a story is Dumbass News- worthy, I jump on that sucker like a duck on a June bug. And guess what? I found a fishing story that is Dumbass News-worthy!

In the winter, many residents of the northern half of the country don't let frozen streams and lakes deter them from getting in a little fishing. They just get an auger and drill a hole into the iced up body of water, drop a line in that sucker and get after it.  Such is the case of a woman and two men who were recently ice fishing.

One of the Cardinal sins of fishing is to not invade another fisherman's space by fishing in the immediate area he is fishing in or to fish too closely to him. It's just common courtesy, but if that rule is broken, it could led to unpleasant  consequences like a shouting match, fisticuffs or worse. Like being assaulted with a trout. What???!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if you fish too close to another fisherman, he/she just might slap you upside the head with a fish. Fishermen are a serious bunch about their fishing hole being intruded upon.

For example, a lady in Michigan was ice fishing when she felt her fishing hole was intruded upon by two men. This is where the dumbassery begins.

The lady walked over to the men and asked them to turn their heads while she tinkled on the ice. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go and when you're fishing, the world is your outhouse. Not that I would personally know these things <coughbullshitcough>, but when Nature calls, you've got to do something.

But, I digress.

The lady tells these two guys she's gotta pee. The guys turned around as the Dumbass Lady requested, then she goes full tilt boogie bat shit crazy and smacks the two guys about the head and shoulders and the upper extremities of their bodies with a fish! I told you that fishermen are a serious bunch when it comes to "protecting" their fishing spot.

The cops were called and it was determined that the Dumbass Fishing Lady was pissed off because, in her opinion, the two guys had put their shanty (portable ice fishing hut) too close to hers and she felt that a flagrant fishing felony was committed according to the unwritten laws of fishing, so she bashed them with a
Yooper  Assault Weapon
bass.
                                                                                                               
There's a small matter that we haven't discussed yet.

We know that the two guys called the the fuzz and after being pummeled by a pissed off piscatorial perpetrator, these two Dumbasses refused to press charges! Holy mackerel! What a couple of pansies.

I wanted to come up with a witty ending to this post, but I am drawing a blank.

All I can say is that when you go fishing, be a good sport and don't fish too close to the other guy. It's really rude and some folks, like the Dumbass Lady in the story, get a touch peeved when that happens.

Besides, you never know if the other guy is packing a concealed catfish and he's willing to use it. 
I'm just sayin'. 
Dumbasses.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Dumbass Do Over: I Screwed Up Yesterday! NEW VIDEO: Dumbass Dancing on Power Line!

I really screwed up yesterday.

I posted the wrong version of the video below. The posted version didn't even show the GOOD PART!

I have further cemented my well-earned reputation as a Dumbass.

Here's a shorter clip of the same video that gets to the good stuff real quick.

Long-Time Friend and Well-Known Dumbass Matt Vaughn brought to my attention one of the funniest and most incredibly stoopid videos I have ever seen.

Be sure to watch it until the very end.

You will not be disappointed.




Do I need to say that alcohol was involved?

Dumbass.

***Hat tip to RadioConnectMusic ***

***Thanks to Dumbass Justin Creidle for pointing out my fuck up***

Dumbass Cartoon of the Day: Old Lady Pole Dancing!

I give her an "A" for effort.....



Dumbass.

82 Year Old Granny Steals From Childrens Medical Group!

Best of Dumbass News

Even as a Middle Aged Dumbass who has been around the coffee cup huntin' the handle, I am still amazed that so many people, although not nearly as many as even 25 short years ago, stay in the same field of work at the same job with the same company for so many years. I have noticed over the last couple of years through my Facebook contact with long time friends, that many of them work for the same school district or company that they started with shortly after I last saw them a million years ago. Those years, by my standard, are measured in Dumbass Years. A Dumbass Year equals whatever I say it does. In this case, 37 years ago equals a million Dumbass Years. Hey, they're my years so I quantify them how I want to.

For example, my Dad worked for the same company for 37 years and the only reason it wasn't more is because they shut the place down. He would have had 40+ years seniority, easy. I know some people that work for the same company that they did during the summers between High School years. I am looking at you, Randy Randle. :) I think.

Today, I present to you another Seasoned Citizen to whom we can all look up to and admire as someone who has the same job for her whole life and she is eighty-two years old!

Her name is Doris Thompson.

And she's a career criminal. I love the smell of persistence in the morning. It smells like a jail cell.

All About Doris

Doris - who has at least twenty-five aliases - has a rap sheet that dates back to before I was born! And I was born in 1956! Her criminal record dates as far back as 1955!

According to the LA Times, Doris "targeted doctors' offices. He said she would enter an office, hide until closing and search for keys to the cash box. He said she stole about $17,000.
Thompson was arrested at an El Segundo hotel without incident, Watt said, and police found evidence linking her to the burglaries.
Watt said a detective who had dealt with Thompson identified her from a video that allegedly caught her in the act. The detective recognized her distinctive hair, which Thompson wears in a stand-on-its-end electric style similar to boxing promoter Don King.
Thompson has a 20-page rap sheet dating to 1955. Burglary appears to be her chosen career.
According to court records, Thompson has been imprisoned at least nine times for burglary in Los Angeles and Orange counties. She first spent time behind bars in 1983, when she was 53, according to the records. It's unclear why they don't go back further."

I Hate These Walls...

Doris' current crop of troubles stem from an incident in which she hid inside a rest room at Children's Medical Group in Torrance, Cal-ee-forn-ya, then stole the place blind after she emerged from the can when employess of CMG had left for the day.

I was almost feeling sorry for Old Doris the Fucking Asshole Career Thief - after all she is somebody's mother and grandmother- until I got to the "Childrens Medical Group" part. One of the items she swiped from CMG? A device to test children's hearing. Lovely person the Old Battle Axe is, huh? Fuck Her.

Thankfully Doris is very old and with any luck her "career" has been "cut short" by this latest run in with the Law and Old Age. Maybe the citizens of Cal-ee-forn-ya won't have to support her sorry ass for too long and she'll be kind enough to, oh, I dunno, die soon.

I Couldn't Care Less

I know. I know. I shouldn't be so hard on this poor old lady. Bullshit! The old bitty has led a life of crime for parts of seven decades! And you want me to feel bad for her due to her current circumstances? Paraphrasing Richard Pryor, you are talkin' to the wrong Fearless Leader, mothafuckah!

Yes, Doris is a Child of God and is due forgiveness for her transgressions, but she can be granted all the forgiveness she'll ever get from the Good Lord His Own Self, not your Fearless Leader. My Forgive-O-Meter is broken when it comes to Doris Thompson. She has and deserves absolutely NONE of my sympathy or compassion. What's the old saying? Insanity is doing the same thing time and again expecting different results? Doris is beyond "insane", she's a Dumbass.

I think I summed it up rather succinctly way up there ^^^^^ somewhere when I so delicately said, "Fuck. Her".

Have a nice day, Doris.

Dumbass.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

People of Wal Mart Photo of the Day: Dog Days at Wally World!

Clean up on Aisle 3 please.....





Dumbass.

***Shamelessly Stolen from People of Wal Mart.com ***

Stuck Wedding Ring Removal Tool: Glock 9mm Pistol!

Have you ever had trouble removing a ring from your finger?

Me, too.

I have learned over the years that when I do a lot of strenuous work that involves using my hands for an extended period of time, like gardening, my fingers swell up just enough that taking off a ring ain't as easy as it should be.

I have used several methods of stuck ring removal with varying degrees of success - cold water, soap, butter and others that escape me at the moment.

A Dumbass in Bradford, Pennsylvania has come up with a ring removal idea that is sure to take the Dumbass Horde by storm!

Let me splain.


Is This Stuck on Your Finger?
All Purpose Wedding Ring Removal Tool














Wedding Ring Blues

For some damn reason, known only to himself, Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III (is that an Eye-talian name or what?) wanted his wedding ring off his finger, and he wanted it off there bad.

I'm not sure whether or not Alfredo used any cold water, soap or butter in order to get his wedding ring off his finger, but he was persistent in his quest to be ringless. After considerable deliberation, Alfredo finally found a solution to his dilemma!

Grab a hand gun and shoot the wedding ring off his finger!

Now, to the uninitiated, this may seem to be a bit extreme. And that's because it is, you Dumbass! Who in his right fucking mind would use a firearm to remove a wedding ring from his finger?! Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III, that's who!

Seriously, Big Al corralled a pistol, carefully took aim at his wedding band and BANG!

Problem solved.

Sort of.

Alfredo managed to blast his ring finger into oblivion, but there was a slight hitch in his plan. He blew his digit off, but the ring remained on the stump where a moment ago there was a perfectly good ring finger!

I guess it is necessary to the plot to inform you that during this whole deal Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III was, according to police officers who answered the call about a Dumbass shooting off his finger, extremely intoxicated. Ya think?

There's one more little twist to this story. Alfredo is employed as a prison guard!

Malespini has been charged with a bunch of gun-related shit and could end up sharing a cell with some of the very people he was paid to supervise. Can you say "prison bitch"? I have a sneaky feeling that if Alfredo ends up in the Slammer, the boys in Cell Block D will invent new ways to play "Hide the Sausage" with him.

Suggestions for Alfredo
  • For any future wedding ring removal, try cold water, soap or butter.
  • Don't wear a ring.
  • Don't stay married so you won't be obliged to wear a wedding ring.
  • Lay off The Sauce.
  • Next time, aim lower. Your nut sack would be a good place to start.
  • Have fun in Cell Block D.
  • And here's the obligatory "don't drop the soap" warning.
Dumbass.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Shocking VIDEO: Drunk Guy Dancing on a High Voltage Power Line!

Long-Time Friend and Well-Known Dumbass Matt Vaughn brought to my attention one of the funniest and most incredibly stoopid videos I have ever seen.

Be sure to watch it until the very end.

You will not be disappointed.




Do I need to say that alcohol was involved?

Dumbass.

***Hat tip to RadioConnectMusic ***

Dumbass on Drugs, Dumbass on Fire, Hazmat & the Car Wash!

Best of Dumbass News

I have traveled to, through and/or lived in over 30 of the fifty States in the Union.

North Dakota fills none of those bills.

For the Yoopers in the audience, that means "I ain't never been there." 

Therefore, I don't know a helluva lot about The Dakota On Top.

I do, however, know that North Dakota is home to less than 750,000 people and the do a lot of oil bidness there.

There is a small town of about 18,000 North Dakota-ites, most of them White North Dakota-ites, named Mandan. I have never before heard of this burg.
Can You Show Me to the Nearest Car Wash, Please?

Until now.

Thanks to a Dumbass.

I'd like to thank David Kissee for this.

Let me splain.

You see, David was having a grand old time doing some controlled substances and hanging out at the local convenience store when, shall we say, he "had a moment". No, we shall say that he "fucking freaked out", as is often the case when human beans ingest narcotics.

In his state of hallooganatin', David was 100% certain that a team of  Hazmat Guys dressed in chemical suits had poured some toxic materials upon his person. His skin was burning as though he had been dipped in sulfuric acid.

He had to do something!

I am sure that there a few remedies that would alleviate some of David's discomfort.

I am also quite convinced that dousing yourself in gasoline and setting yourself on fire is not one of them.

But this is exactly what David did.

It turns out that the very real fire consuming David's body was much more uncomfortable than the imaginary chemicals that the imaginary Hazmat Guys had soaked him with.

But!

As luck would have it, Fate intervened!

On the convenience store property was...wait...for...it...a drive-thru carwash!

Or in David's case, a Richard Pryor Memorial Haul Ass Thru So You Can Extinguish the Flames Burning Your Body to a Crisp Dumbass Wash. Bingo! No more fire!

With his skin not quite the consistency of a deep fried 59¢ burrito from Taco Bell, David somehow had enough snap about, or as they say in North Dakota "aboot", him to realize that he needed to get his ash ass outta there.

So he did what any lunatic who had just set himself afire would do. Call 9-1-1? Nope. He stole a car. 

A few blocks away, Dave ditched the car and further complicated his predicament by breaking into a house! Unfortunately for Our Hero, the homeowner was in the house.

Instead of setting himself on fire, utilizing a Richard Pryor Memorial Haul Ass Thru So You Can Extinguish the Flames Burning Your Body to a Crisp Dumbass Wash and stealing a car to escape from the intruder, the Homeowner Guy called 9-1-1.

David Kissee was arrested and admitted to the psych ward burn unit of a local hospital where he is currently undergoing de-crispification.

Which is a lot better than what he'll undergo in a North Dakota State Penitentiary.

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Mrs. Fearless Leader & NY Daily News ***

Monday, July 21, 2014

Dumbass Crime Cartoon of the Day!

No clowning around ......


Dumbass.

Dumbass Crime: Break Into Home, Sign Into Facebook, Leave Profile Page Open, Go to Jail!

Just when I feel good about the future of the United States.......

I mean Barack Obama is mandated by the Constitution to leave office on January 20, 2017.

Even though America's disastrous experiment with Socialism, i.e., Soft Dick Tater Ship and RINOS Without Nut Sacks, will mercifully come to an end, even what will be the Second Most Important Day in American History can not buoy my spirits when I think of what lies ahead for our country.

The direction of The Fruited Plain will be steered by the hands of young people like Nicholas Wig of St. Paul, Minnysoda.
Nick

Allow me to elucidate.

Nick was going about his normal daily bidness of planning to commit a felony when he came upon James Wood's house.

Nick soon discovered that Mr. Wood was not at home.

So Nick thinks to himself, "Egads! Nobody's home at this fine abode, what a most opportune time to perform an act of burglary in which to enrich my personal financial portfolio!" 

Actually, Nick really didn't think that. He really thought, "Holy shit! This stoopid motherfucker ain't at the crib so now I'm gonna break in and steal some shit so I can fence it and use the cheese to buy some crack cocaine from some local shitbag drug dealer!"

So Nick burgled his way into Mr. Wood's home and stole some credit cards, cash, a watch and shit.

While inside the house, Nick noticed a computer. As is the custom with Stoopid as Fuck Minnysoda Dumbasses, Nick signed in to his Facebook profile right in the middle of the burglary!

Now, this is all well and good and prolly would have gone unnoticed except for one teensy weensy detail - Nick did not sign out of his Facebook account!

He also left behind some wet clothes during the commission of his crime. I think that leaving behind wet clothes as evidence at a crime scene is also a Stoopid as Fuck Minnysoda Dumbass Tradition, but I could be wrong about that - although that is highly unlikely. I have been to Minnysoda and have personally encountered several Stoopid as Fuck Minnysoda Dumbasses. Therefore, I can tell you from first hand experience that one of these idjits leaving behind wet clothes at the scene of their criminal hijinks is well within the Realm of Statistical Probability and Likelihood. 

Anyway....Mr. Wood comes home to find out his home had been broken into and a lot of stuff was missing. He also noticed that Nick had left his Facebook profile open on Mr. W's computer!

Long story short, Mr. Wood contacted Nick through Facebook, set up a meeting at which Nick was gonna pick up the clothes he left behind after he ripped Mr. Wood off.

This meeting ended up not being in Nick's best interest.

He lost his clothes, his dignity (as if he had any to begin with) and his Freedom.

But Nick did gain two noteworthy things from this fiasco:

  1. A place to sleep, get three square meals a day and the meaning of "prison bitch".
  2. But more importantly, a place in the Stoopidest Criminals in the History of the World Hall of Shame.
Nick also unfriended Mr. Wood on Facebook.

Dumbass.

*** Hat Tip: HuffPo ***

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Dumbass Photo of the Day: KFC Witness Protection Program!

Yard bird camo.....



Dumbasses.

OMG! A Gun Tattoo! Let's Do a SWAT Raid!

Best of Dumbass News

I am a Texan.

I am also a Foreigner.

In Maine.

Or as Mainers are prone to say, I am "from away".

Away from what, I don't know, but they say that a lot about non-native Mainerds.

Except for people from the state in which Boston is located. Residents of this area are commonly referred to as "Mass-holes". With good reason.

While the Pine Tree State is a fine place to live and raise a family, it is also a great location for making fun of the way people talk.

I am of the firm belief that I am the only resident of this beautiful land that speaks like The Almighty His Own Self. For instance, take Down East Maine or as I call it The Lower Right Hand Corner of Maine. It is this region of the state that Mainers say stuff like, "Pahk the cah in the doah yahd and come on ovah heah and have some lobstah and buttah this Satdy." 

I think it is very unlikely that The Creator would speak in such a manner. I am positive that when God texted the content of the Bible to the Joos, that he explicitly said "Y'all should...", "Y'all shouldn't..." and "if you sin I'll slap a knot on your head so tall you'll have to tiptoe to scratch it..." and stuff like that.

Google Translate's God Language to Language of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Moses, Jim Bob and Other Guys Who Wrote the Bible must have been in Beta at that time. Thus the linguistic discrepancies.

Other than being separated by a common language, Texans and Maineiacs have a lot of similarities.

For instance, a love of and a respect for guns.

And tattoos.

And gun tattoos.

Imagine If You Will

In the town of Norridgewock, which is not in Down East Maine, but if it was it would be pronounced "Nodgewahk", some guys were hired to trim some trees for a utility company.

This was a bit annoying to Michael Smith, what with all the buzzing and Harley-esque sounds emanating from all those Husqvarnas. He was awakened from a deep sleep by the commotion. It was after all the crack of 10:00 AM.

To be fair to Michael, he works the night shift so being woke up by all this tree-cutting bullshit at 10AM is pretty damned early to him.

Anyway, Michael is now awake.

And he is pissed off.

So he goes outside and i a rather firm tone says to the Tree Cutting Guys, "Would you chaps be so kind as to refrain from raising any further ruckus whilst I am in a sonambular state?" 

Michael didn't really say that.

While I am not 100% certain as to what Michael did say, I am probably not too far off when I speculate that Mike's words to the Tree Cutting Guys was something along the lines of, "What the hell are you cocksuckers doing? I worked all fucking night long and am trying to get some motherfucking sleep here!"

It was at this precise moment that the Tree Cutting Guys noticed the gun tucked in Michael's waistband.

Police were called, assault rifles were drawn and much calamity ensued.

This is what the Tree Cutting Guys saw when Michael came outside to chastise them:


The gun is a tattoo!

Bwahahahahahaha!

Dumbasses.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Dumbass Street Sign of the Day!

Go left! 

No! 

Go right!




Dumbasses.

Lady Buys Wrong Lotto Ticket But Wins $25 Million!

Have you ever been in a convenience store to buy a soda, snack or whatever and think, "What the hell, I'll buy a lottery ticket" just for shits and giggles?

You patiently wait your turn, standing behind a homeless guy who smells like the north bound end of a south bound mule and stale Pabst Blue Ribbon, and you have made your choice of which lottery ticket you plan to buy. Then, out of nowhere the homeless dumb fuck pays for his Meister Brau 40 ouncer and discovers that he has a dollar's worth of change and decides to buy your lottery ticket! What are you supposed to do besides stand in line and buy the next ticket in that bunch? Fair enough. But the homeless asshole that bought your lottery ticket, scratches the gray crap from it and wins $500! Your $500! Almost. Wouldn't you feel, instead, like following him to his homeless guy cardboard box and kcikin' the living shit out of him? I would. But since that's not the Christian Attitude, I'd just call him everything but a Child of God and let him go about his merry homeless guy way and celebrate his winnings with other homeless guys. PBR for everyone!

I have actually had this happen to me before but insert "my little brother" for "homeless guy" and the story is basically the same. The little fucker (my brother) bought the ticket I wanted and he ended up winning $500, while I wasted my dollar on a loser. Since I am thirty-three years older than my brother and he was about six years old at the time, I decided that kicking his ass was out of the question.That's just how I roll. But I know I could've taken him out.
Mega Millions, Schmega Millions

Fast forward to today.

A little old lady in Georgia stopped by her neighborhood c-store to get her weekly Lotto ticket. However, the Einstein behind the counter (named Habib), a former AOL Customer service rep named Bob, rang up a Powerball ticket instead of the little old lady's usual Mega Millions. Nobody noticed this fuck up until the lady checked her numbers and found out that she didn't win Mega Millions. Dammit! Upon further review, the lady noticed the difference in the lotto ticket and compared her numbers to the Powerball numbers that night. 16? There it is. 41, 42. Both there. 50, 59 and Powerball 5 were also there! The lady had just won twenty-five million dollars thanks to a Foreign Dumbass who speaks little English and reads even less evidently.

Ain't that some shit?

I am very happy for the new millionaire lady and I am sure she's as happy as a pig in shit that things worked out like they did.

Just think about it. The lady is rich, the store that sold her the winning ticket got a nice bonus for doing so and the Federal Gubmint now has another wealthy person to tax the hell out of.

Dumbasses.
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