I have mentioned a few times on "Dumbass News" that in a Former Life I was a Radio Guy.
I had a regular on air shift, did some TV work, TV Commercials, voice overs for TV commercials, Jerry Lewis' MD Telethon local breaks, play by play and color commentary for baseball, football and basketball, and a whole bunch of other Shit Radio Guys With Dashing Good Lucks & An Assload of Talent Do.
I was a "Star".
Not a National Star, like, say, Howard Stern (more on Howard in a minute), but certainly a Local and Regional "Star".
To me, being a Radio Guy was my job - a very cool job to be sure, but playing records and doing all the other stuff was how I paid my bills.
And got a lot of beer bought for me.
And other Free Shit.
Lots of Chicks.
I ain't braggin' here, that's just the way it was.
One of my favorite things I got to do as a Radio Guy was to give people Free Shit - coffee mugs emblazoned with the radio station logo, concert tickets, records (eventually CDs), T-shirts and various other forms of swag.
Back to Howard Stern...he is a National Star.
As such, he gets to give away All the Good Shit.
Like a threesome with two high-priced hookers.
Let me splain.
Howard's Get Grandpa Laid Contest
Not too long ago, Howard Stern held what, to my knowledge, what has to be "The Greatest Radio Contest Since Guglielmo Marconi First Broadcast "That's Amore" in 1897".
The I Want to Get My Grandpa Laid contest attracted entrants from All Over Hell and Creation. Not to mention the Upper Peninsula of Meechigan.
Alas, a Yooper did not win The Grand Prize. That means that all the men on the U P will remain virgins. (Better luck nex time, Dumbasses)
Oh, yeah! The Grand Prize!
I almost forgot about The Grand Prize!
This prize beats the shit out of coffee mugs, concert tickets and t-shirts, let me tell you.
Apparently, the I Want to Get My Grandpa Laid contest was some sort of (satirical?) tie-in with a movie called Bad Grandpa.
|Dead Fucker & Other Fuckers|
An 86 Year Old Non-Yooper named Johnny Orris was selected as the "winner". Johnny was entered into the contest by his grandson Ed.
As you can well imagine, Johnny was pumped up over his good fortune.
He was so excited that the night before the Big Event, Johnny went out and celebrated by consuming a steak dinner.
Well....almost consuming a steak dinner.
Big John was a few bites into his Dead Animal Flesh when he choked to death on a bite of the steak!
Holy Heimlich Maneuver, Batman!
Now, I have never been dead, although I am a Grandpa and I have been laid, and it may just be me, but choking to death precludes having a nice, sweaty threesome with two whores.
And the Now Dearly Departed Grandpa Johnny had just spent a large portion of his Sohsh Curity check on Viagra, hoping for an erection lasting longer than four hours and causing an unsafe drop in blood pressure for which he would have had to immediately consult his physician.
Choking to death has a way of interrupting even the best-laid plans.
I kill me.
Just not by choking to death.
There is, however, a ray of sunshine in this tale of unrequited lust.
Ed the Grandson was sentimental enough, and by "sentimental enough" I of course mean "horny as a two-peckered billy goat", to "cash in" the Good for One Free Threesome With Two High-Priced Hookers coupon in Grandpa Johnny's honor.
Alas, it is true....blood is thicker than water.
Especially when the blood rushes to the weenie of a guy who's about to get fucked by two high dollar sluts for FREE in place of his dead Grandfather.
Word is that Ed the Grandson inherited Grandpa's Viagra too.
But he was not hoping for an erection lasting longer than four hours and causing an unsafe drop in blood pressure for which he would have had to immediately consult his physician.
Nor did he have a steak dinner the night before getting his peepers screwed cross-eyed.
And he lived to tell about it.
***Hat Tip to Dumbass Emeritus Stoo via Gawker.com***