Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: September 2014 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Meskins, Negroes & Lezbeans - Oh My!

I am a Texan.

As such I have been stereotyped as a "certain" kind of man, and it ain't always nice, by Dumbasses who a) don't know me from Barack Obama's white half or b) assume that just because I am from Texas and a White Guy I must believe certain things. 

Because of my heritage, some douchenozzles automatically assume:

  1. I am a raaaaacist. 
  2. I hate non-Americans, especially Meskins.
  3. I do not like, know nor associate with homos or lezbeans.
In other words, many (not all) folks in the more "progressive" part of our society call me a "Redneck". And I don't think they mean "Child of God" when they do.


Truth be told, I am Redneck and I am damn proud of it. I worked hard for over 40 years until my body betrayed me, sometimes at jobs I hated, providing for my family and doin' my damnedest to be a good Father and husband and pay my bills, sometimes failing miserably, sometimes succeeding beyond my wildest dreams. I love God. I love my family. I love my country. I love my Mama. I value life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and showing charity and kindness to my fellow man.

Yep. I am a Redneck. You on the other hand are a Taint Stain on the Underwear of Humanity.

All that said.....
Not a Typical Bro


Let me set the record straight (no gay pun intended):

  1. I have over the course of my 58 years had many black friends. Not just Negroes I Know, but honest-to-goodness friends. I have even actually been in a black person's home! I can assure you with 100% certainty that I have never owned a Negro nor have I ever committed any human bean of African heritage to indentured servitude. Unless they deserved it.
  2. As far as Meskins go....Meskins and Mexico have always been a pivotal part of Texas History, You know why? Because Texas was once part of Mexico! Until 1836 when we kicked their asses at San Jacinto and achieved Independence from the brutal Meskin Gubmint. Even some of the Gringos in those days were Meskin citizens! BTW, I speak, read and write Spanish. Short version: I know (and like) enough Meskins to make a Cisco Kid movie. I wouldn't have it any other way. Amigos.
  3. As far as Gay People go, I don't give a shit who you love and/or sleep with. What goes on behind closed doors at your house is none of my damn bidness. I do have one steadfast rule when it comes to Gay Folks ---> Lezbean pron (for research purposes of course) is required by law to carry the Fearless Leader Lezbean Pron Seal of Approval.  
Bottom line: I couldn't care less about your skin color, sexual preference, religion (or lack thereof) etc., etc., etc. I prefer to evaluate a person's place in my life by the content of their character, not some external bullshit.

Simple huh?

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go find a story about a Gay-Meskin-Negro-Lezbean to make fun of.

Must be the Redneck in me.

Dumbasses.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Dumbass Photo of the Day: The Gated Sidewalk

Decisions, decisions.....



Dumbass.

***Thanks to Moron Bill Cismar***

Gubmint at Work: $3.2 Million to Study Drunk Monkeys!

I have never been a proponent of Big Gubmint.

The Constitution of the United States clearly stipulates that the power of the Federales is supposed to be very limited in scope - securing and defending our borders, making treaties and a few other things. All other powers are to be relegated to the various states.

That said, I have no problem with some sort of Gubmint funded entities doing stuff like medical research that could (and often do) lead to treatments and cures for serious and infectious diseases.

That said, it really frosts my gazebos when our tax dollars are used for obviously stoopid shit.

Did you know that $385,000 of your hard earned contributions to the United States Treasury have been wasted on some very socially relevant programs like studying duck penises? Whoever came up with must have been thinking to himself, "Climate change, schmliate change! I just fleeced the United States Gubmint of 385Gs for the advanced study of duck dicks! Go suck Swamp Donkey Nut Sacks, Al Gore!"  

Ahhhhh, but pride goeth before the fall! Or in this case, the duck dicks go before the lezbeans!

Just when Mr. $385,000 Mallard Meat Guy gets all high and mighty about his "achievemnet", some Dumbass comes up with an even better way to scam some funding from the Gubmint! "Hey! While $385,000 for the advanced study of duck dicks is indeed necessary for the scientific advancement of our nation, I feel it is morally imperative that we conduct clear and concise research on why some Lezbeans become overweight alcoholics. That'll be $2.7 million, please!" 

Geez, this  makes me wonder what The Scientistic Community probe next that would further their cash grab benefit Mankind.

Oh, I know!

For a mere $3.2 million the National Institutes of Health will turn monkeys into to raging drunks!
The express purpose of turning apes into lushes is to determine how the ingestion of excessive amounts of booze will affect the monkeys' body tissues.

As a Patriotic American, Concerned Citizen and Former Professional Drinker, I feel it is my civic duty to step in here and offer my expertise and experience regarding this matter.

Dear N I H, 

Re; Effects of shit loads of alcohol on body tissues of monkeys

I'll be succinct.

It will fuck them up!

Sincerely,
Fearless Leader
Patriotic American, Concerned Citizen and Former Professional Drinker

There you go, America. That's how you save 3.2 million taxpayer dollars.

You're welcome.

Dumbasses.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Dumbass Fishing Cartoon of the Day: Role Reversal

Who will bite first?


Dumbasses.

Dumbass Fishing Weekend Pt.3: Testicle-Eating Fish!

Best of Dumbass News

I am a Water Guy.

When I see a body of water - a creek, a river, a pond or a lake - I think "Fish!"

I am a fisherman.

Fish. Fear. Me.

I don't like to swim, however, even though I am a good swimmer.

There's shit in the water that will fuck you up. Like snakes. Or alligators. Even some species of fish.

Just ask the people who swim in the Oresund, a strait between Denmark and Sweden.

Invasive Species

Some Danish Dumbass was fishing in the Orelund recently when he caught what was to him a very unusual looking fish. This particular fish was indeed a strange resident of these waters because it is native to The Amazon!




The fish in question is a red-bellied pacu, a cousin of the piranha.

As you can imagine, a fish of this pedigree can be quite a nusaince. Especially to unsuspecting swimmers. Let me re-phrase that - especially to unsuspecting male swimmers. You see, in it's native waters of the Amazon, the pacu uses its teeth to eat other fish as well as fruits and nuts that fall from trees hanging over the water. The pacu of the Oresund have also become quite fond of a type of nuts native to Scandinavia - the nuts in a man's ball sack! As Foxnews.com points out, in "Papua New Guinea the invasive species has reportedly earned the reputation as the "ball-cutter" after castrating a couple of local fishermen!" (emphasis mine) 

Henrik Carl, a fish expert at the Natural History Museum of Denmark notes that the pacu bite "because they are hungry and testicles sit nicely in their mouths." This is not unlike some hookers in San Francisco. But I digress.

Carl's advice to swimmers in the Oresund? "Keep your swimwear on if you are bathing in the Sound." My advice to swimmers in the Oresund is threefold:

  1. Wear a metal jock strap while swimming in the Oresund, or
  2. Run, or in this case swim, to the nearest dry land, you idiots!
  3. Do not visit Papua New Guinea for a wade fishing extravaganza.
Dumbasses.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Dumbass Fishing Cartoon of the Day: Gone People-ing!

The right bait is essential for a successful "people-ing" trip.....


Dumbass.

Dumbass Fishing Weekend Pt.2: Assault & Bassery!

Best of Dumbass News

For those of you who are newcomers to Dumbass News, you may not know that I am a fisherman and a damn good one, too. Fish.Fear.Me. So, when a story is Dumbass News- worthy, I jump on that sucker like a duck on a June bug. And guess what? I found a fishing story that is Dumbass News-worthy!

In the winter, many residents of the northern half of the country don't let frozen streams and lakes deter them from getting in a little fishing. They just get an auger and drill a hole into the iced up body of water, drop a line in that sucker and get after it.  Such is the case of a woman and two men who were recently ice fishing.

One of the Cardinal sins of fishing is to not invade another fisherman's space by fishing in the immediate area he is fishing in or to fish too closely to him. It's just common courtesy, but if that rule is broken, it could led to unpleasant  consequences like a shouting match, fisticuffs or worse. Like being assaulted with a trout. What???!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if you fish too close to another fisherman, he/she just might slap you upside the head with a fish. Fishermen are a serious bunch about their fishing hole being intruded upon.

For example, a lady in Michigan was ice fishing when she felt her fishing hole was intruded upon by two men. This is where the dumbassery begins.

The lady walked over to the men and asked them to turn their heads while she tinkled on the ice. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go and when you're fishing, the world is your outhouse. Not that I would personally know these things <coughbullshitcough>, but when Nature calls, you've got to do something.

But, I digress.

The lady tells these two guys she's gotta pee. The guys turned around as the Dumbass Lady requested, then she goes full tilt boogie bat shit crazy and smacks the two guys about the head and shoulders and the upper extremities of their bodies with a fish! I told you that fishermen are a serious bunch when it comes to "protecting" their fishing spot.

The cops were called and it was determined that the Dumbass Fishing Lady was pissed off because, in her opinion, the two guys had put their shanty (portable ice fishing hut) too close to hers and she felt that a flagrant fishing felony was committed according to the unwritten laws of fishing, so she bashed them with a
Yooper  Assault Weapon
bass.
                                                                                                             
There's a small matter that we haven't discussed yet.

We know that the two guys called the the fuzz and after being pummeled by a pissed off piscatorial perpetrator, these two Dumbasses refused to press charges! Holy mackerel! What a couple of pansies.

I wanted to come up with a witty ending to this post, but I am drawing a blank.

All I can say is that when you go fishing, be a good sport and don't fish too close to the other guy. It's really rude and some folks, like the Dumbass Lady in the story, get a touch peeved when that happens.

Besides, you never know if the other guy is packing a concealed catfish and he's willing to use it. 
I'm just sayin'. 

Dumbasses.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Dumbass Fishing Cartoon of the Day! Fart Fish?

Largemouth gas?


Dumbasses. 

Dumbass Fishing Weekend Pt.1: East Texas Assault Weapon: Catfish!

Best of Dumbass News

Long time readers of Dumbass News that I am 100% against violence.

Unless it is necessary to the plot.

By "necessary to the plot" I mean "two or more lezbean hookers screaming, "Spank my ass, Big Daddy!"

We have chronicled some extremely "unique" assaults over the past 3 1/2 years. We have discovered assault that stemmed from:
Today we shall enter uncharted waters in the Sea of Ass Kickin' (assault water of course).

Down in the East Texas city of Lufkin, a mom and her daughter got into an argument.

I have lived in Lufkin before and I can tell you with certainty that disagreements between moms and daughters are not uncommon in the Piney Woods.

Physical altercations are also not unheard of.

What is unheard of (until now) is the weapon of choice used during this confrontation.

So Ma and the Daughter are going at each other like a couple of hyenas fighting over a dead wildebeast when Mom gets really aggressive.

She picks up the closest object with which to beat the shit out of her kid.

The closest assault weapon is.....a catfish! 


East Texas Assault Weapon

While a baseball bat or a 2 x 4 are the preferred non-lethal tools of Ass Kickin', Texas Style, a catfish will do in a pinch.

And just like using a ball bat or a large piece of lumber, a catfish used to inflict bodily harm upon another human bean will also land you in the Angelina County Jail. 

Whether or not hush puppies and/or cole slaw are used in the commission of the crime.

Just ask Mom.

Dumbass.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Dumbass Bathroom Photo of the Day!

What's wrong with this picture?



Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to My Cousin Tim in Texas***

College Golf Team Displays "Putters" for Nekkid Calendar!

I have been in contact via Facebook with some long-time friends of mine back home in Texas who have kids starting college this fall. Their offspring will be attending fine universities like Texas A & M - Commerce and the University of Texas at Tyler. It's probably a good thing that my friends are very involved with their kids' education and helped the youngsters make a decision on the school that is right for them. My friends, and by extension their children, will be pleased that Bethany College in Kansas was not among their final choices of institutions of higher learning.

Let me splain.

Not too long ago a few members of the men's golf team at Bethany posed for a calendar. This was, however, no ordinary calendar! These young men posed nekkid using golf clubs to cover their gazebos and "putters". I have never posed for nekkid photos for a calendar or any other publication, but I used to be a scratch (no pun intended) golfer and I have gazebos. I therefore feel that I am qualified to inject (again no pun intended) my golfing and gazebo knowledge into this conversation.
Dumbass "Putter" Coverer

When trying to conceal one's "putter" for a photo, one should not use a putter (the golf club) in order to do so. The blade, of the putter would only hide a small portion of a man's "putter". Unless he has a small "putter". One should also consider the loft of the club (the angle at which it connects to the shaft), (again no pun intended...OK...maybe the pun was intended on this one). A pitching wedge, for example, has a loft that would be unsatisfactory in hiding one's "putter". A 2 or 3 iron maybe, but not a wedge. My choice would be a driver or a Big Bertha. Both of these clubs have large heads (OK, ALL the puns were intended!) on them that would most likely cover all but the largest of "putters". Of course, a head cover ( I kill myself) would be the most effective non-club option, but apparently that wasn't one the choices for the photo shoot. For non-golfers, a club cover is a sock-like gizmo that fits over the club heads of the woods (bwahahahaha) in a set of golf clubs that protects the club head from the elements and scratches, etc. That's the way I see it anyway.

These young men, their gazebos and "putters" (the clubs and non-clubs versions), were suspended from the first three tournaments in conference play for their shenanigans. Not for posing nude for the calendar, but for using the words "Bethany College" on it.

From the UPI story:
"School officials said the picture did not violate athletic regulations but the caption bore the words Bethany College, which officials said was an inappropriate use of the institution's name. I just want to make sure they understand life choices and consequences." 

Well hell! That cleared that right up, didn't it?

What would the staff at Bethany College do if one of their coeds was a stripper and wore a BC tank top while gettin' neekid? I'm just askin'.

The golf team bogeyed this one and ended up stymied by the college. Such are the water hazards of life for young people. And par for the course.

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Hamsters & Cigs: Dumbass "Why Do I Smoke This Shit?" Photo of the Day!

Light up!


Dumbass.

Tobacco: Gateway Drug to a Life of Crime!

It's very difficult to get a majority of people to agree on any given subject. Can we agree on that? OK. There is one thing, however, on which a vast majority of any given 100 Americans at any given time will rally together. Smoking.

Whether you smoke or not, we all know that inhaling or chewing tobacco products is not a healthy thing. I am not preaching here as I have been on both sides of the smoking issue. I smoked for a number of years, quit cold turkey and after twelve years of being smoke-free, my Dad up and died on me in 2004 and for some real stoopid reason I started smoking again. I have yet to stop putting daily nails in my own coffin.

Regardless of the health risks associated with smoking, some people who smoke run into trouble in ways not dealing with a medical condition. That is, unless and until being a Dumbass becomes an
accepted "disorder" in the medical community.

Let me splain.

That State Up North

In a place that Ohioans call "That state up north", meaning Michigan, is a town of about 15,000 named Traverse City. TC is known for, believe it or not, growing grapes and producing wine. Wine? Made in Meechagan? I never saw that coming. What kind of wine do they make there? MD 20/20, The Mad Dog?

I don't know what the deal is with wine in Traverse City, but I do know that they produce some of the best Dumbasses in the country.

Like the guy who a couple of weeks ago stole a credit card from a local woman. The thief is at this point running wild in Traverse City with pilfered platinum plastic, charging up large quantities of the Mad Dog and filling up his car with gasoline when he wanted a cigarette. Problem was, he had none. He stopped at a 7-11 type store to buy, meaning charge, some butts where Kevin Gay was filling up his automobile with enviro-weenie friendly ethanol. Kevin recognized the credit card thief from a security camera tape where the idiot had previously used the stolen card. Oh! Did I mention that Kevin Gay is a Detective in the TCPD? Yup, he is.

Thus ends the Great Credit Card Caper of 2012 in Traverse City, Michigan. Crook busted, jailed and now preparing for a bright future in Prison Bitchery.

Moral to the Story

If there is one thing to take away from this story, it's that if you are a credit card thief, DO NOT SMOKE! Or conversely, if you smoke, DO NOT STEAL CREDIT CARDS! Taking things a step further, if you are a smoking credit card thief, buy your cancer sticks somewhere away from where you stole the damn card! Do I have to spell all this out for you Mad Dog-addicted thieves in Meechagan, or is this just an affliction of moronity unique to Traverse City?

I thought that the Dumbasses in Meechagan would be more of the Wolverine kind of guys, on a crime spree to spread terror and anguish amongst the local citizenry. Then, out of the wild blue, I find out that they are more of a gopher, like in Minny-soda.

New Meechagan State Motto: "At Least We Ain't Minny-soda. But Our Dumbasses Are Big Pussies Just Like Theirs"

Disappointment abounds.

Dumbasses.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

"Fuck It! - I Quit!" - TV Anchor Quits in Style - On the Air!

Quitting your job with panache.....


Dumbass.

"He's Drunk!"; Parrot Squeals on Guy at Meskin DUI Checkpoint!

I am a Former Professional Drinker.

I had a drinking problem.

Two hands, one mouth.

I have always been a Full Tilt Boogie, Damn the Torpedoes kind of guy.

I was this way when I was slammin' down Barley Pop as well. (ed. note - for the benefit of the Yoopers out there, Barley Pop is beer)

Drinking wasn't about getting buzzed.

It was about getting FUBARed - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.

And doing stoopid shit.

Nothing criminal, just dumb, silly stuff - dancing with the lampshade on your head kind of silly stuff.

I also had some of the Best Drinkin' Buddies a Dumbass Could Ever Have. They had my back and if I did something extra stoopid, their lips were sealed. 

What happened at The Dumbass Dome, stayed at The Dumbass Dome.

Then again, I never had a parrot as a member of my posse.

South of the Border 

An hombre down in Mexico is a fine example of a Professional Drinker, Meskin Division.

Guillermo Reyes, Meskin Professional Drinker, went out on the town one night to have a little fun. His itinerary consisted of oral consumption of vast quantities of the Nectar of the Blue Agave (tequila), doing the Horizontal Meskin Hat Dance with some nubile Meskin putas (whores) and smoking some Acapulco Gold.

OK...I made up the part about Pesos Para Putas and smoking some sinsemilla. <---This is the Meskin word for "seedless". 

Sinsemilla casually translates into English as "some mind-blowing shit".

But, I digress.

Anyway, Guillermo was out gettin' bien borracho (<---Meskin for "commode-huggin' drunk) and when the evening was over he decided to drive to La Casa. 

So Guillermo mounted his trusty steed, a low riding '64 Chebby with pink and purple tuck and roll, twice pipes and fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror. There was also a small statue of the Virgin Mary secured to the dashboard by some Elmer's Glue.

Pray for us sinners....

Guillermo almost shoved his foot through the floor board of his '64 Chebby with pink and purple tuck and roll, twice pipes and fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror as he mashed the gas pedal further downward. 

The 300 HP, 327 cubic inch power plant under the hood roared to life and soon Guillermo was racing down the streets of the City at a top speed of nearly 27 miles per hour! 

His passenger, a parrot, (yes, a parrot!) was screaming at the top of his lungs, "Slow down, Guillermo Reyes, Professional Drinker, Meskin Division!" So Guillermo slowed down. 

Jail House Chickens
But that was only because of the Meskin version of a  sobriety checkpointthe The Punto El Check-o for Los Drunks, that impeded his progress.

Guillermo made his way through the Line of Driving Professional Drinkers, Meskin Division to the sobriety checkpoint when the parrot began squawking, presumably in Spanish, ""He's drunk! He's drunk!" 

The Federales determined that Guillermo was indeed FUBARed. Los Feds then extended to Guillermo a most gracious offer of food and shelter for the evening at one of Mexico's finest penal institutions. And by "one of Mexico's finest penal institutions", I of course mean a roach-infested, smelling of piss and sweaty Meskins, 8 feet by 8 feet concrete floored cell. On the bright side, Guillermo now had 37 other Professional Drinkers, Meskin Division as amigos.

Behind every storm cloud there is a silver lining, they say.

There is no word on what happened to the parrot.

Although, I have it on good authority that lunch the next day in the jail in which Guillermo was confined the next day was "chicken" and rice. (arroz con pollo).

Dumbass. 

***Hat Tip FoxNews.com***

Monday, September 22, 2014

Dumbass Cartoon of the Day: Cow Pole Dancing!

Hubba hubba.....




Dumbass.

Dumbass Prank: The Cow Heart On the Wrong Porch Trick!

Dumbass Dateline, Portland, Oregon (again)

I first read about this story a while back, but it didn't have an ending so I didn't want to write about it. But the Portland PD has now solved the case and it has a couple of elements of Dumbassery that could only happen the Pacific Northwest.

The story started when some Dumbass in Portland got his hands on a cow heart. Yes, a cow (moo moo and all that) heart. He prolly got it at an ethnic food store.

Anyway, the Dumbass with the cow heart decided it would be a great idea to place the heart on the
Excellent Dumbass Prank Prop
front porch of one of his friends!

What could possibly go wrong?

The Guy then set out under cover of darkness to complete his appointed task. He arrived at the prankee's address and gently, ever so gently, put the cow heart on the front porch. Then he ran like hell, no doubt laughing his ass off at what he had just accomplished.

Did I say "accomplished"? 

Maybe that was a bit premature.

Remember we are dealing with a Dumbass here, so something just had to go wrong.

And it did.

He put the cow heart on the porch of the wrong address!

The friend the cow heart was intended for lived around the corner! The next morning the owner of the house opened his front door to pick up the daily bird cage liner (that's newspaper for you idiots in Portland, the O-R-E) only to discover a cow heart on his porch! After recovering from his massive coronary upon seeing the cow heart on his porch, the home owner then went inside to have a shot of Tequila and call the cops.

In that order.

Case Closed

The PPD worked furiously looking for a Satanic cult or mobsters, well, maybe not furiously, more like "who gives a shit?", on this case, but they were unable to solve it.

Until....

She walked in.

Of all the cow heart cases around the world, she walks into mine. She was the intended victim of the cow heart prank.

I can just see it. This babe walks into the Cop Shop and says, "The cow heart was meant for me." She proceeds to tell the story of what went wrong, with the cops laughing their asses off .

Heart to Heart

Here's some advice for the Cow Heart Dumbass. The next time you get the urge to place animal organs on someone's porch, get the address right first! Now it's possible that Cow Heart Guy was punked by some of his and deliberately given the wrong address. In that case, he should get them all in one location at the same time, say a poker game, and when the time is right, blast them all to Kingdom Come with an M-16. Or he could simply get drunk and piss on them.

Secondly: Cow hearts are so fucking passe. Next time you do this shit, use a horse penis or something. Or a live rattlesnake. That'll induce more than a measly massive coronary. You've got to go for the gusto, son. Wouldn't a dead body add great effect to the whole prank?

Do I have to do all your thinking for you?

Dumbass.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Dumbass Traffic Stop Photo of the Day: Cop & Donut Irony!

Profiling?


Dumbass.

New at Dunkin Donuts: The Donut Ho!

Best of Dumbass News

There's a Dunkin Donuts on Route 46 in Parsippany, New Jersey that has added an item to their menu. Dunkin calls the new item is called "The Extra Sugar". Local cops call it prostitution. I would have called it the "donut hole", but I am a sick, twisted freak. 

Let me splain.
America Humps on Dunkin

Melissa Redmond works the overnight shift at one of the local Dunkin Donuts in Parsippany and it seems that she was serving more than donuts and coffee to some of her customers.

After receiving a tip from an informant, cops set up surveillance and observed Melissa leaving her post in the store to go to the cars of select customers, stay for 10 or 15 minutes and then return to work. It didn't take long for the cops to catch on so Melissa the Donut Ho was arrested for selling "Extra Sugar".

One of the first things that popped into my mind when I read this story was why in the name of all that is Holy would someone some sell their "coolatta" from a donut shop? Think about it. Donuts. Cops. Those two go together like Justin Bieber music and syrup of ipecac. But, I digress.

The moral to the story is twofold.

First, being a hooker is bad.

Second, being a hooker where a cops shows up every five minutes is just plain stoopid. If a woman wants to sell her "creme filled" pastry, sell it where the cops DO NOT show up!

Like at a Likker Store. :)

Dumbass.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Huntin' Turkey the Dumbass Way!

Be vewwy vewwy quiet.....


Dumbass.

Zoo Emergency Drill! Guy in Gorilla Suit Shot W/Tranquilizer Dart!

Best of Dumbass News

My two youngest kids are 7 and 11 years old.

Neither of them has ever been to a zoo.

I live in Augusta, Maine and I'm even sure where the nearest zoo is located.

Portland maybe? Even if that's the case, The Peoples Republic of Portland is sixty miles away. On top of that, for a round trip from here to there and back, I'd spend almost $20 on tolls just for the privilege of using Interstate 95.

Fuck that.

If my kids wanna see wild animals up close and personal, we have Animal Planet and Nat Geo Wild on our cable system.

Or, they could grab a lawn chair and sit out front and observe our neighbors.

I'm just sayin'.

Guy In Gorilla Suit

The Spanish island of Tenerife, on the other hand, has a very nice zoo. It would probably also be cheaper to take a cruise ship from the USA to Spain and see the Tenerife Zoo than it would to go to Portland and back

A few days ago, horror beset this zoo!

gorilla escaped its compound!

The proper zoo authorities were notified and the search for the wayward ape was on.

After a while of searching, and a siesta, the gorilla was located.

Enter the zoo veterinarian.

And a gun that shoots tranquilizer darts.

Taking careful aim, the vet blasted the gorilla with enough tranquilizer to sedate a 200 kg (over 400 lbs) beast.

There was, however, one minor problem...

This was a drill rehearsing what would happen if a gorilla escaped!

You probably asking yourself, "Well, isn't the way this sort of emergency is supposed to play out?"

The answer to that is "Yes".

Oh....I forgot to mention that there was one other small problem.

It wasn't an escaped gorilla that was shot with tranquilizer dart, it was a man dressed up in a gorilla suit practicing for the Escaped Gorilla Capture Drill!

The Guy is gonna be OK.

Dumbasses.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Happy 4th Birthday, Dumbass News!

Doh!

Holy shit!

I just happened to look at the calendar and then it hit me.

Today is a very special day.

But I couldn't remember exactly why.

The thoughts began to race through my head like Barack Obama on meth heading to Las Vegas for a fundraiser.

Here are some of the things that crossed my mind as I tried desperately to figure out why today was so different than any of the other 364 days of the year.

  • Jessica Alba is coming to the Dumbass Dome to have a Meskin Style Mad Monkey Sex Threesome with Mrs. Fearless Leader and me.
  • Alas, Mrs. Fearless Leader doesn't roll that way.
  • Zombie Ed McMahon is gonna knock on my door informing me that I have won $10 bazillion so I can "entice" Jessica Alba into a Meskin Style Mad Monkey Sex Threesome with me and Mrs. Fearless Leader.
  • Mrs. Fearless Leader still doesn't roll that way.
  • Since Zombie Ed McMahon gave me $10 bazillion, I can pay off the National Debt. 
  • Which would leave me with $7.83.
  • The entire Gubmint of the United States of America has been replaced by responsible Constitution-adhering adults who actually love their country, Freedom and Liberty.
  • By "responsible adults" I mean Moe, Larry and Curly.
  • It couldn't be much worse.
As you might have surmised by now, none of these dealios is what makes today unique.

Then, like a bolt of lightning on a clear blue day, it struck me!

Today marks the 4th Birthday of Dumbass News!

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be sitting here today 1600+ posts and nearly one million page views later that Dumbass News would be ranked by Alexa as one of the Most Popular Blogs in the World! As I write this, Dumbass News is ranked about #180,000 world wide and about #41,000 in the United States. BTW...there are now over 1 BILLION websites in the world today. Do the math.

Wow.

Just.

Wow.

There is only one reason why Dumbass News has taken the Blogging World by storm.

And it ain't because of my Shakespearean writing abilities or my brilliant, insightful, often scathing social commentary that this blog is read by morons in 181 countries around The Big Blue Marble. Simply put, I am not a writer. I am a guy with a keyboard who can write stoopid shit. In spite of my unparalleled humility, I will concede, however, that I am brilliant and insightful and my scathing social commentary is unmatched by man or beast - but you already knew that. :)

The meteoric growth and phenomenal popularity of Dumbass News lies squarely on your shoulders. Why? Because you are fucking stoopid! <--- I say that with love in my heart. You unfailingly come back day after day, year after year reading this drivel, so you've got to a) accept the responsibility for that and b) seek professional help immediately.

On the real side...I can not begin to express how much your support has meant to me over the last four years. I stand humbled and indebted before you.

Thank you.

Now, I am off to the bank to cash my $10 bazillion check from Zombie Ed McMahon.

And to call Jessica Alba and see que pasa.

Dumbasses.

Home of the Nipmuc Indians: Greatest Town Name Ever!

Say what???




Dumbasses.

Dumbass Travel Guide: Towns-With-Stoopid-Names Signs!

Howdy, Dumbasses!

A couple of housecleaning items before we get to today's Dumbassery.

  • Thanks to all of you for the Happy Birthday wishes.
  • I really appreciate the Get Well wishes also. (I am feeling much better)
  • Most Important Update: I wrote at the end of July that Mrs. Fearless Leader and I had decided to go our separate ways. However, after much soul searching and civil conversation, Mrs. Fearless Leader determined that she couldn't live without me, so we worked things out and will stay married! 
  • I am very happy about this. 
  • Thanks for the kind thoughts and prayers regarding the previous matter.
  • I am humbled by and grateful for your support.
I have traveled to and through 30-some odd states in our great country. I have come across some outstanding town names during the course of those travels - two of my favorites being from my home state of Texas - Cut and Shoot and Gun Barrel City. 

This got me to thinking that there must be some othger really fooked up town names out there, so I set out on a Google Fu Extravaganza and Road Trip and believe you me, I found some real good ones!

As evidence, I present to you....Dumbass City Limit Signs! 

Also Known as P. M. S. Ville

Home to Ugly Wimmin

Get Married-o Before Having Kiddos. Problem Solved.

Assholes Live Here.

Located on the Pathway Paved with Good Intentions.

Home of Grab Your Ankles College.

Bad Grammar.

Dick of a Town.

The Fook You Say!

With a Name Like This, I'd Expect More Than 229 residents.

Dumbasses.



Thursday, September 18, 2014

I Hate My Job! Dumbass Superman Cartoon of the Day!

And the benefits suck......except for Lois Lane.....well, maybe she does too.....


Dumbass.

Dumbass Job Hunting Tips!

Our country is in a helluva mess these days. We are $16 Trillion (that's 16 followed by twelve zeros) in the hole with an unemployment  rate officially listed at around 6.5%. With millions of Americans now so discouraged that they are no longer looking for work, the real jobless figure is in the neighborhood of 18% according to some economists.

These statistics indicate that it's a very competitive market for job seekers. Too many seekers, not enough jobs.

I am retired so pounding the pavement in search of employment is not high on my list of priorities. However, I am very concerned for my fellow Dumbasses who are looking to rejoin the work force, desperately seeking a way out of Mommy's basement a source of steady income (other than dealing meth that is).

Job Hunting Tips

Because I care, I am offering, as a public service, the following helpful tips that will make finding a job easier for even the most inexperienced of Dumbasses. And by "most inexperienced of Dumbasses", I of course mean "the lazy bastards who'll be thrown out on their asses if they don't come up with something to contribute to Mom's monthly Cheetos bill".

In order to get the most effective job hunting tips for you chronically unemployed losers, I went to the Professionals at Monster.com.
  • Pick and Choose - Look for companies that you are interested in and that match your job skills  and experience. For most of you reading this, that means learn to say "Can I super size that for you?"
  • Work Your Network - In other words, regularly check with your buddies on Facebook and find out where you'll meet up to smoke your next joint and talk about how "The Man" has stuck it to you. Talking about finding a job is optional.
  • Sell Yourself - Female Dumbasses will understand this tip to mean "become a hooker".
  • Stay Positive - This is probably the best advice you can get when you are looking for work. After you've been turned down a few dozen times, stay positive that you are just a pox on humanity and have no socially redeeming value.
  • Wait for the Job Offers to Pour In - Since we know that you are a scourge to polite society, this will never happen, so now you can go back downstairs and open up a new bag of Cheetos.
I hope that I have been of some sort of help and inspiration to you by offering these invaluable job hunting tips. If you follow them, the hunt for your next welfare pay check will be much smoother and without the hassle of actually doing anything meaningful.

All this because I care.

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Dumbass Historical Marker of the Day!

Those who ignore History are doomed to repeat it.....


Dumbasses.

Dumbass Fun & Games: Blog Tag Q & A!

Best of Dumbass News - Revised & Updated

I have recently made some new Dumbass Blog Friends. They don't blog about Dumbasses, but they are Dumbasses who blog. You'll find them in the left side bar under "Dumbasses I Read". I cordially invite you to click on the links to their blogs and give them a read. They publish some quality material on their sites. And by "quality material" I mean that you won't feel an urgent need to projectile puke after reading it.

Most of the time.

Blog Tag

The above-mentioned Dumbasses are playing a game called Blog Tag. I have heard of this shit activity before, but I have never participated in it. To be truthful, I used to think that it was kinda stoopid, but after further consideration, I think it's actually a pretty damn good idea.

I changed my mind about Blog Tag because I figgered it would be a good way for not only my new Blog Friends to learn a little about me, but also an opportunity for the readers, old and new, of Dumbass News to get a better grip on their Fearless Leader.

There are some rules and shit I gotta follow, so here goes....

Rules & Shit


1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you.
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.



Fearless Leader
11 Random Dumbass Facts About Your Fearless Leader

  1. I am from Texas. I have been sent to Maine by Saint Jim Bob (Patron Saint of Rednecks) on a secret mission that, if divulged, would require me to mercilessly eliminate each and every one of you. 
  2. I am the father of four Dumbass offspring. Ages: 7, 11, 32 and 35. Yes, they are all my progeny except the 11 year old whom I am in the process of adopting. Oh yeah...the youngest are my little girls, the oldest are my sons.
  3. I am old enough to remember John F. Kennedy, black and white TV and Woodstock amongst other things.
  4. I am a Bad Ass Fisherman. Fish. Fear. Me.
  5. I am 19 years older than my wife.
  6. I met my wife in an AOL chat room, we became friends and things went from there. We have been together for almost 10  years and married for six. The 7 year old is a product of her bending over while doing the dishes one day.
  7. I was a radio DJ for 15 years. I was on the air in Texas, New Mexico and Colorado. My show was Number 1 in every market I worked in, Number 12 nationally at one time.
  8. I have also done some TV work. I co-hosted a weekly TV show.
  9. I have been to over 30 of the United States.
  10. I love to garden. There's only two things that money can't buy, and that's true love and homegrown tomatoes.
  11. Hook 'em Horns! University of Texas!
11 Questions for Me from  Miss Four Eyes  

Do you think people should care more about each other’s bowel movements? Only if there are fewer than two bathrooms in the house.   
What is the one thing you are most afraid of? 
Heights.
What is the one thing that you wish you had never touched? 
That waitress at Denny's circa 1975. 
What do you sing in the shower?
Hank Williams, Jr. or Merle Haggard. I told you I was old. And from Texas.
How do you feel about Tom Cruise?
I don't.
Do you fart? Of course you do. Who do you blame it on?
I don't own a dog, so I blame the kids.
What would you do if you met Oprah?
I'd tell her that it's OK to come out of the closet. 
Name one food you’ve never tried and don’t want to.
Haggis. Sheep innards ain't high on my menu.
Burps. Loud or silent? 
I am a Redneck. LOUD!
What species do you think will take over the world some day?
Oprah.
Star Wars or Star Trek?
Star Trek. Gene Roddenberry was a Texan. Gotta go with my Home Boy.

Questions for the Next Tag-ee
  1. Baseball or football?
  2. Place you'd like to live other than where you live right now.
  3. Are you a nose picker?
  4. Would you rather be in politics or a have nasty case of the flu for two years?
  5. Taco Bell or McDonalds? 
  6. Would you rather spend summer in Texas or winter in Northern Canada?
  7. If you could go back in time, what would you change about your life?
  8. If you could write a new law, what would it be?
  9. Kids or pets? 
  10. Weirdest clothes you ever worn.
  11. Would you go streaking at a major public event for $10,000?
OK, Snarkfest, Pixie C D, Modern Philosopher, and brickhousechick etc.....

Tag! You're it!

Dumbasses.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

A Dumbass Birthday Card for Me!

Truer words, Dumbasses, truer words.....

Dumbass.

Sick as Hell on My Birthday: Please Sweet Jesus Take Me Home!

As I type this, I am a bit under the weather.

Actually, I am a lot under the weather.

This particular malady is what is referred to by the Medical Community as Sick as Fuck. This condition also has been called Feeling Like Shit and Please, Sweet Jesus Take Me Home. 

Please, Sweet Jesus Take Me Home is also a very important part of Catholicism. In Church Doctrine this known as The Divinely-Inspired Stark Reminder to Go to Confession and Line Up a Priest for the Last Rites.


Amen.

For decades I have been under the impression that a Near Death Experience would consist of a magnificent tunnel of very bright white light, angels singing in Heavenly Harmony and being greeted by friends and loved ones who have gone before me.

I can, with 100% certainty and without a doubt, debunk this theory of the NDE. I have determined that this is what the Scientific Method defines as "Bullshit".

Instead of a tunnel of white light, angels singing and old friends and family members, my NDE has been expressed by spots before my eyes, white people trying to sing rap music and The Porcelain Pony. Add to these symptoms a little projectile puking and Atomic Force Anally-Emitted Doo Doo Detonations and that pretty much sums up what a severe case of Please, Sweet Jesus Take Me Home entails.

Did I mention that today is my 58th birthday?

Happy Fucking Birthday to me, huh?

I need a priest.

Please, Sweet Jesus take me home.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Dumbass Al Gore/Glo Bull Warming Cartoon of the Day!

Glo Bull Shit Artist.....


Dumbass.

Dumbass Job Guide: Hypnotize Stoopid People for Fun, Jewelry & Cash!

Boston.

Beantown.

At Least We Ain't New Yawk!

But We Wish We Had That Many World Series Championships.

Whatever you want to call it, Boston is a city that is as full of American history and tradition as any city in the country. Paul Revere, the Red Sawx, the Boston Tea Party and really exceptional Dumbasses - all part of Boston, baby.

For Example...

Chicanery in Chinatown

A 57 year old woman was in Boston's Chinatown doing a little grocery shopping when she was approached by three women. The women began asking the lady questions and after several minutes, one of the trio handed the shopper a plastic bag. They then instructed her to go home, fill the bag with a shit load of loot and meet them later at Boston Commons.

She did.

The lady filled the bag with a valuable necklace, a jade bracelet, her passport and $160,000 in cash! The Nice Lady then proceeded to the Commons where she willfully handed over her life savings to the three con women. The Nice Lady is a Dumbass.

I feel the need to jump in here and make a point or two.

Point 1) I may be in the minority, but if three strange Asian women were to instruct me to go home and cram a couple of hundred large worth of cash and jewelry into a Wal Mart bag, I'd have a tendency to become a bit suspicious. That's just how I roll.

Point 2) IF I ever reach a point in my life where my mental condition deteriorates to the point that I would even consider doing something so blatantly STOOPID, I hereby authorize anyone reading this post to promptly and mercifully put a .45 hollowpoint into my skull. I thank you in advance.

Keep Your Eyes on the Shiny Object

This same kind of crime has happened twice since the one above and all of the sudden the (I am not making the name of this organization up) Chinese Progressive Association (Commies?) has alerted its members "to remain vigilant when approached by strangers". That's odd, I tell my 5 year old daughter the same thing. The difference is that she seems to get it.

The Dumbass that heads up the Commies, I mean Chinese Progressive Association, says that he believes the victim was hypnotized by the three scammers. He backs this up with the solid evidence that his mother told him of thieves using hypnosis on their victims in his native Hong Kong. (No relation to King Kong or Donkey Kong)

That settles that! I gotta find me a How-to book on this Hypnotizing Dumbasses into Willingly Handing Over to Me Hundreds of Thousands of Dollars in Cash and Jewelry stuff.

Then, I am moving to Boston.

Chinatown specifically.

Supply and demand, baby.

Beantown supplies the Dumbasses and the Dumbasses supply me - with millions of dollars!

Put. Me. In. Coach!

Other Ethnic Groups

I see a potential trend here. If this kind of shit can be pulled on Asians, why not open up a market for Meskins, Eye-talians or Micks? Boston is a multi-cultural city after all. And I do not discriminate against any group. I don't care if you are the Mayor of Boston, if a person is a Dumbass (and from what I hear, the current mayor of Boston, Thomas "Mumbles" Menino is a Dumbass {and a Commie}) the person is a target, baby.

And I aim to please.

America! What a country!



蠢驴.   (Dumbass)

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Dumbass NFL Primer: Learning Penalty Signals

It's all in the hands.....


Dumbasses.

Dumbass Uses Son's Lawn Mower for Target Practice!

What is a Redneck?

A Redneck is a hard-working harder livin', God-fearing, take no shit and will kill  a sonuvabitch that presents a clear and present danger to him or his family kind of a man. A Redneck is a man who will help his neighbor because it's the right thing to do, not because some dickweed from the Gubmint forced him to do so.  Rednecks love music and often have a little band that plays places like the VFW on weekends. He loves Lynyrd Skynyrd, Hank Williams, Jr, Willie and Waylon and George Jones.
Redneck Bottle Rocket

Regardless of what some guy whose closest encounter with the South is bucket of chicken from the Colonel, not all Rednecks are stoopid. Or Dumbasses. The great majority of us are pretty good people. That's the short version of what a Redneck is.

I am a Redneck. I am proud to be a Redneck and anybody that doesn't like Rednecks can kiss my Redneck ass. Now we can get to today's story.

Provided of course that you didn't kiss my ass and split the scene.  :)

However, Some Rednecks ARE Stoopid 

There are Dumbasses in every segment and ethnicity of the American people. I am sad to say it, but that includes Rednecks. But a Dumbass Redneck is a higher quality of Redneck than any segment of the Dumbass Population in our society. It's in the Bible, I think. Look under St. Jim Bob, Ch1, Vs1. Rednecks like Mark Wach of Palm City, Florida are the kinds of Rednecks that give the rest of us a bad name. Why?

Why 

Mark was, as we Rednecks say, drunk. 

In his state of intoxication, Mark was having a nice, normal bit of Redneck Fun by blasting away with his firearms. Shooting a gun while drunk is against all that a normal Redneck believes in, therefore Mark is in serious danger of losing his Redneck Card and being forced to un-learn the Top Secret Redneck Handshake. If he can't un-learn it, then we'll just kill him.

Anyway...Mark was firing off a few rounds on his property when he and his son got into an altercation. The son was all out of whack not simply because Mark was shooting his guns, the son was also pissed because Mark was shooting the son's lawn mower which was in the son's yard.

Where I'm from, we call this Wednesday.

As usual, the cops showed up and spoiled the fun. Mark was quick to point out to the fuzz that "this is what Redneck people do." This is true. But 99% of the time, we did stuff like this before we got bombed. After we got lit up real good, we would move on to much safer Redneck activities. Stuff like playing horse shoes. With the horse shoes still on the horse! Those were mighty good times.

Except the horses got a little pissed off.

Why, Mark? 

I do not endorse or condone using a firearm while drunk. That is completely unacceptable at any time. Aside from that minor detail, Mark and his son, I think his name is Bobby Bob, were doing nothing more than having a good old Redneck Hootnanny. However, Mark did some stoopid shit and it gives all Rednecks a bad name.

Here's some brother to brother, man to man, Redneck to Redneck advice: next time you want to get tore down, put the weapons away! Play horse shoes.

But make sure the horse is cool with it first.

Trust me on this one.

Dumbass.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Dumbass Sign of the Day: Post No Bills!

A Bill by any other name...


Dumbasses.

***Hat tip to Gina Valley via Teri, Official Sultannette of Snark for Dumbass News***

Dumbass Outdoor Sports: Doo Doo Diving!



Best of Dumbass News

The guy in the photo is a criminal

Bank robber? Nope.

Embezzler? Try again.

This man, Gary Moody, is a convicted "Toilet Pit Climber". 

And a Dumbass.

I am intrigued by the term "Toilet Pit Climber", so as a Professional Blogging Guy, it is my sworn at duty to get to the, er, uh, bottom of this.

As you may have guessed by now Our Friend Gary likes to climb into the pits of outhouses! Gary is a Doo Doo Diver!But!, you say, maybe Gary was plastered one time and did something extremely stupid - and disgusting. I wish that I could report to you that this is the case, but NO! Gary Moody is a Serial Doo Doo Diver!

And a Serial Dumbass!

Recently Ol' Gare was spotted by a nine year old boy after a successful session of doo doo diving, Gary's second known outhouse pit diving expedition. In 2005, Moody pleaded no contest to trespassing for the same offense. Since Gary's crime is not quite as common as, say, car theft, he was the first guy the cops went to for answers regarding this incident. The Portland Press Herald notes that special agent with the US Forest Service, William Fors recalled the case from 2005 and told the paper, "Based on the extremely rare nature of this type of activity, the fact that Gary Moody had a previous conviction for the same activity and the fact that Moody had a last known address in the Gardiner, Maine, area, I decided to locate and interview Moody,''

No shit?

As a resident of Augusta, which is so close to Gardiner that you could hear Gary fart, all my fears have been allayed since the US Forest Service is right on top of the very serious crime of Doo Doo Diving. As a matter of fact, the Augusta, Maine "metro" area proudly holds the distinction of having the lowest Doo Doo Diver recidivism rate in the entire United States of America thanks to the relentless anti-doo doo diving efforts of the United States Forest Service.

I shall sleep better at night.

Good ol' Gary was convicted and sentenced to 30 days, a $1000 fine and $700 restitution to the Forest Service for the cost of pumping out the toilet pit. It seems to me that Gary could have saved himself seven big ones if he'd just asked for a shovel and emptied the pit on his own. Not only could he have saved the cash for himself, he could have done the very thing he loves doing! What more could a criminal ask for?

I'm sure that this will be a subject of interest at Gary's kid's next "What Does Your Daddy Do for a Living? Day" at school. Does Gary dare take a Port-O-Potty to the school to demonstrate what Doo Doo Diving is all about? Does he say "doo doo" in front of a class of second graders? Instead of "Doo Doo Diver", should Gary use the term "Feces Farmer" instead? What's a Daddy Doo Doo Diver to do?

Here's my bit of wisdom for Mr. Moody: Flush the whole idea.

Dumbass.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Dumbass Photo of the Day: All Daddy Wanted

Sometimes things just go too far.....


Dumbass.

Random Internet Stoopididity!


It's not like I had much Faith in Humanity anyway.....

Jesus Was Our 1st President

I Use a Magic 8 Ball

I Think He Means the 'E B T Awards'

Words to Live By

This Applies to Dumbasses Also

Wait'll She Hears About New Mexico.

It's a Jedi Map Trick. Just Ask Kansas.

Rachel's PIN is "StoopidAsFuck".

Stuck On Stoopid.
Dumbasses.

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