Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Dumbass Love Life Advice: The Mens Rules! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, February 13, 2015

Dumbass Love Life Advice: The Mens Rules!

With tomorrow being Valentines Day and all, and me being a misogynistic Redneck Assbag, I think it's time that we brought men to the forefront of this Mainly-for-Wimmin-and-Kids "holiday".

Here's what I mean by that....a guy buys a woman a Valentines Day gift for two reasons:

  1. Because he loves her.
  2. Because he has to. Or face the prospect of waking up with his recently-fileted Family Jewels being flushed into oblivion. This is a most distressing thought to most guys who do not reside in San Francisco.
Anyway, my amigo Jim in Florida sent me a List of Man Rules via email.

Unabashedly copied & pasted:

At  last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally ,  the guys' side of the story.
   I  must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear
   ' the rules 'From the female side
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only  if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one  

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus didNOT n eed directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not 
color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no  idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really .  

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or   motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape !

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Men, feel free to share this with your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/any combination thereof.

Then Super Glue a titanium athletic cup to your groinal region before you go to sleep.

Otherwise, you'll find out firsthand about that giant sucking sound swirling down the Tunnel to Nowhere totin' your gazebos to the nearest waste water treatment plant.

Happy Valentines Day.


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