Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: August 2014 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Dumbass Nudist Camp Sign of the Day!

Detective work.....


Dumbasses.

Key to FLA Motel's Success? Nekkididity!



Best of Dumbass News

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The economic funk that has engulfed the country over the last few years (how's that hope and change workin' out for you?) has hit some industries harder than others. My guess is that the travel industry is being hit hard. I mean the price of a gallon of gas here in Maine is hovering between $3.50 and $4. I am not and economist, but that's gotta hurt a lot of bidness owners, especially the restaurant and hotel type deals.

That's exactly what has happened to a hotel owner in Florida. The economic downtown had him on the brink of shutting down his bidness. Then' like a good American during tough times, he came up with a solution to his problem.

Go nekkid!

The Real Fawlty Towers Resort Motel, 1-800-887-3870, Call 'em Today!
David Broad, not to confused with Stupid Broad and Broad Load, says he was this close || to putting padlocks on the doors of the hotel he manages, when the idea of going clothing optional came up and was decided to be worth the risk.

I am not sure about you, but where I come from "clothing optional" always means nekkid. And it's kinda funny that nekkid people like to hang around each other a lot. If Church was "clothing optional", except for the Priest or Minister of course, church buildings. mosques and synagogues would be splittin' at the seams with nekkid parishioners. I guess that would be OK with the Lord, because he sees us all the same way anyhow.

Back to Fawlty Towers Resort Motelthe nekkid hotel, the move to nekkididity has been a good one. They are no longer in danger of closing down because, like I said earlier, nekkid folks like to "hang out" (hahahahaha I kill  me) together, swimming, playing volleyball and doing the ring toss, if you know what I mean and I think you do. By the way, this is the area's only nekkid-if-you-wanna motel. No shit.

The Bottom Line

I wonder what would happen if other bidnesses followed to Nekkid Lead. It would certainly liven up a trip to the convenience store. Especially if it is manned by former strippers. Going to Sonic for a Foot Long would have new meaning.

Image the fun you could have with a trip to the fishing supply store if the employees were nekkid. The words "crank bait" and "plastic worm" conjure up some real doozies of thoughts. How about a new game for fabulous prizes at Dunkin Donuts called Make a Donut Hole in the Dough where the nekkid Dunkin Donut girl would sling a ball of donut dough at nekkid male customers....you get the idea.

Donut holes anyone?

Dumbasses.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Dumbass Motel Sign of the Day!

Rates by the hour.....



Dumbasses.

Dumbass Reasoning: No Toilet Paper? Destroy Motel Room!

Best of Dumbass News

You remember those TV commercials for Motel 6 that said "We'll leave the light on for ya"?

What a stupid damned campaign. The "leavin' the light on for ya" part is cool. Catchy, memorable and annoying.

The part of that ad campaign that bugs me is that the guy who did the voice over for them was from Alaska. Nothing against Alaska, it's a place that has been blessed by Nature way yonder more than many places on Earth. Like New Jersey for instance.

But let's be real.

First of all, how many Motel 6s are there in Alaska? I'll tell you how many. One. That's only one more than Madagascar for Pete's sake! There four million Motel 6s throughout the rest of the country, why not use a voice over guy from Mississippi? Or North Dakota? Or New Jersey. Anywhere but Alaska. It's a minor thing but it pisses me off.

For Motel 6, I'll leave the Dumbass on for ya.

Idiots.

As you may have deduced by now, or maybe not because you are a Dumbass, today's venture into Dumbassville takes us to a motel. There are no strippers or drugs involved, so this ain't one of those stories.(Dammit) Most of us have stayed in a motel at some point or another, not only because we are cheap bastards, but for convenience. Convenience meaning "close to a liquor store". That aside, we stay at a place like Motel 6 and don't expect five star treatment. You sleep, you shower, you hit the road.

Unless you run out of toilet paper.

Like Dereck MacDonald.

Evidently Dereck had to go Number 2 and discovered he was out of TP. Now, I know this can be a stressful situation, having just pinched a loaf and you have no way to get your ass clean. I think, however, most of us could improvise our way out of this type of thing leaving the head with a clean ass. After all, necessity is the Mother of invention.

Dereck didn't see things quite that way and he went apeshit (pun intended). He went on a rampage doing over two thousand dollars worth of damage to a $39.99 a night motel room. His ass still dirty, Dereck plugged up the commode, flushed it and a flood that would do Noah proud ensued. Then he proceeded to "redecorated" the like only a man with a doo doo packed ass can do. He might as well shit two grand, because he ain't gonna make it up in jail at 38 cents a day.

How the hell difficult would it be to call the front desk and say, "I have a dirty ass and no Charmin, could you please send housekeeping with some? Quilted Northern would be fine as well."For Dereck, $2000 worth of difficult. Just a quick call and Dereck could have avoided this whole damn mess. The housekeeping people would have been more than happy to take Dereck some John Wayne toilet paper. John Wayne TP? It's rougher than hell and don't take any shit.

Dirty ass and two large worth of damage...soon Dereck won't need toilet paper. His ass will be cleaned by our adopted felon, Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams, IYKWIMAITYD.

I don't think Dereck will ever bitch about TP again.

Dumbass.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Dumbass Fire Safety Tip!

Use Facebook instead.....



Dumbass.

FAIL: Setting Yourself On Fire for the Ice Bucket Challenge! (w/3 Alarm Video!)

Messed Up Ice Bucket Challenge
The Big Thang going on all over the Triple Dub (www.) is the ALS Lou Gehrig's Disease) Ice Bucket Challenge.

This is where seemingly normal people allow a friend or family member to drench him'her with a bucket full of ice water.

This is not as stoopid as it may appear at first glance.

Once icicle-ified, the now-frozen Dumbass challenges other non-frozen Dumbasses to get icicle-ified also.

There is good and there is bad that comes from icicle-ified in such a manor.

The Bad: Male Icicle-ees learn very quickly just how fast his testicles are able to retreat to the warm of anywhere that is not his nutsack. This phenomenon is what is known as Rapid Gazebo Retreat.

The Good: Actually, The Good should be referred to as The Great! This is because each Dumbass that does not experience the maximum effects of Rapid Gazebo Retreat Traumatic Disorder (or the Female Dumbass equivalent thereof) makes a donation to the ALS Association which will help in finding a cure for this horrible disease.

Nice job, Dumbasses!

Except for this guy:



Yes, Dumbasses, he set himself on fire on purpose!

There are at least a few lessons to be learned here:

  1. One should never use grain alcohol as an accelerant to intentionally set your skull ablaze.
  2. If you are drunk enough to willingly perform an act of arson on your own head (even if for a charitable cause), make sure the Stoopid Fuck designated to extinguish your flaming follicles actually pours the water directly onto the fire!
  3. Once you are ignited, never, I repeat never run away screaming like a bitch from the one thing (water) that will save you from being a Deep Fried Dumbass.
  4. This guy is a well-trained Professional Dumbass. And a drunk.
  5. Do not try this at home.
Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Long Time Friend & a Real Smart Dumbass, Jim Lawrence, Nimitz High School, Class of 1975**

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Ooga Booga Booga! How to Scare an Anti-Gun Dumbass Pansy!

Boooooooo!!!!!!!



Dumbasses.

***Hat Tip to My Cousin Tim Oneal***

Back to School: Dumbass School Lunch Menus!

Hear that?

I don't either.

SILENCE! 

It's deafening.

Why so quiet at the Dumbass Dome? 

School started today!

Woohoo! Back flip! Summersault! Faceplant!

Like tens of millions of other kids, my two little girls went back to school today.

I refer to this time of year as Another Year Closer to Kicking the Kids Out of My House Time.

Bailey the 7 Year Old is now in 2nd Grade while her older sister Isabella is now at the Top of the Elementary School Food Chain as a 6th Grader or as she said this morning, and I quote, " I am now one of the Rulers of the School!"



Over the course of the next two hundred or so days, I'll be asked, Daddy, what's for lunch at school tomorrow?" approximately 183 bajillion times. The answer will be the same 183 bajillion times - "You can read! Go look at the School Lunch Menu attached to refrigerator. You know, like it has been every school day for the last 7 years!" (kindergarten included)

Since I moved to Maine and became Issy's Daddy a little over eight years ago, I have seen some weird shit listed on the Augusta School Department lunch menus.

These menu items sound innocuous enough, but I have seen some of the lunch ingredients that the School Cafeteria Ladies have to work with and believe you me, they ain't nothin' like what they are named.

For Example

Here are how a few items are listed on the school lunch menu and what they are really made of.

  1. Authentic Mexican Tacos - Shredded and lightly seasoned chihuahua on a fried tortilla.
  2. Supreme Pizza - Commonly referred to by students as Alpo On Dough.
  3. Cook's Surprise - Leftovers from the Homeless People's Kitchen. Surprise!
I found these delectables from School Lunch Menus from around the Fruited Plain.

A Menu That Will Live in Infamy

Without-a-Soul Food

Land of Cotton?

I Prefer Tequila Tostadas

USA! USA! USA!
Dumbasses.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Dumbass Titanic Photo of the Day!

Lettuce pray......



Dumbasses.

Dumbass to Live On Iceberg for One Year to Highlight Climate Change!

A Dumbass & His Iceberg
Aside from the people who make up this great country, I think that the Second Greatest Thing About America is the 1st Amendment to the Constitution - you know, the one about Free Speech and stuff.

The populace aside, The Greatest Thing About America, in my Considered Fearless Leader Opinion, is the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States. This is the that grants U S citizens the right to keep and bear arms against Bad Guys and (potentially) an over reaching Federal Gubmint. The 2nd Amendment is also a dandy way to protect the freedoms given to us by the 1st Amendment, in this case, the right to peaceful assembly. You'll see what I mean in a minute.

Some Americas take the "peaceful assembly" part of the 1st Amendment beyond its construed meaning and they do stoopid shit like, oh, I don't know, riot! Over Facebook comments! I feel certain that the Founding Fathers would disagree with actions such as this.

There are other Americans who take the right to have a gun to extremes as well. When guys like Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson wrote the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution, I believe that they did so for the reasons I stated above (self defense, etc). I fail to where being pissed off at a neighbor who farted in your general direction falls into the category of self defense, but the Dumbass in this story interpreted the ol' 2A differently than I did. That's why he is a now a felon.

Taking things a step further, the Constitution of the United States also gives you absolute, inalienable Right to Be Stoopid As Hell. By "stoopid as hell" I mean believe in the Big Steaming Pile Known as Climate Change.

Even non-Americans are getting in the whole Free Speech, Freedom of Assembly and Right to Be Stoopid as Hell Bandwagon.

Alex Bellini, a Nice Young Stoopid as Hell Eye-Talian Dumbass, has decided to show the entire population of Earth just exactly how stoopid as hell he is.

Alex will accomplish this goal by exercising his right to Peaceful Assembly - by peacefully assembling with an iceberg!

In this instance Alex will spend a whole year living on a giant piece of floating ice as it drifts aimlessly around the Atlantic Ocean in order to call attention to Climate Change.

This little adventure will also call attention to the fact that Alex Bellini has the I Q of your average garden slug. No offense intended toward garden slugs.

I've got to admire someone who believes so strongly in a cause, even if it is a bunch of horse hockey, that he would commit himself to such an ordeal.

I am also inclined to ask some Tough Questions.

  • The obvious first question is WTF!?
  • What will Alex eat for the duration of his Iceberg Regatta?
  • Dolphin-free tuna and organic arugula?
  • How will he sleep?
  • In an allergen-free sleeping bag?
  • On a faux polar bear hide?
  • Has Alex consulted with Les Stroud the Survivorman?
  • Don't icebergs sometimes, you know, tip over and shit?
  • It is a well known fact that icebergs do melt.
  • What then?
  • Is Alex a strong swimmer?
  • Will he take his water wings and Captain Planet floatie with him?
  • Peeing while on a dancing hunk of ice in the Atlantic is easy, but what about when he has to go poop?
  • I recommend freshly-clubbed baby seal hides for use as an ass wiper.
  • They're very soft on the hiney.
  • A Darwin Award with Alex Bellini's name on it is being engraved as I type this.
  • Good. Gawd.
Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to & Photo From: Treehugger.com ***

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Dumbass Financial Advice from Oscar Wilde!

Good way to start a retirement fund.....


Dumbasses.

Dumbass Advertising: Stoopid Billboards!

Guys who create billboards can never be paid enough.

Observe.....


Mel Tillis Billboard Company

$5 Foot Long?

For My Buddy Kev in Wisconsin

But I Am a Married Man.

PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals

Public Service Announcement

Squeal! 

Donuts ARE Sinful. Ain't They?

I Knew This One Would Be Here.

Double Bagged?

Dumbasses.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Photo of the Day: Dumbass at the Shooting Range!

Dumbass ear plugs .....



Dumbass.

Federal Bureau of Stoopid: Stealing Guns From an FBI Car!

I start off this post with a familiar refrain, "there is no shortage of Dumbasses that make finding material for Dumbass News easy as pie." Today another group of Duimbasses is highlighted as being the most deserving idiots available in being honored (snicker, snicker) as Dumbasses of the Day.

The unique thing about this story is the fact that it has a "trickle down effect". By that I mean that it started with a Dumbass at the Top and oozed down to a couple of other Dumbasses involved in the incident.

Burglary of a Car

Here's the deal...Dumbass #1 broke into a car parked in front of the car owner's house. He stole some shit. By shit I mean a submachine gun, assault rifle, shotgun and some other jazz. (The Jazz includes: a "Remington 870 shotgun, a Colt M16 and an H&K MP-5 submachine gun were missing from the trunk. A bulletproof vest and various magazines and ammunition also were gone." Thanks sfgate.com!) At this point, I am asking myself, "Fearless Leader Self, what kind of person would have all this military hardware in a car while it is parked in his driveway?" I'll tell you what kind of person would have all this military hardware in a car while it is parked in his driveway. An FBI Agent, that's what kind of person would have all this military hardware in a car while it is parked in his driveway.

Enter "Trickle Down".

A Whole Lotta Tricklin' Goin' On Out There

Scatter Gun
Now Dumbass #1 meets up with his compadre, whom we'll call Dumbass #2 (clever, ain't I?), and gives him the pilfered loot.

Now this dumbfuck has all this stolen weaponry and is looking to ditch it as soon as possible. #2 takes all the guns and shit, spreads them all out on his bed and starts the sales process. By way of text messages! Now where have we heard about Dumbasses sending texts that end up gnawing their asses off? Oh, yeah, I remember. There's the story of the guy selling dope by texting and one of his messages ends up on 10 year old's cell phone. The 10 year old's Grandpa is a State Trooper! Hilarity ensues.

Quickly recapping, Dumbass #2 got the stolen shit  from Dumbass #1 and is texting out his sales pitch to other Dumbasses. Finally, he makes a "bidness arrangement" with, you guessed it, Dumbass #3. #2 has several thousand dollars worth of military grade weapons and what does he get in return for them? $120 and an ounce of pot. Depending on the quality of the weed, it could go for as much as a few hundred dollars an o-z <---a little drug dealer lingo there. That adds up to maybe 500 bucks. Not only is #2 a Dumbass, he's a bad bidness man too.

Trickling Back Up  

Dumbass #3 screws up good enough to get busted and it was just a matter of time before Numbers 1 and 2 got popped and they did. That is what is called "climbing the ladder". Kind of like baseball, but instead of balls and strikes, we're dealing Dumbasses here. Also, there are no felonies in baseball. I think.

All three Dumbasses now face some serious Federal Pen time for stealing gubmint property and being in possession of guns they ain't supposed to be in possession of. It's just a matter of whether their new address will be in Sing Sing or Leavenworth.

Hopefully, our three actors will run into someone who can show 'em what a "sawed-off shotgun" is all about - our Dumbass News Adopted Felon Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams. When they "befriend" Leon, he'll show 'em what assault with a deadly weapon is all about.

Dumbasses.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Dumbass Kitten Photo of the Day! (For Austin, The Modern Philosopher)

My good buddy Austin, who lives up I-95 from me in Bangor, recently experienced the loss of his much-loved kitty cat of 16 years.

He was very, very sad.

Once again, however, happiness reigns supreme at the House on the Hill!

Austin the Modern Philosopher adopted two new kittens from the Bangor Humane Society!

In honor of this wonderful occasion, I celebrate the arrival of Luna and Cali to the House on the Hill with this:




Dumbasses. :)

Guy Flees "Drug Cartel Agents"! (Or He's a Crack Head)

Best of Dumbass News

Here's a Golden Oldie for y'all today, so the dates mentioned in the story will be out of whack with Reality.

I hope and trust that you Dumbasses had an outstanding 4th of July Week like we did here at the Dumbass Dome.

One of the Independence Day activities that stands out in my mind is the local 4th of July fireworks display, as it should be. The display took place smack dab on the banks of the beautiful Kennebec River meandering along side downtown Augusta. But this particular explosives extravaganza hit a little close to home. And by "close to home" I mean we were so near to the action that the shrapnel from the expended fireworks rained down on us all during the damn thing. A couple of people seated near us were nearly turned into Crispy Critters by falling fireworks residue - that was still on fire as it floated down to the ground. I ain't kiddin'. Some of the pyrotechnics didn't quite become extinguished as they fell to Earth and actually landed on people in the gathered mass of local Dumbasses.

Luckily, no one was injured with the possible exception of the one guy who ran like a scalded dog directly into the Kennebec River screeching at the top of his incinerated lungs something about "my fucking balls are on fire!" The local Fire Marshall had no comment.

Target of Drug Cartel Agents?
Patriotic Burglar

One thing I really admire about Mainers is their dedication to and pride in the United States. This is evidenced not only by the hundreds of 4th of July parades and fireworks shows held all over the state, even in the tiniest of towns each year, but also by the fact that the State of Maine has a higher percentage of Veterans and currently-serving military personnel when compared to the population as a whole, than any other state in the country. Why even the crooks up here are very patriotic, if not Dumbasses.

For example...

Marcus McCall of Bangor was doing his patriotic duty as a Dumbass Criminal when he broke into a house whose residents were celebrating Independence Day in a more conventional way. Well, Marcus wasn't exactly being a good citizen by doing a little breaking and entering on the 4th, he was in reality escaping the Ginsu-like canines of pursuing canines. So he thought. Or said.

Once safely ensconced inside the home, separated from the snarling beasts hot on his heels, Marcus called 9 1 1 on himself! I pulled this text from the Bangor Daily News article that will enlighten us all, I'm sure, "Officers Josh Kuhn and John Robinson responded to the residence and spoke to McCall, who was cooperative, according to Edwards. McCall told Kuhn and Robinson that he believed drug cartel agents were trying to kill him and were using dogs to track him as he ran through the woods alongside the Kenduskeag Stream, the sergeant said.
The officers found a smashed window in the house, but nothing had been taken, Edwards said.
Police could not confirm McCall’s claims and arrested him." (emphasis mine)

Could Not Confirm?

What the hell?! Maybe because the only "drug cartel agents" in Bangor, Maine are a few guys with names like "Lefty" and "Vic" who are "business associates" of their own Fearless Leader - Frankie Belavacqua, the Beast of Bangor.  I mean, c'mon! "Drug cartel agents" wasn't a teensy weensy hint that Marcus McCall just might be a bit, shall we say, disturbed? No, we shall not. We shall say, "fucked up".

I am not privy to the inner workings of your average vicious killer drug cartel organization, but I have been to East Dallas many times and know some vatos who know some vatos, if you know what I mean and I think you do. It is this intimate knowledge of the barrio upon which I form my Considered Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Opinion. My CFLOTDHO is that if it were actual drug cartel guys chasing after Marcus that the chase would be very short and Marcus would have been fitted very quickly with the latest in Manly Cement Shoe Footwear and summarily tossed into the Penobscot River. Or he could have been shot so full of holes that the Penobscot County Coroner would have been required to use a tea strainer just to get Marcus' fingerprints.

But all that is mere speculation on my part.

Bottom Line

Marcus is in the slammer and the Drug Cartel Agents of Bangor, Maine are once again free to terrorize the at-large population of the Queen City as they see fit. Life is back to normal in Bang-ah.

That is if the cops in Bangor can "confirm" that there are indeed "Drug Cartel Agents" in their fair city at all.

Or do I need to take these goofballs on a trip to East Dallas to meet some vatos who know some vatos?

I'll have to confirm that.

Dumbasses.


Saturday, August 23, 2014

Biggen Your Weenie with Olive Oil Injections!

Weenie Biggener


Best of Dumbass News

There's a guy in Thailand that no longer has a penis.

Many of you, mostly wimmin, are right now screaming "Yes!" and doing some form of the Watusi in celebration. The other part of this group of howling Dumbasses are a bunch of spurned goobers out in Cal-ee-forn-ya. On the other hand, every single non-homo guy reading this is at this very moment grabbing his crotch and holding it like a Mother cuddles with a newborn baby.

Now, there must be several questions running through your mind right now, the biggest of which is WTF?

Let me splain.

Extra Virgin

In Thailand it is evidently a common practice for men who want to enlarge their man parts to inject it olive oil! And here you thought all EVOO (extra virgin olive oil) was good for was to sautee mushrooms and shit. Now you know that it is also a well-known agent for ding a ling biggening.
with

It is also the source of many a pee pee problem in Thailand.

Let me splain that, too.

From what I gather from reading this article, shootin' up your thang with EVOO not only doesn't increase its size (go figger), this practice also is the source of some very serious penile infections.

As far as I can tell, Thai men seeking to attain porn star-sized schlongs actually go to backstreet clinics to get this shit done. Another take away from the piece in the DailyMail is that bee's wax, silicone and even paraffin are sometimes used in this procedure.

Oh, boy! Where does the line form?!

Adios Mr. Happy

The guy to whom I referred in the first line of this story was administered the old olive oil in the weenie injection by some back alley hack, developed a very bad infection in his doo hickey and was taken to a local hospital for treatment. Sadly, when the doctors were trying to fix this Dumbass up, they discovered cancer and had to remove his manhood, gazebos and all.

The attending physician was quick to point out, however, that the EVOO injection was not the cause of the cancer, but that this is still a very dangerous thing to do. No shit, Sherlock. You went to all those years of medical school to tell us that?

One more thing about this story that is the irony of ironies. And I ain't making this up...it took place in Bangkok.

Go figger.

Dumbasses.

***Hat tip to @Polliwogette on Twitter***
***Photo courtesy of the Daily Mail***

U S Gubmint to Dead Guy: We Have a Check for You!

Hey! I got my check, did you?
Best of Dumbass News

By many accounts, the stimulus package passed by the US Congress in February, 2009, has been an unmitigated Dumbass Move. Nineteen months after this monstrosity got the Congressional Okie Dokie, unemployment remains above 9.5 per cent, home foreclosures continue unabated and consumer confidence in the economy is almost nonexistent.

How, oh, how could Congress fuck things up any more than they already have? Just when you thought the answer was "things are FUBAR'ed", our Elected Dumbasses come to the "rescue" with something even more stupid!

Yes, America, members of our national government have been working overtime to figure out new ways to flush your tax dollars down the old crapper, and, dammit, they are doing a damn fine job of it.

The Federal Dumbasses at the Social Security Administration sent out stimulus checks at $250 a pop to 89,000 DEAD or INCARCERATED people! That's $22,250,000 - twenty-two million two hundred fifty thousand dollars- to dead people and Dumbasses in jail. It appears that the idiots at the SSA did not check their records to eliminate dead people and some inmates from the list of fifty-two million Americans the checks were supposed to go to.

Some of the dead people had not collected benefits in over thirty years and some would be 136 years old had they lived! Here's what some spokesdumbass from the SSA said, "Inaccurate payments are unacceptable. Social Security's Recovery Act payments were 99.8 percent accurate, and we quickly collected the majority of the inaccurate payments," SSA spokesman Mark Lassiter said. Being the inquisitive fellow that I am, I wondered to myself, "what is a "majority" of the inaccurate payments?" 70%? 75%? No! When the spokesdumbass said "majority", he meant "majority", as in just over half! According to my math, that leaves somewhere in the neighborhood of eleven million dollars of your money that some dead guy or criminal is spending for God knows what.

For some silly reason, I think the dead guys and crooks are more qualified to figure out what to do with eleven mil than our Elected Dumbasses.

Unless the dead guys are from Chicago. Those are the ones I don't trust.

Dumbasses.

**hat tip to dailyfinance.com**

Friday, August 22, 2014

Just For the Ladies: Dumbass Bumper Sticker of the Day!

You can't live with 'em.....


Dumbasses.

Funny Money in Indiana: Dumbasses Fall for Abe Lincoln on $100 Bill!!

Usually when we do a story like the one you are about to read, the Dumbass of the Story is easy to spot. However, today we are tasked with picking our Dumbass from a group of Dumbass Wannabes!

So, gather the family around whatever it is you gather your family around,  read the story and make a group decision! Take a vote and those who correctly guess who the Dumbass is will get a treat, such as an ice cream cone! Those who name the wrong person as the Dumbass of the Story will become Honorary Dumbasses themselves! It's a win-win situation!

Here's today's Dumbass Story:

Earl Devine of Lafayette, Indiana recently decided that he needed some money. 

So, instead of getting a job and earning some cash flow the old fashion way, Earl chose to take another path. He printed his own money! 

Counterfeiting is certainly a step in the right direction of becoming a Dumbass, but our friend Earl went above and beyond the call of Dumbass Duty when he printed some fake $100 bills with Abraham Lincoln's face on them! I am certainly no expert on everything that is on a $100 bill, but I do know that Honest Abe ain't supposed to be on one.
Obvious Fake

Ratcheting up the Dumbass to new levels, Earl went on a spending spree with the fake bills (here's where our 2nd Dumbass of the Day nominee comes in)  and fooled several merchants in town! 

Now this turn of events begs a question: What.The.Fuck?! I can only surmise that these "merchants" were products of the Lafayette Public School System. I can also surmise that the Lafayette Public Schools are run by Dumbasses. I'm also sure that, as we speak, the Superintendent of Lafayette schools is on the phone with the federal Department of Education pleading for more of our tax dollars to pay Dumbass teachers more money to "educate" and graduate more Dumbasses like these "merchants". Good work if you can find it, I guess. 

Earl's life of crime came to an abrupt halt when a bartender(!), who is probably not a former student of Lafayette schools, realized he had been paid with a phony $100 bill. He called the cops and soon thereafter Earl became a guest of the Lafayette Criminal Justice System. 

This story gets.even.better. 

When asked about the funny money by the local bird cage liner, "Detectives called the bills “excellent fakes” in spite of other errors, such as red and blue dots that suggested the bill was printed from an inkjet printer". It's now painfully clear to me that at least one detective is, like Earl and several local "merchants", a product of Lafayette schools. I just can't, and won't, label the entirety of the LPD as Dumbasses, but one of their detectives is the third nominee for the coveted Dumbass of the Day Award

In fairness to the local "merchants" I mentioned above, several other businesses in town and neighboring West Lafayette also received fake cash from Earl, so what the hell, they are potential Dumbasses, too.  

Here's my take: The whole damn town of Lafayette, Indiana is loaded with Dumbasses. Having said that, I guess I won't be getting a "Welcome to Lafayette" package from the Greater Lafayette Chamaber of Commerce should I ever decide to move there. I'll scratch Lafayette, Indiana off my "Where to Retire List"

Getting back to our story, the detective who made the "excellent fakes" comment about the $100 bills with Abe Lincoln on them, is not our Dumbass of the Day. This guy's job is tough enough without being tagged a Dumbass, a moron maybe, but not a Dumbass. 

As for the educators in the Lafayette School District, they are probably members of some teachers' union, so they can't be blamed for Earl's level of Dumbassery, they just do whatever the Union tells them to do. Being members of a  teachers' union is approaching Dumbassville, but the teachers, like the fuzz, have a thankless job and at least they are consistently churning out quality Dumbasses like Earl. 

The process of elimination leaves us with no other choice, as if there was another choice, but to crown Earl as today's Dumbass of the Day! 

Earl, you can pick up your award in 10-15 years. 

In regards to the apparent Dumbass Epidemic that plagues Lafayette, Indiana, I have a brilliant solution. Make it a mandatory part of certifying teachers and law enforcement personnel, that they go to bartending school before being accredited by the State of Indiana as a public servant. It seems that the bartender that busted Earl is the only one that knows that Lincoln is not on a $100 bill. Everyone knows he's on the fifty.

Authentic.


Told ya.

Dumbasses.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

I'm Rich! The "Nigerian FBI" Says So!

I recently got this in my inbox.

I know it's legit.

I explain why after the email.

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI)

HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON, D.C.

J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
REF: US/28028/8A28/11
ATTENTION:
FBI OFFICIAL NOTICE: This is to inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed an investigation with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring
Network System (IMNS), your email address was found in the Central Computer among the list of unpaid contractors, inheritance next of kin and lotto beneficiaries approved
to receive a part-payment of $5,000,000.00 Five Million United States Dollars. According to the record in the system your funds had been long overdue.
This is because some corrupt officials have been using the interest accumulated from your fund every year to enrich themselves without your knowledge.
Meanwhile, We want to make sure your funds is paid to you immediately via ATM Card which is the easiest and quickest method to receive your fund and also to secure and
protect your fund from being diverted by fraudulent people or making more payments to those corrupt officials.
We have completed this investigation and you are hereby approved to receive the sum of $5,000,000.00 as we have verified the entire transaction to be Safe and 100% risk free.
Therefore, we want to inform you that an arrangement has perfectly been concluded to effect your payment as soon as possible. However, it is our pleasure to inform you that
ATM Card Number; 7946 8678 0123 2210 has been approved and upgraded in your favor.
The ATM Card Value is $5,000,000.00 USD Only. You are advised that a maximum withdrawal limit of US$10,000.00 only is permitted daily. And you can make withdrawal in any
location of the ATM Center of your choice/nearest to you any where in the world.
Due to the fact that the funds has been converted into an ATM Card you will be required to settle the following bills directly to the Agent in-charge of your payment whom is
located in Abuja, Nigeria,. According to our discoveries, you will be required to pay for the following :-
* ATM Card Conversion Fee (Fee for converting the funds into an ATM Card)
* (ATM Card Delivery Fee)
The total amount for everything is $135.00 (One Hundred and Thirty Five Dollars) only. We have tried our possible best to indicate that this $135.00 should be deducted from the
funds but we found out that the funds have already been converted into an ATM Card and cannot be accessed by anyone except you "the legal beneficiary". Therefore, you will
be required to pay the fee's to the Agent in-charge of your payment via Western Union Money Transfer Or Money Gram so that he can deliver your ATM Card and approval
documents to you as we have instructed him.
In order to proceed with your payment, you will be required to contact the agent in-charge of your payment (MR. DANIEL MARK) via e-mail. Kindly look below to find
appropriate contact information:
CONTACT AGENT NAME: MR. DANIEL MARK
E-MAIL ADDRESS: dmark433@gmail.com
PHONE NUMBER #: +234 818 865 4399
You will be required to e-mail him with the following information:
FULL NAME:
PRESENT ADDRESS:
CITY:
STATE:
ZIP CODE:
DIRECT CONTACT NUMBER:
You will also be required to request Western Union details on how to send the required $135.00 in order to immediately deliver your ATM Card, and also include the following
Fund Reference Identification: EA2948-910.
This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of Investigation is authorizing you to pay the required $135.00 ONLY to AGENT DANIEL MARK via information in which
he shall send to you.
NOTE: In order to ensure rapid response, contact AGENT DANIEL MARK as soon as possible providing the required information needed from you above.
Congratulations in advance!!!
NSB Seal
Robert S. Mueller, III
Public Affairs Director - FBI.
NSB SEAL ABOVE
CC: United Nations Organization (UN)
CC: International Monetary Fund (IMF)
CC: World Dept Reconciliation Agencies (WDRA)


It's about time! I have been waiting for this moment for over forty years!

Five. Million. United. States. Dollars.

Suck on that, Corrupt Officials who for so long raided my account solely to enrich yourselves. You have finally been exposed for what you truly are - Big Old Meanies! But, it is I who shall get the last laugh! And I'll be laughing all the way to the bank! Bwahahahahahahaha!

The FBI was even kind enough to load the entire 5 million onto an ATM Card! Wow! How lucky can a guy get? Hell, I even got a Fund Reference Identification Number. And I bet some of you thought I was getting ripped off. It just goes to show you how stoopid some people are. I'll send you idjits a post card from my palatial beach home in Belize.

The best part is that all I have to do to claim the fortune that is rightfully mine is to wire via Western Union a piddling $135 to Agent Daniel Mark at the "FBI"s Field Office in Abuja, Nigeria! Color me impressed. FBI Agents in Africa are so ready to right the wrongs of those nasty old "Corrupt Officials" that they will verify my funds from half way around the world! And it's not gonna cost me but $135.

If you still don't believe in the veracity of this transaction, I have further proof that it's on the up and up. Agent Daniel Mark even provided me with a valid email address (dmark433@gmail.com) and a contact telephone number (234-818-865-4399). Now if that ain't legit, I'll kiss your ass in the middle of Downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd. Wooops! I've written those words twice before and they've and they've come back to bite me in my own ass both times. But not this time, Losers! Hahahaha on you!

Luckily for me, there's a Western Union vendor at the Rite Aid a mere quarter mile from where I live! The stars have aligned for me! No more Mr. Disabled Old Guy With Two Kids Under 11 Years Old for me! I'm finally somebody! A rich somebody!

As if I need further reassurance, the FBI's Field Office in Abuja, Nigeria sent copies of this notification to the United Nations, International Monetary Fund AND World Reconciliation Dept Agencies.

Enough said.

I'm filthy fucking rich and you are all a bunch of Mad Dog 20/20-drinkin' peons. Ha!

I do, however, have one small favor to ask of you before I assume my Rightful Place amongst The Elite. If this thing doesn't work out, could you please see clear to loan me twenty bucks? I'll pay you back next Tuesday.

Thanks.


Dumbasses.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Today Is My Mom's Birthday!



Today is my Mom's 76th birthday.

Without getting all sappy, and because I am ill-equipped with the right words to accurately express what a truly wonderful woman Ma Fearless Leader is, I penned a short note, that while not very eloquent, is from my heart of hearts.

I never would have turned out like I am without the unconditional love that you have shown me for the last 57 years.

You are the best human being I know, bar none. 

I love you with all my heart and cannot thank you enough for all the times you have repaired my wounds, both physical and mental. When I'm down about life, it's like you have a built-in mechanism that sends off a signal that I need you. Your love, compassion and support have been unwavering, unyielding....your guidance given with a gentle hand and a loving heart. 

I am eternally in your debt. 

Two simple words describe you, Mom - The Best

I love you.

P. S. Did you ever once think that your Bouncin' Baby Boy would grow up to the Fearless Leader of a whole horde of Dumbasses?

Dumbass Newspaper Headline of the Day!

Medical Science?


Dumbasses.

August Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Here's the latest from the Dumbass News Media Are Stoopid Fucks World Headquarters.....


I Guess He Won't Be That Much of a Prison Bitch Then

Let's Celebrate Bigguns!

"Bitch of the Month" Would Have Sufficed

Karma.

Have an "Open Season" on Them?

Pounded Into Submission?

Terror-assed?

Not-So-Little Debbies

Sucks, Huh?

That's Gotta Hurt.

Dumbasses.

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