Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: November 2014 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Dumbass Crime: Most "Udderly" Stoopid Mugshot Ever!

How now Brown Cow...




Eat moar chikkin.

Dumbass.

Mom's On TV News! And She's Robbing a Bank!

Best of Dumbass News!

It takes a Special Breed of Dumbass to rob a bank.

One Dumbass held up a bank, fled the premises and then, realizing the meager amount of money he had stolen, went back into the bank to get more!

Another Shit-For-Brains knocked over a bank, got the cash and quickly exited the place and promptly hopped into his getaway bus! A City bus.

Ramping up the Dumbassery to astronomical heights was a chick named Jasmyne. After one of her bank heists, she went home and promptly implicated herself on Facebook!

While today's story involves a bank robbery, there's a twist to it that would make Chubby Checker contort himself up like a pretzel.

Let me splain.

Film at Eleven

On a recent night a Guy in Byron Township, Meech-i-gan was settling down at home getting ready to watch the local TV news.

One of the stories on that evening's newscast was of the robbery of a local Bank of America branch. The Thief was a schlub (in this case a female schlub) who needed some money to support her habit. The Female Schlub presented the bank teller with a note saying that she was robbing the bank in order to do some good stuff for her grand kids. Of course, in this case, "grand kids" means "crack cocaine".

During the presentation of the news story, a photo of the alleged bank robber was flashed across the TV screen. The Guy took a look and thought, "Damn! That lady looks familiar!". 
Deeann "The Dumbass" Sanders, Fuckhole

There is a good reason that the face of the alleged crook rang a bell with The Guy. 

It was his mother!

Upon seeing his mother, as recorded by a bank surveillance camera, on Eyewitness News at 11, plastered across TV screens all over Meech-i-gan, The Guy could have reacted in numerous ways.

Let us explore those ways:
  • Hi, Ma!
  • Neat! Mom's on TV!
  • Mom has a shirt just like the one that lady is wearing!
  • Damn, that's one ugly bitch!
  • Holy shit! That ugly bitch is my Mom!
  • All right! My college loans will be paid off!
  • Except I didn't go to college.
  • I can finally get a new X-Box!
  • Dammit! Mom's going to prison! Now I have to move out of her basement!
  • Call the cops.
He called the cops.

And Mom's on her way to The Big House .....and I don't mean that Big Ass Football Stadium in Ann Arbor.

Dumbass.

***Thanks to The Blaze***
***Image from WOOD-TV***

Friday, November 28, 2014

Day After Thanksgiving Photo of the Day!

Burp!



Dumbass.

Guy Gets Woke Up, Kicks Other Guy's Ass, Gets Arrested! His Wife Responds to Dumbass News!

Best of Dumbass News

Remember this post is rerun, so the numbers in it are old also.

Dumbasses.

It's not often that I receive an update to an old Dumbass News story.

Unless I do some serious journalism.

As a matter of fact, this post will be Number 1248 in a Trail of Dumbassery that dates back to September 19, 2010.

Guess how many times I have received any sort of update from readers to any of those 1247 previous stories?

Exactly. Three. Times.

And I got two of those just after midnight yesterday! 

Alert Dumbass stoo, Dumbass Emeritus was Stoo-on-the-Spot with regards to yesterday's story pointing out some very pertinent information pertaining to the disposition of the legal case against a restaurant owner who created a porn site in the name of a lady who gave her restaurant a lousy review.

I thought, "Well, that's pretty damn cool!"

Then, out of the blue, like Al Sharpton barreling towards a TV camera through a crowd of Hungry Raaaaacist Poor White Kids devouring the last of the Gubmint Cheese depriving Poor Minority Children of their much-needed Gubmint Cheese Allotment, I got a comment updating the status of another legal proceeding against a Dumbass I wrote about back in September, 2012! 

Cliff's Notes review of that story: Neighbor wakes Dumbass up. Dumbass beats shit out of neighbor and throws him into an aquarium. Dumbass gets arrested. 
Justin Byars - Grouchy When Gets Woke Up

At 1:40 AM Sunday morning this comment was posted:

Laurel Byars 
  • Lol. For the record…I am his wife. And the story that was posted here was from the police report which came from one persons side of the story…Funny…The one who got his ass whooped went and cried to the police. But anyway…The aquarium was empty…Sitting on the floor…We had actually given it to the guy. And the guy who called the police threatened my life the night before…So come on…Any MAN who has a wife WOULD whoop ANYONES ass for threatening them. This whole night all started with a bottle of pinnacle & two lesbians…The guy who placed the police report is not a classy dude clearly by my previous statement. Lol. I believe he lives on the street and has NO JOB! He is a bum. I get the humor of this story the way it is written…However, Justin Byars is a REAL MAN who protected the love of his life and was found INNOCENT in the Newport News court system. That’s all that truly matters.
Here's What I Think  
  • It is my Considered Pre-Law Major Dropout Opinion that the Police gather as many facts as they can about an incident then determine if there is enough probable cause to effect an arrest.
  • Excluding self defense on the part of the suspect, throwing another Human Bean into an aquarium is, in the legal sense, what is referred to as assault.
  • Empty aquarium or not
  • Arrest effected.
  • No fish were harmed in the commission of this onslaught.
  • PETA is happy about that.
  • I agree that if the neighbor deservedly got his ass beat, then called the cops, he is a pussy.
  • Threatening somebody's life is a very bad idea.
  • Homeless Guys Without Jobs have more fun in Denver.
  • Two Lezbeans?
  • Hubba hubba!
  • Adjudication of a criminal proceeding NEVER ends with ANYONE being found "innocent".
  • Something other than a "guilty" verdict is what is called an "acquittal" resulting in the defendant being found "not guilty".
  • "Not guilty" does not infer innocence.
  • See: Simpson, O.J.
  • Two lezbeans, huh?
  • Video or it didn't happen.
Dumbasses.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Dumbass Flashback: Thanksgiving Memories, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving, Dumbass Horde!

Saying grace.....
I'm a Leg Man Myself
Drop the Knife and Back Away...Slooowly


R.I.P.
Bass-ackwards

Boldly Going Where No Turkey Has Gone Before

Buuuuuurrrrppp

I Don't Eat Anything Whose Name Starts with "Turd"

This.


Dumbasses.



Bonus:

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Thanksgiving Photo Album!

Happy Thanksgiving, Dumbasses!



The First Thanksgiving

Family Time


No Brains...Or Kidneys...Or Spleen


Turkey Breast Implants

Opening Day of Turkey Season in Alabama

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

"Liquid Ass" & Other Dumbass Holiday Gift Ideas from Snarkfest!

I am a Guy.

I hate to go shopping.

Except for shopping while taking a doo doo.

What I Do When I Go Shopping

  1. I make a list.
  2. I get the shit on The List as quickly as possible.
  3. I pay for the shit on The List.
  4. I go home.

This is how God Hisownself intended things to be for men.

On the other hand, The Almighty, Creator of All That Is Good and Shopping Too bestowed upon wimmin two things that in the Final Analysis of the Glory of the Universe are relegated solely to the Fairer Sex - the miraculous ability to give birth to Baby Human Beans and the Capacity to Shop With the Ferocity of a Rampaging Herd of Wild Buffaloes With Their Asses Set On Fire With Kerosene. Sometimes this phenomenon referred to as "Black Friday at Wal Mart Even If It's Not Black Friday". It is indeed one of the Great Mysteries of Life. 

Galloping to the rescue (on an albino jackass named Cletus) for shopping-challenged Dumbasses like me comes the Official Sultanette of Snark for Dumbass News, Teri from Snarkfest!

Teri presents to us some mighty fine gift-giving choices for the Dumbasses who touch our lives.

What Dumbass wouldn't be ecstatic to receive something like this under the Christmas tree:

Original Liquid Ass

Snarky is professional enough a shopper to recommend only Top Quality Products like Original Liquid Ass! Don't be fooled by cheap imitation Liquid Ass substitutes! Generic Liquid Ass items just don't have enough real ass in them to compare to the all natural swamp donkey ass ingredients used in Original Liquid Ass! 

But wait! There's more! Teri has a plethora of premium presents sure to please even the most discriminating gift recipient in your home!

So, what are you waiting for??!!

Make your holiday gift selction at Snarkfest right now!

Just in case Nature calls, and you need to take a healthy shit, make sure your cell phone is charged up and ready to go so you can shop from the comfort of your very own toilet!

Teri won't even peek at you.

Unless you wanna Skype, then she's all in.

OK...I made up that "she's all in" part.

Maybe.

Dumbasses.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Dumbass Deer Cartoon of the Day!

The Light to Remain Silent.....


Dumbass.

Dumbass Outdoors: Hunter Bags Buck: Deer Gets Revenge!

I have lived in some states in our country where hunting is a Big Deal. 

In Texas, Colorado and Maine, hunting is a birth right, exercised by several generations of millions of families in that trio of states.

It may come as a surprise to you that each and every hunter from all those generations are members of PETA. No, Dumbass not that PETA. I am talking about the Redneck version of PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals.

There is a similar organization of PETA in Spain - Los Pendejos de PETA.

Marino Malerba is one of those pendejos.

Like many European Meskins, Marino was a cazador (hunter).

After much-detailed preparation for his European Meskin Big Game Hunting Extravaganza, Marino set out on his faithful burro Julio Iglesias in search of a bounty of tasty animals with which to make the Euro-Mex version of menudo.

Marino and Julio Iglesias spent many hours that day painstakingly pursuing their prey.

At last, they found it! High upon a ledge almost overhead, a deer the size of a Euro-Meskin hooker
majestcally posed, looking out over the Spanish country side.

His heart pounding in chest, his hands shaking, Marino took careful aim at his quarry. Taking a few deep breaths in order to calm himself, Marino located the stag in his rifle's scope and ever-so-gently sqeeeeeeezed the trigger.

Bullseye!

Remember that part up there ^^^ where I said the deer was damn near straight overhead from Marino?

Make that exactly overhead from Marino.

El Jefe de Cazadores Pendejos did inded inflict a fatal gun shot wound upon the deer, but there was one small problema.

The deer fell off its perch high atop the ledge and landed smack dab on top of Marino!

Killing. Him. Graveyard. DEAD.

Julio Iglesias was unharmed.

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Fearless Mom & The Darwin Awards Guys (sorry I have no link)***

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Dumbass Mom Slaps Kid at School! Yikes! Wrong Kid!

Best of Dumbass News

Have you ever come across twins or triplets so identical you wonder how anyone can tell them apart?

I have.

One time many years ago I was at a Dairy Queen in Tyler, Texas having a cheeseburger when a nice family came in. First in was a little boy, followed by Mom. Dad was holding the restaurant door open for the rest of the group. In walks a little girl closely tailgated by another little girl who looked exactly like the first girl. I thought, "That's cool. Twins!"

I was wrong.

A few nano seconds after that another little girl came through the door. She looked exactly like the two other girls who came in before her. I remember thinking, "Wow! That's something you don't see every day! Triplets!"

I was wrong.

Again.

Dad is still holding the door open when...you guessed it...yet another little girl walked in.

Quadruplets!

I'm telling you that it was damn near impossible to tell which girl was which. It was like the same little girl had walked into the Dairy Queen and somehow sneaked back outside and re-entered the place three more times!

I have never before that moment nor since seen anything quite like that.

Which brings us back to our opening question. How the hell does anybody, besides Mom and Dad, tell kids like this one from the other? If they were a precocious quartet, I bet they could pull some bodacious swaparoony tricks on some folks.

But what if the kid was a singleton? Easy to I.D., right?

Wrong.

Knot Slappin'

From The Poughkeepsie Journal via reagancoalition.comSPARTANBURG, S.C. --  The mother
of a middle school student who was being suspended has been arrested after deputies say she walked into the school and slapped the wrong child.

Spartanburg County sheriff's deputies say 36-year-old Tyshekka Collier went to Fairforest Middle School Wednesday morning to pick up her son. Principal Ty Dawkins called authorities after Collier walked into the office, mistook a boy for her son and slapped him in the face.
Dawkins said that boy was sick and had been waiting to be picked up.
Dawkins says once Collier realized her mistake, she apologized, then walked over to her son and knocked him to the ground.
Collier was charged with disturbing school and assault and battery. It wasn't known if she had a lawyer.
Her three children are in protective custody.

Inquiring Minds Wanna Know
  • Obligatory: How in God's name could a Mother not differentiate her kid from a strange kid?
  • Even if the stoopid bitch could tell her kid from another, why the hell would she go into a school and start slapping the snot out of him?
  • Common Knot-Slappin' Etiquette dictates that slappin' a knot so big he's gotta tiptoe to scratch it on a boy's skull should be done in the privacy of one's home.
  • Never in public.
  • At least if there are witnesses.  
  • Apologizing after physically attacking another human bean does not take away the fact that one has committed assault and battery. 
  • Just ask Tyshekka.
  • Really? 
  • The Mother of the Year Award is probably out of the question now.
  • Dumbass of the Year is not.
  • Who the hell names their kid "Tyshekka"?
Dumbass.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

A Dumbass Grows Old: The Case of the Sleepy Ass!

As many of you know, yesterday Mrs. Fearless Leader and I celebrated our tenth year of being a couple.

Some things have changed over the past decade.

Ten years ago, I had hair --->


Today, not so much --->


The last ten years have also brought many changes to my body - no hair where it should be, hair magically appearing where my skin was once barren (see ears), aches and pains in places I didn't know existed on the human frame , gravity has taken over and select areas of my one-Herculean physique have navigated in a more Southerly direction.

Another thing....after ten years of Mrs. Fearless Leader chewing on it (figurative, that is), I have no ass. The result? This:


Dumbass.

Dumbass: "Hey, Judge, I Am Gonna Cook & Eat Your Kids!"

Best of Dumbass News

Divorce.

One of the ugliest words in the English language.

Unless of course you are married to a real motherfucker.

If you find/have found yourself in the position of being hitched to a steaming pile of yak shit of a spouse, then the word "divorce" rings in your ears like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the Hallelujah Chorus.

Still, it is always in your best interest, especially if kids are involved, to conduct yourself civilly during divorce proceedings.

James Satterfield of Cobb County, Georgia probably wishes he had done so.

But, as the old Carole King song goes, "it's too late, baby now, it's too late".

She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft

You see, James Satterfield went through a divorce in which he felt he was unfairly treated. There are ways to remedy court rulings in which one feels he or she has been given the short end of the stick. These remedies involve lawyers, judges and all kinds of other fun-filled legal system avenues. James, being all pissed off at the judge in his divorce case, forewent these processes. Instead, good ol' Jimmy wrote a letter to the presiding judge in the matter of the dissolution of his marriage.

What could possibly go wrong?
Loves Children...Especially With Salt & Mustard

I guess that nothing would go wrong unless in the letter to Hizzoner you threaten to murder his children and "cook them first to make them more palatable".

Any father would immediately take great offense at such a threat.

But not just any father can throw your lousy ass in jail and toss away the key.

A father who is a County Superior Court Judge can.

In addition to threatening to make the judge's kids his supper, the warrant for James' arrest also stated that he had written a check to his soon-to-be ex-wife for $72,000, moved out of his apartment and told his family to give away his belongings.

Oh, yeah, one more thing.

James had a gun in his truck.

With this evidence in hand, Authorities determined that James was about to carry out (carry out! kids for lunch! hahahaha!) his nefarious plot.

This is why Jim Bob is in the County Lock Up being held without bail.

To be accurate, it wasn't the judge in James' divorce case that threw him in the slammer, it was another judge altogether.

James was also ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation.

Ya think?

Dumbass.

Friday, November 21, 2014

A Decade As a Dumbass Family: 10 Years With Mrs. Fearless Leader!



Ten Years Ago Today:

  • I had just moved from Tyler,Texas to Central City, Colorado.
  • I made a phone call that changed the course of my life.
  • During that phone call the tread on my hiking boots got caught on a very small step on the front porch sidewalk.
  • I fell on my ass.
  • And kept falling for twelve steps and about 8 verticle feet.
  • I broke my elbow in five places.
  • I bled like a stuck cabrito (goat) at a Meskin BBQ.
  • I threw the phone.
  • It landed in the street which was another 8 verticle feet and twelve more steps lower than where I landed once I stopped tumbling.
  • About twenty-five yards away from me.
  • In two different pieces in two different directions!
  • That phone still works.
  • The Young Lady On the Other End of the Line thought I had hung up on her.
  • No, I was bleeding to Death with five extra pieces in my left elbow.
  • The Young Lady On the Other End of the Line is now my wife.
The 10 Year Journey

Here's an long excerpt from a story I wrote a while back that further explains things. 

I came here on a whim, unannounced, and my life changed forever - for the first time I laid my eyes on Heather and Issy in real life.

Back Story: I first got to know Heather in an AOL Chat Room back in 2004. (Don't laugh yet!) All I knew about her was that she was a single Mom with a then almost-two-year-old Baby Girl, Isabella. I noticed in that Chat Room that Heather was not, shall we say "shy". I liked that.

Long story short, we got to be buddies, then very good friends. The It happened. On November 21, 2004, I made The Phone Call that would lead me to The Top Right Hand Corner of the United States. 

I was expecting this to be a visit of a week or two, then back to Colorado where I was living at the time.

It didn't quite work out that way.

Heather now calls me her Husband, Issy is now 12 years old and calls me "Daddy". And just for good measure, Heather and I made a baby together. That baby, Bailey, is now 7 years old.

Below is an old story I wrote a few years ago, so some of the numbers will have changed, but the story itself remains the same.                  
Heather in 50 Years

And it has a happy ending.

The Down Low

As I said, I accompanied my wife shopping today.

All. Day. Long.

The women reading this will say, "You deserve it, you son of a motherless goat". And that's one of the nicer things they say. The men are thinking, "You poor sumbitch, you should have stayed single." Then, drink heavily, they begin thinking of the day that they too will be in my position....married. With young children (7 & 12; both girls). And like me, 58 years old. Now who's the poor sumbitch boys? You have all this to look forward too. Poor sumbitches. bwahahaha!

The Real Reason for This Post

Today is my wife's birthday.

She is 38 years old, 19 years younger than me. Even though I'm so much older than she is, she's too old for me. I'd rather have two eighteen year old Swedish Bikini Team Members as "wives". Preferably lesbians. After all, 18 + 18= 36. And the lesbian part is a YouTube sensation waiting to happen. So the shit works out right.

On the real side though, my wife is a good woman, a great wife and Mother, outstanding cook and she's the shiznit in the sack. However, I just can't get over that Swedish Bikini Team thing up there ^^^^^. But, I digress.

In spite of all these outstanding qualities my wife, Heather, possesses, God bless her, she ain't the biggest catfish on the trot line, IYKWIMAITYD. (Yankees and Californians may want to Google the term "trot line". No, it's not pornographic you asswipes.)

Here's an example of how, shall we say, slow my wife is. No, let's not say "slow", let's say "Dumbass". One time I told her that I wanted to watch Monday Night Football. She asked me what night it was on! See? Then there was the time several years ago that I needed to get hammered. She brought me a ball peen hammer jobby. Even though Heather is a Dumbass, she has put up with me for the last ten years, which further proves my point! If the poor woman had dynamite for brains, she couldn't blow her nose. Capice?

On the Real Side

I love Heather very much.

She's stood by me when I thought even God had had enough of me. And believe you me, that's quite a job right there. She has given me two beautiful, smart, healthy little girls. She has, over the last ten years, filled a void in my life and a hole in my heart that I never expected to be filled. She has loved me when I didn't come close to deserving it more times than I can count. In spite of the fact that I am 2000 miles from my beloved Texas, Maine is now my home and I'll probably spend the rest of my life here. And I shall do so without reservation. The reason for that is simple. Her name is Heather. Without her I wouldn't be the Dumbass I am today.

I love you Heather.

Dumbass. :)


Dumbass Auto Correct FAIL!

Best of Dumbass News

I love technology.

I don't have nearly as many gizmos as I'd like too.

A glaring omission from my Hi Tech Gadgets List is a smart phone.

Oh, I have a cell phone, but it's a $90 job from Straight Talk.

A cheap ass Blackberry ripoff.

I only use when I go to Wal Mart or grocery shopping when Mrs. Fearless Leader can't go with me so she can call me and tell me if we forgot to add something to The Shit I Am Supposed to Buy Today List.

do not text.

Of the 15 or so years that I have owned a cell phone, I bet I have sent fewer than a dozen texts.

Even when I had a fancy schmancy phone.

Bluntly put, I suck at texting.

I am glad I do, because no matter how proficient one may be at sending text messages, texts have a way of ending up, shall we say, not turning out as one intends them to. And by "not turning out as one intends them to", I mean "fucked up seven ways to Sunday".

These days this is mainly due to that Spawn of the Techno-Satan, "auto correct".

See For Yourself

All In the Family

Splinters

The Ride

Woops!

Juicy Fruit?

Cocka Cola

Furry Taco for Supper

Shaved By the (Dinner) Bell

China Vagina

Better Than O J?

Dumbasses.

*** Thanks to Damn You Auto Correct ***


Thursday, November 20, 2014

Dumbass Exclusive! Inside the U S Senate Bathroom!

What Congress does with our tax dollars.....


Dumbasses.

Dumbass Crime: Twerking Your Way to Prison!

Best of Dumbass News

Out of over 1700 posts and 4 years of doing Dumbass News, I'm not sure if I have ever written a story about twerking.

I shall do so today.

I am by no means an Expert on Twerking, but from what I understand it requires one to vigorously vibrate her ass up and down like she is trying shake loose a stubbornly stuck turd after a healthy session of "dropping the kids off at the pool."

At least that the criterion I shall use for the purpose of today's story.

What's Shakin' (Besides Females' Asses)

A chick named Coura had to go to the Municipal Court in Vancouver, Washington to pay the fine for a
Twerking Meth Heads
traffic ticket.

She took two of her friends with her.

Coura paid the fine and the trio headed outside.

Where they began to twerking like a meth head shaking from the DTs.

The three bimbos did this within eye shot of of some court room windows while one of them filmed the entire sordid episode on her cell phone.

Municipal Authorities were not amused.

It was during the twerking that some female genitalia were exposed. There was also some squatting and lady pissing on the Courthouse Grounds going on.

By the way, pissing on the Courthouse Grounds in Vancouver, Washington is called "offensive littering". Heh.

Municipal Authorities were further unamused.

The women got into a car, left the scene of the X-rated Twerking and were pulled over by the Police a few blocks away.

Surprise! Or Not

Three words: Cocaine, marijuana, meth.

Bonus Word: Jail.

After being bonded out of jail, one the bimbos posted the following on her Facebook page: "FYI it was not methephetamin it was MOLLY that was obviously cut ... Geez the news likes to overxacgerate... lol Don't bother texting or calling my phone they took that away from me. 

I'm glad we got that clarified.

Dumbasses.

*** Hat Tip to HuffPo & Mrs. Fearless Leader ***
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