Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Lady Says No to Sex; Dumbass Slaps Her w/ His Weiner! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Lady Says No to Sex; Dumbass Slaps Her w/ His Weiner!

Best of Dumbass News

Your Source for Penis News in Maine
Fred Thomas is a legend at Dumbass News.

Here's Why:

The Scenario  
  1. Fred separates from his wife of 39 years.
  2. Wife runs into difficult times.
  3. In order to make it through said difficult times, wife of 39 years moves back in with Fred. 
  4. Fred wants to have sex with estranged wife and offers her $20 to give him some.
  5. Wife says, "No nookie", which angers Fred.
  6. Angry Fred pulls out his goober and slaps the wife with it!
  7. Wife calls cops after penis assault.
From by way of the Bangor Daily Newsthe story continues: Fred E. Thomas pleaded guilty to 180 days in jail with all but five days suspended and was placed on probation for a year for domestic violence assault and indecent conduct.   A third charge of unlawful sexual contact was dismissed. 

Defense Attorney Justin Andrus said Thomas was tremendously upset that his marriage of 39 years was ending.   He said his estranged wife was planning to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online.   “This was not his normal conduct,” Andrus told Justice Jeffrey Hjelm during the sentencing hearing in Knox County Superior Court.   Assistant District Attorney Christopher Fernald asked for Thomas to serve seven days in jail, while Andrus asked for just probation and no jail time. 
Hjelm said a jail term was appropriate in this case.   “This was sexually aggressive conduct.   This couldn’t be much more offensive,” Hjelm said.   The wife did not seek jail time for Thomas but did ask that he undergo counseling for anger management, which was ordered.
Fearless Leader's Observations

  • It is not a good idea to move back in with someone you have left in the ash heap of failed marriages.
  • The above is especially true if you have found another love interest - particularly if the new love interest is a camel fucker from Pakistan. Google "women's rights rights in Pakistan". The camel he screws has more rights than his woman. I'm just sayin'.
  • It's bad form to offer your soon-to-be ex-wife twenty bucks for sex.
  • It is egregiously bad form to pull out your thang and cockslap your soon-to-be ex-wife when she says no to your most generous offer of carnal pleasures.
  • The wife is an idiot.
  • The Judge is right - “This was sexually aggressive conduct.   This couldn’t be much more offensive.
  • Being slapped in the face by a penis is not one of those times to turn the other cheek. Unless you are into that kind of shit.
  • I have been to Rockland, Maine (where this story took place) and have never once been threatened by a menacing penis.  
  • Why are so many penises in the news these days?


  1. "...camel fucker from pakistan".

    Love this Toby, your eloquent use of the English language never fails to entertain me =)

    1. I would have said "goat fucker from Pakistan", but at least a guy can eat a goat. Camels? Not so much.

  2. Between you and Phil, you've got all the penises covered on the innerwebs. Just don't be smacking us in the face with yours. Or Phil's. I hear his is a super hero.


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