Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: February 2015 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Dumbass Bidness Sign of the Day: Mega WHAT?

If only men could find it.....


1 Year Ago Today: Bitch Slap a Cop & Quit Smoking!

Best of Dumbass News

We are nothing if not civic-minded at Dumbass News. 

Our support for law enforcement officers in this country is unwavering and irrefutable. We have proven this time after time over the last three and a half years.

Take for instance the time we stood solidly behind a Philadelphia cop who was assaulted by a drunk Dumbass during Oktoberfest last year. This unprovoked attack on one of Philly's Finest was met with a very provoked Cop Uses Baton to Beat the Dog Shit Out of a Drunk Dumbass Response.

We steadfastly supported the Man in Blue who was viciously beaten about the head and shoulders and upper extremities of his body by a sex toy wielding Mad Woman! I know you'll find it hard to believe that this Dumbass Dame was drunk at the time of the incident.

Dumbass News was at the forefront of Dumbass Journalism when we brought the horrific story of  three Seattle Police Dudes who were faced with the split second decision that could have meant life or death. Well, OK, not exactly life and death, but they were assailed by a chick with duct taped boobs!

This type of lawlessness must not, and will not, be tolerated!

Unless it's Dumbass News -worthy! 

Which leads us to today's story.

Smokin' in Sac Town

Etta Lopez of Sacramento, Cal-ee-forn-ya, like millions of our fellow citizens, is an addict. Etta is a slave to nicotine.

Try as she might, Etta could not escape the death grip of Demon Tobacco.

Until she slapped a cop.

Let me splain.

It's All in the Timing

There are myriad products out there that claim to be THE way to quit smoking. As I was typing that last sentence there was a commercial on TV about Chantrix or some shit. The State of Maine has been running Public Service Announcements about every ten minutes (or so it seems) touting the Quit Smoking Hot Line Thing. One of the most popular recent methods to help folks give up Marlboros is the E-Butt Electronic Cigarette or whatever it's called.

None of these quit smoking schemes worked for Etta Lopez, so she came up with a simply brilliant, if illegal, way to quit smoking.

Etta was hanging out at the Sacramento Jail in an area where newly released inmates go to be picked up by waiting relatives and friends after having paid their debt to society. Only Etta wasn't there to pick up a family member or friend, she was there to quit smoking!

But, Fearless Leader, how does one go about smoking cessation at a jail house?

One waits for a cop to exit the building then one walks up to the cop and bitch slaps him. That's how one goes about smoking cessation at the local hoosegow.

No Smoking

There was a method to Etta's madness for slapping the hell out of an unsuspecting police man right there on the jail house grounds. There is NO SMOKING in the Sac County Lock Up! 

Fucking brilliant!

Think about it. If you have no access to your particular vice (cigs, drugs, etc.), then you have taken the first step in kicking the habit by bitch-slapping a cop!

You have also taken the first step to being a felon, but, hell, the ends justify the means. The ends also justify a lengthy stay in prison, but what the hell, huh?

At least she'll be rid of that nasty nicotine habit.


***Image from***

Friday, February 27, 2015

Dumbass White Guy "Soul Train" T Shirt of the Day!

Soul Train called and they want their shirt back.....




Dumbass Speeling Err Oars!

Lurn to spel, stoopid.

Want Ad: Proofreader Needed

We're Number Won!

Out of This World!

Solw Down

Praking in Public Is a No No

Must Be Hungry

Obama Did It!

Made From Virgin Apples

But Babtists Do

Poon On a Plate?


Thursday, February 26, 2015

Dumbass Dire Warning: Facebook to Close!

Be prepared!


Dumbass Employment Fair: Dumbass Job Hunting Tips!

Our country is in a helluva mess these days. We are $18 Trillion (that's 18 followed by twelve zeros) in the hole with an unemployment  rate officially listed at around 6%. With millions of Americans now so discouraged that they are no longer looking for work, the real jobless figure is in the neighborhood of 18% according to some economists.

These statistics indicate that it's a very competitive market for job seekers. Too many seekers, not enough jobs.

I am retired so pounding the pavement in search of employment is not high on my list of priorities. However, I am very concerned for my fellow Dumbasses who are looking to rejoin the work force, desperately seeking a way out of Mommy's basement a source of steady income (other than dealing meth that is).

Job Hunting Tips

Because I care, I am offering, as a public service, the following helpful tips that will make finding a job easier for even the most inexperienced of Dumbasses. And by "most inexperienced of Dumbasses", I of course mean "the lazy bastards who'll be thrown out on their asses if they don't come up with something to contribute to Mom's monthly Cheetos bill".

In order to get the most effective job hunting tips for you chronically unemployed losers, I went to the Professionals at
  • Pick and Choose - Look for companies that you are interested in and that match your job skills  and experience. For most of you reading this, that means learn to say "Can I super size that for you?"
  • Work Your Network - In other words, regularly check with your buddies on Facebook and find out where you'll meet up to smoke your next joint and talk about how "The Man" has stuck it to you. Talking about finding a job is optional.
  • Sell Yourself - Female Dumbasses will understand this tip to mean "become a hooker".
  • Stay Positive - This is probably the best advice you can get when you are looking for work. After you've been turned down a few dozen times, stay positive that you are just a pox on humanity and have no socially redeeming value.
  • Wait for the Job Offers to Pour In - Since we know that you are a scourge to polite society, this will never happen, so now you can go back downstairs and open up a new bag of Cheetos.
I hope that I have been of some sort of help and inspiration to you by offering these invaluable job hunting tips. If you follow them, the hunt for your next welfare pay check will be much smoother and without the hassle of actually doing anything meaningful.

All this because I care.


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Dumbass Dog Cartoon of the Day!

Shit zu?


Homicide By Hooters!

Breast Best of Dumbass News






Sweater puppies.

Whatever we choose to call them, female mammary glands are a mainstay topic here at Dumbass News.

From the lingerie saleslady that was fired from her job because her heat seekers were too big to the stoopid broad who used her breast implants to smuggle cocaine, we've had a grip boobs news like no other web site in the world for four and a half years.

Despite the wide range and sheer volume of stories about ta-tas on this blog, new boobies stories come to our attention every day, none odder than the one we'll cover today.

Assault Hooters

Deadly in the Wrong Hands
A couple (of people, not knockers) got into a domestic disturbance. This little confrontation was "lively" enough that concerned neighbors called the Law.

At some point in the argument the female half of the dueling duo pinned her male counterpart down to the ground and laid on top of him. Somehow, the guy's face became buried between the woman's boobs. 99% of the time this would be an enviable position for a guy, or a lezbean, to be in. Such was not the case in this instance. I'm sure that right now there is at least one Dumbass in each of the 163 countries that read Dumbass News wondering, "Since when is it a bad thing for a man to have his mug firmly ensconced twixt a set of sweater puppies?" That's a fair question and there's a reasonable explanation for it. The dude couldn't breathe which lead to a condition known as DEATH! Smothered into the hereafter by boobs!

This story brings to mind the Dumbass who was cheating on his wife and kicked the bucket in mid hump of a threesome. I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb when I say that many of the male Dumbasses reading this post would be more than happy to keel over chin to chest with a woman and her hammers or in a Dumbass a trois. All I can say about that is that you are some sick, twisted fuckers. In other words, my kind of people.

It comes as no surprise that, like several Dumbasses reading this, the Lady With the Assault Boobs was drunk at the time of the incident. I don't know if the guy was drunk or not as he was unavailable for comment because he is DEAD! 

The woman was arrested and is facing 2nd degree murder charges.

Oh, yeah one more thing...this whole ordeal took place in a trailer park.



Monday, February 23, 2015

Dumbass Photo of the Day: Kid Turns the Tables On Old People!

Turning the tables.....


Slip Slidin' Away: Dumbasses On Ice! (VIDEO)

Back in December those of us who live in New England were wondering where the Hell Old Man Winter was.

The weather was so unseasonable that we had a Brown Christmas (no snow on the ground).

Thoughts of Sugar Plum Globull Warming Fairies were dancing in my head.

Not really. I just wanted to write Sugar Plum Globull Warming Fairies in a blog post.

Anyway....about six weeks ago our Brown Christmas turned into this:


Over the last couple of days I have been reading about how my Home Slices in Texas are due for a dose of what we endure for several months each year - Winter.

While I love each and every resident of the Lone Star State, except the Commies who moved to Texas from Cal-ee-forn-ya, my fellow Texans are not, shall we say, "acclimated" to snowy/icy weather. And by not "acclimated" I mean they run from frozen precipitaion like a fresh-fucked fox in a forest fire.

When the snow hits the fan I predict much mayhem and hilarity.

Like this:

Have fun, Y'all!


Sunday, February 22, 2015

Men Playing With Balls: Dumbass Sports Headlines!

Best of Dumbass News

Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to the Worldwide Leader in Dumbass Sports! 

We did not become the Number 1 Dumbass Sports Site in the Known Universe by accident.


We became the Number 1 Dumbass Sports Site in the Known Universe by default!

Honestly, do you really think that there is another Dumbass out there who actually gives a shit about Dumbass Sports such as The North American Wife Carrying Championships

Or The Event Formerly Known as the Redneck Olympic Games?

Hell. No!

We're Number 1 (by default)! We're Number 1 (by default)!

Dumbass Sports Headlines

Pron On the Linx!

The Result of Two Guys Acing the Same Hole

Who Says Baseball Isn't a Physical Sport?

How Careless of Him


Ball Control

Headless Horseman of Notre Dame

Not Quite Measuring Up

Monica, Is That You?


Saturday, February 21, 2015

Dumbass Photo of the Day: How Not to Haul an ATV!

I've got a secret.....


Dumbass Uses Fake Gun in Robbery, Gets Shot With Real Gun!

Best of Dumbass News

The 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States reads thusly: "a well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed". 

A bank employee in Trimble, Missouri recently exercised his 2nd Amendment rights when some Dumbass tried to rob the First Security Bank.

The Thinker 

Michael Oliva is one of those Dumbasses who on occasion comes up with a brilliant idea. And by "brilliant" I of course mean "stoopid as fuck".

Michael was sittin' around one day sparkin' up the ol' crack pipe, throwin' back some foaties (that's "forties" as in 40oz beer for all you Old White Guys out there) and singin' Kanye West songs, hereafter referred to as "shit", trying to think of something to do. All of the sudden Michael came up with a brilliant ("stoopid as fuck") idea. Michael exclaimed, "El Frito Bandito es pendejo!" which is Meskin lingo for, "Hey! I have a stoopid as fuck idea! I'm gonna go rob a bank with a realistic
looking but fake hand gun!".

So he set out on his felonious feat.

Penalty for Early Withdrawal

At 1:25 PM one recent Friday afternoon, Michael Oliva arrived at First Security Bank, 202 US Highway 169 in Trimble, MO. Michael had his Fake But Realistic Looking Hand Gun at the ready.

What could possibly go wrong?

I'm glad you asked that question.

So Michael pulls a black ski mask over his head and makes his entry into the bank. He goes up to one of the bank tellers and demands the money in her cash drawer. At this point, a bunch of noisy shit and commotion goes on catching the attention of another bank employee in an office near the teller area.

Remember up there ^^^ when you asked "what could possibly go wrong?"

This is What Could Possibly Go Wrong 

The Bank Guy who came running to the front of the bank from an office? He confronted Michael and his Fake But Looks Like a Real Gun Gun face to face. Did I mention that the Bank Guy has a concealed carry permit for a REAL gun? He does.

Anyway, here's the Bank Guy with a .357 staring straight into the eyes of Michael Oliva who is in possession of a Realistic Looking But FAKE Gun. It is at this point that the Bank Guy aims his very blasts him in the face with a very real .357 bullet.
Very Real
real .357 at Michael and

Somehow, by the Grace of God I suppose, Michael is not graveyard dead and manages to escape with a gun shot wound to the jaw.

Long story short....Michael gets away and then leads the cops on a high speed car chase before finally being apprehended. Upon being nabbed by The Fuzz, Michael was heard to say, "Hace mucho calor" which translates to: "Boy was that a stoopid as fuck idea".

Ay! Ay! Ay! Canta y no llores! Translation:


Friday, February 20, 2015

WTF Is #1000Speak & WTH Does It Have to Do With Chickens?

There's some kind of shit going on around the blogosphere about "compassion".

It even has its own hashtag (like Preznit Stompy Feet's foreign policy) - #1000Speak.

I have no damned idea what this deal is about, except is about "compassion".

I suppose this #1000Speak Shindig is about being non-judgemental.

I disagree with being non-judgemental. I judge shit and people every damn day. If I judge you to be an asshole, I won't waste my time being around you or talking to your sorry ass again. That, in my opinion, is exercising good judgement. That is what Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. called judging by "the content of one's character". 

Extrapolating a bit further, if you are a Sweaty Swamp Donkey Asshole, fuck you! 

Simple ain't it?

Now I realize that this #1000Speak Thing is probably more nuanced than the tack I have taken here and that's all well and good, but when it gets down to the nut-cuttin', being a little bit judgemental is perfctly fine.

Except when it comes to yard birds.

Never judge the yard bird! EVER!


Dumbass Airport Announcement: I Have a Bomb Up My Ass!

Best of Dumbass News

There are tons of good ways to get arrested.

We have covered some real doozies here at Dumbass News. 

One of the more stoopid things that lands a Dumbass in the Big House is bank robbery. The FBI, not to mention the targeted financial institution itself, tends to take a dim view of some idjit trying to make an unauthorized withdrawal through a felonious act. Besides that, banks have these really cool gizmos that observe the goings on of every damn square inch within its walls twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. They are called "surveillance cameras."  

Robbing a gun store with a baseball bat ranks right up there on the I Am About As Smart As a Yak Turd Scale as well.

While these are very serious crimes and warrant very serious consequences, short of killing another human bean, these offenses are not nearly as serious as say, oh I don't know, threatening to blow up an airport!
No Bomb Up Here!
In. China! 

This kind of thing ain't exactly a barrel of laughs in an American airport, therefore I think it is safe to assume that in the Red Commie Pinko Peoples Republic of China such shenanigans would, shall we say, be frowned upon with great disdain. No, we shall not say "be frowned upon with great disdain", we shall say "get you turned into kitty litter", or as your Average Chinese Communist would call it, "supper".

Anyway, long story short....some Sino Stoopid Shit was at an airport in Beijing.

His flight to the Pinko Hooker Capitol of Communist China had been delayed for quite some time and he became impatient.

He really needed someone to talk to about his frustrations, so he located a Chinese Airport Security Person to whom he would air his grievances over the long flight delay.

The conversation went something like this:

Frustrated Commie Traveler: "I say, my good man. what seems to be the issue causing this most inconvenient delay in the flight to the Pinko Hooker Capitol of Communist China?"

Chinese Airport Security Person: "Why thank you for your sincere inquiry into this Most Urgent Communist Chinese Travel Matter, Comrade. I am sad to inform you that I don't fucking know."

Frustrated Commie Traveler: "In that event, I am compelled by Red Commie Pinko Peoples Republic of China Law to inform you that my anxiety level has reached Biblical proportions. That is, my anxiety would be of Biblical proportions if we believed in the Bible"

Chinese Airport Security Person: "Pray tell, amigo. How much disquiet are you experiencing at this moment?"

Frustrated Commie Traveler: "I have inserted into my anal cavity a very powerful explosive device."

Chinese Airport Security Person: "Come again?"

Frustrated Commie Traveler: " I have a motherfucking bomb up my ass, you cock gobbler!"

Chinese Airport Security Person: "I frown upon this behavior with great disdain."

Turns out that the flight delay to the Pinko Hooker Capitol of Communist China was because of a slow moving line at the security gate, which the Frustrated Commie Traveler deemed a waste of time.

So, after much bitchin' and moanin', an airport-wide Official Communist Chinese Airport Security Alert & Evacuation was issued and the Frustrated Commie Traveler was taken into Communist Chinese Police Custody where, among other things, his ass was searched for explosives! 

After an "exhaustive search" (IYKWIMAITYD) of the FCT's asshole, it was determined that no explosives were up there.

No word on whether there is "supper" in the dude's future.


Thursday, February 19, 2015

Dumbass Love Life Advice: Kissing Her On the Neck

Read it, learn it, practice it.....


***Hat Tip to Your Friendly Neighborhood Jman ***

Dumbass Centerfolds: Sexy Men of WalMart!

Mrs. Fearless Leader, my daughters and I went grocery shopping at WalMart yesterday.

A trip to Wally World is always eventful.

The other shoppers never fail to provide us with indelible memories. And by "indelible memories" I mean "shit that will make you throw up in your mouth if you recall them, especially if you are eating Meskin food".

Our day at WalMart...

Will This Cover My Bra Straps?

I Fart in Your General Direction!

Thinks He's Still in the Shitter

Look at THESE, Bitches!

Why Is My Ass Cold?!

No Soes, No Shirt, No Service - Asses OK

Not Color Coordinated

Matching Ear Rings

I Feel Pretty!

Pimpin' Ain't Easy, Yo.


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