Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Dumbass Employment Fair: Dumbass Job Hunting Tips! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Dumbass Employment Fair: Dumbass Job Hunting Tips!

Our country is in a helluva mess these days. We are $18 Trillion (that's 18 followed by twelve zeros) in the hole with an unemployment  rate officially listed at around 6%. With millions of Americans now so discouraged that they are no longer looking for work, the real jobless figure is in the neighborhood of 18% according to some economists.

These statistics indicate that it's a very competitive market for job seekers. Too many seekers, not enough jobs.

I am retired so pounding the pavement in search of employment is not high on my list of priorities. However, I am very concerned for my fellow Dumbasses who are looking to rejoin the work force, desperately seeking a way out of Mommy's basement a source of steady income (other than dealing meth that is).

Job Hunting Tips

Because I care, I am offering, as a public service, the following helpful tips that will make finding a job easier for even the most inexperienced of Dumbasses. And by "most inexperienced of Dumbasses", I of course mean "the lazy bastards who'll be thrown out on their asses if they don't come up with something to contribute to Mom's monthly Cheetos bill".

In order to get the most effective job hunting tips for you chronically unemployed losers, I went to the Professionals at Monster.com.
  • Pick and Choose - Look for companies that you are interested in and that match your job skills  and experience. For most of you reading this, that means learn to say "Can I super size that for you?"
  • Work Your Network - In other words, regularly check with your buddies on Facebook and find out where you'll meet up to smoke your next joint and talk about how "The Man" has stuck it to you. Talking about finding a job is optional.
  • Sell Yourself - Female Dumbasses will understand this tip to mean "become a hooker".
  • Stay Positive - This is probably the best advice you can get when you are looking for work. After you've been turned down a few dozen times, stay positive that you are just a pox on humanity and have no socially redeeming value.
  • Wait for the Job Offers to Pour In - Since we know that you are a scourge to polite society, this will never happen, so now you can go back downstairs and open up a new bag of Cheetos.
I hope that I have been of some sort of help and inspiration to you by offering these invaluable job hunting tips. If you follow them, the hunt for your next welfare pay check will be much smoother and without the hassle of actually doing anything meaningful.

All this because I care.

Dumbasses.

4 comments:

  1. Thanks for the advice! I now feel more confident than ever in my quest of being able to afford my own bag of Cheetos!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the spirit, Matt!

      Glad to have been able to help you.

      Now get a fucking job! :)

      Delete
  2. My 17 y/o just got her first job, working at Dairy Queen. There ARE jobs out there, but if you feel that a job is beneath you or that you are too good/over qualified for it, that job will go unfilled and you will remain an unemployed Dumbass.

    Now if you'll excuse me, I've got Blizzard to go eat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nicely done, 17!

      My job list goes from being a mredia celeb (radio & TV) all the way to cleaning toilets. One was obviously more fun and rewading than the other, but I approached each one with the attitude that I was gonna be the best radio/TV guy there is or the best toilet cleaner there is.

      Does that DQ serve burgers? Ours here in Augusta serves only ice cream, shakes, Blizzards, etc.

      Delete

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